All language subtitles for Trailer.Park.Boys.The.SwearNet.Show.S05E02.Episode.2.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-WhatsBeyond_track3_[eng]

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The following program contains
really course language,

weed, alcohol consumption,
smoking, and sexual inferences.

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We'll play for five bucks.

Okay, So this is yours
and this is yours?

Yes.

I guess I probably
don't play until,

yeah, okay.

So here's how we do it.

- Okay. All right.
- This better be fun, Bubs.

First round of, "If You Had To".

So, Julian thinks this would be

the worst thing for me to do.

Have hooves.

Yeah, that's bad.

- I wouldn't mind having hooves.

Oh, fuck, come on, man.

Well, let's just see now,

let's see if this is worse.

These are way easier than that.

- Let each of your
friends choose a tattoo

to put anywhere on you.

Well, do
you get to choose the friend?

Let each of your friends.

Oh.

Choose a tattoo to
put anywhere on you.

So do I,

do I wanna walk
around with hooves?

Or do you wanna walk around-

- With a big
cock on your forehead.

With this on your forehead?

'Cause that's what
I'd be fuckin' saying.

Get that going.

Right down your cheeks.

But, let me just think.

I could probably get
the tattoos removed.

Hooves is a major surgery,

and where do I get feet?

Oh. So what do you, okay,

so, it's between these two.

I gotta pick one of these.

Oh, man.

As the worst one
that I would not-

- You're stuck with hooves, man,

that's not a good thing.

I dunno, tattoos of
cocks all over your face,

cocks all over your cock.

You'd be covered in cocks.

This is pretty, this
is pretty good game.

It's hard.

If I had hooves, I'd
basically be a Minotaur.

- Yeah.

Do I want to be
a fuckin' Minotaur,

or do I want to temporarily
have cocks tattooed on my face,

which I can get
surgically removed?

Very good question.

You could probably get
attachments for the hooves,

to make them be
pretty normal feet,

and then you can take that
off if you want to climb.

This is what you're
supposed to do,

you're supposed to make
the argument for your case.

You'd have a lot
better traction.

If I could get attachments,

then I could have
feet and hooves.

If I wanted to go-You could go

If I wanted to go run in a race,

pull my feet off, and I
got hooves, like a horse.

You'd be climbing
mountains pretty good.

Climb a fuckin' mountain.

I think I might
say the worst one.

Yeah, but are the hooves,

are the hooves on
your hands too?

That's okay, we didn't-
- Oh, shit.

We're talking on your hands.

No, I don't. No,
it says have hooves,

I wouldn't have hooves
for hands, would I?

Does a goat?

Well, it doesn't
say I become a goat.

I think all four things.

Okay, that changes things.

See, this is what the
game's about though, right?

Okay. I've come
up with the recipe.

Just wait. I'm
gonna have to say,

have hooves would be the worst.

Fuck! I knew it.

- Because if it's right,

and I end up with hoof hands,

that's not good.

I'd be, Well look.

Oh yeah, you're fucked.

There's me tryin'
to drink right there.

You'd be walking
around soon on them.

No. Well, I couldn't
even get the cap off.

- Imagine trying to take a piss.

Here's me drinking
with my hooves.

See, you can do it, no problem.

You could do that.

Okay, so Julian's
one point ahead.

That's fuckin' bullshit.

- Five bucks.
- Now what happens?

- Comin' my way.
- No, not yet.

Okay, so these go in the back.

Do we get new cards?

Like this, and you guys each get

one new card for your hand.

- Good.
- There's one.

Did you hear about the-

- And now the judge
moves to Julian,

so it's between me and Rick.

- Did you hear about the
fuckin' cocaine sweater

Walmart was selling?

I did hear about it.

- Christmas sweater.
- What the fuck.

I wish I would've got one.

They pulled it, man,
before I could buy one.

They were selling a sweater,

and it had a little
weird snow man on it.

- Yeah.

And he had a bunch
of lines of cocaine

cut up on the table
in front of him

with a straw about to do them.

The kids were
fuckin' buyin' 'em.

And Walmart was selling it.

I don't think they
knew what he was doing.

Somebody, some old guy
probably just looked at it,

"Oh, he must have
some snow laid out."

- He snortin' some snow.

What if there was
like a Christmas tree

with a bunch of weed leaves
on it doing the same thing?

Would they remove
it from the store?

Well, that's different, I think.

Or, would they take
it outta the stores?

- I think Weed's legal,

they might leave
that, but I mean,

blastin' rails of coke?

Yeah. You don't want that.

- It's a great sweater.

Snowman fuckin' snorting snow.

I love it.

- I'd like to thank Jesus Loops

for giving us the music

that you hear in the
background today.

Jesus Loops comin' to you live,

it's only 99 cents,

and I'd like to thank you,

and all of your
offerings to the church,

and the upliftment
now of Ricky Brown,

helping us get
that music until we

get a new organ player.

I must say, that we
did hire somebody,

and the person who did come,

said they wanted to
be paid up front.

And they got the money,

and they didn't
show the fuck up.

And that's someone that
Ricky Brown doesn't like.

And that's someone who belongs,

who works as an agent
of that man right there,

that we met earlier,

the Devil, Satan.

And you know, as they say,
the Devil come in many sizes,

and I believe that this
is just another way,

another agent of Satan,

to hold the church
of Ricky Brown down,

but thanks to Jesus Loops,

we, uh, back in business!

Now, I'm contracted to say
Jesus Loops at least five times.

I'm gonna get it outta
the way, off the top,

so we can continue getting
our free shit until next time.

Jesus loops. All right,
ladies, gentlemen,

I call upon you, God
to answer me, Oh God,

and climb your ear
to me, hear my word!

Show your motherfuckin'
wondrous kindness,

oh Satan, for those
who flee from you.

And as we talked earlier about,

about drowning in
the abyss of Hell,

about sinking down
into the water,

remember, Ricky Brown,

that was not the Devil as Rick,

that was the Devil in
disguise as Ricky Brown.

But you are always on the hunt.

You must always be vigilant.

Oh Lord, keep me as
the apple of your eye,

the savior of those who flee,

for the foes who
refuge your right hand.

Now, I don't believe in
running from everybody,

but if you have to
run, don't look back.

Don't turn into
a pillar of salt,

go straight ahead, tread water,

keep on up,

because Heaven is
waiting for you.

And I want to tell you

that once you get
outta that water,

and you ride that
helicopter of love

straight to the
airports of Heaven,

I want y'all to know that
that hypothermia will be gone,

because the blanket
of the angels

will be wrapped around you.

The blanket, not by
wool, not by lamb,

not by yarn, but the feathers
of the angels themselves

will be wrapped upon you
on your trip, oh God.

My ravenous enemies will
not best me, oh God,

they shut that cruel
hearts to me, oh God,

that's right, and we will
ride together into Heaven.

And I want y'all to know that,

that it has said that,

as we rise, oh Lord,

and confront, well Heaven
is everything we want,

and everything we
left behind awaits us.

Oh, in glory of Heaven.

So you wanna sin?

Well, I tell you right now,

you hold off on that sin.

I tell you, have
a retirement fund,

you don't want to
cash that shit out.

You wanna let that shit grow.

Because at the end of the day,

when you done all the
work you need to do,

and you cash that,

there's a lovely
prize waiting for you

when you put that
prize in yourself.

All your hard earned
money and shit,

unless you living
on some, you know,

government shit and stuff,

and they don't
give you anything,

but even if, or you,
whatever you do,

and you put your shit away,

and you come on out,

and you land, and you
say, "Lord, I'm good now",

I got hundreds of thousands,
or whatever you got in there,

well, lemme tell you,
Heaven is a bank.

Heaven is one big bank.

And your life,

your retirement fund, will grow.

You want to steal?

Hold off on that stealin',

because Heaven is a bank of sin.

You get to Heaven, you
can see all you want,

because whatever you want
do, you get up there.

You want to knock someone
out just for the love of it,

you do that shit in Heaven,
because you are forgiven.

Once you get to Heaven,
everything goes,

anything goes.

Thou shalt not steal,

steal all you want in Heaven.

It won't get you nowhere,
you just do it over and over,

but you'll be happy, won't you,

because you saved that
sin until the end.

Save that sin until the end.

Keep the dick of
sin in your pants,

and you get all the fuckin'
holy pussy you want,

at the end of the road, y'all,

at the airport of love.

That's what we say today.

Rise, Oh Lord.

Confronteth them, Oh Lord.

Now, if you will join me,

we are gonna move to
our scripture today.

Corinthians,

'scuse me, 'scuse me.

I like to do the
prayer of rededication.

We rededicate our lives to
the Lord and people we like.

We dedicate the work we
do today to the Lord.

To all the kids going
to school today,

getting them educations
and being better.

We really, please open
your arms to them, oh God.

The teachers that spend all day

teaching these
motherfuckin' kids,

whether they leavin'
gum in the seats,

or throwing tacks on
the seat, or whatever,

and calling bitch and
doing shit like that,

kicking them in the shins,

please keep them strong, oh God.

To the parents that have
to deal with the kids,

and with the parents
that stay out all night,

and do whatever they got to do

in order to make the kid,

please take them oh, God.

To the person who come
to my mailbox every day

with my check that I
get for my royalties

from the show, Oh God.

The bank, oh God.

To the person who finally
cleaned the dog poop

off my lawn after, you know,

copious amounts of
times of Ricky Brown

coming and threatening
them, to kill them,

if they kept doing it.

Thank you. They finally
picked up the poop,

and the dog don't do it anymore.

Thank you, oh, God.

To the old dog who used
to do it, and died,

thank you for taking that
dog away from us, oh God.

- What you want,

is you wanna make sure that,

see look enough cheese,

that the cheeseburger,

the cheese look,

the cheeseburger
cube tube don't fall,

and then you just take
that, and you know,

Mr. Lee, you just knocked-
Not bad.

- You dump some salsa on there.

- Not bad at all, Randy.

And, a little bit of sour cream,

you could use your
knife, like that.

I need a jalapeno,
I'll just steal one.

- Randy, we have a special-
- You fold it

like a cheeseburger, nacho,

Oh! Tomatoes.

- Oh for fuck sakes, Randy.
- Sandwich.

Forgot my tomatoes.

- There you go.

Finster food,
finkter food, Randy.

- Nice.
- Mmm.

Now Randy, I have a little,

a little special, um,

kind of ulterior
motive here today,

'cause we're gonna
show a little thing

that I took, and it's called,

"How to Roll a Pinner".

Pinner?

- Pinner. You're
smoking dope too, Randy

do do do do, do,

you gotta' little
fuckin' shit on you.

It's good cheese.

You're smoking too
much dope, Randy.

You're drinking too much liquor.

Yeah, but dope's
unhealthy for you, Randy.

Liquor hurts your
liver. Mr. Lee.

Yeah, but dope costs
a lot of money, Randy,

and you're smoking
a lot of dope.

I've got, I grow
my own dope out back.

I, I have a suggestion here.

I want everybody here to watch,

just hold on, in
a couple seconds,

we're gonna show a little thing,

about how you can save a lot.

How all of us can save a lot
of money on rolling joints.

Okay?

So Chipper, could you roll?

"How to Roll a Pinner".

How to Roll a Pinner.

I'm getting my own,

This is my own
cheeseburger wine.

There is how you roll a pinner.

Did you notice his hands
is bigger than mine, Randy,

but he could,

he could just cut the
little paper up so fine.

Put a little, we smoked it too.

I'm not interested, Mr. Lee,

I'm not rolling
joints that small.

I can't even hold onto
a joint that small.

Randy, you look,

hand eye dexterity, Randy.

That's what you
should working with.

- Hand eye coordination.

- Yeah.

So what we have now,
ladies and gentlemen,

it's something that I've been
looking forward to all week.

We have a special,
special guest.

You've been wondering
why all this liquor's not

festooning my tabletop,

it's because we are gonna
be sampling these liquors.

Ladies and gentlemen, Randy,

Randy you got shit on your lip.

I'm sorry, Mr. Lee.

Please welcome, Randy,
with a round of applause,

our special guest,

Professor Dom Carlos.

How, did do ya, how did duh duh.

- Hi, professor.
- I, oh, okay.

Good to be here.

Would you like some nachos?

No. No.

- Cheeseburger, nachos.

No, I understand,

and they look absolutely
appetizing,

but I am fine. Thank you.

What I wanted to do,

and I know that
you like alcohol,

- particularly there.
- Mm-hmm.

And so, I wanted to
impress upon you,

what my doctoral
thesis revealed,

which is that alcohol actually
has different effects,

but ethnically, by
where it comes from,

by the places it's come from.

By it's origin.

So, you see, now,
watch for example,

for example, this is rum.

Now you say, Oh, well
that's just alcohol.

No, it's rum.

You see now,

when you drink the rum,

you'll notice your personality
will shift ever so slightly,

in a particular direction.

Now what you feel,

please describe to the
audience what you feel.

Feel like I'd like to have
another little sippy-poo.

No, that's not the point.

The point is, is it,

this was the alcohol of
pirates and sailor people.

- Argh!

So you see now, did you
feel an "ahar" coming on

- as you drank it?
- Ah. Argh, ahoy!

Yes, you see this
is from the alcohol.

This is where it,

and now a totally different
effect, watch this.

- This is vodka.

That's a fuckin',

some sailors tales be ready-
Yes.

- When sailors tales be told.
- No, no, no.

We're doing, we're
doing one at a time,

'cause we're trying to show
that there's a different effect.

No, no! No! Not yet.

He needs a drink, bug off!

- Just a little one.
- All right.

Here, now, and see
if you don't have

a sort of a nautical, a
nautical intoxication.

- Argh!
- Have you ever been

bothered to sea-render?

Yo, Bubs.

- Hey, what's going on?

What's up?

You need to get down
here immediately, man.

We gotta have a fuckin'
intervention with Ricky.

Julian, I can't come down.

I'm busy.

I don't have time to come down.

You're busy?

To help fuckin' deal with
your friend's addiction?

Huh? Are you kidding me?

What are you talkin'
about addiction?

Wha, what you, what?

He's fucked up, man,

I'm telling you,

I can't get the needles
out of his hands.

- I take them away.
- Needles, what the?

- Yes, he-
- Ricky got needles!

Okay, I'm on my way.

For fucks sake, I'm
comin' right now.

Okay, see you in a bit.

Julian!

Oh my God, I got down
here as quick as I could.

What's up, buddy?

What the fuck are
you talking about?

How did it get needles?

Listen. Listen.

- In here?
- Listen.

This is what we're
gonna do, okay?

I'm gonna go to the
fuckin' drug police.

No, no, no, no. Bubs, Bubs,

settle down, okay?

We're gonna go to the tough
love approach, all right?

Tough love.

Just tell him that this-

- Julian, if he's on needles,

he's gonna be-

- Just tell him straight up,
this is not good for him.

Okay?

But there's gonna need
to be a withdrawal program.

- What's up, boys?
- How's it goin'?

Ricky, are you all right?

I'm fuckin' great, man.

How you doing?

- What do you got on your head?

See, he's fucked.

I made this.

Here, hold your
arms up, I wanna,

I just gotta get some
measurements, man.

I wanna make you a surprise.

- What's he addicted to?

Told ya. Told ya.

Just hold your arm up like this.

Ricky, are you on drugs?

- Okay, so that's about
a third of this string.

- He looks fine.

- He looks, what do
you mean he looks fine?

Ricky, are you shooting needles?

What the fuck you talking about?

What the fuck you talking about?

You said he'd had an addiction,

and then you said fuckin',

he's gotten, you couldn't
get the needles from him.

- These needles.
- That's, what I'm sayin'.

- Knittin' needles!
- Look at him.

- Oh, Jesus Murphy.
- He looks ridiculous.

He's trying to
get me to stop, man.

- You're fucked.
- You're fucked, man.

Merciful Jesus, Julian.

Can you smell him
from over there?

I Thought he was
shootin' heroin.

Can you smell him
from over there?

He's not even showering, man.

This is all he's fuckin' doin'.

Let me talk to him.

Tell him to stop.

- Ricky.

I thought you were on heroin.

I almost had a heart attack.

- Heroin? What the fuck?

- You've been knittin'?

Yes. It's fuckin'
awesome, man.

- It is awesome, Ricky.

That's fantastic.

Yeah, man, check these out.

Those are,

you could make me a
set of kitty boots.

Could you make me some mitts?

- Oh yeah. Yeah, man.
- Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

I got something else I'm
working on for you too.

Do you like these colors?

Bubs, what the
fuck are you doing?

What are you talking about?

That's not an addiction,
it's called a hobby.

That's all, do you know how
much I've, do you know what-

- That's gonna look
good on you, buddy.

Oh, that's fantastic, Ricky,

I'll wear that everywhere.

Do you know what it's like with

him not making any fuckin'
money in here? Huh?

Do you know what it's like?

I don't give a fuck if
he's not making you money.

Do you know how much he's
bumming for the commissary?

I can hear you.

I'm right here, right?

Well, I know, I
don't give a fuck.

What's the fuckin' problem here?

He's got a healthy hobby.

This is a healthy
type addiction.

What? So I've got-

- I mean, some people
are threatening me.

They say I have
to stop knitting,

or they're gonna
beat me up, Bub.

- No, Ricky, this is fantastic.

I thought you were a
goddam heroin addict.

- Nope, not yet.

- I almost killed myself
getting down here.

Jesus Murphy. Knitting needles?

I think this is great.

This is great. You can-

- See.
- Okay.

Is it gonna be great
never seeing him again?

- Okay?
- What are you talking about?

'Cause he's knittin'
shit for everybody,

and he's not gonna leave here
until he has it all done.

I'm mean, you just added
shit onto his fuckin' list.

No, Ricky, I mean.

Boots? Are you
kidding? kitten Boots?

And you gotta
still shower, Ricky.

He's not showering.

I still shower.

He's hardly even
fuckin' eating, man.

I like to knit.

- I think it's fantastic, Ricky.

Fantastic, so we're good.

The more he knits, the less
trouble he's gonna get in.

He's never get
out, okay, I'm gonna,

you know what? I'm
getting out without you.

I'm gonna try on my best to
get the fuck outta' here.

- You're not fuckin'
leavin' here without me.

I am fuckin'
leavin' without you.

- No you're not.

- You're gonna have fun knitting

for all your buddies in here,

and for his fuckin' cats.

Nice going, Bubs.

Any type of little kitty
sweaters you want to knit,

Ricky, I'll take
them off your hands.

You got it, Bubs.

Thanks. I'll be
out, you have fun.

You're fucked.

You're a good friend, Bubs.

- I know I am.
- Thanks for helping.

- I know I am.
- Thanks for helpin'

your friend out.

I am helping my friend out.

Mr. Greedy.

Am I missing something here?

He's all fuckin'
upset 'cause you're

too busy doing this and
not helping him make money,

but I think it's great, Ricky.

Right on.

- Keep up the good work.

Anything for my kitties.

- Kitty sweater comin' your way.

Anything for my
kitties, I'll take it.

- Surprised they do just
give you these though,

you'd think you could
stab a fella' pretty good

with one of those.

Well don't, Ricky,

don't be even saying that,

or they'll take them from you.

Well, I'm not
leaving any time soon,

free fuckin' yarn!

Anyway. I'm back to it, buddy.

All right.

- Love you, man.

- Love you, too.

Oh, thank fuck!

Thank fuck!

Oh, I thought
Ricky was a junkie.

Thought he was a junkie.

He's just knittin'.

There's mine, there's Ricky's.

All right, so
what do I gotta do?

So you look at both
these, read them,

and then you gotta decide.

- Yeah?

Which one is the worst.

The one you would
least like to do.

Do you wanna
borrow a five bucks?

You're gonna loan me five bucks.

Pay me seven bucks later.

- I'm gonna combine
two recipes, gentlemen.

I'm gonna combine the
ultimate chicken fingers,

with the Corn Flake
chicken fingers.

We're gonna do a double batter,

a batter of flour.

I got five bucks for you,

you owe me seven though.

Then we're gonna batter
in the Corn Flakes.

What? I missed that part,
I don't owe you seven.

- Yeah, you do.

You already said, Yeah.

Okay. What am I doing here?

- So you read-
- Pick which is the worst.

You gotta decide which one

is the one you would
least like to do.

All right.

Give birth to an an evil alien

who will cause the down fall
of humanity?

I mean, that's a
pretty easy one.

You could kill him.

Would you like that?

Any time anyone sneezes,
they must do it in your face.

Ooh. Fuck. See that,

that, that
fuckin' grosses me out.

But, it's a fuckin' alien.

So, I'm giving
birth to an alien?

- Yes.
- Oh, man.

You could kill
the little fucker,

as soon as he pops out.

Maybe you can't.

Maybe he's a fuckin'
impervious, unkillable alien.

Clearly he is, if he's going
to be the downfall, of human,

so you're gonna just let
the whole world get killed.

Well.

Because you're
scared of a sneeze?

But how long will,

I mean, I don't know, Bubs.

Is there like a,
maybe if I'm like 75,

I won't give a fuck.

It'd be thousands
of sneezes a day.

No, it's, you gotta choose.

If I'm 75, and I
just had, you know,

someone sneezed in my
face for fuckin' decades.

- You'd die.
- Come On, you get used to it.

- No, you wouldn't.
- You say-

- You might start to enjoy it.

All right. This
would have to depend-

- You can't have an alien.

- What?

- You can't have
a fuckin' alien.

You can't give
birth to that alien.

- That would hurt, wouldn't it?

Well, it's gonna
come out your ass.

How do you know he's not
fuckin' 12 feet tall?

And, you gotta shit him out?

- That's true.
- Yeah.

He could tear
your hoop wide open.

As Soon as he starts coming out,

just blow his head off
with a fuckin' handgun,

or get me to do it.

And then he's stuck.

Okay, who gave me this card?

Do I get to know this?

- What?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Which one's that?

The, the birth to the alien.

That's me.

- Okay.

- I think that's the worst one.

Sneezing in your face or
the downfall of the world?

Imagine a thousand people
a day sneezing your face.

- Why would there be a thousand?

He doesn't even know a thousand.

It says everybody.

- I know a thousand people, man.

- But it's only,

it's, how many times a day

do people around you sneeze?

You probably would go weeks

without even one
sneeze in your face.

- Imagine Margarite
with all of her phlegm.

- Oh yeah. Okay.

So anytime anyone
sneezes? Ah, fuck!

- Around you, anyone around you,

it's not gonna be people,
you know, in Ecuador.

They might fly in.

All right?

They would not.

I can't believe you even
gotta think about this.

Just because I can't imagine
giving birth to something,

which, you know, is
not fuckin' easy.

Especially an alien?

- Yeah.

I don't think
it'd be 12 feet tall

comin' out of me,
that'd be impossible.

Wow.

But I'm gonna have
to go with that,

the alien one.

- Fuckin' Jesus!
- Okay.