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Warning, the following program

contains really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking and sexual inferences.

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- What's your plan with this fucking thing?

Yeah.

- I'm just gonna shine it up and make it nice.

- Bubs, you're getting flakes of

fucking rusted shit into my fucking drink.

Well cover your fucking drink, 'cause I'm-

- So you're gonna shine it up, and then what?

It's just a nice old thing to own, Ricky.

I'm gonna maybe paint it,

maybe I'll paint it fire engine red.

Guarantee that's been up Seymour's ass.

If you paint it-

- No it hasn't.

If you paint it, then the paint will all chip off

when you anvil stuff.

No, if I paint it, I won't use it as an anvil,

I'll just have it as a art piece.

But I mean I could use it as real anvil.

I'd like to make a sword.

Or ass diddler.

You're not making any of those things outta my anvil.

I got this. Ricky, there's a whole bunch more tools

down in Seymour's old shed, that I've got dibs on,

Randy said I could have first dibs.

So next week I might have a bunch of-

- Do you any something for pounding?

Pounding. What?

I wanna do some pounding.

- What type of pounding?

Like metal pounding.

Like bang, bang, pounding.

- That's what this thing's for.

That's what this is for, Ricky.

- Yeah. I want to build,

if you fold steel until like a hundred times,

you can make a nice sword, I think it is.

- 400 Times? - Ricky, you've been watching

Forged and Fire again.

Those ninja swords.

He watches Forged and Fire,

and he thinks he can make a sword.

Like some of those things

are like 400 layers or something, yeah?

Yes, but you don't just fucking-

- There's no way you could do that.

Ricky. It's-

- What's the fire?

What do you mean?

It makes the heat.

It's fire Ricky.

No, but it's hotter, hotter than a normal hot.

I don't know

Lots of coals man-

- I've never watched it.

- Red hot burning coals.

I think I did inhale some rust.

- Well, you should have a fucking mask on, man.

Yeah.

And you're getting, Bubs,

I can feel 'em fucking hitting me.

Yeah.

Oh man, remember that idea

we had last night banged up,

the escort service?

No.

No.

It was a good one.

I forget what it was called but it was fucking funny.

- Hold that thought. Should we-

- Oh, Skip the Misses.

Skip the Misses.

- Yeah. Escort service.

- Ricky.

That's a good idea. That's a good,

that's a catchy fucking...

- Whose idea was that? - Was I even there?

I don't remember that.

Skip the Misses.

I don't remember.

- Maybe you just came up with it on your own.

- Yeah, deliver.

Skip the Misses, so you skip your.

Wife or your girlfriend?

Your wife goes to work. Call us.

Skip the Misses.

- I betcha its never been called that before.

- Skip the Misses escort service and they-

- We're not in the phone book.

Maybe we should be.

So that's Duber and Skip the Misses, now,

- we're gonna be come up with. - We're going to be

set for life.

- Oh here, look.

- Did you hear about the crazy-

- Bubs, get the fuck away from me.

I gotta wipe my hands off.

- Hear about the crazy cocksucker and the jet pack over LAX?

No.

Flying around 3000 feet in a jet pack, yeah.

I thought of you, 'cause it sounds like you,

- you'd love to have a jet pack. - 3000 feet?

That's pretty fucking high.

Yeah, that's high on a jet pack.

So you get a couple

pilots talking, Did you see the cocksucker?

Some guy passed us in a jet pack, Tower.

Yeah. I mean he shouldn't be flying around.

Definitely not flying around LAX,

he could get sucked into the engine,

or something, it's so easy.

Here's a question, how much would someone

that fucking uses those jet packs and things,

how much would they make a year?

What do you mean?

How much would they, they gotta be making money

doing it, right?

- I don't know.

Get aid to fly a jet pack?

- Yeah.

- I don't think you'd get paid.

I think it's a hobby.

- You gotta man.

I mean did you see the cocksucker over in Dubai,

flying next to the A380?

- That's that's what I'm saying,

he's gotta be making some money.

- He makes money probably, 'cause he's got a sponsor on his,

have you seen it Ricky?

- Oh yeah. - I dunno,

is he in like a squirrel suit, kind of like that?

- He's got a suit on with a wing on the back,

with a couple of jet packs

and he's flying alongside

a fucking Airbus 380.

That'd be fucking cool.

- So he is up that high?

Well it's pretty high, yes,

it's not like full altitude 'cause they're flying

over the top. - That'd freak you out?

If you were to do something like that?

Here, put the video up,

put the fucking video up.

There.

Okay. Would you do something like that?

Yes!

Right now.

And you wouldn't freak out?

No, I'd be right there,

I'd go right up and knock on the windows.

How can he land?

Does he have wheels on his knees?

I don't know, I think he flies into a big net.

That's a good idea.

That's how they retrieve the drones over.

I think that would freak you out man.

If you're looking over and

you've got a big fucking jet

like that next to ya.

- No, I- - So, okay,

what about this?

If there's a super tanker

in the fucking harbor and you decide to go up

and swim and swim around the thing,

would that freak you out?

- Yes. - I wouldn't do that

'cause I could get sucked in.

Well, it's kinda like the same thing.

No it wouldn't.

No, 'cause you're in complete control.

I mean you don't want get ahead of it.

You get ahead of it, you're done.

You're getting sucked in that big fucking

big fucking Pratt and Whitney

going out the back like spaghetti noodles.

Yeah, that would suck man,

you're done, like, you're fucking-

- Oh, if you get sucked into the engine of an A380,

you're not gonna make it,

I hate to tell you- Does that happen a lot?

No, Ricky.

Oh it can ingest a bird.

But I mean if you

go go into one So can your mama.

With your whole fucking jet pack on,

with your wing and your helmet

and you go into those fucking turbine blades.

Compress or fail.

Everything goes out the back, including you,

shredded into about 6 million pieces.

They should have protection on those industries.

- Yeah, like a cone. - Like a cone thing.

You know what I'm saying?

It would interrupt the airflow.

You think they didn't think of this already?

Do you know how much air

that engine needs to fucking suck in

to create enough compression for jet power?

I bet you your grandmother

would have that answer for us

if she was still alive.

- What's that supposed to mean?

Because she, I heard a lot of stories about her man.

What her sucksome power?

- Sucking Sally.

- My grandmother's name wasn't sucking Sally.

It was.

- Okay, here we are, Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

We have a huge fucking event happening today.

We have a footrace happening,

here to there, hundred meter dash,

and it is fucking high tension here today.

There's a lot of money being passed around.

These are the three, three fellas here.

What's your name, Son?

Dan The Fairy Jennings.

Dan The Fairy Jennings,

named himself that, believe it or not.

We got Ryan. Ryan, the Cannon Gannon, here.

Yep, yep.

And the defending champion, right here.

Byron The Bisexual Runner.

Last year, you might remember,

he fucking devastated Dale, just crushed him.

Okay. Are you guys ready?

- Oh, we're ready? - Yeah, let's go.

- You guys ready? - Let's go.

Are we ready down there?

Okay.

Okay, here way go boys.

Okay, are you ready?

On her mark, here we go.

- On your mark, get set,

go!

Come on Jennings!

Go on Jennings!

Nailed it! Effortlessly!

Damn it.

- Byron!

Nailed it!

Holy fuck that was unbelievable.

Byron the Bisexual Runner, second year in row,

how are you feeling?

Pretty good. I think I,

I'm gonna pick up a girl and guy tonight.

Take them back to the old hotel.

A girl and a guy, hear that, he's to bisexual winner.

Where's the two losers at?

Get one of them over here.

Get one of them over here.

So you got just fucking completely demolished.

How are you guys feeling?

He got demolished.

I almost got him destroyed.

- Did you? - Yeah.

You almost had him, was that true?

- Eh, I don't think so.

Check the play by play, I honestly think it does.

Kicked your ass anyways.

- Oh, definitely, yeah.

But I mean, do you feel like losers,

'cause that's what you are.

Felt like a loser before I came into this race.

All right, well that's good.

- I've always been a loser. - That's good. Okay.

From from Swearnet Sports, signing off,

Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

That was fucking unbelievable race, right there.

Usain Bolt probably, probably would shit himself

if he saw that.

Which one of these fucking cameras

am I supposed to look at for this?

Over here by this one mainly.

All right.

Hi there, Welcome to Getting Learnt with Ricky,

I'm Ricky. Got my own fucking show here at Swearnet,

they gave me this show,

gave me own fucking set here in the studio.

Had to bring up my own fucking tools,

but, still kind of cool.

At first, I didn't wanna do this stupid show,

but then I'm like, you know what?

I could get people fucking learnt,

so here we go.

Got my gasoline, which you need for a lot of shit.

Fridge with not much in it, but some cool stuff.

There's something I forgot about, bonus.

And you know when you're setting up your shop,

this is the first thing y'all learn ya.

It's always good to fucking put your tools up

and then you trace them,

so then when you're like holding this thing going,

where the fuck does this go?

You look at your thing, you're like, there it is.

And you always find it, you always know where it fucking is.

So even shit like rocks.

You wanna use a rock for a hammer, or whatever.

Put up a little thing there for the rock,

you know where that goes.

Chips, always a good thing to have

in your fucking tool shop.

And this is just my little counter where I make shit,

do experimenting type shit.

Got one of these fucking, best vacuums in the world here.

And I got one of these fucking boards you can draw shit on,

it's like a big fucking piece of paper,

but it's just bigger I guess,

and these markers work really well on it,

if you want to draw like a, you know,

whatever that might be, then it's on there.

Got one of these fucking things.

It's always good to have big fucking heavy tools,

they do a lot of a lot of different things.

Sewing machine, which I'll never fucking work.

It's a pretty good fucking little setup.

On today's episode,

we're gonna get you learnt

on how to make a fucking grilled cheese

when you don't have an oven.

For fucks sakes.

All right.

Everybody fucking loves grilled cheese.

They're fucking delicious, especially when you're know,

really drunk or maybe really high,

you're fucking craving them,

but sometimes you don't have a God damn oven.

So today we're gonna cover three fucking ways

to make a grilled cheese without an oven.

First, I'll start with two ways of not

to fucking make grilled cheese without an oven.

Heaters, they don't work very fucking well,

if you had a piece of tinfoil maybe to put over them,

but no tinfoil, you're definitely fucked with a heater.

Let's get some fucking cheese and some butter and shit.

Get some fucking bread here.

Fucking - look at all that butter.

Butter is fucking awesome on everything.

Now, let's suppose you have a fucking toaster.

No oven, but you gotta fucking toaster be like, ah,

I can't really make a fucking grilled cheese in that,

'cause the cheese are gonna melt everywhere

and fuck my toaster up

and it's gonna taste like burnt cheese shit

for the rest of its fucking life.

You take your little toaster,

instead of putting the fucking bread in like this

with your cheese on it, melting all the shit,

put a slice of cheese on each piece of bread,

if you can get the fucking cheese open.

Fuck these things piss me off.

One piece of cheese,

One piece of cheese on that little fucking thing.

And here's where the fucking crazy science comes in.

Turn your toaster on,

put her up to about medium.

Put the fucking thing on its side.

That's the trick.

Put your little bread in there like that.

There you go.

Nice and fucking perfect.

While you're waiting for that to cook,

perfect time to light a joint.

Always have a fucking blow of torch,

most important fucking tool

you can have in your workshop.

Now if you wanna dig around there while it's cooking,

trust me on this one,

don't use a regular fucking butter knife

'cause it'll electric fuck outta you.

So you put a little bit of rubber on there,

some duct tape, and then you can dig around

and see how shits doing, no problem at all.

Just cooking up fucking nice in there.

More time for another toke, another drink,

if you're drinking, you should be fucking drinking.

Everything takes better

when you're fucking drinking and smoking.

Oh, she's starting to fucking go, there she goes.

Comes out, she's melted pretty good there.

Look at that.

Take your knife, butter this shit up,

let that melt a little bit,

and then you're ready to eat the thing.

Just snap her in half with one of these little guys.

Look at that.

Grilled cheese with a toaster.

No cheese, no shit in there.

Well, there's a little bit of cheese,

it's not at the bottom, anyways,

it'll burn off pretty quick where it is.

Well, let's move on.

Suppose you don't have a fucking toaster.

Maybe you're staying at a hotel room.

Hotels, the one fucking cook. Ah fuck that's hot.

Fuck!

The one fucking cooking element

that they're always having a hotel room is an iron.

Or maybe your toaster is just fucking broken.

Maybe you have a toaster and an iron,

but your toaster breaks somehow.

It just gets fucking,

It's fucked.

So, got no toaster. So what are you gonna use?

Find your iron here like this.

Two more pieces of bread.

This time you can actually butter the bread first.

More cheese.

Oh, look at that, two fucking pieces,

I always use two.

If you can get these fucking, Jesus fuck!

Stupid fucking packaging.

I don't know why they just don't come

with no fucking packaging on them.

Ah, fuck.

Turn them over, I forgot what that part.

Ah fuck, fucked it up again.

Put these little fuckers together now.

Now here's a secret.

You gotta have tinfoil.

You can do it without tinfoil,

but it definitely doesn't work as good.

You wrapped this fucking thing up.

Fuck. God damn it.

There's a bit of beer spilled there.

Clean that up.

And if you got butter on,

you can just wipe that there I guess.

Start heating that little fucker up like that.

One side.

Ah, for fucks sakes!

You gotta be careful, these fucking things are hot.

They fucking burn. Trust me.

I'm getting there.

Actually, while that's cooking like that,

I guess it's time for another drink.

You don't need to use steam. Doesn't really help at all.

Tried it and I didn't see any difference.

Fuck, this is taking forever.

Well, I guess you can let your joint up

while you're waiting for this too.

Fuck.

First time in over a hundred years, I'm scared, Stabby.

I'm gonna show you something,

I don't want you to freak out. Okay?

Look at this.

Leggings?

No, I found this in my bed this morning.

It's the top layer of my God damn skin coming off.

- Jesus Christ.

- I'm shedding like a God damn snake, Stabby.

If I don't get my medicine

from Cincinnati Harry soon, I'm dead. Okay?

Unfortunately, those guys hold all the power right now.

So I need you to promise me to use the nice approach.

- Don't worry granddad.

We're gonna make this right.

Dr. Bender to the mental ward,

please, Dr. Bender.

The Begron will mend your body, mind, and spirit.

The Cristall Heart Sunshine Parish

would love to welcome you to our home

where we will not only feed your body,

but we will feed your soul with happiness and love.

- Okay, eight foot Charlie Manson, recruitment time's over.

- My name is Christall. We will leave the room,

but the Begron will never leave

the space occupied by the room.

He is coming, Brother.

One more word, and I gut you

from your balls to your chin, Brother.

Violent.

Angry.

Ah! Jesus!

- Cincinnati Harry, where is he?

Look, we kind of forgot about this 'til right now.

We got tranquilized with some drugs.

Yeah, like we don't know where he is.

We don't even know who he is.

Is he an actor from the show or something? Or what?

Ah! Okay, okay!

I know where he is. You stab me one more time,

I swear to God, you're never gonna see him again.

My grandfather's dying fast guys,

and Cincinnati's the only one that can save him.

So we're all in this together now.

- All Right. We'll give Cincinnati Harry back,

but we're gonna need a car to go pick him up in.

I'll drive you.

No offense Mr. Stabby, sir, but you scare me big time.

We'll go get him and bring him to you.

That's, that's the deal.

Okay. But I swear to God, if you cross me,

I'll put a thousand holes in each you

with a Robertson screwdriver.

Then I'll fill those holes with my own personal liquid.

One of those peat mossy type shits you have

we don't have fiber in your diet.

Good day.

Why is there, did you know this?

There's two different places.

Austria and Australia.

Holy fuck man. Who doesn't?

Well why are they so close?

They're not even, they're not close.

I looked on the world ball,

and they're actually really far apart.

So the two people, sort of have the same idea,

to call their place that.

And one guy's like, I wanna put an L on mine.

Well people from Austria or something

probably went down Australia

with all the fucking criminals.

Austria is over.

- That's where Arnie's from man,

Arnold Schwarzenegger is from Austria.

- Yeah. So somebody else that's famous and cool as hell.

Who?

There's nobody cooler than Arnie from Austria.

Josef K-K-Koeberl.

Who?

- I don't know.

Who the is Josef Koeberl.

- He's a- - Sound it out, Ricky,

use your words.

J-O-S-E-F.

- Josef. - Josef.

- Okay.

- What's the second one?

I think I can't really read it.

I think it's, K-O-E-B-E-R-L.

K-O, what?

K-O-E...

- K-O-E

- I think. - Koe.

B-E-R-L.

Koeberl.

Josef Koeberl, who the fuck is that?

Anyway he sat in a box of ice for two and a half hours.

Oh, he's broken his own record.

- He's more famous than Arnold Schwarzenegger?

He's right up there.

Bull fuck, he's not, man.

- Ricky... - Doesn't even come close.

He's not even in the same realm.

He sat in a fucking ice bucket?

I don't see fucking Schwarzenegger

sitting in a box of ice for two and a half hours.

What do you mean he sat in a box of ice?

It's what he did.

- How big is the box? - He held the world record,

and then he broke his world record,

his world record was like two hours and a bit less.

How big is the box?

It's big enough to fit him and a shit-cock of ice.

Just like so his whole body's in ice.

Oh fuck yeah, it's bigger than this table man.

He's in there chilling, full body.

But it's crushed ice and shit, right?

It's not like an ice cube?

It's ice fucking cubes.

- Okay.

And he's got it up to his neck?

- Yeah.

- That's the guy that could run around naked,

in you know, really cold conditions, right?

No, I wasn't aware of that.

You ever seen that guy?

No, I wasn't doing that.

Like, no sneakers on, nothing. Naked, running. Yeah.

- Yeah, I never- - Fucking Russia.

- I never Googled naked man running around.

- That's just, called- - Frolicking in the snow.

But buddy can fucking do it.

North Pole, running around. Hey, fuck off weather.

It must be mind control.

It has everything to do with it, man

- Maybe he can hibernate or I don't know.

But that's pretty cool.

It's like with those monks and do, right?

If I did it for two and a half hours,

I don't think I'd be in very good shape.

Ricky, we couldn't,

none of us could do it for five minutes.

- No man

- I'd have hydrothermia.

- You would have "hydrothermia".

Didn't that fucking guy,

his last name's Blaine, - David Blaine?

Didn't he fucking sit in ice for long,

like two hours or something?

- David Blaine?

David Blaine flew himself up to the sky

on balloons the other day.

- What?

Yeah, he got on a lawn chair

with a bunch of helium balloons

and he flew up to like 30,000, 40,000 feet and a parachute.

40,000 fucking Feet.

It was something like that. 25,000.

He went way up there, anyway,

and then he parachuted it back down.

But you should see him going up,

with all the big colorful balloons

- and he waved. - Oh. He had a parachute,

oh that's nothing. That's not a big deal, then.

- It's a pretty big deal

to take helium balloons in a lawn chair

up to 25, 30,000 feet and parachute back down.

I did it, I didn't have a parachute.

It's fucked.

I don't think I went that high,

but I was up there pretty good.

Ricky, you were only about 20 feet up.

- No, I was, everything looked like little dots.

It was pretty, pretty high up.

And I just started popping balloons

one at a time and like came back down.

Landed on the service station.

- Yeah, that never happened. - Something like 25 feet tops.

Maybe I dreamt that.

You were never up that high, Ricky.

I remember when we strapped the balloons

to your lawn chair and we got you off the ground.

I just remember I kept thinking,

when I'm going up, oh this is bad.

Keep getting higher.

No, you started screaming like you were up really high.

Wasn't he smoking the ball?

I remember someone saying just pop the balloons.

And I was like, What? I can't hear you!

'Cause it was so high.

They said don't pop the balloons.

Pop the balloons!

And I was like, oh yeah.

So I then I had nothing to pop them with

and I found my lighter.

I was just like,

and that started coming down.

Fuck, fuck, move, fuck, fuck off,

fuck, Jesus Christ! Move! Fuck!

Fuck off.