Original subtitles

First they bury me in Dutch hell,

and now I have to deal with some CIA bastard?

What the hell are you doin' on my base?

Probably running some kind of foreign op

that you're gonna screw up just like Afghanistan in '79,

Afghanistan in '89, Afghanistan in '99,

and Afghanistan in '21.

- Sir, what's wrong? - Yeah?

I hear you grumbling to yourself in the hallway.

CIA agent on base in full uniform.

Hawaiian shirt and a BS attitude?

-Mm-hmm. -Ugh...

-CIA bastards. -Yeah.

-Always screwin' up. -Mm-hmm.

- Iran in '53... - Mm-hmm.

- Iran in '84. - Mm-hmm.

- Iran in 2000. - Is he wearing flip-flops?

He's showin' feet on a US Army base?

Save it for your OnlyFans, you pervert!

Yeah, and this douche went over my head

and got a room on Stroopsdorf,

like we're his personal Holiday Inn Express.

Let me tell you something, he thinks he's gonna pull

some kinda covert action here? Uh-uh.

Mm-mm. Well, we know their playbook.

-They only got two moves. -That's right.

-Druggin' and buggin'. Mm-hmm. -Mm...

I'll tell you one thing,

he is not gonna pull any depraved...

Wait, did my daughter just...

Jump into his arms like she's headed

to the fantasy suite on The Bachelor?

She did, and I don't like it one bit.

Ugh, you know I've been stabbed three times,

and this cuts the deepest?

I'm so happy that you're here.

We're gonna spend every second

of the next 48 hours together.

How'd you even manage to get this much leave last minute?

I told my commander I had "lady stuff."

Nothing stops a man in his tracks

like that phrase.

Babe, do you have "lady stuff?"

Oh, no, my period is a week away,

and my pH balance is stronger than a country club pool's.

Oh, yes.

But we have to get out of here, because this--

I am Colonel Patrick Quinn, commander of USAG Stroopsdorf,

and I demand to know why you are here, mister.

Brother, I'd tell you, but then I'd have to--

Finish that sentence, and he might kill ya.

Colonel Quinn, Special Agent Rick Silver.

Wasn't expecting to meet Maggie's old man.

Thanks for hosting me on your base.

I am not "hosting" you.

You are not some Swedish au pair

I'm bringing in to take care of the baby.

Why are you on my base?

He's here to visit me.

He's my special man-friend.

So it's casual, or are we headed

in a certain direction? Just for clarity.

How long has this been going on?

-Three years. -Three years?

I raised you better than that.

You didn't raise me at all.

You're right. I didn't. But some stepfather...

should have stepped in, thus the title,

and told you not to date manipulative liars.

-Whoa. -But no.

Your mother never got remarried.

-So... I am. -Oh, you're blaming mom.

-It's your mother's fault. -What is wrong with you?

You know what? I think we've uncovered

enough family trauma for today.

Colonel, honestly, man to man,

I really care about your daughter, and, uh,

yeah, I-I-I will say I appreciate this display

of protectiveness, gorilla thing.

That's right. I am a gorilla, pal.

Don't forget it.

Sir, we have an emergency that requires...

-your immediate attention. -Of course, we do.

Because I have a real job.

One that requires closed-toe shoes, pal.

The NATO conference in Belgium is in 48 hours.

The leaders of 32 countries

are putting their very lives in our hands.

And more importantly, their laundry.

You gotta be kiddin' me.

The stakes have never been higher.

That's right, people.

We are doing the laundry

for the entire NATO conference.

This is our Super Bowl!

Now, to fire you up even further,

here is Colonel Quinn.

Do not screw up this laundry assignment, or do.

I-I don't care. Dismissed.

Uh, this was not an emergency.

Uh, the only clear and present danger here is B.A.

tryin' to fold that fitted sheet.

This operation is important, sir.

So important that I'm taking the laundry

to the conference personally.

Which is why I need you to sign off

on these temporary clearances for me and Private B.A.

Okay, let me get this straight.

So, you want a security clearance on the day

that a CIA agent arrived on the base.

That's what you're telling me, huh?

With all due respect, if I was their CIA asset,

they would not throw me in Stroopsdorf.

You don't hide your Manolos in the closet.

-Yeah. That tracks. -Sign here?

With a spy on the base, I just feel like I gotta--

Spy? That's crazy. Initial here?

Keep my head on a swivel, you know.

I hate that for you. Initial there.

-Yeah, okay. -Wow.

- I have to say, I am surprised. - I know, right?

It's crazy they can fit a camera and a microphone in there.

Can I keep it for the day? Just to mess with people?

-Please? -No, no. It's gotta be flawless.

My next assignment is posing as a jeweler in Russia.

If everything goes right, this baby's gonna be

on Putin's niece's finger in a week.

How about we do a little role play?

I'll be Putin's niece.

She's a horrible person, complicit in a lot of deaths.

Yeah. I'll just...

I'm just gonna...

Okay. Hmm...

But honestly, the only person that I want right now is you.

Mm... Oh!

Message through the wall for Captain Maggie,

your dad's looking for you.

Oh, my God. Are the walls this thin?

I don't normally sleep in the barracks.

Oh, don't worry. I had my headphones in

almost the whole time.

Almost.

Mm...

- Oh, my God. - Mm...

It's like Italian marble.

Yeah, it's like marble.

When're you gonna lose some weight?

As soon as you don't need my technological genius.

-How about a diet? -Sir, I'm a plus-size soldier.

Hey, there's no such thing.

Well, last nude I sent got a thumbs up emoji.

From who? Never mind. I don't wanna know.

Check the phone. They always bug the phone.

You don't seriously still use a landline?

- Yes. - What's next?

You're gonna tell me you're leavin' voicemails?

-What's wrong with voicemails? -You may as well,

what, whisper in a bottle

and throw it in the ocean. I'm takin' this.

What do you mean you're taking it? I need that.

You don't need this and I'm doin' it for you, man.

You gotta get in the same century as me, brotha.

-Get a haircut. -Get a smartphone.

-Uh, I swear... -Was he sweeping for bugs?

You think that Rick is bugging you?

Your paranoia is outta control.

Watch your tone, young lady, all right?

I know what I'm dealing with. I know CIA agents.

-I know their playbooks, okay? -Uh-huh. Mm.

And I don't want you seeing Rick anymore.

I don't want you seeing Rick anymore.

Your window for being an overprotective dad closed

like 15 years ago.

I am an adult woman and I'm gonna date who I want.

-Was that it? -Okay, you're right.

I don't have a leg to stand on as your father,

but as your commanding officer, I am revoking...

your 48-hour leave immediately.

-What? -Yes, we have an emergency...

laundry situation that I need all hands on deck for...

-including yours. -You're grounding me?

I-I'm c-commanding you.

I'm your boss, I'm telling you I want you

in the laundry complex for the next two days.

But this is so unfair.

I never get to see Rick.

-So you're used to it. -You are ruining my life!

Oh, my God!

I like that door open.

No, you don't.

You just don't want me to slam it.

I don't care if you slam it. Just leave it open after you do.

Oh, my God.

Adult woman, huh? Real grown up.

Eh, Papadakis!

I cannot believe

that my dad has grounded me from seeing Rick.

I'm not 16, okay? I know what I'm doing.

Do I think I'm gonna marry Rick Silver? No.

Well, you tend to go for unavailable guys.

Mile High man, the pilot.

-I... -Reminds me a lot of Rick.

Okay, maybe I have a type, you know.

Career-oriented, high-achieving, not too clingy,

hyper-masculine.

And it does not get more masculine than Rick Silver.

Wow, horny shiver, good?

Horny shiver good. The sex is sensational.

You know that I can't date anybody above or below my rank,

and I am the only captain on the entire base.

So when he is here, I have to save up those sexual memories.

I'm-I'm like a squirrel storing up nuts for winter.

Sergeant Conway, should I try the tux now?

All right, B.A., avoid the cummerbund.

-It's the fitted sheet of belts. -Copy.

Since when do you need a tux to deliver laundry...

-to the NATO conference? -Oh, you don't.

But you do need one to sneak into the NATO ball after.

-Ooh. -And I can get four years...

of schmoozin' done in four hours.

How're you gonna sneak in?

I'm gonna come in in a stunning gown

with B.A. on my arm.

He is the perfect plus-one.

Handsome in an unremarkable way, like a print model...

-for athleisure wear. -Huh.

Conway, these pants are really tight

in certain areas.

Ugh!

What in the John Ham is goin' on here?

-So these pants don't fit me. -We talked about this.

You are supposed to be unremarkable, unmemorable.

We have to find a 24-hour tailor immediately.

-Oh, aye, aye, aye. -It's the... I'm still...

-I'm a human being. -Oh, oh!

Um, wait, before you go, can you please help me?

You want me to help you figure out how to get laid?

You could get anything to anyone, anywhere,

and I need a package delivered. Into my pants.

Damn, Maggie. Okay.

I will send everybody home early.

The colonel said you can't leave, he didn't say anything

about somebody coming here.

Maybe multiple times.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, man, I really appreciate

you doin' this counter op with me.

Maggie is too special to end up with that jackass.

-Right. -I mean, can you imagine

if they had kids? There's a 50% chance

their child would genetically yearn

to destabilize nation states.

-I mean, that's just math. -Science.

He's really cast a spell on her.

-Yeah. -Right?

-But I'm usin' it against him. -What're you talkin' about?

Well, I grounded Maggie, and she asked him to come to her,

which leaves his little den of perversion unoccupied

for us to investigate.

You mean used your own daughter as bait?

Yeah, so we can get the evidence we need to break them up.

We're dealing with the CIA.

We've got to get our hands dirty

'cause they're covered in manure.

Yeah.

Great idea, babe.

I haven't gotten a "you up?" text in a while.

Mm. You know, I've never sent one before.

Uh, not successfully. I sent one to my dentist once,

but fortunately she wasn't up.

Um, everyone's going to be at the dining facility

for a four-course meal, we have an hour to ourselves.

Whoa.

There's no drugs, no bugs, just all these Hawaiian shirts.

He's got one for, like, every day of the week.

Disgusting. How can he be on a spy mission with no equipment?

You have to hide it better.

I know. I know, I usually use--

Let me try to, uh...

- Oh, my God! Oh! - Tape it to your leg.

Maybe Rick's got partners, and they're doing the bugging.

I'm sorry, it is not possible.

I just don't know what you want me to do with that.

Oh, God, every woman who's ever seen it

has said exactly the same thing.

Well, figure something out.

Hey, Conway. I can hear you.

I knew you were a spy.

I'm not a spy, sir.

I'm just taking laundry to the NATO conference

and sneaking into the NATO ball afterwards but that...

-is purely for my own interest. -Oh, my God.

You know what? Neither one o' you is going anywhere, okay?

Your security clearances are revoked.

- But, sir, I... - No, that's it.

It's an order.

All right, there's gotta be something in here to prove

to Maggie that that CIA dirtbag isn't worth her time.

You'd think the flip-flops would have done it, right?

But, no... Oh, my God.

It's Taya Reserve. 30-year-old. Triple distilled.

This is the stuff they keep in this special barrel.

This is like $15,000.

I know. That's why we're gonna drink it.

It is unopened. He will notice.

It's supposed to be, like, the best.

Oh, my God.

-You found an open bottle? -No, much worse.

Rick is telling the truth.

-Wow. -He's here for Maggie.

This definitely deserves a drink, right? Ow.

Whoo! It looks like we set the mission back a few hours.

Hey, babe. I've been thinkin'.

There's somethin' I want to try with you.

Oh, I've already told you. I'm so in.

I mean, you know, Peggy is actually...

-a nickname for Margaret. -Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, that's super, super hot.

But I've been thinkin' about it.

You're so smart.

-We've got great chemistry. -Mm-hmm.

-You've got access. -Mm-hmm.

I want you to help me spy...

on the NATO conference.

W-wait. Is that why you're here?

It is. You know those bugs that fit in the ring?

Well, insert those into these pillowcases,

and then your team will deliver them to the conference.

The best part is when the CIA's involvement is exposed,

and it always is, we'll blame the whole thing on your dad.

So my dad has been right this entire time?

No, I did also really wanna see you.

I mean, warrantless wiretapping is a natural aphrodisiac.

- Yeah. - Baby, you're being weird.

I know what the problem is.

You're still horny. Come here.

Oh, no. No, I'm not. Thank you.

-Yeah. -Oh. Well, I am.

So I'm gonna take care of business in one of these.

That's perfect.

-Hey. -Colonel, I was hoping...

-you had a moment. -Yeah, come on in.

I wanted to talk to you.

Um, last night, I realized that...

Hey, listen. I'm gonna go first

because I'm more important than you, and so--

Yeah, I think you're gonna wanna let me go first...

-because really, you're gonna... -No, no, no, no...

love what I have to say. So...

Let-let me just say this.

I was wrong.

-Are you having a stroke? -No.

-How's your arm? -I wish I was havin' a stroke.

But no, I thought that, you know, Rick was here

for nefarious reasons. Turns out that he's...

Actually is here for you.

So I was wrong and you were right.

You were wrong and I was right.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, wow, um...

Sorry. Am I smiling?

-I just can't stop smiling. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So listen, I still hate the guy, okay?

-Uh-huh. -And I-I still don't trust him.

But I just wish, you know, if I...

Knowin' that he was here for you, I wish

I hadn't hated him so much to his stupid handsome face.

Well, he is here for me and only me.

- He's gonna propose to you. - What?

Yeah, I searched his room and, uh, found a ring.

-Found a ring? The ring? -Yep.

-Found a big engagement ring. -You found...

-a big engagement ring for me? -Yes.

-Mm-hmm. -Okay, I'm caught up.

Well, what're you gonna say when he proposes?

Uh...

A girl never knows until she's proposed to...

-you know? Lady stuff. -Right.

That's "lady stuff?" It's just a big umbrella.

- Yeah-- - You know, I know he's here...

to ask my permission.

-So I'm gonna go over. -Oh!

Talk to him, and if he offers me some of that delicious scotch...

-I am not gonna refuse it. -No, no, no, no, no, no.

-You can't do that. -Why?

Unfortunately, he's on

a b-bike tour, a long bike tour.

Well, I'll just find him when he comes back.

Well, no, I'll find him when he comes back.

Because I miss him so much.

Oh! I'm just gonna go get my hands on him and squeeze him.

Weird.

Oh, thank you.

I can't believe that it's come to this.

Why do you need this?

Uh, I've really painted myself into a corner.

I have maybe 20 minutes before Rick gets back,

and before he does, I've got to save the base

from the CIA and figure out a way to break up with him,

all before my dad talks to him and realizes that he was right

I was wrong about, actually, everything, ever.

That's a lot of plates in the air.

-Yeah, it is. Yeah. -Yeah, okay.

Um, what if you don't get to, you know?

I'll marry Rick. I'll marry Rick,

I'll have his children, I'll do anything

before I admit to my dad that he was right and I was wrong.

Did you solve your thing?

Oh, yeah. I got him a kilt.

Genius.

-Hi. -Oh, wow.

-Gettin' ready for round three. -No, stop.

Have you seen my dad? Talked to my dad?

-Anything with my dad? -Mm, no.

-Hey, what's up? -Hi.

-Well... Rick. -Colonel.

-How's it hangin', big dog? -It's hangin' pretty good.

I think you and I have to have a little, uh, talk, right?

But what if, er, we started with a drink?

-Some of that nice whiskey. -Oh, yeah.

-Yeah. All right. -You don't have to twist my arm.

It's a rare Reserve 30. Sorry, guys.

That's for Kim Jong-Un's bodyguards.

-Hold it. Oh! That... -All right.

Mm-hmm. It's the aroma.

-Ooh, I like that. -The agency's gonna kill me.

-Look at that. -All right, to...

-Mm... -Okay.

That is nice. Mm.

You know, I gotta say, Rick, I hope Maggie is right about you

and that you're not your typical CIA scumbag just drugging...

Mmm... Ugh!

I did not drug him.

I know. I did.

I really wanted the chance to speak to you without...

-my dad listening. -What?

So you tampered with the bottle while I was gone?

The seal wasn't even broken.

Oh, I borrowed drugs from a friend and used

a syringe and went in through the cork?

I did not know you had that in you.

Well, all this, like, spy stuff is just making me crazy.

And, I mean, bugging a NATO conference?

-Yeah. -How would that even work?

Baby, it's super simple.

We'll just sew bugs into the pillowcases...

-Mm-hmm. -And then I can secretly spy

on our most trusted allies.

But what if we get caught?

Oh, baby, baby, baby.

We're definitely gonna get caught. We're the CIA.

And when we do, we'll blame the whole thing on your dad.

-Right. Right. -Yes. Yes.

-Okay. Um... -Let's do it.

-Oh, the one problem, though. -Yeah?

-I'm not gonna do any of that. -Oh.

I'm not gonna let my dad take the fall.

Okay. Fine. I'll do it myself.

Oh, no, you can't.

No, 'cause I've been bugging you, baby.

Sure did, Captain Maggie!

These walls are paper thin.

If anything, they amplify the sound.

It's like you guys are shouting at me.

What?! Drugging and bugging?

-Hmm. -I am so turned on right now.

All right, please don't do stuff, though, okay?

Captain Maggie's like a mother to me, and it's actually

not the kind of porn I'm into.

All right. To you and me.

My dad can't know that I drugged him,

or else he would know he was right about you,

which would defeat the whole purpose

of drugging him in the first place.

So you and I have to drug ourselves...

to a plausible deniability.

-And if I don't? -Well, I'll release the tape...

your cover will be blown, and they'll stick you behind

a desk at Langley, or they'll enforce a business

casual dress code.

I think I love you.

Are you for real, or...?

Honestly, I don't even know anymore.

Yeah.

The things we could have done together.

Cheers.

Honestly, I'm impervious to drugs now, anyway.

Oh. Shut up.

-We're still good, right? -No.

Get off the base and back where you belong!

Destabilizing the Middle East!

You know, I still can't believe

that all three of us were drugged.

You just got to assume that Rick was the target,

and we were collateral damage.

Yeah, probably the Russkies.

I hear, uh, Putin's niece is a real piece of work.

Hey, I decided to end things with Rick...

-by the way. -Good.

-Great. -I mean, he's a great guy.

-I was right about that, but... -Yeah.

I just can't see myself in his world, you know?

No, he's always comin' and goin' as he pleases.

-Forget about it. -Yeah, I know, I have a type.

And he's a total narcissist.

I can prove it because I took

the online test and I-I-I pretended I was him.

-I got 100, and that's bad. -Oh, my God.

-What? -You are him.

-What? -Rick is, is you.

He's, uh, ob-obsessed with his career,

never around, a narcissist. I'm... dating my dad.

God, you don't wanna do that.

I got three failed marriages under my belt.

It's official, okay? I'm not marriage material.

Now, you can do way better than me.

Sheesh.

Sad, right? 30 years of potential, down the drain.

Okay, don't be weird. I will find someone eventually.

No, I'm talkin' about the scotch.

I can't even remember how it tastes.

I go to the ball, you get the scotch.

Yeah, yeah, no, you're goin' to the ball.

- Oh, thank you, sir! - Yeah, well. Wow!

-Thank you! -Wow!

Hey, have a good time.

- Yes! I will! - Oh, my God.

Oh, there it is.

Why is it always the dumb one?

You're tellin' me.

It's going so well!