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Warning,

The following program contains really course language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking, and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the go yourself button

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We'll play for five bucks.

Okay, So this is yours and this is yours?

Yes.

I guess I probably don't play until,

yeah, okay.

So here's how we do it.

- Okay. All right. - This better be fun, Bubs.

First round of, "If You Had To".

So, Julian thinks this would be

the worst thing for me to do.

Have hooves.

Yeah, that's bad.

- I wouldn't mind having hooves.

Oh, fuck, come on, man.

Well, let's just see now,

let's see if this is worse.

These are way easier than that.

- Let each of your friends choose a tattoo

to put anywhere on you.

Well, do you get to choose the friend?

Let each of your friends.

Oh.

Choose a tattoo to put anywhere on you.

So do I,

do I wanna walk around with hooves?

Or do you wanna walk around-

- With a big cock on your forehead.

With this on your forehead?

'Cause that's what I'd be fuckin' saying.

Get that going.

Right down your cheeks.

But, let me just think.

I could probably get the tattoos removed.

Hooves is a major surgery,

and where do I get feet?

Oh. So what do you, okay,

so, it's between these two.

I gotta pick one of these.

Oh, man.

As the worst one that I would not-

- You're stuck with hooves, man,

that's not a good thing.

I dunno, tattoos of cocks all over your face,

cocks all over your cock.

You'd be covered in cocks.

This is pretty, this is pretty good game.

It's hard.

If I had hooves, I'd basically be a Minotaur.

- Yeah.

Do I want to be a fuckin' Minotaur,

or do I want to temporarily have cocks tattooed on my face,

which I can get surgically removed?

Very good question.

You could probably get attachments for the hooves,

to make them be pretty normal feet,

and then you can take that off if you want to climb.

This is what you're supposed to do,

you're supposed to make the argument for your case.

You'd have a lot better traction.

If I could get attachments,

then I could have feet and hooves.

If I wanted to go-You could go

If I wanted to go run in a race,

pull my feet off, and I got hooves, like a horse.

You'd be climbing mountains pretty good.

Climb a fuckin' mountain.

I think I might say the worst one.

Yeah, but are the hooves,

are the hooves on your hands too?

That's okay, we didn't- - Oh, shit.

We're talking on your hands.

No, I don't. No, it says have hooves,

I wouldn't have hooves for hands, would I?

Does a goat?

Well, it doesn't say I become a goat.

I think all four things.

Okay, that changes things.

See, this is what the game's about though, right?

Okay. I've come up with the recipe.

Just wait. I'm gonna have to say,

have hooves would be the worst.

Fuck! I knew it.

- Because if it's right,

and I end up with hoof hands,

that's not good.

I'd be, Well look.

Oh yeah, you're fucked.

There's me tryin' to drink right there.

You'd be walking around soon on them.

No. Well, I couldn't even get the cap off.

- Imagine trying to take a piss.

Here's me drinking with my hooves.

See, you can do it, no problem.

You could do that.

Okay, so Julian's one point ahead.

That's fuckin' bullshit.

- Five bucks. - Now what happens?

- Comin' my way. - No, not yet.

Okay, so these go in the back.

Do we get new cards?

Like this, and you guys each get

one new card for your hand.

- Good. - There's one.

Did you hear about the-

- And now the judge moves to Julian,

so it's between me and Rick.

- Did you hear about the fuckin' cocaine sweater

Walmart was selling?

I did hear about it.

- Christmas sweater. - What the fuck.

I wish I would've got one.

They pulled it, man, before I could buy one.

They were selling a sweater,

and it had a little weird snow man on it.

- Yeah.

And he had a bunch of lines of cocaine

cut up on the table in front of him

with a straw about to do them.

The kids were fuckin' buyin' 'em.

And Walmart was selling it.

I don't think they knew what he was doing.

Somebody, some old guy probably just looked at it,

"Oh, he must have some snow laid out."

- He snortin' some snow.

What if there was like a Christmas tree

with a bunch of weed leaves on it doing the same thing?

Would they remove it from the store?

Well, that's different, I think.

Or, would they take it outta the stores?

- I think Weed's legal,

they might leave that, but I mean,

blastin' rails of coke?

Yeah. You don't want that.

- It's a great sweater.

Snowman fuckin' snorting snow.

I love it.

- I'd like to thank Jesus Loops

for giving us the music

that you hear in the background today.

Jesus Loops comin' to you live,

it's only 99 cents,

and I'd like to thank you,

and all of your offerings to the church,

and the upliftment now of Ricky Brown,

helping us get that music until we

get a new organ player.

I must say, that we did hire somebody,

and the person who did come,

said they wanted to be paid up front.

And they got the money,

and they didn't show the fuck up.

And that's someone that Ricky Brown doesn't like.

And that's someone who belongs,

who works as an agent of that man right there,

that we met earlier,

the Devil, Satan.

And you know, as they say, the Devil come in many sizes,

and I believe that this is just another way,

another agent of Satan,

to hold the church of Ricky Brown down,

but thanks to Jesus Loops,

we, uh, back in business!

Now, I'm contracted to say Jesus Loops at least five times.

I'm gonna get it outta the way, off the top,

so we can continue getting our free shit until next time.

Jesus loops. All right, ladies, gentlemen,

I call upon you, God to answer me, Oh God,

and climb your ear to me, hear my word!

Show your motherfuckin' wondrous kindness,

oh Satan, for those who flee from you.

And as we talked earlier about,

about drowning in the abyss of Hell,

about sinking down into the water,

remember, Ricky Brown,

that was not the Devil as Rick,

that was the Devil in disguise as Ricky Brown.

But you are always on the hunt.

You must always be vigilant.

Oh Lord, keep me as the apple of your eye,

the savior of those who flee,

for the foes who refuge your right hand.

Now, I don't believe in running from everybody,

but if you have to run, don't look back.

Don't turn into a pillar of salt,

go straight ahead, tread water,

keep on up,

because Heaven is waiting for you.

And I want to tell you

that once you get outta that water,

and you ride that helicopter of love

straight to the airports of Heaven,

I want y'all to know that that hypothermia will be gone,

because the blanket of the angels

will be wrapped around you.

The blanket, not by wool, not by lamb,

not by yarn, but the feathers of the angels themselves

will be wrapped upon you on your trip, oh God.

My ravenous enemies will not best me, oh God,

they shut that cruel hearts to me, oh God,

that's right, and we will ride together into Heaven.

And I want y'all to know that,

that it has said that,

as we rise, oh Lord,

and confront, well Heaven is everything we want,

and everything we left behind awaits us.

Oh, in glory of Heaven.

So you wanna sin?

Well, I tell you right now,

you hold off on that sin.

I tell you, have a retirement fund,

you don't want to cash that shit out.

You wanna let that shit grow.

Because at the end of the day,

when you done all the work you need to do,

and you cash that,

there's a lovely prize waiting for you

when you put that prize in yourself.

All your hard earned money and shit,

unless you living on some, you know,

government shit and stuff,

and they don't give you anything,

but even if, or you, whatever you do,

and you put your shit away,

and you come on out,

and you land, and you say, "Lord, I'm good now",

I got hundreds of thousands, or whatever you got in there,

well, lemme tell you, Heaven is a bank.

Heaven is one big bank.

And your life,

your retirement fund, will grow.

You want to steal?

Hold off on that stealin',

because Heaven is a bank of sin.

You get to Heaven, you can see all you want,

because whatever you want do, you get up there.

You want to knock someone out just for the love of it,

you do that shit in Heaven, because you are forgiven.

Once you get to Heaven, everything goes,

anything goes.

Thou shalt not steal,

steal all you want in Heaven.

It won't get you nowhere, you just do it over and over,

but you'll be happy, won't you,

because you saved that sin until the end.

Save that sin until the end.

Keep the dick of sin in your pants,

and you get all the fuckin' holy pussy you want,

at the end of the road, y'all,

at the airport of love.

That's what we say today.

Rise, Oh Lord.

Confronteth them, Oh Lord.

Now, if you will join me,

we are gonna move to our scripture today.

Corinthians,

'scuse me, 'scuse me.

I like to do the prayer of rededication.

We rededicate our lives to the Lord and people we like.

We dedicate the work we do today to the Lord.

To all the kids going to school today,

getting them educations and being better.

We really, please open your arms to them, oh God.

The teachers that spend all day

teaching these motherfuckin' kids,

whether they leavin' gum in the seats,

or throwing tacks on the seat, or whatever,

and calling bitch and doing shit like that,

kicking them in the shins,

please keep them strong, oh God.

To the parents that have to deal with the kids,

and with the parents that stay out all night,

and do whatever they got to do

in order to make the kid,

please take them oh, God.

To the person who come to my mailbox every day

with my check that I get for my royalties

from the show, Oh God.

The bank, oh God.

To the person who finally cleaned the dog poop

off my lawn after, you know,

copious amounts of times of Ricky Brown

coming and threatening them, to kill them,

if they kept doing it.

Thank you. They finally picked up the poop,

and the dog don't do it anymore.

Thank you, oh, God.

To the old dog who used to do it, and died,

thank you for taking that dog away from us, oh God.

- What you want,

is you wanna make sure that,

see look enough cheese,

that the cheeseburger,

the cheese look,

the cheeseburger cube tube don't fall,

and then you just take that, and you know,

Mr. Lee, you just knocked- Not bad.

- You dump some salsa on there.

- Not bad at all, Randy.

And, a little bit of sour cream,

you could use your knife, like that.

I need a jalapeno, I'll just steal one.

- Randy, we have a special- - You fold it

like a cheeseburger, nacho,

Oh! Tomatoes.

- Oh for fuck sakes, Randy. - Sandwich.

Forgot my tomatoes.

- There you go.

Finster food, finkter food, Randy.

- Nice. - Mmm.

Now Randy, I have a little,

a little special, um,

kind of ulterior motive here today,

'cause we're gonna show a little thing

that I took, and it's called,

"How to Roll a Pinner".

Pinner?

- Pinner. You're smoking dope too, Randy

do do do do, do,

you gotta' little fuckin' shit on you.

It's good cheese.

You're smoking too much dope, Randy.

You're drinking too much liquor.

Yeah, but dope's unhealthy for you, Randy.

Liquor hurts your liver. Mr. Lee.

Yeah, but dope costs a lot of money, Randy,

and you're smoking a lot of dope.

I've got, I grow my own dope out back.

I, I have a suggestion here.

I want everybody here to watch,

just hold on, in a couple seconds,

we're gonna show a little thing,

about how you can save a lot.

How all of us can save a lot of money on rolling joints.

Okay?

So Chipper, could you roll?

"How to Roll a Pinner".

How to Roll a Pinner.

I'm getting my own,

This is my own cheeseburger wine.

There is how you roll a pinner.

Did you notice his hands is bigger than mine, Randy,

but he could,

he could just cut the little paper up so fine.

Put a little, we smoked it too.

I'm not interested, Mr. Lee,

I'm not rolling joints that small.

I can't even hold onto a joint that small.

Randy, you look,

hand eye dexterity, Randy.

That's what you should working with.

- Hand eye coordination.

- Yeah.

So what we have now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's something that I've been looking forward to all week.

We have a special, special guest.

You've been wondering why all this liquor's not

festooning my tabletop,

it's because we are gonna be sampling these liquors.

Ladies and gentlemen, Randy,

Randy you got shit on your lip.

I'm sorry, Mr. Lee.

Please welcome, Randy, with a round of applause,

our special guest,

Professor Dom Carlos.

How, did do ya, how did duh duh.

- Hi, professor. - I, oh, okay.

Good to be here.

Would you like some nachos?

No. No.

- Cheeseburger, nachos.

No, I understand,

and they look absolutely appetizing,

but I am fine. Thank you.

What I wanted to do,

and I know that you like alcohol,

- particularly there. - Mm-hmm.

And so, I wanted to impress upon you,

what my doctoral thesis revealed,

which is that alcohol actually has different effects,

but ethnically, by where it comes from,

by the places it's come from.

By it's origin.

So, you see, now, watch for example,

for example, this is rum.

Now you say, Oh, well that's just alcohol.

No, it's rum.

You see now,

when you drink the rum,

you'll notice your personality will shift ever so slightly,

in a particular direction.

Now what you feel,

please describe to the audience what you feel.

Feel like I'd like to have another little sippy-poo.

No, that's not the point.

The point is, is it,

this was the alcohol of pirates and sailor people.

- Argh!

So you see now, did you feel an "ahar" coming on

- as you drank it? - Ah. Argh, ahoy!

Yes, you see this is from the alcohol.

This is where it,

and now a totally different effect, watch this.

- This is vodka.

That's a fuckin',

some sailors tales be ready- Yes.

- When sailors tales be told. - No, no, no.

We're doing, we're doing one at a time,

'cause we're trying to show that there's a different effect.

No, no! No! Not yet.

He needs a drink, bug off!

- Just a little one. - All right.

Here, now, and see if you don't have

a sort of a nautical, a nautical intoxication.

- Argh! - Have you ever been

bothered to sea-render?

Yo, Bubs.

- Hey, what's going on?

What's up?

You need to get down here immediately, man.

We gotta have a fuckin' intervention with Ricky.

Julian, I can't come down.

I'm busy.

I don't have time to come down.

You're busy?

To help fuckin' deal with your friend's addiction?

Huh? Are you kidding me?

What are you talkin' about addiction?

Wha, what you, what?

He's fucked up, man,

I'm telling you,

I can't get the needles out of his hands.

- I take them away. - Needles, what the?

- Yes, he- - Ricky got needles!

Okay, I'm on my way.

For fucks sake, I'm comin' right now.

Okay, see you in a bit.

Julian!

Oh my God, I got down here as quick as I could.

What's up, buddy?

What the fuck are you talking about?

How did it get needles?

Listen. Listen.

- In here? - Listen.

This is what we're gonna do, okay?

I'm gonna go to the fuckin' drug police.

No, no, no, no. Bubs, Bubs,

settle down, okay?

We're gonna go to the tough love approach, all right?

Tough love.

Just tell him that this-

- Julian, if he's on needles,

he's gonna be-

- Just tell him straight up, this is not good for him.

Okay?

But there's gonna need to be a withdrawal program.

- What's up, boys? - How's it goin'?

Ricky, are you all right?

I'm fuckin' great, man.

How you doing?

- What do you got on your head?

See, he's fucked.

I made this.

Here, hold your arms up, I wanna,

I just gotta get some measurements, man.

I wanna make you a surprise.

- What's he addicted to?

Told ya. Told ya.

Just hold your arm up like this.

Ricky, are you on drugs?

- Okay, so that's about a third of this string.

- He looks fine.

- He looks, what do you mean he looks fine?

Ricky, are you shooting needles?

What the fuck you talking about?

What the fuck you talking about?

You said he'd had an addiction,

and then you said fuckin',

he's gotten, you couldn't get the needles from him.

- These needles. - That's, what I'm sayin'.

- Knittin' needles! - Look at him.

- Oh, Jesus Murphy. - He looks ridiculous.

He's trying to get me to stop, man.

- You're fucked. - You're fucked, man.

Merciful Jesus, Julian.

Can you smell him from over there?

I Thought he was shootin' heroin.

Can you smell him from over there?

He's not even showering, man.

This is all he's fuckin' doin'.

Let me talk to him.

Tell him to stop.

- Ricky.

I thought you were on heroin.

I almost had a heart attack.

- Heroin? What the fuck?

- You've been knittin'?

Yes. It's fuckin' awesome, man.

- It is awesome, Ricky.

That's fantastic.

Yeah, man, check these out.

Those are,

you could make me a set of kitty boots.

Could you make me some mitts?

- Oh yeah. Yeah, man. - Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

I got something else I'm working on for you too.

Do you like these colors?

Bubs, what the fuck are you doing?

What are you talking about?

That's not an addiction, it's called a hobby.

That's all, do you know how much I've, do you know what-

- That's gonna look good on you, buddy.

Oh, that's fantastic, Ricky,

I'll wear that everywhere.

Do you know what it's like with

him not making any fuckin' money in here? Huh?

Do you know what it's like?

I don't give a fuck if he's not making you money.

Do you know how much he's bumming for the commissary?

I can hear you.

I'm right here, right?

Well, I know, I don't give a fuck.

What's the fuckin' problem here?

He's got a healthy hobby.

This is a healthy type addiction.

What? So I've got-

- I mean, some people are threatening me.

They say I have to stop knitting,

or they're gonna beat me up, Bub.

- No, Ricky, this is fantastic.

I thought you were a goddam heroin addict.

- Nope, not yet.

- I almost killed myself getting down here.

Jesus Murphy. Knitting needles?

I think this is great.

This is great. You can-

- See. - Okay.

Is it gonna be great never seeing him again?

- Okay? - What are you talking about?

'Cause he's knittin' shit for everybody,

and he's not gonna leave here until he has it all done.

I'm mean, you just added shit onto his fuckin' list.

No, Ricky, I mean.

Boots? Are you kidding? kitten Boots?

And you gotta still shower, Ricky.

He's not showering.

I still shower.

He's hardly even fuckin' eating, man.

I like to knit.

- I think it's fantastic, Ricky.

Fantastic, so we're good.

The more he knits, the less trouble he's gonna get in.

He's never get out, okay, I'm gonna,

you know what? I'm getting out without you.

I'm gonna try on my best to get the fuck outta' here.

- You're not fuckin' leavin' here without me.

I am fuckin' leavin' without you.

- No you're not.

- You're gonna have fun knitting

for all your buddies in here,

and for his fuckin' cats.

Nice going, Bubs.

Any type of little kitty sweaters you want to knit,

Ricky, I'll take them off your hands.

You got it, Bubs.

Thanks. I'll be out, you have fun.

You're fucked.

You're a good friend, Bubs.

- I know I am. - Thanks for helping.

- I know I am. - Thanks for helpin'

your friend out.

I am helping my friend out.

Mr. Greedy.

Am I missing something here?

He's all fuckin' upset 'cause you're

too busy doing this and not helping him make money,

but I think it's great, Ricky.

Right on.

- Keep up the good work.

Anything for my kitties.

- Kitty sweater comin' your way.

Anything for my kitties, I'll take it.

- Surprised they do just give you these though,

you'd think you could stab a fella' pretty good

with one of those.

Well don't, Ricky,

don't be even saying that,

or they'll take them from you.

Well, I'm not leaving any time soon,

free fuckin' yarn!

Anyway. I'm back to it, buddy.

All right.

- Love you, man.

- Love you, too.

Oh, thank fuck!

Thank fuck!

Oh, I thought Ricky was a junkie.

Thought he was a junkie.

He's just knittin'.

There's mine, there's Ricky's.

All right, so what do I gotta do?

So you look at both these, read them,

and then you gotta decide.

- Yeah?

Which one is the worst.

The one you would least like to do.

Do you wanna borrow a five bucks?

You're gonna loan me five bucks.

Pay me seven bucks later.

- I'm gonna combine two recipes, gentlemen.

I'm gonna combine the ultimate chicken fingers,

with the Corn Flake chicken fingers.

We're gonna do a double batter,

a batter of flour.

I got five bucks for you,

you owe me seven though.

Then we're gonna batter in the Corn Flakes.

What? I missed that part, I don't owe you seven.

- Yeah, you do.

You already said, Yeah.

Okay. What am I doing here?

- So you read- - Pick which is the worst.

You gotta decide which one

is the one you would least like to do.

All right.

Give birth to an an evil alien

who will cause the down fall of humanity?

I mean, that's a pretty easy one.

You could kill him.

Would you like that?

Any time anyone sneezes, they must do it in your face.

Ooh. Fuck. See that,

that, that fuckin' grosses me out.

But, it's a fuckin' alien.

So, I'm giving birth to an alien?

- Yes. - Oh, man.

You could kill the little fucker,

as soon as he pops out.

Maybe you can't.

Maybe he's a fuckin' impervious, unkillable alien.

Clearly he is, if he's going to be the downfall, of human,

so you're gonna just let the whole world get killed.

Well.

Because you're scared of a sneeze?

But how long will,

I mean, I don't know, Bubs.

Is there like a, maybe if I'm like 75,

I won't give a fuck.

It'd be thousands of sneezes a day.

No, it's, you gotta choose.

If I'm 75, and I just had, you know,

someone sneezed in my face for fuckin' decades.

- You'd die. - Come On, you get used to it.

- No, you wouldn't. - You say-

- You might start to enjoy it.

All right. This would have to depend-

- You can't have an alien.

- What?

- You can't have a fuckin' alien.

You can't give birth to that alien.

- That would hurt, wouldn't it?

Well, it's gonna come out your ass.

How do you know he's not fuckin' 12 feet tall?

And, you gotta shit him out?

- That's true. - Yeah.

He could tear your hoop wide open.

As Soon as he starts coming out,

just blow his head off with a fuckin' handgun,

or get me to do it.

And then he's stuck.

Okay, who gave me this card?

Do I get to know this?

- What? - Yeah. Yeah.

Which one's that?

The, the birth to the alien.

That's me.

- Okay.

- I think that's the worst one.

Sneezing in your face or the downfall of the world?

Imagine a thousand people a day sneezing your face.

- Why would there be a thousand?

He doesn't even know a thousand.

It says everybody.

- I know a thousand people, man.

- But it's only,

it's, how many times a day

do people around you sneeze?

You probably would go weeks

without even one sneeze in your face.

- Imagine Margarite with all of her phlegm.

- Oh yeah. Okay.

So anytime anyone sneezes? Ah, fuck!

- Around you, anyone around you,

it's not gonna be people, you know, in Ecuador.

They might fly in.

All right?

They would not.

I can't believe you even gotta think about this.

Just because I can't imagine giving birth to something,

which, you know, is not fuckin' easy.

Especially an alien?

- Yeah.

I don't think it'd be 12 feet tall

comin' out of me, that'd be impossible.

Wow.

But I'm gonna have to go with that,

the alien one.

- Fuckin' Jesus! - Okay.