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00:00:03,503 --> 00:00:06,130
Memphis Stormfront in the
Channel 3 News copter
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00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:10,510
with something still exclusive
to live TV. A police chase!
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00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:13,304
{\an8}And if you're watching this
on YouTube years later,
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00:00:13,305 --> 00:00:15,432
{\an8}smash that like button, bruh!
5
00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:17,433
{\an8}Dad, that looks like your SUV!
6
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:19,268
{\an8}It can't be.
Mine's in the shop.
7
00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:22,314
{\an8}It's making a weird sound,
kind of like... [puffs]
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,607
{\an8}[car exhaust puffs]
9
00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:27,527
{\an8}A lot of smoke, and that...
[puffs] can't be good.
10
00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:29,028
{\an8}- [tires screech]
- Oh, he's getting out.
11
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,322
{\an8}He's making a run for it!
12
00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:32,740
{\an8}[gasps] That's Wendell!
My mechanic!
13
00:00:32,741 --> 00:00:34,617
{\an8}The police are closing in.
14
00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:37,036
{\an8}Wait, he's carjacking that Bugatti!
15
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:40,332
{\an8}- [tires squeal]
- He is gone, gone, gone.
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00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:43,376
Two things. We might need
to look for a new mechanic,
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00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,336
and I definitely need to get a Bugatti.
18
00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:47,797
But, honey, you love your SUV.
19
00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:49,465
Well, everyone's getting Bugattis.
20
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,008
Even my friend Wendell has one!
21
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:52,426
A sports car!
22
00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:56,348
Wow, what would the kids at school say
if we had a Bugatti?
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00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,310
[tires screech]
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00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:05,649
Hey, ladies. Need a ride?
There's room on my mom's lap.
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00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:07,108
[engine revs]
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00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:09,653
[both cheering]
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Hell yeah.
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{\an8}[engine revs]
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Hey, boys. Need a ride?
30
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[both cheering]
31
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Hell yeah.
32
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- [engine revs]
- [both cheering]
33
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:30,632
Hell yeah.
34
00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:36,179
That settles it.
The Smiths are getting a Bugatti!
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Francine, Hayley, we're running behind,
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so hurry up and get
your fantasies in before the--
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[♪ theme song playing]
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♪ Good morning, USA ♪
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♪ I got a feeling
That it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
40
00:01:49,693 --> 00:01:52,820
♪ The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
41
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:56,616
♪ And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪
42
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:02,538
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
43
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♪ Good morning, USA ♪
44
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[Roger] Ah!
45
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,672
{\an8}[chorus] ♪ Good morning, USA ♪
46
00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:15,468
{\an8}I've been kicked out of
car dealerships before,
47
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:16,886
{\an8}but never for financial reasons.
48
00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:20,640
{\an8}Bugattis are like a million dollars.
We're fine with the SUV.
49
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,933
{\an8}We can barely even
afford to fix that.
50
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:24,935
{\an8}Where is all our money going
these days?
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00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:27,813
{\an8}Okay, I was gonna be
Baby Plumber Junior today,
52
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:31,485
{\an8}but after hearing your money woes,
I think it's a day for...
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00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:35,571
{\an8}Suzy Orwoman, financial advisoress!
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00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:37,907
{\an8}Want to know why
you can't afford that Bugatti?
55
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:39,867
{\an8}You're not making
your assets work for you!
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00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:41,911
{\an8}Intriguing. Go on, Mrs. Orwoman.
57
00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:44,747
{\an8}That's Miss Orwoman.
Still haven't found the right lady
58
00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,248
{\an8}to make an honest woman out of me.
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{\an8}I'm a lesbian, so stop flirting with me.
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00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:51,295
{\an8}Okay, let's take inventory of your assets.
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00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:53,839
{\an8}Well, I've got this fridge
and the garage fridge.
62
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,133
{\an8}No, no, no, not material stuff.
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00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,135
{\an8}I'm talking these assets.
64
00:02:58,136 --> 00:03:01,097
{\an8}What are these little
flesh and bone piggy banks doing for you?
65
00:03:01,098 --> 00:03:02,807
{\an8}Steve. Contributions. Go!
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00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:06,644
{\an8}Easy! You know those couple hundred
sketches of Toshi I did last summer?
67
00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:07,728
{\an8}Yes!
68
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:10,648
{\an8}Well, they're on sale on my Etsee page,
69
00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:13,777
{\an8}and let's just say there's a lot of buzz.
70
00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:15,653
{\an8}Speaking of buzzed... Hayley?
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00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:18,155
{\an8}I keep our food budget down
with restaurant leftovers,
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00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:21,617
{\an8}like the Hub's all-you-can-eat-but-you-
should-have-eaten-it-yesterday tuna salad.
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00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:24,412
{\an8}If we're talking budgets,
that's my department.
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00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:29,125
{\an8}I keep our books like I keep my man.
Sexually satisfied.
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{\an8}Okay, okay, assets lookin' good so far.
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00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,548
{\an8}But what about Fleshbeard?
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{\an8}- Me?
- Mooch alert!
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00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:38,843
{\an8}Jeff is not a mooch.
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00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:42,471
{\an8}- Well, he doesn't bring anything in...
- And he takes a lot out.
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00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:43,722
{\an8}Hey, that's right.
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00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:45,766
{\an8}He even mooched off my Bugatti fantasy.
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{\an8}Lay off! What Jeff lacks in income,
he makes up for in heart.
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Please. Financially,
there's no monetary value to heart.
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Hit it, Klaus!
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[♪ sultry jazz music playing]
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♪ Let me tell you 'bout
Jeffrey the Moocher ♪
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00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:05,202
♪ He's a grabbin' and takin'
and no money-makin' ♪
88
00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:08,039
♪ Low-down coochie hoocher! ♪
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00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,251
Ha, ha, ha!
90
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:17,841
♪ He'll borrow your car, bro
and bring it back with a dent ♪
91
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:23,138
♪ He'll have a bunch of your
Cap'n Crunch and never offer you a cent ♪
92
00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:26,266
♪ Ho-de-ho-ho-de-ho! ♪
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00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:35,442
[smacks lips] This trombone
tastes like shit.
94
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:38,110
Ah, this is the heavily-used plunger
95
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,737
from my plumber costume.
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00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:40,821
Face it, Smiths.
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00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:43,699
When it comes to your finances,
Jeff's worthless.
98
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:47,453
Jeff, why are you dancing around
to a song about you being a mooch?
99
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,247
[gasps] That song was about me?
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00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:59,340
Babe? You ever get the feeling
the family thinks I'm a mooch?
101
00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,342
Well, yeah.
Klaus sang a whole song--
102
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,135
Never mind. Don't listen to them.
103
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,220
- [Stan] Yoink!
- [gasps]
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00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:07,056
Your nightlight is costing us
ten cents a month.
105
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:10,017
Ten cents I'll never see again.
Thanks to you, Jeff.
106
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:12,061
But I'm scared of the boogeyman!
107
00:05:12,062 --> 00:05:14,313
Here. There's one starter bullet in there.
108
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:17,067
You can earn the rest
by really making that one count.
109
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,861
I think I need to get a job.
110
00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:24,365
Well, whatever it is,
just don't go overboard with it.
111
00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:25,659
Start with something simple.
112
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:27,910
[Jeff] Okay.
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00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:30,747
Big ball on a chain.
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00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:32,791
Nothing simpler than that.
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00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,464
Oh, shoot. I missed.
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00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:41,883
Well, at least no one got hurt--
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A construction accident?
118
00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:48,889
He doesn't have health insurance yet.
119
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:51,976
Here, Doc. Take my wallet to the ER,
it's hemorrhaging.
120
00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:53,854
[laughs]
121
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:56,230
Thanks, but seriously,
how much was his ambulance ride?
122
00:05:56,231 --> 00:05:58,483
You don't have to worry
about that. [giggles]
123
00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:01,193
He came by wrecking ball. [giggling]
124
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:03,362
This isn't funny. He's my husband!
125
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:06,407
Sorry, I think that pipe is laughing gas.
126
00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:09,286
So that's going to make
the bad news I have very awkward.
127
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:12,621
Jeff's... [laughing] brain dead!
128
00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:13,747
Brain dead?
129
00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:16,625
And on... [sputters] life support.
130
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:17,961
Life support? [chuckling]
131
00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:23,007
[laughing] I have to see him
one last time!
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00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:25,135
[all laughing]
133
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,722
[all laughing hysterically]
134
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,514
- [monitor beeping]
- Hey, babe!
135
00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:31,682
Oh, my God! Jeff!
136
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:33,017
We can't afford this room.
137
00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,852
Look at that,
the meter is already running.
138
00:06:34,853 --> 00:06:35,936
That's a heart monitor.
139
00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:38,439
- Turn it off!
- Almost no brain activity,
140
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:39,815
yet he's still functional.
141
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:42,694
- Oh, this is totally normal for him.
- [knocking at door]
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Did someone say,
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00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:46,739
- "I promise not to sue"?
- Who are you?
144
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,742
I'm a settlement lawyer
on behalf of Termite Demolitions.
145
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:52,286
- Are you the victim?
- No, I'm the Jeff.
146
00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:53,370
Whoa!
147
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:55,914
Clearly, some major brain damage here.
148
00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:57,082
[sighs]
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00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,043
That's going to take some extra zeros.
150
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:01,963
Let's call this a healthy
shut-the-hell-up settlement.
151
00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:05,175
Keep Termite's name out of your mouth.
152
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:07,760
Holy...
153
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,511
Hey, you're rich!
154
00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:10,847
Nope, still Jeff!
155
00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:19,647
- Jeffy boy!
- Boogeyman!
156
00:07:19,648 --> 00:07:21,106
Nope, just Boogeystan.
157
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,859
And don't you worry about your nightlight.
I'll get that for you.
158
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,695
It just needs to be unsmashed
with my unhammer.
159
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:28,656
Anything else you need?
More pillows?
160
00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:32,201
We want our El Jeff-ay nice and comfy.
161
00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:33,702
We've been calling you El Jeff-ay.
162
00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:37,332
I picked you up a box of condoms,
El Jeff-ay. Just in case.
163
00:07:37,666 --> 00:07:39,041
{\an8}I poked holes in all of them.
164
00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:41,335
{\an8}The next step is to get him
to impregnate one of us.
165
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,087
{\an8}Then we've got him locked down.
166
00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:44,214
{\an8}I'm not picky about who.
167
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,423
Let me rap at you, El Jeff-ay.
168
00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:49,635
Now that you're a millionaire
many, many, many times over,
169
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:52,471
we thought you could help us
get some important things we need.
170
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:53,555
Like a Bugatti.
171
00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:57,142
Yes, Jeff.
Stan's car is still in the shop so...
172
00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:58,227
I'm gonna need one too.
173
00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:00,813
And as you know,
Toshi and I have been working
174
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,357
on our Siegfried and Roy
tribute show. [chuckles]
175
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,901
I feel a white tiger
is a necessary next step.
176
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:07,528
Get outta here, you vultures!
177
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:08,613
It's Hayley. Split!
178
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:13,367
Jeff, do not start buying them stuff.
179
00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,577
They're trying to mooch off you now.
180
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:19,498
Look, we need to make smart investments
with this money and plan for our future.
181
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,999
What are you saying?
182
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,252
That we can get away from all this.
183
00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:24,378
The vultures.
184
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:25,963
My childhood bedroom...
185
00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:27,047
The boogeyman?
186
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:30,217
Yes! You get it!
And we'll get our own place.
187
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:33,804
Wow. I never really thought
about that before.
188
00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:35,681
But actually, the boogeyman is an entity
189
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,808
that transcends physical space,
190
00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:39,602
so there's really no escaping him.
191
00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:45,149
[all cheering]
192
00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,859
Lobster, El Jeff-ay?
193
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,944
Francine's already cracked
the claws on this one.
194
00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:51,321
And how soon are we getting
all the stuff we asked for?
195
00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:52,407
It's Hayley! Split!
196
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:54,825
Jeff, where were you?
197
00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:56,994
I was waiting at
the open house for an hour.
198
00:08:56,995 --> 00:09:00,539
I'm sorry, babe.
But I wanna tell everyone our new plan
199
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:03,585
and let them know
why I won't be buying them Goobotties.
200
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:04,918
Open house?
201
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,336
- New plan?
- Goobotties.
202
00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:07,464
Klaus!
203
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:10,257
Babe, you're gonna be so proud of me.
204
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,259
I ingested the money wisely!
205
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,720
You know the movie We Bought a Zoo?
206
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:17,556
Please tell me you did not buy a zoo.
207
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:18,767
I didn't!
208
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,060
I got the exclusive Redbox
209
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,771
streaming rights to the movie
We Bought a Zoo.
210
00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:24,855
Ah, [bleep].
211
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,858
There's more! Check this out.
212
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:30,278
It's new underwear
that hides your fart sounds.
213
00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:31,528
Listen.
214
00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:32,989
[cat meows]
215
00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,449
Ugh. What's that smell?
216
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:38,994
Yeah, they smell way worse now.
But we're working on it.
217
00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:41,580
I bought the company for a cool million.
218
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:42,664
[Stan and Hayley yelling] What?
219
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:43,916
Well, I've heard enough.
220
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,459
And smelled enough.
221
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:48,295
I think it's time
to let you in on one of Suzy Orwoman's
222
00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,005
once-in-a-lifetime deals.
223
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,257
These only come along every couple months.
224
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:56,303
Feast your eyes on Mount Suzymore!
Our casino, Jeff!
225
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:58,972
You see, it's been my dream
to teach my methods
226
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:01,058
through the responsible
tradition of gambling.
227
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,769
With your money,
we can make my dream come true.
228
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:04,895
No, no, no, no, no!
229
00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:06,438
It is not happening.
230
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:09,359
Jeff, I am getting you
away from these parasites.
231
00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:10,567
[dog barks]
232
00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,196
That was me. I invested
in a competing underwear.
233
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:18,700
It's not fair.
All these years of Jeff taking from us,
234
00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,702
and now he can finally give back
and he won't.
235
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:22,539
Well, he did get us Shakira.
236
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:26,041
She sucks!
She has one paw in the grave.
237
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:29,920
At this rate,
Jeff's gonna lose all that money in days.
238
00:10:29,921 --> 00:10:31,130
[slowly] Days.
239
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,424
- [motor winding down]
- Days...
240
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:35,467
Oh, I forgot to mention,
241
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,846
Jeff also got us this robot
that looks just like me.
242
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:41,014
I'll put her away, for now.
243
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,100
[knocking at door]
244
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:46,812
Hi, Steve. Did a gross old biddy
make her way over here?
245
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:49,148
If she does, that's my mother,
so please send her home.
246
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,316
I didn't know your mother
was living with you.
247
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:54,069
I just moved her in.
The court named me as her conservator,
248
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:56,530
so I'm managing
all her affairs and finances now.
249
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:57,781
- [cell phone chimes]
- Oh!
250
00:10:57,782 --> 00:11:00,451
Someone found her!
I'm so "relieved."
251
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,288
Huh. A conservatorship.
252
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:08,792
That's not... I mean, that's not something
we could do with Jeff, is it?
253
00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:11,336
No, no, we can't do that.
254
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:13,172
But could we?
255
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,341
Well, it's an interesting word, isn't it?
256
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:19,303
"Conserve." Like saving.
257
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:22,222
Yeah, saving Jeff!
258
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:25,559
- Saving Jeff from Jeff!
- And who better to save him
259
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,312
than the people who know him
and how much money he has best!
260
00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:29,646
[Hayley] I don't believe this!
261
00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:33,066
You're actually talking
about taking away Jeff's independence?
262
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,943
We can't leave Jeff
in charge of the money.
263
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,195
He's gonna piss it all away.
264
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,989
And let's face it,
he's never had good bladder control.
265
00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:41,116
I am not gonna let you do this.
266
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:44,329
Well, I guess we'll have to
settle this in court then.
267
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,165
The basketball court?
268
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:49,292
[people chattering indistinctly]
269
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:50,710
Dang.
270
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:54,546
Listen, Jeff, I'll do all the talking.
You just sit there.
271
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,964
Here, work on this.
272
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:57,424
[bailiff] Court is now in session.
273
00:11:57,425 --> 00:11:59,635
Honorable Judge Grenier presiding.
274
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:04,307
Oh! Hopefully we have something
sexy today, like a murder or a kidnapping.
275
00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:07,227
A conservatorship hearing?
276
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,939
Oh, man, I wish someone would murder
or kidnap me right now.
277
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:14,399
To see if a person meets
the legal standard for stupidity,
278
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:18,445
I mean mental incompetency,
we use what we call the Gilligan Scale.
279
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:22,241
{\an8}At first, I thought Jeff Fischer was more
of a Rose from the Golden Girls.
280
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,868
{\an8}But after further examination,
I can confidently say
281
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:27,163
{\an8}he and Gilligan are a perfect match.
282
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,874
Objection! That scale is absurd!
283
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:31,960
Knock knock!
284
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,335
[hesitantly] Who's there?
285
00:12:33,336 --> 00:12:34,878
- O.
- "O" who?
286
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:36,630
"O"-verruled!
287
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:37,715
And that's lunch.
288
00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:43,345
I have here a sworn affidavit
from a pillar of our community.
289
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:46,974
I'm talking about Tom
from the grocery store now.
290
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:49,184
It's a list of things Jeff Fisher
291
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:52,355
has slipped on in the last year alone.
292
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:56,692
Forty-seven banana peels,
16 different soup cans,
293
00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:58,902
a recently unmopped floor--
294
00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:00,238
I can't take any more of this!
295
00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:01,863
Oh, ho-ho!
296
00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:03,740
This is getting good.
297
00:13:03,741 --> 00:13:07,411
Your Honor, my family is not concerned
with Jeff's wellbeing at all.
298
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,745
They just want his money.
299
00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:11,415
They are the last people
who should be caring for him.
300
00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:15,877
My dad once asked a homeless man to
babysit me while he went go-kart riding.
301
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:19,464
My mom was kicked out of Lollapalooza
for being too naked.
302
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:23,468
And my brother Steve, well,
his Etsee reviews speak for themselves.
303
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,846
One star.
304
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:27,306
The buyers thought
Toshi was Tilda Swinton.
305
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:31,102
And furthermore, they live with a fish
who was at January 6th!
306
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,352
[people gasp]
307
00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:35,981
I was just going to see the pandas
at the zoo and got all turned around!
308
00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:37,942
- [gavel bangs]
- Order! I've heard enough!
309
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,735
But I want to take the stand!
310
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:43,281
- Not a good idea, babe.
- No, it's a great idea.
311
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:46,408
- Whoa!
- If he lands on his head,
312
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,745
- I grant conservatorship.
- [grunts]
313
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:52,039
- Conservatorship granted!
- No!
314
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,541
- But not to the greedy family.
- Oh, thank God!
315
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:57,836
And not to you either.
You thought this was a basketball court!
316
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,756
There's only one person
that's right for this job.
317
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:04,634
And she happens to be my AA sponsor
and my financial advisor.
318
00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:07,054
- [door rattling]
- [Roger] Hey! Damn it, the door's stuck!
319
00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:09,264
Open this door! I'm missing my
big entrance moment--
320
00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:10,725
- Argh!
- [people gasp]
321
00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:15,437
What's happening?
322
00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,481
Don't worry.
I'm going to take great care of you
323
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:21,026
and all your gorgeous gobs
and gobs of money. Come on!
324
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,903
No, I don't want to!
325
00:14:22,904 --> 00:14:25,281
- What about babe?
- I'm your babe now.
326
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,157
- [door rattling]
- [Roger] Damn it,
327
00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:29,951
how is this thing stuck again?
From the inside?
328
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,370
Where does it even lock from--
329
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:34,290
Oh, Jeff, you opened it.
You're a genius.
330
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,129
[knocking at door]
331
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,255
[door opens]
332
00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:43,381
Hey, babe.
333
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,926
- Right on time, Hayley.
- This has got to stop.
334
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,928
You can't keep Jeff prisoner like this.
335
00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:50,472
Prisoner? Please. Look at his view!
336
00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:54,351
It's a casino prison penthouse,
just like Britney Spears.
337
00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:56,395
- This is nothing like that!
- [pills clatter]
338
00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:59,022
[gulps] Although I do have him performing
339
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:01,317
in a song-and-dance revue
in the casino theater.
340
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:03,360
Look at him, he's miserable.
341
00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:04,736
It's just a tummy ache.
342
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:07,280
He won't stop eating
the glitter bombs from the show.
343
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:11,076
Plus, he's anxious to start this
conjugal visit you demanded. Chop-chop!
344
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:12,744
Can we please have a little privacy?
345
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,121
Oh, of course. Sorry. Sorry.
346
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:15,373
Hey, goons! Get out!
347
00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:20,545
Whenever you're ready.
348
00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:24,589
[door opens]
349
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,927
Well, the SUV's back.
Cost me our monthly nut to fix it.
350
00:15:28,386 --> 00:15:31,346
Looks like Shakira's funeral
will have to wait until we can save up.
351
00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:33,473
Ugh, I feel awful.
352
00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:36,685
Of course you do.
We were this close to the sweet life!
353
00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:38,645
No, it's not that.
354
00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:41,898
Could it be that maybe we feel bad
about what we did to Jeff?
355
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:43,651
- Yeah.
- No. I mean, maybe?
356
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:46,069
It's Hayley, split!
Uh, sorry, reflex.
357
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,237
How's Jeff?
358
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,072
Stop acting like you care.
359
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:51,908
It's your fault
Jeff got taken away from me.
360
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:52,993
[sobbing]
361
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:55,453
Oh, Hayley, we're so sorry.
362
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:56,581
We didn't want this.
363
00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:58,707
We just wanted lots of new stuff.
364
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:01,460
We want to make this right
and bring Jeff home.
365
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,505
Well, there is something
you can help with.
366
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:06,923
{\an8}[♪ upbeat music playing]
367
00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:09,510
♪ You shake my nerves
and you rattle my brain ♪
368
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:11,678
♪ Too much love drives a man... ♪
369
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,555
[Roger] No, no. Stop!
Stop the music, Jeff.
370
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:14,890
It's all wrong.
371
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:16,641
Whoa, those things are dangerous.
372
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,769
Hold the balls, hold the flaming balls.
373
00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:22,022
Jeff, opening night tickets
are about to go on sale,
374
00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:24,983
so I need passion in those eyes,
and all I'm getting is fear.
375
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,651
It's so off-putting.
376
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,905
- [cell phone vibrates]
- Hold on a second. Go for Suzy.
377
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,947
Can I go home today?
378
00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:33,450
Protesters chanting "Free Jeff"?
379
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:35,118
That could be very misleading.
380
00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:37,996
Tickets to see Jeff start at $27.
381
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,206
Goons, with me!
382
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:41,876
And don't let me catch you
eating any more glitter bombs.
383
00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:45,213
[sneezes]
384
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,506
Even better on the way up.
385
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:51,552
{\an8}Free Jeff! Free Jeff! Free Jeff!
386
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,596
You guys better get outta here,
or at least buy tickets.
387
00:16:54,597 --> 00:16:57,683
We're not going anywhere
until you let Jeff go!
388
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,059
[all] Free Jeff!
389
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:02,187
You fools are no match for--
Wait, only four Smiths?
390
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:03,438
- Where's the girl?
- Ha!
391
00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:05,732
You fell for it!
This was Hayley's ruse.
392
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:09,694
She's inside freeing Jeff.
Oh, you got rused so hard!
393
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:11,321
- Stan!
- Did I say that too early?
394
00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:12,448
To the getaway car!
395
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,825
Goons, we got to get to Jeff now!
396
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:16,576
[grunts]
397
00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:18,119
Are you friggin' kidding me?
398
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,580
Hold on, I'mma get it this time.
399
00:17:19,914 --> 00:17:22,291
Don't you try and help me, Frankie.
Don't you dare!
400
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:24,876
Jeff! Come with me, hurry!
401
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,420
There's a loophole to get you
out of the conservatorship.
402
00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:29,714
But we've gotta get you
across state lines to do it.
403
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:30,799
Huh.
404
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,802
A whole new life in West Vagina.
405
00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:35,555
Exactly. Let's go.
406
00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:38,640
Let's roll!
407
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:39,725
[puffs]
408
00:17:40,351 --> 00:17:41,726
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
409
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:44,396
I thought you got this damn jalopy fixed!
410
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:45,730
Jeff, this is all your fault!
411
00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:47,983
If you'd only bought me
that car I asked for--
412
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,277
Dad! Are you serious?
413
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,611
- Look!
- [tires screech]
414
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:52,946
[Stan] It's a Goobotti!
415
00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:54,740
[Steve] I've never seen one this close.
416
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:57,535
It's... It's gorgeous.
417
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,789
[♪ suspenseful music playing]
418
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,666
[tires squealing]
419
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:06,793
Okay, I'm just gonna say
what everyone's thinking.
420
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,003
Jeff owes us.
421
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,088
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
422
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:11,423
♪ Let me tell you 'bout... ♪
423
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:12,508
No, Klaus!
424
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:14,134
We gotta get Jeff out of here.
425
00:18:14,135 --> 00:18:15,927
I'm not so sure about that.
426
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:18,680
I've got those
conservator forms somewhere.
427
00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:20,015
This is extortion.
428
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,642
- This is-- Jeff?
- [groaning]
429
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:24,102
[belches]
430
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,521
[all] Whoa!
431
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,149
[all screaming]
432
00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:30,568
[Steve] Oh, God!
433
00:18:30,693 --> 00:18:33,613
It was beautiful but it stings so bad!
434
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:35,614
[♪ dramatic music playing]
435
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,825
Keep going, Jeff!
I'll fight 'em off!
436
00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:40,244
[grunting]
437
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:47,668
Like my reviews on Etsee say,
"Bad. Very bad!"
438
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,093
[gasps]
439
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:59,972
Look! There's money...
I mean Jeff!
440
00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:01,765
[♪ suspenseful music continues]
441
00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:03,434
- [screams]
- [all screaming]
442
00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:06,062
Jeff! Give me your hand!
443
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:12,068
Let's get all the boring paperwork
out of the way first, huh?
444
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:13,903
[Jeff straining]
445
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,446
Everybody hold onto me!
446
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:20,575
Steve, switch places with me.
447
00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,119
[all screaming]
448
00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:23,579
No!
449
00:19:26,957 --> 00:19:28,416
Stan, do something!
450
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,461
I'm comin', Shakira!
451
00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:32,797
[Jeff] Got you!
452
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,173
Climb up!
453
00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:40,470
[all panting]
454
00:19:40,471 --> 00:19:42,931
Okay, I can sign the form now.
455
00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:46,059
Jeff, don't sign anything
or they'll control you.
456
00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:47,185
I don't care.
457
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,645
I just want to go home.
458
00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:50,439
You still wanna live with them?
459
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:52,774
They're the only family I've ever had!
460
00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:54,317
I don't want to lose them!
461
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,778
That's why I tried to get rid
of the money.
462
00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:57,946
Get rid of the money?
463
00:19:57,947 --> 00:20:00,324
Yeah, I knew those investments
were stupid.
464
00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:03,160
But I was afraid we'd use
the money to buy a house!
465
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:06,038
I don't want to move away from my family.
466
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:10,166
Oh, Jeff, we're so sorry.
467
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:12,669
It doesn't matter
that you don't contribute...
468
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,714
He literally just saved your lives.
469
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,589
Contribute money, Hayley.
470
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:19,552
Jeff, what you contribute is you.
471
00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:23,888
You're free to spend your money however
you want.
472
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,014
[Roger] Yeah, about that.
473
00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:26,099
There's no money.
474
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:28,143
- [all] What?
- Turns out I know nothing
475
00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:29,561
about casino management.
476
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:32,605
My blackjack tables
were paying out a thousand to one!
477
00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:35,985
I think I'm bad with money.
But I guess we could sell the casino.
478
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:38,070
[both laughing]
479
00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,405
{\an8}[continues laughing]
480
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:42,450
{\an8}[crashes]
481
00:20:45,703 --> 00:20:47,288
{\an8}Or not. Most likely not.
482
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:51,167
{\an8}This one's on the house, Jeff.
483
00:20:57,214 --> 00:20:58,757
{\an8}[screeches]
484
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,468
{\an8}[boogeyman] It's back!
485
00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:01,927
{\an8}Shit.
37052
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