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Warning.

The following program contains really course language, weed,

alcohol consumption, smoking and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

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please press the go yourself button,

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What were you saying about the cows?

The cows. Did you read this?

Three cows who were swept off the coast,

during a hurricane Dorian.

That's the cock sucker that hit us.

They managed to survive.

The cows in question were part of a wild herd of 20 cows,

that roamed private land on Cedar Island, North Carolina.

Trio of cows were among those presumed dead until recently,

when they were all discovered,

living in the Cape Lookout National Seashore Park,

on the Outer Banks.

Wow. So they found a better home.

They swam five fuckin miles.

I heard that cows are good swimmers, and they can surf.

Or elephants, Man.

- They surf and shit. - But who gives a fuck?

They what?

Don't they surf the waves or something?

- Cows? - Cows?

No.

Surfin cows?

I thought I heard something about that.

You might've when you were high Ricky.

That's not true.

Surfing cows.

If they can swim, they can surf, they can body surf.

- No, they couldn't think of it.

That's probably how they got the island. Big wave.

And they just rode it.

I'm surprised that a cow can swim.

He's a big bastard.

He's very floaty.

So are fucking Elephants, man and hippos.

I know.

I guess it's just weird. - And your mom.

Cows would be very floaty I would think.

And they get the little legs going, doing little cow paddle.

Why would think cows are floaty, Ricky?

- Cause they're bigger.

Like a boat.

They're not built like a boat though.

A boat has a, is designed to be floaty.

Well, like a big submarine with a head I guess,

or something, I don't know.

I could see like-They got,

a bunch of stomachs, don't they?

Cows?

They have several stomachs. Maybe they-

- What if they fill 'em up with air.

I guess if they.

- They're floating man.

If they swallow a bunch of air.

Well they can breathe under water anyway can't they?

- Cows? - I don't think so, man.

No. Yeah, cows can they have gills right.

Or they hold their breath or something, isn't it?

They have water tanks in their backs,

and they walk the desert.

- It's like they're amphibious. Is that what it's called?

How did you know that word?

I've been looking at books when I'm high,

and I remember certain words.

Amphibious is a big word for Ricky-

- It's a pretty big fucking word man.

Very big word.

I almost did amphibians.

But they're not amphibians, are they?

No they're not.

No man.

- Do they come from the amphibious-lian family?

No.

No, they're not amphibians,

they've nothing to do with amphibians.

- They're- - Cows are mammals.

They'd have to be mammals.

Oh, whales mammal isn't it?

Or is that a fish?

A fish is a whale.

A whale is a fish.

A whale of a fish.

Ah Ricky I ate something that had gummies in it.

No kidding man.

I'm fucking starting to zone out here.

I love them.

- I know you do.

- So I might be trying to get a job for Nassa.

Thought you might wanna know about that.

- I know about this job.

If I don't get this job, I am going to be pissed.

I've always wanted to work for Nassa.

Do you know about this job?

No, I don't know.

- That NASA's offering.

- It's a great program.

They will pay you $18,000 in US dollars,

which are probably better than our dollars. Are they?

Yes.

To stay in bed and smoke weed for 70 days straight.

Job of a lifetime for old Ricky, boy.

18 Grand, 70 days straight.

They need you to stay in bed and smoke dope.

- Which I've got lots of practice. Good resume for that.

Well you've done that for free.

I've never done 70, but I've bet you I've done 10.

Are you allowed to like exercise or anything?

- I don't know. - Just get be-

- You have to exercise in bed.

You could still probably touch yourself,

and do all the things you normally do in bed.

You know?

Okay. Why are they doing this?

- It's an experiment. - They're probably-

- They're trying to get people,

to go up to fucking Mars or something.

When that starts, when they get that going, right?

They're like, okay.

They're gonna go at the stoners and say,

"We did studies.

You can be baked the whole fucking time."

- They're not gonna put stoners-

- So how many days take to get the Mars?

Cause if it's 70, that's a big coincidence.

- No, it's more than that Ricky.

It's like a couple of years to get the Mars.

Mars is way the fuck out there.

So that's what they must do these shifts, I guess.

Couple people go to bed for 70 days and smoke weed,

while the other guys drive.

Then they get up.

Other guys go to bed for 70 days and smoke weed.

- They have like, or space stations every 70 days of travel.

There's a space station.

There's no space stations, every-

- They're gonna fucking, it's gonna happen.

That's what I'm saying, man.

That's the future.

They're not gonna have space stations,

just sitting out in the middle of space.

Why wouldn't they?

- Yeah.

Like a deep, like a Home Depot.

- They've got one up there man.

We're gonna put one 70 days away.

They need supplies, food.

It's like a fucking gas station.

They need more weed.

- What does that have to do with getting stoned for 70 days?

They could be baked the entire flight.

It's probably to see if people would be happy.

Exactly. Who wants to fucking be-

- No one wants to travel over,

you said two years to get to fucking Mars?

- It's more than that. I think it's four years.

How long. Tell ya, put into your machine.

How long does it take to get to Mars?

That's what I need to know.

How long.

It would really suck if it took that long,

and then you got there and you were like,

this isn't that great.

Then what? Another four years back.

You, I'm telling you when you got there,

you would definitely say this is not that great.

150 To 300 days,

depending on the speed of the fucking, of the launch.

That's not bad.

That's it.

- Earth Mars. Yeah man.

So.

Oh, that's.

That's so 150 days.

So we're talking space- - 70 times two?

- That's right.

- Around two. - Around that.

It's not a coincidence.

They're gonna build a space station 70 days out.

- Yeah.

And then they're gonna fucking-

- Full of weed so they can refill,

and spend another 70 days.

It's like a little 70 day party.

And they're gonna get some smart stoners to do it, man.

Fuck it. I'm going to Mars.

Well, I said smart stoners, Ricky.

- Ricky.

You're not dumb, but you're, you know.

I'd be good at something on Mars.

It's gotta be more than 150 days to get to Mars.

What do you do on Mars?

You just have to shovel stuff?

- Read me what it says.

- The total journey time from Earth to Mars,

takes between a 150 to 300 days,

depending on the speed of the launch,

and alignment of Earth and Mars,

and the length of the journey,

the spacecraft takes to reach its target.

But under a year, worst case scenario.

Under a year, man, you're in Mars.

Fuck let's do it, boys.

My information is incorrect.

Let's do it.

Let's fucking go to the blue planet.

We're on the fucking blue planet, Ricky.

The other one isn't there another one?

The red planet.

Which one's? Merck?

Mer. Merlery?

- Merlery. - Merlery.

Name the planets, Ricky from the sun going out.

- Earth.

No, from the sun going out.

What's the little baby guy?

- Merlery? - Merlery.

Then what's next?

Rhymes with penis.

- Venus.

Then Earth.

Then Earth.

- Mars? - Mars Bar.

Mars Bar.

The one that was the car company named their things after.

- Saturn. - Yes.

Yeah.

- Juniper. - Juniper.

Yep.

My anus.

Your anus, my anus.

No, you got another one in there.

- Fuck!

What does it look like?

It's got a very cold surface temperature, mostly nitrogen.

It's blue.

- Oh yeah, yeah fucking-

No, I'm not gonna get it.

Starts with an N.

I know it does, but I don't know the rest of the letters.

E-P-

- Nep?

Nep.

Planet Nep.

How can't you get it with N-E-P.

- Then my anus. - As a clue.

- Then my anus and then Plateau.

Is that a planet though?

Cause there was some debate, wasn't there?

- Pluto is back to being classed as a planet, I believe.

Wow.

Sometimes Mars is closer than it,

sometimes it's not, isn't it?

Well, yes, it's got an elliptical orbit.

- So if you blasted off right as it came close,

you'll probably get there in a couple days.

No, it's a hundred.

- That's when it's 150 days. - That's 150 days.

You're right. Buzz.

- Well, it's quicker than I thought it was, so there you go.

So we're not against doing it then?

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to another Jim Lahey liquor story.

It's a real pleasure to be here today,

to tell you about an event in history,

that I find extremely interesting.

It happened way back in 1809,

when the fires of revolutionary France were burning,

in the walls of Paris,

and Marie Antoinette's head was rolling down,

the chomps solicitsits.

And this young fellow named Emmanuel Courvoisier,

had a wonderful idea.

He decided that he was going to make some brandy.

Now brandy is a very, very dangerous,

dangerous drink if you drink too much.

Cuz if you know, as you know,

if you take some wine and you distill it,

and you distill it again,

it's three to five times as powerful when it becomes brandy,

as it was when it was wine.

And Courvoisier do very special way of fermenting,

and aging and distilling,

produced what's called a cognac.

Cognac, just like it sounds, cognac.

It has you have you doing too much cognac,

and you'll be just like fucking Jim Lahey.

When I tried to blow up downtown Dartmouth,

when I had the ISIS bombs all around me.

What happened was Manny Courvoisier,

as MEs probably called him.

He set up outside the walls of Paris,

because he didn't wanna pay taxes,

and he made the most delicious drink.

And guess who loved it?

Guess who loved that fucking cognac.

Yep.

Napoleon solo hands,

Napoleon Bonaparte, loved fucking cognac.

As a matter of fact, he used to feed it to all his troops.

That's why they fucking lost the Battle of Waterloo.

I fucking did a little research. Look here it is.

Battles with the cannon to the right of them.

Cannon to the left of them, volleyed and thundered.

Theirs was not to make reply.

Theirs was but to do and die into the valley of death.

Rode the 600 oh for fucks sakes.

Listen, I'm just telling you one thing.

When Napoleon Solo went to Helena,

because he blasted the wattle of Baterloo.

The Wattle of Baterloo, I like that,

that's almost an onomatopoeia, almost.

Cheers.

I'm not allowed to drink.

I made a pledge this year to my therapist,

that I wasn't gonna, I was only gonna,

for fucks sake, I was only gonna have one drink a day.

And I'm just gonna save this a little bit,

cuz I have a special drink,

that I'm going going to share with you right now.

Ladies and gentlemen,

do you remember when I drank cognac,

and I was irascible uncontrollable?

Well now I have all of my fucking animal tendencies,

under wraps, do you know why?

Because I just have one drink a day, ladies and gentlemen.

And tadah!

Here it is.

One drink a day and I even have a little,

little fruit to keep the scurvy away.

Cheers.

Cheers to a brand new year, ladies and gentlemen.

2000 and whatever February.

I missed it.

I'll bet you you don't know what's in this.

I'll tell you what's in this. Ladies and gentlemen.

All you have to do is go,

is to buy a couple bottles,

of Liquorman's a brand new drink,

introduce this year, Liquorman's.

Liquorman's. Liquorman's.

Just fill this little cup,

full of three bottles of Liquorman's.

Last you till supper time if you're lucky.

And you'll compromise yourself with your diddly doctors.

That's all. Oh look, a Tim bit,

food for the soul.

Little sugar.

Oh.

If you're like under 10,

I wouldn't try this without your parents fucking there,

but I like to use a chainsaw.

Just cut some of this shit of the way.

Cause this is the part that really fucking sucks,

when you're using the knife.

Trying to get this top part done, so.

So nce you got that done,

you just want to trim this off a little bit right here.

Fuck off.

Get one of these big dirty fucking things here.

It's made just for this,

Because scooping this shit out sucks.

Put that there a little bit like tha.

All right. That's pretty good there.

See how fucking easy that was? No bullshit.

Scoop it with your big hand and all right,

I just gotta put whatever the you want on the front.

Use your Turkey carver if you want.

Or keep using the chainsaw,

'cause chainsaws are fucking fun.

Fuck!

Oh yeah,

you probably shouldn't throw the pumpkin stuff in the front.

Makes it a little slippery.

- Deep fried octopus balls. Are you kidding?

I can't eat here, man.

Deep fried octopus balls.

What?

I'll try an octopus ball.

I like to know what I'm eating. Okay.

Okay well I picked out a couple things for you.

They have shrimp tempura.

- I don't want seafood.

What do you mean you don't?

You can't try seafood once?

I tried it once and I don't like it.

I'm not trying it again. Okay.

I hate seafood.

Well I just,

I wanted to come here and just have a nice meal.

I ordered the Japanese beer.

So that's pretty good.

So did I.

- Thank you. - - Thanks.

Look at this. This this Japanese beer is really big.

It's the indestructible can.

Thank you.

- These are cool cans. - They are.

Ricky, I didn't bring any money.

- What?

I didn't bring any money.

I go a couple dollars I could borrow you both.

Okay, I'll order something then.

Can't do it Bubs.

So you just, so the meals ruined then?

No you guys can still have your meal,

and enjoy your shrimp.

I'm gonna go get a Philly cheese steak down the street.

All right?

It's Bubbles pick,

and we're supposed to try to find stuff to try new things.

- Is that right?

Well guess what, Bubs?

It's always just about Julian.

I don't care about eating.

I eat just to eat. I don't care what it tastes like.

Okay then great.

There's perfect reason to eat here.

I could eat some crab dinner, alright.

You just said,

I don't care what it taste like.

Come on, Julian.

I'm not eating any seafood boys,

I'm telling you that's it. And you shut up Randy.

You have nothing to do with this.

I'm gonna go get a sub,

and I'll see you guys back on the bus.

Julian just gets, do whatever he wants, I guess.

I guess my opinion doesn't matter.

Maybe I should go get a sub too?

Aw Ricky just stay please,

and eat this stuff with me.

All right? But I hope I like it.

Here's a little sample for you to try.

It is fake tilapia, shrimp, tempura and cucumber.

And it's a special sauce that the chef makes.

It's on the house for you to try.

- Wow, geeze thank you.

Decent, thank you.

Decent.

What in the fuck is this?

It's like, look, Ricky, there's shrimp and fish,

and they wrap all up.

- Why have to eat the sticks? - Like don't they have forks?

It's like a lobster claw.

In Japan?

Just so what do?

No Ricky, you don't do that.

- You guys should try it first.

What are they called?

That's the Gyoza, is it?

The Gyoza, yeah.

This kind of looks like an egg roll.

I think I might be able to eat this. There's no spoons.

You got sticks to eat with like.

You use them like a little pincher claw Ricky.

Like a lobster.

Watch this.

How'd you do that?

I learned it on the on the YouTube.

Look at that, I'm just like a.

- Okay, so yeah.

It's a little tricky.

That's what makes it fun to eat right Bubbles?

There's no rule,

that says you can't use your fingers.

I'm trying to fit in here.

What do you think Ricky?

These little mini egg roll things,

are actually pretty good.

- They are called Gyoza.

You dip it in this little sauce here,

and it's actually pretty good.

- Say it Ricky. - They're called Gyoza.

They're called what?

- Gyoza.

- Gyoza? - Yeah.

Gyoza.

- Gyoza, gyoza.

Here we are at sushi place.

Japanese place. We just got our food came to us.

I thought we were getting like,

this was like an egg roll. You said it's a roll.

Like I thought it was an egg roll. What is this?

That's all fish. Ricky.

It's like shrimp tempura and things in there.

And then they roll it up and they slice her up.

Supposed to be delicious.

What's this greeny stuff?

That there's what's called wasabi.

Wasabi?

Yes. Wasabi.

Oh, I pick one of these guys up just by squeezing it,

I think. Look at that.

I got him.

You jam 'em in there like that.

Then you get to eat it.

That was excellent food boys.

Bubs, how much money do you have?

- I don't have any money. I told you that.

You said you had money.

- This was 70 bucks. I have $10.

That's how much normally chicken fingers and pop,

and stuff costs, not 70-

- How much is it?

- $70, boys. - $70?

Randy, get your money out.

I have only got $3 and 65 cents.

I usually eat off the value menu.

Oh my fuck boys, what are we gonna do?

You got one option.

D and D.

- Oh Ricky we cannot- - Drink and Drive?

He means dine and dash.

- What other choice do we have?

Holy fuck boys.

Okay, Randy, run a distraction scenario.

- Go ask her a question. - All right.

Hey Ricky, let's go.

Thank you.

Take these chopsticks, that's crazy.

Do you want a couple?

- I'm just gonna get the money outta of the car.

Go Randy.

Go, go, go, go.

Now this has happened to me many times. Many times.

- You got an erection in public?

No.

Man accused of shoplifting,

has to drop pants to prove suspicious bulge is his penis.

He must have had a big one.

He was.

Or maybe he got a hard on, that's funny.

Window fitter, Steve Whitehurst.

He was, he was buying a bunch of stuff and they said,

Hey bud, I know you paid for your stuff,

but clearly you're stealing some stuff.

And he said, No, that's just all natural stuff down there.

And they wouldn't believe him.

So we offered to go into a stall with a male clerk.

And security were like, no, that's not gonna be good enough.

So he is like, All right, then Woo.

Whips out his big dong.

Whips out his big dong and everybody gasped and was like,

holy fuck.

Did they apologize?

He's not stealing.

Is he suing?

- They thought he was stealing a coil of rope.

What's a window fitter?

It doesn't matter, Ricky, that's just.

- Well I just think he's probably in the wrong profession.

He could be making a lot of money with something like that.

What would he be?

What should he be doing with this Big Wang?

Well, porn would be the obvious answer.

But.

- Yeah, there's a lot of people in porn with big wieners.

Naked model.

- Here. This one other one here,

that I want to tell you about.

Gotta hurry man cause I'm done.

KFC opened in Tokyo.

- Yep. - Mm hm

Listen to this now.

So this is the most unique KFC in the world,

they've got an all you can eat buffet.

- Holy fuck. - Full menu.

You pay 18 bucks and you can eat as much as you want.

What a great idea. Let's go.

KFC, But listen to this one.

- Mm hm?

- This shows you the difference between Japan and Canada,

for an extra 12 bucks.

They also have an alcohol bar and it's all you can drink.

- No way. - Holy fuck.

12 Bucks.

It's just cuz the Japanese don't drink that much.

They have a couple drinks and that's it.

- We'll go over. - So thirty bucks?

We'll go over there,

and put that fucking place out of business.

That's what I mean.

Can you imagine 12 bucks? You just fucking belly up.

Sit there all day,

fucking driving chicken into you, cranking liquor down.

Let's go. Let's go.

That would be good for like at night,

but then you get sick of it, right?

- What are you doing? - Not the booze.

Let's go to the down to the, I gotta go to the mall.

Anyway, let's go into the flight center,

and see what three tickets- I'm in.

Fuck yeah.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.