Original subtitles

OK, I GOTTA GET THESE BLUEPRINTS

TO THE COPY PLACE BY 9:00.

I HAVE A MEETING WITH MY PROFESSOR AT 10:00.

HIT THE COMPUTER LAB BY 11:00. AND AT NOON,

"MEET WITH THE MAYOR REGARDING PARADE FOR BERG."

OH, PETE!

I TOLD YOU, STAY OUT OF MY ORGANIZER.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT A BIG PARADE.

JUST A COUPLE OF FLOATS.

RIGHT.

WE'RE IN A ZONE! WE'RE IN A ZONE!

HEY, THIS ONE COULD BE ME.

SHE'S IN OUR ZONE.

"SAW YOU OUTSIDE COPLEY PLAZA.

"WE SHARED A SMILE.

"YOU... PRETTY AND PETITE.

ME... STOCKY GUY WITH... RED HAIR."

PLEASE. WHY NOT JUST SAY "FAT WITH FRECKLES"?

SHARON, DO YOU MIND?

WE'RE DEFENDING OUR "POP 'N SHOT" TITLE AT O'MALLEY'S NEXT WEEK.

WELL, I'M TRYING TO FIND A GUY.

THROUGH THE "CHANCE ENCOUNTER" ADS?

WELL, THAT'S SO SAD.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO BUY A CAT?

JULIE AT THE OFFICE...

GUESS WHERE SHE MET HER FIANCE.

RIGHT HERE IN THE "CHANCE ENCOUNTER" ADS.

MAYBE A SIAMESE.

I HEAR CALICOS ARE NICE.

OOH! OOH! THIS COULD BE ME.

"YOU... PRETTY...

CUTE SMILE, AND GREAT LEGS."

THAT'S 3 OUT OF 3.

"WALKING A SHINY BLACK LAB."

YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG.

FROM A DISTANCE.

OK, SHARON, GIVE IT UP.

WHOA! PETE!

WHOA, WHAT? WHOA, THIS.

"YOU... BLACK BIKE ON BEACON STREET."

THERE MUST BE A THOUSAND GUYS ON BEACON STREET

WITH BLACK BIKES.

"SAW YOU AT THE COFFEE PLACE ON NEWBERRY...

YOU ALWAYS GO THERE.

HALF OF BOSTON GOES THROUGH THERE.

"WALKING WITH TALL FRIEND...

OK. IT'S NOT ME.

"YOU... PARKER STEVENSON LOOKS.

I HAVE PARKER STEVENSON LOOKS.

"ME... SHY BUT INTERESTED.

ARE YOU... THE ONE?"

YOU GOT TO CALL.

NO WAY, BERG.

WHY NOT?

GET REAL. THE PEOPLE WHO PUT THESE ADS IN THE PAPER,

THEY'RE ALL PSYCHOS.

LOOK, WHAT'S IT SAY?

"ME... SHY BUT INTERESTED."

OK? SHE MIGHT AS WELL SAY, "ME... LONELY, DEJECTED,

HAVE SPACE IN FREEZER FOR ONE MORE BODY."

WHAT ABOUT THE ONE?

YOU'RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THE ONE,

AND HERE SHE IS.

AREN'T YOU THE LEAST BIT CURIOUS?

NO.

HEY, SHARON, WHY AREN'T YOU AT WORK?

ME?

MM-HMM.

UH, WELL, IT'S UH... "TOXIC AWARENESS" DAY.

BEACON STREET PIZZA.

NO. SORRY, WE DON'T DELIVER ON..."TOXIC AWARENESS" DAY.

OK. ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S GOING ON?

HUH? WHAT ARE YOU GUYS WAITING...

YOU ANSWERED THE AD, DIDN'T YOU?

PETE, I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.

I'M AN ADDICT.

HELLO. MY NAME IS BERG,

AND I'M ADDICTED TO MESSING WITH PETE.

BESIDES, SHE REALLY LIKES YOU.

LIKES ME?

BERG, SHE'S NEVER SPOKEN TO ME.

YEAH, NOT... TECHNICALLY,

BUT I WAS VERY YOU.

I WAS SENSITIVE AND I WAS A GOOD LISTENER

AND I DID THAT THING HE DOES WHEN HE MEETS A GIRL

WHERE HE LOWERS HIS VOICE

LIKE MUCHO GUAPO GUY.

I DON'T LOWER MY VOICE.

HI. I'M PETE.

WHERE DO YOU WORK OUT?

MEANWHILE,

WHERE'S THE FUTURE MRS. DUNVILLE?

SHE SAID 1:00.

IT'S ALMOST 1:00.

LOOK, WHENEVER SHE DOES GET HERE,

SHE'S ALL YOURS.

THIS IS THE THANKS I GET

FOR HELPING YOU FIND THE ONE?

YOU'RE NOT HELPING, OK?

YOU WANT SOME TWISTED GIRL

TO CRUISE THROUGH THAT DOOR AND TORTURE ME

SO YOU GUYS CAN LAUGH.

AND OUR HAPPINESS MEANS NOTHING TO YOU?

I'M NOT YOUR CAT TOY. BYE.

ONCE I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER LOVE AGAIN.

OK, MR. BAUER...

BUT THEN I MOVED TO SEATTLE...

AND YOUR SON CALLED IN ON A RADIO SHOW.

HE SAID YOU WERE LONELY.

THEN YOU MET MEG RYAN ON THE TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER... THE END.

YOU REMEMBERED.

HEY. I'M LOOKING FOR PETER...

PETERSON STREET.

3 BLOCKS SOUTH.

YOU'LL SEE A SIGN... "COFFEE AND BONDAGE."

DAMN.

I THOUGHT WE HAD A LIVE ONE.

SHAKE IT OFF, FOLKS.

LOVE IS ON THE WAY.

OK, OK.

DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?

PETE?

YES. CAN I...

CAN... CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M MOLLY. YOU CALLED.

OH, NO... YES, I DID.

UM, HAVE A SEAT.

I CAN ONLY STAY FOR A MINUTE.

I HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE LIBRARY.

SHEE. WELL, THIS SUCKS.

I'M OUTTA HERE.

YOU PROMISED ME A FREAK.

BELIEVE ME, I'M NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON

WHO PUTS ADS IN NEWSPAPERS.

I MEAN, THERE'S SO MANY PSYCHOS OUT THERE.

I ALMOST WASN'T GONNA SHOW UP,

BUT ALL THOSE THINGS YOU SAID ON THE PHONE

WERE SO PERFECT.

UM, TELL ME, THOSE THINGS I SAID,

WHAT WERE YOUR FAVORITES?

GOSH, UM, EVERYTHING.

ESPECIALLY YOUR LIFE PLAN.

OH, YEAH. GOT TO HAVE A PLAN.

YOUR BELIEF IN FINDING THE ONE.

THAT I DO BELIEVE.

AND ALL THOSE WONDERFUL THINGS YOU SAID ABOUT YOUR ROOMMATE.

I'M SORRY. EXCUSE ME?

YOU KNOW, HOW YOU WOULD GLADLY JUMP ON A GRENADE FOR HIM

BECAUSE, SOMEDAY, HE'S GONNA BE A GREAT DOCTOR WHO SAVES THE WORLD

WHILE GETTING CONTINUALLY BETTER-LOOKING

AND MORE CHARMING AS THE YEARS GO ON.

YES. YES, YES.

OF COURSE.

THE GRENADE SPEECH.

OOPS. I'D BETTER GET BACK.

I HATE TO BE LATE.

HEY, I HATE TO BE LATE, TOO.

REALLY?

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GET TOGETHER

AND DO SOMETHING... RIGHT ON TIME?

I GET OFF WORK AT 6:00.

I'M THERE.

HERE IS MY WORK NUMBER.

I'LL CALL YOU AT 6:00.

DON'T BE LATE.

NEVER AM.

AND IN AN UNBELIEVABLE TURN OF EVENTS,

GOOD HAS TRIUMPHED OVER EVIL.

YOU... TALL, HANDSOME INVESTMENT BANKER

GETTING OUT OF PORSCHE.

ME... TOO SHY TO SAY HELLO.

YOU? TOO SHY?

I'VE SEEN YOU OFFEND CONSTRUCTION WORKERS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO UP TO THE GUY?

BECAUSE THERE IS NO GUY.

IF I'M SPENDING 50 BUCKS FOR THIS AD,

I WANT PERFECTION.

I THINK YOU MIGHT BE SETTING YOUR SIGHTS

JUST A LITTLE TOO HIGH.

AH. YOU'RE RIGHT.

IF YOU WERE DRIVING AN AUDI,

THAT'S OK, TOO.

WHERE'S PETE?

GUESS.

UNBELIEVABLE.

THIS IS THE FOURTH PRACTICE IN A ROW HE'S MISSED.

WE'RE PLAYING FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP.

BUT NO.

MOLLY WANTS TO RIDE BIKES.

MOLLY WANTS TO GO ON A HIKE.

MOLLY WANTS TO HAVE A PICNIC.

DOES ANYBODY ASK WHAT BERG WANTS?

OH, YOU BIG LUNKHEAD, YOUR PLAN BACKFIRED.

PETE'S HOOKED UP WITH A GREAT CHICK,

AND YOU'RE STUCK HERE HOLDING YOUR BALLS.

♪ ANOTHER PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY ♪

I THINK IT'S SWEET.

LOOK WHAT PETE WON ME.

WE NEED TO PRACTICE.

WE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.

NO. THERE ISN'T PLENTY OF TIME.

GRRR! AAH!

I'VE GOT THE WHOLE WEEK LAID OUT.

SHE'S GOT THE WHOLE WEEK LAID OUT.

TONIGHT... MOVIE, ICE CREAM.

AND TOMORROW...

I'VE GOT RESERVATIONS FOR THE BOAT HOUSE

AND TICKETS FOR THE BALLET.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YEAH. IT SAYS SO RIGHT HERE.

TOMORROW NIGHT IS THE "POP 'N SHOT" TOURNAMENT

AT O'MALLEY'S.

OH, MY GOD.

THAT IS TOMORROW.

YES, IT IS.

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOUR PRIORITIES?

MOLLY... BERG'S RIGHT.

WE'LL DO BALLET SOME OTHER NIGHT, OK?

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS COME OVER FOR DINNER,

AND WE'LL ALL GO TO O'MALLEY'S TOGETHER.

HUH?

IS SHE A GREAT GIRL,

OR IS SHE A GREAT GIRL?

♪ ANOTHER PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY... ♪

MOLLY?

IF YOU EVER COME BETWEEN PETE AND ME AGAIN,

I WILL END YOU.

THIS IS A VERY WEIRD DREAM.

THIS IS A VERY BIG BAT.

WELL, AHEM... I'M UP.

SO LAST NIGHT,

THIS GIRL STOOD OVER YOUR BED WITH A BASEBALL BAT?

YES.

AND SHE THREATENED TO END YOU?

YES.

AND THEN SHE JUST VANISHED INTO THE NIGHT?

YES. YES.

AND IN THE MORNING,

DID YOU FIND A SHINY QUARTER UNDER YOUR PILLOW?

YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME.

I SET PETE UP WITH A HOMICIDAL MANIAC.

I MEAN, SHE'S CUTE.

PETE, YOU'RE ALIVE.

BERG, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A HELL OF A DOCTOR.

WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?

I WAS AT MOLLY'S.

AT ANY POINT DURING THE NIGHT,

DID YOU NOTICE THAT SHE AND HER...

BASEBALL BAT WERE MISSING?

I WAS SLEEPING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

MOLLY HAS... HOW CAN I PUT THIS...

A HORRIFYING, SCARY, EVIL, VIOLENT SIDE.

AHA!

YEAH. THAT MUST BE WHY

SHE BAKED YOU MUFFINS THIS MORNING.

DIBS.

NO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BERG, STOP.

THEY MIGHT BE POISONED.

YEAH? WELL, I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES.

PETE, YOU GOTTA HEAR ME.

I WOKE UP LAST NIGHT,

AND MOLLY WAS STANDING OVER MY BED,

THREATENING ME WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

SHE SAID IF I EVER COME BETWEEN YOU AND HER AGAIN,

SHE WILL END ME.

OK, BERG, THAT'S IT.

NO MORE SCARY MOVIES AFTER 9:00.

IT WASN'T A DREAM. IT WAS REAL.

AND SHE WAS THERE.

AW, BERG.

YOU'RE JEALOUS.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JEALOUS. BUT, LISTEN, BUDDY,

I'M ALWAYS GONNA BE PETE,

YOU'RE ALWAYS GONNA BE BERG,

AND WE'RE ALWAYS GONNA BE... PETE AND BERG.

SHUT UP.

YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME.

MOLLY'S LIKE... GIRLFRIEND OF THE CORN.

THERE'S MOLLY.

PETE, THERE'S NO SHAME IN HIDING.

HEY, PUNKIN.

WHAT?

AW, NOTHING. NOTHING.

IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SWEET.

AW, TELL ME, PUNKIN.

ALL RIGHT, WELL... BERG HAD THIS DREAM

THAT YOU CAME INTO HIS ROOM LAST NIGHT

WITH A BASEBALL BAT AND, LIKE...

THREATENED HIM IF HE EVER CAME BETWEEN US.

BERG WILL NEVER... COME BETWEEN US.

HEY, LOOK AT THESE CUTE NAMES I CAME UP WITH.

NAMES FOR WHAT?

OUR 4 KIDS.

ABIGAIL OR ADAM, BELLA OR BRUCE,

CAROLYN OR CARL, DEBBIE OR DENNIS.

SEE HOW I USE THE ALPHABET?

OH, YEAH, THAT'S GREAT, BUT, UH...

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY, YOU KNOW,

THAT BERG COULD IMAGINE SOMEONE AS SWEET AS YOU

DOING SOMETHING AS CRAZY AS THAT?

AS CRAZY AS WHAT?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW...

YOU WOULD NEVER, LIKE, TAKE A BASEBALL BAT

AND, LIKE, BEAT BERG WITH IT.

OH, YES, IN A HEARTBEAT.

LOOK, HERE'S YOU... HERE'S ME...

AND HERE'S ANYONE WHO COMES BETWEEN US.

DO YOU SEE? YOU SEE?

YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO?

YOU ALWAYS COME UP WITH THESE GREAT IDEAS,

AND THEN WHO WINDS UP PAYING FOR THEM?

AHA!

RIGHT? YEAH. THIS TIME, I'M BEING STALKED

BY A DERANGED LIBRARIAN WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

LOOK, PETE, NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT.

YOU HAVE TO DUMP HER.

HE CAN'T DUMP HER.

HE DUMPS HER, SHE KILLS ME.

WELL, THEN SHE'S GONNA HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH YOU.

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

SHE'S TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH ME.

I'M THE ONE.

DAMN THESE PARKER STEVENSON LOOKS.

OK, LET'S JUST THINK.

ALL RIGHT. THIS GIRL'S A LIFE-PLANNER.

SO ARE YOU.

WHAT UPSETS YOUR WORLD THE MOST?

HIM.

SO... BECOME BERG.

BE SPONTANEOUS. BE IMPULSIVE.

DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS.

BE A FLAKE. BE A GOOF.

OK, WE GET IT.

IT DRIVES YOU NUTS.

IT'LL REALLY DRIVE HER NUTS.

THIS ACTUALLY MIGHT WORK.

I'M JUST GONNA ACT LIKE YOU,

AND I'M GONNA DRIVE HER NUTS.

UNLESS, OF COURSE,

SHE CHOPS US UP AND MAKES US INTO QUICHE.

YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A TIME

WHEN I THOUGHT THIS WAS CUTE,

BUT NOW IT SAYS SO MUCH.

LOOK, JUST GET IN, GET DUMPED, AND GET OUT.

THIS GIRL IS SICK.

SHE'S DERANGED. SHE'S DANGEROUS.

HEY! HI!

HOW ARE YOU, SHARON?

REALLY BUSY.

NEVER HAVE TIME TO SEE ANYONE,

ESPECIALLY THESE GUYS

OR MY 2 DOBERMANS THAT SLEEP RIGHT ON MY BED.

WELL, COME ON IN.

NICE TOUCH.

WANNA LIVE.

WELCOME TO MY HOME.

PLEASE, SIGN IN.

OH, I'M SORRY.

I WAS SO BUSY ADMIRING YOUR APARTMENT,

I FORGOT TO... SIGN IN.

WHERE DO YOU MEET THESE PEOPLE?

YOU JUST CAN'T HELP YOURSELF, CAN YOU?

I LOVE TO ENTERTAIN, DON'T I, PUNKIN?

YES, MUFFINS.

I MAKE HIM CALL ME MUFFINS.

AS WELL HE SHOULD.

PUNKIN, WHY DON'T YOU POUR THE WINE?

I'LL GO GET THE HORS D'OEUVRES.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

I CAN'T JUST JUMP INTO SPONTANEITY.

OH, MY GOD.

WHY DO I LOOK DEAD?

I'LL BE IN THE CAR.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

I HAD IT PAINTED FROM A POLAROID I TOOK OF YOU

WHEN YOU WERE ASLEEP.

SHE CERTAINLY KEEPS BUSY DURING THE NIGHT.

PLEASE, SIT.

QUICHE?

DELICIOUS! DELICIOUS! MMM!

OH. THEY'RE A MIXTURE OF COLBY AND CHEDDAR.

PETE, DON'T YOU HAVE A COUSIN NAMED COLBY?

HUH?

OH. OH.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING ABOUT OUR KIDS.

OH. WHAT ABOUT THEM?

I THINK THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD NAME THEM

ALL AFTER... CHEESES.

WHAT?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, GOUDA DUNVILLE.

SWISS DUNVILLE.

CHEDDAR DUNVILLE.

NO, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT THE PLAN.

AND THE LITTLE GENIUS OF THE FAMILY...

CHEEZ WHIZ.

LOOK. WE ALREADY AGREED ON THE NAMES.

PLAN SCHMAN.

OH, LOOK.

WE'RE HAVING A JUNE WEDDING NEXT YEAR.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY WAIT A YEAR?

LET'S JUST RUN OFF TONIGHT, GET MARRIED.

NO, NO. WHAT ABOUT THE SHOWERS

AND THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY

AND PICKING OUT CHINA?

WHO NEEDS IT?

I SAY, WHEN YOU FIND THE ONE, WHY WAIT?

LET'S GO.

PETE. THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I WOULD NEVER DO.

AH. OH, WELL, THEN...

JUST LIKE PLACING THAT AD

WAS SOMETHING I WOULD NEVER DO,

OR ANSWERING IT IS SOMETHING YOU'D NEVER DO.

OH, MY GOD. THIS IS PERFECT.

IT IS?

DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD MAYBE THINK IT OVER?

ARE YOU GONNA STAND IN OUR WAY?

CONGRATULATIONS, PETE.

I'LL GO PACK A BAG.

WHOO-HOO!

WHOO-HOO! ABANDON SHIP.

NO, NO, NO. WHAT'S THE POINT?

SHE KNOWS WHERE WE WORK,

SHE KNOWS WHERE WE LIVE.

NICE GOING, BERG.

I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO PROPOSE.

I'M GOING TO END YOU.

NO, PETE. PETE, DON'T.

WHY NOT?

UH. SORRY, BERG.

WHAT KIND OF TWISTED MIND

ANSWERS A PERSONALS AD FOR SOMEONE ELSE?

WHAT KIND OF DERANGED... WHAT?

AAH! AAH! AAH!

IT WAS BERG WHO CALLED ME?

LOOK, I CAN EXPLAIN.

OK. EXPLAIN.

IT WAS BERG WHO CALLED YOU.

SHE HANDED ME THE PHONE.

YOU MEAN IT'S ALL BEEN A LIE?

YOU'VE BEEN PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE?

YEAH, I'M AFRAID SO.

SO, REALLY, ALL ALONG, IT WAS YOU.

MY SHY CYRANO.

OH... NO.

YEP. YEAH, YEAH.

YOU CAUGHT US.

I'M THE FLAKY ONE.

IT'S ALL BECOMING SO CLEAR.

HE'S NOT THE ONE.

YOU'RE THE ONE.

FATE LED ME TO PETE, AND PETE LED ME TO YOU.

IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

YES, IT DOES.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, BERG.

SHAR, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE LEAVE THESE 2 KIDS ALONE

AND YOU AND I GO PLAY A LITTLE POP 'N SHOT?

WORKS FOR ME.

HAVE FUN, YOU TWO.

DO I NEED TO SIGN OUT?

HI, PUNKIN.

HEY... M-MUFFINS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUTSIDE?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN HIDING.

WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

I'M A FREE MAN.

WHAT ABOUT MOLLY?

GONE.

HOW DID YOU GET RID OF HER?

PLEASE, SIT,

SO YOU CAN MARVEL AT MY BIG BRAIN.

"SAW YOU AT BEACON STREET PIZZA.

"YOU... BLOND HAIR. ME... THE ONE.

"LOVE LIFE PLANS AND QUICHE.

"MEET ME IN SEATTLE. I'LL BE THE GUY,

"AVERAGE HEIGHT, IN JEANS AND A FLANNEL SHIRT.

PLEASE HURRY."

WAIT A MINUTE.

IF IT WAS THAT EASY,

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST DO THAT WHEN SHE WAS STALKING ME?

WHEN SHE WAS STALKING YOU, IT WAS FUNNY.

HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

FINE.

ARE YOU, UH... "TOO SHY TO SAY HELLO"?

YEAH, BUT I'M NOT TOO SHY TO SAY...

GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!