Original subtitles

The following program contains really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking,

and sexual infor-for-lenses.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls, please press

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- Ricky.

Come on.

Let's go.

We gotta, Bubbles is bitchin' at me here.

Let's go, come on.

He's talking in Morse code.

What do you got goin' on here now?

It's Whaley.

Oh, fuck.

- See, most people will fuckin'-

- Every fuckin' week.

Snuggle up with a stuffed animal.

He uses a whale. This thing.

And this thing weighs about 20 pounds, man.

Every fuckin' week.

Oh, fuck.

There. It's a killer whale.

20 pounds?

Just joking, man.

That's not 20 pounds.

- Are we still drunk, or? - I was fuckin' joking.

Here. Face me.

Yeah, you'd like to do that,

wouldn't you?

Are we still drunk or hung over now?

We're a bit of both, man.

I'm just antsy today.

I can't fuckin' handle sittin' down.

Oh, fuck.

I want to do get up and do something.

I hate...

- Yeah! I see that. - Fuck.

Pumpin' iron with my fuckin'...

It's fuckin' sore now.

- Come on, Rick. - What's wrong?

- We're already,

the fuckin' show's already five minutes gone.

Fuck, I hate passin' out in a chair.

Yeah. You gotta stop doing that shit, man.

Why is Whaley here?

'Cause I brought him over.

Do you want to ask him any questions?

- Ask him some questions. - Does he ta, does he talk?

He does if you have the right buzz on.

How many fuckin' Big Macs can you eat

in a day, Whaley?

200.

Oh, what is it?

Ricky, he could eat 200 Big Macs in one bite.

- It's like 40,000 or something?

Remember, we learned that in school,

way back, long time ago.

- We never learned that in fuckin' school.

- How many Big Macs- - How many Big Macs

- a fuckin' orca could- - could a...

Yeah, orca.

Well, look it up.

It's like 40,000.

Fuck.

We used to tease Randy about it.

What the fuck is going?

It used to be all over the place,

back when you were a kid.

The fuck, 'member the big picture,

of the Big Macs and the killer whale, big plate?

What?

- You can't, it's nowhere on the internet.

I don't think you, I think

you're hallucinatin'. - How many Big Macs can

a killer whale eat?

It used to be in a, like.

No, no, that's...

- Biology or something.

That was never in...

It was one of those things

that m, you can't save too fast.

How many Big Macs could a killer whale eat

if a killer whale could eat Big Macs?

No Ricky, that-

- But that's, that, no.

That was wood chuck

- and fuckin' wood. - Oh, fuck yeah,

- no, that was something. - How many wood can a wood,

you know what I'm saying.

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck

if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Wood chuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck

wood chuck could chuck wood.

Okay, that's a good one.

Nailed it.

I thought that,

didn't we change it in junior high to how mu,

how many ff-chucks would a wood chuck fuck

if a wood chuck could fuck

- chucks? - Chucks?

Nah, it got changed to

- how many could a cocks, yeah. - How many cocks could a

wood chuck suck if a wood chuck could suck cocks?

Yeah, that's what it was.

Here's a fact, boys.

Listen to this.

Starting off with a pretty good one.

All right. It better be,

'cause I don't like these- What is it?

- Fuckin' facts usually. - If the population

of China began walking

past you in a single file-

- That's. - The line would never end,

because of the rate of reproduction.

So they're banging.

Lemme see that?

And giving kids.

So they bang while they're in line?

If the population of China started walking

past you in a single-file line,

they would never- It would never end.

Get to the end because the rate of reproduction,

they're, they're having kids faster

than the line of...

- Aren't you allowed to only have like two kids

or something over in China? It's, it's a-

- But still when you've got.

- it's f, but there's a lot of people banging.

- Well, you've got- - and they're having a-

- a couple billion people. - They're having

- the two kids, all right? - Eugh.

- Couple billion people having two kids.

Look the fuck out.

I thought they had a law

you weren't allowed to have more than one kid.

Well, even still,

I think that still applies.

That's a good fact for the day right there.

See me contributin'.

- Yeah. - Maybe this is still

putting on the old jimmy hats.

Remember they used to call those things jimmy hats?

Back in the 90s? The 80s, 90s?

- Yeah, jimmy hats. - That's 'cause Jimmy invite-

- Jimmy hat. - Invent, invented them.

No.

Oh, fuck, that reminds me.

So, remember that dude?

What's his name?

I'll look, I'll look at him here in a sec.

The dude, his name is.

Patrick Swayze?

No, you were talking about him nonstop last year.

He was like your fuckin' hero.

Uh, Roberto Caberera?

Remember that guy?

I wasn't talkin' about about Roberto...

What the fuck?

You were talking about, the little Mexican dude.

Never heard of him.

You're fuckin' lying to me.

- No. - - Who is he?

Okay. The guy with the 19-inch wang.

Oh yeah.

- He tried to do the. - He was full of shit.

He was full of shit, man!

- Yep. - Did you hear about that?

- No. - Yeah, we talked about that.

Oh, he had this, his wang all bandaged up, right?

He's like, no, I can't, you can't take it outta the bandage.

They said fuck, we're gonna scan this motherfucker.

They scanned it.

No wiener in there.

- He had six inch wiener. - - It was a w, yeah.

- You know what, but the fucked thing about it,

the foreskin

went down to his fuckin' knee.

- Well then does he have... - So it was like a,

it was like an upside down parachute.

That's what it was like. - Okay.

So, then technically he does have a 19-inch wiener.

I knew you'd stick up for Roberto, man.

- I knew it. - I'm not sticking

- up for him. - 'Cause you would.

I'm talking about your science of it.

You're sticking up for him.

- So he was taking his foreskin

and stretching it until he got

down to his knee? - He was stretching it.

Well, then.

- Doesn't Randy do that? - Yeah.

But, didn't somebody say they'd seen him

- stretch it a little? - No, he does that

- with his balls. - He tries to stretch

- his whole bird. - - Oh, his balls.

- His balls. - He's got a d-

I don't wanna think about it, man.

- Is that why his balls

- hang down to his knee? - And he, and he grips them

from the back.

Which is weird. - What?

- Yeah. - This, you saw him do this?

I saw him doin' it out in the field.

Jesus, man.

Jesus Christ.

That sounds fucked.

I don't know what he was doing.

- Well, look who it is.

How'd it go, man?

- It was fucked.

That's how it go'd.

I need a fuckin' joint right now.

- Hey Rick, it's solitary, it's not supposed to be fun, man.

What are you looking for?

- Whaddya mean it's not supposed to be fun?

We got fuckin' rights!

We're not animals, for fuck's sakes.

What are you looking for?

- Where's all the hash?

You been gone for a week, it's all gone, man.

What do you mean it's all gone?

People are fuckin' losing it, they want,

Ricky, that's not behind there.

Julian. I need to get smoke in these fuckin' lungs, man.

I'm losing it. It's been a week!

Is there a brush in here at least?

- Razor? - A brush?

Look at me. Look at me!

Your hair is fucked, man.

Here, sit down and relax.

You're bein' a dick right now.

- Tell you what we're gonna do.

Just fuckin' settle down.

Been thinking 'bout this for three days.

We're starting a fuckin' riot.

You're gonna start a riot.

Yeah. We're gonna send a message,

and tell everyone who's fuckin' boss

in this place.

Can't lock us up like that, man.

We got fuckin' rights.

You should be able to get high and drunk,

and we can shave and fix our hair in solitary, man.

- It's, it's a great idea, man.

Let's, we should riot.

You know, we got nothing better to do.

You got a grandchild coming.

You, he'll understand what he one when he sees you.

Right on, Julian.

- Yeah. - You know what?

I thought you were gonna be totally against this, man.

Fuckin' wicked!

Aw, yes.

Start a little fire, that'll get things going.

Get everybody else into this.

This is gonna be fuckin' awesome.

Boys! Boys.

- Tell 'em who's fuckin' boss again, right?

- Check it out.

Can't feed me a fuckin' mayonnaise sandwich,

I tell you that. - Ricky, Ricky.

Ricky, calm down. Listen, boys.

I'm on the list.

- Right on, Bubs, you're just in time, buddy.

- No way. - Holy fuck!

What are you doing? - Get ready, everybody.

We're starting a fuckin' riot!

- No, we're not! No, we're not.

What the hell is

- going on in there? - Ricky!

Gimme the fuckin' lighter.

- Bubbles, listen to me.

Listen to me right now.

- Okay, boys. - We have fuckin' rights.

- Don't you fuckin'. - They can't treat me like

a fuckin' sheep. - Ricky!

- Or a whale dog, or a fuckin',

I'm not an animal!

Are you out of your fuckin' mind?

Did you not hear what I just said?

- What?

- I'm a candidate on the early release program.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm gonna fuckin' maybe get released early.

I gotta go in and meet the board.

You think they're gonna fuckin' like it

if I'm in here hanging out with people

that are lighting fires, starting prison riots?

Listen to me, Bubs.

I was in there too long, man.

And they treat you like shit in there, now!

And feed you shitty food.

And fuckin', in the dark.

Leaving you alone. Water.

Ricky.

- Ricky. Ricky. - Fuckin' mayonnaise

sandwiches with- I'll look after him.

- Peanut butter. - - All right.

Fuck off, Larry. Guess what?

Next time you need hash,

guess what you're gonna get from me?

Two of these, fuck face!

- What the fuck- - Ricky.

Did you say?

Just a little fire, Bubs. Then you can go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ricky, oh, how many fuckin' lighters do you have?

Not bad, guys.

- Bubs. Go to your cell.

Stay away from him.

Relax. Don't do anything stupid.

Ricky, go to your fuckin' cell, have a cigarette,

chill the fuck out.

- Boys. I can't. - Just...

I'm afraid to be alone right now,

with just me and my brain,

especially straight.

Bubs, can I hang out with you for a bit, man?

Yes, you can hang out with me.

But no dope, and no fuckin' fires.

- Hurry, get the fuck in there.

Go to your cell. Chill the fuck out.

Come on, Ricky.

Come on.

You'll be okay, man.

- Let's get high, Bubs.

Bubs, don't get high with him.

I've been reading a lot of psychology books in here,

and most of the stuff I understand

and it's pretty cool stuff.

You know, I even tried doing reverse psychology on Ricky.

But one thing that these books don't teach you,

you can't do reverse psychology

on really, really stupid people.

Oh, you fuck off.

Shut up! Fuck!

Fuck, Bubs. Thank fuck, man.

- Ricky! - I am fuckin' losing it.

What are you doing?

I thought we were going to your cell.

Those were my crunch-its. What are you doing?

Real food.

Ricky, look at this.

You got fuckin' weed crumbs everywhere.

Get the crumbs off Benatar.

- Fuck, she's hot, Bubs.

Can I borrow this for like, 30 seconds, man?

- No, you can't.

I sign that out.

You can't borrow that.

We gotta get this.

Look, I'm on the fuckin' list

for early release.

Now my cell's covered in fuckin' weed and hash crumbs.

- I'll clean it up. I just gotta talk to you.

Something bad is going on

up in here.

Something is fucked.

Something's not right.

I think I'm,

I might be dying, or.

- What? - Or going crazy, man.

What are you talking about, dude,

you got lump or something?

It was alone too long. Bubbles.

I was alone too long.

It was dark.

And I was alone.

There was no good food,

and this thing up here started talking to me

all by its own.

- What did? - Showin' me things.

What did?

Showed me pictures, showed me fuckin' TV shows.

I watched every of "The Littlest Hobo",

up in here.

Just close your eyes and boom, there it is.

You're watching stuff,

or things that happen to me already.

They're back up in there, going through there.

What are you talking

about, Ricky? Just... - Old cars, old chicks.

Like all this stuff, just going, and going,

and going and going, man.

Ricky, you're just,

you mean you're remembering things and you're,

you're thinking, that's all that's going on.

You're thinking and you're having memories.

Is that all?

What are you talking about?

Well, do you mean like,

you close your eyes and you can picture

"The Littlest Hobo" on the TV?

Yeah, I mean, not the whole show,

but most of the whole show.

It's just there, but in here.

- Well Ricky, you're just remembering things.

You're just prob, you know what it is?

You didn't have any fuckin' dope for a week.

When's the last time you didn't have dope for a week?

I don't know if I've ever not had dope.

What do you mean?

Well, that's exactly right.

You're off the fuckin' dope,

and your brain is starting to work.

Okay, well explain this one.

Then at night,

when I think maybe I'm asleep,

or I'm not asleep,

you can't even fuckin' tell.

It was just fucked.

I, I, I was with dinosaurs one night,

another night I'm fuckin' getting the shit kicked out of me.

Wasn't real, woke up fine.

And guns, crazy shit.

You're dreaming.

Squirrels nibbling at me.

You're dreaming.

Those are called dreams.

No, no. They were

- like movies, Bubbles. - Which...

Movies going off in there.

I know, Ricky, but you're just dreaming.

Most people have them every night.

You're probably so fuckin' numb

from the dope all the time,

the thing hasn't been firing.

That's totally normal,

if that's all your problem is.

What the fuck are you talking about?

It's, so I don't need to go to a loony bin?

No, Ricky, you're just,

your fuckin' brain just came to life.

That's all. You're just thinking and remembering.

- Holy fuck. 'Cause the old man used to say,

"Ricky, if anything comes in there, get it out.

Shut it down."

That's, yeah, that's great advice right there.

He said I wouldn't be good at school

unless I shut everything out.

- Holy fuck, Bubs. - Oh my god, if that's

the advice you've been going on for fuckin',

you'll be okay, man.

- This is fuckin' awesome news.

I thought I was gonna not get to see my grandchild.

Fuck, man.

Ricky, could you fuckin' ruin things anymore?

Look, you got,

I'm gonna be sleeping in crunch-its and weed now.

Love you, buddy.

I'll be back in a minute.

No, ey! No.

Ricky Brown wants everybody at home,

Ricky Brown wants everybody at home to hold on

to he, with him.

Ricky Brown has a problem.

And that problem is called holy defense.

Ricky Brown wants you to defend yourself,

to defend yourself from the abuses of, of, of, of, of, of,

oh, uh, uh, what's that word I'm looking for?

Of uh, uh, when you uh,

the abuses of, uh, temptation.

Ricky Brown wants you to hold on

away from temptation.

The theme of today is temptation.

And when temptation comes and gets in your face,

Ricky Brown wants you to know

that you can have the power of the Almighty God

within your hand.

Ricky Brown wants you to take that prayer

just like David took that tiny stone,

and Ricky Brown wants you to

take the tiny stone and wrap that shit up

in your hand.

And Ricky Brown wants you to take the,

the power of the Holy Spirit in your baby finger,

and curl that shit up.

Ricky Brown wants you to take the Holy, uh Mother,

and curl that shit up, and the ghost,

and curl the middle finger up and,

and the power of th, the son,

and curl that shit up,

and the power of you,

and you curl that with the thumb,

and the whole power of God,

the, ball up your fist

and haul that shit back,

and follow through with the elbow.

And I want everybody at home to follow through

with the elbow.

And when you feeling bad, when you feeling blue,

when you feeling like you temptated.

When you feel like, "Man,

I wanna get into my neighbor's, uh, uh, spouse."

Or maybe I want to, uh, take this car

because it looks like it should be mine.

I want you to haul back,

and I want you to follow through

with the elbow just like that.

And following through with the elbow,

and knock that temptation back to where it is.

Now, everybody.

I want people at home.

I want y'all to put your, if you're feeling it now,

to take your hands to put it upon the screen

with Ricky Brown.

I want y'all to put your hands on the screen,

and put your hands up, the mind

and feel the power of God coming through you

and come through me, Ricky Brown.

I wants y'all to join hands at home,

and put our palms together.

And they should call this shit Palms Across America.

But we ain't even in America.

But you know what I'm saying.

Palms across whatever.

And I want us all to join one big link.

And I want us to take that link,

and I want us to say,

"Red Rover, Red Rover. Send Satan right over."

And let that motherfucker, join our fingers together,

and Satan try to break through the hands,

and we'll send that motherfucker knuckin' back,

right to hell, all right?

And keep your hands on the screen, now.

I ain't, keep your hands on the screen.

Hold your hands up high,

unless you want one of them, uh, uh,

big, uh, curled up TVs,

and uh, hold your hands up and keep 'em there.

And I want y'all to say with me,

"Red Rover, Red Rover. Send Satan right over."

And don't be afraid.

He don't be afraid to send the knuckle back.

Now, Ricky Brown will be uh, uh, coming to you live,

uh, next week in Tatamagouche, Nova Scotia,

for Ricky Brown's Celebrity Holy Picnic.

And uh, Ricky Brown will be there,

and we'll be doing, uh, actually,

the Hands Across Tatamagouche.

We hoping to break the Guinness Book of World Records

for the longest prayer circle in amsistence.

If we get in that Guinness Book of World Records,

praise God, we will continue to try to break

that record as we join other community together,

and hopefully, uh, continue, uh,

the line of, of hope,

uh, for God.

Hear that? Listen.

♪ The tink, tink, tinkle I de

I remember when I was a kid.

I do remember when I was a kid.

Look what I've got.

"Trailer Parks Psychodynamics:

A case study of Jim Lahey."

Guess what?

Randy told me that I was being too mean to him.

And he said it was a carryover from my childhood.

And that my, our relationship,

I don't know if he was reading Reader's Digest,

he was watching, you know that Ask Molly,

the advice column or whatever it said,

but he was, excuse me, he said,

he said that a lot of dymanics, in the,

in a person's relationship,

stem from, you know, your childhood,

and your upbringing and their problems.

And p, poise, they come from their mother and father,

and sometimes are passed on for generations.

So they said, we'll beat, we'll beat,

beat the outta little Johnny.

Buh, fuckin' beat,

Johnny's gonna beat the shit,

well we all know this!

But I said, "Okay, Randy, I'll go

to the choliatrist if you,"

fuckin' okay. All right.

So I'd like to read you a little bit

about what the casiatrist says.

What did the janitor say when he popped outta the closet?

Supplies!

Okay.

Names of each person the park he plans put in jail.

Okay, here it.

Jim Lahey is a 70-year-old bisexual man

of Irish Catholic background.

He's employed at Sunnyvale Trailer Park

as a pailer park pooper sizer,

and currently lives with his male partner Randy.

Although once happily married

with a promising career on the police force,

Jim is now divorced and estranged

from his only daughter, ter, Treena.

When he initially contacted me,

he was concerned about his relationship

with his partner Randy,

and how his alcoholism was, uh, affecting it.

He described his relationship as pamtestuous,

but loving, and expressed fear regarding

losing the affection of Randy,

who he described as the only positive thing in his life.

He hoped to get help addressing his alcoholism,

as he saw that as the root of his relationship problems.

See, this person is quite astupe.

Jim is referred to by many, including Randy,

as those closer to him, as Mr. Lahey.

This reflection of his desire

for respect and power cultivated in early childhood.

Jim's upbringing involved a strong connection

to the Catholic church.

Both his maternal and paternal great grandparents immigrated

to Canada in the potato famine,

and Irish heritage mitigrate,

, as a child, he served the Catholic church

as a altar boy, and he describes the experience

as a pleasant one that gave, that.

I never fuckin' said was a pleasant one.

As a child, he served the Catholic church

as a alchaborg, and describes the experience

as a, fuckin' pleasant one!

Where the fuck does she get off calling it a pleasant one?

Was fucked!

You know, I knew it was fucked.

When, when, I belonged to the YMCA. I did.

My father and me, we used to go

to the YMCA, and my little brother,

on Saturday afternoons

for the all-men's swim,

'cause they separated the swims.

I remember, I saw my first large flaccid penis in,

in the shower room there once,

but nobody did anything.

So not like you fuckin' not like you mean,

but I was a altar boy.

And the altar boys found out

that I belonged to the Young Men's Christian Machosiation.

And what did they did?

They kicked me out the fuckin' altar boys.

But guess what?

They waited for about four days

before the altar boy picnic.

That's, and then they kicked me out

because I was call it a bathing suit.

Would they want seem a little dinky.

I'm not gonna sue them.

Because I have lack of self respect.

They never touched my tush.

I know they woulda, if I would've gone to that picnic,

I'd probably be bungo blub le,

I'd be fuckin' suing them now,

and a fucking ey, ra ra ra, you know.

'Cause a lot of people have PTSD

after they've been punctuated, just so you know.

Anyway, I'm not gonna fuckin' do, read this shit.

That's shit.

I remember I, I was an altar boy.

I learned the whole mass in Latin.

Ad deum qui laetificat juventutem meam.

Qui et mi cavi nimis cogitatione

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea ma,

I used to hit myself really hard,

and I think I was saying,

"Am I really here fuckin' doing this shit?"

Ad deum qui laetificat juventutem meam.

To God, who gives me joy in my youth.

I need you to look something up, man.

- What?

- What the is a Caiman?

C-A-I-M-A-N.

- M-A-N? C-I-A?

- C-A-I.

- C-A-I?

- M-A-N.

There was one spotted in Bedford

and the f, the picture looked a fuckin' alligator.

All right.

I did see a weird bird the other day as well,

from after the hurricane.

Bird? Alligator bird?

- Alligator bird? - No, no,

you're talking about birds,

but they're fuckin', that hurricane,

It brought all kinds of shit up, man.

- When the fuck were we talking about birds?

- I'm just, a, before I forgot, I forget, like,

I'll show you the, I'll show you a picture of the bird

that I saw.

- Okay.

That's only supposed to be in New Zealand.

- And it's here?

- It was right outside my, on my fuckin' deck.

Just sittin' there all day.

- What the fuck?

- It was standing there, but it was, you know.

He's fucked.

- He's probably confused going-

- Oh, he was totally fucked, man.

- "How the fuck do I get back to New Zealand?"

He's probably still, head still spinning.

He must, he's like Sebastian Bach.

- A caiman, a caiman's a fuckin' crocodile, man.

What the? How the fuck is one of those in Bedford?

No, there's no way.

- Said it's like three feet long,

and the picture looked

like a fuckin' crocodile or alligator.

They're from Mexico.

Never heard of it before.

And South America, man.

Never heard of it.

- No, that's fucked up.

Must have been a pet, maybe.

- Julian, do you like chocolate?

Everybody likes chocolate, Bubs.

I don't enjoy chocolate.

Do you like chocolate, Ricky?

Once in a while, yeah. In the bedroom.

Do, you do? Like it in the bedroom?

Once in a while.

Do you know why that is?

No.

Chocolate is proven to cause arousal

similar to sexual foreplay.

- Jesus Christ.

Ev, everybody knows that.

So when you take a box of chocolates in by yourself,

are you eating them, and then...

Well. No, I meant, you know,

sometimes if you're with somebody,

you have a little chocolate fondue action.

That's why you're supposed,

you're supposed to give your girlfriend

like, chocolate all the time, man.

Chocolate hearts, for, you know.

You get fondue going in the bedroom?

I've been known to whip a fondue up once in a while.

Strawberries.

What goes in the fondue, Ricky?

I'm just curious.

Chocolate.

And yeah, but what do you dip in it?

Strawberries, different fruits.

What else?

Pineapple spears.

And you start, you continue to fondue

as you get shit going?

Well you might rub a little on different places, and...

Have you ever dipped your wiener

in your chocolate fondue kit?

Once by accident, and it burned like a fuckin' bastard.

By accident. Yeah.

- You only do that once.

- By accident. - How'd you accidentally get

your wiener in the fondue?

In may not have been an accident.

Just didn't know it was gonna burn as bad as it did.

And once you do it once, you don't ever try it again.

Burned really bad, did it, Ricky?

It was blistered.

Couldn't use it for almost two weeks.

And then I tried to use it too early,

tore the blisters off again.

Why are you telling us this, man?

You guys wanted to know.

- No, we wanted to know what you were doing

with the fuckin' fondue.

- We didn't ask for the whole medical report

With blisters getting torn off.

Are you scarred

because of that? - Probably.

Do you wanna have a look?

I don't wanna have a look.

- Fuck, fuck. Oh, fuck. Fuck. Fuck off. Jesus Christ.

Fuck off.