Original subtitles

Warning,

the following program contains really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers

under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big go f#*##* yourself button

on your remote control.

- Don't fucking break that, man.

I'm trying to fix the fucking thing.

It's fucking Mo's favorite toy.

No kidding, he told me to take a look at it for him.

'Cause you keep fucking with it.

Ricky, I'm on the Instagram.

What does that mean?

It's this thing.

Oh, I don't know if I even should explain it to you.

It's a app where you can put up pictures,

and people can put up pictures,

and then they talk about your pictures and-

- That sounds kinda dumb.

It is sounding kinda dumb the way I'm explaining it,

but it's all the rage.

- Instagram, it should be, like, you instantly get a gram.

A gram of weed or gram of hash.

- Won't happen.

You just press something on your phone, boom, instant.

Well Ricky, do you know what that would be worth?

If you could build an app that instantly spit

a gram of hash out of your phone?

You'd be a billionaire overnight.

You got a fucking wrench on ya?

What's the chances that you pissed on this thing

and you forgot totally about it?

I was not that high,

Mo might have pissed on it, I don't know.

Why would I piss on a fucking remote control car?

- Because there's some shit dripping out of it.

- It's probably liquor.

Liq-

- Maybe one of Bubbles' cats snuck in here and pissed on it,

I don't fucking know.

- What? - Well, it's fucked.

What's pissed on?

This, the remote-control truck.

- Fucking Jesus.

- That Mo loves.

Here Ricky, do you wanna be on the Instagram?

Do you want me to put one on ya?

Will it get me an instant gram?

It might.

It might.

Here, look at me.

Fuck sakes.

Look at me, Ricky, say something!

- What?

- Talk.

Uh, I'm all knived out.

- What?

I'm fucking, I don't know what to say, man.

I'm working on, fucking, my swords here, for Mo,

so he doesn't get hurt.

But I don't have a goddamn wrench.

- I'm just trying to figure out how to work this cocksucker.

- Work what? - Julian

What?

Look, your on the Instagram machine.

Don't put me on the fucking Instagram machine, Bubbles.

Why?

I don't wanna be on the Instagram machine.

Fuck off.

Fucking fuck!

Do you have a fucking adjustable wrench on ya, or not?

- Why in fuck would I have a adjustable wrench on me, Ricky?

'Cause you have tools, sometimes.

Not on me.

Fuck sakes, Ricky.

Hey, look at that, we're on Instagram.

Okay boys, are we gonna-

- Would that work?

Fucking beautiful, man.

Thank you.

Just gotta look around, man.

That's not gonna work for that.

If it gets me closer than it does-

- Of course, but we're already on the thing here,

they're rolling.

Show started.

- Okay.

Get it started then.

That's not gonna work either.

What are you trying to do, man?

- I'm trying to tighten this fucking nut up

'cause the handle's loose,

and Mo almost cut himself with it.

Why is Mo playing with a fucking big giant sword?

- 'Cause he likes ninja things.

- But you don't give him real weapons, Ricky.

With real blades.

- They're really not that sharp.

- But, he could fuckin'-

He could put his eye out with that, very easily.

He could also become a fucking professional ninja.

You start them young.

Look at fucking Sidney Crosby.

He's not a ninja.

No, but he wouldn't be as good as he was

if he didn't start when he was young.

Well, you should take him out to the fucking

playground and get him to hang on monkey bars.

Fucking good as new!

- Get him exercising, not using weapons first.

Yeah, and you should be teaching him

the ways of the ninja.

I'm just trying to teach him how to throw

these fucking things, but do you know how-

- That's not a throwing knife.

That's not a throwing knife, Ricky.

Jesus Murphy.

The fuck is wrong with you, man?

- You need to read books

and teach him the ways of the ninja.

- Okay.

With, like, bamboo fucking sticks and shit,

not real swords.

Yes, like, this is not something you give a child.

Look at this, this is fucked.

- That's a real Japanese killing knife.

I got no more nuts.

Well, I've got nuts, but I don't have...

You know what I mean?

There's no nut for here.

Where did you get this, Ricky?

This looks like it's actually ancient.

- I think I may have went to Japan one time,

I don't know.

You've never been to Japan.

That is an actual-

I think that's an ancient killing-

- Let me see it, man.

- Ancient killing knife.

No, man, that wasn't used to kill anybody.

- How do you know? - Okay, no, but look at that.

Like, that's not-

- You could still stab somebody with it.

Bubs, that's plastic right there.

That's fucking plastic.

No it isn't, is it?

Plastic.

Oh, yeah.

That is not a real ninja sword.

No, it's not a real-

that actually looks like it was just made out of tin.

Somebody made that in a metal shop

and then just bought a fancy sheath for it.

Let's go for a little walk there, little buddy.

So, that's pretty fucking cool.

So next, we're going to show you how to make

The Jockey-Jumper out of this.

So, we'll put some more food in here first,

'cause you want your baby to be able

to have something to eat.

Fuck, I got no more beef jerky.

I knew there wasn't, but...

Still got a few potato-potato things.

And, fucking ravioli.

Babies love ravioli.

Wish I had a fucking can opener.

Oh well, sometimes you don't have things you fucking need,

you improvise.

Hopefully, this thing will fucking open

this little asshole up.

Fuck sakes.

All right, so once you got that open like that,

just bang the-bang the edges down a bit

so you don't cut yourself.

Fill that fucking thing up there.

Fucking noodle jam.

There we go.

All right, now the baby's got lots to eat,

take your fucking Babysitter Saucer over here,

and this is how you make a Jockey-Jumper.

Jacob actually made this one,

it's a fucking piece of shit.

It's fucking dangerous, if you ask me.

Fuck.

I mean, look at that.

Baby can't put his fucking legs down through that,

with a bit of duct tape,

it's gonna fucking scrape them and cut them.

Jacob's a fucking idiot.

That's why I'm building this one.

Take this fucking thing down.

Fuck off.

Take your Jockey-Jumper, take your little hooks,

gotta get these little fucking assholes on there.

There you go.

That's how you make a fucking-a Jockey-Jumper,

babysitter, saucer, and a stroller, all-in-one.

So baby can get in here, see that?

It starts fucking bouncing and getting some air.

Fuck sakes.

I should have put more screws in the wheels, but-

- How you making out in there, bud?

Good, I mean, other than having to piss and shit

in a fucking bucket, I'm doing fucking great.

And they can suck my cock,

'cause I can stay in here as long as I want.

They think they're gonna make me go crazy,

I'm too fucking smart to go crazy.

Fuck them.

- Ricky's brain, I-he's reached a whole new level of being

fucked in the head.

I'm starting to get worried about the fucking guy.

How long you been in there though, man?

You tell me.

It's gotta be at least-

I bet you I've been in here

at least fucking ten days by now.

It's hard to tell 'cause there's no fucking sun or shit.

You don't get to do fuck-all in here.

But I'm fine.

I'm having a good time, actually.

- What did he say, we're in here for 10 days?

It's been 67 fucking days.

67 fucking days.

I- I told him,

"Ricky, the hash is nicely hidden,

just keep it there for a bit,

everyone's gonna fucking forget about it."

What does he do?

He starts selling fucking hash the-

the next fucking day.

We get caught, we don't give it up,

and here we are.

I'm not telling 'em shit about where-

"Oh, you're hiding hash in prison."

Maybe I am.

Maybe I'm not.

Who knows?

I don't even know anymore.

Do you know?

Does anybody fucking know?

Huh, sleep?!

Like, just-how do you sleep, man,

with all this fucked-up shit going on?

Just admit that I'm right,

and none of it makes any fucking sense,

is all I want you to fucking say right now.

Just stop thinking about it,

you're not making any sense.

A blackberry is black, all right?

Right?

A blueberry is blue.

Why the fuck is a raspberry not called a redberry,

or a strawberry not called a redberry?

They're not straw-colored.

Just shut the fuck up, Ricky, please!

It's fucked.

I mean, you know, fucking bananas should be a yellow.

A fucking lime could be a green, or a-

- You're not making any sense!

Fucking potatoes should be trees,

not whatever the fuck you call them.

'Cause of the way they grow,

with the rooty stuff that comes out of them.

It's fucked, man.

Ricky, who cares?

I just think about shit like that right now.

Go to sleep!

I can't sleep, fuck!

Why don't you think about these things that are wrong?

Shut up, Ricky.

Shut up, please, shut up.

♪ H A Y E X G M O L

Ricky, Rick, shut the fuck up, please!

Why man?

You're fucking driving me nuts, man.

Your alphabet's fucked, bud.

It's-you're changing it up each time.

Doesn't matter what fucking order they go in.

You didn't get every fucking letter.

Why do they have to be in that exact fucking order?

Still works.

I think it's better, actually.

It's-it's fucked, man.

He's starting to-

Ricky, you're starting to fucking

drive me fucking nuts over here, man.

Please.

Just admit I got every letter, Julian.

You didn't get every letter.

♪ K C D B U I V

♪ J Q F R W S Z

♪ H A Y E X G M O L T N P

♪ now you know my 123s

Let us the fuck outta here!

Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you doing?

Dude, you're waking him up, okay?

Shut the fuck up, keep quiet.

It's 67 fucking days,

and he's been fucking going on about crazy shit for the last

60 fucking 5 of the 67 fucking days.

What am I gonna do?

I can't rat him out,

I'm not gonna fucking give up all that hash.

All right, but I'm cool, all right?

I'm keeping it together, I'm a bit worried about him,

but I got it together.

Am I awake?

I was, like, just awake and now I'm asleep?

You're awake, man.

I think.

- I'm awake now?

Mm-hmm.

Why was I just thinking about butterflies?

No idea, tell me about it.

What is a butterfly?

Why is it called a butterfly?

Is it a fly? No.

Is it made out of butter? Definitely not.

So, it's just a fucked name, it should be-

it's probably more like a bird.

Oh, for fuck sakes,

why the fuck did you wake him up?!

This is it, Ricky, Buckingham Palace!

This is it?

This is the place that I'm talking about.

It's pretty fancy.

What's with all the big gates and stuff?

This is where the queen lives, Ricky.

Is that real gold?

Yes, that's what I'm telling ya.

It's all the riches in the land, right here.

We should take some.

Ricky, you can't take fucking gold off the thing.

I'm telling ya, we can come back,

and how heavy do you think that fucking thing is?

Ricky, we can't take that.

Just an arm or a leg, maybe?

Ricky, you've got, like, the queen's Guards over there,

man. Okay?

They've got machine guns.

That guy with the lion looks just like Julian.

Would you shut the fuck up?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

So, what time's the show start?

What show?

- It's a fucking rodeo, isn't it?

- What?

A rodeo?

Isn't there, like, some bucking things going on?

- There's not a rodeo happening.

What are we doing here?

Well, I wanted to see it.

This is where the queen-queen lives.

Yeah, wow.

This is exciting.

Fucking sorry, you know,

I thought we could look at a famous thing,

famous landmark.

- Can we just... - What?

Let's get high, go at least meet a swan or something.

- Ricky, you can't light that right out here,

Buckingham Palace.

- Jesus fucking Christ.

Having a really good time here in London, guys.

Really good time.

Go off ahead if you think you can-

Well, I don't see any guards.

Let's head up here, boys.

- If you wanna get high,

let's go feed the swans.

- You know they have swans back home, right?

- Where?

- There's lots of swans.

There're swans everywhere.

Those aren't swans, those are, like,

geese and ducks.

Swans are, like, eight feet long.

- Eight feet long? - They're huge.

They're bigger than you.

That's like a pterodactyl.

Swans aren't eight feet long.

I'd hate to see an eight foot fucking swan.

I thought there'd be the guards here,

with the badge, you know?

We could go up and poke them, and fuck with them.

They're way in there, probably smoking royal weed.

Lucky fuckers.

Well, I guess this isn't as exciting

as I thought it would be.

I mean, I saw it.

That's all I really wanted to do and see.

So you're happy now,

so we can move on and do some fun things?

- Yes, we can do some fun things.

That's all-

I just wanted to see Buckingham Palace.

Randy, if I can smell you,

you're too close, okay?

Fifteen feet.

What's the name of this place again?

Buckingham Palace.

Who lives here, the pope and the queen?

Just the queen.

Not the pope and the queen.

So they have separate houses?

I thought they were married.

- The pope and the queen aren't married, Ricky.

They don't even know each other.

Two different countries.

Two different things all together.

Well, they might know each other, Bubs.

Jesus, you can't smoke a six-paper joint right here,

there's a fucking cop, Ricky.

He's not a cop, he doesn't have a gun.

He looks like he's baked out of his mind.

He's just staring at the ground.

So the queen and the pope aren't married?

- No. - No, Ricky.

The pope lives in the fucking Vatican.

- He can't get married, he's the pope.

He can't get married and do banging, he's the pope.

He's, like, the leader of the priests.

This is England, we're in England.

The queen is-she runs the show here.

And she's not married to the king?

There is no king, that's why she's the queen.

So, what does she do with all these fucking rooms?

Like, that's a- that's a big house.

Well, I think inside there's-

all the walls are knocked out

and it's like a big gymnasium or something.

I don't believe that, Bubs.

Be a good place to play ball hockey.

There's probably not a gym in there, Bubs.

I guarantee ya, there's a fucking gym in there.

What, do you think the queen is in there

playing basketball?

I've been in there, I've been in there before.

You've been in there?

Bullshit.

If this was my place,

I'd sleep in a different room every night.

That'd be kind of fun for a while.

- "Dear Julian, what can I do about assholes

that drive their shitty, loud cars down my road

when I'm trying to sleep at night?"

Amanda, you know what you should do?

Not a fucking thing.

You can just-you're gonna have to deal with it, okay?

Ricky, he had this guy

that fucking complained about his car,

Ricky, he went into a mission

to drive this guy fucking crazy.

Like, ya know, it's gonna go from a loud car at night,

to you getting flaming shit bags

thrown at your fucking house in the middle of the night.

Ya know, your tires will be flat,

and it's gonna turn into a fucking nightmare, so.

I'm just saying,

this loud car could be Ricky.

Who knows?

'Cause a guy like Ricky, you don't want to fuck with them.

Okay, this is from, uh, Tony Estes.

"I'm getting older and my sex drive

isn't what it used to be,

do you have any advice on how to stay more frisky?"

Tony, don't, like, Jesus.

"And don't say J-Roc's pornos,

I've seen them, like, 1,000 times."

All right, Tony,

don't ask me questions on how to get you frisky, all right?

That's fucked.

That's a very fucked-up thing to ask me.

But, man, I mean, advice?

Go to the strip clubs a bit more.

Go unload some cash to get some lap dances,

or, you know, some shit,

you know, bit of shit in the back room.

And, uh, that's about it, man.

I mean, you've, uh,

you were already jacking to a lot of J-Roc's porns,

which is really fucked-up, if you ask me.

'Cause his porns suck,

and some of them have Ricky and Bubbles in them.

So, I don't know, man.

Hit the strip clubs, dude.

Get some lap dances.

- What the fuck?

How did I find that-there's two of these fucking cards.

See, this box is a fucking rip-off.

They double print.

What is it?

Two tarantula cards.

Let me see.

Make it look like there's more fucking cards in here.

I see-I know what they're doing.

There is two tarantulas.

What are they, postcards?

Yeah, they're postcards.

Those are stupid.

Who uses postcards these days?

- People that travel. - Not many.

People that travel.

It's easy, just write, "Hey, wish you were here."

- Well, it's easy to take a picture and say,

"Hey, here ya go," within seconds.

"Wish you were right here."

Well, it's not as personal,

to get something nice in the mail.

- Who gives a fuck about postcards, and letters,

and gift cards, and all that shit?

Who wants to spend ten bucks on a fucking

Happy Birthday card?

- I do.

And it goes in the garbage-

- 'Cause I still believe that if you mail something

and then somebody gets a nice thing written-

- You're fucked. - It's lovely.

- It's not, man.

I don't-when I get cards, I don't give a shit.

- Well, remind me to stop buying them for ya

on your birthday.

'Cause they go right into the garbage,

seconds later. - Well, isn't that nice?

Isn't that a nice sentiment to find out?

Just being straight up with ya, man.

Save up my hard-earned money

to buy you a nice Christmas card,

and you fire it in the garbage.

Cards are for dickheads.

And people that send cards are fucked in the head.

Just wanna tell you that, man, straight-up.

This public service announcement

has been to brought to you by- Hallmark.

- The grumpy fucking muscle-man.

Just saying, man.

Save the trees, buddy.

Save the trees,

you don't give two fucks about trees.

- I fucking do care about trees.

You don't give a fuck about trees,

and don't tell me that ya do.

If you thought you could make a dollar

burning down the fucking rainforest,

you'd be out there with a can of gas.

- See? - I would not do that.

- You would burn the rainforest.

Do you know what else you can do with trees?

I found it out.

- What?

You can grow fucking furniture.

- Takes a while, though. - Yeah, man.

These fucking people over in England

are growing furniture.

Takes about nine years to grow a chair.

- What? - What a great business.

Yeah, but they're, like, 12 grand each.

12 fucking grand?

- For one chair.

And he's selling the shit cock out of them, I guess.

He grows lamps, chairs, and tables.

How does he grow a chair?

- He forms the fucking thing into the shape as it's growing.

That's why it takes nine fucking years.

- It's like a bonsai tree, man.

Oh, Jesus Murphy, that's-

- It's pretty neat.

- It's neat, but it's a terrible business idea.

I mean, once you're into your 9th year,

you're gonna be fine if people are buying 'em.

That's what he said,

he's hoping to be harvesting annually by 2025,

I guess, but... - Well, then-

- What a fucked-up concept,

I didn't even know it was possible,

because I would like to have one of these fucking chairs,

but 12 grand?

Suck me raw.

- Fucking no shit, man.

Julian, is there pictures of them?

I'd like to see the chair.

"Grow-" are you kidding me?

- Just, "Guy that grows chairs in seven years."

- "Guy that..." - What'd you say, Ricky,

suck me raw?

I don't know what happened,

or where that came from.

It was kinda not nice, was it?

"Man grows chairs."

- Let's see one of the pictures of his chairs.

- They're fucking nice.

Oh, yeah.

Let me see.

- It's, like, one piece.

Wow, look at those fucking things.

Oh, yeah, he's got a whole field of these things, man.

He's growing a field of chairs.

You think you could do this?

Decent.

Well, it's just on a fella now.

The fuck has he got going on there, though?

That's like, he's gotta a whole-

looks like a fucking apple orchard,

but it's, like, $12,000 fucking plants.

Yeah, that's him.

That's a good idea.

You should start making these things, man.

I'm telling ya.

And then in ten years-

- The problem is, you gotta survive

for nine fucking years.

Once you hit that point, you're great.

Well, that's retirement, man.

Right there.

That's, like, it's perfect.

So, he's gonna have, like, vintage chairs.

This one here's been growing for 25 years.

This is the most fucked-up thing

I've ever seen in my whole life.

How does he do it, exactly?

- Besides chairs, he's growing other furniture.

- I think he does lamps-

- Mirrors.

Oh, I didn't know about the mirrors.

Tables.

How do you grow a mirror?

And lamps.

How do you grow a table?

It's just the frame of the mirror.

- But, how do you grow a table?

He's going to turn around,

so these are actually the-

- It grows, like, upside down.

What we're doing here is just checking that-

- Oh, this guy's on mushrooms, man.

Wow. - Jesus,

this guy's right out of her.

He's not fucking around.

No glue, no nails, no nothing.

Yeah, it's just forming them into certain shapes, I guess.

Look, that's a fucking-

- This is the first chair that we did.

It's fucking cool.

That is cool.

That's fucked-up, man.

That's very cool.

- Five to ten years, all right.

Bubs, we got a mission for ya.

I'm not growing you a fucking chair for nine years.

No, not a chair.

- Grow me a bed.

Like, a hundred chairs.

- I'm not growing you a hundred fucking chairs.

You can suck me raw, as Ricky would say.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Jesus Christ!