Original subtitles

- [Ricky] Warning, the followin' program

contains really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking,

and sexual in-fer-fer-lences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go [beep] yourself button

on your remote control.

[poignant piano melody]

[birds chirping] [children chattering]

- [Ricky] How can I stretch my legs?

- What?

- Yeah, I wanna-

- You just lean over and stretch them, like.

- 'Cause people are gettin' famous with longer shit.

Long neck.

- [Bubbles] What?

- There's some rapper called,

I forget what he's called,

something long neck?

- Daddy Long Neck.

- Yeah. I wanna be Daddy Long Legs.

- Oh, so you mean stretch them?

You don't mean, like, get limbered up,

like, before you play hockey, do stretches.

- No. Make them super fuckin' long.

- You mean permanently stretch them?

- Yeah. I'd like to add a foot if I could.

- You don't want. Rick, no man.

- You want to elongate your legs by a foot?

- You can get it done.

They can go in and fuckin' hack a piece.

- Well, how do they do that? Do they-

- They can't extend your legs by a foot.

- They can.

I thought they could do that now, man.

They'll chop the fucking, chop you off at the shin, right?

- Who the fuck? Did you ever hear about-

- Put piece of bone in there, fuckin'.

- gettin' shin extensions.

- Don't know, man. It's probably a movie I watched.

[Ricky chuckles]

- And a foot?

I mean, you're addin' that much shin bone- to yourself.

- Well, yeah. You're gonna look pretty fucked up.

- So, from you knee to your foot,

- Yeah.

- you're knee to your foot's gonna be like that.

- You'd look fucked up, but I'm just sayin' if you-

- [Ricky] Yeah, but you'd be famous and rich.

- don't go to the extreme, maybe you could talk to somebody.

- [Ricky] You'd be famous and rich as fuck.

- Ricky, they could probably do it.

- Daddy Long Neck.

- You could probably do it digitally.

Digitally stretch your legs.

- But then how do you do a concert?

[Bubbles chuckles]

- Stilts.

- Stilts.

- Pross-letics.

- I would not wanna see him on stilts, man.

- Yeah, why don't you just stand on stilts

and get long pants.

That's much easier than gettin' a surgery.

- No, you gotta show, you gotta show them naked,

or people won't buy it.

- [Julian] Get the operation, man.

- How much would it cost, do you think?

- To get your legs extended by a foot?

- Yeah, must be countries who would specialize in that area.

- So, okay, they insert new bone in between your,

what the fuck do they wrap around it,

prosciutto?

- Skin.

- Skin, but you've gotta have meat in there.

What do they fill it, like, what the fuck-

- They get, fuckin', they find somebody

that just got fuckin' whacked or something, right?

They're like, "Okay, this is a fuck, this is a match."

- So they just saw a foot out of his shin

and just insert it.

- Just saw, just boom, some screws.

Fuckin', some stitches.

Connect the nerves.

- So at some point your legs have been amputated for this,

to get this operation.

- Yeah.

- At some point they're cut clean through.

- They're fuckin' cut right, right in two, man.

- And do they make them work again?

Or do you have no feeling in your feet?

- [Julian] I don't know man.

Like I said, this is probably a movie that I watched

when I was fucked up.

- 'Cause it'd be hard to attach the nerves, I would think.

Even the veins, gettin' the blood going.

- Yes Ricky, it would be next to impossible.

- There's somebody out there doin' it, man.

- Well, if they could transplant a head,

they can probably transplant legs.

- They can't transplant a head.

- Yeah. It's been done.

- A head transplant?

- I'm pretty sure it happened in France

or somethin' like that.

[Bubbles chuckles]

- A head transplant.

See, now that's fucked.

- No, there's never been a head transplant.

- It took a long time, but they,

it was pretty successful from what I read.

- Pretty successful?

- Yeah.

- What's that mean?

What's the downfall.

- Rick, I'm gonna, I'll look this up for you, okay?

- I got a head transplant.

Came out about 95%.

- Yeah, not everything took, I guess.

[bong bubbling]

[Ricky coughs]

- [Ricky] Gonna make some good fuckin' money here, boys.

- [Julian] Let's just fuckin' get this over with, Rick.

[Ricky coughs]

- [Ricky] But fuck, this is a good time, boys.

Tell me that's not the best fuckin' dope

you ever smoked, Bubs.

- [Bubbles] Should I be gettin' baked for this boys?

- [Ricky] Yes, Bubbles, get high. This is fun.

[radio buzzes] [switch snaps]

- [Bubbles] Walkie check, Ricky.

- [Ricky] Good check.

- [Bubbles] Water bong's so smooth

you don't realize how high you're getting

'til it's too late.

- [Ricky] Bubbles, you're breakin' up.

Switch to channel two, okay?

Just turn on the radio and relax.

Everything's fine.

- [Bubbles] Channel two?

VHS, what's that thing?

[packages rustling]

[radio plays upbeat music] [Bubbles sings along]

♪ You forgot to buy some food, now it's late ♪

♪ You'd like a tasty snack, but it's late ♪

[Bubbles sings over PA]

♪ Come down to Green Gables, morning noon or night ♪

- [Ricky] I know I'm baked,

but doesn't that sound like it's comin' through the PA?

- [Julian] Fuck, it sounds like it, man.

♪ Everything all right

- [Ricky] Bubbles, everything you say

is comin' over the PA right now.

- [Bubbles] Ricky, I am fucked up out here.

I don't mean to interrupt

your meat-stealin' operation there, boys.

But, I need to keep talkin' to you 'til you get back.

I'm freakin' out a little bit.

- [Ricky] Bubbles, every fuckin' word you're saying

is comin' over the PA.

[Bubbles talks on speaker]

- [Julian] He must have his finger on the button, man.

He can't hear us.

- [Ricky] Fuck.

[Bubbles giggles]

[radio plays upbeat music] [Bubbles sings along]

- ♪ Dial this number.

♪ It's the key to travelin' quick. ♪

[Bubbles singing over speakers]

- [Ricky] Fuck. Meat dicks, meat dicks.

- [Julian] These are just birthday presents.

You have no right to look in them.

We're gonna leave now.

All right, let's leave. Calmly, come on.

- [Bubbles] Oh, I'm fuckin' high!

[sanguine string quartet]

- [Mr. Lahey] About two billion people across the world

consume liquor.

A small percentage of those

fall into the category of excess.

But whether you drink a little, or you drink a lot,

every drop of liquor tells a different story.

[music builds proudly]

[light classical piano music] [ice cubes tinkling]

- This fuckin' shit is easy as shit.

Look at this.

Hey, how you doin' everybody?

This is Jim Lahey and presenting you another,

oh, wait a sec, just wait a second.

Are you rollin'?

Yeah, I'm rollin'.

Act one, no, take one. [hands clap]

Scene two, camera rolling.

Action. Ca... oh, sound too.

♪ Everything's fuckin' comin' up roses, ♪

'cause Jim Lahey is operating all by himself today

for the most incredible liquor story there ever was.

And do you know why?

Because it's dealin' with the purest of all the beverages.

And that's vodka.

In Russia, they say wadka.

In Poland they say vodka.

But they argued 500 years ago.

Who's the person who started vodka off

by throwin' in the fuckin' old potatoes

and the boots and the rhubarb and the rubbish.

Who started the vodka?

Hey, who started hockey?

Who gives a fuck?

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,

when you drink vodka,

the thing is that

you have to take a little sippy-poos.

Just little wee sippy-poos.

[ice tinkles]

You have to drink with the grain of the liquor.

And then after a while,

[ice tinkles]

you can take bigger drinks.

And then after a while after that

you can take big, big, big, big, big, drinks.

[vodka sloshes]

I think I'll do a wrap around.

[Mr. Lahey glugs]

We'll wrap around. I'll wrap around.

Wanna see Jim Lahey, Jim Lahey show?

You know, that's the thing about.

Oh my god.

Once you drink vodka, it gives you a kind of spirit of,

of any, you can do anything competent.

First time we ever got drunk on vodka,

I was about like 12 or 11 or something like that.

I forget what it was, but I was,

I still had a little [indistinct].

But anyway, I,

I was walkin' on a fence.

The fence was that fuckin' thick.

And I was walkin' along the top of the fence.

Never fell off.

I discovered that you can do just about anything

when you're drinkin' vodka.

It's the most incredible,

oh, I discovered that I can stand on my head.

Look at this!

Look at this!

Ta da!

For fuck's sakes.

Collateral damage.

It's okay.

Yeah.

Ah, where was I?

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

When you drink vodka,

you are at the a-pix-a-me

of your abilities,

sexually,

spiritually,

emotionally.

Did I tell you

that vodka,

You can use that to anti-sep-ti-size your wounds

and your cuts and stuff.

You know that

durin' the Three Mile Island,

you know, Per-Noble thing,

they used vodka to clean off

the radioactive nucle-ides from poor cocksuckers

that's in the, stuck up the [words slurred].

The but I tell you,

without a doubt.

Ah.

What was I saying?

Oh yes.

Cheers.

♪ For you're a golly [words slurred] ♪

♪ For your a volly good ch...

[vodka sloshing]

[Mr. Lahey gurgles]

♪ For your a volly good cello

♪ Nobody can deny.

This afternoon, guess what I'm doin'

after I have a couple more little drinky-poos,

just for courage.

I'm gonna try

a brand new sport.

Yours truly, Jim Lahey, 69.

Still get it up, get it in, get it off and get it out

in under one minute.

Ta da!

Do you know what I'm doin' this afternoon?

I am gonna take up skateboarding.

It looks like a lot of fun.

I can do skateboarding,

just like those other little fuckers.

You can,

Ow! For fuck's sakes!

[Mr. Lahey groans]

Nevermind.

I'll get her down.

It'll be okay.

Tune [gibberish]

Toom in next week

to see

Jim Lahey

and another liquor story.

Don't worry.

♪ Everything is gonna be wonderful ♪

♪ Wonderful

♪ Wonderful

And cut.

[vodka sloshing]

Say, this wasn't fuckin' bad at all.

[upbeat piano music]

♪ Schools they can fuck off

♪ And teachers can suck my cock ♪

♪ I'm drunk and I'm high

♪ And this is Getting' Learnt with Ricky ♪

- [Ricky] How's up that, Bubs?

It fuckin' sucked, didn't it?

I told you, I can't fuckin' sing.

Welcome back to Getting' Learnt with Ricky, with me, Ricky.

Today, I'm gonna get you learnt on how to deal

with those little six-legged fuck faces we call ants.

You don't have to buy a bunch of fuckin'

big chemicals and all that fancy shit.

Just fuckin' need some stuff that's around your house.

So let's get learnt on how the fuck to deal with ants.

[objects clattering]

For fuck's sakes.

I fuckin' hate ants.

And when you live in a car,

you gotta deal with the little fuckers all the time.

So, by accident, I've kind of found with a lot of ways

you can fuckin' deal with those little cocksuckers

without spendin' money at the store

on chemicals and bullshit which you don't need.

It smells and

[metal clanging]

fuckin' kids could get into it.

Or somebody might get drunk and high at your fuckin' party

and put it in your drink or feed it to your pets.

So, fuck buyin' chemicals.

This red fuckin' pepper.

Put that around.

We're gonna make a little circle here.

I actually trapped some little fuckin' ants earlier.

Fuck heads.

This stuff here, they do not fuckin' like at all.

You see this shit?

They don't fuckin' come back near you at all.

If you don't have any of the red pepper,

what the fuck is it called, actually?

I know it's,

kay-ee-nee pepper.

That's the shit that works good.

If you don't have any of that, salt works pretty good.

So, may as well just put a bit of that down.

Oh, fuck, that's not salt.

Bakin' soda.

Well, I don't have any salt, so we'll use bakin' soda.

Hopefully, it works.

And fuckin' oranges.

Now I had oranges and orange peels around the car

and I don't know which one it was,

so we'll put a bit of both there.

Actually, the best thing probably to do

is just to put all this in a blender.

[blender grinding]

No, it doesn't like that at all.

I guess if we throw a bit of water in, that could help.

Fuck.

[blender grinding]

All right.

Fuck.

Jesus.

Must have a little short in it somewhere.

Oh, fuck.

Just take a bit of this,

and we'll just sprinkle a little bit of that around too.

Nice little mixture there.

This is really good for puttin' in the fuckin' nest.

We're gonna get to that later.

Get really high and you follow the little fuckers around

for a while.

Find their nest and pour this shit down there,

and they're, like, bye-bye.

They're the fuck outta there.

They hate this shit.

[Ricky bangs the blender]

The only other thing that they don't like at all

is fuckin' vinegar.

So what I like to do is take a spray bottle.

[Ricky sniffs]

I don't know what the fuck that is.

You just pour that out.

[liquid splashing]

Fill that up with vinegar.

[liquid sloshes]

Maybe a bit of water.

So you don't have to waste all the fuckin' vinegar.

Shake that shit up.

You can spray this around your house.

But, same thing, if you wanna get rid of the fuckin' nest

once you follow the little fuckers back to the nest,

pour this shit down there.

Or this shit, they both work.

Or all of it.

Spray a bit of this around.

They fuckin' hate this shit.

And just to test it out,

see if we can find some little ants in here.

All right, you're free, motherfuckers.

See, there's a little fucker right there,

and just keeps runnin' around in circles.

He doesn't wanna go near any of this shit.

He hates it.

Once you have the ants trapped,

you can either suck 'em up with one of these fuckin' things.

These work pretty good.

[vacuum whirrs loudly]

Or if that didn't work,

I mean, you could just

put a little lighter fluid on it,

or hit 'em with the torch.

[gas hissing]

I use the torch for pretty much everything.

So that would pretty much take care of those.

I guess if you don't have a torch,

WD-40 can be fun.

Just kind of use one of these, a little safer.

[lighter clicking]

[flames whooshing]

Fuck! Just try not to do that.

But yeah, you get the idea.

That works pretty good.

So once you killed the little fuckers in your house,

you put this shit up,

so they can't get in your house anymore.

Then you gotta get high as fuck,

have a drink,

find a couple ants and start following

the little fuckers back to their nest.

And that's when you get down to business.

[flames whooshing]

[Ricky inhales]

This could take a while.

So you should allow at least

a couple beer and a couple joints, but.

Come on you little fuckers, where do you live?

Okay, we're gettin' close.

I'm startin' to see a lot more ants.

Holy fuck.

There we go. Bingo.

Look at these fuckin' things.

So now that we found the nest,

go back and get my stuff.

And where gonna come

and fucking extinguish these little fuckers.

Oh yeah, lemons work fuckin' good too

if you don't have any oranges.

All right, so let's kill the fuckin' thing.

[objects clattering]

Fuckin' asshole.

Time to take care of these little fuckers.

I think we'll start with some of this little mixture

that I made up, oranges and orange peels.

I know they hate this shit.

So we'll put some of that down.

You take your salt,

put a bunch of that shit down.

Oh shit, it's not salt, is it?

It's that other shit.

They fuckin' hate vinegar.

So we're gonna give 'em some of that.

[mixture fizzing]

Whoa, I don't know why the fuck that's happened.

That's pretty cool.

This is really startin' to piss them off.

Look at them.

They're all like, "What the fuck is this shit?

It's no fuckin' good to us."

A bit of pepper.

Now, if you want,

you could just leave that there like that.

Probably take, I don't know, a few days,

maybe a week, and they'll be gone eventually.

'Cause they do hate this shit.

They see this stuff and, like,

"Okay, we gotta move on. This is fucked."

You don't wanna wait that long, then

get some of this stuff or some gas,

mix it with a bit of oil,

'cause gas by itself is pretty fuckin' flame-y.

You know, and don't be afraid to use a lot of it.

Maybe spray a bit of, uh,

DW on it.

They don't like that shit either.

Fuck.

Little fucker.

[Ricky sighs]

And you can use a lighter,

but I like to use a blow torch for everything.

[flames whooshing]

They don't fuckin' like that much at all.

Let that burn for a minute.

Throw some vinegar on there.

[liquid splashing] [fire hisses]

And pesto!

No more fuckin' ants.

Well, there's a few there, so.

You get a few little stragglers,

you might wanna hit them with the torch a little bit.

[torch whooshing]

They don't like the torch at all.

[torch whooshing]

It's kind of funny, just smoke a joint, drink your beer.

So it's not really pesto,

but it does get rid of 'em pretty fuckin' quick anyway.

All right.

Well, I'm Ricky.

This has been Getting' Learnt with Ricky.

Another episode.

That's how you fuckin' kill ants

without using those chemicals

and all that shit that's bad for you.

Fuck off 'til next time.

[upbeat piano music]

[jingle music]

♪ It's time for Mailbag

♪ Motherfuckers

♪ This is where we get free shit in the mail ♪

♪ And show it to everyone

♪ Gettin' free shit is so much fuckin' fun, yeah! ♪

- Wow.

- It's time for Mailbag, motherfuckers.

- The ultimate hot bag, hot bag box

- I'm excited to be here.

- Yeah, well, we'll see.

- Don't touch me.

- People were told- - Don't fuckin' touch me

- they could send some shit to you

We shall see.

- I hope so.

- People said they were goin' to that's why got you here.

- The fuck is that over there?

- It's all good.

- Coronavirus?

- Where?

- This thing right here.

[metal clanging]

- It's Patrick's Swayze.

- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we opened this thing.

- Oh, okay.

[they laugh]

- Looked like fuckin' coronavirus.

- Way too fucked up to be- [crosstalk]

- Okay, it's a mini mailbag day, it looks like.

Oh, fuck.

[Bubbles sings]

♪ Oh, we got letters.

- Lots of letters.

♪ We got letters.

- They all go to Pat, I think.

♪ We got stack and stacks of letters. ♪

- That says Mike Smith.

- Mike Smith and Rob Wells.

- We gotta read it together.

- This one's Mike Smith.

- This one's-

- You're in the mailbag.

- This one's from- [crosstalk]

- "Take the time to read my letter."

- This is from Douglas Doc Dalton

- This one is too.

- Let's see what we're in here.

- There's not one for JP from Douglas Doc Dalton?

- Yeah, no, thank you for not sendin' me one

'Cause you know that I, you know I don't like readin'.

- Let's see what Doc has to say here.

"Thank you from the bottom of my heart

for takin' the time to read my letter.

I just wanted to take a moment to tell

you how much of an inspiration you are.

After a career in the military that left me disabled,

I started writin' letters to individuals

that I find inspirational that made an impact

in my life directly or indirectly.

Writing these letters is very therapeutic

and helps me to cope and deal with the injuries.

I have a degree from Western Michigan University

in American history."

[Bubbles and Ricky read together]

"I spend time meetin' other veterans otherwise

and capturin' their stories."

- [Bubbles] Recently.

- Same letter?

- "I've been-" - That was cool.

- "diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's at age 42."

Fuck!

That sucks fuckin' moose cocks.

- "Writin' these letters to help keep

my mind and memory as sharp and balanced as possible

by writing you you're having direct impact

on my rehabilitation.

I thank you for that.

I would like to respectfully request the chance

to get an autograph from you, if possible.

I have very limited funds

and I will trade my autograph for yours.

This would mean a great deal to me.

I'd cherish it for a lifetime.

I know it's a long shot requestin' this,

and I pray for this request is granted.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Deeply appreciate your generosity

in fulfilling this request.

Thank you, respectfully,

Doug Dalton, combat medic, sergeant, retired."

- Three combat tours to Afghanistan, 2009 to 15.

- 506th Infantry Regiment, 101st Airborne Division,

Band of Brothers.

Listen, Doug, you're fuckin' right

you're gonna get an autograph.

[crosstalk]

- God damn right.

- You're gonna get some shit from us.

Normally, I fuckin' scorn people that send letters,

but not you, bud.

That's fuckin' shitty.

But, yeah, look there's a picture of Doug there.

Look at that shit.

- [Julian] You're an inspiration to us too, Doug.

- [Ricky] Amazing.

- They should look,

the military should be fuckin' lookin' after Doug

and anything Doug has wrong with him.

U.S. military, you gotta look after Doug

- [Ricky] Agreed.

- Yeah.

- Come on, Doug fuckin' put in his time.

And Doug did the shit for the country.

Now it's your turn to fuckin' take care of Doug.

We're gonna send you some shit, Doug.

Thanks for writin' us the letter, buddy.

- Let's put these over here and the-

- It's weird, he didn't write you one.

Only me and Rob inspire him.

He must think you're a dick.

- [Ricky] Well, he is a dick.

- [Ricky] All right, that's all I got. Let's go.

- Good job, Ricky.

- All right, are we done?

- I believe so, yeah.

I think that's gonna wrap this one up.

- All right. Let's do it man.

- Bye-bye.

Fuck off.

[birds squawking]

[waves lapping]

[boat chugging]

- [Fish] Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, oh fuck, fuck, fuck.

Ooh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck off, fuck, fuck.

Jesus Christ!

[metal whooshing]

[wildcat growls]

[Whispering voice] Fuck off.