Original subtitles

Warning, the following program

contains really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking,

and sexual infer-fer-lences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go yourself button

on your remote control.

Don't. You're not fuckin' filming this, right?

'Cause we're not doing this yet.

We just gotta finish this,

and then we'll shoot the fuckin' thing, okay?

Okay, yeah.

Holy fuck, Rick,

I'm putting out these fuckin' joints, man.

It's too, I can't-Oh yeah!

I can't see what I'm doing.

All right, we just fuckin' got in here, now.

What the fuck is this thing?

"Enter password."

Just start punchin' buttons in.

- Hold on a sec. - You moved it.

Oh yeah, this is good.

- Yeah!

Fuck yeah. All right.

That's still, that's still fuckin'.

We gotta get through that.

- Fuck.

All right, I gotta,

I'm gonna fuckin' drill a hole,

this thing through here.

I'm almost through.

Then we gotta put a, I don't know what the,

like a hook kind of thing up in there.

We're gonna need, fuck.

Son of a fuckin'.

- Motherfucker!

You know what?

We gotta get down through here-

- Boom.

- or through the fuckin' front.

All right, well, I got a hole here.

This is where...

Hello! Hold on a second.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who is it?

- What?

The door's locked.

- Bubs, uh, just a, I gotta get dressed, man.

Just one second.

What the fuck, "connection failure."

- Just a sec, Bubs, I'm pissin'.

- Put it in the fridge.

You're pissin' in the living room, are ya?

Ah, almost dressed, buddy.

What the fuck are we gonna say?

- Fuck, he's got a key?

Bubs, hold on a second.

- Bubs.

- What's goin on, Ricky?

Jesus Christ.

I got a key.

All right, just,

all right, I'm dressed.

Why wouldn't you open the fuckin' door?

I was just gettin' ready.

All ready to go here.

Just, uh, gonna have a game of cards.

Nothin' in the fridge.

Why are you guys both being so weird?

'Cause I'm fuckin' baked, Bubs.

See my new car?

I built that, remember that, I built that in jail?

Just found it.

That's a fuckin' good job right there.

- 10 bucks to, ah, get in here.

Let's go, 10 bucks.

What's that?

Just a, uh,

just somethin' I ordered.

It's a, don't ruin the surprise.

What is it?

It's a surprise.

It's somethin' I got for you for Christmas.

- It's a Christmas tree. - Bubs.

Boys?

Look what you did, Bubs.

- A ATM!

Well, do you ever,

did you bring your bank card, need any cash?

Oh my god. Where did you get it?

Ah, just, I ordered it on, ah, eBay.

Ricky, you didn't order it.

You stole it.

- Nope.

- Okay, so I'm probably involved in this somehow, am I?

Okay, you know what?

Now that you're involved,

we've got this front piece open.

Okay, I'll show you what's happenin'.

We need to get through this fuckin'.

We got this open

down here.

So this is, we need to get into this part right down here.

Yeah, where the dye pack is.

It's fuckin' secure, I'll tell you that.

It's a lot harder than the last one.

The old one, the handles used to be over here.

You can just get in there

and fuckin' yank the cocksucker open.

Now they move the fuckin' handle in the middle.

You know what, I,

where did I touch it?

I don't want anything.

- No, you don't wanna get covid.

Bud, don't worry about that.

Just use some hand sanitizer

and you'll be all right.

I am not,

I'm not worried about covid Ricky, for fuck sakes.

All right, and-

- Here, hold your hands out. No more covid.

Bubs, we did plug it in. It fires up.

So is there a way you can get in?

So there's a dye pack in it.

You're lucky you're not covered

in blue fuckin' paint right now.

We were gonna have you-

- Just put your bank card in,

we'll just take out some money, little bit by little bit,

- See, it's on.

Do you know what this code means?

- It wouldn't be hooked up to the network.

Do you know how to, did you plug it into a network cable?

There must be a service thing in case it fuckin'-

- You would have to plug in a network cable

And know the fuckin' IP and the password and everything.

Well, so you can't do it.

It's basically a computer with its own-

- And who knows about computers, huh?

Oh fuck, it's bright. It's bright in here, eh guys?

So, and you're already, you're on the camera.

Nobody's gonna fuckin' see this.

No, he didn't have the camera on.

We're gonna turn on now when we start the, uh,

start the thing.

All good to go.

Now, just a second.

Where did you get it, Ricky?

Just a second.

You know those online auction things they have?

They were like, "Hey, got, ah,

anybody wanna ATM to put in their livin' room?"

And I was like, "Fuck, that'd be kind of cool."

Fuckin' thing.

Careful with that thing.

Hit ya right in the head.

And yeah, I got the highest bid on it.

Next thing I knew-Ricky.

They dropped it off

and I got a cash machine in my livin' room.

So if you ever need some cash.

You think I'm gonna believe

that you went on an online auction

and bought a fuckin' ATM for your livin' room.

I don't know if I own it.

I think I might just be renting it, but it's here.

Okay, so let's just pretend

like there isn't a fuckin' 20-years-in-jail fuckin' thing

sittin' in the middle of a living room here.

All right, one question.

If I wanted to find out how to get in,

what is this thing called,

if I want to be able to hack into it?

- Hack into what? - I'm not telling ya.

A safe?

Not telling ya.

It's not a safe.

We shoulda just used the fuckin' backhoe

to smash it open.

I mean,

no, the a, okay.

When you went to pick it up from the auction, Ricky?

They had a backhoe there, and we should have said,

"Hey bud, you know I do want an ATM in my living room

for cash reasons."

- But smash it.

- "Just smash it open so we see what it looks like inside."

That would've been the smart thing to do.

All right. Okay.

We've got a bunch of questions here today.

People, uh, thank you.

I know it looks like some people spent some time

with these questions.

I briefly went over them,

and I think you're gonna be in good hands.

All right, this one's from Desertroid.

"Dear Julian,

two years ago I lost my high-payin' job

due to the fuckin' crisis.

Since then, I'm on welfare.

No jobs have been coming up

because the whole America is fucked.

I'm not losing any money.

Got a lot of time on my hands.

I finally can drink, smoke and get weird like I ever wanted.

However, my fuckin' older sister,

who's square as shit is brown,

is constantly playing the guilt card on me.

How can I make her shut up

and, you know, think that I'm not doing anythin' wrong

by rippin' off the government."

All right, number one, I mean, rip the government off.

They're the biggest fuckin' gangsters,

as far as I'm concerned, on planet Earth, okay.

Rip them off. Collect your money.

You've been working hard, you know.

Eventually, you gotta get a job

because, you know, you can't be on pogey, fuckin',

your entire life, dude.

So get drunk, get high.

Think of what you wanna do, where you're gonna go next.

Tell your sister to chill the fuck out.

"I'm just relaxin' for a bit.

I'm gonna eventually get into something.

I gotta figure out what I want to get into.

Relax."

So, you know, keep, rip the government off, man.

You're doin' good.

Next one's from Zi En.

"Dear Julian, I'm currently kicked out

of all the high schools in my city

for the use of marijuana and sellin' it.

I'm currently debating on whether or not

to start growing dope in my shed

and start to sell my own crops.

What is your opinion?"

All right, number one,

I think of that and the first thing I say to myself is,

"Would I get into business with this guy?"

My answer, definitely fuckin' not.

Dude, you're on the fuckin' black list.

You've been kicked out of every fuckin' high school

in your city for smoking, growin' dope.

I mean, the flags are up, dude.

You start fuckin' growin' dope in your shed,

you're gonna get caught.

This is what you gotta do.

You gotta find someone that's else,

you know, somebody that, someone like Ricky, okay?

Like, you sound a bit like Ricky

because he's been kicked outta schools all the time,

you know, for growin' and sellin' dope.

But the thing is, Ricky had someone like me beside him

to figure out the whole business end

and figure out ways of not gettin' fuckin' caught.

You gotta find someone like me to get in business with you.

Start it up, you know.

Listen to this guy.

Don't be a fuckin' dick.

Don't do stupid things.

Don't take too many risks.

Grow your dope.

Don't tell anybody about it.

And maybe you'll, maybe you'll make some money.

Who knows?

I guarantee you're gonna go to jail.

I'd say you got an 80% goin' to jail

'cause you do sound like not only Ricky,

but Jacob and Corey.

They're not that bright.

We're not gonna die

Then you better start walkin' and go find Terry.

- Fuck!

Don't come back without the key.

Thanks a lot, lads.

Way to be missing.

My phone was only on like 2% anyway.

And then I met these, like, ranch guys,

and they were, like, gave me a place to stay.

I was thirsty.

They took care of me.

A few people on your bike.

- Oh yeah, I can have a few people on my bike

Hey Trish, how's it goin'?

Who the fuck's Subaru is this, Terry?

It's actually my new girlfriend, Brenda's.

She's a beautiful lady. I met her jaywalkin'.

I'm Constable Brenda Robitaille

with Calgary Police Services.

Funny story.

So he's jaywalkin'.

I'm like, "Hey, you're gonna stay 'n' pay

or d'ya need me to take you down to the office?"

We exchanged numbers. We've been texting.

She's like, "Terry, I need someone to watch my kids.

I gotta work."

Uh, what's her name, Rose?

Rose and Xavier.

Xavier, yeah.

I'm just gettin' to know 'em.

Do you wanna see some history?

Let's go see the coal mines and stuff.

So I didn't come here to see you.

Oh yeah, how convenient. No, of course.

I didn't come here talk to

They just love him.

They're so bonded with him, you know.

Whenever he's over, they're like,

"Mom, mom, what time is Terry gettin' up?"

I'll be like, "When I'm done with him."

- I've been hangin' out with these rancher guys-

- Oh, really?

And they have a bunch of horses and stuff.

It's a sweet place.

Oh, no way.

- Yeah.

We're just gettin' to go party, yeah.

These guys love, you guys want?

Yeah, man, we can come check it out.

Don't invite them to come with us!

Don't worry, Trish.

I ain't gonna try to, like, wheel you again or anything.

- The competition was we were gonna get pulled

behind horses with skis on,

and, like, he didn't have any money.

So, a good bet's, like, always could be,

like, a haircut your hair.

Okay, so the loser, the winner gets to cut

the loser's locks, eh?

- Yeah.

Give her!

Fuck!

All right, let's get this over with here.

You know what losers'll lose.

I took care of these kids because Terry and Lance

were partying and fricking passed out.

Well, yeah, we have to.

It's like, it's just we were givin' her.

It feels better already back there, Bud.

We slept in the car.

- I'm sorry about that.

Oh, well, they slept, yeah.

So, well don't tell your mom that.

If you can lend me a honey bucket,

I can get these kids home a lot quicker

'cause we don't have to stop so much.

Like, it's just non-stop stoppin'.

Yeah, well just give 'em,

quit givin' 'em things to drink too.

That'll make 'em pee less.

Yeah, good call.

I know guys like that that bust their asses all the time.

He's got my kids right now, and I know he's probably,

like, you know, really responsible.

Takin' them to, like, learn stuff, museums.

You guys gonna get right loaded?

- Always, buddy.

Look at daddy!

These are not your children!

Daddy, daddy!

Oh yeah, that's startin' to look nice.

You could hear it sizzle.

I dunno if you guys could hear that,

but it's fuckin' cool.

I like the sound of sizzle.

All right, that's startin' to look pretty good.

Now this side, I'm gonna try it without the tinfoil

'cause it's taking forever.

Just put her right on there.

Yeah, that's actually workin' pretty good.

So maybe you don't need the fuckin' tinfoil

with this type of iron.

I don't know who makes this fuckin' thing.

Now I got no joints, no drink,

so I'm just gonna sit here and fuckin'

twiddle my cock, I guess.

Oh, there we go.

All right.

Grilled cheese number two without an oven

with a fuckin' iron.

Take your little fuckin' thing.

Snap that up just like that.

Look at that.

Fuckin' delicious.

Now that's all fine and good,

but number three, this is the important one.

If you don't have a fuckin' iron.

Suppose some fuckhead comes along,

sees your iron in your hotel room.

He's drunk, he's like, "Ah, fuck off."

That's broken.

Maybe the power goes out.

Who fuckin' knows?

There's still ways to do this.

Like I said,

number one tool to always have is a fuckin' blow torch.

This one you should definitely use fuckin' tinfoil

'cause you can burn a fuckin' grilled cheese

pretty quick with a blow torch

Just throw all that away.

Two more pieces of bread.

I hate these fuckin' wrappers.

We're gonna go triple cheese on this one.

Fuck it. We're gettin' to be little crazy.

It's the third sandwich,

three pieces of fuckin' cheese.

Same thing, you butter the fuckin' thing before you cook it.

Try not to get plastic in there like that.

It's a big fuck up.

It melts, tastes like shit.

Come on, butter, don't fuck with me.

There's gotta be a better way to do this.

I'll figure that out it one of these days.

Take the tinfoil,

slap that fuckin' thing on there like that.

Time to cook.

You'll see a bit of flames. Don't worry about that shit.

Just burnin' off butter.

You'll smell some shit and you might smell that

and taste it on your sandwich, but it's not that bad.

It's not bad for you. It's just tinfoil.

See how everything's, oh.

Shit, fuck.

That's a bit of a fuck up there.

Just keep that like that.

Oh, yeah, she's startin' to cook up nice here.

Fuck off.

Ah, fuck.

You gotta be careful with these things too.

Should probably be usin' my oven mitts for this.

All right, the fuckin' tinfoil

is not working as good as I had hoped for this.

There's little bits of it stuck in there.

Just have to do it this way, I guess.

You wanna hold the torch pretty far away

or you're gonna really fuck everything up.

Come on, baby.

All right, that side's lookin' pretty fuckin' good.

Takes a bit of time, but it's fuckin' worth it,

especially when you're extra drunk, extra high, power's out.

Blow torch, bread, cheese.

Here's a little secret I learned as well.

You wanna really get the cheese a little melty

after you got shit toasted?

Just melt that shit up a little on its own.

Ah yeah, that's coming together fuckin' nice now.

Right 'til she starts bubblin' a bit there.

Look at that. Fuckin' delicious.

Fuck sakes.

So you gotta be careful with that.

When you got butter in your hands

things can become very fuckin' slippery,

and you never know where that might end up.

All right, you can do however fuckin' long you want,

but I think that's probably good for me.

Take out your knife.

Cut that little fucker in half.

Fuckin' delicious.

This has turned out to be one

of the most fucked up days of my life.

Guess what I just found out.

You remember Cyrus, that idiot that tried

to take over the trailer park that time?

Well, apparently he was in night school

'cause he didn't get his fuckin' Grade 10 either,

and the teachers couldn't handle him,

so he's writin' his fuckin' final exam with us today.

And all these kids coming up to me saying,

"Hey, did you see who was with Cyrus?"

Guess who was with him? Lucy.

And she's doing that to try to make me jealous.

She's bangin' Cyrus,

which is bullshit.

Like, do people want me to fail Grade 10?

I got all this dope stuff

and Lucy and Cyrus on my mind today

and you fuckin' idiots followin' me around.

I can't handle this, guys.

But you make my words.

I'm gonna get my Grade 10,

and everybody else can just catch a boat

to fuckoffity land.

So shut off your little camera,

and I gotta go write my fuckin' exam.

Wish I had time for a smoke, but I don't.

Fuck, shut it off, guys.

You're fuckin' pissin' me off.

The red light's still on in the front.

Pencils down.

Who's smoking?

Ricky.

Richard, you're letting me down.

- Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm addicted.

He's cheatin'.

And look at the back of his arms and neck.

They're friggin' a cheat couple.

Congratulations. You both failed Grade 10.

Get out of my classroom.

You gotta be kidding.

- Please, Miss Connolly, it's not my fault.

He made me do it.

I'm gonna have to talk

to your mother about this, Jacob.

I'm really disappointed.

Get outta my class.

- Please don't call her.

Get outta my class

- Please don't call her.

Hey Cyrus, knock, knock.

Who's there?

Someone who just failed Grade 10.

I'll see you later.

Well, you can't see me now

'cause you're kicked outta Grade 10.

Fuck off, I got work to do.

Have fun gettin' a job since you're kicked outta Grade 10,

ya fuckin' dummy.

Richard, you're on thin ice.

Eyes back down to your paper.

- Sorry, Miss Connolly.

Oh, now my fingerprints are all over the tools.

Nobody's gonna fuckin', what are you talkin' about?

Well, the way I look at it,

you're in on it now.

- The sooner we get the fuckin' thing open,

the sooner the thing goes into the fuckin' harbor.

Did you ever think of drillin' it?

I have the drill.

I've got a fuckin' hole in the back.

Obviously, you don't know how to fuckin' drill out,

fuckin' bore out-

- You know what's inside that thing?

One hell of a party.

He's right.

Lotsa parties.

I'm not showing you.

I'm, we're gonna take it,

we're gonna dump it behind the mall.

After we open it.

I'm totally cool with that.

We'll buy those mask-lak suits.

Put those on. Wrap our faces with protection.

Then we'll open the dye pack and say,

"Come on, hit me, mother fucker. Hit me."

He's gonna do it.

Well, where, Ricky?

Where are you gonna open it?

'Cause your whole trailer will be covered in blue ink,

blue dye.

I think it'll look, it would look nice.

It's a bit of a catch 23

because if we take it outside, people might see it.

Let's just do it in here.

We might have to make a Dexter kill room in here

and then have at it.

- There you go.

And we could use, if we need to kill anybody,

then it's two for one.

Exactly.

- Unbelievable.

What do you think, Bubs?

I think you guys are fucked,

and I'm having trouble forgettin'

that that's sittin' behind me.

Nothing's, what, you're afraid of this thing?

Come on.

- Yes, I'm afraid of the thing,

afraid of going to jail.

What do you got on your paper, Ricky?

Yeah, come on.

Come on, let's see ya smile, Bubs.

Come on.

Come on. Here.

Hit it. Just hit it.

Give it a good hit.

I feel fuckin' great, man.

Me too.

I'm in a great mood, and you're fuckin' it up.

This is this crazy party just on the horizon.

So if I help you do this, what do I get, one third?

This, number one.

One third?

- "Starfish don't have brains."

I'm gonna write something nice to you,

a little, you know, a little bit later.

"Starfish don't have brains," it says.

Neither do some people.

- You got a, I got a new nickname for you, Ricky.

- What?

Starfish

Isn't that a nickname for your anus or something?

That's the chocolate starfish.

Chocolate starfish, man.

Ah, so this is great, Bubs.

- What does this gotta go under,

forest, field, jungle, sky or sea?

Do you know where Starfish live, Ricky?

- His name's Starfish, remember?

There's a big hint in the name.

Based on the suction cups around it,

I would say it's a tree climber.

What's his name, Ricky?

What, say his name, two syllables.

What is it?

Suction?

No, his name. What is it?

It's a...

A starfish.

Does that give you any kind of a hint where he's from?

I get the star part 'cause it looks like a star, kind of.

If you hold it way back there, look at that.

- Yeah, it definitely looks like a star, man.

Yep.

- And what about the other part?

Fish doesn't make a lot of sense,

'cause it's definitely not a fish.

Does that look like a fish?

No, it doesn't.

It looks like a starfish,

a type of fish.

It's not actually a fish, technically

So then it goes in the sea.

Oh, boys.

Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck off, come on,

fuck, fuck, ooh, fuck, oh fuck, fuck off,

fuck, ah fuck, Jesus Christ!

Fuck off.