Original subtitles

Class K, do yourselves proud. We cannot afford any mistakes.

Break a nail.

MUSIC: Pressure by Ari Lennox

Er, Blessing! There's a time and place for learning.

This is not it.

Sir, Hoburn keeps vexing us about these mock exams.

Ugh. Mocks, schmocks.

Do you think I got to where I am today by passing exams?

No, I don't.

That's why I cannot lie, I have been revising all weekend.

Me too, innit? I haven't been on socials for 48 hours.

My followers filed a missing person's!

Hoburn is just showing off to her little friends at Ofsted.

No, but I don't want to fail!

I want to live my best Forbes 30 Under 30 life

and leave you wastemen biting dust!

Children!

In my class, you learn how to effect real change in the world, hmm?

Now continue stoning my bra.

Sir, why were you blacklisted from every single gay bar in the country?

Huh? Don't overexaggerate.

Sir, you can be a bit of a diva.

And?

Have I taught you lot anything?

Usma, what is the definition of a diva?

A diva is a female version...

ALL: # ..of a hustla!

# Of a, of a... # Wait...

Correct.

And, Harrison, what am I doing at drag brunch today?

Hustlin'.

Correct.

As much as I love you guys, this is a big opportunity for me.

There's going to be some producers there today

scouting for a new show - Britain's Got Fierce Bitches.

Ooh! And this is my last chance to audition.

Stephanie Fierce is ready to be booked and blessed.

MUSIC: When I Grow Up by The Pussycat Dolls

Aah!

In! Come on, in!

And what on earth is going on here?

Are you going somewhere?

No. Why?

Perhaps this might jog your memory.

"It might interest you to know

"Stephen is taking his class on a field trip."

Ah...!

ALL LAUGH

Oh!

It's the trip - it's the trip.

Um... Care to explain yourself?

Mm...

Can I just say this animal print is so not a bit of you,

but it's wildly working.

It's like you've ditched your Aunt Lydia look

and you're giving a bit more... Carole Baskin. Rarr!

There is a rigid protocol when it comes to planning educational trips.

Did you ask for permission?

Um...

Did I?

Yeah.

Yeah, I wrote this note.

It's how I write all of my letters.

It's very, very, very time consuming but it's so worth it.

It's giving, like, Vivienne Westwood, you know, like youth danger.

So you talk about yourself in the third person?

You know what Stephen Carmichael is like. His...

His ego is out of control.

The note was my way of asking you for permission...

Mm-hm.

..to let us explore the wonderfully enriching cultural hub that is Soho.

Soho!

Oh, I was on the board of directors for a theatre in Soho.

Cute.

Oversaw its demolition brick by brick to make way for...

..M&M World.

Cute.

So, um...

..good to go?

No.

And I cannot believe you would pull a stunt like this

on the day we're receiving a visit from Ofsted.

The inspector will be here any minute.

Back to your classroom! Immediately!

Sir, I can call the drag brunch?

It's too late. I've missed the audition.

So when I find out who's dobbed me in with this note...

..it's over.

KOREAN NURSERY RHYME PLAYS

ELECTRONIC WHIRRING

SHE SCREAMS

Mitchell!

Ha, you're dead!

HE LAUGHS

You all right?

They're playing for a L1 scratchcard.

I call it Quid Games.

The winner goes through to a tug of war over the septic tank.

Oh. Want a go? Oh, yeah, sure.

Yeah?

No, you idiot, of course not.

I need a word.

Kids, guess what time it is!

ALL: Sleepy-byes time.

Yes! And what's our number one rule?

Don't wake up before the bell.

Yes. Off you go!

Ah-ha! My proteges!

What's the tea? No tea, thank you, Mrs Potts.

Well, I just wanted to flag that we've had a small outbreak of...

Oh, my God! They're all...

Sleeping, Fraser, so, like... Shh.

Thank the Lord Sugar.

We've had a breakout of the good old norovirus.

Noro-what? It's like a retro Covid

that wants to leave the building via any exit -

or entrance, depending on which way you look at it.

Eww. Both my kitchen staff are off sick.

I don't know what to do. I can't feed the whole school on my tod.

I'm not Jesus of Ladzareth.

Just hire a task rabbit.

I do it all the time when I can't be arsed to mark papers. Mm.

I hired one for parents' evening once.

Task rabbit. Leg-ends.

Laters, potaters. See ya.

Still got your lockpicking kit?

Does Katie Price sleep on her back?

Mm!

Right... Ooh, child.

What? Do you know, Joop is not a deodorant by the way.

Hmm? What?

What's wrong with Joop?

Look, this don't feel right.

You can't just go breaking into their lockers.

Can I help you Mr Seaman?

I thought not.

Bye!

What have they actually done then?

STEPHEN GASPS

Ah-ha!

Ah, a notebook!

Ah, not just a notebook!

An A4 lined notebook, just like the one used to rat me out.

Yeah. We've all got notebooks, you muppet.

What do you mean, rat you out?

STEPHEN GROWLS

Come on.

Ugh!

Basically, I should be in Soho right now

performing in front of drag royalty,

but one of my class sent an anonymous tip-off to Hoburn

so now we have to interrogate the little cretins

until one of them cracks.

I don't think they'd grass on you, mate.

Them kids are well all right. Mitchell, please.

You're like a brother to me.

Well, actually, you're more like a weird cousin

that you try to avoid at weddings, but that means something.

I really need your help with this.

All right, fine.

Let's not go OTT, yeah?

No.

Ah!

We'll break them psychologically. Let's assign roles.

Roles? Yeah. Well, I'll be good cop. All right, so I'll be...

Ah-ah, no. That's too obvious. You be good cop, I'll be ratchet cop.

You sure you got the range for that, darling?

I spent the first ten years of my life playing it straight.

Just you wait.

Dunk!

PHONE BUZZES

Denied!

Booyakasha! He's here!

If only Tinder worked this quick, and I wasn't permanently banned.

This lad knows what I'm talking about.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Nobody told me you were here.

Oh, I should've guessed you'd be an early bird.

If you're on time, you're late, I always say.

Bernadette Hoburn, the new headmistress.

Shall we take the tour?

I imagine you'll want to inspect the improvements

that I've already made here.

Well, I'm just here to clean up the school.

Great minds!

Shall we start in my office?

MIMICS FANFARE

My knight in shining tank-top!

MIMICS HORSE

Greetings, Sir Galalad, Bantany Worrall-Thompson at your service.

Hello, Mr Fraser. We've had a smidge of norovirus.

The latest victims, Pavel and Edna,

are currently tag-teaming the throne in the staffroom.

Pavel's mouth, Edna's south.

Ugly scenes. Hence my little rabbit.

Ah, taking notes already, smashing it, leg-end!

Would you like to see my chamber of horrors?

Yes.

Lead the way.

Oh, I should check, have you got life insurance?

Now this next experiment is very dangerous,

so I want you all to be very sensible and...

Excuse me, Mr Carmichael, you can't come in...

Ah-ah-ah! Oh, I think you'll find I can.

Unless you want me to spill the tea on what really went down

at the Christmas party with Mr... Oh, my goodness, is that the time?

I must dash to my next class.

Bye, now.

Bye, Miss Mollinson!

Someone in this class has stabbed me in the back,

thereby destroying my chance at stardom.

But the question is who, what, where, when and why?

Sir, I can assure you that none of us would...

Silence, you maggot! You'll have your turn.

You'll all have your turn.

Nah, man. I ain't saying nuttin' till I get my lawyer.

Pigs!

Watch your mouth, little boy!

All right, keep your hair on.

Well, he could've said a more flattering animal.

Doing good cop, bad cop, yeah? Interesting.

Who's who, then?

Don't play games with us, Missy.

Obvi I'm bad cop.

Really? Cos I wasn't getting that vibe.

It's giving Chuckle Brothers.

Really? To who? To me. To you? To me, haha!

Shut up. Fine. Let's swap roles.

We know you've got a secret... OK, I confess.

I still eat avocados.

And there's more - when I was eight,

I got my hair braided on a beach in Majorca,

and I know it's wrong but it looked so good.

Oh, God...

Please don't think me a monster.

Warren, my darling, just tell us the truth

and, whatever happens, we're here for you.

Bravo, Mr Carmichael.

Such a nuanced portrayal of a manipulative false friend.

I really felt betrayed.

Oi. What about me?

Um...

Your gormless sidekick routine felt a bit one-note.

Purr.

Look, I'm sorry you didn't get your moment, yeah, sir,

but don't try Tyra Banks me. I'm not the one.

You think I got time to worry about anybody else but numbero uno?

It took all my mental capacity to get my wings straight this morning.

Like, I can't be expected to hold down good grades

and be a badarse bitch every single day.

It's too much! I give up.

Wait, um...

..what was the question again?

Careful scrubbing so hard.

You're quite close to some lead paint there.

How exactly did your staff get sick, Mr Fraser?

No idea. I call them the Wuhan gang

because they're always cooking up diseases I've never heard of.

What's that you're making?

Ah, we're very frugal here.

Lumpy milk - sieve out of the liquid,

dip it in some sealing wax from art class and, bam -

artisanal Babybels.

Oh... You think that's gross?

You should see how I make the Dairylea triangles.

Oh...what a flop!

Can't you just drop it?

If they did tell on ya,

I'm sure it was just because they wanted to get some work done.

Oh, please. The only way Mr Wickers to get us to concentrate

was playing Class Wars. Mm.

Wait...

We won't crack this using history.

We need to take inspiration from one of the most cunning detectives

in the herstory of crime.

Miss Marple.

Coleen Rooney.

Let's plant a different rumour with each student.

Whoever spills the Bacardi is our Rebekah Vardy.

THEY CHUCKLE

Really? Honestly.

Are you joking? Really. 100%? 100. Shut up.

So, hang on a minute,

Mr Seaman is having an affair with Brokeback Barry?

Ain't he got a wife?

Oh! Um, excuse me, lady.

No-one loves an eavesdrop.

If you heard things that are confidential

about certain members of staff, you are obliged to keep it to yourself.

Oh, sir, I pinkie promise.

My lips are...

Oh, my God!

Talk later.

Oi! Someone broke into my locker!

Yeah - we've just seen Miss Hoburn picking the lock. What?

Nah, I just saw her running to the science labs with that inspector.

Yeah, but have you ever wondered

how she can be in so many different places at once?

Doubles.

You know, like the little Rocket Man geezer from North Korea.

Parent Trap vibes.

Mum's the word, though, yeah?

The sheeple can't handle the truth.

Oh! Inchez!

Let Poor Mitchell have a bounce about, will you? He needs some joy.

Yeah, safe. What's up, sir?

The producers of Naked Attraction just called.

They're about to cut me episode.

Let's just say he got a little bit excited, if you catch my drift.

Ohhh! Shh!

Keep it to yourself, yeah?

Oh, yeah, swear.

I swear I'm not going to tell a soul, sir.

They did say it was one of the biggest they'd ever seen, though.

Ah, come on, sir. Haha!

GLASS SHATTERS

That was Mr Seaman's car.

Oh, well.

So moral of the story -

do not, under any circumstances, eat the Dairylea triangles.

Warren, my darling,

I need you to update my IMDb profile for me, please.

Can you add, "Soon to be playing Flying Monkey Number Three

"in the new Wicked movie?"

Wow, wow! Congrats.

Shh! Top secret.

I signed an NDA.

But, sir, anyone can see your IMDb... Mm!

Run along, now.

Child...

Oh, Jinx...

Yah!

HE COUGHS

I have pepper spray!

No, just relax, all right?

I'm not trying to catch you or any other girl students.

Oh, my God, though, good shot, to be fair, it was quality.

Koukanka.

Look, Jinx, I really need your help.

I bought some eggs off this geezer down the covered market.

Turns out they ain't chickens. One of them's hatched

and I've followed the trail from the egg to this bathroom.

What, you mean there are...?

Ah-ah! Keep it to yourself! Don't tell everyone.

It's between me and you. Don't want to scare all the other kids.

Scout's honour.

Harrison.

This ain't to go any further, all right, but geezer to geezer...

Mm?

SOBBING: I can't say it!

Basically, um, Mollinson's dead.

We had to store her in a freezer until an ambulance is available.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, but we need your help to move the body

because you're the strongest one out of all of us

and she's just had her lunch.

Poor Miss Mollinson...

I know...

MITCHELL WAILS

Er, you don't possess the talent to improvise.

Mate, this acting lark's a piece of piss.

Don't know why you make it look so hard.

MUSIC: Murder She Wrote Song by Chaka Demus & Pliers

Service!

You lying BASTARD!

Stop, stop!

Ah!

Mrs Seaman, I presume.

I know who ratted me out.

It was Usma.

Oh, sir, I pinkie promise.

My lips are...

Usma has betrayed my trust for the last time.

She's got to be the rat.

Er... Wagwan?

Snakes in the girls' loos.

Luckily, I have a spare key to the disabled toilet.

Oi, pound.

There's not one rat, there's two.

Usma...and Jinx?

Those trifling hos...

Eeeh! Sir!

I'm so gagged you're going to be in the new Wicked movie.

Can you ask Ariana Grande to come to school?

That would be so lit! Ooh, and Cynthia!

Ooh, um...

What in the Emerald City?!

Get me out of here! All right, all right, calm down!

THEY LAUGH My man got excited. Yeah, yeah.

Mr Seaman.

All right, Hoburn.

Are you the body double? You ain't even a realistic one.

Your nose is huge!

Oh, my bad, you are the real one!

Right, everyone, start clearing the canteen.

I could...

I could wipe the floors with them.

You're relentless. I see that.

Well, perhaps we can work something out.

Out! You silly twat!

Er, Mr Harper!

Are you not ashamed of yourself?

Are you not embarrassed?

Because going on that show is really embarrassing!

What the hell is going on?

What are you going to do now?

Untangle the web.

I can only apologise for the chaos in the canteen.

As a man in your position,

you must want to just put us out of our misery.

Yeah. I'd like to do that. Yes.

I mean, there must be something I can do to reassure you

I'm an enormously safe pair of hands.

Yeah, they do look quite big, don't they?

Yes. I thought I saw you sizing them up.

Well, I'm a woman of the world, so if that's what it takes

to get this school out of special measures...

So be it.

Would you prefer to stand or sit?

AMERICAN ACCENT: Thank y'all for joining me.

Colonel Mustard...

..Mrs Peacock...

..Professor Plum...

..Miss Scarlett...

..Rev Green, and Mrs White.

Why do I have to be Mrs White?

This bowtie's going to choke me.

Death by penguin suit. Shh!

Do you not think you're taking this a little bit too far?

You haven't seen nothing yet.

Y'all really had me fooled.

I was running round the school trying to find the culprit

who forged this slip!

I was looking for one culprit, when, in fact, you're all snakes!

ALL PROTEST

Don't deny it!

None of you could hold a fart, let alone a secret.

And to think you almost sabotaged my shot

at getting back in the big time.

When you say "back" in the big time...

Silence!

That audition was my last chance

to win back the respect of the drag community!

Jinx.

You're an unseasoned, boot-cut begging bitch.

Oh...

Inchez, the closest you've ever been to the hood is your daddy's Volvo.

Blessing?

More like a curse.

Grrr.

Harrison, you're so dumb that when your mum said it was chilly out,

you ran outside with a spoon.

Usma, your wings ain't straight.

They ain't ever been straight.

Et tu, Warren.

New class nickname alert.

Trash K!

Mm, is...

..is that...

..Joop?!

They've also spelt Stephen wrong.

Like we'd miss that!

You had us in detention signing your head shots.

Yeah. You said the upper echelon of Stephen spell it with a P-H

and that only low-lives spell it with a V.

Facts.

How could I have been so blind?

There's only one low-life I know personally

who would wear such a basic scent.

HINGES SQUEAK

VOICES ECHO: We all have those notebooks, you muppet...

Joop is not a deodorant, by the way...

The butler did it.

What are you doing? All right, soldier?

You lock and load the dishwasher, I'll throw every...

I don't think so, Mr Fraser.

Geoffrey Pruitt, Ofsted Inspector.

This school is finished.

Please, Mr Inspector, I'll do anything.

This school is my life. My cousin works at London Zoo -

he'll let you shoot the panda!

Bribery won't work with me.

This is entrapment! You've tricked me!

I'm surprised you didn't recognise me, Mr Fraser.

This is my seventh visit to Abbey Grove.

Do you really not remember me?

2017, Santa's exploding sack.

ALARMS BLARING, PANICKED SHOUTS

2016, the Leonard Cohen Memorial Dance-Off.

# Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin

# Dance me through the panic... #

Nothing? Nope.

Good heavens.

Nothing you say can persuade... No! No! No, no, no, no, no.

Fraser! What is going on?

I could ask you the same thing.

This is the Ofsted inspector.

We're having "an important conversation".

This could be the difference between "poor" and "good".

That's not the inspector. What?

Geoffrey Pruitt, Ofsted inspector.

You're not. Are you?

Well, then, who are you?

Dave. Scrubbers4U.

Fraser! What have you done?

I needed some help in the kitchen so I ordered a task rabbit.

I think there's been a teeny weeny mix-up. You think?!

You mean the actual Ofsted inspector has been working in your kitchen

while I've been tugging off this rabbit?!

I think I've seen and heard quite enough.

MUSIC: THAT GIRL by Bree Runway

No! Oh, inspector!

Inspector! Oh...

Come with me.

Mitchell!

Mitchell!

Mitchell! I'll kill him!

Mr Pruitt, please. If we could just go back to my office,

I'm sure we could iron things out.

I also do ironing! Geoffrey, please!

I've seen how you iron things out.

Unfortunately you're barking up the wrong tree.

Once I present my report to the authorities,

they will make the final decision about Abbey Grove.

HORN BEEPS

Mitchell! Mr Carmichael! Get your class back inside right now!

Mitchell! You snake!

I'm sorry for dobbing you in, all right?

But I've got a surprise to make it up to ya.

Nothing you do could make me forgive you.

You betrayed me, and do you know what hurts the most?

After all these years, you don't even know how to spell my damn name!

Look! Now is not the time.

Mr Carmichael, get your class back inside right now!

Oi, Magic Mike!

Does this dump have a toilet?

If I don't get these queens to one soon,

you're going to get exploding tucks all over your seats.

Oh... Oh, hello.

Where the hell's this?

You couldn't go to the gig,

so I thought I'd bring the after party to you.

It's amazing what the promise of some free plonk will do.

Who's the sexy square sausage?

Geoffrey Pruitt, Ofsted Inspector.

What's going on?

Er...

It's parents' evening, so I thought I'd give some of the mums a lift,

you know, what with fuel prices being what they are at the moment.

Right. We like to do our bit for the community

here at Abbey Grove, don't we? Mm-hm. Yeah.

Yes! See, this is my mum.

Oh! OK, big boy, watch the hair.

This...This is my mum.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my mum.

That's my mum!

And that's my son!

Mum!

I came to surprise you in Soho,

but you never showed, so I thought, when in Rome! Aww!

Bruv!

How does he shave so close to the grain?

I don't wish to rain on this parade,

but sadly I do actually know what a drag queen is,

and this really isn't fooling anyone.

Nothing's going to dissuade me from informing the authorities

and showing them my report. Nothing.

Wait, where the fuck am I?

Hey, Danny Dyer - where's the liquor?

Told you I had a surprise for ya!

PRUITT: Bianca Del Rio!

OMG, OM... Oh...

I'm your number one fan.

Read me, please, come on!

Make me feel worthless!

Er, what the hell is this?

I don't believe I signed up for a free meet and greet!

Who is responsible for this freak?

Actually, that's my mother!

I ain't your mama, bitch!

Sorry, what is happening here?

I think you'll find drag has saved the day.

ALL CHEER

Well, thank God!

Which one of you is Drag?

MUSIC: Levitating by Dua Lipa

What's your favourite episode of Drag Race?

I know you weren't in the most recent All Stars...

Lips? Gorgeous. Foundation, gorgeous.

Eyebrows... Yeah?

Too much. A bit too much, harsh, harsh. Oh... I'd rather talk to you.

OK, so my name's Jinx. Do you like...?

Nah, actually I'd rather talk to you. Yes!

So what you've got to do is, start off light...

All right?

Look, I'm really sorry that I reported you to Hoburn

and almost sabotaged your career. It was bang out of order.

Why'd you do it?

Well, Blessing and that lot have been freaking out

about these mock exams -

and you know that kid, Stinky Steve?

He's been held back for over a decade

because he keeps failing those exams.

I didn't want that to happen to our kids!

Mitchell, Steve's not been held back.

He's just tall.

Oh.

That makes more sense.

Huh.

Well, I should've spoken to you instead of sneaking around.

I'm really sorry. Hmm.

Don't worry.

To be fair, I probably wouldn't have listened.

You know what I'm like.

Tomorrow we'll take the plastic off the textbooks, but right now...

Hmm!

..I've got a performance to slay.

Are you nervous? Oh, sweetie.

It's everybody else that should be nervous.

THEY CHUCKLE

So what was the food like on Drag Race?

Did you ever manage to get to RuPaul's house?

You know what? If you give me more liquor,

I'll tell you where the bodies are buried.

CHEERING

MUSIC: I'm Every Woman by Whitney Houston

# Cos I'm every woman Every woman

# It's all in me

# It's all in me

# I'm every woman

# It's all in me

# Anything you want done baby

# I do it naturally

# I'm every woman

# It's all in me

# I can read your thoughts right now

# Every one from A to Z

# Whoa, whoa, whoa

# Whoa, whoa, whoa

# I ain't braggin' Cos I'm the one

# Just ask me Ooh, and it shall be done

# And don't bother To compare... #

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