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[ Woman ] Thomas Jefferson Tyler!

He ought to be horsewhipped for using that name.

Thomas Jefferson Tyler!

He's probably one of those chinless hacks...

who bribes chambermaids to peek through keyholes.

Thomas Jefferson Tyler!

And he calls that writing, I suppose.

I've seen better writing on a board fence.

[ Bells Jingling ] [ Dogs Barking ]

♪ [ Band ]

♪ [ Stops ]

Oh, there he is.

One, please.

That's the young man I was telling you about.

Oh.

Oh, hello there! Won't you join us? Good evening. Thank you.

This is Mr.-- What is your name again? Thomas. Tom Thomas.

Tom-Tom. How quaint. Sounds Indian.

This is my niece, Sara Farley.

Good evening. And the Count de Guyon.

How do you do? How do you do?

Miss Sara Farley of the Farley chain.

I can hardly believe it. Sara, show him a grocery store.

You know, I've bean reading those articles about you. Really?

Yes. I run a small-town paper, and the news syndicates brought the series to my attention.

How interesting.

Oh, naturally, I didn't touch them. Oh? Why not?

Why, I wouldn't print things like that. I think it's outrageous.

Besides, the folks in my town are opposed to that sort of nasty writing.

Didn't I tell you he was charming?

Would you like to dance? Not now, André.

Tell me, Mr., uh-- Thomas.

Thomas. Do people in small towns realize that I'm being libeled?

Of course.

They're just like city folk, Miss Farley, except that they have a sense of fairness.

You see, they-they rather like you.

They feel that you've been a victim of circumstances and bad public relations.

They feel that it's happened because your parents died when you were a little girl.

Well, you-- you need a mother and father, or... husband.

Uh, shall we dance now, dear?

This is a revelation, Mr. Thomas.

I always felt that most people believed those stories.

Oh, no. No, Miss Farley.

You-You mustn't lose faith in the real people.

They understand you.

♪ [ Band ]

I'm sorry. I-- I shouldn't have started all this, spoiling your evening.

I don't suppose you'd care to dance. I'd love to.

Well, thank you. Excuse me.

He's nice. Don't you think?

I do not. I think he's trying to take the bread right out of my mouth.

He's stalking her now-- my pigeon. I can tell by the look on his face.

Hello. Oh, let me speak to Miss Sara Farley, please.

Yeah.

[ Phone Rings ]

Hello.

Oh, hello!

Tonight? Oh, no. I can't, Mr. Thomas.

I promised Count de Guyon that I'd go dogsledding with him.

No. [ Laughing ] Dogsledding.

Okay. I'll try you again some other time.

Have fun... with the dogs.

[ Laughs ] Thanks. And you will call me again?

Good. Good-bye.

Hello. Get me the sports desk.

Hello, sports desk? This is Mr. Thomas speaking.

Yeah, I'd like to talk to someone in charge of dogsleds.

Oh, I see. Well, have him call me as soon as he comes in, will you?

It's very important-- a matter of life and death.

Thanks.

[ Bells Jingling ]

[ Man ] Mush!

Mush!

Driver, where's the other sled?

No speak English. Me Eskimo. Ugh.

And what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm an old dog driver from way back. Mush!

[ Dogs Barking ]

Oh, Mr. Thomas.

Mr. Thomas. Are you all right?

[ Mutters ] Why'd you have to slug me?

I didn't. You slugged yourself on that tree.

Was I out long? Not long. Can you sit up?

I guess so. Oh!

You're hurt!

It's nothing at all. Just a compound fracture of the skull.

I guess I deserved it though for playing the smart aleck.

You need first aid. I need peace and quiet.

Come on. Get up.

We'd better start back to the lodge, if we can find it.

Hey, look. Look. There's one of those emergency ski cabins.

How very convenient, Mr. Thomas.

Well, we can at least keep warm until they find us.

Keep still! How can I if you keep poking into it?

I'm trying to decide if it's too deep for iodine. Iodine?

In my first-aid course they told me that-- Oh, no. Never mind.

It's just a scratch, believe me. Thank you.

And anyway, I have something much better. There we go.

Well, you came very well-equipped, Mr. Thomas. Do we pour it on your head?

Is that the way you like it?

There's nothing wrong with my head.

I don't know. You're probably suffering from shock and exposure.

Oh, no. Just curiosity.

You went to quite some pains to get me alone. Why?

Pains is right. But that tree wasn't in the script.

Oh, here. Hold these a minute.

I hope you won't laugh at me, Miss Farley, but...

I've written an article about you for my little paper. You too?

Yes. Well, I wouldn't think of publishing it without having you read it first.

That's a new wrinkle anyway. So that's why I wanted an hour or so alone with you.

Here. If you don't mind, this is, uh--

Begins right--

"Few people know the true story behind Sara Farley.

"She's been hurt-- deeply hurt--

"by all the forces always arrayed against inherited wealth.

"She is a fine, warm human being...

"who has been taught to conceal her true emotions...

behind an icy wall."

Well! You-- Do you like it?

How could I help liking it? But you're not really going to print this, Mr, Thomas?

You know, I think it's time someone printed your side of the story,

a sort of rebuttal to people like that-- that Tyler.

Oh, let's forget him. Here's to Tyler. May he drop dead.

Well, is it accurate? Have I my facts straight?

Well, this isn't true that I'm engaged to André de Guyon.

He's just an amusing companion. And up here--

Well, look. Why don't you go through the whole thing, tell me the real story?

Then I can use quotes, make it authentic.

You see, with quotes from you, we can make that stuff that Tyler's been writing look sick.

Well, if you'd like. I'm not really that interesting.

Oh, you are to me. Go on. Tell me everything from the beginning.

And sometimes I wish I'd been born poor,

and then I kick myself and say, "Don't be an idiot,"

because I'm fond of all the things money can buy too.

Even André, who comes high, prices being what they are these days.

It's a very dull and prosaic story, and I've talked about myself much too long.

Oh, no, no. I could listen to you all night.

I've never told anyone these things before.

Have you enough for your article? Plenty.

I have your permission to quote you? Of course.

This is dynamite, for Tyler, that is.

Here's to Tyler. May he drop dead. May he drop dead.

I hate to think what he'd do with some of those quotes.

Well, he, uh-- he probably sees things from a slightly different angle.

Yes, through a keyhole. Oh, I-- I wouldn't be too hard on Tyler.

He has to make a living after all.

Not as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't.

Well, I do happen to know that he has a-- a fine record as a war correspondent.

That makes it even worse that he should stoop so low.

And let's not waste any more time talking about him.

Well, this article will fix him... but good.

You're not very experienced in newspaper work, are you, Mr. Thomas?

Tom. Are you, Tom?

Well, I make a living at it.

Don't print that article. What?

It'll only make you look foolish.

Me?

In the first place, it simply isn't good journalism.

I know, Tom. I'm the expert.

They started in on me when I was in kindergarten.

When I won a prize for deportment, there wasn't a line about it,

but it was front page news when I tried to scratch the eyes out...

of that little beast of a Vandermeer girl.

The great reading public isn't interested in normal human beings.

They want freaks, served up with all the trimmings.

In the second place, you know what they'll say about you-- Tyler and people like that?

That I took you in, made a fool of you,

even that I paid you to write about me favorably.

I'm grateful to you, Tom, for wanting to do it,

but it just isn't worth it.

Do you care what they say about me, Miss Farley?

Sara. Do you, Sara?

Yes, I do, Tom. Why?

Oh, I don't know. Because--

Because you're such a bad dog driver and because you get hurt so easily.

I don't want you to get hurt for my sake.

Then you'll become warped and cynical like the rest of them.

You're too nice for that.

Why are you looking at me like that, Tom?

As if you'd never seen me before.

Maybe it's the whiskey or the crack on the head I took.

Or maybe it's just you.

[ Man ] Hey! Anybody in there?

I guess we're being rescued.

I'm afraid we are.

Tom's room's over there.

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking Continues ] Come in.

Good morning, sir. Oh, good morning.

A little early, aren't you? It's 9:00, your usual time.

Sort of overslept yourself, didn't you?

I had a big night. Guess you was at the fire.

- What fire? - The old courthouse at Three Forks.

Here. It's in the local paper.

Burned to the ground. Nothing left of it.

Oh, a lot of folks went over from the lodge.

Yes, sir. We'll miss the old courthouse.

Lot of Sun Valley romances wound up there.

You know, we used to have two or three weddings a season.

Regular Gretchen Green, you might say.

Ow.

Uh, will that be all, sir?

Yes, yes. That'll be all. I'll sign that later.

[ Door Closes ]

Oh, hello. Let me speak to Miss Sara Farley, please.

[ Woman ] Miss Farley left word that she was not to be awakened until she called.

May I take a message? No, no. That'll be all right. Thanks.

Hello? Yeah, give me the transportation desk.

[ Man ] Transportation desk. When is the next train out of here?

9:35, sir. Well, this is Mr. Thomas speaking.

Can you get me a reservation on it? Anything?

But that's in half an hour. I'll be ready. Can you get me on it?

Yes, sir. Thanks.

Where are they? I'm starving.

So am I. I'll look and see.

Are they coming? André is, but I don't see Tom.

Why don't you and André go ahead and have lunch? Well!

Have you seen Tom? No, I haven't.

And as a matter of fact, I don't think you will either.

Why not? I inquired at the desk and found he's checked out.

Checked out? When? About an hour ago.

Without even saying anything? Why would he do that?

He had his reasons.

André, have you that wedding ring you're always flashing at me?

Why, yes, Sara dear. I have it right here. This is so sudden.

I only want to borrow it. Now, Sara.

That lying, sneaking brute, twisting everything I say.

How was Sun Valley, Miss Farley? Did you see Tom Tyler?

[ All Chattering ] Please! Please.

Is that a wedding ring? It's a secret?

Come on. Let's have the story. Tell us about it.

All right, gentlemen. All right.

Well, it was a most surprising thing really. It was love at first sight.

It happened at Sun Valley.

At first I disliked him intensely, but he swept me off my feet and we were married.

At last I've found a man with whom I can be really happy.

And to prove my love, I've-- I've settled a million dollars on him.

A million dollars! Who is it? The count?

Oh, no. Well, what's his name?

Well, who is it? Tell us.

Tom-Tom. Who?

Tom-Tom. Better known as Thomas Jefferson Tyler.

Tom Tyler? Oh, no!

Hey, are you kidding? How long has this been going on? Come on. Miss Farley!

You look wonderful, Jess. You too.

I ought to. I did nothing but sleep on the train.

Didn't you turn out any more copy? Yes.

We caught up on all the other stuff.

Yes, I did one more, and then the local gazette ran my picture and I had to beat it.

Thank you. [ Horn Honking ]

"In a way, the public has always misunderstood her.

"Few people know the true story behind Sara Farley.

"She has been hurt-- deeply hurt--

by all the forces always arrayed against inherited wealth."

You call this a detached viewpoint?

Well, you know, I got a different slant. It reads like a testimonial.

"She is a fine, warm human being"-- [ Chuckles ]

"who has been taught to conceal her true emotions behind an icy wall."

Let me tell you something, Duffy. She's not the kind of girl we thought she was.

Courier. Dispatch. Observer. Thanks. "Even as a"--

Findlay. Come in here.

What's the matter? What are you doing that for?

Findlay, get him out of here. Him? Why?

Get him out, or I'll print the next edition in his blood. Oh, no! Wait a minute.

Don't speak to me, you Benedict Arnold.

But this isn't true. It's a lie. It's a hoax-- Get him out of here!

Come on. Will you, please? No. I'm not going. You don't believe this.

Stabbed me in the back for a dirty million bucks. It's a lie.

I wouldn't believe your dying confession!

I'll get her on the phone. I'll prove it. Not one of our phones.

Get Mr. Sara Farley out of here! I'm trying to explain.

You two men like working here? Yeah. Why?

Sure. Well, he doesn't work here anymore.

So if you want to keep on working here, throw him out!

Shut up a minute. Please.

Hello? Hello. Is this the Farley residence?

Well?

All right. All right. I'll use the phone booth in the hall.

Out!

Tom, are you sure?

Am I sure what? You didn't fall for her?

Of course I didn't. She's not a woman. She's a corporate structure.

She asked for it, and she'll get it.

I'll write a series of articles about her that'll burn her to a crisp.

For what paper? What's that?

Remember? Duffy fired you. I can get another job.

I wonder, after everything that's happened.

All right then. I'll do the series for-- for Pravda.

They'll eat it up. Typical capitalist behavior.

Oh, Tom, be serious. The sensible thing is to demand a retraction.

From her? Not a chance. From the papers that ran the story.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I could do that.

Good. Will you drop me off at my place?

Wire the papers, and then try and get a good night's sleep.

Good night.

There he is! Can I have your autograph?

[ Squealing, Chattering ] Now, wait a minute!

Let go! Everybody, get away now. Go on home. Beat it.

Go away and let me alone.

Go on and mind your own business. Get away from me!

Mrs. Riley! Go away!

Mrs. Riley!

[ Screaming, Shouting ] Mrs. Ri--

You get out of here, you bunch of hoodlums!

This is a respectable house, and I don't want any trouble with any of you!

Thank you, Mrs. Riley. Mr. Tyler, you rascal, you.

Oh, no, please, Mrs. Riley.

How come you never said a word about it, you slyboots?

You dear boy, I could kiss you. Oh, no, no.

Oh, no, you don't! Don't you dare come into my house.

You get right out!

Every one of you, get out of my house and you stay out! You hear me?

[ Women Chanting ] We want Tyler! We want Tyler!

Hello. Get me Western Union.

Hello. Western Union? This is Lexington 2-1598. [ Chanting Continues ]

Yeah. I want to send a telegram to the Courier, Dispatch, Observer--

all the New York newspapers.

That's right. Now, this is the message:

I categorically de--

Hmm? Oh, never mind.

I positively deny that I am married to Sara Farley.

I demand an immediate retraction and apology.

Signed Thomas Jefferson Tyler.

Of course it's the truth! You send it just the way I gave it to you.

All right.

♪ We want Tyler, we want Tyler We want Tyler ♪

♪ [ Loud Big Band ]

♪ [ Volume Down ]

[ Man On Radio ] Slicko, gentlemen, gives the hair that smooth gloss...

that makes you irresistible to the ladies.

As irresistible as Romeo was to Juliet,

as Anthony was to Cleopatra,

as Tom-Tom Tyler was to Sara Farley.

Dedicating the next number to this romantic pair,

you will now hear a new recording of an old favorite,

"Thanks a Million."

♪ [ Big Band ]

[ Tom ] Who is it? It's me, Mrs. Riley.

Are you alone? Yes, dear.

Come in. I made your breakfast myself.

Never mind about that. Did you get those papers? Here they are.

Mr. Tyler,

I hope you'll disregard that foolish note I sent you...

about last month's rent.

I should have realized your head was up in the clouds...

and you had no time for sordid and mundane things.

Ah.

[ Groans ] Something wrong, Mr. Tyler?

Everything's wrong. Aw, it can't be that bad, Mr. Tyler.

A little tiff, a lover's spat.

I always say the course of true love never runs smoothly.

A little sun and a little shade makes the fairest day.

Get out of here! Why, Mr. Tyler.

Get out! Mr. Tyler.

Get out of here right now. It's a good thing you've got a million dollars.

Get out!

Mr. Tyler! Only $1,500, and it's yours.

Take it away! I'm not interested. But you don't understand.

- It works. - Oh.

[ Chattering ]

Hi, Findlay. Hello, Findlay.

Well? [ Scoffs ]

But this is crazy. Look, you've got to explain to him.

Tell him that I-- I can't. You know Duffy. He won't listen. Beer, Joe.

Yes, sir. How's it going, Cinderella Man?

You don't happen to have a couple of grand in small bills on you.

Lay off, Eddie. Duffy's fired him.

So he's an unemployed millionaire. My heart bleeds.

Joe, a round of drinks on Mr. Farley.

Wait a minute. I'm not married to-- Have a fight already?

How can you argue with a million bucks?

Maybe he doesn't want to get measured for his polo mallet.

Here's mud on your spats. Why don't you two guys mind your own--

Take your tired jokes back to the bar.

Listen, Tom. Why don't you go home?

If Sara's there, maybe she'll convince you too.

Well, anyway, go home. If Duffy comes in here, there's gonna be trouble.

No, I can't go home. The hall's full of guys trying to sell me things.

Real estate, insurance, perpetual motion machines, yachts.

How can I prove I'm not married to that dame? How would you prove it?

Oh, I'm married already. My wife hasn't got a yacht to her name.

Jess, will you marry me?

What? I said, will you marry me?

It'll prove it. Don't you see?

I'm not going to marry you just to prove that you're not married to her.

All your life you've been railing against her kind of woman--

useless, troublemakers, parasites.

You're not gonna let her get away with this, are you? Well, I don't--

See it my way. We can go right down to city hall. Hey, what is this?

Please, Jess. Let's go.

I'll tell Duffy. You phone from the city hall. I'll call you from down there.

Cinderella Man weds. Wait till Sara hears about this.

Can I ride down with you?

Hello? I want to speak to Miss Sara Farley. Johnson of the Courier.

Oh. Well, just tell her her husband's getting married.

That's what I said. He just went down to the city hall.

Look, I don't know what kind of license you fellows want, but this ain't the place for it.

What's keeping the clerk?

Probably can't read your signature on the application.

Thomas Jefferson Tyler and Jessica Wood? Yes.

Mr. Conovan, the chief clerk, would like to see you in his office. Right this way.

Excuse me.

What's up? Chief clerk don't confide in me.

You can't go in there.

What's Conovan want? Give us a break.

You Thomas Jefferson Tyler, Jessica Woods?

[ Both ] Yes. These the two that applied for the license, Fisher?

Yes, sir. What's this all about?

You may not know it, Miss Woods, but this man already has a wife.

I have not. He's marrying me.

He's married to Sara Farley. Here it is all over the front page.

I'm not married to anybody, and I insist that you give me a license.

I can't be a party to a conspiracy to commit bigamy.

You got any proof that you're not married to Sara Farley?

Well, you know no one can prove that they're not married.

Nobody issues certificates of non-marriage.

You gotta take my word for it. I'm not married to Sara Farley.

Tom-Tom!

How can you say that?

We had a little quarrel. I'm sorry, darling, and I forgive you.

You forgive me? Now you cut this out. This is--

This must be so awkward for you, my dear.

I'm terribly sorry, but Tom-Tom is married to me and--

When were we married? Have you forgotten already?

Where were we married?

You shouldn't do this to me, and on our honeymoon, too, just because you're angry with me.

It's so embarrassing. [ Shouts ] Where were we married?

Don't shout, dear. We shouldn't air our quarrels in public.

She's lying! I'm not married to Miss Farley! Give me a license to marry Miss Woods!

Stop shouting at me. You ought to be ashamed, pulling such a scurvy trick.

You're here to serve the public. I'm one of the public. I insist on my rights!

Let go! Take him out. You're denying me my rights by force.

That man is setting up a moral censorship,

when all he was ever commissioned to do was to grant licenses to citizens!

[ Door Slams ]

I just don't understand it, Jess.

I'm absolutely innocent, and I lost my job, can't go home.

I can't even get married. No civil rights.

I'm like a man without a country.

Also, I'm hungry.

Let's have dinner at my place. Have any money?

I think I spent it all on taxi fare.

We have four dollars. Come on. Oh, fine.

Jess! This is a Farley store.

Look. There's the caviar.

Come on. Here. Give me a hand with these.

Take these, huh? Tom, we only have four dollars.

Never mind about the money. I'm married to a rich woman.

Come on. Bring your basket along here. Wait. We'll get another one.

Tom, you'll never get away with this. Huh? Sure I will.

We can't possibly eat all this stuff.

Never mind. We'll put it away someplace.

Thank you very much.

3.65. Where do you keep the champagne?

- No champagne, sir. - No champagne?

5.75. A low type of store.

Probably have boll weevils in the flour.

5.11. Oh, no, sir. 6.85.

Oh, you can stop that counting. That isn't necessary.

Thirty, 40. Oh, yes, sir. I have to. 9.40.

10.35. You don't think I'm gonna pay for this, do you?

I own this stuff.

13.80. Mr. Bissell!

Ninety-five. Mr. Bissell!

Yes? [ Muttering ]

This man doesn't want to pay. 19.45.

I mean he-- 21.45.

Sir, let's have no trifling with the clerks, if you please.

19.45. Perhaps you don't know who I am.

Here. Take a look at that. 21.45.

Mr. Farley! I-I mean, Mr. Tyler.

Well, well. This is an honor!

To be chosen out of all the Farley stores!

I'm so pleased, Miss Farley. I'm not Miss Farley.

- This is Miss Woods, my fiancée. - How do you do?

Your fiancée? But-- But you're--

- My wife is very broad-minded. - Five.

52.30. Stop counting!

Now I've lost count.

Never mind. I hope--

I mean, well, congratulations. Thank you.

Pick up a couple of bags, Jessica dear, and let's go home to dinner.

There we are. Good night. Thank you.

I don't know what we're going to do with all this stuff.

You can give it away if you like. There's plenty more where this came from.

We could start another grocery store. This has great possibilities.

Jessica? This has even greater possibilities.

Like what? Can--

Not so fast-- Oh, sonny?

Huh? Here. Is that your sister?

Uh-huh. Well, you take that home to Mother now.

Gee. Thanks! Oh, thanks.

I won't be home to dinner, dear. Where are you going?

I'm going to call on my wife.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Yes? Oh, hello. Is Mrs. Tyler in?

Who, sir? I'm Mr. Tyler, Miss Farley's husband.

Oh, yes, sir. Won't you please come in?

Miss Sara-- I mean, Mrs. Tyler didn't tell me you were coming.

My congratulations, sir. Thank you.

I'm Barret, sir. Oh, thank you, Barret. Is she in?

No, sir. She's out for the evening. Oh.

Well, I'll see her later. Do you have a spare room for me?

Oh, certainly, sir. Adjoining Miss--

Adjoining Mrs. Tyler, sir. Oh.

This way, please.

May I say, sir, that the staff was delighted with your articles?

You liked them? I saw right through them, sir.

Hmm? I even predicted the marriage, sir.

Won $180 from the staff. Well, have they paid off yet?

They will at the end of the month, sir. It was child's play.

I recognized it immediately, sir.

A kind of left-handed romance,

the devastating criticism of a man in love.

That's a nice deduction. Rather obvious, if I may say so, sir.

The writer of those articles was trying to avoid showing his affection.

Do you happen to know where she went, Barret?

She's dining at the Whitsons'.

The where? The Whitsons', sir.

The Whitsons'? Yes, sir.

This one, sir.

Miss Sara's parents left Mr. Whitson in charge of the Farley chain.

Frankly, sir, he doesn't know his wholesale from his retail.

Barret? Yes, sir?

Get me a cab.

Yes, sir.

[ Doorbell Buzzing ] ♪ [ Orchestral ]

This the Whitson residence? Yes, sir.

Is Miss Sara Farley here? Who shall I say's calling, sir?

Mr. Tom-Tom Tyler, the Cinderella Man.

I'm Miss Farley's husband.

[ Door Closes ] Darling.

Mr. Tom-Tom Tyler.

It's your last chance to call it off. No.

You'll have to excuse us. We're still on our honeymoon.

Well, dear, you might at least introduce me.

Oh. This is Mrs. Whitson, our hostess.

Oh, Mrs. Whitson. How do you do?

I understood you were too ill to accept tonight, Mr. Tyler.

Oh, he is. He's going right home, aren't you, dear?

Well, I should say not. I feel wonderful.

My husband, Mr. Tyler. Oh, how do you do, Mr. Whitson?

How do you do? Oop!

First one I've missed in years.

Mr. and Mrs. Vickers. How do you do, Mrs. Vickers?

How do you do? Mr. Vickers.

How do you do? And my favorite auntie. Hello.

Is it true that you've given up newspaper work? Yes, dear.

I'm going in for pigeon hunting.

Miss Clayton. Oh, Miss Clayton, how do you do?

Mr. Sharpe. How do you do?

Mr. Sharpe. Oh, and Count André de Guyon.

Why, André, how are you? Good evening.

Mrs. Whitson, this sounds like a wonderful party.

I always have wanted to mingle with the filthy rich.

But you know, I can't afford one of those monkey suits,

and Sara hasn't bought me my trousseau yet.

Darling, you look feverish. I really don't think you should stay.

Oh, no. I feel like a million dollars.

A million dol-- That's pretty good, huh? The old bean's working fine.

Ah, there. Thank you very mu-- Oh.

Get out of here.

Not unless you holler "uncle" and make a public statement that we're not married.

Not on your life. Oh!

Oh.

No. No, thanks. I'll stick with my peanuts.

Goobers, they call 'em where I come from. [ Shell Cracks ]

And where is that, Mr. Tyler?

Oh, the hills of West Virginny. God's own country.

Yep, I grew up there as a barefoot boy with nothin' more than a green thumb...

and a natural talent for making an eight the hard way.

But I did all right. I got Sara. Ow!

His foot just happened to fit the glass slipper.

You know, it's funny. Ma always used to say, "Marry a rich girl."

"Feather your nest," she said. "It can't hurt."

She was right. Guess she must still be watching over me.

Has your mother passed on, Mr. Tyler? Oh, no, no, no.

She's still up there in the cabin on the mountain.

"The old widdy of Mount Baldy" they call her.

Why, she's about 70 now. Frail and white-haired.

Yep, I can see her there now,

smoking that old corncob pipe that Dad left her.

Yes, indeed. You know, Sara?

We'll have her come and live with us. She's a wonderful gal.

Why, she chews tobacco just like Dad, only better.

She can drown a beetle at 20 paces. Oh, she's-- You'll love her.

Yes, from the stories Tom tells me,

Mother Tyler is terribly quite an independent. Mm-hmm.

Tell them about the time she shot the government agent. Uh--

Oh, well, you don't have to hide anything here. We have tax trouble too.

Or do you think it would be carrying things too far?

Why, no, no. You mean about the time that the revenuers surrounded the still,

and Ma came out with the-- Yes, that was the time.

Why, sure. Now come on. You get over there, pretend that you're the agent--

Oh, no. Why don't you let Mrs. Vickers be the agent?

Well, if you insist. Uh-- Why--

Oh! Whoops! We busted our beads.

Well, don't worry about that. There's plenty more where those came from.

I never could resist these stories, 'cause I'm mighty proud of my family's doings.

Oh. Now, Mrs. V., if you'll just step right over here...

and pretend like you're one of those government varmints hiding behind an old pine tree.

He'd have to pick a big one just like you would. Why--

That's all right. Just step right back here. That's fine. You stay there.

Ma was down by the cabin, standing guard with her squirrel gun.

Oh.

Ma was quite a shot, when she was sober.

Well, Uncle Porter-- He's my half-wit uncle with the hives.

Uncle Porter was heating up the mash and starting in to sweat out about a 40 gallon...

of the prettiest mountain dew that ever invited snakes to a picnic.

Well, Ma suddenly spies that government varmint.

His treasury pallor give him away.

So she throws a sight on him and--

Hey. Hey! [ Door Opens ]

[ Tires Screech ]

Not tonight, dear. Good night.

- Well, it's about time. - How did you get in here?

Where have you been since your rude exit from the Whitsons'?

I was at the Stork Club with André. The Stork Club. A fine thing.

Get out of here right now! Shh! [ Whispers ] Remember the servants.

What are you doing here? I've been waiting for you for hours.

I made some sandwiches, I brought you some milk, and then I waited some more.

How did I know you weren't killed or something? You worried about me.

Well, if you'd been killed, I'd never been able to prove I wasn't married to you.

[ Scoffs ]

Now will you go home? Oh, but I am home. I live here.

I'm Mr. Farley, or you're Mrs. Tyler. Remember?

Oh, a fine wife you are.

Still a bride and already you're out with another man.

Oh!

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You gonna marry this De Guyon?

That's none of your business.

Mm-mmm. No answer. I gave all the servants the night off.

- You gave them the night off? - Sure. I'm the new man of the house.

Oh, I'll-- I'll call the police! Good!

Tell 'em I'm not your husband, please.

Don't let me go through life with that blot on my record.

You may as well get this straight. You're not going to get out of this.

I'm going to devote my life to making you miserable--

especially after what you did at the Whitsons' tonight.

Why, I just showed pride in my family.

Have a goober?

You're going to get out of here if I have to throw you out myself!

Wrong build. Nice, but wrong for the job.

Why don't you try slugging me with a few old diamonds?

Hey! Hey, no, no! Hey!

Hey, look out! Hey, look out there! Hey, put those down. Wait a minute!

Have you gone crazy?

Look-- I-- [ Indistinct ] Let me go!

Now you listen to me. I lost my job, my friends hoot at me, [ Muffled Shouts ]

my girl feels foolish, and you get playful.

Ow! Now listen.

You just listen to me for a minute, and then I'll let you talk.

Okay? Did you hear me? [ Muffled Shout ]

All right. Now, first of all--

I smell like the Rose Parade. That's your opinion.

Let's stop being silly and get serious. Oh, certainly.

When you get hurt it's serious.

Now, my attorneys happen to have checked on you,

and you haven't learned to make an eight the hard way.

You're a fair writer, but you're unscrupulous.

And you're a wolf. That's a lie.

Stella, Joan, Lucy, Martha, Tillie, Patsy, Lucille-- Deedee?

Poppy, Vera, Nancy and Jessica--

a round dozen.

I see you like the athletic type too.

Deedee-- a pitcher on a girls' baseball team.

Probably had quite a windup.

And Tillie, professionally known as the Titillating Twister from Tennessee.

You gave her a fox scarf and then took it back. She gave it back.

Oh, yes. She decided you weren't steady enough.

No sense of responsibility.

A gangster's moll too.

Don't remember Patsy?

You had to go into hiding until her boyfriend got caught, remember?

Yeah, well, I-- I was just after a story.

Anyhow, she was in hiding with me. Don't brag.

Two F.B.I. men were with you.

According to the record, you're much worse than I am.

So where do you get the right to criticize me in print?

Okay. You through? Not with you.

You're going to be mud in the public eye until I change my mind, Cinderella Man.

You sure? Mm-hmm.

Positive? Mm-hmm.

Okay, darling. I give in.

I surrender. I'm your husband.

Put out the cat, dear, and let's turn off the lights.

Well, what are you so surprised about? I'm still your husband.

Now wait a minute. Come to your Tom-Tom.

Go away!

You maniac! But I love you, dear, as I have a legal right to do.

Go away! Stop it! Do you want this marriage to be a farce,

a travesty on conjugal bliss?

Didn't you promise to love and cherish me? Well?

All right, all right. You win.

A signed statement that I'm not married to you, hmm? All right.

I'll sign it in the morning. Now go home. Oh, no.

We're going right down to the Chronicle office now.

- There's plenty of time for the late edition. - But I've got to see my lawyer.

- I can't sign anything. - Now!

All right. And this better not be a gag, darling.

Hello? Hello, Duffy?

Listen, I'm bringing Sara Farley right down to the Chronicle office.

Yeah. Meet me there. You'll get her signed statement and a story to top all Farley stories!

What are you in a huff about? I'm the injured party.

After all, other reporters wrote things about you too. Why pick on me?

Because you pried into my personal life, wormed your way into my confidence...

and then twisted everything I said.

Well, it was-- it was my job.

Well, I'm still hungry.

It just occurred to me I could've used a sandwich myself.

And there's a lunchroom up ahead.

They say truck drivers always find the places that serve good food.

[ Brakes Squeal ]

♪ [ Big Band ]

You know, in a way, this has sort of been fun.

Well, shall we-- shall we go? Mmm, no.

Mmm, I mean, down to the paper.

I understood you. I said no.

We've got to get there before the deadline. Duffy'll be waiting for us. No!

Sara, you're not going to start this all over again. [ Loudly ] I'm not going.

Shh! Don't shush me.

Sara, please. I've changed my mind.

Fine thing. Every time I eat, you get richer.

Come on. Let go of me, you monster.

Oh, no-- Don't you dare hit me!

Why not? You're my wife. What's up, bud?

It's just a little family argument. She's my wife.

I am not! What?

Repeat that-- louder. Listen, you're a witness.

Are you going to stand there and let him hit me? Nope.

They're married, Herman. It's legal. Don't mix in.

Who's mixin'?

[ Sniffing ] You smell nice!

What you got on? I'll get some for my wife. [ Men Sniffing ]

Oh--

Oh, Sara, now--

Herman, I'm chairman of the local, ain't I?

I said we don't mix in. Just a minute.

You keep out of this. I got a right to disagree, don't I? What about the bylaws?

Gentlemen, please. Let's take a vote.

What's the resolution? Do we got a right to mix in another union's troubles?

That's the resolution. Get me the sheriff's office.

- Please, gentlemen-- - Excuse us, lady. It's illegal to influence the voting.

Two-thirds vote or simple majority? Majority.

I'd like some discussion on this subject-- point of information.

Now, gentlemen, just a minute. He's calling you a gentleman, so answer him, stupid.

Are you a member of the Truck Drivers Local?

Well, I-- No. Well, then shut up!

Oh, Sara! Wait a minute. We ain't even voted yet.

No, but she's going! Wait a minute. You started this.

Now you can wait till we count the votes. [ Car Engine Starts ]

[ Arguing, Indistinct ]

[ Crashing ]

You shouldn't have done it, Herman. He was out of order, wasn't he?

Well, you should have appealed to the chair. Oh, you brute!

Now, lady, is that parliamentary? I warned you, Herman.

It's purely jurisdictional, just like you said. Oh.

[ Siren Wailing ] Tom! You would have a glass jaw.

Tom. Wake up.

Wake up! What's the matter with you?

[ Sputters ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Man ] I won't be long.

Come on. Get up there. Here comes His Honor.

Can't see why they have to get you up at all hours, Homer.

Gotta do my duty, Martha. A regular crime wave we've been having.

[ Clears Throat ] Court's in session. What's the charge, Sheriff?

Disturbing the peace, rioting, drunk and disorderly and assault.

But this is ridiculous. That'll be five dollars or five days.

But it isn't true. I was merely trying-- Now it's $10 or 10 days.

- But I have a right to see a lawyer. - Now it's $20 or 20 days.

If you want to make it more, just keep on talkin'.

But you can't do this to her, Judge. Don't you know who she is?

Don't know and I don't care. Now it's $30 or 30 days.

But this is Sara Farley, the grocery store heiress. Sixty.

She'll take this courthouse, and-- Oh, Tom, stop it, please.

I'll pay. How much is it?

Sixty dollars, like the judge said.

Well, I haven't any money with me, but if you'll let me use the phone--

Lock her up, Dan. [ Laughing ]

What's so funny? I was just thinking about you and your millions.

I shouldn't think you'd laugh. Now I can't make that statement to your editor.

It's too late for the morning papers, but I'll bail you out tomorrow in time to sign it.

- Why, you-- - None of that now. Come along.

Take her away, Sheriff. Good night, Your Honor.

- Thank you for restoring my faith in human nature. - Wait a minute.

Come here, boy.

Who? Me?

[ Laughing ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Snorting, Groaning ]

♪ Oh, give me land lots of land ♪

♪ Neath the starry skies above ♪

♪ Don't fence me in Let me ride-- ♪ Shut up!

Why, Tom. Don't you like my singing?

I am trying to sleep.

On our honeymoon?

[ Snoring Continues ]

[ Sighs ]

- Tom? - What?

I'm cold. If I could get at you, I'd warm you up but good.

Darling, you have got a terrible disposition, haven't you?

I'll, uh, tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you my coat. Well!

Don't tell me under that rude exterior lurks the soul of a gentleman.

That's not all that lurks there.

Thanks, pal. You're welcome.

You know, it could be a lot worse. Suppose we were really married.

Huh-uh. My imagination doesn't carry that far.

A lot of girls would be very glad to marry me.

Well, I suppose if a girl kept the keyholes plugged up...

and looked under her pillow for microphones every night-- You get this straight.

This is the first time in my life I ever took an assignment like that.

Why'd you take it then?

Well, I, uh-- I like to ski, and I saw a chance...

to get a vacation at Sun Valley on-- on the paper.

Don't you ever do anything honestly?

I did once. Never again. When?

You remember that article you read in the cabin up there?

Oh, yes-- the bait for your filthy little trap.

Well, I admit that's why I wrote it.

But, uh, funny part of it is that I turned it in to Duffy just the way you read it.

You're lying.

No! Ask Duffy.

Listen, I'm not proud of it. No man likes it to get around that he's soft in the head.

He'd probably have fired me for it anyhow even if you hadn't given out that story.

And he'd have been right. A reporter's supposed to dish out facts, not moonshine.

You shouldn't be so self-critical, darling.

You should leave that to your wife. My wife?

I've always wanted to be someone's severest critic.

Listen, you're not going back on your promise. You're gonna sign that statement tomorrow.

How can I? Thanks to you, I'm stuck here for 60 days.

You won't get out of it that easily.

That lunatic of a judge will have to let us use the phone in the morning.

Then you can call that gigolo of yours.

Better yet, I could call the press. Can't you see the headlines?

"Tom-Tom and heiress honeymoon in jail. Lovers' tiff lands glamour couple in the clink."

You wouldn't. Oh, wouldn't I?

Apparently your education hasn't been completed yet.

[ Groans ]

[ Whistling ]

Could I have a cigarette, Tom?

It's the last one. Oh, one puff then. Please.

Well, you don't deserve it, but here.

Ah-ah! I'll hold it.

I can't reach it there, Tom.

[ Groans ] Here.

Is that better? Perfect.

Oww! Oh, you cannibalistic little-- Give me back my cigarette!

Give me that cigarette, do you hear? ♪ Give me land, lots of land ♪

♪ Neath the starry skies above ♪ Give me back that cigarette right--

- ♪ Don't fence me in ♪ - Oh, I should have known better than to trust you!

Give me that cigarette! ♪ Let me ride through the wide open country that I love ♪

♪ Don't fence me in ♪ Give me that cigarette right now!

♪ [ Scatting ] I should've-- [ Shouts ] Judge!

Judge!

Cut out that racket! What's going on in here?

What's all this noise about? Just wait'll I get my hands on you!

She bit me, Judge. She bit you?

How in the world could she--

I don't know how you done it, but don't do it again.

Ten, 20, 30,

40, 50, 60.

There you are, Your Honor. Is that correct? Yep.

And, uh, here's $20 for you personally. Uh--

Are you trying to bribe me? Oh, no, Your Honor.

Attempted bribery. I fine you $20.

Well, it's not my money. Let's go.

[ Man ] Well, time's a-wasting, boys. [ Chattering ]

Right there.

Thank you. Now don't crowd around, fellas.

Darling, what a terrible experience.

It wasn't so bad. It reminded me a little of your château, especially the plumbing.

How about a statement? Is it true that you and Tom-Tom have had a fight?

We had a little disagreement. I'm sure you wouldn't want to pry into the reasons for it.

But Tom-Tom has apologized. [ Men Exclaiming ]

And now you can say we're very, very happy.

[ Chattering ] What have you got to say?

[ Tom ] No comment. Judge, how much is his bail?

Sixty dollars. Pay it, André.

[ Man #1 ] She's going to bail you out. [ Man #2 ] I wish I had a rich wife.

No, she's not gonna pay my bail. [ Sara ] Why, Tom-Tom.

I'll stay right here in jail. You meet a better class of people.

[ Man #1 ] That's tellin' 'em. [ Man #2 ] How about a statement?

You want a quote from me? Okay then, take this.

Rather than accept one nickel of her tainted money,

I'll rot here in jail for the rest of my life.

[ Man #1 ] That's tellin' 'em. [ Man #2 ] Hold it. Hold it.

My poor darling.

In all my experience, I have never met a more frightful cad.

Imagine turning down your generous offer. Can't you imagine it, André?

Of course not. If the man were a gentleman-- He'd have accepted my money.

Yes, as a matter of simple courtesy.

It's the first time anyone ever insulted me by turning down my money.

Well, it just shows how far he'll go to demonstrate his hatred.

Hatred?

Do you think he really hates me, André?

Well, naturally. You want him to hate you, don't you?

Yes. Yes, of course.

You can't really blame him. You've made him a national laughingstock.

You're right, André.

But now I--

now I think it's time to deny the story.

As you say, I've accomplished everything I set out to.

A very wise decision, my dear.

After all, you can't go on pretending that you're married to him...

and then marry someone else--

someone who really has something in common with you.

[ Tom ] That's why I didn't show up with her. I got knocked out and thrown into jail.

Every paper in town beat us to it again. But I couldn't call you.

I was locked up. [ Intercom Buzzes ]

Yes? [ Woman ] Mr. Ketchell is here.

Ask him to wait. I've got a way out of this.

I'm gonna prove I'm not married to her.

I'm leaving town this afternoon. I'm going up to Maine or Canada or someplace,

and I'm really going to get married.

Let Sara Farley charge me with bigamy. Married? Whom are you marrying?

Jessica, of course. We'll come back with this whole thing licked.

That Farley dame will just look silly. I'll keep in touch with you.

After the ceremony just let me write the story.

Jessica, eh? That's rather drastic, isn't it? I mean, rushing into marriage just--

[ Fingers Snap ] There might be another way out of this.

[ Intercom Clicks ] Send Ketchell in here.

There's the man to help us. Ketchell? How?

He's a lawyer. Well, what of it?

We can sue Sara Farley and have the facts established in a court of law.

No, you're not getting me in any deeper. I've had enough of this.

Tyler, you've made this newspaper a laughingstock. Newsboys sneer at me as I go by.

Why? Because every paper in town beat us on our own yarn. They did not. It's not true.

I'm not married to Sara Farley. That's what you say. But can you prove it?

No. No. Now, you're responsible for this.

You can repay me in some small measure for what you've done to me.

Come on in. If I marry Jess--

We can not only prove we were right and they fell for a gag, we can get an exclusive story,

because you'll be the plaintiff, and you'll be covering the story for us.

Who are we suing this morning? Sara Farley.

Why? Won't she give him his allowance? Oh, very funny. Huh!

Sara claims she's Tyler's wife, and Tyler's suing for libel.

Do you mean to imply, sir, that this beautiful specimen of American womanhood,

this veritable flower of ravishing femininity who represents--

How much? A hundred million?

Merely claims that she's married to you, and you want to sue her for libel?

Don't make a campaign speech out of it. Now, you can sue for defamation of character,

damage to his reputation and livelihood,

holding him up to public ridicule and great mental anguish.

How does it strike you? I don't know.

Why don't you sue for divorce and get a fat settlement? Because I'm not married to her.

Can we win? Well, if he's telling the truth we can.

He's been damaged, all right-- damaged to the tune of a million dollars.

I don't care about the money. Just get me out of that mess.

We'll save our face, and we'll get an exclusive on a great story.

File suit right away. Draw up the papers.

This gets you out of the nutcracker. Maybe-- and maybe it'll be worse.

More headlines about me. That's not getting me out.

A legal decision will be better than this, won't it?

I'd like to see Thomas Tyler, please.

Name? Sara Farley.

Freddie.

Miss Sara Farley to see Mr. Tyler.

Oh, right this way, Miss Farley.

Just a minute, Freddie. I'll take care of this.

What are you doing here? You making a career out of hounding me?

I just came to give your editor the statement. You're gonna get the surprise--

What? I'll sign the statement.

You mean it? It's no gag?

What made you change your mind? Oh, a lot of things.

Your glass jaw, and your gallantry in giving me your coat last night,

and-- and sharing your last cigarette with me,

and-- and it suddenly stopped being fun, Tom.

I don't want you thinking I'm hard and vindictive, because,

well, I wouldn't want anyone to think that.

Oh, I knew I was right about you. That's what I told Duffy.

That isn't what you wrote. No, but he didn't have a chance to run the last installment.

That was the only one that was legitimate, on the level and flattering too.

Oh, what a relief this is. You're a great girl, Sara.

Duffy won't believe this, but I told him.

I said you weren't the girl that we started to write about. I knew you'd come through.

Sit down over here. I'll see if he's in his office and break the good news to him.

Don't go away. Oh, I could kiss you for this.

In fact, I think I will.

[ Laughs ]

Miss Sara Farley? Yes.

Thank you.

♪ [ Whistling ]

Duffy, look at this stuff.

Everything was going fine till you hit her with that summons. Just bad timing, that's all.

Anyway, we've tried to explain, we've tried to apologize, and she wouldn't listen.

Now she'll get what's coming to her. She'll get what's coming to her?

Maybe you don't know what's happening.

This morning an old lady hit me over the head with an umbrella. What for?

She said she was doing it in the name of American womanhood.

Go on! Are you afraid of a few women?

[ Woman ] There he is!

[ Chattering, Shouting ]

And now, Mr.Tyler, I am certain that you will agree that...

you could hardly have forgotten such an important event as your marriage, could you?

You have a good memory? I have a very good memory, Mr. Prosecutor.

As a matter of fact, I recall that you asked me that same question about 20 minutes ago.

I am not a prosecutor, Mr. Tyler.

I am the legal counsel for the defendant, which you very well know.

The plaintiff will refrain from further sarcasm. Proceed with the examination.

You remember everything that happened at Sun Valley, for instance?

Yes. Do you remember falling off a dogsled...

and being knocked unconscious? Yes.

Memory doesn't function during an unconscious period, does it, Mr. Tyler?

I mean, if you were unconscious, you couldn't very well remember...

what happened while you were unconscious, could you?

- Nothing happened while I was unconscious. - How do you know?

Well, I-- Nothing happened.

[ Counsel ] Isn't it possible that while you were in this condition...

you might have done quite a number of things you don't remember?

I remember everything. Isn't it possible that after the accident in the sled,

you visited the local justice of the peace?

No, it is not possible. I've just told you I remember everything.

I resent your attempts to make me appear an idiot.

Your Honor, do I have to stand for this?

The matter of who is or who is not an idiot has not been brought into this action.

The witness will answer the questions.

[ Counsel ] By the way, Mr. Tyler,

while you were serving as a war correspondent,

were you ever wounded or injured in any way?

Yes, but I assume that's no crime.

Seriously enough to be hospitalized? Yes.

Would you tell the court what was the nature of your injury?

I was struck on the head by shell fragments.

Which resulted in a loss of memory? Yes, but it was only temporary.

Objection. This line of questioning is irrelevant and immaterial.

It seems to me that whether or not the plaintiff had a good memory...

has a great deal of bearing on this case.

- The objection is overruled. - Thank you, Your Honor.

And now, Mr. Tyler, according to your deposition,

it is your contention that you are the helpless victim of a diabolical plot...

on the part of the defendant. That is definitely my contention.

It is the whim of this evil and designing woman to wreck your life?

That's exactly what she's trying to do.

Isn't it just the other way around, Mr. Tyler?

Didn't you lure this young woman to a cabin in Sun Valley?

I did not lure her. Well, did she invite you there?

- No, but-- - Then how did it happen you were there with her?

- Well, I wanted to be alone with her-- - Ah, you did?

You wanted to be alone with her in the seclusion of a cabin in the woods...

where you subsequently-- You're putting the wrong connotation on this.

[ Counsel ] Well, what other connotation could be placed upon it, Mr. Tyler?

The truth! You're making it appear as though I had a personal interest,

whereas I was only collecting material for my articles, nothing else.

Now, Mr. Tyler, I ask you to look at the defendant.

In your articles, you described her rather flatteringly.

Do you still agree that she has charm?

I do. She's young and desirable.

- Yes, she is. - Then she'd naturally attract the attention of most men.

I suppose she might. And yet you maintain that while you were collecting material...

for your articles, the defendant was so overcome by your manly charms,

your magnetic personality and beauty,

that without any encouragement from you, she dreamed up a fraudulent marriage to you...

and threw her considerable fortune at your feet.

[ Spectators Murmuring ]

[ Counsel ] And although you had never seen him before,

you permitted him to enter the house because he said he was her husband?

Yes, sir. I gave him the room adjoining hers.

I was always put in the guesthouse.

Was he still there when she returned? I don't know, sir.

He gave me the night off. He assumed the rights of the man of the house?

Yes, sir. Was he still there on the following morning...

when you brought up your mistress's breakfast to her? No, sir.

But there were signs of a struggle or some unpleasantness, sir.

Huh? What signs?

Broken perfume bottles, sir.

Did it look as if she had defended herself against violence?

Objection. Presumption on part of the witness and leading question.

- I know where it's leading. - So do I, counselor.

Objection sustained.

[ Murmurings ]

And the plaintiff charged these purchases to the Farley account?

Sixty-seven dollars and eighty-four cents, we estimate.

And you permitted him to charge such a large amount?

Well, he said he was her husband.

Of course, I thought it was very odd. What was odd?

Well, he said he was married to Miss Farley.

Then he pointed to that woman there...

and introduced her as his fiancée.

[ Murmurings ]

[ Counsel ] Having heard the accusations of the plaintiff, Mrs. Tyler,

would you be kind enough to tell the jury your reaction to them?

Oh, I forgive him. He doesn't really mean it.

She forgives me?

I think you deserve a lot of credit for your forbearance, Mrs. Tyler.

Now, Mrs. Tyler-- Objection. Defense counsel constantly addresses...

the witness as Mrs. Tyler to influence the jury.

But she is Mrs. Tyler. We dispute that.

We're here to prove that she's not Mrs. Tyler.

Sustained. It'll be stricken from the record.

Perhaps you may address the witness as, uh, Sara?

Yes.

Sara.

Now, Sara, you met Mr. Tyler at Sun Valley? Yes.

Can you tell us what happened at Sun Valley?

Oh, it was just wonderful, because we fell in love. [ Fingers Snap ]

- Just like that. - Just like that, eh?

Now, Sara, ordinarily a woman has too much pride to contest a lawsuit like this.

Will you please tell the jury why you're contesting?

Well, because I know he loves me.

After all, he came to the Whitson dinner party because he couldn't keep away from me.

And if he had no emotional interest in me, he wouldn't have wanted to... strike me.

That's why he broke into the house at 3:00 in the morning.

A woman knows about those things.

He was so jealous of the Count de Guyon.

But even though he was in a jealous rage he was so sweet.

He went down to the kitchen and got sandwiches and milk.

Well, I was hungry.

Of course, he hates rich people. He blames me for having money.

He does?

He's the only man I've ever met who really isn't interested in my money.

A man often reveals things without knowing it.

I guess we both fell in love before we knew it.

[ Counsel ] Well, Sara, if he isn't interested in money, and he loves you,

why do you think he's suing you?

Well, sometimes... he's a heel.

I object, Your Honor. [ Judge ] Sustained.

Question led to an opinion on the part of the witness, and was so designed.

However, it has become increasingly clear...

that there are rather unusual factors behind the testimony so far given.

The court cannot disregard certain emotional implications...

which apparently have remained undetected by opposing counsel.

Therefore, I shall ask both litigants and their attorneys to meet with me in my chambers.

Meanwhile-- [ Clears Throat ] the court will recess.

[ Murmurings ]

Uh, will you be seated, please?

Be seated, please.

It's not in the province of the court to interfere in libel actions,

but this action basically is one of domestic origin,

deriving from the marriage or non-marriage of the litigants.

Now, it's always been my policy to attempt reconciliations in the public interest,

and because I'm just an old meddler with a sentimental streak.

Now, everyone in the courtroom, including the jury...

is fully aware that you two are eminently suited to each other.

The way you look at each other.

And the-- the way you--

you smile at each other.

- You've got a good marriage. - They're not married, Your Honor.

Ask her where they were married. This is a conference! She's not on the stand now.

Gentlemen, please. This is entirely off the record.

It's a sort of a family affair. There's no courtroom procedure whatsoever.

It's merely a matter of good manners and no raised voices.

Well, where were we married?

Well, off the record, at the courthouse at Three Forks, Idaho.

Three Forks, I-- We can check that in about two hours, Your Honor.

Well, unfortunately for all of us, that's impossible.

You see, the courthouse burned down and the records were destroyed.

That fire? Mm-hmm.

She-- Your Honor, I'd like to confer with my client.

You may.

But she's-- Shh!

She's right. We can't prove a thing. We're licked.

Not yet we're not. Now listen to me. [ Whispering, Inaudible ]

Your Honor, we're prepared to concede that it's possible...

Mr. Tyler did in fact marry Miss Farley.

Uh, this concession, however, introduces certain other factors.

Such as? Oh, merely routine matters--

all to the benefit of the Farley Enterprises.

In what way? My client, being cognizant of his obligations as a husband,

wishes to assume his duties in regard to the Farley interests.

He'd like to see the financial statement-- uh, to protect his wife's interests, naturally.

He'd like to assume his position of authority and take active charge of the business.

Take over the business? I merely want to help.

I don't need your help! After all, Mrs. Tyler, your husband's devoted to you.

Devoted to me! His devotion will have you bankrupt in six months.

Your Honor, the purpose of this suit is very evident now.

This literary ne'er-do-well really wants you to validate this marriage...

so that he can establish his dower rights in the Farley fortune.

Oh, come now, Mr. Rice.

Your Honor, this suit was brought to determine whether or not Mr. Tyler married me.

He's admitted that he did, so I feel that my reputation has been cleared.

I ask just one other thing of the court, and that is to clear my name.

I want this marriage annulled.

So soon? I only admitted to being married a few seconds ago.

Perhaps you're being a bit hasty, my dear. Hasty?

Oh, no. I'm just not quite bright.

I really thought you were the one man who wasn't interested in money.

But you're just a little more clever than the others.

You'll-- You'll cherish me, will you?

You've double-crossed and lied to me every chance you had.

At Sun Valley, when I came to your office, and now when I--

Well, you can just go cherish somebody else's checking account!

Mr. Rice and I can discuss the terms of the divorce-- I said annulment, not divorce.

But on what grounds?

[ Whispering, Inaudible ]

Why, yes. On the grounds that they haven't lived together as man and wife.

Could anything be simpler? Wait a minute. How do you know we haven't?

After all, I was there. You may have been unconscious, but I wasn't.

That has nothing to do with it. I deny the allegation. I deny everything.

Just a minute! The procedure-- There's been trickery here.

The law is the law! You married me, but in name only. You can't get away with this.

Conscious or unconscious, I'm still your husband! Quiet. Quiet!

There's been deception and trickery throughout this trial. Bailiff!

The chambers of the court are not the place to settle domestic feuds. Bailiff!

Nor is it the proper place to seek an annulment of marriage. Bai--

I'm not only throwing this case out of court,

but also the plaintiff, the defendant and their attorneys.

And-- And I'm very disappointed in you two.

Hmm. Your Honor.

Bailiff! Your Honor, please, I want some advice.

Bailiff! I gave you my advice. Only fools repeat themselves.

I'm willing to take it now. But I'm being annulled. What can I do about that?

You want her back? Yes, sir.

You convinced me. But she wants to get that annulment.

Well, well. So I convinced you, hmm? Yes, sir.

My boy, I can't advise you personally, but-- [ Clears Throat ]

if you want a judicial tip, the way to forestall a legal action is to remove the grounds.

To remove the, uh-- Remove the grounds.

[ Umbrella Thumps ] Court's adjourned. I mean, good evening.

Did you call me, Your Honor? Huh?

Oh, yes, Bailiff. Uh, good evening.

Miss Farley-- I mean, Mrs. Tyler--

You were right the first time, Barret. Thank you.

Miss Farley, I want to tell you that-- In the morning, Barret.

Good night.

Oh, thank you. I-- Uh--

[ Screams ] Don't be frightened. It's only me.

How dare you come in here!

Get out or I'll-- I'll call the police!

You'll call nobody. I'm your husband.

We haven't been annulled. We'll see about that!

We're gonna settle this once and for all, and we're gonna settle this now.

Aah! How dare you handle me this way!

Let me up! Not until you listen to what I have to say.

I'm not interested in anything you have to say. Help!

Ow! You do that again, so help me, and I--

You'll what? I'll tell you what I came up here to tell you.

I love you.

Well, there's no law against a man telling his wife he loves her, is there?

Oh, uh--

If there is, there shouldn't be.

Oh, Tom. I'm so glad you're not annulled.

Just a minute. There's one thing I'd like to know.

What really happened at Sun Valley? Did I marry you?

That's something you'll never know.

No, but I-- I've got to. I mean--

Well, you know, if-- if we have children, why-- Well, it w-wouldn't be legal.

0h, all right. If you're going to worry about it, we'd better settle this.

We'll get married all over again just to keep you happy.

Good idea.

It'll keep the children happy too.