Original subtitles

MAN, BERG'S REALLY BURNING THE MIDNIGHT OIL

WITH THIS MED SCHOOL THING.

YEAH. HE'S OBSESSED.

OK... I NEED TO SEE SOMEBODY'S RECTUM.

FINE.

OH!

BERG, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU INVITED THEM BACK HERE.

IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT.

OH, I HEAR YA.

WE'VE GOT TO SET THE MOOD.

MOOD SET.

BERG, I MEAN US, TONIGHT, AND THESE WOMEN.

EXCUSE ME.

IT IS COMPLETELY RIGHT AND EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED.

WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I NEED.

I'M YOUR DOCTOR.

YOU'RE NOT WELL ENOUGH TO BE ANYONE'S DOCTOR.

AH, NO, THEY FOUND A SPOT.

PETE, THEY MAY CALL IT A STETHOSCOPE,

BUT THIS IS A BABE MAGNET.

OH, MY GOD, HERE THEY COME.

'CAUSE THEY HAVE NO CHOICE.

BERG, BERG,

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH 2 WOMEN WE PICKED UP IN A BAR?

DON'T MAKE ME GET MY ANATOMY BOOK.

BERG, WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH THESE WOMEN.

I DON'T SEE A FUTURE.

ME NEITHER.

BUT I SEE A REALLY FUN PRESENT.

YA GOTTA LEARN TO GO WITH THE MOMENT.

GOOD, 'CAUSE AT THIS MOMENT I'D LIKE TO GO.

GO? GO WHAT, HUH?

ANOTHER 2 MONTHS WITHOUT A DATE?

IT'S TIME YOU GOT OVER MELISSA.

I'M ONLY DOING THIS FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, BERG, I'M BUYING, LIKE, A TENTH OF THAT.

I'LL TAKE IT.

HEY, GUYS, I REALLY NEED TO TALK.

ABOUT WHAT?

WELL... TED CALLED ME AGAIN,

AND I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW... NOT NOW, SHAR.

WE GOT A COUPLE OF LIVE ONES COMING UP.

OH, HI.

HI.

THIS... REMINDS ME OF MY SON'S ROOM.

OK, WELL, GUESS I BETTER LEAVE...

NOW THAT THELMA AND LOUISE ARE HERE.

WHO WANTS A DRINK?

- UH, SCOTCH. - VODKA.

OK. 2 BEERS COMING UP. PETE?

UH, NO. I'M GOOD.

SO, UH, WHICH ONE OF YOU LIVES HERE?

UH, BOTH... LIVE HERE.

SHARE... THE APARTMENT.

A DOCTOR AND AN ARCHITECT WHO HAVE TO SHARE AN APARTMENT.

UH, TECHNICALLY, WE'RE STILL IN GRAD SCHOOL.

ACTUALLY, THIS IS JUST

A LITTLE PLACE WE KEEP IN TOWN.

REALLY. WELL, THEN TELL ME, DOC,

WHERE DO YOU LIKE TO SPEND MOST OF YOUR TIME?

I HAVE A LITTLE PLACE JUST NORTH OF HERE CALLED, UH...

MY BEDROOM.

THAT'S, UH, SOCRATES.

MOST PEOPLE THINK IT'S PLATO, BUT...

SOCRATES.

Berg...

BERG.

YES.

WHERE'S VALERIE'S DRINK?

YOU DIDN'T GET HER DRINK.

I MEAN, SHE'S THIRSTY.

HANDLE IT, PETE.

I can't. Berg. I can't handle it.

YOU SAID YOU'D TRY.

LOOK, VALERIE...

I CAN'T MAKE YOU ANY PROMISES.

CLAUDIA...

UH, EVEN IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TONIGHT, UM...

IT DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN THAT, YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE THE ONE.

OK, SO I JUST WANTED TO CLEAR THE AIR

SO NOBODY'S LEADING ANYBODY ON, OK?

NOW, WITH THAT BEING SAID,

I THINK IT'LL MAKE FOR A MUCH MORE FUN EVENING.

I'LL BE IN THE CAR.

COME VISIT ME AT THE BOWLING ALLEY.

YOU... ARE IN DESPERATE NEED OF REPAIR.

YOU SAW THEM, HUH?

THEY WERE THERE, THEY WERE CUTE, AND THEY WERE READY.

YEAH. FOR MENOPAUSE.

THEY WERE NOT THAT OLD,

BUT ALL PERSONAL BITTERNESS ASIDE, PETE BLEW IT.

HEE HEE HEE... IT'S NOT FUNNY.

WHAT IS THE POINT

OF TELLING SOME SCOTCH-SOAKED BROAD

THAT SHE'S NOT THE ONE?

HEE HEE HEE...

BILL, I'M NOT GONNA ASK YOU AGAIN.

WHAT WAS PETE THINKING?

PETE'S GOT TO LEARN THAT WHEN YOU FALL OFF A HORSE,

YOU GOTTA GET RIGHT BACK ON.

EXACTLY RIGHT.

SO WOMEN ARE HORSES?

I GOTTA GO DELIVER THESE SALADS.

FACE IT, BERG,

HE'S NOT JUST GONNA HOP IN THE SACK

WITH SOME BABE HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

FOR HIM, IT'S GOT TO BE A RELATIONSHIP.

THERE HAS TO BE A FUTURE.

YEAH. WHAT IS WITH THAT?

OUCH!

I'M JUST SAYING HE NEEDS TO SADDLE UP FOR A QUICK RIDE,

THEN HOP RIGHT OFF.

OW!

SHARON...

YOU'RE NOT DATING ANYONE.

SO?

SO... YOU'RE A BABE.

FORGET IT.

LOOK, SHAR, ASIDE FROM A HOOKER,

YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL THAT PETE COULD HAVE SEX WITH

AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FALLING IN LOVE.

GOSH, BERG, WHEN YOU PUT ME UP ON THAT KIND OF PEDESTAL...

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I SO HOPE YOU HAVE A BACKUP PLAN.

HEY, GUYS.

BILL, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

I HAD A ROUGH NIGHT.

WE HEARD.

WE LAUGHED.

BERG, DID YOU HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE?

I DIDN'T HAVE TO.

PETE, I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS...

IS THERE ANY CHANCE WE CAN KEEP IT THAT WAY?

I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND I MET THIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE

ON A BEACH ONE SUMMER.

HER NAME WAS SANDY.

SHE WAS FROM AUSTRALIA.

SUMMER LOVIN', PETE, HAPPENED SO FAST...

TELL ME MORE. TELL ME MORE.

I TOOK HER BOWLING IN THE ARCADE.

THEN WE HUNG OUT, DRANK LEMONADE...

LET ME GUESS... YOU MADE OUT...

UNDER THE DOCK.

WE STAYED OUT TILL 10:00.

OK. THAT'S IT. ALL DONE.

LOOK, BERG, I'M SORRY, MAN.

I'M SORRY I RUINED YOUR SHINDIG.

MAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.

IT'S THIS SIMPLE, OK?

YOU'VE JUST COME OFF THIS MAJOR RELATIONSHIP,

AND NOW YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP

TO FILL THE VOID.

ALL RIGHT.

BUT YOU CAN'T JUST JUMP FROM ONE RIGHT INTO ANOTHER.

YOU NEED A GIRL TO GET YOU BACK IN THE SWING,

A SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH NO FUTURE.

BERG'S RIGHT.

WHAT YOU NEED IS A NICE REBOUND GIRL.

OK. ALL RIGHT, BUT HOW DO YOU GO OUT WITH SOMEONE

KNOWING IT'S NOT GONNA GO ANYWHERE?

BERG?

WELL, THAT'S SOMETHING THAT COMES WITH PRACTICE.

OK. ALL RIGHT, FINE.

WHERE DO I FIND THIS REBOUND GIRL?

I DON'T KNOW.

SHARON, WHERE DO GUYS MEET YOU?

WHERE'S THE LADLE?

I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING.

NOT THE LADLE.

THE NEXT TIME I USE THIS,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HAVE IT SURGICALLY REMOVED.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S PERFECT.

IT'S REALLY NOT, BERG.

SEE, EVEN AFTER THEY SEW YOU UP,

IT'S STILL A WEEK BEFORE YOU CAN WALK.

THANK YOU.

NO, NO, NO. I MEANT THE PERFECT REBOUND GIRL FOR PETE.

WHERE?

IN MED SCHOOL.

COME ON, BERG, I'M FINE.

NO, NO, NO. TRUST ME, OK? THIS IS PERFECT.

SHE'S SMART, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,

AND I'M TELLING YOU UP FRONT...

SHE'S ONLY IN TOWN FOR A FEW WEEKS.

THAT SOUNDS IDEAL.

OH, IT IS IDEAL.

HEH. MY BRAIN IS SO BIG

THAT IT HURTS MY NECK LUGGING IT AROUND.

SO SHE'S NOT A MED STUDENT,

SHE'S NOT A DOCTOR, SHE'S NOT A NURSE.

WHAT IS SHE?

SICK.

YOU SET ME UP WITH A PATIENT?

IT'S NOTHING.

SHE'S JUST HAVING HER LUNGS ROTATED.

COME ON, BERG.

SHE'S RECUPERATING FROM SOME MINOR RESPIRATORY THING.

YOU'LL LOVE HER.

WAIT A MINUTE.

DOES SHE WHEEZE?

PETE, SHE'S A GREAT GIRL.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER.

WHAT'S TO KNOW?

SHE ENJOYS ROCK CLIMBING, HAS 2 DOGS,

AND LOVES ITALIAN OPERA.

BERG, I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING,

BUT I'M JUST NOT READY YET.

IF YOU'RE NOT READY NOW, WHEN WILL YOU BE READY, PETE?

IT'S BEEN 2 MONTHS. YOU'VE COME THIS FAR. JUST MEET HER.

BERG!

LAUREN, THIS IS THE GUY I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU ABOUT.

PETE DUNVILLE, LAUREN HENDERSON.

LAUREN HENDERSON, PETE DUNVILLE.

LAUREN AND PETE... MICHAEL BERGEN.

WHY LEAVE MYSELF OUT?

WHEN... I MIGHT AS WELL JUST LET MYSELF OUT.

OK.

TAKE HIM EVERY 4 HOURS AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING.

BUON GIORNO.

HOW YOU DOING, PETE?

ALL OF A SUDDEN, MUCH BETTER.

SAME HERE. OH, HAVE A SEAT.

GRAZIE.

BERG. SO HE TOLD YOU I LIKE ITALIAN OPERA.

YEAH.

LA ROBA LAVATA DEL NOSTRO VICINO E CADUTA.

THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS OUR NEIGHBOR'S LAUNDRY HAS FALLEN.

WHOA!

BIG BRAIN.

BILL, MR. BAUER STILL DOESN'T LIKE THE PIZZA.

HEY, BAUER, WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY PIZZA?

BILL, I'M AFRAID... GREASE IS THE WORD.

OH, SIT DOWN.

MAN... GROWNUPS JUST DO NOT GET ME.

SO... WHAT CAN I GET YOU 2 LOVEBIRDS?

NOTHING, PETE. WE'RE FINE.

HMM?

SORRY.

HE RECENTLY MET A GIRL HE REALLY LIKES, SO...

I GUESS THAT MAKES 2 OF US.

EXCELLENT ANSWER.

HOW WE DOING, FOLKS?

UM, TODAY WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL SPRING CALZONE

WITH SEASONAL PEPPERS AND 3 KINDS OF CHEESE,

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.

BILL HAS ALSO PREPARED HIS FAMOUS CHICKEN SAUSAGE PIZZA.

IT'S THE TALK OF THE SAUSAGE COMMUNITY.

TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.

WHAT THE HELL IS A SPRING CALZONE?

IT'S, UH... IT'S A CALZONE.

IT'S SPRINGTIME.

I MISS THE OLD PETE, THE SAD PETE.

NOW, HE WAS FUNNY.

I HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD LAUGH IN...

EXACTLY 10 DAYS.

10 GLORIOUS, ROMANTIC DAYS...

ALL THANKS TO THIS GUY.

EVERYONE, LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR MY PAL BERG.

WHOO-HOO!

ALL RIGHT, SUNSHINE,

GET OVER THERE AND CHOP SOME ONIONS

UNTIL YOU AT LEAST LOOK SAD.

WE GOTTA TALK.

BERG, HANK.

HANK, MY OBTRUSIVE FRIEND BERG.

HOW YA DOIN'?

SO YOU'RE A MARINE BIOLOGIST?

YEAH, RIGHT, AND...

SHE WORKS FOR A CHEMICAL COMPANY.

SHE KILLS ALGAE FOR A LIVING.

THERE'S NO FUTURE HERE, HANK.

HO, GOD, WOULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR JUST A MINUTE?

YEAH. SURE.

STEP INTO MY OFFICE.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS MAJOR.

WHAT IS SO MAJOR

THAT YOU WERE WILLING TO RISK THE LADLE?

PETE'S REBOUND GIRL IS GONNA DIE.

WHAT?

I MISREAD THE CHART.

YOU SET HIM UP WITH A DYING GIRL?

I DIDN'T KNOW.

OH, MY GOD. POOR PETE.

♪ ANOTHER PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY ♪

♪ HERE IN STATUS SYMBOL LAND... ♪

WE CAN'T SIT ON THIS.

HOW YA GONNA TELL HIM?

UH... NO WAY.

YOU GOT HIM INTO THIS, YOU TELL HIM.

IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A REBOUND GIRL.

HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HER.

DO YOU WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH,

OR DO YOU WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?

WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.

BERG, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT THE REBOUND THING.

THEREFORE NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

HOW COULD SHE NOT HAVE TOLD HIM?

I MEAN, YOU'D THINK THIS WOULD BE

THE TYPE OF THING THAT YOU TELL SOMEONE.

- YOU'D THINK. - HE MUST KNOW.

♪ AND MR. GREEN, HE'S SO SERENE ♪

♪ HE'S GOT A TV IN EVERY ROOM... ♪

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT'S THE RULE ON HOW LONG YOU CAN DATE A REBOUND GIRL?

UH, THE BOOK SAYS ANYWHERE FROM ONE WEEK TO A MONTH AND A HALF.

OK. THIS COULD WORK.

NOW, IT'S ALMOST BEEN 2 WEEKS.

I JUST GOT TO GET HIM TO BREAK UP WITH HER BEFORE HE FINDS OUT.

YEAH. THAT'S GOING TO BE EASY.

♪ WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE ♪

♪ LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE ♪

♪ THAT'S AMORE ♪

- HANK, I REALLY HAD FUN. - YEAH. SO DID I.

JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO MEET SOMEBODY...

I KNOW. TELL ME ABOUT IT.

I'M COMING OFF A 6-YEAR RELATIONSHIP.

SO I'M YOUR REBOUND GIRL?

WELL... YEAH, I GUESS YOU ARE.

WELL, BEATS RENTING VIDEOS.

A FEW WEEKS AGO YOU WERE MOPING AROUND,

MELISSA THIS, MELISSA THAT, MELISSA, MELISSA, MELISSA.

NOW LOOK AT YOU.

YEAH, AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU.

YOU KNOW, WITH LAUREN,

I MEAN, YOU KNOW HOW, LIKE,

I'M ALWAYS, LIKE, "THIS GIRL'S GREAT,

BUT SHE'S NOT THE ONE. SHE'S NOT THE ONE."

OF COURSE SHE'S NOT THE ONE.

NO. THAT'S JUST IT.

LAUREN MIGHT BE THE ONE.

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY YOU HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH HER.

WHAT? NO WAY.

PETE, COME ON.

YOU KNOW, THESE RULES HAVE BEEN CLEARLY ESTABLISHED.

IF LAUREN'S THE ONE, THEN YOU'RE WASTING HER

AS YOUR REBOUND GIRL,

THEREBY COMPLETELY TAKING HER OUT OF CONTENTION TO BE...

THE ONE.

SO ACCORDING TO YOU, I NEED TO BREAK UP WITH LAUREN

TO FIND A GIRL I DON'T LIKE

SO I CAN GET BACK WITH LAUREN, WHO I'M ALREADY WITH.

NOW YOU GOT IT.

NO, I DON'T.

PETE, THERE'S SOMETHING I GOT TO TELL YOU.

FIRE AWAY.

LAUREN IS... LAUREN'S WHAT?

NOT... RECUPERATING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S JUST A RESPIRATORY THING.

PETE... I WAS WRONG.

I MISREAD THE CHART.

I DON'T THINK THAT SHE HAS THAT LONG TO LIVE.

BERG, IF YOU'RE SCREWING AROUND WITH ME...

I WOULDN'T...

YOU SET ME UP WITH A DYING WOMAN?

I DIDN'T KNOW. I DIDN'T KNOW.

HOW HARD IS IT TO READ A CHART?

THE WRITING IS SO SMALL.

OH...

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

ICE SKATING. WHERE DO YOU THINK I'M GOING?

I'M GOING TO TALK TO HER.

IT'S PAST VISITING HOURS. THEY'RE NOT GOING TO LET YOU IN.

THEY WILL IF I'M WITH YOU.

TESTS.

TESTS. SHE'S PROBABLY DOWNSTAIRS HAVING TESTS.

EVERY DAY THEY DRAG HER DOWNSTAIRS FOR SOME MORE TESTS.

EXCUSE ME. WE'RE HERE TO SEE LAUREN HENDERSON.

OH, I'M SORRY, BUT SHE'S GONE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE'S GONE?

I'M SORRY.

HEY, GUYS.

UH...

LAUREN! OH!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

THAT... WOULD BE ME.

YOU MEAN, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE?

SORRY.

NO. I MEAN, THAT'S... THAT'S GREAT.

I JUST HAD THIS LITTLE RESPIRATORY THING.

THEY RELEASED ME.

I LEFT YOU A MESSAGE ON YOUR HOME MACHINE.

PETE, DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?

I READ THE CHART RIGHT ON MY FIRST TRY.

LAUREN...

I... I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO LOSE YOU.

ON MY WAY OVER HERE, I REALIZED HOW SHORT LIFE IS,

HOW LITTLE TIME WE HAVE.

LOOK, IN 3 WEEKS MY SEMESTER'S OVER.

LET'S GO SEE PAVAROTTI.

LET'S GO TO ITALY.

LET'S GO SEE PAVAROTTI IN ITALY.

FIRST YOU MIGHT WANT TO SEE HIM IN YES, GIORGIO.

GEE, PETE... I'M GOING HOME TO COLORADO.

COLORADO? COLORADO'S SO FAR.

NOT IF YOU'RE IN DENVER.

PETE, YOU CAN COME AND VISIT.

I DON'T WANT TO JUST COME AND VISIT.

LOOK, LAUREN, ONCE YOU'VE HAD A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE,

I MEAN, YOUR WHOLE OUTLOOK SHOULD CHANGE.

PETE, I DIDN'T HAVE A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE.

OK, BUT, I MEAN, WHAT WE DID HAVE...

DIDN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

NO. IT... IT WAS GREAT.

IT WAS WONDERFUL.

BUT THAT WASN'T WHAT THIS WAS ALL ABOUT.

I WAS JUST COMING OUT OF A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP,

AND SO WERE YOU.

YOUR LIFE IS HERE IN BOSTON,

AND MY LIFE IS IN COLORADO.

THAT'S WHY BERG SAID WE'D BE PERFECT TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SHOULD DO?

MAKE BIGGER CHARTS.

THAT WAY... YOU COULD WRITE BIGGER.

MY CHARIOT AWAITS.

WE'LL KEEP IN TOUCH.

SURE.

WH-WH-WH-WHERE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO THE PSYCHIATRIC WARD...

TO FIND OUT WHY I'M FRIENDS WITH YOU.

THERE YOU ARE. WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

I JUST NEEDED A LITTLE TIME.

WELL, BY CHANCE, IN THAT TIME

DID YOU MANAGE TO FIND THE BRIGHT SIDE?

'CAUSE WE JUST COULDN'T.

NAH. I'M STILL WORKING ON IT.

I DO WANT TO THANK YOU, THOUGH.

OH... THAT'S SO NOT NECESSARY.

FOR INTRODUCING ME TO A WOMAN

WHO BROKE MY HEART TWICE IN 8 MINUTES.

WHILE I WAS MOURNING HER PASSING,

SHE POPPED OUT OF THE JOHN TO DUMP ME.

BUT THROUGH ALL THIS, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT MELISSA.

THAT I'LL GIVE YOU.

ALL PART OF MY MASTER PLAN.

YOU ARE JUST A BIG, LONG PROBLEM.

I SAY WE GO GRAB A DRINK. SHAR?

OK. LET'S DO IT.

I'LL TELL YOU THIS...

I AM DEFINITELY READY TO START DATING AGAIN.

ALL RIGHT, PETE.

NO RELATIONSHIP COULD POSSIBLY END WORSE THAN THIS ONE.

I LOVE A CHALLENGE.

♪ ANOTHER PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY ♪

♪ CHARCOAL BURNING EVERYWHERE ♪

♪ SEE MRS. GRAY, SHE'S PROUD TODAY ♪

♪ BECAUSE HER ROSES ARE IN BLOOM ♪

♪ AND MR. GREEN, HE'S SO SERENE ♪

♪ HE'S GOT A TV IN EVERY ROOM ♪