Original subtitles

Warning, the following program contains

really coarse language, drug use, Randy,

alcohol consumption, smoking and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls, please press the big

go yourself button on your remote control.

Have you ever lefthanded at-

- Yes, I have.

Many times, just for a little something different.

And when I broke my hand three times.

Can you right with your left hand?

I know your right handed.

Can you write with the left?

He's not talking about writing, bud.

- I know, but I'm just, I'm, I'm just saying.

I can, I am ambidextrous.

All right.

Write, write your name.

I will, give me a piece of paper.

- What about you Ricky?

I didn't know this.

Hey, what do you need now?

He's gonna write with his left hand.

I can write exactly.

What do you think the communication

from Apollo 13 was, Julian?

What do I think it was?

Yeah.

Them fucking talking and saying

how the fuck's going down there.

With my left hand.

- That's pretty good. - All right.

That's really good.

- Did you know, yo wanna know a fact about-

- Fill in the blank.

Houston-

- We have a problem.

- Wrong.

No?

Astros.

- Houston, we've had a problem.

I didn't know that.

I always thought it was "Houston, we have a problem."

- Houston, we've had a problem?

This isn't what he says in the fucking movie, is it?

I don't know, it's what they say in the movie, I think.

- Houston, we've had a problem.

See this book? Sometimes fucking is right.

That's so fucking shabby, huh?

Not too shabby.

You wanna know something crazy though?

- Look at there though.

- JFK, he could write his name.

He could write, and I mean, like, you know,

old style writing, he could write his name with this hand.

He could write his name with this hand,

backwards and upside down at the same time.

- Bullshit man.

Google it.

JFK, he had the craziest control of both sides of his brain.

He could write this one forward and normal.

This one upside down and backwards simultaneously.

It's like on the-

- Try that.

- Did he, did he use it?

That ability all the time? Or what?

- He was good with his fingers.

That's all I know.

Yeah, he, he banged-

- That's pretty good boys, you gotta admit.

That is fucking not bad.

- You did that with your left hand, bullshit.

It's on camera.

That's pretty good, Ricky.

That's better than what you-

- Maybe I am left handed.

- You are Ricky.

You can write better with your left hand.

- Right? Do that with right now.

Do it with your right hand.

Holy fuck, Ricky.

Fuck, am I left handed?

- Ricky.

And he shoot right.

I'm ready to try shooting left.

- Ricky.

Are you kidding me? Your whole life?

Maybe that's what the fuck's been wrong.

Well, that's, that's probably one of the problems.

I golf left, I shoot left

and I could be left fucking handed.

That's why my writing you can't read, right?

Oh my Jesus.

But the drawing-

- For, 40 odd years to figure it.

In early grade something the teacher said,

"Okay, take out your pencils in your right hand

and write your name."

No man, they didn't say that.

Well, the right hand that they used to write with.

She meant your proper hand that you're supposed to.

- Fucking Jesus.

Ricky, you're pretty good.

You're got pretty nice handwriting.

- Nice.

That fucking ruined my life.

See, look what happens in the bubble.

You what?

You've ruined, you've ruined your life?

- Yeah.

Now that didn't, that didn't ruin

your fucking life.

Julian, he is right.

Might have taken a completely different trajectory

had he known that.

'Cause he might have-

- Do you know how long it tried to take me

to do homework with my fucking right hand?

Fuck man, okay.

- And you know what? - I should have known-

- There's lesson for you.

When I broke my hand the first time and I went lefty,

it just seemed more natural.

And you never thought to explore

that notion a little more?

No, I just thought it was

'cause it was something different.

Here you go, Buzz.

The usual.

Enjoy these.

You're amazing.

- Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Rusty Thelonius Diggins,

and this is me first meet Peter P Quass.

Any of you mother buckers move and I'll execute

every last one of you.

Peter, get the meat in the kitchen.

All right, Buzzy nuts.

Meat in the bag or two fingers in the stinker.

I think I did good, Rusty.

I got a lot of the tubular meats.

- Tubular meats.

Nice work, Peter.

Back to the ship, my little Turkey.

Thank you all for your cooperation, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to leave you with this little present.

Who's winning a pitfall?

I just, fuck I'm pumped.

Five more minutes, boys.

Rambo Marathon.

Well, Ricky-

- What?

Don't get too excited about Rambo.

We don't need to watch it today.

I haven't seen it in forever, man.

We don't need to watch it.

It's a marathon.

I know it's a marathon, Julian, but I mean,

I can get it on video.

We can watch it another time.

It's not the same Bubbs.

It's on TV, man.

Oh, so you like it with the commercials in it?

Well it gives you breaks so you can fucking smoke

and get food and stuff.

Rambo or Predator? Who'd win?

- Rambo.

Rambo or Rocky.

Boys?

He'd kick the fuck outta Rocky.

Rambo couldn't fight Rocky.

It's the same fucking per-

Somebody order a pizza?

No.

Just for fuck sakes.

- What?

Nothing just play your game.

Thought you could jump-

- Hey, Bubbles.

Dude, you're fucking early.

I'm not early, I'm right on time.

- I didn't get to tell them yet.

Damn it.

They're gonna, just come in.

Today's a special day.

It's Mr. Lahey's birthday and Randy wanted to watch DVD

that we made when all five of us were at the Red Rocks

and on the stage there.

But Randy gets really sad about it.

Understandably.

Makes me sad too but I-

- Fuck off.

- I forgot to tell the boys that I invited him.

I gotta talk to you about something.

He just got killed because of you.

- Thanks, Bubbs.

- Oh, it's not my fault.

Look, come with me for one second.

I just want to talk to you.

No, no, no.

What the fuck?

Get the fuck outta my fucking trailer.

No cameras.

No cameras in the trailer.

- Ricky?

- No, fuck you.

What the fuck are you doing here?

I don't think so.

Get out.

- Ricky.

Ricky, just-

Randy, just-

- Turn off the fucking camera right now,

you fucking asshole.

Ricky, listen to me.

Just calm down, okay?

He's not fucking watching Rambo with us

and there's no cameras watching Rambo.

Fuck that.

We're not watching Rambo, are we?

No, listen.

Yes, we're watching Rambo.

Boys, huddle up, Ricky.

Huddle up?

What the fuck is going on here?

- Well, look, it's Mr. - Lahey's birthday today

and Randy wanted to watch the video from Red Rocks and-

- Well go watch it.

No, I told him he could watch it here

'cause he doesn't wanna watch it by himself

and I said he could watch it with his buddies.

Okay, six hours.

We'll do it in six hours then.

We're doing it now.

Look, boys, he's got a nice cake.

And he's got-

- I got cheeseburgers. I got chips, I got some,

some good hash and some-

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You've got hash.

Yeah, I get six pre-roll joints.

There you go, Ricky.

It's real good actually.

There you go.

And he's got a bottle of liquor.

Homemade cake too.

I can't believe we're gonna miss fucking first blood.

This is bullshit.

Boys, go relax.

You could stay until the six pre-roll joints are gone.

Give me those goddamn burgers.

What else you got?

Give me those chips.

Fuck's sake.

Randy, go, I'll take the blooms.

- Okay. - You go set the cake.

And did you bring the DVD?

- I do.

It's right here under my arm, Bubbs.

Randy, why would you carry it in your arm pit?

I had a lot of stuff for the party.

First blood's the best fucking one.

It's the best one, Bubbs.

- Julian and Ricky, they can be jerks sometimes,

but Bubbles, he's really nice.

I mean, I brought a cake here and some chips

and cheeseburgers and a little bit of liquor and hash,

so, so it should be okay.

I'm hoping.

Don't be fucking calling us jerks.

I heard that you piece of shit.

You fucking smell like a rhinoceros' cunt?

The only reason you're here is 'cause you have hash.

I'll put the DVD in, boys.

It's like you're kissing the joint, Julian.

Fuck off, Rand.

No, goes to Ricky.

What the fuck are you looking at?

Fuck off.

Great times, Bubbs.

Great times, buddy.

Can't believe you fucking bring the camera dicks.

I was looking so forward to this night.

Now it's fucking ruined.

This video's gonna be fun to watch, guys.

- Here, look out Randy.

Do you smell that?

Is that you?

That's him.

Go fucking shower before you start this.

You do have an awful hum coming off you, Randy.

I invited you over, I vouched for you, fuck's sake.

You think you could have hose yourself down.

So it's a bit dicey right now, but I mean,

he brought the open liquor and he's our buddy,

so I think it's gonna be fine.

Did you slobber this fucking joint, Randy?

- Play.

You don't remember this, Ricky?

Where is it?

Red Rocks.

Where's that though?

Red Rocks Colorado.

I've been to Colorado.

For the avalanche.

- I've been to Colorado.

I remember that day, the fucking great, great dope.

Remember how much shit they gave-

- Oh, that's where Red Rock is.

So yes, you were there.

Wow.

- You think it's up for argument?

You're on the fucking screen.

Oh, you fuck my.

I know Bubbs, what your talking about?

- I can feel it, Ricky.

I am fucking pumped up.

All right.

Very pumped up.

Got some clean clothes, big bag of American weed in.

And I found my fucking sunglasses that have been missing.

Love these fucking things.

- Ricky?

- What?

How can you even see anything outta those, man?

What you talking about?

You got like chicken grease all over the, or something.

Oh, really?

- Smudgy things.

Oh yeah.

- Just, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What glasses are those, Ricky?

My favorite sunglasses.

Oh fuck, where, um?

- What?

Yeah, okay.

- Am I missing something here or what?

No, just, no, that's fine.

Just don't lick them anymore.

The fuck is wrong with you? You okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine, Ricky.

Jesus, Murphy.

- All right, here we go.

I need a fucking drink, I know that.

Get a drink.

Get yourself drink.

Hey.

- All right, just don't do that on public man.

Holy fucking Red Rocks.

Look at this.

How the fuck you guys do it anyway?

That's a fucking roar, man.

This is gonna blow me away.

This place is crazy.

Yeah, I'm a little freaked out right now.

- Yeah, this is fucking badass.

I'm not, I'm hard as a rock.

Like everybody's played there.

All the big people, the Beatles.

Jimmy Hendrix.

No way.

- I worked hard.

I put together a crazy fucking show tonight.

Well, yeah?

- I serve, boys.

What are you thinking?

I've got fucking, it's gonna be a cavalcade, Ricky.

Cavalcade of games and music

and just all around fucking fun.

We're gonna have fun tonight.

And listen.

- What?

Don't freak out.

But because we're here and we got the big giant screen,

I brought one of the camera guys

from the Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

No, you fucking didn't.

- I did.

Which one?

Not that little fucker.

Yeah, the cute little guy.

Oh, fuck.

Horrible little fellow.

He's a fucking idiot.

Oh, chipper, where's he at?

Get him out here.

Oh, yeah, this guy.

Here we go.

Look, we're on the screen.

Tell you right now, bud.

You better stay the fuck outta my way.

And you better stop smoking my fucking dope.

- What?

Okay.

This guy's the highest camera man

on planet earth right here.

What? What are you saying?

You don't smoke dope while you work?

You fucking kidding me?

- Okay.

- Danny threw that picture of him up there.

- He doesn't smoke dope at work.

All day, all night.

That's what he looks like.

That's him at the Sunnyvale Trailer Park

baked out of his goddamn mind.

Oh, fucking Bubbs, I don't know if I can do this.

I don't.

Ricky, just look.

Relax.

- Seriously, just, you're gonna have to leave for a minute.

Let me get used to this.

You can come back in a fucking little bit.

- Ricky, Ricky.

- Fuck.

Ricky, I know you hate the camera fellas being around,

but he's here, so deal with it.

- Anyway, stop making fun of me.

I'm here to have a fucking good time tonight.

I wanna get wasted.

I wanna get baked.

- Good.

We're gonna have a fucking good time.

We're gonna have the best time.

What do you plan?

I laid everything out, boys.

As long as you read the scripts, everything's gonna go

just like fucking clockwork.

That script's for tonight?

What the fuck is that?

Wait, what is that?

- Fuck.

Turn the fucking music off.

What is that?

Here we go.

Wow, I look good.

- Jesus Murphy.

♪ Jitterbug

♪ Jitterbug

♪ Jitterbug

Randy, don't shit yourself.

You're gonna squeeze something outta there.

George Michael.

♪ Jitterbug into my brain

♪ But something's bugging me

♪ Something ain't right

♪ My best friend told me

♪ What you did last night

I'm telling you.

Oh, it's too late.

He's drinking the liquor.

♪ Take me dancing tonight

♪ I wanna hit that high

You look great.

Yeah, he's pretty fucking happy.

I might say he was pretty happy to be there.

Woo, my name is Jim Lahey.

I'm the supervisor of Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

And I am drunk.

Hi, I'm Randy Bobandy and I am the cheeseburger.

- Welcome to the Northern Event Randy and Lahey comedy hour

with our special opening act

No, no, no.

Opening act?

What the fuck are you talking about?

This is our show.

Bullshit, Julie.

Bullshit nothing.

Nice little drinking pool.

You want a shot of this?

Get you're fucking liquor away from me.

This is our fucking show.

We're on the poster.

Everybody came to see Randy and I here, didn't you?

- What?

This is our fucking show.

You were supposed to be here an hour ago.

You didn't show up.

So get the fuck off the stage.

Why? We're not leaving.

This is-

- What about me?

We're on the poster for freak sake.

What, what poster are you talking about?

Danny, bring up the poster if you got it back.

There it is.

That's our poster.

- No, it isn't.

That's our fucking poster.

No, no, no, look.

We are strategically placed right below Julian's jewels.

You photoshopped yourself on our fucking poster.

Everybody looks down there, right, Mr. Lahey?

You shut the fuck up.

That's why they call you Jules, isn't it, Julian?

- Julian's got big Jules, right, Mr. Lahey?

- He's gotta go.

You gotta go.

I got a contract in the fucking dressing room.

And I can tell you right now, this is our fucking gig.

So fuck off.

I got lots of games planned.

We're gonna play pin the cock on the donkey.

Good, I'll be right back, Randy.

Lots of good looking guys.

I can see-

- You're getting the fuck outta here, now.

I can't get you off the fucking stage.

Let me fricking go.

You fucking want one, Randy?

- Ricky, you freak off.

You started this feud between us.

Back the freak off.

I can't be anywhere near you right now

or I'm gonna fucking kill you

for what you've done to me lately.

- This is your Christmas present Mr. Lahey.

You're gonna love it.

- Am I?

Yeah, you're gonna love every single bit of this.

Have a seat, have a seat.

Yeah, all right.

Just relax.

- Okay.

Candies.

Oh my God.

- I haven't had a drink all day.

- What?

I haven't had a goddamn drink all day,

'cause I wanted to be sober so I could tell you

how much I really love you.

This one almost looks like a banana.

Didn't you hear what I said?

What'd you say?

I love you, Randy.

Thanks Mr. Lahey.

That's it?

Just thanks Mr. Lahey?

Well appreciate all this, these candies

and how nice it is, and being in here.

It's Christmas, it's awesome.

Yeah, it's great.

I think we should need some drinks

and maybe have some banana bread.

And what do you think?

You've got a nice warm fireplace.

This is wicked.

It's kind of anti climactic to be perfectly honest.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

I don't know what I was expecting, but you know,

I haven't had too many good Christmases.

But you know what they say, Randy?

That if you give stuff to people, it makes you feel better.

You got something on your lip Mr. Lahey.

What would that be?

I don't know, a piece of liquor bottle or something?

Liquor.

I think it looked like a bit of a label.

Where's your, you know what?

I think you should open this right now. Mr. Lahey.

Randy, I'm-

- When you see this, all your hopes for Christmas

are gonna be answered.

- Well.

'Cause I made this.

I made this with love for you Mr. Lahey.

I just wanna tell you one thing.

It's been really hard going without liquor today.

Well, you should have some liquor.

I don't have any liquor, Randy.

I, I've decided that I was gonna like,

every time I do liquor stories I get really pissed

and it's embarrassing, really.

But look at this.

What is?

Randy, what is this?

It's your very own liquor tree, Mr Lahey.

A Christmas tree decorated with liquor bottles.

Oh, Randy.

- Yeah.

Wow.

There's all different types.

You could sit, you could have it some for breakfast,

some for lunch, some for supper.

Ho ho, ho.

See?

- For you Randy.

'Cause you've been such a great friend.

Why don't you have the first sip?

All right, see.

That's pretty good stuff.

What is that?

It'd might taste better without the candy.

Ah, here's to Christmas.

But we got some eggnog Mr. Lahey.

It's gonna be great.

It's gonna be great, Randy.

Did I ever tell you that I, I used to play Santa Claus

way back when before I joined the force.

No.

- I did.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

I had a lot of interesting things.

I went to Santa school, you know?

They only taught, really the only thing I learned

at Santa School is, thanks Randy.

You're welcome. Mr. Lahey.

Is, you have to have your hands visible at all times.

Like you're supposed to wear white gloves

and keep your hands visible.

That's fresh.

You don't have to smell it, Randy.

It's fresh.

You smell things to make sure they're okay. Mr. Lahey.

Just because they say they're fresh

doesn't mean they're fresh.

- Randy, I was gonna stay sober so I just have to tell you

if things go off the rail tonight,

'cause I'm expecting a lot of shit

to come down here our Christmas Eve,

as you know, every year we get fucked over.

I want it to be compos mentis.

- What does compos mentis mean?

Compos mentis means composed mentally.

Like it's, it's French or German or,

no, I think it's Latin compos mentis.

It's not.

It's compost is when you put vegetables

and peels in a compost.

Okay, I have a question.

What shouldn't, what shouldn't you put in the compost?

Compost.

Plastic.

And don't put any of your stake bones and stuff.

Why?

Because, 'cause then you get maggots.

You're supposed to put veggies in there, Mr. Lahey.

Really?

Veggie peelings, like corn, husks and stuff like that.

And then you gotta cover it in dirt

or else it won't rock properly.

But that makes, that makes really good compost

for your gardens.

Did you do, that stainless the steel wire, Randy.

- Yeah, I got that, I got that.

Someone was chucking it out and I saved it.

I knew that, I knew I'd find-

- What can use that.

I, you know what?

You could make little, little things.

That'd be cool, Randy.

This is the best.

- I could just, we gonna hook that, the hook on.

Actually, you could probably take a couple of those

and just hook it in your pocket.

Well, I got a good buzz on.

I'm gonna go to the mall.

But not to hang out in the bathroom and get credit cards.

I'm just gonna go look at things.

All right, then we should go talk to Steinberg.

And if that doesn't work, you're going online tonight buddy.

And you're getting this going.

Big money.

Time to do it.

Everybody's fucked up.

Let's start suing.

Katie on the beach.

You gotta get that fucking, the Atari going man.

- No, Katie video, sir.

I got 45 minutes left.

- All right, well I'm fucking doing it myself.

Julian.

Julian.

Chat away.

Julian.

What?

Don't touch the fucking TV.

I need to borrow your card, Julian.

From Luster Common, I got no gas.

I need one of those component cables.

That's what I fucking need.

Mall, Let's go to the mall and get one.

- Yeah.

Fuck off.