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Warning.

The following program contains really coarse language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

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Maybe I got a combustion.

I got blurry vision sometimes.

It's, you don't have combustion, Ricky.

Well, you do, but that's down in a different area.

- Yeah, that's..

- He's got combustion all right.

Down in his arse region.

Y'know what,

speaking of that, this is the most fucked up thing I heard.

Someone told me at the Legion the other day.

Fucking Terry, the bartender dude.

- Yeah.

What?

- A blue whale's fart bubble is large enough to hold a what?

Try to guess the animal.

A blue whale's fart bubble?

- Yeah.

- Oh, that could hold a elephant.

No. You got a guess?

It couldn't?

No, man.

How about a German shepherd?

- I think you're closer. You win.

- All right. What is it?

What is it?

A horse.

That's a big fart bubble,

fuck I'd love to see one of those.

Can you imagine-can you imagine if you're a a diver.

That'd be awesome!

And you all of a sudden one was coming up,

then boom, it hit you.

And you're in it.

That'd be fucked.

- Oh, you'd die.

You'd die?

- You couldn't live inside. Yes, you'd die.

If you're in a blue whale fart bubble.

What is it?

- It's methane.

Imagine if you could harness that and fuckin' sell it.

You could probably burn your car with it.

You could probably burn your car with it?

I'll just tell you right outta the gate, Ricky,

the logistics of that, you're not gonna get it worked out.

Elon Musk could not work that out.

- You just have to get a nice boat, follow them.

And collect their fart bubbles and then sell them.

Yeah, I guess it wouldn't be easy.

That would not be easy, man.

But is it worth a lot of money?

Not really.

It's probably not worth it.

Much easier ways to get methane, Ricky.

It's good for the environment though.

Because isn't methane bad for the sky?

Well, it is,

It's bad.

But you burning it in a car is not making it any better.

It's not just people. It's the fucking blue whales too.

- Well cows are the main

Cow farts are the main thing

ruining the fuckin ozone layer.

Oh, man.

I remember reading some of these last night

when I was fucked.

Some of these things are fucked up, man.

Why?

This was a while ago but...

This Florida teen attacked her relatives at dinner table

because they wouldn't give her any more tomatoes.

She's like, I want some fuckin' tomatoes.

Like, No, you've had enough darling.

Isn't there a shortage on tomatoes or something now?

I don't know but she fuckin' lost it.

She threw something at her head and then she pulled a knife.

She's like "Come on, gimme some fuckin' tomatoes."

- What?!

And then they kicked her-

- Wow she's got-She needs to go see a psychiatrist.

She's got mental-

- People are fucked, man. People are fucked up these days.

She's got mental health issues.

Why are people-

- She's pulling a knife on her grandparents

- Why are people doing-what's- why are they doing that?

- Maybe it's a tomato addiction. Maybe tomatoes to her

are like heroin.

No, it's all in the head.

She's got it's, it's a,

I think it's a whole bunch of things. It's-

- Like video games and shit?

Maybe that's probably a factor.

But if you're pulling a knife, I mean,

I've played every violent video game in the world.

I'd never pull a knife on my grandmother

for a fuckin' tomato.

No there's no way.

So it's, y'know-

- I don't wanna pull my knife on anybody.

No, I wouldn't pull a knife on anybody

especially my grandmother over a fuckin' tomato.

Listen gran!

Okay. So I mean,

if she went over and maybe punched her in the face,

that's a lot better than you know.

Well, how about just now

Well, first.

- First she threw a water bottle and hit her grandfather in

the head, and then she threw cigarettes at-

- Yeah, see, she's got mental issue. She needs help.

She's fucked, she's just fucked up.

- You can't be attacking your grandpa.

You can't be attacking, y'know-

- Even if they're starving her, she shouldn't be doing that.

No, man, you should not be stabbing your grandpa.

She did give her a tomato, Maybe two.

I don't know how many it was. But it wasn't enough.

Wasn't enough.

That's...

She's like "I need more."

Fucked.

But uh probably, She was eating other stuff too.

I doubt she just had a plate of tomatoes.

It is weird if I was a grandparent

and my granddaughter was there, and she's like,

"Can I have another tomato?"

I wouldn't be like,

"No, you're not having another fuckin' tomato.

Who the fuck do you think you are?"

Tomatoes are too expensive.

- Like, how many fuckin' tomatoes do you need?

Jesus Christ.

I can't imagine acting like that, but no, you know.

But doing it made me feel like maybe I could, I don't know.

All right. I'm on the fence.

Wow.

He convinced himself that maybe he would do that.

He would-yeah.

That's, Yeah. Okay.

I wouldn't pull a knife on someone for

not giving me a tomato. But I,

I may tell someone they weren't allowed to have any more

tomatoes. They come into my house just like, you know,

if I get a bag of chips and they take a couple chips,

it's like, okay, that's fine.

But I'll be keeping an eye on them.

And if they start fuckin' taking two, I'm like, Okay, bud,

I think you've had enough there.

- And then if they asked you for more, Hey,

can I have more chips?

I think you've had enough. Yeah.

See, it's not the grandparents' fault.

I thought it could have been. It's not.

It's her fault. She fuckin'- She's crazy.

But it's the grandparents' fault.

No, he said it's not their fault.

Oh, it's not their fault.

I thought when I read it, they could have been,

pretty much his fault.

- Ah fuck, I don't even want to think about it.

It's just stupid, man.

All right. Welcome back to Gettin' Learnt with Ricky.

I, of course, am Ricky.

And we're gonna get you learnt today on how to fuckin'

save some money when you're getting baby shit.

'Cause baby shit is fuckin' expensive,

Let's suppose you gotta get a fuckin', a stroller.

That could be fuckin' 80, 80 bucks.

They need one of those little babysitter saucers.

The B.S.S. will probably run you fuckin' 60 bucks.

And one of the fuckin' jockey jumpers.

What are the-the bouncy fuckin' things? Jockey jumper.

And that's probably fuckin', let's say 40 bucks.

So as you can see, fuckin' over 200 bucks.

On baby shit.

Now I'm gonna show you how to get the same

fuckin' 200 bucks full of baby shit for about 7 to 10 bucks.

Let's go.

♪ Schools, they can fuck off.

♪ I'm drunk and I'm high.

How was that Bob, it fuckin' sucked didn't it?

I told you I can't fuckin' sing.

All right, today we're gonna get you learnt

on how to build a fuckin' jockey jumper,

a babysitter saucer, and a fuckin' stroller.

But instead of building three fuckin' things,

we're gonna make them all in-a-fucking-one.

It's gonna cost less than 10 fuckin' dollars

for all that shit so...

Actually for mine, it's almost free.

I had to buy some fuckin' wheels, but that's about it.

So you wanna find one of these goddamn little laundry bucket

basket, whatever the fuck they're called,

I like the square ones.

But you can use a fuckin' round one if you want to.

The first thing you wanna do is there's

a big fuckin' square here in the bottom.

So we're gonna cut that the fuck outta there.

So you can use a jigsaw or, it takes a bit longer,

so I'm gonna try to use a circular saw.

See how that fuckin' goes.

You should be very, very fuckin' careful

when you're doing this. It's very dangerous,

especially when you take the guard off like that.

Fuck!

You should probably wear fuckin' safety glasses too.

Agh-fuck's sakes.

All right, once you got that fuckin' done,

next thing you want to do,

get two pieces of wood that are just about this long.

Put some fuckin' wheels on them like that.

We're gonna screw those motherfuckers right onto this thing.

It's probably easier if you pre-drill this shit.

All right. Get your little screwy-driver bit.

'Cause fuck doing shit by hand it fuckin' sucks.

Screw those the fuck in there. Fuckin' beautiful.

Fuck off.

Sometimes they'll be fuckin' little assholes

and they won't do what you want them to fuckin' do.

Get the fuck in there you little slut.

All right, so there's the start of it.

Fuckin' looking great.

Put that aside.

Now the next thing you want to do,

get a fuckin' piece of wood.

This was a fuckin' square or rectangle at one time,

but cut it into a circle like this about this big.

You wanna make sure that you line this little fuckin'

hole up with this.

Just like that.

Cut that the fuck outta there.

You end up with this.

So now with this,

you wanna put a bunch of shit on here

that fuckin' kids can play with

while you're leaving them to be babysit by the babysitter.

You know, something like this might be fuckin' nice,

so just screw that on there.

That's fuckin' kind of cool. They can fuck with that.

They like to make noise too,

so you can put a little noise-making thing like this on.

Now kids gonna want to fuckin' beat on that

and make noise so

You can find anything they can use as a drumstick.

I found this in Bubble's Shed, so I'm gonna use that.

I wanna drill a little hole to fuckin'

be the holder for that?

Fuck. Get in there you fuckin'-

All right, so once you got that hole down there,

see this is fuckin' starting to come together.

This little fuckin' thing just sits in there like that.

Maybe little baby wants to fuckin' make some noise.

So that's pretty fuckin' awesome.

The other thing you want,

if you're gonna fuckin' make one

of these babysitter saucers,

baby might have to fuckin' eat.

Put some little food trays out for him.

All right, so once those are on there,

you can fill them up with the different food groups:

Potato.

Get some of those fuckin' things in there.

You definitely want the meats, a little beef jerky.

And maybe the the noodle food group.

Some of that flavored noodles in there.

There you go.

So enough fuckin' food to

keep the baby happy for fuckin' hours right there.

Some of that shit on there, just for flavor.

All right, this is really fuckin' coming together here.

But you can put all kinds of other shit on there too.

Just stuff the babies wanna fuck with. Like, you know,

they might wanna fuck with that.

So there's a nice little thing to fuckin'

grab and play with.

Babies like to make noise.

So, maybe put one of these on there.

So now the baby can grab that like that and make all kinds

of fuckin' noise.

The other thing you wanna do is put one of those little,

the air floaty, whatever the fuck-

You know the thing that f-I'll just make one.

Fuck!

All right, You wanna take a piece of fuckin'

coat hanger wire.

Put that through there.

What the fuck going on with this fuckin' thing?

I used too long of a screw on the water bottle, I guess.

So I'm gonna rip this the fuck off there?

Fuck's sakes.

That all goes back in, back in there.

And you gotta be careful with these things

'cause babies will fucking eat those

and choke on the fucking things. Dangerous.

All right, first question, CRX.

Dear Julian,

I've kinda lost track with my friends from the old days.

Really all I do is hang out with my wife and daughter.

Is that okay?

CRX of course it's okay man.

It's your fuckin', it's your wife and daughter.

You know,

one of these days I hope to have a wife and maybe some kids,

daughter or son and believe I'm gonna be spending

all my time with them.

I mean, 'cause you know, well, I don't know about you,

but I got friends like Ricky and they're really hard friends

to have. So yes, spend time with your daughter,

spend time with your fuckin' wife. Be happy.

But this is what you should do maybe.

Tell your friends you want to go away for the weekend

in the woods. Once a year.

Plan a trip like the main long weekend or something.

Get all the boys together, three or four days in the woods,

get drunk, high, take mushrooms, acid,

do all that shit, man.

Fuckin' tie one of your friends up and

put markers 'n' shit all over him.

You know, do all that shit,

all the boys kind of, kind of things.

Do that once a year, you'll be happy.

Your friends will be happy,

Your wife will be happy that you're not in Vegas somewhere

banging a bunch of prostitutes and shit.

There's no way you can cheat on her. It'll be gold, man.

Best thing you can do for your relationship.

Okay, Cancain.

Dear Julian, I'm a daily stoner and I live in

a fucked-up country called Sweden. If you smoke here,

you are considered a fuckin' junkie.

This makes it pure hell to meet/date other people.

Should I just give up the dope or just say

fuck it and keep on going.

Dude, you do live in a fucked-up country.

I mean,

it's not like you're shooting heroin or

doing crack and shit man.

Like fuck, keep smoking your dope.

If that's what you like doing, keep doing it.

Because once you do get in with a bunch of friends

and maybe find a girlfriend

or a boyfriend, whatever you like,

and you start doing the dope and they all of a sudden.

They look you and say, "Hey man,

what the fuck you doing?" You know,

it's not gonna be good for your relationship with your

friend or with your boyfriend or your girlfriend, right?

So just be yourself, man.

Smoke the dope, Find new friends.

Find people that are smoking dope. You'll be all good.

All right, Kaptan Bear.

Dear Julian,

I was thinking about lifting weights to get in shape.

What's your advice for a beginner like me?

All right, man, it's good that you wanna lift weights.

It's, it's a good thing.

You know, it's, it's good to get into a daily routine,

you know, get in shape, you'll feel better.

This is what you gotta do.

You gotta start off slow, man.

Just do the basic exercises. Do, you know,

if you don't have weights, you can do pushups,

you can do pullups, find a tree, do pushups, you know,

throw some fuckin' potatoes in a, in a bucket

and curl them. You know, walk us some stairs,

do all that shit, you know, do it that way.

And if you do have money,

I suggest maybe you do go to the gym or go from, you know,

curling buckets of potatoes to going to the gym.

Ask somebody there to help you out.

Watch what the other people are doing. Get pumped up.

But I got a bit of advice for you.

The hardest part about working out is actually getting in

there and starting to workout. So what you gotta do,

put on your sneakers, put on your fuckin' workout clothes.

Don't think about it, man.

Don't think about working out until you get there and just

do it. 'Cause it's the whole thing about,

Holy fuck I'm tired,

and I don't want to do this, and you flick the TV on.

Fuck that. Don't think about it.

Get your shit on, get into the gym.

Fuckin' curl potatoes or whatever the fuck you want to do.

All right, Jess,

I know that you were one of Sunnyvale's leading

real estate experts.

Am I?

I don't really think I am.

I'm a real estate agent in North Georgia, USA.

And for some reason,

not all my clients have an appreciation for trailers.

Can you please inform them about some of the advantages of

owning a trailer? Thank you.

Like, why the fuck would you want a big-ass house

with all kinds of mortgage payments and bills

and electric bills and all that shit

and fucked up neighbors beside you that are just fucked

And they're thinking about, you know,

they're stressed out because they're trying to make their

mortgage payments and all that stuff. Trailers are awesome.

All you need is a trailer, a shed to put all your shit in.

You know, lot fees are 150 bucks a month.

You can get a trailer, a nice one.

Really nice one for about 40 grand. All right?

That's the way to do it. No stress living in a trailer.

You were so close to retiring. Goddamnit!

Well, the truth is, I did retire.

I retired from not drinking.

Hey, and you know what?

It feels fuckin' good.

The liquor feels like,

like a familiar pair of slippers that you put on,

sit in front of the fire.

The liquor feels like a child's arms around your neck with

nothing to give but love. The liquor feels like,

it feels like, oh, you know what, Leslie,

I don't think your services are required around Sunnyvale

anymore.

Pardon me?

I'm gonna have to let you go bud.

- You're fired. Leslie.

Frig off.

Mm... You think you can fire me in the middle of a War?

A war? Hehe, this is just a regular day in Sunnyvale, bud.

Cheers!

The mission is not accomplished.

And I have no intention of going anywhere, soldier.

A colonel never leaves his post.

- You're not a frigging colonel.

I found your military ID that says you're only a private.

- Wait a minute, you're private?

Don't. You. Fucking. Say it.

Shut. Your. Goddamn. Mouth.

Shut your mouth, Handy.

The goddamn booze did this.

It needs to be destroyed.

Pick it up.

Pick it up now.

Hop to, fat boy, Hop to.

Me too?

- You too, ya fuckhole.

Let's go

Fuck off

Incoming!

- Pull!

Sweet potatoes, what is happening?

Run for your lives!

- Holy fuck this thing's awesome

what'd you say it's called?

It's called a catapult, dude. It's Roman. Load!

Pull!

You're supposed to be protecting this park!

Oh Mr.Pincock, I'm so sorry this has never-

- Julian thought it'd be a good idea to put Ricky

in charge of fucking up the appraisal of the park.

And that was a terrible idea.

'Cause when you tell Ricky he can do whatever he wants,

his brain immediately goes to piss.

And next thing you know, the fuckin' skies raining down

with piss jugs, and Ricky doesn't hold back.

He goes right to piss jug alley and gets the gnarliest old

pisses he can find. Look at that.

That's a dehydrated piss, probably 20 years old.

Unbelievable.

Okay, These little cock suckers.

I love them. One of my favorite things on earth.

A hummingbird.

Yeah. What about it?

Never would've guessed that, Ricky.

One of your favorite things on earth is a hummingbird.

- Yes. They're so cool.

They are. I agree.

Yeah, I can go.

I'm just surprised that you even know what one is.

Well, I bonded with one.

He got trapped to my trailer and he was

fuckin' flying around, he was panicking.

He looked like he was gonna die, and I was trying to get him

to land on shit some and he wouldn't.

And finally just put my finger up and little cocksucker

landed right into my finger and chilled out.

And I brought him right outside. And then he flew away.

And sometimes he comes back to visit me.

Probably because he absorbed like THC and-

- He'll fly by and just hover there for a second. He's like.

Yeah, probably.

Hey bud! Thanks for saving my life.

- He had it all over his fingers and he, and he probably

absorbed or something.

Probably absorbed THC by by osmosis through his feet skin.

They flap their wings up to 200 times a second.

That's a lot, man.

A second?

That's a lot. That's quick.

A second?

- That's a lot.

Holy fuck.

- That's akin a machine. Yeah, a machine.

You could build a machine that could go BZZ.

If you could, you could build yourself a hummingbird.

- They'll come out with them. - Remote control hummingbirds,

I guarantee.

Not that-no

It wouldn't be easy.

- You couldn't build one

- But you could.

You couldn't because the machinery it would take to run the

fuckin' thing is heavier than a hummingbird.

This, not these days, buddy.

It takes so much energy that they need to eat up to eight

times their body W-E-I-G-H-T, weight...

- In order to have enough power-

- In food every day. Holy fuck, That's a lot of food.

- In order to have enough power to run a gear that's gonna

beat 200 times a second, the battery would weigh more

than the fuckng hummingbird.

Nuclear.

Scientific.

- Nuclear Powerú

They're gonna get nuclear power into what a fuckin'-

- They're gonna come up with it, man. I'm telling ya.

I'm saying right now you couldn't do it,

maybe in the future with, you know, hyper drives, maybe.

Exactly. That's what I'm talking about.

Their eggs are as small as peas.

There's a business, there's a fuckin' business.

- What?

- Pet Hummingbirds and you collect their eggs and sell them.

Specialty eggs.

Scrambled eggs. I'm gonna have scrambled eggs.

Honey, how many hummingbird eggs you want?

600.

Wonder how much you could,

how much would you sell a hummingbird for? You got,

As a pet?

Okay, I'm shutting this down right now.

I would pay, I would pay 50 bucks.

For a hummingbird. I am shutting this down right now.

You're not gonna start chasing hummingbirds around.

- Okay.

- Say goodbye. We'll see everybody next week.

They can fly-the only bird that can fly backwards.

- Alright lets go. - Let's go collect some.

I knew that, they fly in reverse.

Their feet are so tiny they can't walk on the ground. Wow.

Favorite animal on earth.

Hummingbirds

Cheers to you motherfuckers.