Original subtitles

OK, SO THAT'S SALAD, SALAD, NO SALAD,

AND THEN THE PIZZA'S HALF-PEPPERONI, HALF...

ICE CREAM!

WHOO HOO!

HEY, BILL, THROW ME ANOTHER RAG, HUH?

WHY NOT USE THIS LOVELY ONE YOU'RE WEARING?

THE SHIRT OF FUN AND GOOD TIMES?

NEVER.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S 11:00.

TURN ON THE NEWS.

Man: AND IN BREAKING NEWS TONIGHT,

A CHEMICAL SPILL IN THE FLORIDA EVERGLADES

HAS LEFT A POPULATION OF CROCODILES PARALYZED.

WE TAKE YOU NOW LIVE DOWNTOWN,

WHERE A SPOKESPERSON FOR THE CHEMICAL GIANT

HAS SOMETHING TO SAY.

WHAT ABOUT THIS?

ON BEHALF OF ALL THOSE CROCS WE JUST CROAKED,

THE IMMACULATE CHEMICAL COMPANY WOULD LIKE TO SAY, "WHOOPS."

Man: SHARON.

SO LOOK FOR BELTS AND POCKETBOOKS TO BE ON SALE SOON.

SHARON. WHAT?

YOU'RE ON.

WHAT?

AHEM.

YOU GOTTA LOVE THE GIRL.

EVEN WHEN SHE MAKES A COMPLETE FOOL OF HERSELF.

IMMACULATE CHEMICAL COMPANY HAS 4 RESCUE CREWS

WORKING AROUND THE CLOCK TO SAVE WHATEVER WILDLIFE

THAT MAY HAVE BEEN INCONVENIENCED BY TODAY'S MISHAP.

LOOK AT HER.

LYING TO THE WORLD WITHOUT A FLINCH.

UNCONSCIONABLE.

BUT ADORABLE.

TELL ME SOMETHING.

HOW COME NEITHER OF YOU GUYS DATE SHARON?

SHE'S SHARON.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

PETE, EXPLAIN IT.

SHE'S SHARON.

BUT SHE WASN'T ALWAYS SHARON.

I MEAN, YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT NEITHER ONE OF YOU GUYS

EVER TRIED TO, YOU KNOW, HOOK UP WITH HER. HEH HEH.

WHAT?

WELL, WHAT?

IT WAS BACK WHEN WE WERE FRESHMEN.

I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.

HEY. EH... IS THIS GONNA BE A FLASHBACK?

YES, MR. BAUER, IT IS.

LOVE FLASHBACKS.

BILL, CAN WE HAVE SOME POPCORN?

OK.

WELL, EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT AT OUR COLLEGE BAR,

THEY HAD THIS EVENT.

AT SOME POINT IN THE NIGHT, THEY'D RING A BELL,

AND FROM THAT MOMENT ON, ALL THE BEER WAS FREE.

RIGHT, RIGHT. AND IT STAYED FREE

UNTIL SOMEBODY EITHER PEED OR WALKED OUT.

AND SO IT WAS THUSLY NAMED... BLADDER BUST.

♪ BLAME IT ON THE RAIN ♪

THOSE MILLI VANILLI GUYS ARE AWESOME.

IT'S LIKE THEIR MUSIC SOUNDS SO EFFORTLESS...

YOU KNOW? IT'S LIKE THEY'RE NOT EVEN SINGING.

NANCY DUMPED ME.

PETE, LET IT GO.

LOOK, COME ON. HELP ME PICK A NEW MAJOR.

COME ON, BERG.

NO, I'M SERIOUS. I NEED TO MAKE A DECISION.

GO AHEAD. PICK A MAJOR, ANY MAJOR.

"RUSSIAN ECONOMICS."

PHEW.

GLAD THAT'S OVER WITH.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DUMPED ME.

SHE'S AT STANFORD, 3,000 MILES AWAY.

SHE'S GOING OUT WITH THE CAPTAIN OF THE CREW TEAM.

SHE'S HIS COXSWAIN.

DON'T EVEN.

YOU KNOW, BERG, I... I REALLY THOUGHT THAT SHE WAS THE ONE.

GIVE ME THE DAMN LETTER.

NO.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE WHAT THE RULE BOOK HAS TO SAY.

DON'T GET OUT THE RULE BOOK.

HERE IT IS. SECTION 4, PARAGRAPH 6:

"GET DUMPED. MOVE ON."

I KNOW. I KNOW.

I HOPE YOU GET FAT!

MY BOY... LOOK AROUND YOU.

COLLEGE. A BEVY OF BEAUTIFUL COEDS,

AND THEY ALL WANNA MEET PETE DUNVILLE.

THEY DO?

OF COURSE.

BUT FIRST, YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO REMOVE

THAT DEAD SQUIRREL FROM YOUR CHIN.

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T GROW ONE.

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS 'CAUSE YOU KNOW ALL THE BABES

WILL BE DIGGIN' THE NEW SHIRT,

THE SHIRT OF LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING.

OOH! SO CUTE!

HANDSOME.

I PREFER "HANDSOME," BUT THANK YOU.

NOT... NOT YOU.

THAT GIRL.

OH, MY GOD. HERE SHE COMES. SHE'S COMING UP.

SHE MUST BE CAUGHT IN THE SHIRT'S TRACTOR BEAM.

PETE DUNVILLE HAS OFFICIALLY MOVED ON.

HI. I'M SHARON.

I'M WORKING WITH GREENPEACE AND SAVE OUR PLANET.

WOULD YOU GUYS MIND SIGNING THESE PETITIONS?

MIND?

I WOULD CONSIDER IT A PRIVILEGE TO SIGN THOSE PETITIONS.

THIS ONE'S TO STOP THE LUMBER INDUSTRY

FROM CLEAR CUTTING ON PUBLIC LANDS,

AND THIS ONE'S TO OUTLAW THE HUNTING OF WHALES.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE! PETE, DO YOU BELIEVE IT?

WHAT?

PETE HERE'S A LUMBERJACK,

AND I'M THE CAPTAIN OF A SMALL WHALING VESSEL PARKED OUTSIDE.

WE CAN DO THIS THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY.

OOH! THE HARD WAY!

UM, I'LL SIGN.

AFTER YOU HAVE A BEER WITH US.

I CAN'T DRINK.

THEN WHY ARE YOU IN COLLEGE?

NO. I'M ON A JUICE FAST.

I'VE HAD NOTHING BUT VEGETABLE JUICE FOR 3 DAYS.

I'M CLEANSING MY SYSTEM.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY INNOCENT CARROTS DIED SO YOU COULD BE REGULAR?

YOU KNOW, I APOLOGIZE. IT'S GENETIC.

HIS GRANDFATHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE WAS 3/4 OBNOXIOUS.

ARE YOU HELPING ME?

NO. I'M HELPING ME.

WELL, STOP. NO, I'M NOT GONNA STOP.

I'M PETE. I'M BERG.

I CARE.

SHE LOVES ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I THINK IT'S THE GOATEE.

PLEASE!

DID YOU SEE HER?

SHE COULDN'T RESIST THE SHIRT OF TRUTH AND WISDOM.

THIS GIRL IS TOTALLY MY TYPE, ALL RIGHT?

SHE HAS CONVICTION, SHE'S PRINCIPLED...

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BUT UNDERNEATH ALL THAT STUFF,

SHE'S EXACTLY MY TYPE.

NAKED.

WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU TELLING ME

THAT WE'RE ATTRACTED TO THE SAME GIRL?

MY GOD. PETER, I THINK WE'VE ACTUALLY FOUND...

A CROSSOVER GIRL.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE RULES SAY.

OH, NOT THE RULES.

SECTION 2, PARAGRAPH 8:

"FRIENDSHIP BEFORE FEMALES."

OK, THAT'S THAT. NEITHER ONE OF US CAN DATE HER.

SO IT IS WRITTEN, AND SO IT SHALL BE.

AGREED? AGREED.

IS EVERYBODY READY FOR BLADDER BUST?!

YES! YEAH!

IS EVERYBODY'S BLADDER EMPTY?!

YEAH! YEAH!

JUST CHECKING.

AW! OHH!

SO... OH!

HOW GOES THE PETITIONING?

THE WHALES SELL THEMSELVES,

BUT NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE TREES.

I LOVE THE TREES.

YOU DO? YEAH.

AS THE NEXT GENERATION OF ARCHITECT,

I FEEL IT IS MY DUTY TO... YES...

DESIGN GREAT HOMES, BUT NOT TO THE AFFRONT

OF THE GREATEST ARCHITECT OF THEM ALL:

MOTHER NATURE.

OH, PETE, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

THEN YOU WOULDN'T MIND HELPING ME GET SOME SIGNATURES.

I'D LOVE TO.

HA HA HA! OHH...

GREAT. I GOTTA PEE BEFORE THEY RING THAT BELL.

SO, HOW'S THINGS WITH THE PLANET?

HUH. LIKE YOU REALLY CARE.

I CARE.

YEAH, RIGHT.

ACTUALLY, WHALES PLAY A BIG PART IN MY LIFE.

THEY DO?

JUST THIS AFTERNOON,

I HAD THIS DELICIOUS WHALE SANDWICH...

HUMPBACK, LETTUCE AND TOMATO,

THINLY SLICED BETWEEN 2 MOUNTAIN GORILLA HANDS.

NOT EVEN FUNNY.

WITH SOME WHITE RHINO FRIES

AND A CHOPPED CHEETAH SALAD,

WHICH, BY THE WAY, I SPILLED ALL OVER...

HA HA!

MY SEA LION SKIN RUG.

HA HA HA! AHA!

I'M NOT LAUGHING AT YOU.

I'M LAUGHING AT A JOKE I HEARD EARLIER.

YOU MUST BE A LITTLE SLOW.

NICE SHIRT.

THE SHIRT OF FULFILLMENT AND SATISFACTION.

UH-HUH.

I'LL BET A GUY LIKE YOU

CAN JUST GO UP AND TALK TO ANY WOMAN IN THIS BAR.

NAH!

YEAH, I CAN.

GREAT. GET ME SOME SIGNATURES WHILE I PEE.

HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT CLIPBOARD?

I DARE ASK THE SAME QUESTION.

HAVE YOU NO REGARD FOR THE RULES?

ME? WHAT ABOUT YOU?

ATTENTION!

PETE DUNVILLE TAKES THE RULES...

AND... PTOO! SPITS ON THEM!

WELL, MIKE BERGEN TAKES THE RULES...

SPITS ON 'EM... THAT'S GOOD. MORE!

THAT'S VERY GOOD.

THAT'S VERY GOOD, BUT WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, HUH?

I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO "FRIENDSHIP BEFORE FEMALES"?

YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

I'M, UH...

I'M JUST GONNA GO RETURN HER CLIPBOARD.

ME, TOO... ONLY FASTER.

HI!

LOOK HOW MANY SIGNATURES I GOT YOU.

"ANNIE OAKLEY, BARBARA WALTERS...

HELEN OF TROY"?

BYE, HELEN!

SHE JUST LEFT.

THAT'S NOTHING. I GOT YOU REAL SIGNATURES,

AND I GOT THE GUY IN THE HAT TO STOP EATING VEAL.

THAT'S GREAT, BUT I REALLY...

HEY, I KNOW THIS LITTLE PLACE DOWN THE STREET...

TERRIFIC! MAYBE WE'LL MEET YOU THERE LATER.

GUYS, I HAVE TO PEE BEFORE THE BELL...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BLADDER BUST BEGINS!

Bartender: DRINKS ARE FREE TILL SOMEBODY PEES OR FLEES!

NO!

BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!

I WAS JUST IN THERE!

I JUST FORGOT TO WASH MY HANDS.

SORRY.

SHE'S TOTALLY INTO ME.

YEAH. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE OF THE SHIRT OF DORKINESS AND "I'M A BIG LOSER."

PRETTY STRONG WORDS, COMING FROM CHIA FACE.

OK, THAT'S IT. RULES OFF!

FINE! MAY THE BEST MAN WIN.

MY DOODLES ARE IN THERE.

ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS?

WE STAND IN FRONT OF YOU IN THE CORNER

AND YOU PEE IN THIS.

NO WAY AM I GONNA SQUAT OVER SOME PITCHER IN A BAR.

WHAT KIND OF GIRL YOU THINK SHE IS, HUH?

GUYS, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.

THE LAST PERSON WHO RUINED BLADDER BUST

WAS BLINDFOLDED AND LEFT SHOELESS IN A DOGGY PARK.

EW. EEE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, UM...

JUST DO SOMETHING TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THE PEEING.

OK. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

OH, SIR, UM... SAVE THE WHALES.

OH, SURE.

YOU KNOW, I WENT UP TO ALASKA LAST SUMMER

AND WENT WHALE WATCHING.

IT WAS JUST AMAZING.

THEY WOULD SURFACE ONE AFTER ANOTHER

AND SQUIRT THESE HUGE ARCS OF WATER INTO THE AIR.

PSSHHH! PSSHHH! PSSHHH! PSSHHH!

NEVER MIND! FORGET IT! GO AWAY!

I'M SORRY PETE GAVE YOU THAT STUPID DISTRACTION IDEA.

THAT WAS IRRESPONSIBLE.

RRRRR! I GOTTA GO!

UH, YOU HAVE TO LET ME OUT OF HERE.

THE FUTURE OF THE PLANET DEPENDS ON IT.

NO PROBLEM.

OH, MY GOD! THANK YOU!

HEY, PHIL, THIS GIRL WANTS OUT.

BREAK OUT THE BLINDFOLD.

NO, NO, NO, STOP!

I WAS KIDDING! JOKE. BIG JOKE.

CAN'T YOU GUYS TAKE A JOKE?

I WAS JOKING! HA HA HA HA!

OH, I CAN'T TAKE IT!

I THINK MY BLADDER IS GONNA BUST.

IF IT WASN'T FOR... IF IT WASN'T FOR...

LISTEN, YOU TWO ACCIDENTS,

YOU GOT ME INTO THIS, YOU'RE GONNA GET ME OUT.

ACTUALLY... ACTUALLY... SHUT UP AND THINK!

I'LL USE MY LIGHTER AND GET THE FIRE ALARM TO GO OFF.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S GREAT, THAT'S GREAT.

AND BURN WOOD, WHICH COMES FROM TREES,

WHICH I LOVE.

YOU GOT A BETTER IDEA?

YEAH, YEAH, I DO.

UM... OK, MAYBE I COULD PRY LOOSE

ONE OF THESE FLOORBOARDS,

AND WE CAN TUNNEL OUT.

EXCUSE ME.

AHHH...

WHICH ONE OF YOU GENTLEMEN WOULD LIKE TO DIE FIRST?

PUNK.

ALL RIGHT!

SHEESH! AMATEUR HOUR IS OVER.

YOU TWO GET IN A FIGHT.

OK. THAT MIGHT GET US OUT, BUT HOW ABOUT YOU?

FIGHT OVER ME.

COME AGAIN?

YOU KNOW, BOTH OF YOU VYING FOR THE LOVE

OF THE SAME BEAUTIFUL WOMAN?

WINNER GETS THE GIRL?

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MOVIE?

FOR GOD'S SAKES!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE!

I LOVE YOU BOTH!

ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THAT FROM HIM?

LISTEN... YOU EVEN LOOK AT HER AGAIN,

AND YOU'RE GONNA WISH YOUR PARENTS NEVER MET.

Crowd: OOH... YEAH, WELL, UM... AHEM.

PRETTY BIG TALK, TOUGH GUY.

WHY DON'T YOU COME AND GET SOME?

SOME OF WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

JUST... JUST... WAIT FOR THE BOUNCERS TO BREAK US UP.

THIS I GOTTA SEE.

10 BUCKS ON THE BAD GOATEE.

OK. OK.

NOW WHAT?

DID YOU EVER WRESTLE IN HIGH SCHOOL?

NO! I TOOK ARCHERY.

I USED TO LOVE ARCHERY.

RRRRR!

ALL RIGHT! OK.

I'LL PRETEND TO HIT YOU, AND YOU GO DOWN.

OK, GOOD, GOOD, EXCEPT I'LL PRETEND TO HIT YOU,

AND YOU GO DOWN.

NO, YOU. YOU!

AAH!

Crowd: OOOH!

YOU RIPPED THE SHIRT OF FREEDOM AND VIRILITY.

THIS IS COMBED COTTON.

AAH!

FIGHT!

YEAH! YEAH!

OOH! GOTTA PEE! GOTTA PEE!

I KNOW WHERE YOU WORK, MAN!

AND YOU'RE A HELL OF A JOB.

GOTTA HAND IT TO HER.

PLAN WORKED.

SORRY.

DIDN'T MEAN TO KICK YOUR ASS LIKE THAT.

YOU KICKED MY... YEAH, RIGHT.

LOOK, BERG, YOU'RE JUST GONNA GO OUT WITH THIS GIRL TWICE,

AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA BLOW HER OFF

JUST LIKE YOU DO WITH EVERYONE.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT WITH HER ONCE

AND START CALLING HER "THE ONE."

SHE'LL MOVE TO STANFORD AND WRITE YOU A LETTER.

ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS SO LOW.

WELL, IT'S TRUE.

WHY DON'T WE JUST DO THIS?

JUST LET HER DECIDE.

FINE.

FINE.

UGH! I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST PEED IN AN ALLEY.

STICK WITH US, KID.

THE WORLD WILL BE YOUR TOILET.

YOU WANNA WALK ME BACK TO MY DORM?

WHO?

WHO?

LATER.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

SHE DECIDED.

WHAT?

SHE SMILED AT ME.

SHE SMILED NEAR YOU.

SHE SMILED AT ME.

UH-HUH, YEAH, RIGHT.

WOW.

THIS IS A DORM?

YOU HAVE NICER STUFF THAN MY FAMILY.

MY DADDY, HE MISSES ME.

SO, UH, NOW WHAT?

I GOT THE NEW MILLI VANILLI TAPE.

OOH! CRANK IT UP!

OH, DARN!

WHAT?

MY FATHER JUST SENT ME THIS STEREO,

BUT IT'S GOT ALL THESE WIRES AND THINGS.

IT'S JUST TOO COMPLICATED FOR ME TO HOOK UP.

I CAN HOOK IT UP FOR YOU.

OH, THAT'S SWEET,

BUT I THINK I'M GONNA JUST SEND IT BACK.

I MEAN, THE ROOM'S SO SMALL,

AND THE SPEAKERS TAKE UP SO MUCH FLOOR SPACE.

I COULD HANG THEM FOR YOU.

GREAT. THE WIRING'S IN THE BOX,

PUT THE TUNER NEXT TO THE LAMP,

CD PLAYER ON THE SHELF,

AND FOR THE SPEAKERS, THERE ARE HOOKS THERE AND THERE.

I'LL GO GET A PHILLIPS HEAD FOR THE ANTENNA.

DO YOU HAVE THE FEELING WE'VE BEEN SET UP?

COMPLETELY.

"TOO COMPLICATED."

HOW STUPID ARE WE?

VERY STUPID.

YOU KNOW, BERG, SHE PLAYED US AGAINST EACH OTHER

SO WE'D GET HER SIGNATURES,

THEN SHE HAS US BEAT EACH OTHER UP SO SHE CAN PEE,

THEN SHE SMILES AT US,

AND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HOOK UP HER STEREO?

THIS GIRL IS A NIGHTMARE.

SHE'S LIKE US.

ONLY A CHICK.

YOU KNOW WHAT, PETE?

I'M GONNA DO HER THE ULTIMATE FAVOR...

AND NOT DATE HER.

ME, TOO.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

WHAT?

YOU LURED US BACK HERE TO HOOK UP YOUR STEREO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT... STOP IT!

OK.

WELL, YOU'RE AN ARCHITECT.

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE GOOD AT PUTTING THINGS TOGETHER.

OH, I SEE.

YOU NEEDED PETE TO HOOK UP YOUR STEREO.

SO YOU REALLY WANTED ME TO COME BACK BECAUSE...

YOU'RE TALL ENOUGH TO REACH THE HOOKS.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST FOR THAT, NEITHER ONE OF US IS GONNA DATE YOU.

YEAH, WELL, I COULD'VE TOLD YOU THAT.

SURE. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY NOW.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID THE MINUTE I MET YOU TWO GUYS.

YOU... I'M JUST GUESSING...

ALWAYS WANT TO COMMIT, BUT CAN'T.

AND YOU...

YOU'RE JUST A WOODY WITH A BODY ATTACHED.

SHE'S GOOD. VERY.

THANKS.

HA!

YOU KNOW, NO ONE'S EVER FOUGHT OVER ME BEFORE,

NOT EVEN FOR PRETEND.

WELL, WE HAD FUN.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

MMM, HEY...

HOW ABOUT DINNER AND DRINKS ON DAD?

LOVE DAD.

UH, WHAT ABOUT YOUR JUICE FAST?

AH, SCREW THE JUICE FAST.

WHERE TO?

ACTUALLY, I JUST HEARD ABOUT THIS GREAT LITTLE PIZZA PLACE.

LOVE PIZZA.

YEAH. RIGHT DOWN ON BEACON STREET.

LOVE BEACON STREET.

"BEACON STREET."

WHATEVER.

AND THE REST IS HISTORY.

THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT PLACE GAVE AWAY FREE BEER?

THAT'S JUST BAD BUSINESS.

GOOD, BILL.

YOU REALLY GOT THE POINT OF THE STORY.

BRAVO! YAHOO!

SHOVE IT.

I JUST BALD-FACED LIED TO THE ENTIRE COUNTRY.

WHAT LITTLE DIGNITY I HAD

IS NOW GONE, OUT THE WINDOW.

WHAT ARE YOU KNUCKLEHEADS LOOKING AT?

NOTHING.

GET ME A DRINK BEFORE I TEAR THIS PLACE DOWN!

YOU GOTTA LOVE HER.

YOU REALLY DO.

I REMEMBER WHEN ME AND MY BEST FRIEND

MET THIS GIRL IN COLLEGE.

WE WERE AT A BLADDER BUST.

I JUST DECIDED TO MAJOR IN RUSSIAN ECONOMICS.

THIS FEISTY BLONDE WALKED OVER.

COULD BE THE ONE. MAYBE NOT.

ANYWAY, SHE HAD THIS CLIPBOARD...

SAVE THE PLANETS, SAVE THE WHALES KIND OF THING.

SHE PLAYED US LIKE A DIME STORE HARMONICA.

WE CAN HAVE OUR OWN BLADDER BUST?

SURE. ANYTHING TO CHEER UP SHARON.

OH! THIS IS LIKE OLD TIMES.

BLADDER BUST HAS BEGUN.

ALL BEERS FREE TILL SOMEBODY PEES OR FLEES...

HA HA HA!

OR SNEEZES OR SPEAKS OR A CAR DRIVES BY.

BILL, THAT'S... OOP! BLADDER BUST IS OVER.