All language subtitles for Trailer.Park.Boys.The.SwearNet.Show.S05E06.Episode.6.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-WhatsBeyond_track3_[eng]

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The following program contains
really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking,
and sexual inferences.

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Maybe I got a combustion.

I got blurry vision sometimes.

It's, you don't have
combustion, Ricky.

Well, you do, but that's
down in a different area.

- Yeah, that's..

- He's got combustion all right.

Down in his arse region.

Y'know what,

speaking of that, this is the
most fucked up thing I heard.

Someone told me at the
Legion the other day.

Fucking Terry, the
bartender dude.

- Yeah.

What?

- A blue whale's fart bubble
is large enough to hold a what?

Try to guess the animal.

A blue whale's fart bubble?

- Yeah.

- Oh, that could
hold a elephant.

No. You got a guess?

It couldn't?

No, man.

How about a German shepherd?

- I think you're
closer. You win.

- All right. What is it?

What is it?

A horse.

That's a big fart bubble,

fuck I'd love to
see one of those.

Can you imagine-can you
imagine if you're a a diver.

That'd be awesome!

And you all of a
sudden one was coming up,

then boom, it hit you.

And you're in it.

That'd be fucked.

- Oh, you'd die.

You'd die?

- You couldn't live
inside. Yes, you'd die.

If you're in a blue
whale fart bubble.

What is it?

- It's methane.

Imagine if you could harness
that and fuckin' sell it.

You could probably
burn your car with it.

You could probably
burn your car with it?

I'll just tell you right
outta the gate, Ricky,

the logistics of that, you're
not gonna get it worked out.

Elon Musk could
not work that out.

- You just have to get a
nice boat, follow them.

And collect their fart
bubbles and then sell them.

Yeah, I guess it
wouldn't be easy.

That would not be easy, man.

But is it worth a lot of money?

Not really.

It's probably not worth it.

Much easier ways to
get methane, Ricky.

It's good for the
environment though.

Because isn't methane
bad for the sky?

Well, it is,

It's bad.

But you burning it in a car
is not making it any better.

It's not just people. It's
the fucking blue whales too.

- Well cows are the main

Cow farts are the main thing

ruining the fuckin ozone layer.

Oh, man.

I remember reading some
of these last night

when I was fucked.

Some of these things
are fucked up, man.

Why?

This was a while ago but...

This Florida teen attacked
her relatives at dinner table

because they wouldn't give
her any more tomatoes.

She's like, I want
some fuckin' tomatoes.

Like, No, you've
had enough darling.

Isn't there a shortage on
tomatoes or something now?

I don't know but
she fuckin' lost it.

She threw something at her head
and then she pulled a knife.

She's like "Come on, gimme
some fuckin' tomatoes."

- What?!

And then they kicked her-

- Wow she's got-She needs
to go see a psychiatrist.

She's got mental-

- People are fucked, man.
People are fucked up these days.

She's got mental health issues.

Why are people-

- She's pulling a knife
on her grandparents

- Why are people doing-what's-
why are they doing that?

- Maybe it's a tomato
addiction. Maybe tomatoes to her

are like heroin.

No, it's all in the head.

She's got it's, it's a,

I think it's a whole
bunch of things. It's-

- Like video games and shit?

Maybe that's probably a factor.

But if you're pulling
a knife, I mean,

I've played every violent
video game in the world.

I'd never pull a knife
on my grandmother

for a fuckin' tomato.

No there's no way.

So it's, y'know-

- I don't wanna pull
my knife on anybody.

No, I wouldn't pull
a knife on anybody

especially my grandmother
over a fuckin' tomato.

Listen gran!

Okay. So I mean,

if she went over and maybe
punched her in the face,

that's a lot better
than you know.

Well, how about just now

Well, first.

- First she threw a water bottle
and hit her grandfather in

the head, and then she
threw cigarettes at-

- Yeah, see, she's got
mental issue. She needs help.

She's fucked,
she's just fucked up.

- You can't be
attacking your grandpa.

You can't be attacking, y'know-

- Even if they're starving her,
she shouldn't be doing that.

No, man, you should not
be stabbing your grandpa.

She did give her
a tomato, Maybe two.

I don't know how many it
was. But it wasn't enough.

Wasn't enough.

That's...

She's like "I need more."

Fucked.

But uh probably, She was
eating other stuff too.

I doubt she just had
a plate of tomatoes.

It is weird if I
was a grandparent

and my granddaughter was
there, and she's like,

"Can I have another tomato?"

I wouldn't be like,

"No, you're not having
another fuckin' tomato.

Who the fuck do
you think you are?"

Tomatoes are too expensive.

- Like, how many fuckin'
tomatoes do you need?

Jesus Christ.

I can't imagine acting like
that, but no, you know.

But doing it made me feel like
maybe I could, I don't know.

All right. I'm on the fence.

Wow.

He convinced himself that
maybe he would do that.

He would-yeah.

That's, Yeah. Okay.

I wouldn't pull a
knife on someone for

not giving me a tomato. But I,

I may tell someone they weren't
allowed to have any more

tomatoes. They come into my
house just like, you know,

if I get a bag of chips and
they take a couple chips,

it's like, okay, that's fine.

But I'll be keeping
an eye on them.

And if they start fuckin'
taking two, I'm like, Okay, bud,

I think you've had enough there.

- And then if they
asked you for more, Hey,

can I have more chips?

I think you've
had enough. Yeah.

See, it's not the
grandparents' fault.

I thought it could
have been. It's not.

It's her fault. She
fuckin'- She's crazy.

But it's the
grandparents' fault.

No, he said it's
not their fault.

Oh, it's not their fault.

I thought when I read
it, they could have been,

pretty much his fault.

- Ah fuck, I don't even
want to think about it.

It's just stupid, man.

All right. Welcome back to
Gettin' Learnt with Ricky.

I, of course, am Ricky.

And we're gonna get you
learnt today on how to fuckin'

save some money when
you're getting baby shit.

'Cause baby shit is
fuckin' expensive,

Let's suppose you gotta
get a fuckin', a stroller.

That could be
fuckin' 80, 80 bucks.

They need one of those
little babysitter saucers.

The B.S.S. will probably
run you fuckin' 60 bucks.

And one of the fuckin'
jockey jumpers.

What are the-the bouncy
fuckin' things? Jockey jumper.

And that's probably
fuckin', let's say 40 bucks.

So as you can see,
fuckin' over 200 bucks.

On baby shit.

Now I'm gonna show you
how to get the same

fuckin' 200 bucks full of baby
shit for about 7 to 10 bucks.

Let's go.

♪ Schools, they can fuck off.

♪ I'm drunk and I'm high.

How was that Bob,
it fuckin' sucked didn't it?

I told you I can't fuckin' sing.

All right, today we're
gonna get you learnt

on how to build a
fuckin' jockey jumper,

a babysitter saucer,
and a fuckin' stroller.

But instead of building
three fuckin' things,

we're gonna make them
all in-a-fucking-one.

It's gonna cost less
than 10 fuckin' dollars

for all that shit so...

Actually for mine,
it's almost free.

I had to buy some fuckin'
wheels, but that's about it.

So you wanna find one of these
goddamn little laundry bucket

basket, whatever the
fuck they're called,

I like the square ones.

But you can use a fuckin'
round one if you want to.

The first thing you
wanna do is there's

a big fuckin' square
here in the bottom.

So we're gonna cut that
the fuck outta there.

So you can use a jigsaw
or, it takes a bit longer,

so I'm gonna try to
use a circular saw.

See how that fuckin' goes.

You should be very,
very fuckin' careful

when you're doing this.
It's very dangerous,

especially when you take
the guard off like that.

Fuck!

You should probably wear
fuckin' safety glasses too.

Agh-fuck's sakes.

All right, once you
got that fuckin' done,

next thing you want to do,

get two pieces of wood that
are just about this long.

Put some fuckin' wheels
on them like that.

We're gonna screw
those motherfuckers
right onto this thing.

It's probably easier if
you pre-drill this shit.

All right. Get your
little screwy-driver bit.

'Cause fuck doing shit
by hand it fuckin' sucks.

Screw those the fuck in
there. Fuckin' beautiful.

Fuck off.

Sometimes they'll be
fuckin' little assholes

and they won't do what you
want them to fuckin' do.

Get the fuck in there
you little slut.

All right, so there's
the start of it.

Fuckin' looking great.

Put that aside.

Now the next thing
you want to do,

get a fuckin' piece of wood.

This was a fuckin' square
or rectangle at one time,

but cut it into a circle
like this about this big.

You wanna make sure that
you line this little fuckin'

hole up with this.

Just like that.

Cut that the fuck outta there.

You end up with this.

So now with this,

you wanna put a
bunch of shit on here

that fuckin' kids can play with

while you're leaving them to
be babysit by the babysitter.

You know, something like
this might be fuckin' nice,

so just screw that on there.

That's fuckin' kind of cool.
They can fuck with that.

They like to make noise too,

so you can put a little
noise-making thing like this on.

Now kids gonna want to
fuckin' beat on that

and make noise so

You can find anything they
can use as a drumstick.

I found this in Bubble's
Shed, so I'm gonna use that.

I wanna drill a
little hole to fuckin'

be the holder for that?

Fuck. Get in there you fuckin'-

All right, so once you
got that hole down there,

see this is fuckin'
starting to come together.

This little fuckin' thing
just sits in there like that.

Maybe little baby wants to
fuckin' make some noise.

So that's pretty
fuckin' awesome.

The other thing you want,

if you're gonna fuckin' make one

of these babysitter saucers,

baby might have to fuckin' eat.

Put some little food
trays out for him.

All right, so once
those are on there,

you can fill them up with
the different food groups:

Potato.

Get some of those
fuckin' things in there.

You definitely want the
meats, a little beef jerky.

And maybe the the
noodle food group.

Some of that flavored
noodles in there.

There you go.

So enough fuckin' food to

keep the baby happy for
fuckin' hours right there.

Some of that shit on
there, just for flavor.

All right, this is really
fuckin' coming together here.

But you can put all kinds
of other shit on there too.

Just stuff the babies wanna
fuck with. Like, you know,

they might wanna fuck with that.

So there's a nice
little thing to fuckin'

grab and play with.

Babies like to make noise.

So, maybe put one
of these on there.

So now the baby can grab that
like that and make all kinds

of fuckin' noise.

The other thing you wanna do
is put one of those little,

the air floaty,
whatever the fuck-

You know the thing that
f-I'll just make one.

Fuck!

All right, You wanna
take a piece of fuckin'

coat hanger wire.

Put that through there.

What the fuck going on
with this fuckin' thing?

I used too long of a screw
on the water bottle, I guess.

So I'm gonna rip this
the fuck off there?

Fuck's sakes.

That all goes back
in, back in there.

And you gotta be careful
with these things

'cause babies will
fucking eat those

and choke on the fucking
things. Dangerous.

All right, first question, CRX.

Dear Julian,

I've kinda lost track with
my friends from the old days.

Really all I do is hang out
with my wife and daughter.

Is that okay?

CRX of course it's okay man.

It's your fuckin', it's
your wife and daughter.

You know,

one of these days I hope to
have a wife and maybe some kids,

daughter or son and believe
I'm gonna be spending

all my time with them.

I mean, 'cause you know,
well, I don't know about you,

but I got friends like Ricky
and they're really hard friends

to have. So yes, spend
time with your daughter,

spend time with your
fuckin' wife. Be happy.

But this is what
you should do maybe.

Tell your friends you want
to go away for the weekend

in the woods. Once a year.

Plan a trip like the main
long weekend or something.

Get all the boys together,
three or four days in the woods,

get drunk, high,
take mushrooms, acid,

do all that shit, man.

Fuckin' tie one of
your friends up and

put markers 'n'
shit all over him.

You know, do all that shit,

all the boys kind
of, kind of things.

Do that once a year,
you'll be happy.

Your friends will be happy,

Your wife will be happy that
you're not in Vegas somewhere

banging a bunch of
prostitutes and shit.

There's no way you can cheat
on her. It'll be gold, man.

Best thing you can do
for your relationship.

Okay, Cancain.

Dear Julian, I'm a daily
stoner and I live in

a fucked-up country called
Sweden. If you smoke here,

you are considered
a fuckin' junkie.

This makes it pure hell
to meet/date other people.

Should I just give up
the dope or just say

fuck it and keep on going.

Dude, you do live in
a fucked-up country.

I mean,

it's not like you're
shooting heroin or

doing crack and shit man.

Like fuck, keep
smoking your dope.

If that's what you like
doing, keep doing it.

Because once you do get
in with a bunch of friends

and maybe find a girlfriend

or a boyfriend,
whatever you like,

and you start doing the dope
and they all of a sudden.

They look you and say, "Hey man,

what the fuck you
doing?" You know,

it's not gonna be good for
your relationship with your

friend or with your boyfriend
or your girlfriend, right?

So just be yourself, man.

Smoke the dope,
Find new friends.

Find people that are smoking
dope. You'll be all good.

All right, Kaptan Bear.

Dear Julian,

I was thinking about lifting
weights to get in shape.

What's your advice for
a beginner like me?

All right, man, it's good
that you wanna lift weights.

It's, it's a good thing.

You know, it's, it's good
to get into a daily routine,

you know, get in shape,
you'll feel better.

This is what you gotta do.

You gotta start off slow, man.

Just do the basic
exercises. Do, you know,

if you don't have weights,
you can do pushups,

you can do pullups, find a
tree, do pushups, you know,

throw some fuckin'
potatoes in a, in a bucket

and curl them. You know,
walk us some stairs,

do all that shit, you
know, do it that way.

And if you do have money,

I suggest maybe you do go to
the gym or go from, you know,

curling buckets of potatoes
to going to the gym.

Ask somebody there
to help you out.

Watch what the other people
are doing. Get pumped up.

But I got a bit
of advice for you.

The hardest part about working
out is actually getting in

there and starting to
workout. So what you gotta do,

put on your sneakers, put on
your fuckin' workout clothes.

Don't think about it, man.

Don't think about working out
until you get there and just

do it. 'Cause it's
the whole thing about,

Holy fuck I'm tired,

and I don't want to do this,
and you flick the TV on.

Fuck that. Don't think about it.

Get your shit on,
get into the gym.

Fuckin' curl potatoes
or whatever the
fuck you want to do.

All right, Jess,

I know that you were one
of Sunnyvale's leading

real estate experts.

Am I?

I don't really think I am.

I'm a real estate agent
in North Georgia, USA.

And for some reason,

not all my clients have an
appreciation for trailers.

Can you please inform them
about some of the advantages of

owning a trailer? Thank you.

Like, why the fuck would
you want a big-ass house

with all kinds of mortgage
payments and bills

and electric bills
and all that shit

and fucked up neighbors beside
you that are just fucked

And they're thinking
about, you know,

they're stressed out because
they're trying to make their

mortgage payments and all that
stuff. Trailers are awesome.

All you need is a trailer, a
shed to put all your shit in.

You know, lot fees
are 150 bucks a month.

You can get a
trailer, a nice one.

Really nice one for about
40 grand. All right?

That's the way to do it. No
stress living in a trailer.

You were so close to
retiring. Goddamnit!

Well, the truth
is, I did retire.

I retired from not drinking.

Hey, and you know what?

It feels fuckin' good.

The liquor feels like,

like a familiar pair of
slippers that you put on,

sit in front of the fire.

The liquor feels like a child's
arms around your neck with

nothing to give but love.
The liquor feels like,

it feels like, oh,
you know what, Leslie,

I don't think your services
are required around Sunnyvale

anymore.

Pardon me?

I'm gonna have
to let you go bud.

- You're fired. Leslie.

Frig off.

Mm... You think you can fire
me in the middle of a War?

A war? Hehe, this is just a
regular day in Sunnyvale, bud.

Cheers!

The mission is not accomplished.

And I have no intention of
going anywhere, soldier.

A colonel never leaves his post.

- You're not a frigging colonel.

I found your military ID that
says you're only a private.

- Wait a minute, you're private?

Don't. You. Fucking. Say it.

Shut. Your. Goddamn. Mouth.

Shut your mouth, Handy.

The goddamn booze did this.

It needs to be destroyed.

Pick it up.

Pick it up now.

Hop to, fat boy, Hop to.

Me too?

- You too, ya fuckhole.

Let's go

Fuck off

Incoming!

- Pull!

Sweet potatoes,
what is happening?

Run for your lives!

- Holy fuck this thing's awesome

what'd you say it's called?

It's called a catapult,
dude. It's Roman. Load!

Pull!

You're supposed
to be protecting this park!

Oh Mr.Pincock, I'm so
sorry this has never-

- Julian thought it'd be
a good idea to put Ricky

in charge of fucking up
the appraisal of the park.

And that was a terrible idea.

'Cause when you tell Ricky
he can do whatever he wants,

his brain immediately
goes to piss.

And next thing you know, the
fuckin' skies raining down

with piss jugs, and
Ricky doesn't hold back.

He goes right to piss jug alley
and gets the gnarliest old

pisses he can
find. Look at that.

That's a dehydrated piss,
probably 20 years old.

Unbelievable.

Okay, These little cock suckers.

I love them. One of my
favorite things on earth.

A hummingbird.

Yeah. What about it?

Never would've
guessed that, Ricky.

One of your favorite things
on earth is a hummingbird.

- Yes. They're so cool.

They are. I agree.

Yeah, I can go.

I'm just surprised that
you even know what one is.

Well, I bonded with one.

He got trapped to my
trailer and he was

fuckin' flying around,
he was panicking.

He looked like he was gonna
die, and I was trying to get him

to land on shit some
and he wouldn't.

And finally just put my finger
up and little cocksucker

landed right into my
finger and chilled out.

And I brought him right
outside. And then he flew away.

And sometimes he comes
back to visit me.

Probably because he
absorbed like THC and-

- He'll fly by and just hover
there for a second. He's like.

Yeah, probably.

Hey bud! Thanks
for saving my life.

- He had it all over his
fingers and he, and he probably

absorbed or something.

Probably absorbed THC by by
osmosis through his feet skin.

They flap their wings
up to 200 times a second.

That's a lot, man.

A second?

That's a lot. That's quick.

A second?

- That's a lot.

Holy fuck.

- That's akin a machine.
Yeah, a machine.

You could build a machine
that could go BZZ.

If you could, you could
build yourself a hummingbird.

- They'll come out with them.
- Remote control hummingbirds,

I guarantee.

Not that-no

It wouldn't be easy.

- You couldn't build one

- But you could.

You couldn't because
the machinery it
would take to run the

fuckin' thing is heavier
than a hummingbird.

This, not these days, buddy.

It takes so much energy that
they need to eat up to eight

times their body
W-E-I-G-H-T, weight...

- In order to have enough power-

- In food every day. Holy
fuck, That's a lot of food.

- In order to have enough power
to run a gear that's gonna

beat 200 times a second,
the battery would weigh more

than the fuckng hummingbird.

Nuclear.

Scientific.

- Nuclear Powerú

They're gonna get nuclear
power into what a fuckin'-

- They're gonna come up with
it, man. I'm telling ya.

I'm saying right now
you couldn't do it,

maybe in the future with, you
know, hyper drives, maybe.

Exactly. That's what
I'm talking about.

Their eggs are as small as peas.

There's a business,
there's a fuckin' business.

- What?

- Pet Hummingbirds
and you collect their
eggs and sell them.

Specialty eggs.

Scrambled eggs. I'm
gonna have scrambled eggs.

Honey, how many
hummingbird eggs you want?

600.

Wonder how much you could,

how much would you sell a
hummingbird for? You got,

As a pet?

Okay, I'm shutting
this down right now.

I would pay, I
would pay 50 bucks.

For a hummingbird. I am
shutting this down right now.

You're not gonna start
chasing hummingbirds around.

- Okay.

- Say goodbye. We'll
see everybody next week.

They can fly-the only
bird that can fly backwards.

- Alright lets go.
- Let's go collect some.

I knew that, they
fly in reverse.

Their feet are so tiny they
can't walk on the ground. Wow.

Favorite animal on earth.

Hummingbirds

Cheers to you motherfuckers.