Original subtitles

The following program contains

really coarse language, weed, alcohol consumption,

smoking, and sexual infer--ferlences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls please press the big

"Go F#*##* Yourself" button on your remote control!

Women blink twice as often as men do.

That's, see, I knew something was up with that.

Yeah, I knew it.

Bullshit!

'Cause lots of times, you know, you'd be on a date

and she'd be looking at my face, you're like,

"Why the fuck is she blinking so much?" It's-

- What, your date?

Yeah. It's weird.

Never noticed that, man.

So now I guess it's normal. I thought it was me.

- You blink a lot, man.

I'm not blinking.

You're blinking like crazy.

- What was that?

The longest known record

for constipation is 102 days.

Bull shit!

- 102 days, - There's no fucking way.

- You'd shit a diamond.

- No, you would blow up.

- You'd shit a diamond.

She'd be that compressed.

No, that's not it.

What was he eating?

Was he just like fucking--

That's the shitty part about this

OMG facts - You don't know

like you wanna know more.

They don't give you more details.

- Well, you got the Google box.

"102-day constipation bout."

or just put in "shit diamond."

- 100.102 days?

Yep.

You want to go for the record, Ricky?

- No, I do not.

I like to release my products every day.

- Your products?

Products.

Oh man.

It's like a little factory. Is it, Ricky?

- Can constipation cause fevers

I gotta stop drinking boys.

I got a good buzz on.

Fuck it let's just power through with it.

I'm giving up.

I don't care about this guy.

And his 100 day constipation.

Fuck that Ricky

We should write a movie called "The 100 Day Shit."

God just starts pooping

and he can't stop for 100 days.

So he's doing all his business from the

he's got his office set up in the

- Who'd wanna watch an hour and a half of that?

I wonder how long

Put Will Ferrell in it and I would!

- I wonder how long the log was.

That must have been a fucking doozy when you think

about that.

No, I don't think,

I think it was just the density changed.

It would've been

- I remember being, not being able to go for

it was three days, I think.

And when it went, holy fucking Jesus.

It was a long one.

Had to be three feet.

You brought, you called me into the bathroom, Ricky.

Tricked me.

All coiled up like a snow cone.

Not a snow cone.

What do they call it? Soft serve.

- He tricked me.

He goes, "Bubbles, can you help me in here?"

"There's a leak or something with the pipes."

And I walk in, he goes, "Look at that."

It was stacking up out out of the toilet.

This, it's one of those once in a lifetime things.

You gotta share it with somebody.

Don't show me that. - Yeah but you shared it

with like fucking people, man.

The people don't wanna know about this.

I think we took a picture of it.

I think there's a picture of it somewhere.

It was unbelievable.

Nobody needs to see that.

But you don't need to see that.

It was good to see it live.

I'm gonna find that picture.

And we're gonna put it out right now.

If you're a rich as fuck, why would you buy this?

You see the size of that sucker?

- You don't need to do that shit.

- If you're rich as fuck would you buy this.

There's a Israeli jeweler who's building a

fucking coronavirus mask for 1.5 million bucks.

It's gold, white gold.

3000 white and black diamonds.

Oh man.

- And it's got top rated N99 filters built in.

- You know what I'd do?

"Hey, nice to meet you."

Bye.

That's the thing.

Oh yeah.

We should fucking find out who buys it.

The easy thing to, how much is it worth?

- You should be thinking of the jobs man.

That was a good one.

1.5 million.

Yeah I was joking.

- That was, that's a great idea.

- I was kidding.

Don't start.

If someone's dumb enough to buy

that they deserve to have it stolen.

Big time.

Well, only a rich person is gonna buy it

that wants to live.

- Well then you're just basically displaying

how rich you were

and that you fucking should get.

- Right. - You know?

You're basically saying

I can spend a million and a half on this.

Imagine what I got back at the house.

Follow me there.

Cars I have all that shit.

Follow me there.

Kill me.

Take my stuff.

- That's basically what

- Basically what that's saying to

you know the wrong person.

Like a Jeffrey Dahmer sees that

It's pretty cocky to rock around

and basically says, "yeah, I'm rich as fuck."

"Fuck off."

- Oh fuck Ricky, I just thought

of a picture that's gonna make you laugh.

All right.

- Look at this.

It got sent to me.

I was reading somewhere that

Tokyo just put in these toilets in a park

and they're see through.

- What?

Transparon?

Is that, does that mean

Transparent.

- Transparon. Yeah, he's got that

You're starting to get FAS

FAS.

Anyway, that'd be weird.

What was it?

What were you talking about?

- To put toilets

Tokyo, put toilets in a public park that are see through.

Are they in like a little room?

So you're just pissing out in public?

Messing or doing other business?

Oh my Jesus.

What is wrong that somebody that's a terrible idea.

That's different.

And people are using

You mean the, the stalls are clear?

Correct. It's like a fucking glass

- House.

With toilets in it.

Good luck.

What the fuck is this chicken Trevor?

Trevor it's fucking perfect.

Same as Oscar Goldman.

Good job.

- Man I told you Ricky.

Go get the chicken.

Love you, Ricky.

- Trevor you gotta stop saying that, all right?

Go get the fucking chicken.

I can't stop saying that.

I really do like a lot.

Trev, go get the chicken please.

Love you, Ricky.

Let's go. Hurry up.

- I think he's friendly.

Hurry the fuck up Trevor.

Stop playing games Trev.

It's fast Ricky.

Ow he bit me!

- You trying to tell me

a chicken's fucking smarter than you Trev?

It's not smarter than me, but it might be tougher.

I got him.

All right, good.

Put 'em in the bag and get the fuck over here.

See Ricky?

What the fuck you doing with my chick?!

Give me that chick

For fuck's sake.

- Get over here.

This fucking Big Bear fan.

It's fucking Big Bear, over.

What are you doing?

- Trevor, stop turtling and fight back.

- Stop.

Excuse me.

I am a doctor.

He's a mental patient.

He's on drugs.

Just brought him down here for little nature time.

Everything's cool.

- Listen

I I want this I want this boy taken into town.

I want him taken into town.

No, he's, I'm taking back to the hospital right now.

He's a mental patient.

I'm a mental doctor.

I am.

That's my doctor car right there.

For fuck's sake Trevor.

I'm going to call the cops.

For fuck's sake.

I'm going to call the cops.

- Start the car.

Don't call the cops I'm a doctor!

Get out and push Trevor.

For fuck's sake.

Push!

- Stop the car.

Holy Jesus.

Questions? Comments?

I'm gonna cut you bitches into a thousand pieces.

Didn't the doctor say to lay off on

the cigars Poppy?

Way to break the tension in the room Sammy.

Shut your goddamn mouth.

Look sir, we really have no idea who Cincinnati Harry is.

I don't even know what's real right now.

Is this real?

Stabby.

Rob do you know who Cincinnati Harry is?

Who?

You were the last ones with them.

They're lying to us Poppy.

Sammy, who's got the floor?

- You do Poppy.

But I'm just sayin'.

I understand you're just saying,

but it's the just saying that I have a problem with.

Okay?

Stop just saying things.

- Okay I get it.

Zip up my lip throw away the key.

But I was just saying.

Jesus Christ, you just snuck another one in there.

Shut your ugly mouth son.

I apologize for my great-grandson.

I don't know my granddad years ago banged a girl

in the loony bin or something.

He got the G.

You with us again here?

You seeing this?

What the hell's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on ass clown.

If you big shots with your fancy cameras

and your actors and your drugs don't return

Cincinnati Harry, my grandfather's gonna die.

And if he dies, you die.

- Look, we don't know who Cincinnati Harry is.

If any of us did, we'd tell you.

We're not lying.

Bullshit!

Stabby.

That's enough.

Apparently there's been some kind of a misunderstanding

gentlemen.

I apologize for wasting your time.

You're free to go.

Huh?

Hurry up.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Don't let them of your sights, Stabby.

Jesus Christ, can someone answer the goddamn door?

I'm busy here.

Suffering Jesus.

She's just about to blow.

Who in Christ cream corn are you?

And why are you ringing the nuts off my doorbell?

You settle down wrinkles.

- We're looking for Sammy, man.

- Sorry, Poppy.

I didn't hear the door.

It's okay I'll deal with this.

It's okay.

- It's not okay.

Okay? I lost my goddamn wood.

Is that okay?

Ring my goddamn doorbell.

Beautiful piece of wood whittled down to nothing.

Are you guys trying to get me killed?

I'm gettin' you the devil's breath okay?

- Man, whatever.

- Hello. - Where are you?

I'm up by the coast.

Following those three little cock weasels.

Boys don't look now.

But those mafia dicks are following us.

- What?

- Okay. Stay with them.

Don't let them leave town.

But Stabby, do not stab them.

Please?

Okay I know it's hard.

Just promise me.

I promise I won't stab them.

Yet.

You guys see the bloody log fly by?

It's blue.

Why did you do that?

All right.

Morrie's place is this way through the woods.

Let's go.

Out of the car you German son of a bitch.

There's no way out.

I'm Jackson Peckinsteel.

A killer scene here today by Cockerton Point Hill.

Initial reports confirmed that three men have been run

over by car behind me

and then brutally stabbed by unknown assailant.

They have been transported to Port Cockerton General

and I'm happy to report it does not look good for them.

I'm Jackson Peckinsteel.

Up next, our shitty forecast.

- Jumping Jesus on a bogo deck.

What has your father done to me Sammy?

We'll never find Cincinnati Harry now.

- Hello. - You killed me Stabby!

That's it.

I'm dead.

I'm dead!

Don, calm down.

It wasn't them I stabbed.

I can't believe you did this to me.

I'm watching you on my TV right now.

Why do you look so freaked out?

- I would never let anything happen to you.

I would take a bullet for you.

Hello, this is Santa Claus.

Over the last number of decades, Christmas has gotten

completely fucked up.

It's all about fucking money

and toys and bullshit fucking possessions now.

Now that's not what Christmas is supposed to be about.

And for some fucking reason now

all of a sudden I represent that.

You know, I'm supposed to be the fucking representative

of love and joy.

Not fucking bullshit money spending.

So anyway, I think it's time I

I told myself to go fuck myself

in the form of a song.

Here we go.

♪ Or how much money you spend

♪ Do do di do, do do di do

Go fuck yourself Santa.

- Oh yeah you like cats.

There was a man walking his dog in China

and a fucking cat fell out of the sky

and knocked him out.

That was fucked up.

Did you see that?

Super cat lost his powers.

No man, he fucking, he probably saved cat's life.

Yeah

But where did it fall from?

A building?

- Nobody knows.

It didn't just come out of the open sky did it?

- It came from a building, man.

Oh, I guess they do know.

- What do you mean nobody knows?

Knocked the guy right out though.

Right in the fucking head.

- Is there video of it?

There is video.

There is video.

- Okay I want to see it.

CTCV video.

- Holy fuck I think that beaver just moved.

- Maybe the cat.

Ronnie Thunder.

Something living inside of it man.

It's probably filled with maggots.

We have to write a new song instead of

Frosty the Snowman.

What's his name?

Ronnie Thunder?

No, this beaver.

Billy, isn't it?

- Billy Beaver.

Ronnie Thunder fuck some life into Billy Beaver.

- What's that got to do with Frosty the Snowman?

- Frosty the Snowman came alive.

Billy Beaver came alive.

And Ronnie Thunder.

- Oh, so you mean - fucked some life into him.

All right, I found the UFO.

I fucked up.

- Well, we got next week we should maybe do less.

Just a little bit less.

- Maybe.

No man.

Or maybe we should do more.

How long have we been doing the pod thing here today?

Feels like an hour.

And I just found the UFO thing

and then now there's this pregnancy test thing coming up.

Go false.

- You should order that.

Oh no, no.

This is what the fuck.

That's not.

No, no, no.

It's just a shot from the space.

I already watched it

and then it went on to the other fucking video.

Oh Jesus.

Jesus Bubs.

You are fucked up buddy.

Boys I think we've been doing this feels like

like a two hour park after dark.

- Is it a two hour one?

No.

- Crystal meth's fucked.

Really?

Did you ever see Breaking Bad?

Yeah, but you know what, it's more,

you knew it was fucked.

But this girl was on crystal meth

and she gouged her own eyes out.

- Oh geez - 22 year old.

So she just got fucking

she just got prosthetic eyeballs put in

so she can see again, I guess.

How does that work?

- She can't see.

Where are you reading this story?

It's a real one.

Whoa, whoa.

This UFO.

You guys see it?

- Yes we're the one that told you about it.

There's four lights.

Yeah, that's exactly what we described.

I described that.

Four lights reaching.

- Yeah but I had to see it 'cause you're fucked.

Okay. UFOs.

- Did you see it though?

Yeah. Like where'd it go though?

It just, it might have just uncloaked

for one second just to.

So they got cloaking abilities.

- I, well it, it looked like each got cloaks.

They're coming man.

They're gonna take over.

We've been pretty fucked up over the years.

I've never gotten to the point

where I wanted to gouge out my eyeballs.

No, Ricky that's

You got some serious fucking problems

if you're doing that.

Are you sure that

the part where she got prosthetic eyeballs

and can see again is not

That's the part that

or maybe she just looks like she can see again.

Yeah, Ricky.

That's all it is.

They're just so that she doesn't just have

big cavities here.

- You know what happened to her?

She I bet you she watched that movie where fucking

the guy starts gouging his eyes out.

That's what happened.

She got on meth.

She's like, "Oh, fuck here we go."

- Fucking Jesus.

That just makes me want to bleh.

Don't do meth anybody.

Imagine waking up after that buzz song ongoing.

- What did I do?

Something's not right here.

- Something doesn't feel right.

Oh look, I put a fucking Mars bar wrapper

in my eye socket.

And you're rubbing your eyes, but they're not there

Going, "Wait a second something's not right here."

I can't go to the bathroom and check

I'm using my eye cavity as a little purse.

I put change in there.

I got two change purses.

- Maybe she's gonna stop fucking using crystal meth though.

I hope so.

It might be a good, a silver lining.

- Crystal meth.

Is it called crystal meth?

That's the drink crystals.

No, that's Crystal Light.

You could make crystal meth into a drink crystal

you'd probably be a wealthy fellow.

- Isn't that what it is?

I don't, I've never

I don't even know what crystal meth looks like.

Do I?

It's like, yeah, you watch Breaking Bad.

- Oh, was it just little rocks?

Oh, the little blue rocks

They smoke it and they get all fucked.

Oh yeah if you could put it into drink crystals,

I bet you whew.

- You'd fuck up a lot of people.

Okay don't even get thinking about it.

We're not gonna start.

I see the fucking wheels were starting to turn.

No, Ricky.

We're not turning into Breaking Bad and making

crystal meth.

- What if you took weed

- I wouldn't wanna fuck people up that bad.

I'm not that kind of person.

- Weed crystal drink - Weed crystals.

You had that weed crystal drink?

Yeah, that would be good.

- Mix it with Kool-Aid.

Five hour D energy

Some sugar.

Wow.

- Starting to come down.

It doesn't feel good.

- Feels like it's like nap time.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

It's so fun for a while now it's just like fuck.

I got a good snap of liquor in me though.

Good snap doin' the liquor.

Well can you please tell your cats to

stop banging my beaver?

- I can.

- Yeah that's got, that's that stinks, man.

That'd be an extra weird

I think.

No, I think there was already stank on it.

And that's what allured Ronnie Thunder in to do the bang.

And I don't think Ronnie left a stank on it.

- You find a hole in it?

Is there an actual

There's one right there.

Put your finger in there just to see

if there's any like maggots or anything.

I'm not sticking my finger in Bill Beaver's fuckhole.

Did he actually put some juice in there?

If he got his juice in there

it might have loosened everything up.

It's probably filled with maggots.

Jesus put it down

Too much analysis happening.

I want you to dry clean my beaver.

Fuck off.