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Warning, the following program contains

really coarse language, weed, alcohol consumption,

smoking and sexual infer, ferlences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

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Go to hell, bitch.

- What is that?

Go to hell, bitch.

Ricky, how long you been working on this?

I just started.

What are you color, so--

I don't understand.

I'm just trying to pick a page for--

You heard about this.

- The red is what you just did?

Did you hear about that fucking huge cunt they found?

Swimming around Nova Scotia?

What the who?

What?

That fucking large bitch.

Noogumi, they named her.

Which I don't know what that means.

- Ricky?

What are you talkin' about?

You know that you're talking about a shark?

Yeah, that fucking big crazy bitch.

She's like 17, over 17 feet long.

I thought you were talking about a lady.

No man, I wouldn't call a lady that.

Well, you said, that big--

Jesus.

- It's a fucking massive great white shark.

Thirty five hundred and forty-one pounds.

Holy fuck.

Yes, down off the coast of Nova Scotia.

17 feet long.

They tagged her.

Actually, there's a video we should put up right now.

See that, that's fucking crazy.

That's a fish!

Imagine what that fucking thing would do to ya.

It would just, you'd be standing there,

it'd just go harump.

Or, or it would come up

and hold you right there.

Shark fuck you.

It's fucking head is almost as big as you, man.

It's a big fucking beast.

You wouldn't wanna be in like,

in a small fishing boat.

I think it's like 5,000 years old

or something crazy.

It's big.

How old?

5,000, or there was a five in there anyway.

It's fucking--

Fifty.

It's 50 years old, Ricky.

No, it's 5,000 hours then or something.

I thought there was a 5,000 something.

Who fucking?

5,000 hours.

It's 5,000 years old.

Come on, man.

5,000 hours, he said.

Oh, he gets his fucking oil changed at 5,000 hours.

Hey, is that an old shark?

Gets his fins changed out.

Is that a young shark, old shark?

- Fifty?

I think they can live, they can live pretty old, I think.

They can.

The average lifespan of a great white shark, 70 years.

Really?

Oldest shark, I believe,

Greenland, caught this old cocksucker,

512 years old.

Get the fuck out of here.

512 years old, the shark was, yep.

How could you live that long

and not fuck up something and die?

I would never live to 500 swimming around the ocean.

You're gonna fuck up at some point.

Or you just go up to get some air and

A big fucking trawler runs you over.

You would think,

odds are you're gonna fuck up after 500 years.

- He's probably been hacked up a little bit.

But he probably learned from it, right?

- But he's not.

You gotta think, Ricky.

There's not a lot that can happen to him.

You know, there's no, he doesn't have a natural predator,

I don't believe.

What about people?

Well yeah, he did good to avoid--

Somehow that guy avoided shark fin soup, or that girl.

- He did, they did good, whoever that shark was.

That's what I mean.

He could be 499,

then you go to the surface one time,

and a harpoon goes right through your fucking back.

So just wait, he's 500 years old.

512.

- So he was around 1500.

That's fucked up.

He might've known Chris,

Christopher Columbus might've sailed right past him.

Well that's what I mean, probably did.

He's a little guy.

As a little guy.

Survived the wars, survived torpedoes.

Find a Nemo size and Columbus went by,

and he watched them.

What fucking finally did him in?

Oh man, imagine if you're swimming

in Lunenburg on the weekend

then you see that story come out.

You're like, what in the fuck?

Why would you be swimming in Lunenburg,

in the middle of October, Ricky?

- Cold as fuck.

Fucking chilly.

I'll have a wetsuit.

- Well--

I might buy a wetsuit and start swimming in the winter.

Well, they got a lot of pubs right on the water.

You go get drunk at a pub,

hop in the fucking drink, right?

Ricky, will you please get a wetsuit

and start swimming in the winter?

It's gonna be tight fitting too.

I might just wear it around the house.

No man, don't do it.

I'm gonna put some flames on it.

I'm gonna change wetsuit fuckin' fashion forever.

- That might be a good,

do they have those with fucking flames and shit on them?

No, but they're gonna.

- You can get flames put on them, no problem.

I think Steven Seagal had one.

I might go into the wetsuit business.

Steven Seagal had a wetsuit with flames on it.

I'm gonna take the money we make from popcorn

and invest in the wetsuit business.

What will we call them?

Ocean Flame Suits.

I like it.

That's a good, yeah.

Ocean Flame Suits.

Ocean Flame Suits.

Doesn't really tell you what the product is,

but it sure gets your attention.

No, but the flame kind of looks cool

and it keeps you hot.

Maybe too hot, 'cause it's a flame.

Might start sweating in the ocean in October.

- Letting all the sharks know your location.

- I bet sharks would be afraid if they saw one,

'cause they're used to these plain,

little fucking lame black or gray wet suits coming at them.

They see something with flames, like wow.

- Well they think, they think they're fucking,

a seal or something, right?

No, they're looking at you going,

what the fuck is that?

Whatever it is, I'm not touching it.

- Or, they think Steven Seagal.

Don't fuck with him.

He's got a roundhouse kick

that'll fucking knock your shark teeth right out.

Hit up your boy, J Roc.

Can I walk in, dawg?

- Yeah. - I thought you were.

Hey what's crackin' y'all?

It's your boy J Roc, you know what I'm sayin'?

Ya'll bitches got questions, I got answers.

'Cause it's ask me fucking anything.

Ohwaaa!

That's why I'm like,

y'all bitches, write your questions down

on the Internet service,

and if you got the Internet and you host, right?

And I'll be like, Ima ask that question back to myself,

and then Ima answer them shits right quick.

So if y'all bitches has--

Can we, can we actually answer some questions?

I was just getting to that, dawg.

Oh, sorry man.

First question comes from this muthafucker right here,

ya know what I mean?

Wild Bill.

He like, I'm kind of white.

First of all, being kind of white's being like sort of dead

or a bit pregnant.

You know what I mean?

You either all white or you not.

You know what I mean?

Ohwaaa!

I ain't, sounds like you might be, dawg.

I wanna start in the rap game,

but nobody listen to my shit.

I know it's a hard business.

What can I do to stop getting beat up

and roll with the big dogs?

First thing you can do, dawg,

is change your own diaper motherfucker,

'cause it sounds like someone's being a bit of a baby

up in this muthafucker.

And there ain't no room for bitches

that are soft like puppy shit up in this maf.

You know what I'm sayin'?

This question come from Johnny Fuckin Hobo.

Hey muv'acka.

Where you from, Prague with your candy?

Listen to this spelling.

M-U-V apostrophe acka.

What up muv'acka.

Where do bitches pronounce that shit, muv'acka?

You know what I'm saying?

Was that the question?

How to spell muv'acka?

Because you can spell it like this.

M-A-W-F.

You spell like this, M-A-F-K.

You can spell it like this, M-A-W-F-U-C-K-A.

You can spell it like this, M-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-F-S-K.

Meeeeeeefsk, sayin'?

What was the question?

When're you droppin' your next album,

Johnny Fuckin Hobo be like,

and I'm like,

you starving with my new record, ain't you?

Get in line, dawg.

A lot of mawfuckers starvin' with my joint,

you know what I'm sayin'?

But I got the supply up my crib

and that's what makes me the man.

You know what I'm sayin'?

So Ima wait till there's a fever pitch.

Mawfuckers knocking on my door, like where the album at?

Where the album at?

Then I'm like, chum the waters.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Bring the shark circle in.

Ohwaaa!

Next question.

Is it hard to be hard in Canada?

That's from Jesse John Fehr.

Fehr, your last name Fehr?

Bitch you soft.

Holly-Beth Belew.

Hey Holly-Beth, whatchu do on your weekends?

Ain't none of my business, you know what I'm sayin'?

Next question.

Amanda Ladig asks,

what's the best part about having a lil mawfucka?

Well, the best part, you know what I'm sayin',

is going on Maury Povich

and finding out for a fizack that it is yours.

Next question from Jim McLean.

He be like, what do you have to say

about the people stealing your music

through illegal downloading?

Well, I would be a hipacrisette.

Ya know what I'm sayin'?

If I was like, yeah, bitches can't steal shit

'cause I kinda built my empire on stealin' shit.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Luggage, liquors from the world.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Glances at titties,

but no one to steal the occasional glance.

Be like, what up?

Jam my luck balls on them shits, you know what I'm sayin'?

Seeing with the frames tight.

Don King.

That whack ass hair boxing bitch?

If you were forced to change your name due to legal issues,

what would you change it to?

That's a easy one, Don.

Yo momma.

How many more of these mawfuckers

do I have to do right quick?

Ask me fucking anything.

Why don't I ask you something right quick?

When can I get my fucking life back?

You gotta finish the, fuck!

What a dick!

I'm 'bout to apologize to y'all sluts right quick.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Apparently I didn't ampf all your questions.

So Ima amfer them rest of them shits right now.

I amfered eight, that's like eight questions, dawg.

That's even more than like the five W's.

You know what I'm sayin'?

This one from Michael Dambrun.

Where can I get my hands on some Roc Vodka?

You know what I'm sayin'?

You got to drop by Sunnyvale, we'll set you up.

Wahh!

Rob C, this is speed round right here.

Like on a game show or some shit.

How you keep grounded given the fame

and maaafks constantly wanting to do the J Roc autograph?

This bitch spelled maaafks correctly.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Rob C be like, maaafks.

M with three A's.

If maaafks was the puzzle on Wheel of Fortune,

and bitch bought an A,

his game would be tight.

Adam be like, when's the Bare Pimp Project 2 comin' out?

Which hoes are the best?

Adam, technology has changed so much, dawg,

that you should just grab your iPhone,

make your own damn movie, get the fuck out my grill, dawg.

Bigg Monty be like,

you ever thought about going down to Jamaica

and doing a reggae album aka Snoop Lion?

How about the fuck I stay the fuck here in Sunnyvale

and let Snoop Lion come to me?

'Cause that's where I'm out.

Ohwaaa!

I'm out like I stole something.

Peace!

Coming to you live where I will actually attempt

to interview criminals while a crime is in progress.

Gentlemen, Jackson Parkenstill.

Are you in fact responsible for the recent crime spree

in Port Cockerton?

Look Rusty, we're on the TV.

Hi mom!

I suggest you stop pointing that contraption at me

before I bite that gorgeous little nose

right off your fucking face.

It's what pirates do, King Berbido.

I understand that, Reggie.

But what I'm asking ya,

is what kind of idiots break the law,

while there's a camera pointing at them?

I'm embarrassed to be doing business with you people.

This family has a great relationship with the police.

I don't need this getting traced back to me.

- My deepest apologies, your majesty.

I'll be speaking to me subordinates.

It won't be happening again, I can assure you.

- What kind of a pirate captain curtsies?

Jesus Don, how old is this stuff?

- Hello?

Is that those three TV piss clowns?

Where in Rasputin's underpants is Cincinnati Harry?

Just a wrong number, Poppy.

Okay, we'll have to meet on that one.

All right, okay bye.

Have to meet on that one?

Do you always go meet people

that call the wrong numbers, Sammy?

- Well it's one of those female girl types.

It was a woman.

She might know where Cincinnati Harry is.

Ya never know.

That's why you always hear people saying,

you never know.

You lied to this family before and what happened?

- You lopped off six of my toes,

and then you stabbed Uncle Moly,

and kicked him out of the family.

- And then what did I say about ever mentioning that name

in this house again?

I, I don't know.

I can't remember the exact words, Poppy.

'Cause I was trying to find my toes at the time,

but I, it wasn't great.

You lie to this family again

and I'm lopping off something a lot bigger than a toe.

Fair enough, Daddy.

Get outta here.

Think he might be dealing powder again, Stabby?

I'll keep an eye on him.

Jesus, what is going on?

I don't, I don't feel right Stabby.

Something's not right in me.

Shit man, watch what you're doing man, seriously.

Look guys, I'm out of this deal.

No more Sammy, the middle man.

If I got caught talking Uncle Moly, I'm dead.

You're gonna have to deal with them directly.

No problemo man.

Gimme the numero doozy.

- Look, I like you guys.

Call my house again, I'll kill you.

Kill me?

- Uncle Moly scares me, please.

Look man, I'll deal with molehead.

But we gotta get this stuff off the dock to Funtime, ASAP.

Jumping Jeremiah Sniffles, what the hell is that?

Stabby!

What's wrong, Poppy?

- I just threw that up, Stabby.

Ugh.

I'm falling apart here.

We gotta find Cincinnati Harry.

- First we gotta find out what that chunk is.

Looks like a piece of your heart.

My heart?

Can't be a piece of my heart.

Jesus, there is a little tube part there, look.

- What the hell is this?

Mend your heart with love.

Son of a Westford snow whore.

Look who it is.

- Stabby, Jesus.

Not the desk, please.

That's why I bought you the torso.

- Hey, what's going on?

Bubble's here in my shed, with my guitar.

Had a lot of requests to play some songs.

So, I thought I'd teach you guys

how to play "Closer To The Heart" by Rush.

So I'll just play her once

and then I'll show you how to do it.

Here we go.

That's the intro right there.

I fucking nailed it too.

If you didn't notice anyway.

So I'll show you how to do it.

You start here at the fifth fret,

where the second dot is.

You got this finger on here,

this second string here, the B string's open.

Then you got this finger here on the G-string.

Five open and then six there,

and you just do this.

Watch the old fingers, you go--

Then you put your finger on the seventh fret there.

So it's--

Then you slide this one down one.

This is where I fucked it up

and Alex Lifeson showed me how to fix it.

So it goes--

Then back up.

Or sorry, I fucked that up.

You go--

Bum bum bum bum.

You go four, then it's--

So it's--

Did you get that?

So you just do that a bunch of times.

Then you move into the second part, which is chord.

So it's, it's just like,

you know, this chord, but the E string's open,

so it's--

You're just going down like

Then this chord's a little different.

It's here, here and here.

So it's--

And then it's back to this shape here.

So it goes.

Then it's these two.

So it goes.

Then you do this little,

you do a little pull-off there.

Like that.

Some kinda, I don't know how to explain it,

but you just go--

And that's the whole intro right there.

And then it just goes into chords

♪ Must be the ones to start

So I'll just sing the chords.

♪ And the A who holds high G's

♪ Must D the G to A

♪ A the new man G-a-tee

♪ G-D-A-G

♪ D-A-G

♪ Reflect it in their art

♪ To sow a new mentality

♪ Closer to the heart

♪ Yeah closer to the heart

Then Neil does this thing on the ding dongers there.

But if you wanna play it, you go way up here

to the twelfth fret and you go--

No.

Sorry, the fucking tenth fret.

Ten, this one's open and nuts on the eleventh,

so it goes--

Then you move the whole thing up here, so it goes--

That's what, that's what Neil plays on the ding dongers.

But it goes--

And then it comes in heavy.

That's all you really--

Oh yeah, but then under the solo,

he plays different chords.

♪ Closer to the heart

♪ Yeah closer to the heart

Here's the chords under the solo.

D-G-C-A

That's how you do that.

Remember when Van Damme said he kicked Steven Seagal's arse?

He was on Jay Leno or Johnny Carson,

or one of those shows.

How come they never fought?

I think Steven Seagal would kick the fuck out of him.

I don't know man, Van Damme.

I mean back then, maybe not now.

I don't know.

- He, he said he would.

He was pretty confident that he could kick his ass,

wasn't he?

Well, I mean back then, Van Damme was you know,

he was bouncin' around.

And he would say, oh you know,

Ooh, I kicked his arse.

And then Seagal was on a couple weeks later

and they asked him, you know,

who would, who would win?

And he just straight faced said, I'd kill him.

We should, we should fucking talk to those guys,

and get them,

"All right boys, here's the deal.

You get to train for one year

and then it's a fucking all-out battle.

A hundred million dollars."

Who's putting up the money, Ricky?

Yeah, I haven't figured that part out.

Why doesn't Dana White get a Jean-Claude Van Damme,

Steven Seagal, fuckin' blood sport type?

- That would be awesome.

He could make a hundred million dollars on that.

- Yeah.

Or, or he wouldn't make anything

'cause nobody gives a fuck.

There's the other possibility.

I think I'd pay 20 bucks to see it.

Or even Mike Tyson against Seagal.

A hundred million divided by Tyson is what?

- Mike Tyson and Seagal?

Mike Tyson would beat the fuckin' teeth outta Steven Seagal.

Do you think Seagal would say that?

If you threw him on fucking Kimmel or something?

Would you beat Tyson?

He'd go, yep.

Kill him.

Mmmm, that's a good point.

Telling you man.

- But Steven Seagal, he's like--

- He doesn't like the--

He's not in good shape anymore, is he?

- Yeah, but he just fuckin' uses the other opponent's energy

and just throws him down.

Doesn't get hit.

- I don't know.

Have you seen Mike Tyson trainin'?

That's what I'm saying, it'd be a good fight.

I don't think it would be.

No, no, no, I think he'd kick his ass.

Steven Seagal versus Mike Tyson.

- Oh, Mike Tyson would--

But there's people out there that would say uh-uh.

No, but Steven Seagal might use some of his ninja moves

and I don't know, it's a tough one.

Mike could take to the ground and pound.

- If Tyson came runnin' at him with a flurry,

what would Seagal do?

I mean, he is--

Don't know man, that's what I'm saying.

- Maybe he could go tuk tuk tuk and block it.

And fire him out of the ring, I don't know.

You ever work with titanium?

Have ya?

Why there, Ricky?

What way?

Do you think you could build a toilet out of titanium?

- Oh, you wanna believe I could.

23 million if you can, bud.

- NASA just, NASA just launched a 23 million dollar toilet

made out of titanium into space.

Yeah, they did.

For some dry runs at the space station.

- Why are you going "dry runs"?

I don't think they're very dry, are they?

They don't mean that, Ricky.

Is that what the article said?

- Yeah, I mean.

No, when they said for a dry run, Ricky,

they meant a test.

Not somebody's got the dry runs.

I thought maybe when you went to space

and fucked it all your shitter up, or something.

- Well, it does.

I mean, you can't,

you can't take a poop in zero gravity,

like a normal person.

You gotta have a soccer hose on your hole.

But you gotta stop talking like right at me,

when you're talking this way, man.

Like I can't handle your face.

Fuck fuck fuck!