Original subtitles

Fuck's wrong with you guys, man?

I don't know, Ricky.

I couldn't fucking get to sleep. Now I'm fucking tired.

- I've been sort of back to normal since fucking Terry left.

Thank God.

- Well, yeah and you've got a heat pop, man.

So it's nice and cool in this fucking place.

- That's right.

I'm fucking pumped. I'm rested boys.

Long weekend coming up.

Yes.

- Another long weekend.

No work on Monday.

Barely keep my fucking eyes open.

Well, have a...

I'm still drunk.

- ...have a nap.

I can't have a nap.

You got a horse lick in your hair.

A what?

A horse lick. Little hair sticking up.

Where? Right here.

A horse...

It's a cow lick, Ricky.

Cow lick.

A what?

It's like a Fred Flintstone.

A cow lick.

- Didn't Fred Flintstone have a thing like a,

No, that was...

- Fred Flintstone never had a fucking cow lick.

The little rascals.

Bernie had a little thing going on.

That little freckled face.

Alfalfa.

- A cow lick or a colic? Or a c-call...? Colic?

Cow lick.

A cow lick, like a cow licked your fucking head.

And his spit made your hair stick up.

Wouldn't a horse do the same thing?

- Yeah, but horse licks not the same, Ricky.

It's a different,

The hair stays down instead of going up.

- Bernie rubble had a cow lick.

He did, that's that's what I was talking about.

And fucking bad little fucker.

- Alfalfa didn't have a cow lick.

He had a, She was sticking straight up.

- That was, now.

- He had it in the back.

I was with gel.

- Do I gotta prove this?

Well, who's am I thinking of

that's in the front? Peewee Herman?

Unicorn.

Fucking space boy or something, Isn't it?

Rocket Boy?

Astro boy. Astro.

Astro boy. He had a little squiggle.

Oh, he had a fucking thing coming up like that.

He looked like a knob.

You wanted it to look like a knob.

I knew that was coming.

Alfalfa. Where was Alfalfa's sprig at?

In the back.

Goes in his back.

Google it. Alfalfa sprig.

That's a good band name. Alfalfa sprig.

Get ready to fucking feel a little runny, my friend.

- Runny.

- Runny.

Runny. What's that mean?

- Fucking runny.

I'm telling you. It's right in the back.

Where is it?

Right in the fucking...

In the back there. Well, whose was at the front?

Oh, Ed Grimley.

I'm thinking of Ed Grimley.

Who the fuck is Ed Grimley?

Ed Grimley.

He had a ca that came down like if I like a vampire,

it didn't stick up.

He's a grandfather guy.

Ed Grimley punching Ed Grimley to your spark box.

He's in a bunch of commercials.

Used to wear overalls.

No, Ricky, that's, that's what's his fucking name?

Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah. I know you.

Ed Grimley. He's, You don't know who Ed Grimley is.

That's, He was a classic character man.

Back in the day. Yes.

Short character on Saturday Night Live.

You're thinking of Edward Brimley.

Oh yes.

Holy fuck.

- Ed Grimley and Ed Brimley. - I never, Is it Ed Brimley?

Wilford Brimley.

Wilford Brimley.

- Fuck.

How the did you get Ed Grimley?

You know what Ricky,

Ricky hated this fucking guy, didn't he?

Ed Grimley?

- Couldn't stand this guy cause he wore his pants so high.

I thought it was a weird character.

But then I found it was just a character.

I thought it was a real guy and I was like,

this guy's fucked.

- Ama. Say remember who you say that Ama say.

Oh God, I got something going on with my elbow.

- What did you do to it?

Well, it's not tennis elbow.

Cause I don't play tennis.

But is.

Is it jacking elbow?

That's what I was wondering.

Is there such a thing?

There's totally such thing as Jack elbow.

Oh wow.

And you got it. You always get in prison too.

- Fuck.

Like how many times do you beat off in prison a day?

Like seriously.

- It depends what's going on. - How much partying we're doing.

- How much partying we're doing?

Okay. So if we're doing more partying with the boys,

you get more excited.

What? Yeah.

What equals more jacking. More partying.

- Or less partying? - No, less partying.

Less partying and equals more jacking.

- Yeah. Cause when you're bored.

Yeah, bored and horny.

So if say your average bored outta your mind day,

how many times are you cranking?

- Is this something we should be talking about?

No, we, I know the answer cause we counted at one time.

What do you think the answer is?

It's not more than three, is it?

Way up there, buddy.

- What?

That's before fucking breakfast.

No.

Yes.

I've never done more than two before breakfast.

You yanked her 27 times in one night.

- That's never happened.

- That's when you woke up to when you fell asleep; 27 times.

- No way. Never done that much.

The boys counted it.

No. He might have attempted it.

Yeah, he couldn't.

No, I think he did.

This is what way back when.

He would probably be dead.

No, I think we were like 21 or something.

Your bag would fall right off your body.

- Well, you did it, man.

You just can't keep up with production.

There would be dust.

- Well.

- Gosh.

You was still yanking her.

That's yeah. After 20 times,

just be like a little puff of something.

- Jesus Christ.

- Dust.

Okay. No, I've never gotten there.

But I do have jacking elbow for sure.

What do you have on your smart box?

Alright. I've been a little stressed out lately, so no.

Looking this up. There's a way of relieving stress.

You gotta scream.

You start screaming every night before you go to bed.

- You think that's news?

Well, yeah.

Yeah, it is news.

Who does that?

John Lennon did it.

He took a whole fucking course in it.

Okay, well over.

- Primal scream.

Check this out. You you walk rolling down the street in,

in Sweden.

This is what you'll hear at like 10 o'clock at night.

Normal. Totally normal.

Can I get a copy of that?

That's a lot of people screaming.

One guy just said fuck.

I don't think that's normal. I think they're just doing...

No, man.

It's like everywhere they do it...

Maybe it's why after you bang, you sleep better.

Because you screaming noise.

You scream when you bang, Ricky?

Sometimes.

- Well, yeah, I suppose I've heard that's,

I've heard you scream again.

We've heard a lot of screaming jail.

They're at a fun house or something.

No, man, this is, fucking

this is university.

They've been doing this since the seventies.

- Well, I know you're stressed, dude, Julian.

And a few days ago when I was doing those mushrooms this,

this guy started talking to me and he said he wants to come

spend some time at your house, try to cheer you up.

What the fucking beaver?

- Bobby Beaver.

What the, shut the fuck

Why would I want that in my fucking house?

- Bobby Beaver.

He'll cheer you up.

How?

He's like a friend.

How does this cheer somebody up?

Slap his tail and you'll find out.

Good to see you too.

Get in here, get in here.

- Ricky!

Hey, Pops.

Oh my fuck boys.

I thought you were dead.

Holy fuck, Ricky, you look like Bob Ross.

What happened to your hair?

Who?

Bob Ross.

Who the fuck is Bob Ross?

- The painter. It doesn't matter. Ricky, are you guys right?

I've been trying to get a hold of you for fucking weeks.

Why do they call him a painter? He must do other shit.

He might just cook. Mean He doesn't call him a cook.

- What? It's, he's just, That's what does Ricky,

he paints pictures.

He's Robs Bob. He's been like this the entire time.

The entire fucking time.

- What's wrong with you, Ricky?

I feel good. It's just, it was weird.

It was weird.

- What's weird?

Just like, Is this real or am I asleep right now?

Are you on drugs, Ricky?

No. He's, he's not on fucking drugs.

That's the problem.

This is real, right?

You guys were in solitary that whole fucking time.

Yes.

Yes. But right now we're not.

Right? That's, This is real.

Oh my God. Ricky, you're losing your fucking mind.

No, no.

I feel good. I feel really good.

My mind's good.

- You're not making any sense though, Ricky.

You don't sound like yourself. You don't look like yourself.

Couple weird things now. Like I've been here.

I hear trees fall in the forest.

Remember they asked that question?

If a tree falls in the forest,

does anybody hear it?

This guy. Sometimes even hear like...

What fucking tree are you talking about?

Sometimes I hear a big tree fall and it fucking,

there's a little bunny rabbit or something and it's looking

up at it. It doesn't.

It doesn't. It's not looking up.

It should been looking up at it. It wasn't.

The tree comes down and guts. It crushed.

I hear that noise.

Which is not a pleasant noise.

Joel, can I talk to you in private?

Put the phone up to your ear for a second.

What in the fuck is going on?

He's lost his fucking mind.

Sometimes when the tree comes down,

it'll crush a new tree.

The new tree's down there just going whimper on.

He's been doing this nonstop man day and fucking night

day and fucking night.

There's no one there to lift the tree off

the little trees.

- You gotta tell him to fucking,

you gotta get him to the infirmary.

What do you think I've been trying to fucking do for

65 fucking days straight?

65 days, all day all fucking night.

Well, I'm gonna go to Steve Rogers and report this.

You gotta get us the fuck out of here.

I'm telling you man,

I'm about to fucking crack.

Okay.

I had to threaten grandma fingers just to get in here.

It's not gonna be good for any of us.

Plants need sunlight, don't they?

Julian?

I had to threaten Grandma fingers

just to get to see you guys.

Okay, well you're gonna have to fucking

take it up a notch then. Get us...

He threatened me and he said, if I'm back in here.

With your problems right now, Okay, I'm sorry.

What's he say about he's nothing. He's don't worry.

He search you, man.

How many fingers does he use?

Ricky? Hey, I don't wanna talk about that.

Hey, hey, that's enough.

He didn't search me today.

Look boys, I'm gonna, I'm going to, I don't know,

but I'm gonna go to the newspapers or whatever because

nobody should be in solitary that long. He's gone crazy.

What? Shame.

What came first? Cause you might know letters or numbers,

right?

- Ricky.

- How do you, how do you answer things like this?

I think it's just every thought that he has,

he's now saying them out of his mouth.

Where normally they would just be inside his head.

- Just sign weird things. - Isn't so many weird names.

- And things just stuck. Ricky,

take a few deep breaths and just try to not listen to the

voice talking in your head.

Electricity. Really?

- What about it?

I know.

Joel, you have to watch over him.

You hear that?

Get us the fuck outta here.

Just, You fucking tell them

he needs to be in the hospital and

monitored 24/7.

He could fucking lop his hand off or something.

I don't care what you have to do.

How much it is gonna cost.

Talk to fuck face and get us outta here.

- I'll go see Steinberg. I promise you.

You're getting outta here.

I promise you okay.

Huh, Bubs.

Wait, I gotta go take him and put him to bed.

No, I'm not.

I have nothing to do with what happens to him.

As soon as we leave here, okay?

It's not real. And it's not real.

Not real. Nothing's real.

Ricky. I knew there's trees falling.

Keep an eye on him.

Blueberries.

I can't handle this man.

Keep an eye on him.

All of the boys.

Oh, the boys.

You guys looking for some free drinks?

Well, they've got lots of liquorments here for you.

Hey, how you doing?

Hey Julian, Julian.

Julian, don't call for fuck's sakes.

You get a chance to say hi to a guy

and he just fucking walks off.

Never mind, that was a little liquor search

that was just subpoenaing.

Here's the thing about alcohol. When you bring it alcohol,

when you do bring an alcohol, that was Julian by the way.

Fucking sexy Julie.

I forget my point.

Oh yeah.

The shit line.

This could be the start of the lecture right now.

Maybe we should go back to both the grain with the liquor

for a sec. Green with liquor is just a diff kind of liquor.

Now sometimes you get two liquors that are exactly identical

in the effect that they have on your penopsis.

But here's the thing.

If you drink a different kind of liquor and you mix it

just right,

you get a whole bunch of insights that you shouldn't shake

about. Nobody would, anybody, and excuse me,

I wanted to show you,

I brought a visual thing because there's certain times that

what you do is if you have a prop,

it abates the point and people get, they get the idea.

If you show 'em, like see this.

Here's the shit line. This is shit line number one.

This one right here.

This is a fucking cig that I have had since January 1st.

January the first I gave up because at smoking,

you know why? Months and months ago.

And guess why?

Cause I'm over 70 fucking years old

and I know where my shit line is.

I'm lucky enough. I got no ball cancer, no bum cancer, no.

Little later, no Dicky daggy.

Nothing in my lungs of the shows for again,

I still got all my teeth even No, Coke is my mix of choice.

However, there is a shit line and one has to,

at one time or another, take care of themself.

I just wanna tell you about this guy and this little true

touch story.

And it was just a little bit away from my house.

And this guy spilled a whole bunch of gasoline on the floor

and he pulled out a vacuum cleaner and he sucked up the

gasoline for the vacuum cleaner.

I didn't get a chance to ask him if he remembered anything

about it, but that was a definite shit line.

There are all kinds of different varieties of shit line

that we all have to bear. Abadence.

Adaya. The liquor is the liquor.

The shit line of the liquor is

don't be around people that you

can offend unless it's Randy. Cause he I, he forgives me.

Don't drive a car. Have no fucking car keys around,

like that kind of shit.

Oh, I'll tell you, here's another shit line.

This is about a young guy,

and this is true just down from us. Come in stole,

little moped stole everybody's shit from the neighborhood.

And the cops, they kept catching them and letting them go.

They kept catch, catching them.

They'd go to was little fucking hoard in the woods.

And there would be fucking big screen TV now fuck

because a little cocksucker

wouldn't even cover this over. Little fucking

17-year-old little shit fucking weasel.

You know, there's nothing fucking worse than a thief.

That's all I'm saying, that you can lie.

Let people, if it's creative, it's okay.

Well, if it doesn't hurt anything,

but there's a whole bunch of rules in that. But this guy,

this guy was a little con chef.

Bad. I'll tell you, he crossed the shit line.

You know why? Because about a week after he turned 18,

the cops asked him to drop down police station for a

repeating matter. Guess what?

He's fucking behind bars right now.

He's gonna be for a while

cause they saved all that shit up and

they gave it to him as an adult. There you go.

Okay,

so we're just gonna have one more little sip and which is

good toast to the whole new world and,

and let's not be small about it. Let's not be small.

Let us include everybody,

including in the South Institute of these.

Let's include the four countries in Africa,

where millions of people are gonna be starvation to death.

Let's include the Ukrainians who still fighting for their

home. Let's include everybody.

The North Koreans who don't know shit

because they live in a fucking

dictatorship with that Joe Kim Mill

high guy with a hair.

Remember you had that haircut? All the guys are on the dope.

Cool having one of the Joe Aly Kiki fuckers.

Anyway, that's, that's a different time for a different day.

We'll talk about it some other time. But in the meantime.

Ricky get in a fucking a better mood, would you?

Why? Just can't,

Please swear it's making us go to this cooking show, man.

And I hate cooking shows.

Probably makes some stupid chocolate salmon goddamn thing.

That nobody's gonna fucking like.

This isn't like a normal cooking show though, Ricky

These guys, they cook great big crazy fucking things.

Whole like. They'll make a fucking lasagna in a dishwasher.

- What?

I asked them to make me a cheeseburger,

an epic cheeseburger.

- You shut the fuck up.

Shut up. Randy.

- Are you excited, Bubs?

- Yes. I'm very excited.

- I'm glad somebody is.

Los Angeles. We're in Los Angeles,

California right now.

Monkey Tires up there,

zooming along in a fancy car.

Boys are here.

Randy's not smelling very good in the heat.

But other than that, I'm excited.

Okay, boys, this is it.

Well, I hope to fuck this is okay.

- Well, you know, don't act like a fucking dick.

Okay? These guys are supposed to be good guys, man.

Well, they're good guys.

I'll be a good guy. We'll just see, won't we?

They're giving us free fucking booze.

Don't be a fucking dick.

Well, maybe they have smoke.

Maybe they don't. Maybe they're.

Maybe they most likely has smoke.

Everybody smokes dobo here.

Well, let's fucking go in.

I'm sick of sitting here.

- We'll be back in a bit, Randy.

No, I'm coming in, guys.

The fuck you are.

Let him come in.

Wow, they have grass here.

Of course they, why wouldn't they fucking have grass here?

- Well, it's just far away from where we live.

I didn't know if they have all the same stuff.

Ricky, let me out, man.

The fuck are these big things? Is that an apple?

It's a lime.

It's not a line. Look at it.

It's a lime tree.

Let's, will you shut up in there, Randy,

- Just have a nap or something. How does this thing work?

Oh fuck. I gotta,

so I'm supposed to carry this fucking thing around all day.

Just for a little bit, bud.

Oh, shouldn't you?

You're the camera fella.

I don't want to carry this fucking thing around.

- Let's go do this guys.

Ow, fuck.

Frigging truck.

- Let's go eat. You got a leaf on your gut?

- What the fuck leaves?

- I hope we're not just intruding into somebody's home here.

I don't see any roaches, boys, just cigarettes.

Don't worry about it.

Fucking better.

Let's just, we just walk in.

Just do a little knockeepoo.

Got some nice fancy shoes on there, Randy.

I know. This is the house, isn't it?

- Why do they call it the birds and the bees?

I mean, I get the birds.

We have birds, but I've never called the other part of.

That's a good question cause birds and bees don't do it.

- Yeah.

- Where does that look that up?

The birds.

And where does the term birds and bees come from?

- Okay.

This, today's just all about Google.

- Does birds and bees come from.

We're changing the.

A lot of people are asking this question

if it just pops up, right?

- We're changing that expression.

Okay. So to explain the mechanics of reproduction

to younger children relying on

the imagery of bees pollinating

and eggs hatching to substitute for more technical

explanations of sexual fucking intercourse.

Bees pollinating.

- Yeah.

What the fuck are you talking about?

- The birds hatching? - That's a terrible analogy.

- That was horrible man.

- That's what it, where it comes a here, Ricky.

I never even made the connection.

How is a little kid going to?

I'm, Yeah.

There's a lot of reading involved here.

Just let me think about this for a second.

Basically, you're like,

so do I shove my bird and a bee? Or what do I do here?

Do I rub my wiener on a flower? What goes on here?

Whoa. This is even a worse one.

I, Yeah, no, this is fucked.

Let's go for a more modern fucking.

I thought maybe the the bee is like,

because he's using a stinger to get some something going.

Like sting the bird or.

Sting the bird.

He doesn't sting, sting the bird though, Ricky.

That's a weird fucking analogy.

Okay. The mechanics.

Good consequences of sexual intercourse through reference to

easily observed natural events.

A bee carries and deposits the pollen on a flower, right?

- With his bird?

Well, he's got a stinger,

which is kind of like a somebody's dick.

He doesn't even use a stinger for that. Does he?

Don't know. Don't think so.

But his is going in. No, I don't.

I don't fucking know.

Male fertilization. Of example,

Birds lay eggs in a similar visible fucking way.

And this is fucked.

Then it goes into female ovulation.

And give us a simple fucking explanation.

- I'm officially banning that expression.

Yeah, don't say.

- Okay, we don't say it anymore.

Nope. What's the new term for birds and the bees, Ricky?

I don't know. I need to smoke a joint.

Then it'll come to me.

You can keep birds.

- Birds and the.

- Birds and places you put them.

- Birds and caves. Birds fly into the caves.

They go in they.

Birds and nests.

Birds and a nest.

Birds. And.

Sometimes it's not nest though, cause they shave.

All right, Urban dictionary.

This is might have it.

Oh yeah. Cause that's such a reliable

source of information.

Is it? Or isn't it?

No.

Oh, just any, Everybody's.

- Got the same stupid explanation of it, man.

We're banning it. It's done.

We're gonna change it. You don't have a new saying.

Here. It's a natural thing and not a dumb by damnation.

What the fuck?

- Your urban dictionary, any fucking whack job

with a computer can put up a definition

on the urban dictionary.

Me? Could I?

Yes.

I'm gonna start.

I think you should, Ricky,

we will get you a profile and you can start putting up the

meanings of words.

What's the most fucked up word you can think of,

Ricky? That you always wondered what it meant.

I don't know. I don't know big words.

What's the biggest one you know?

Can you think of one?

Mm.

- Deoxyribonucleic Acid.

Is that a word?

Yes. What is it?

Don't know.

RNA, isn't it DNA. RNA. DNA.

What is it? DNA.

DNA. What's that stand for?

Deoxyribonucleic acid.

That's a big word I know.

Is that it?

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

- I know. Okay.

There's a word.

That's the biggest one I know.

Okay. That's the biggest word Ricky knows.

Second biggest word would be probably dictionary.