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1
00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:04,605
("Open Your Heart" by Madonna
playing)
2
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,507
CHRIS ROCK:
Out of all the girls
I liked growing up,
3
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:07,775
the one that got to me
the most...
4
00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:09,710
(laughs)
...was Tasha.
5
00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:11,412
Boy, you so crazy.
6
00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:13,581
She was cute,
she liked my jokes,
7
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:15,549
but the most important thing
about her
8
00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:17,585
was that she was
the girl next door.
9
00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:18,752
I'll see you later.
10
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:19,887
Yeah, see you.
11
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:22,623
Like real estate,
Tasha's biggest selling point
12
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:25,293
was location,
location, location.
13
00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:27,828
I think I'm going to get Tasha
to be my girlfriend.
14
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,330
Wow, what a coincidence.
15
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,065
How's that?
I think I'm gonna get
16
00:00:31,099 --> 00:00:32,666
Janet Jackson
to be my girlfriend,
17
00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:34,368
and once we both achieve
the impossible,
18
00:00:34,402 --> 00:00:35,803
we can go
on a double date.
19
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:36,804
We'll go
to the Playboy Mansion.
20
00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:38,806
And the girls will leave
with Pauly Shore.
21
00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:40,541
I'm serious, man, I
don't care what it takes.
22
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:41,675
I'm going to get her.
23
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:43,677
That line was spoken
by many people,
24
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:44,878
most notably O.J. Simpson.
25
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:47,681
I mean, I don't know why I've
been running all around town
26
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,683
when there's a girl right
next door ready to be plucked.
27
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:50,851
What if she doesn't want you
to pluck her?
28
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:51,752
Somebody's got
to pluck her.
29
00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:53,454
What if somebody else
already plucked her?
30
00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:54,488
I don't care
who's plucked her.
31
00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:56,124
She's gonna get
plucked by me.
32
00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,758
I wish there was
somebody I could pluck.
33
00:00:57,791 --> 00:01:01,095
Thank goodness these guys
are good with enunciation.
34
00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:02,596
I don't know why
I waited so long.
35
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:03,664
I don't know,
maybe there's a reason
36
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:04,465
you haven't gotten
with her.
37
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:05,766
Maybe you're just
not supposed to be
38
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:07,201
together.
39
00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:08,202
That's impossible.
40
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:09,203
All right?
41
00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:11,572
She kissed me
on New Year's Eve.
42
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:12,606
We were together
for Easter.
43
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:14,508
She even got jealous
when I kissed that other girl
44
00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:16,810
while we were playing
spin the bottle.
45
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:19,780
As far as I'm concerned,
all the signs are saying "go."
46
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:21,349
But they don't say where to.
47
00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:22,550
What if she says no?
48
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,318
Then I'll be
back here with you,
49
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:27,355
but I'm going to have her
in my life or out.
50
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:30,424
Oh, I can't imagine
how this might turn out.
51
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:46,207
* Ah, make it funky now.
52
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:56,284
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
53
00:01:56,284 --> 00:02:04,625
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
54
00:02:04,658 --> 00:02:08,662
("Every Little Thing She Does
Is Magic" by The Police playing)
55
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:10,364
Tasha, wait up.
56
00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:12,200
Since Tasha was
right next door,
57
00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:14,868
it was easy to find
the right time to make my move.
58
00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:15,869
Hey, Chris.
59
00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:16,904
Look at you,
looking all cute.
60
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:20,174
What you got, some girl
you're trying to impress?
61
00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:21,642
Yeah... you.
62
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,611
(laughing):
Boy, you so crazy.
63
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,313
Oh, I'm crazy all right.
64
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:27,648
Tasha, I'm not crazy.
65
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:30,184
I'm serious.
66
00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:31,419
* I just lose my nerve...
67
00:02:31,452 --> 00:02:32,853
I want to say
something to you,
68
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,522
but I want to make it
very, very clear.
69
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:35,523
Okay.
70
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:36,690
What is it?
71
00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:37,891
I want you to be
my girlfriend.
72
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,661
I'm already your
girl friend.
73
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:44,865
No, not in like a friend who
just so happens to be a girl
74
00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:46,800
or like "Hey, girlfriend."
75
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:50,838
No, I want you
to be my girlfriend.
76
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:52,406
One word,
not two.
77
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:53,374
Girlfriend,
as in
78
00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:55,709
"Chris and Tasha
are boyfriend and girlfriend."
79
00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:58,546
You want me to be
your girlfriend?
80
00:02:58,579 --> 00:02:59,780
Exactly.
81
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,216
Hmm...
82
00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:03,951
Let me think about it.
83
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:07,488
I'd have a much better chance
if she didn't think about it.
84
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,957
Superior Court of New Jersey?
85
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,892
While I was getting things
out in the open,
86
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:15,996
my mother found a skeleton
in the closet.
87
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:19,400
Julius... married...
Tawny... what?!
88
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:20,901
Can't nobody stand you
89
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:22,770
'cause you're a liar
and you won't shut up.
90
00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:23,937
Shut don't go
up, prices do,
91
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,773
so take my advice
and shut up, too.
92
00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,007
You shut up,
I grow up.
93
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,609
Every time I see your face,
I throw up.
94
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,578
Shut up.
The Junior Varsity
Sugar Hill Gang.
95
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:31,812
Will both of
you shut up?
96
00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:33,247
I swear.
97
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:34,282
That doesn't rhyme.
98
00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:37,285
Y'all couldn't be quiet
if somebody paid you.
99
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,786
I could.
No, you couldn't.
100
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:39,953
You couldn't shut up
to save your life.
101
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:41,822
Quiet! Here.
102
00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:44,024
Here's your allowance
for this week.
103
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,493
Okay?
104
00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:47,595
The next one that talks
loses theirs.
105
00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:48,762
Winner gets it all.
106
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:58,972
While Drew and Tonya
were keeping their mouths shut,
107
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,575
back at school
I was waiting for the word.
108
00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:04,478
And then I said that would
involve kissing and touching--
109
00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:05,679
well, I ran it down.
110
00:04:05,713 --> 00:04:08,316
Oh, man, you are going
to be so in there.
111
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,750
I can't believe
you ran it down.
112
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:10,784
I would have just ran.
113
00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,085
What'd she say?
114
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:14,588
She said she'll think
about it.
Well, what
does that mean?
115
00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,957
It means
"Let me check every option,
116
00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,792
"see if I can get
someone I want,
117
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:20,694
and if not,
I'll go out with you."
118
00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:24,398
And when she said every option,
she meant every option.
119
00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:26,434
She checked blind guys.
120
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:28,001
Do you have
a girlfriend?
121
00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:29,337
Yeah, girl.
122
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:32,039
What are you, blind?
123
00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:33,341
She checked dangerous guys.
124
00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:34,742
Do you have
a girlfriend?
125
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:35,809
Yeah, he does.
126
00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:37,711
Now, give me your money.
Don't move.
127
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:39,547
She even checked guys
who were girls.
128
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,882
Do you have a girlfriend?
129
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:45,419
I'm my own girlfriend.
130
00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,388
While I was waiting
to get my woman,
131
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,523
my father's woman was waiting
to get him.
132
00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:50,891
Hey, baby.
133
00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:53,894
Why didn't you tell me you
were married to someone else?
134
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:59,633
Huh?
Now would be
a good time to run.
135
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:02,436
Don't "huh?" me.
136
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,405
Tawny Reynolds?
137
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,073
Does the name ring a bell?
138
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,875
You better say something.
139
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:09,377
She might have a gun.
140
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:10,378
Yeah.
141
00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,613
Um...
142
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,916
It was a long time ago.
143
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:18,018
It was a long time
before I even met you.
144
00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:21,455
I was 17 in
Atlantic City,
145
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:23,657
and we were drunk.
146
00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:25,493
We got married.
147
00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:27,127
Four days later,
we were divorced.
148
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,030
Story of Britney Spears' life.
149
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:32,366
Well, not according to this.
150
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,637
"Complaint for divorce"?
151
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:39,707
(laughing):
That's crazy, huh?
152
00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:42,376
I mean, because how could
somebody divorce you
153
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,812
unless you're
married to them?
154
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,114
This has got to be a mistake.
155
00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:48,549
What marriage isn't?
156
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,518
You know, Julius...
157
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:53,153
you know how much
a lightbulb costs per watt.
158
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,756
How can you
not know
159
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:58,859
that you have another wife?!
160
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,994
Because those things
are less complicated.
161
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,163
I do not have another wife.
162
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,665
Yes, you do!
163
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,801
Look, look, look, it
says so right there!
164
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:08,802
You know what?
165
00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,438
What I want
to know is:
166
00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:12,806
if she's your wife,
then what am I?
167
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:13,807
You're my wife.
168
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:16,009
No!
169
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,412
I'm your concubine!
170
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:19,480
This is silly.
171
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:20,481
(sighs)
172
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,082
Is she white?
173
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,116
What?
174
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:24,117
No.
175
00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:25,118
Can she get
the house?
176
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,987
Rochelle...
Is she white?
177
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:27,988
Stop it.
178
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:29,122
Do you have a
kid with her?
179
00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:30,123
Is she white?
180
00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:31,124
No.
181
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,493
Is the kid
light-skinned?
182
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:33,961
No.
Ha!
183
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,664
So you admit that
you have a kid!
184
00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:39,066
Oh, God, I'm
going to be sick!
185
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:40,668
There is no kid.
186
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,703
How do you know, Julius?
187
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:45,205
You didn't even know
that you didn't have a divorce!
188
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:46,974
Oh, my God.
189
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:50,010
W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-What's going
to happen to this family
190
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:53,146
if it turns out
there's another one?
191
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:57,985
Kids, I'd like to introduce you
to your new mother Tawny
192
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,588
and your new brother Julian.
193
00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:03,957
Girl, you just wasted
$2.17 worth of white meat.
194
00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:05,659
JULIUS:
My boy.
195
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:12,132
What am I going to
say to my children?
196
00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:13,767
The kids are going
to be all right.
197
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:14,768
Look, look...
198
00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:17,104
Oh... don't touch me!
199
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,139
We'll leave them
out of this.
200
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:21,642
Listen, I-I'm gonna
sign these papers
201
00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,777
and take these to
the courtroom myself
202
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:24,778
and get this
straightened out.
203
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:26,747
You do that.
204
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,148
Because if you don't
straighten out
205
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:29,917
what's going on
in these papers,
206
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,585
you're going
to get a set of papers
207
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:34,454
that look just like them.
208
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,893
And she better
not be white.
209
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:44,832
While my father tried
to explain
210
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:46,166
why he had two women,
211
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:49,069
I wanted to find out
if I had one.
212
00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:50,571
Hey, Chris.
213
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:53,040
Oh, hey, Tasha, listen about
what I said yesterday...
214
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:54,241
I thought about it.
215
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:55,242
Yes.
216
00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:56,944
Yes, what?
Yes,
217
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,145
I will be your girlfriend.
218
00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:01,014
And I get to
touch you?
Yes.
219
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:03,183
In an 8:00 p.m. sitcom
kind of way.
220
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:05,285
And I get to kiss you?
221
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,655
Yes.
Ask for more, ask for more!
222
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:08,889
In front of other people--
223
00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,691
not just strangers,
even people we know?
224
00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:12,192
Yes.
And if anybody
asks me,
225
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:16,697
I can say, "Yes, Tasha
is my girlfriend"?
226
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:18,198
Yes.
227
00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:20,267
All right.
228
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:21,935
I need you
to sign this.
229
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:24,037
I need your
thumbprint there.
230
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:28,676
All right, now,
turn that around.
231
00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:30,811
Smile.
232
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:34,047
Thank you.
233
00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:35,115
Who's this?
234
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,917
She's notary public.
235
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:39,319
There.
236
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:40,320
Here you go.
237
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,055
It's official, Chris.
238
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:44,558
Tasha is your girlfriend.
239
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,629
Somebody record this
240
00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:51,098
so she can't lie
and say it didn't happen.
241
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:58,305
After years of walking
out my door feeling down,
242
00:08:58,338 --> 00:08:59,840
with Tasha right next door,
243
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,274
I was walking out
and getting felt up.
244
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:03,343
Happy anniversary.
245
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,045
Anniversary?
246
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,080
Yes, we've been
together a week.
247
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:09,349
Here, I made you this bookmark
with our names on it.
248
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,686
Oh... thanks.
249
00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:15,789
(sighs nervously)
So what'd you get me?
250
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:18,291
A big box of nothing.
251
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,127
Nothing.
252
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,329
I didn't know we celebrated
one-week anniversaries.
253
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:25,298
Oh... that's okay.
254
00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:26,834
What she really meant was...
255
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:28,602
MAN:
Oh, my God.
256
00:09:28,636 --> 00:09:32,372
This is the worst catastrophe.
257
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,008
CHRIS ROCK:
I found out pretty quickly
that getting a girlfriend
258
00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:37,277
was a lot easier
than keeping her happy.
259
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:39,980
Hey, you want to get together
later and watch some videos?
260
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:42,683
I loved watching videos
with Tasha.
261
00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:44,985
* I got a paper and pencil
262
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:47,855
* Thinking of rhymes
like mental... *
263
00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:49,757
Nah, that's okay.
264
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,892
I also learned that before
we did what I liked to do,
265
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,327
we had to something
she liked to do.
266
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:57,230
Come here, girl, you
know I'm just playing.
267
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,666
I got a surprise
for you later.
268
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:00,400
You do.
What is it?
269
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,002
It's a surprise to me, too.
270
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,737
Well, I wanted to
wait until later,
271
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:06,173
but, you know, after I
get home from school,
272
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:07,675
I wanted to
celebrate with you.
273
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:08,308
I'll bring your
present then.
274
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:09,342
Good one.
275
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:10,911
Ooh, and then we can go
to Mr. Woo's
276
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,345
and get some Chinese food.
277
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:13,380
Oh, and then I can tell you
278
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:15,849
all about what this crazy girl
said to me at school
279
00:10:15,883 --> 00:10:17,084
and then we can talk
about what we're...
280
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,385
Another thing I learned quickly
281
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:22,422
is that, much like Bin Laden,
girlfriends like to make plans,
282
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,826
and those plans
did not include Greg.
283
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:28,395
Hey, what happened
to you yesterday?
284
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:29,930
We were supposed to
go see Lethal Weapon.
285
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,364
Oh, I was out with Tasha.
286
00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:32,265
Oh.
287
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:34,034
Well, do you want
to go see it today?
288
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,302
I can't.
289
00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:36,269
Why, you got
to go to work?
290
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,038
No, me and Tasha
are going down to Al B Square
291
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:39,406
to get matching
T-shirts made.
292
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:40,473
More like matching blouses.
293
00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:42,943
Then we're going to the
photo booth to get pictures
294
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,111
and then we're gonna get
something to eat.
295
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,046
I knew this was
going to happen.
296
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,715
What?
Don't you see?
297
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,082
She's taking
over your life.
298
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:51,084
She's got you running
around in matching clothes.
299
00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:52,720
It's like you're a
life-size Ken doll.
300
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:54,722
I have one thing Ken doesn't.
301
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:55,723
So what?
302
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:56,356
Okay, I got
a girlfriend.
303
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:57,390
What are you, jealous?
304
00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:58,826
Of course, I'm jealous.
305
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:00,694
But this isn't about
me; it's about you.
306
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:02,162
I thought you were
gonna be so in there.
307
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,697
Turns out you can't
get out of there.
308
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,132
It's like you're a
puppet and she's got
309
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,867
her hand stuck
up your...
Hey.
310
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,737
(indistinct whispering)
311
00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:13,206
She did?
312
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,474
Yeah.
313
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,676
Twice.
314
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:19,713
Meanwhile, Drew and Tonya
315
00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:22,349
continued their war
of no words.
316
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:31,424
Drew went to the Ike Turner
School of Sign Language.
317
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:35,362
To save his marriage,
my father had to get a divorce.
318
00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:39,767
How could you not know
that you're not divorced?
319
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,769
I signed the papers
and sent them back to her.
320
00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:43,737
How was I supposed to know
she didn't file them?
321
00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:45,172
Because you didn't get
your final decree.
322
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,874
I didn't know I needed
a final decree.
323
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:48,742
Well, you
should have.
324
00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:49,843
Who knows what this woman
325
00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,278
might have been
doing in your name?
326
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:52,780
She could have been
holding up banks,
327
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,081
taking out loans.
328
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,115
Invading Iraq?
329
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,116
Did you have
330
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:57,517
any kids with her?
No.
331
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,119
Is she white?
332
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:00,954
No, she is not white.
333
00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:02,990
Hmm.
Listen,
334
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:05,793
let me throw a hypothetical
situation at you.
335
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:06,927
This should be good.
336
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,095
Say there
was a person
337
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,296
who thought he
was divorced...
338
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:10,497
A person?
339
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:13,033
A person...
and that person
340
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,002
went and got married again
and had some kids.
341
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:17,504
Then, he got some papers
that said he was still married
342
00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:19,272
to another person.
Hypothetically.
343
00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:21,274
Hypothetically.
Well,
344
00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:24,978
that person could be arrested
and hypothetically sent to jail
345
00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:26,013
as a bigamist.
346
00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:27,547
Or just move to Utah.
347
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,350
Does this mean that person's
current marriage is not valid?
348
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,552
Hypothetically, no,
349
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,856
but between you, me
and your hypothetical friend,
350
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:38,291
as long as he
files these papers
351
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:39,526
and gets his final decree
352
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,162
and everyone here stays lazy,
he'll be fine.
353
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:44,197
(sighs) That's good news.
354
00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:45,465
Hypothetically.
355
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,500
Mm-hmm.
356
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:49,536
Can I ask you
a hypothetical question?
357
00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:50,838
Yeah.
358
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:51,972
Is she white?
359
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,809
No, she is not white.
360
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:58,545
We'll mail the divorce decree
in a few days.
361
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:04,317
When a guy has a girlfriend,
he wants to get her alone.
362
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:05,552
You want to get
together tonight
363
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:06,820
and watch some videos?
364
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:08,088
But when a girl
has a boyfriend,
365
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,422
she wants to show him around.
366
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:10,858
Can we go
to Yvette's first?
367
00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:13,260
I want you to meet her
and Angela.
368
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,561
When I got with Tasha,
369
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:16,429
I thought I couldn't
get enough of her.
370
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:17,965
So, we watching
videos tonight?
371
00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:19,432
Can I bring Rene
and Tina?
372
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:22,836
What I found out
was I could barely get to her.
373
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:26,273
While my father was waiting
for his final decree,
374
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,575
my mother was acting
like it was over.
375
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:31,544
Hey, baby.
376
00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:32,946
Does your wife know
377
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:35,382
that you're hugging
up to another woman?
378
00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:36,917
(sighs)
379
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:37,918
What are you doing?
380
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:39,352
Looking for
apartments.
381
00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:42,022
The kids and I need a place
that we can call our own.
382
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:43,523
Rochelle, this
is your place.
383
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:44,992
Really?
384
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:47,260
Well, how do I know that
if you die right now,
385
00:13:47,294 --> 00:13:48,561
some white woman
wouldn't come
386
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,931
and take your Social
Security, the house,
387
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:53,233
the car, and me and the
kids be on the street?
388
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:55,002
Who does she think he is,
James Brown?
389
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:57,104
Look, I filed
the papers.
390
00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,205
This should all be over soon.
391
00:13:58,238 --> 00:13:59,206
Well, until then,
392
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:00,440
you can sleep on the couch.
393
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:07,047
After a few days of no luck
with getting it on,
394
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,916
I decided to take a day off.
395
00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:10,918
Hey, you want to go
see Lethal Weapon?
396
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,285
You're kidding me,
right?
397
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:13,353
When?
398
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:14,521
Now.
399
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:15,956
Don't you have
to go meet more
400
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,024
of Tasha's girlfriends?
401
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:19,326
Nah, man, I'm
done with that.
402
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:22,529
So, uh, you guys
check out any videos?
403
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:23,663
I wish.
404
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,099
Look, until we start doing
something that I want to do,
405
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:27,968
I'm gonna do stuff
that I want to do.
406
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:29,636
I'm gonna call Doc
and tell him I'm gonna
407
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,071
come in tomorrow
instead of today.
408
00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:33,373
Surprise!
409
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:34,541
Hey, honey.
410
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:35,575
Hey, Greg.
411
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:36,643
What are you doing here?
412
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:39,312
I was thinking we could go
to the movies, you know,
413
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:40,914
maybe see Fatal Attraction
with Yvette and Rhonda.
414
00:14:40,948 --> 00:14:42,950
I got to work.
415
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:43,850
No, you don't.
416
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,285
I told Doc you weren't
coming in today
417
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:46,653
because I had plans.
418
00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:48,255
What? You can't just go
to my job
419
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:49,656
and tell them I'm not coming in.
420
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:50,958
Why not?
421
00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:52,692
'Cause I can't just go
to your school
422
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,627
and say, "She's not coming in
because I got plans."
423
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:56,329
What are you
trying to say?
424
00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:58,465
Why is it that whenever I want
to do something,
425
00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,533
it has to wait till tomorrow,
but whenever you want
426
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,402
to do something,
it has to happen right now?
427
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:04,471
What does that have
to do with anything?
428
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:07,107
Welcome to Women's Logic 101.
429
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,042
I just don't want you
running my life.
430
00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:10,510
You're the
one who said
431
00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:12,545
you wanted me to be
your girlfriend.
432
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,081
Well, maybe I
was better off alone.
433
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:15,949
Are you saying you're
breaking up with me?
434
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,617
Let me make this
perfectly clear.
435
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,419
Yes.
436
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,654
I want to break up with you.
437
00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:22,522
What?
438
00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:24,324
You think you can
just say good-bye,
439
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:25,658
walk away and
it's over?
440
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:26,659
Yeah.
441
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,228
Watch.
442
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,929
Bye.
443
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,336
The best thing
about the girl next door
444
00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:37,971
is she's right next door.
445
00:15:38,005 --> 00:15:41,608
And the worst thing
is that she's right next door.
446
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:43,676
I will not be ignored, Chris.
447
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:46,679
I'm lucky I don't
have a pet rabbit.
448
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,719
CHRIS ROCK:
Since I was playing the game
of love,
449
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,654
I decided to get advice
from a real player.
450
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,223
No, you got to move.
451
00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:57,424
Why?
452
00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,426
She lives
right next door, Chris.
453
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:00,627
Where are you gonna go?
454
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,195
You'll never get
away from her.
455
00:16:02,229 --> 00:16:03,463
We broke up.
456
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:04,664
You broke up.
457
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:06,499
That's like
telling the IRS
458
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:07,734
you don't owe them any money.
459
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:11,038
It ain't over
till they say it's over.
460
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,372
Ask Wesley Snipes.
461
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:13,773
I can't move.
462
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,542
Well, you better
get back together.
463
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:17,310
See, I don't
get this.
464
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:18,745
How is it that she's
the one acting crazy
465
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,513
and I have to be the one
to work things out?
466
00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:23,150
Because she started
acting crazy first.
467
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:25,385
She's using your
reason against you.
468
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,520
You know that makes
no sense, right?
469
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:30,390
Welcome to Women's Logic 201.
470
00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:32,792
Before I had a chance
to confront my problem,
471
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,028
my problem confronted me.
472
00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:36,496
Hey, Chris.
473
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:37,797
ROCHELLE:
Where have you been?
474
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,166
JULIUS:
You invited Tasha
over for dinner,
475
00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:40,800
and you got the girl
waiting on you?
476
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,235
Well, if anybody
knows what it's like
477
00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:44,104
to have a girl waiting
on them, you do.
478
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:45,538
Tasha, can I talk to you
for a minute?
479
00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:46,739
Sure, honey.
480
00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:50,077
And by "minute",
I mean "never again."
481
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,711
Tasha, go home.
482
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:53,113
It's over.
483
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:56,083
I put the last few weeks
of my life into you,
484
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:58,118
and I'm not gonna let you
throw it all away
485
00:16:58,151 --> 00:16:59,219
over a little fight.
486
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:01,088
I just said it's over.
487
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,822
You wanted me, you got me.
488
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:05,492
You're my boyfriend
until I say you're not.
489
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:06,626
Got that?
490
00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:09,362
And that is a love TKO.
491
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,465
What's going on
with you and Tasha?
492
00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:14,101
I tried to break
up with her,
493
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:14,767
but she wouldn't
let me.
494
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,503
Well, there's
no such thing
495
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,105
as trying to break
up with somebody.
496
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:19,839
That's like being
a little pregnant.
497
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,741
Either you're broken
up or you're not.
498
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:24,177
But if you do want to
break up with her,
499
00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:25,312
let her know that.
500
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,747
If you don't, make
sure she knows that.
501
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,749
Don't have her
running around here
502
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:31,784
thinking you're together
and you're not.
503
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:34,321
One minute y'all having
a little fight,
504
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,123
and the next thing you know,
505
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:37,424
you're married with
a wife and kids
506
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:39,092
and she's trying to
take your house.
507
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:43,430
It seemed like my problems
were just beginning,
508
00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:46,065
but my father's
were finally ending.
509
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,668
I got the final divorce papers.
510
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:50,470
Really?
511
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,839
Baby, I'm sorry for putting you
through all of this.
512
00:17:52,872 --> 00:17:55,675
You're the only woman
in the world I want to be with.
513
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,210
Mm-hmm.
514
00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:00,413
And I was wondering...
515
00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:02,215
will you marry me?
516
00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:04,717
You're not married to
anyone else, are you?
517
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,119
No, I'm not.
518
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,856
Then, yes, I'll
marry you.
519
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:13,460
* Glory halle-stupid!
520
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:16,529
Yeah, bobbas, uh, yeah.
521
00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:19,799
Now, do you, Julius,
take Rochelle
522
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:22,669
to be your...
523
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:24,737
rhinestone rock star monster
of a doll baby bobba?
524
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,773
I do.
525
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:31,411
And Rochelle, do
you take Julius
526
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:35,615
to be your rhinestone
rock star monster of a man?
527
00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:37,150
I do.
528
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:38,851
With all the powers
invested
529
00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:41,821
in me and the blasters
of the universe,
530
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:43,723
along with the mother ship
connection...
531
00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:48,728
...I now pronounce you...
532
00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:50,930
man...
533
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,832
and wifey.
534
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:53,933
Now...
535
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,702
go funk her up.
536
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:58,671
He said "funk", kids,
with an "N."
537
00:18:58,705 --> 00:18:59,839
(sighs)
538
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:01,374
Funk her up.
539
00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:03,376
* Do you want
to get funked up? *
540
00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:06,379
* Funk, yeah, funk her up
541
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:08,715
* Don't you want
to get funked up? *
542
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:11,251
While Bootsy and my parents
got funky,
543
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:14,254
Drew decided to play dirty.
544
00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:15,788
Oh, my God, Drew!
545
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:16,923
What happened?
546
00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:18,925
"Oh, my God, Drew,
what happened!"
547
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:21,228
(chuckles)
Ketchup-- I win.
548
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:23,263
Cheater!
549
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:25,665
After everything
I'd been through with Tasha
550
00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:28,968
and as crazy as she acted,
she really did have a point.
551
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,338
Breaking up over one fight
wasn't worth it.
552
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:34,807
And if she didn't think it
was over, then it wasn't over.
553
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,909
Oh, Chris.
554
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,378
Hey.
555
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:40,380
I was mad earlier.
556
00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:41,548
I noticed.
557
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:43,683
It's not that I want
to break up with you.
558
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:46,319
I just think we need
to get clear about some things.
559
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,787
Like what?
560
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:48,855
First of all,
561
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:51,458
you cannot cancel my work
so we can go hang out.
562
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:52,925
Okay.
563
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:54,927
And I'm sorry
that I overreacted.
564
00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:57,397
I'm new to this
relationship stuff.
565
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,932
Okay.
566
00:19:59,966 --> 00:20:01,668
Good.
567
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,403
What's wrong?
568
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:06,839
I am breaking up with you.
569
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,842
I thought you said
that we were still together.
570
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:12,011
Until I said we
were breaking up.
571
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,946
We're breaking up.
572
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:19,986
See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.
573
00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:21,488
Me, either.
574
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:24,824
* Everybody hates Chris.
575
00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:28,461
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