Original subtitles

BERG, COME HERE.

CHECK THIS OUT. CHECK THIS OUT.

IT'S A SPIDER.

NO, NO, NO!

IT'S A MIND-BOGGLING ACHIEVEMENT OF ENGINEERING.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE UNDERBEAM STRUCTURE

OF THE CRANBERG BUILDING IN CINCINNATI

IS BASED DIRECTLY UPON GOD'S OWN DESIGN OF THE COMMON SPIDER?

MY FAULT.

THERE I AM, HOVERING OVER THE BODY,

THE SWEAT IS BURNING IN MY EYES.

BUT I KNOW THE PATIENT'S LIFE DEPENDS UPON MY STEADY HAND,

SO I GRAB THE TWEEZERS,

STICK IT INTO HIS CHEST CAVITY EVER SO GINGERLY,

PULL OUT HIS... FUNNY BONE.

BIG RED NOSE NEVER WENT OFF.

YOU KNEW YOU WERE GONNA BE A DOCTOR

BECAUSE YOU WERE GOOD AT PLAYING OPERATION.

EVER SINCE I WAS 6 1/2.

LIAR! AHEM!

IT MUST BE SO GREAT

HAVING ALWAYS KNOWN WHAT YOU WERE GONNA BE.

YEAH. IT'S ALWAYS GIVEN ME PEACE.

LIAR! AHEM!

EXCUSE ME. MY FRIEND NEEDS MEDICAL ATTENTION.

AH-AHEM!

SOMETHING IN YOUR THROAT?

I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT I'M GONNA HAVE TO GIVE YOU A TICKET.

DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE LYING BACK THERE? WHAT?

YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR TILL 3 MONTHS AGO.

WELL, IF I HADN'T LIED IN THE FIRST PLACE,

I NEVER WOULD'VE ENDED UP IN MED SCHOOL.

SO MY STUPID CHEMICAL COMPANY

DECIDES TO HAVE A STUPID BOOTH

AT THIS STUPID EARTH DAY FAIR,

AND GUESS WHO'S STUPID ENOUGH TO RUN IT.

DOES BRING OUT THE AMINO ACIDS IN YOUR EYES.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK YOU GOT A TERRIFIC FUTURE AS A DORK.

WHAT'S WITH THE OUTFIT? HIS DAD'S IN TOWN.

GREAT. I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM SINCE GRADUATION.

NOT GREAT. BERG, STOP PLAYING DRESS-UP

AND TELL YOUR DAD THAT YOU DROPPED OUT OF LAW SCHOOL

2 YEARS AGO. WHAT?

HE STILL THINKS YOU'RE IN LAW SCHOOL?

WELL, YOUR DAD STILL THINKS YOU'RE A VIRGIN.

BERG, COME ON. TELL YOUR DAD THE TRUTH.

WE DON'T TELL THE TRUTH IN MY FAMILY.

MY DAD'S A LAWYER.

THAT'S HEALTHY.

WE DON'T FIGHT, WE DON'T SHARE,

AND NO SHOES IN THE LIVING ROOM.

BERG, YOU OWE HIM THE TRUTH.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M TAKING HIS MONEY.

I'M HERE ON SCHOLARSHIP.

EVENTUALLY, HE'S GONNA FIND OUT.

I'M JUST TRYING TO BUY SOME TIME.

I AM THIS CLOSE TO FIGURING OUT WHAT I WANNA DO WITH MY LIFE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO PHILOSOPHY?

PHILOSOPHY WAS THIS CLOSE.

IT'S MENTALLY CHALLENGING,

BUT IT'S JUST NOT SERVING UP THE BABES.

BERG, LOOK, JUST GO TO BUSINESS SCHOOL.

BECOME AN EXECUTIVE.

YOU'LL HAVE ALL THE WOMEN YOU WANT.

LIKE I'M GONNA WEAR ONE OF THESE EVERY DAY.

OK, SO BASICALLY, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A CAREER

WHERE YOU CAN WEAR PAJAMAS AND GAWK AT CHICKS.

SING IT, SISTER!

BUT FOR THE TIME BEING,

AS FAR AS MY DAD'S CONCERNED,

I'M JUST A MILD-MANNERED LAW STUDENT

FOR A GREAT METROPOLITAN LAW SCHOOL.

EITHER I'M NOT SUPERMAN,

OR SHE'S WEARING LEAD PANTIES.

NOW, REMEMBER, MR. BAUER,

I'M A LAW STUDENT.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE A PHILOSOPHY MAJOR.

BUT FOR TODAY, MR. BAUER,

JUST SAY I'M IN LAW SCHOOL, OK?

I WISH I COULD, BUT I CAN'T.

AND WHY NOT?

TODAY IS MY SON'S BIRTHDAY,

AND I MISSED HIS PARTY.

I WAS BUSY IN COURT.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THE LITTLE GUY.

SO MY SON MADE A WISH:

FOR 24 HOURS, I CANNOT TELL A LIE.

THIS CAN'T BE GOOD FOR ME.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

MY GOD! HE'S ACTUALLY CLEARING THE DISHES OFF THE TABLE.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY SON?

DAD!

MIKE!

MR. BERGEN.

PETE!

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA START DESIGNING THAT BEACH HOUSE FOR ME?

SOON AS I GET YOUR DEPOSIT.

WELL, YOU JUST HAVE YOUR HOTSHOT LAWYER HERE

SEND OVER THE CONTRACTS.

DAD... YOU REMEMBER BILL.

BILL! SURE.

MY SON DOING A GOOD JOB?

OH, YEAH...

WHEN I CAN PULL HIM AWAY FROM THE LAW BOOKS,

THOUGH HE DID PROMISE TO WORK LATE FRIDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHTS

TO MAKE UP FOR IT.

RIGHT, BERG? SURE,

BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

EXCUSE ME, MR. BERGEN.

WHAT'S HIS NAME AGAIN? MR. BAUER.

RIGHT. MR. BAUER, WHAT'S GOING ON?

MY SHORTS ARE BUNCHING UP ON ME.

WELL!

TELL ME ABOUT LAW SCHOOL.

UHH!

IS HE ALL RIGHT?

NOT EVEN REMOTELY.

Mr. Bauer: PHILOSOPHY!

DAD, WHY DON'T YOU GRAB A SEAT OUT HERE?

I'LL BE THERE IN A SEC.

GOOD. WE'LL HAVE A CIGAR AND TALK.

UH, HE WANTS TO HAVE A TALK, PETE.

UH, YOU GOTTA COME WITH ME.

LOOK, THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR DAD.

I'M NOT GETTING IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.

OK, FINE.

BUT IF HE STARTS ASKING ABOUT THE LAW,

JUST RUN INTERFERENCE.

COME ON, BERG. I'M NOT GOOD AT THIS.

NONSENSE.

HERE YOU GO, BOYS.

MMM! CUBANS.

AREN'T THESE AGAINST THE LAW?

EASY, EASY. EASY THERE.

SO, DAD... YOU'RE IN TOWN.

YEAH, I'M IN TOWN FOR BUSINESS. IMPORTANT BUSINESS.

I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT BECOMING A LAWYER.

I LOVE FOOTBALL!

STEVE YOUNG'S A LAWYER.

IT'S THE 49ERS QUARTERBACK.

I BET HE'S HAPPY WHEN THE DEFENSE RESTS.

SO, MIKE, HOW YOU FINDING SECOND YEAR?

OH, I AM LOVING IT.

STUDYING CONSTANTLY.

HA HA! THAT'S FUNNY.

AS A KID, HE NEVER STUCK WITH ANYTHING.

ONE WEEK IT WAS RUGBY,

NEXT WEEK, ASTRONOMY,

AND THEN THERE WAS MUSIC.

"DADDY, I'M GONNA BE THE NEXT ROY CLARK."

I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT BANJO'S STILL SITTING IN THE GARAGE.

Pete: HA HA HA!

BANJO? HA HA HA!

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM THAT REALLY INTERESTING STEVE YOUNG STORY AGAIN?

NOW HE'S GRADUATING LAW SCHOOL.

DUE IN NO SMALL PART TO YOU, MR. DUNVILLE.

WHAT?

YOU'VE HAD AN IMPORTANT INFLUENCE ON HIM.

KEPT THIS HEAD IN THE GAME.

WITHOUT YOU, HE PROBABLY WOULD'VE QUIT LAW SCHOOL.

OH, SIR, YOU'RE GIVING ME WAY TOO MUCH CREDIT.

NONSENSE!

I WANNA GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO JUST...

KIND OF HELP YOU ALONG WHILE YOU'RE DESIGNING THAT BEACH HOUSE FOR ME.

UH, NO, REALLY... TAKE MY PEN, PLEASE.

GOTTA RUN, BOYS. BIG MEETING.

MIKE, WE GOT DINNER AT 8:00 TONIGHT, OK?

AND, PETE? THANKS AGAIN.

AND YOU SAY YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT THIS.

ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S IT. ALL DONE!

I'M OUT!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE NOTHING LIKE YOUR DAD.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

AND DON'T SAY "ALBANY."

THE THING IS, I ASPIRE TO SOMEDAY BE

THE KIND OF MAN YOUR FATHER IS.

A MAN WITH PURPOSE AND DIRECTION.

A MAN WITH DIGNITY.

GO WORK THE FAIR.

THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID...

AND NOT HOW STUPID I LOOK IN THIS HAT.

YOU'RE AGAINST CHEMICALS, HUH?

HEY, YOU! MR. ROGAINE!

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUR NEW HAIR CAME FROM?

AND WHAT ABOUT HER?

YOU THINK THOSE ARE REAL?

I DON'T THINK SO!

YOU SHOULD BE PICKETING HER CHEST!

PETE!

HEY! I SAW A GROUP OF PEOPLE DOWN THAT WAY.

THEY WERE EATING VEAL.

THANK YOU.

NICE HAT.

PHI BETA KAPPA.

SUMMA CUM LAUDE. HOW ARE YOU?

YOU WANT A SLICE?

UHH! DON'T EVEN MENTION FOOD.

I'VE HAD, LIKE, 8 OF THESE THINGS.

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, THEY'RE GREAT. IT'S A SYNTHETIC CANDY BAR.

THEY TASTE EXACTLY LIKE CHOCOLATE,

ONLY NO FAT, NO SODIUM, NO CALORIES.

THESE ARE GONNA BE THE NEXT BIG THING...

OOH!

IF THEY'RE EVER APPROVED BY THE FDA.

HERE COME THE OZONE LOVERS AGAIN.

OH, NO. THEY'RE CARRYING EGGS.

WHERE YOU GOING?

GOT HIGH CHOLESTEROL.

COWARD!

YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES THOSE EGGS SO LARGE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA GET THIS STAIN OUT WITH?

HEY, PIZZA HEAD!

THAT IS SO UNNECESSARY.

YOU WANT PEPPERONI?

AH-AH-AH. YOU CAN'T MOVE YOUR HEAD.

MR. BERGEN?

MIKE'S NOT WITH YOU, IS HE?

NO. HE'S AT WORK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BIG MEETING?

THIS IS MY BIG MEETING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, I RESIGNED FROM THE FIRM. I'M STARTING OVER.

YOU HAD THIS BRILLIANT CAREER,

AND YOU GAVE IT UP TO BECOME...

A CARICATURIST?

WE PREFER "SKETCH ARTIST."

AND I'VE BEEN LYING TO MY SON ABOUT THIS.

PLEASE PROMISE ME YOU WON'T TELL HIM.

JUST WHEN I THINK I'M OUT...

THEY PULL ME BACK IN!

MR. BERGEN, YOU'RE A HARVARD LAWYER.

WHY ARE YOU WORKING THE FAIR CIRCUIT? SIT DOWN, PETE.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SPORT? BASKETBALL.

PLAY TENNIS? NOT REALLY.

HOW ABOUT BADMINTON? NO...

OH, MR. BERGEN, DON'T DRAW ME.

OH, MAN!

OH, I GET IT.

YOU CAN'T TELL ME

BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTUALLY HERE

GATHERING EVIDENCE FOR A CASE.

TELL ME YOU'RE GATHERING EVIDENCE FOR A CASE.

I LEFT THE LAW TO PURSUE MY PASSION FOR ART.

ART?

BIG HEADS ON LITTLE BODIES IS NOT ART.

WELL, I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE.

THEN WHY HAVEN'T YOU TOLD BERG?

COME ON! YOU KNOW THAT FICUS

DREAMT OF FOLLOWING IN MY FOOTSTEPS,

AND YOU GOTTA HELP ME HIDE THE TRUTH FROM HIM.

OH, NO. JUST UNTIL HE GRADUATES.

NO, NO. MR. BERGEN, I'M NOT GOOD AT THIS.

NONSENSE!

NOW, HERE YOU GO, PETE.

MY EARS ARE NOT THAT BIG.

SKETCH ARTIST? YEAH, YEAH.

HE'S RIGHT DOWN THERE.

LOOK.

WOW. HE REALLY NAILED YOUR EARS.

HE DID NOT NAIL MY EARS!

HA HA! YOU GOTTA LOVE THOSE BERGENS.

THIS IS SICK. THAT'S PERFECT.

WHAT'S SO PERFECT ABOUT IT?

PETE DUNVILLE IS GONNA SAVE THE DAY.

OH, PETE... DON'T.

DUCK!

I INVITE MR. BERGEN OVER TO THE APARTMENT.

I TELL THEM THAT THEY BOTH HAVE SOMETHING THEY NEED TO SAY TO EACH OTHER.

"DAD, I'M NOT IN LAW SCHOOL."

"MIKE, I PLAY WITH CRAYONS IN THE PARK."

EVERYONE HUGS.

IT'D BE A REAL OPRAH MOMENT.

DUCK!

DID THEY ASK FOR YOUR HELP?

NOT IN SO MANY WORDS.

BUT OBVIOUSLY, THEY NEED TO TALK.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT WE DO IN MY FAMILY.

WE GET IT OUT. WE TALK. IT'S HEALTHY.

BUT, PETE, JUST BECAUSE IT WORKS FOR YOUR FAMILY,

DOESN'T MEAN IT WORKS FOR EVERYONE.

IT'S LIKE THIS STUFF.

YOU POUR IT DOWN YOUR SINK,

IT UNCLOGS THE DRAIN.

YOU POUR IT IN A POND,

YOU'VE GOT FISH WITH FEET.

LOOK, I GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

YEAH, YOU DO. STAY OUT OF IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, SHARON?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME TO DUCK?

HEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

AND THAT WOULD BE YOUR DAD.

WHAT? HOW DO YOU KNOW?

I TOLD HIM TO STOP BY HERE BEFORE DINNER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO, PETE,

BUT ONE WORD OUT OF YOU, AND I'M SHOWING MR. BAUER SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

AND INVITING HIM OVER TO DINNER.

LOOK, HE HAS SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

JUST... TRUST ME.

WHAT IS IT?

LET HIM TELL YOU.

I THINK HE'LL PAINT A BETTER PICTURE.

COME ON IN, MR. BERGEN.

MIKE.

DAD.

HAVE A SEAT.

UH, WE'VE GOT AN 8:00 RESERVATION.

YEAH. WE DON'T WANNA LOSE THAT TABLE.

NO. THIS WON'T TAKE LONG. IT'S OK.

OK, NOW, UM...

YOU BOTH HAVE SOMETHING THAT YOU NEED TO SAY TO ONE ANOTHER.

NOW IS THE TIME TO SAY IT.

IT'S OK.

TALK.

I'LL BE IN MY ROOM WHERE I CAN'T HEAR A THING.

SO... HOW WAS YOUR MEETING?

OH... IT WAS FINE. HOW WAS CLASS?

GOOD.

GOOD, GOOD.

SO YOU HAD SOMETHING YOU WANTED TO TELL ME.

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO FIRST.

OK.

WELL, UH... IT'S REALLY NO BIG DEAL,

BUT, UH...

I GUESS I'M SORRY I NEVER FOLLOWED THROUGH

WITH THOSE BANJO LESSONS.

WELL, I THINK WHAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU

WILL PUT ALL THAT IN PERSPECTIVE.

ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO,

I WAS DRIVING HOME AFTER A HELLISH DAY IN COURT,

AND AS I WAS PULLING INTO THE GARAGE...

I RAN OVER YOUR BANJO.

OH.

WELL, I'M GLAD WE HAD THIS TALK. LET'S EAT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

WHAT, YOU WERE EAVESDROPPING?

IT'S THOSE BIG EARS.

THEY'RE NOT BIG!

HE HASN'T BEEN IN LAW SCHOOL FOR OVER 2 YEARS.

WHAT?!

YEAH, AND HE QUIT THE LAW TO DRAW CARICATURES IN THE PARK.

WHAT?!

THERE! NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?

I KNOW I DO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LEFT THE FIRM.

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK WHEN I GRADUATE LAW SCHOOL?

YOU'RE NOT IN LAW SCHOOL.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, YOU...

YOU... CARICATURIST.

I AM A SKETCH ARTIST!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE A LAWYER.

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A LAW STUDENT.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THE LAST 2 YEARS?

I'VE BEEN A PHILOSOPHY MAJOR.

OH! THAT'S USEFUL!

SEE? THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I DIDN'T TELL YOU.

I DIDN'T WANNA DISAPPOINT MY FATHER,

THE WORLD RENOWN SKETCH ARTIST.

SEE? THIS IS WORKING, THIS IS WORKING.

THIS IS COMMUNICATING.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S FIGHTING.

I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, PETE.

WHAT? WHAT DID I DO?

I TOLD YOU TO LIE! CAN'T I TRUST YOU?

I TOLD HIM TO LIE TO YOU, TOO.

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I TOLD YOU, I WASN'T GOOD AT THIS!

KEEP IT DOWN!

KEEP IT DOWN!

WE'RE HARDLY YELLING.

NO. ME. I CAN'T KEEP IT DOWN.

SHARON. YOU OK?

YOU GUYS, GET ME TO A DOCTOR.

WHERE'S YOUR CAR? AROUND THE CORNER.

OOH! I THINK I'M GONNA BOOT.

BERG... YOU CAN HAVE MY STEREO.

PETE... YOU CAN HAVE MY DRESSER.

I DON'T WANT YOUR DRESSER.

WHY DOES HE GET THE STEREO?

OK. THERE YOU GO.

COMPLIMENTS OF THE HOUSE.

I DON'T PLAY TENNIS.

MIKE, UH, TAKE A LOOK.

SURE.

OH, DAD.

OK. I KNOW IT SEEMS STRANGE, BUT...

YOU SPEND 30 YEARS ARGUING IN COURT,

AND EVERY DAY, CLIENTS ARE STARING AT YOU,

THEIR LIVES IN YOUR HANDS, AND...

YOU START DOODLING.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

WELL, I THOUGHT IT WOULD THROW YOU.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE A LAWYER.

NO, DAD.

YOU WANTED ME TO BE A LAWYER.

I WAS THE ONLY KID IN FOURTH GRADE

WITH A 12 ANGRY MEN LUNCHBOX.

ALL I EVER WANTED WAS FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY.

SO YOU'RE NOT TOTALLY DISAPPOINTED?

LOOK, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO PRACTICE LAW,

THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

BUT YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

AND, MY GOD, SON,

YOU'RE CAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING.

WELL, YOU KNOW...

JUST STOP SCREWING AROUND.

MEANWHILE, HOW DOES MOM FEEL ABOUT ALL THIS?

WELL, YOUR MOTHER'S A TROOPER.

YOU HAVEN'T TOLD HER.

YOU TELL HER ABOUT LAW SCHOOL?

WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?

NO REASON TO UPSET HER. DEAL.

YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA GO OVER TO TRAUMA,

SEE IF I CAN FIND ANYBODY WHO PLAYS BADMINTON OR TENNIS.

GO GET 'EM, DAD.

OK, SHARON, WHAT DID YOU EAT?

A WHOLE BUNCH OF SYNTHETIC CANDY BARS.

DOCTORS, WHAT IS THE COURSE OF TREATMENT?

PUMP HER STOMACH. PUMP HER STOMACH.

Doctor: RIGHT.

UHHH!

YOU OK?

WHAT DO I DO, PETE?

NOW THAT I'M NOT BEING A LAWYER,

WHAT COMES NEXT?

YOU? WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT'S THIS MEAN?

AFTER 30 YEARS OF BEING AN ARCHITECT,

I'M GONNA MELT DOWN AND BECOME A JUGGLER?

NO.

I SEE YOU... GUESSING PEOPLE'S WEIGHT.

OK. NOW, THE NASAL GASTRIC TUBE IS IN PLACE.

WE HIT THE SWITCH AND LET 'ER RIP.

OOH! I'LL BE RIGHT HERE.

OUTSTANDING!

SO TELL ME, DOCTORS,

IF MISS CARTER HERE WERE TO CONTINUE HER CURRENT DIET,

WHAT TYPE OF ULCEROUS BACTERIA WOULD SHE DEVELOP?

ANYONE?

HALICOPACTER PYLORI, PROBABLY IN THE DUODENUM.

BOSTON JOURNAL OF MEDICINE CROSSWORD PUZZLE,

4 DOWN. OH.

THAT'S VERY GOOD, DOCTOR...

BERGEN.

DR. BERGEN. VERY GOOD.

PLEASE FOLLOW ME TO I.C.U.

LOOK, PETE.

PRETTY GIRLS... PAJAMAS...

SO WHAT IS THE PROGNOSIS FOR THIS PATIENT?

AURICULAR DIMINUTION.

MOST COMMONLY KNOWN AS?

EAR REDUCTION. EAR REDUCTION.

THEY'RE NOT THAT BIG!