Original subtitles

Warning.

The following program contains really coarse language,

weed, alcohol consumption, smoking and sexual inferences.

This content may not be suitable for viewers under 18.

To activate parental controls,

please press the big, "Go yourself!"

Button on your remote control.

I know what the 10 deadliest animals in the world are

or things in the world now.

I didn't know.

It's not what you think. You think like a bear or Shark.

No, man. Insects.

- Fucking mosquitoes. - Deadliest thing in the world.

They kill the most people.

- 725,000 people a year. That's fucking nuts.

Well that's, you know why?

Because they can fucking carry different,

all kinds of different diseases in their blood and then they

just jam their little infected stinger right into ya.

I heard-

- And then you've got it all,

whatever they just drank.

There's gotta be a way of like,

killing all of them.

They're like of no use to the planet, are they?

They're just fucking you. Right?

- They're, they're like fucking

the metal terminators. You can't kill them.

- Can't kill 'em? - No.

Very difficult to wipe out mosquitoes.

I heard some places,

the mosquitoes so big that

bite you and they suck all your blood

out and you're dead.

Ricky...

Come on, man, that's not.

That's a huge fucking mosquito.

- Oh, I know. - Ricky.

Size of like a big bird.

- There's no mosquitoes that can suck

all your blood out in one go.

- When you're sleeping,

you don't even realize cause they got this

special sauce they inject into ya that numbs ya.

No, but Rickey, you got six liters of blood in you.

That means the fucking mosquito would have to have

a six liter tank on it's stomach.

- Three fucking bottles of pop.

They don't take it all.

But they take enough that you're like, you're not waking up.

It's a piss off.

Well, they'd have to take at least, fuck,

four, four and a half liters for you to die.

So, they've got two,

two liter pop bottles on their stomach full of blood.

And then how do they fly away

once they weigh fucking 47 pounds?

I don't know the science behind it all.

You don't know any science.

It's not real man.

Second deadliest animal is a snake.

100,000 people a year. That's a lot.

- That is a lot.

Yeah. Dogs is number three.

- Dogs! - Dogs.

35,000 motherfuckers killed by dogs.

I've been telling you those are dirty bastards.

They're not as-

- It must be kids.

Is it mostly the kids is it you think?

They're not as smart as kitties.

Man I don't fucking know.

I know that.

Kitties are probably the higher number,

but they're smarter and they know how to get away with it.

Here's a really weird one.

Number four, freshwater snails.

- Bull-fucking-shit. - Yeah.

How do they kill people?

They release some fucking parasite. Fucks ya.

Parasitic worms in the water.

They get inside your body and just start fucking ya.

Not like you "fucking ya" fucking ya.

Fucking yourselves?

Fucking over your organs.

I never heard of snails doing that.

Maybe fucking yourselves.

- Number five. Is this, I can't.

How do you say this thing?

It's a t-setzy fly?

- Oh, a tsetse fly. - Tsetse fly.

Tsetse fly. Ya, they fuck you over too.

- 10,000 people a year.

- Yeah, those are dirty-

- They inject some fucking parasites.

It's called sleeping sickness. And it fucking kills ya.

- Those are dirty bastards too.

Scorpion, 33,250.

I thought scorpions weren't that big of a deal.

- Oh no. 3000 people? - It's not a huge deal.

It's a lot of people.

But at the third of the fucking deaths

are in Mexico. So, be careful if you go to Mexico.

You wanna watch out for the "death stalker".

It's quite a name for a scorpion.

Well yeah.

Wouldn't it be easy to kill 'em though?

You just step on them?

Oh, they're pretty agile.

They don't go like, they're not like fast, are they?

He might geek ya out and

get you on the side of the foot.

Like the same thing with a tarantula.

Just go up and step on 'em.

- What if you're asleep?

Well yeah, I think you whack 'em when

you're just getting into bed.

Crocodiles kill 1,000 people a year.

This is a weird one, tape worms.

700 people a year.

Oh, you wanna see a crazy fucking video?

No.

I forgot to show you guys.

Get your machine out.

ThIS moment where the tape worm

comes with the guy's mouth and he eats something?

Oh, man.

- Ricky that- - I don't wanna see that.

Doesn't happen.

He takes a bite of a sandwich or something.

That doesn't happen, Ricky.

I knew a guy, Danny Thomas,

and he told me that he saw it happen

one time in his classroom.

He saw what?

He said that someone had a tape worm in his classroom,

and he saw it come out of a guy's mouth

and take a bite of his sandwich.

He's full of shit, man.

- He's probably. - Where is he from now?

Has he got brain problems?

I think he's from England.

- Okay. - Played in a band.

Seems like a smart guy.

The pirate?

Yeah. That's his nickname.

- Pretty simple. - Simple fuckin' song.

It's only got like, really three chords.

So, what you're gonna need is this one.

If you're gonna do it in the right key,

I mean like, to play along with the tape.

Then you're gonna have to do her here.

If you had a capo, you could put it on there.

And then you could just play a A chord.

But I don't have a capo.

I can't afford one of the fuckin' things.

So I'm gonna play it the the hardcore way.

So if you just make this, which is a B flat barre cord,

You're gonna need that cocksucker right there.

And then if you listen to the, listen close,

he actually slides 'er up. He plays her up here.

Which is a, what would that be now?

That'd be an E flat barre cord.

Exact same cord.

You're just sliding her up there.

Right? So this is at the first fret.

And I guess that would be, where would that go to?

That would be the sixth fret there.

And then you're gonna need this one,

Which is like a F seven cord.

Like that.

That's all the cords you need until there's a key change.

But I'll get to that later.

So the song starts with like a little bass,

little fancy bass thing.

So, if you have a bass you can play it.

But I'll show you basically what it is on the guitar.

It just goes.

So, you're on the first fret here on the D string.

Then it comes in.

So it's just like if you watch close,

it's just like the first fret. It's like.

I don't know really how to explain it, but it's just.

So, you can probably follow along with that.

It's something like that. I mean you can, you know,

put your own little twister onto 'er there.

But it's basically like that.

♪ Trailers...

So, then it comes in there. So it's.

♪ Trailers for sale or rent.

♪ Rooms to let, 50 cents.

♪ No phone. No pool or pets.

Ah, fuck! I fucked 'er up already!

♪ No phone. No pool...

Geez! I'm not getting her,

not getting her high enough.

♪ Trailers for sale or rent.

♪ Rooms to let, 50 cents.

♪ No phone. No pools or pets.

♪ King of the road.

That's basically how she goes.

I know you mean, you can sing.

♪ King of the road.

Or you can get all fancy cause there's a harmony guy

in there that goes:

So you can either sing.

Or the harmony guy goes:

♪ King, king, king,

King of the road. King of the road. ♪

That's how you do the harmony.

♪ King of the road.

♪ Trailers for sale or rent.

♪ Rooms to let, 50 cent.

♪ No pool. No phones. No pets.

♪ King of the road.

And it'd be great if you could have some

arsehole standing next to you doing this.

It would make a big difference cause that

goes right through the goddamn song.

It'll make it sound a lot more real.

And then all that happens. That's how you do the whole song.

But then eventually he gets into that song,

the verse about engineers and

knowing his kids and that shit.

You just slide 'er up all one fret.

So you're just going B. That's a B chord.

Then you're going up to the E, there.

And then you're doing this. F sharp 7 instead of F 7.

But if you're listening on the tape,

he gets into this like, double time bullshit.

So, if you want to play it accurately, you gotta do it.

Like he does like a:

He does it like that. It's kinda bullshit if ya ask me.

But again, you know, he might have been jacked up on glue.

That's what makes you get all like,

And he actually plays 'er up high here if you listen to it.

So it's this F cord up here.

And instead of this, you leave this guy here blank.

So you do it like that.

Same bullshit though. That's how you do it.

That's "King of the Road." Roger Miller.

Listen, I'm really glad that you accepted

my invitation to go out to lunch. This is great.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I got some really big news to

share with you.

- Really? - Yeah.

Our stars must be aligned, Randy

I got some news for you too, big guy.

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

I'm gonna take you to my favorite place.

- It's just up the road here. - What's that?

Yeah, it's called The King.

Really? Is that European cuisine?

No, no, no. It's North American, Dawn.

It's great North American food.

Yeah, it's awesome. You're gonna love it.

And it's a good deal too.

- Okay. I wonder what they have for a plant inspired menu.

Well, I think they got like tomatoes

and stuff like that.

So that should help you out pretty much though.

Here we are.

I was thinking maybe sushi,

but this should be pretty good.

- Oh, I'm so hungry. - This is gonna be awesome.

Can I take your order?

- Yes, I'd like to order three cheeseburgers.

Okay.

With just ketchup.

All right.

And could I get three cheeseburgers, just regular.

Ketchup, mustard, pickles?

Yes, please.

And could I get three cheeseburgers with extra pickles?

Okay.

That's a total of nine cheeseburgers?

Yeah, no, we better get three more cheeseburgers.

And I'm just gonna get those ones plain, please.

- Okay. - Anything else for you today?

Drinks or anything?

Yes, I'm gonna get two large onion rings.

Okay.

Can I get two of your value chicken sandwiches.

No. Make it four of those, Bud.

Four chicken juniors?

Yes, please.

- Okay. - Anything else for you today?

- Yeah, I need a large diet pop.

- Okay. - Large, how many of those?

Just one large diet pop.

And, and oh, sorry, my friend Dawn

wants to order something too. Here, go ahead Dawn.

Going on...?

Yeah, you can put Dawn's on my bill, please.

- Thank you - Okay,

no problem.

Yes, I'll have something off your plant inspired menu.

I'll have garden salad.

- Okay. - Any dressing with your salad?

- Yes. Could I-

- I have Balsamic, lite Italian,

lite ranch and Caesar.

- The balsamic, please.

Okay.

That sounds delightful.

And I'll have a orange juice.

Okay. Orange juice.

Anything else I can get for you?

- Oh, I forgot.

Could I also get a poutine, a large poutine.

- Okay. - I only have one size.

- Okay. Yeah, one size.

Okay.

And can you make an order of

onion rings and put the poutine sauce on it?

Like an onion ring poutine?

I can probably do that-

- That would be great. Okay.

How much is that gonna be, bud?

It'll be. $59.28 altogether.

Awesome.

One of those-

- Wow. That's quite the order you got there.

Oh, this is gonna be just so good.

Prunes or gherkins.

Prunes.

Right on boys, clear broths,

hot pepper steak, some stew-y shit.

Dessert is baked 'runies.

Fuck, Squirrel. I didn't know you could cook, man.

This is awesome. I'm fuckin' starving.

Must be good.

Looks like you're running out of a bunch of shit.

I'll take some of everything, dude.

Salad and broth.

Salad? It's not a fucking salad.

It's a piece of shitty lettuce.

Well, what the fuck is this?

I thought that was just a tray with something sad in.

This one's chicken broth.

- Chicken broth? - It looks like piss.

Is this a fuckin' joke, man?

Bun or cracker?

Bun, I guess. You're fuckin' for real right now?

This is lunch?

Give me another one, that one fuckin' fell.

Man, when you need hash, I'm the go through guy, okay?

I can give you hash, but I can't eat this shit.

I need fuckin' like the other guys made.

Pizza, fish, fuckin' burgers, hotdog, sausages, pork,

smoked fuckin' meat, lobster.

This is fuckin' bullshit, man.

Listen, Squirrel.

You gotta have something else back there, man.

I'll give you a nice piece of hash.

I need something different.

Tell me you got something else from me, man.

Ricky, I got something for you.

Thank fuck.

This is fuckin' bullshit.

This? This doesn't live off this.

You gotta fuckin' fix this shit.

Ricky, settle the fuck down.

Salad or chicken broth?

Salad, please.

Aw, I got the stump!

I got the stump.

- All right, we made it in, look at this place.

This is fantastic.

I can't think of a better place to be right now at

this level of buzz on,

getting stoned and going to the aquium.

It's wicked.

Ricky, it's the Ripley's Aquarium of Canada.

That's what it's called.

- Aquium, Ricky.

Aquarium. Repeat, say it. Aquarium.

Aquari.

Um.

- Aquarium. - Aquarium.

Almost Overnight,

Canada's abundant fish...

Oh fuck! Look at the size of that guy.

...tons upon tons of fish

back to the old world.

Boys, where's that voice coming from?

Canada's fishing industry

is worth $5 billion a year.

Is that the fish talking?

It's not the fish.

It Provides jobs to 130,000 people.

In more than 1500 communities.

If we could get him outta here,

we could eat him for about two years.

At least.

- I wonder, could we get him outta here, Julian.

There's no way we're gonna get a 880 pounder out of here.

- Bubbles, you get me in a tank.

I'll pet my shark and, I'll get you whatever

you want for supper. Anything you want.

How's it going?

Hey boys, you know what? This stuff's kind of cool.

I like all the fish and stuff being baked,

but I want go find the sharks.

I want to pet a shark. Possibly fight a shark.

- Look Ricky, look. - Dangerous Lagoon.

This is it, isn't it?

That's probably what we're looking for.

Alright. I'm ready.

I'm gonna start getting warmed up here.

Ricky, look at 'em.

Where's he going?

Keep running away.

Let's go.

Down here, bud.

Come on. Get back here, you pussy.

There's no way that shark

can hear you. He's not backin' down.

And they don't know English.

So I'm not gonna get to pet or fight a shark today.

What's the point of even being here?

Well, you're just supposed to enjoy the nice scenery,

Ricky.

Can't we get up top to where they are or something?

- No, we can't get in the tanks.

We're not allowed in the tanks.

Yeah, Ricky go through the tube and try to fight one.

All right.

He's gonna look like a total idiot.

Look how dumb he is.

Get him, Ricky!

What did they say?

They're just swimming away from me.

Bunch of pussies.

Ricky, oh shit, he's moving.

- Nice.

About as close as we're gonna get to one, I guess.

Do you still think you could beat that thing, Ricky?

I wouldn't want to take that one on. That's big.

Look at those teeth.

I wouldn't want you trying to fight thing.

No, I wanna fight a little guy.

- You mean one like the same height as you?

Yeah, my height or maybe a little bit bigger.

- Okay Ricky, here's some sharks

that you can actually touch.

I don't want touch or fight any this small though.

- What?

I just don't wanna touch or fight anything this small.

They're too small.

- At least touch it and pat it.

Alright.

Just pet it, Ricky.

They likely won't even move at all.

If you just kinda pet them along the back,

like you'd touch a dog or a cat.

They likely will just stay right there

and be really, really good.

You heard the man, Ricky. You heard the man.

- I'm just waiting. - You wanted to-

- Just waiting for some people to do it.

Just don't stick

your finger in its mouth.

- Okay.

- Rick, it's just a little tiny shark, bud.

Why, what? Are you afraid?

Why don't you touch it first, Julian?

No, no. You're the one that wanted

to come in here and fight a shark.

Yeah, but not something this small.

No. Well, why don't you at least touch it?

Ricky, look. There's one right there.

All right, I'm gonna try to pet 'em.

That's why we should talk-

- Maybe you guys should try it first.

- What? - Are you scared?

Are you a 'fraidy cat, Ricky?

No. I'm not afraid a 'fraidy cat.

It's just, the small ones are the most dangerous ones.

He said these are like basically

like cats and dogs of the sea.

You can pet them.

- All right, here we go.

It feels like...

It feels like a piece of rubber.

Like a rubber boot.

It's this one right at the top. Holy fuck.

What is this, man?

Watch this video. Oh baby.

Show it to Ricky. You're not gonna like this, Ricky.

No, he's just hanging out, right?

- What is this? A snake?

He's just hanging out in a-

- Oh, fuck. See, I don't like the way.

In doctor's office and-

- Talking to somebody.

- Talking. And then he noticed the cocksucker.

Oh, look out. Look out.

Look at that cocksucker.

Stompin' the shit out of him. Did he get him?

He gets 'em. But Jesus, he knows how to do it.

Look, he gets him the right way but,

he's just sitting there enjoying his day and

that cocksucker comes in and starts.

- Fuck, Buddy doesn't fuck around with the snakes, does he?

- No, he got 'em. - That's good, man.

I would've died, for sure.

All right. Good going, dude.

God, I, oh boy.

I wanna know where that is cause I'm not going there.

That thing just came in,

it must have had rabies or something.

Can snakes get rabies?

There's a cop there. He's like, "Oh, get the fuckin'

thing outta here, bud."

I know they can get the flu.

I don't know about rabies.

Who can get the flu?

Snakes. They can sneeze.

Is that fuckin' true?

Ricky, how do you know this?

- I've seen it.

You've seen snakes-

- Little garter snake. - Sneezing.

Yeah. Had a sneezing fit.

- I don't believe that. - No,

it could have been a cat actually.

There was a snake and a cat and one of 'em was sneezing.

Does a cat sneeze?

Yes. Snakes don't sneeze.

- How fucked up were you, fuckin, like Rick.

- Punch in "Can snakes sneeze?"

I need to know now.

I hope they can.

I'll feel like I'm smarter than you guys.

- No. - Fuck!

They don't have a diaphragm.

- They're not fuckin' sneezing. - What's a diaphragm?

Jesus, Rick.

- I've heard of it for sex. - It's...

never mind, man.

You heard about it for sex?

Doesn't it stop...

- That's a, yes,

there is a diaphragm thing that ladies can use.

Fuck off.