Original subtitles

- Warning, the following program contains really

course language drug use, wrecky, alcohol consumption

smoking and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls

please press the big go yourself button

on your remote control.

I'll show you a new way to color you.

You don't move the marker.

So if you wanna do this line, you just keep the pen where

it is and you bring the book down.

See that, it's not perfect, but it works good.

A new way to color.

- Why would you do that, Ricky?

That's not, it's a shitty way to color, man.

Let me just try it.

No, Ricky, that's terrible.

It's very hard to control.

Fuck

Whatever happened to Dapper Dan?

Who's dapper Dan?

That store with the fuckin' wicked clothes

He was so dapper.

He dappt' out, man.

I don't know who the actual Dan guy was.

You should start.

- You should start a store called Dapper Dan.

Or you just do dabs and your name's Dan.

This game sucks.

Well fuck off then.

Got get your own game.

Go fuck yourself.

- You're good at that game, man.

- Boys I'm too fuckin' banged up

to be here.

I think I need to go lay down.

- It's cause you didn't fuckin' sleep, man.

I actually had a an hour and a half nap.

I feel great.

Bobs wanna play a game.

What's that noise?

Fuckin' noise.

- What?

Two bucks, you against me.

The winner gets two bucks.

Doesn't sound like a very good deal.

10 bucks.

I don't like that sound.

Sounds like a sound your mother makes

- When she's doing what?

All right Bobs.

I got us some lobsters this morning.

I got this for you buddy.

- Can you shut that off?

Eat it, bang it.

Fuckin' do whatever you want.

I know what that is.

It's pretty nice here, man.

Yeah it goes on way to long though.

I like you.

- We notched your Sally.

I like you a lot.

I name you Lionel.

For fucks sakes.

Lionel The lobster here.

Is that Lionel?

That's his name.

Is that all he got?

Is this the one on the boat tune?

Oh. Ooh.

What's gonna happen now?

Oh. Yeah.

- What the fuck is that?

- That? Oh, this is a good one.

Oh yeah.

Its got more than one tune on it?

See, it puts in mood, isn't it?

It's, I'm pretty happy right now.

Partying with a lobster.

He is got a good voice.

- Old man River.

- Mother fucker can sing

Take you on a sea cruise

See, it's all ocean themed music.

It's very clever.

Take you on a sea cruise.

I always thought it was take you on a city cruise.

You thought it was what?

City cruise.

- Like go cruise in your car around the city.

You put your fuckin' pants back on

right now you piece of shit.

Shut the fuck up.

- I'm putting my pants back on.

Pull your pants up Randy.

It smells awful.

Okay Randy.

Here.

Just wait.

I can fix it.

I will take it up.

Get up.

God Ricky.

Ricky you didn't need to do that.

Its and expensive balloon.

It popped by itself.

That's an expensive balloon.

Julian.

Your fuckin' up the cushion,

you asshole.

I can duct tape that, its not that big of a hole.

My pants better not be ruined Ricky.

I need a fuckin' shower now.

My pants are ruined.

That's it bud, put Rambo on for fucks sake.

I agree.

Fuck this bullshit.

No I said we are watching it, we are going to watch it.

Sit back down.

I will fix that balloon later.

Just wait Ricky.

We tied.

That was the deal.

He won the first competition so its a tie actually.

Wasn't even fair.

- So I kind of fucked up there.

I should have said three competitions, not two.

So now we got a fuckin' dead lock.

You know what, fuck this.

This is getting out of hand.

There's only one real way

to settle a fucking dispute like this.

That play the fucking feud, baby.

Lets play the feud.

This is where the fucking show was suppose to start.

With the feud.

And you guys had it all fucked up.

This is where the party started right here.

I'm hungry.

I'm gonna get this cake ready guys.

Nice.

I need this.

Beautiful.

- I'll have a piece of cake Randy, I love cake.

It's a small one for me.

I love cake.

Big one for me.

Ricky, do you want to go first or second?

- What's better?

I think going first.

Go first.

Go first it is.

Okay, Randy, here.

Shit truck's going first.

- Here, drive this on your head.

Okay? Like that.

Okay. Once this goes on, you won't be able to hear me, Randy

but you can listen to some Rick Asley

and do whatever you want.

Okay? Go to the side of the stage.

Okay? Can you hear me Okay?

Perfect. Perfect.

Ricky, step out front

please.

Good luck, buddy.

Good luck.

You got it, man.

I got the questions right here.

Okay.

I got rock a piss.

I don't wanna see this part.

Here give me some of that

before you get your pissy fingers on it.

Who takes a joint to the bathroom while their pissing?

Oh, when is he not taking a joint

to the bathroom when he's pissing.

Tell me that.

See if the show would've be just like this

with all the stuff I organized, it would've been.

Yeah, but not everybody likes family feud, Bobs.

Okay, Ricky?

Yes.

- Besides money.

Name something you wish you had more of.

- Longer bones.

Name something your partner might be doing

while talking to you that makes them harder to understand.

Blowing him.

Name an animal known for its speed.

- Snake. Cheetah snake.

- Ricky name a green vegetable.

Orange.

Oh fuck.

Name an ingredient used to make bread.

Toaster.

No, I better not.

Right boys.

I'm sorry.

- That looks delicious. - Randy, you made that, did you?

That's the top of the liquor bottle.

Do you want that Julian?

I'd like some of the white.

I like the white frost and I like it.

Name an animal smaller than a cat.

Gorilla.

Six inch baby Gorilla.

Fuck.

If you lived in cartoon land

who would you least like to have as your neighbor?

Elmer Fudge.

Something specific a detective looks for

at a murder scene.

- The murderer.

Name a sport where players often get injured.

Sword fighting.

Name an animal that can fly.

- A fly.

Ding, ding, ding.

Turn around Ricky.

Tastes a little bit weird, but it's pretty good Randy.

Good job, bud.

Yeah, it's not quite like the last one I made.

It's got a bit of a tang to it though.

Maybe that's the liquor.

Now what is that?

- Look how thick that icing is.

That's an inch.

Did you know that Sarah on trailer park is inventing

her own game?

- What?

It's a game that you play and gets, one

of the things you do is like this, you go this.

You have to play her Andy.

Could you tell what I was saying?

No.

Oh, we called you.

Oh, that's a good tune.

Say, oh, I work all days, honey.

You know they invented these way back in the stone age

Randy, they used to take little tweedle tweets

and tie them all together and

No, they took blades of grass. Mr. Lee.

That's it. Exactly.

Marijuana blades.

You know I today, Randy, I got a special surprise

for you and for you radio audiences.

We are going to go through technology.

Randy, starting in the very beginning.

This is way back when in the 17th or 18th century.

And they used to have like, look what I got here.

Can everybody see this?

I hope so.

This is a

- Record players

Yeah, but nowadays, Randy, you have, while

this is my favorite one of all rangers.

This one is, this one's called Matt Tillo, mat Tillo.

And it's by, I forget his.

Oh yeah.

No Howard, every person knew about no Howard.

You scratch the record Randy,

you fucked it up.

People don't use these anymore, Mr.

I know.

Do you know why can they get the Siggy cell phones?

- Because they could just go on the internet.

What's happening to this?

You fucked it up, Randy.

There it is.

It's a, it's a guy singing about a sailor.

It's not English.

He's British Randy.

It's called Maalox Maalox

because Maalox is French for Matt, for Maalox.

And what then

That looks like,

it's like at least from 1970 or something.

1700's or something Randy.

And then, look what we got here.

This is, this is fact.

This is German.

This is made for the bore war.

Why the doesn't this work?

Don't with the wild bore Mr. Lee.

- Here it goes.

- Sounds like scratches.

- It is, listen.

That's pretty loud for a little weird old thing.

It's coming outta there.

Yeah, it's, there's a speaker right there.

And then after that, this is just the Victorian age.

The Victorian age.

They had these little things.

This looks Fisher Price.

Listen to this.

See if you recognize this one, right?

What

Do you want?

The proper move.

We need a Christmas tree.

Listen to this.

Fucking play.

Dance Randy dance.

And then.

- Shut the fuck.

This is the new one Randy.

People are going around using their silly cell phones.

Look what I got.

Look at this little shit bag.

Isn't that perfect?

But I got to play on it.

Randy, did you ever hear of Fred Zeppelin?

Fred Zeppelin.

See you got your Fred Zeppelin

and this is the newest in cosmology.

Look, Randy.

It looks like a Frisbee, Mr. Lee.

- It's incredible Randy.

- It sounds like paper.

Put it on Randy and see if it'll play.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Right. There you go.

Okay, do, do do do do do.

Fuck off, do.

Okay that one does not seem to want to work.

But this one here.

This is one of my

favorites

Look its got high fidelity, low fidelity, infidelity.

All of the fidelities.

See if we can get that going Randy.

- It's supposed to go this way.

No, goes the other way.

Got this way.

- I feel like a rapper.

- Go like that.

These old things.

You gotta do that to, to make 'em work Randy.

No, you Mr. Lee.

- Push that on Randy. Put it on.

You just broke it.

No, I didn't Randy, put it.

You broke my record Randy.

Mr. Lee.

Look these fucking things don't work.

Mr. Lee calm the freak down.

- That's how you fix him Randy.

Fellas what's going on here man.

I just met these guys.

Hey, mad dog.

Put yourself.

What's going on here?

Man? I just met these guys locked

from the, an movie, an awesome, awesome movie.

Yeah, man.

Yeah. Good meet you guys.

That was and awesome fucking movie.

Meet you too, man.

Boys, check this out, man.

Doug said he chugged there nose like he

did in the movie.

Somebody get this open.

Somebody crack it open, crack it, crack it open.

All you ease A little butter knife.

- What the you doing this, man?

- Okay, just let him do is thing.

More Canadian insanity.

Watch fucking carefully Folks.

What in the?

Okay, ready?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What the is taking up a notch, man?

Drinking him from his nose.

Oh yeah.

I was at a party in the eighties where that was wasn't beer.

It was Jack Daniel.

Yes. There we go.

Right out of her.

That was excellent.

That was awesome.

That was good Mad Dog.

Okay. Besides money.

Name something you wish you had more of.

You said Longer bones.

Longer bones. I panicked.

It was the first question.

I just. Fuck.

It was the first thing that came to my head.

What are you even thinking?

Longer bones.

What the does that even mean?

Well, everything's bigger.

You'd be taller

and bigger hands and you know, just bigger everywhere.

I panicked.

I fucked up.

- Survey, said.

Ricky, you can't fuck this up.

Name something your partner might be doing

while talking to you.

That makes them harder to understand.

Ricky, you said blowing you.

All right.

That's gotta be something.

Just so you know, number one answer.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

- Yeah. Show me some big money.

Survey set.

21.21.

Oh yeah, I got this.

What did you use in this, Randy?

I got just fresh milk, not skim milk.

Marginalized, the good stuff, with the fat in it.

Fat milk

Full fat.

That is what makes the icing so creamy.

Name an animal known for its speed.

Ricky, you said a cheetah snake.

Yeah

A cheetah snake.

Oh, snake is fast, but a

cheetah snake's the fastest, isn't it?

Rick? There's no such thing.

Had to just cut her off a cheetah.

Ricky, you would've had the number one answer.

Cheetah snake.

Survey said

Nobody else thought of that.

It doesn't exist, Ricky.

That's why nobody said it.

Well, Randy's not gonna do this good, I hope.

Name a green vegetable.

Ricky, you said an orange.

- No we didn't.

But they are green before they turn orange.

So is it tomato, tomato or whatever?

It's, I don't know.

- Give me another fucking zero.

- Yeah.

- Four.

That's not bad.

That's not bad at all.

Ricky is so stupid.

An ingredient used to make bread.

Ricky, you said a toaster.

Wow.

- Don't be calling Ricky's stupid, asshole.

I'm smarter than Ricky.

You're lucky you got two.

We're doing alright here.

Can't believe you got two.

Name an animal smaller than a cat.

Ricky, you said a six inch gorilla.

Jesus Christ, Ricky.

- Because I thought when you first said you meant

like a tiger, a lion, and then realized you

probably meant a house cat.

And I already said guerrilla at that point.

- Jesus murphy.

The six inch grill is smaller than a cat

Except it doesn't exist.

Survey said.

Come on, gimme some points here.

If you lived in cartoon land

who would you least like to have as your neighbor?

Ricky? You said Elmer fudge.

Who in the flying fuck is Elmer fudge.

Isn't he that little fuck face that makes a mess

with his fudge everywhere

and glues all of your shit together?

What the fuck are you talking about?

- He glues your stuff together.

You combined Elmer Fud

and Elmer's glue somehow, in your mind.

- This is hard.

- Survey, said.

Holy fuck Ricky.

I still, I could still win this.

Maybe.

Something specific

a detective looks for at a murder scene.

Ricky, you said the murderer.

Yeah, it's gonna be a good one.

I can feel it.

Ricky. The question was like blood or fingerprints.

Like that's what you should have said bud.

- Fuck.

Clues. Of course.

Yeah, clues.

That makes sense.

Yeah. Clues would've been a good one.

There's a good answer.

Survey said.

We're alive.

We're alive here.

Name a sport where players often get injured.

Ricky the fuck sake.

You said sword fighting.

- Sword Fighting. That's a dangerous sport.

It's not a sport.

It is dangerous but not a sport.

Show me a zero one.

One okay, guarantee that was Donnie.

That was Donnie.

Because he's got that samurai sword on his mantle.

Name an animal that can fly.

Okay, Ricky.

This is still fucking on.

This is your final answer right here.

Ricky, you really nailed this one.

Show me some big points.

Survey said 11.

Okay, that gives us a grand total for Ricky 41.

That's not bad.

Who would win in a fight?

- A rooster or a fucking lobster?

You would be surprised

how fucking tough a chicken is, bud.

Oh man.

I've seen them rip little animals right apart

with their little pecking beaks.

The lobster would fucking take them.

The lobster is a hard shell animal.

You got to have an advantage.

- What the, what's a pecking do to that guy?

You could peck his eyes out.

He could peck his, probably his legs off.

If I was to chick, I peck his eyes are so then he

couldn't see and then he'd just stick up.

Well, but would a chicken go for the thing's eyes?

You know what I'm saying?

And that chicken can pull his legs

off one by one in a hurry.

You want to fight him probably from the rear though.

- Yeah. She get the claw going.

That's going to, it's done.

But it's not like he's fast.

It's not like he's like Bruce Lee.

He would come in like this and he would grab ahold of his

Oh if you got his foot.

Then Boom. Yeah.

But the chick would be like, okay

I'm stuck here now.

And may as well just keep pecking

until you're head's gone.

You just be like, peck, byebye eyes, byebye nose.

You know we should do?

There's a way of figuring this out without hurt,

without hurting an animal.

We can go to the supermarket, get a chicken

grab a lobster, see what the lobster do to us.

See if it'll like cut off his leg or something.

You know what I'm saying?

- Oh, he could.

Lobster can pinch right through.

Let's see how the claw, when it claws together like that

it's still enough for hole.

And I think the chicken legs smaller than that.

So man right's.

Well maybe you're right.

It depends.

It would be a really cool fight.

I think we should try it sometime.

We're gonna eat them both anyway.

Yeah, we could.

No we're not having two way

animals fight to the death.

You could said a dog fights.

We should invite people to the lobster chicken

fight.

- People would pay to see that.

- No we're not.

How many people out there wondering who would win

in a match between a chicken and a lobster?

Pay purview.

Probably two. Two or three.

Who would wanna see you watch it go down?

Would you watch it?

I would watch the shit out of it.

Pay Perview tonight.

Lobster versus the chicken.

I'd become rich.

Yep.

Call Dana White, see if he's interested.

Well the thing is, at least you'd be eating this guy.

You know what I mean?

He loses.

You're eating him so well.

You're not gonna eat him.

See if he will wanna stay around for a little while.

- He's more delicious than him.

I'm not in the, it depends if you put him in a nice brine

overnight.

A brine.

Oh yeah.

Overnight.

Wow. Man.

What is a brine?

- Four gallons of water.

Half a cup of salt, cup of brown sugar.

Soak your chicken in that for 24 hours.

And you tell me you've never tasted a better chicken.

Oh, I thought you meant you put the lobster in the brine

No, he just needs butter.

Gross man.

- You never even tasted lobster.

I've tasted lobster, man.

Bull shit.

Yes I have.

What happened to you as a child?

Did you get attacked by a lobster?

- I just don't like seafood man.

Man, your fucked what comes a food?

But you're not as this boy over in.

I am going to say England.

Netherlands.

England.

He only eats sausages and water.

Fuck that.

- Whole life, three meals a day.

A certain type of sausage and water.

That's it.

It's whole life.

So he is not the healthiest guy in the world.

- How old is he?

- I think he's like 16 now or 15

Not so he won't eat anything else?

- Nope.

So anyway, his mom's like, okay

you're gonna die because he is not healthy.

You can't be healthy off sausages.

Oh you can't.

The water's good there I guess, but, well, yeah.

Anyway, she took him to a hip knock off.

Knocked off.

What do they call it?

Hypno, what do they call it?

Magic spell people.

The magic spell people.

- Hypno pod is.

Man. Keep trying Rick, keep trying.

Hypnotist.

- Close.

Hypnotist. Hypnotist, yes.

They took him to one of the, wasn't called that

it was hypnotist in the theory.

I don't know what

I was gonna forget to look it up, but wow man.

Anyway, they put a brain spell on him

and now he likes all kinds of shit.

He's gonna,

he's gonna live.

The sausage kid is now eating other shit.

Well that's good.

That's a feel good story.

That's really nice.

Mom said it was a show.

He'd go to parties

and then he'd like just go into a corner and cry

cause they would have pizza shit and and he's like,

no, I only want fucking sausages.

Are you?

Try some pizza.

He tried everything.

Who doesn't like pizza man?

Him, Sausage boy.

Sausage boy doesn't like it, that's for sure.

But he wouldn't, doesn't even, he doesn't even drink

like pop or doesn't eat chips, doesn't eat junk.

Just sausages.

How many a day would he be pounding in himself?

Five to six links per meal.

Three meals a day.

So he is, you know, 15 to 20 links of sausage every day.

I bet's just cholesterol with something else.

Yeah, it would be pretty fucked up.

You should have been doing ads

for the sausage company.

They must be, I'm gonna have to try these sausage.

Is there a certain type that he liked?

I don't remember what it is.

But his mother said she had

she had to buy a ton of them every month.

That's a lot, man.

Maybe he was, why was he so fixated?

I mean, you're fixated on the same.

The same tubular kind of things.

That what you can say.

Yeah. Tubular meats.