Original subtitles

Memphis Stormfront in the Channel 3 News copter

with something still exclusive to live TV. A police chase!

And if you're watching this on YouTube years later,

smash that like button, bruh!

Dad, that looks like your SUV!

It can't be. Mine's in the shop.

It's making a weird sound, kind of like... [puffs]

[car exhaust puffs]

A lot of smoke, and that... [puffs] can't be good.

- [tires screech] - Oh, he's getting out.

He's making a run for it!

[gasps] That's Wendell! My mechanic!

The police are closing in.

Wait, he's carjacking that Bugatti!

- [tires squeal] - He is gone, gone, gone.

Two things. We might need to look for a new mechanic,

and I definitely need to get a Bugatti.

But, honey, you love your SUV.

Well, everyone's getting Bugattis.

Even my friend Wendell has one!

A sports car!

Wow, what would the kids at school say if we had a Bugatti?

[tires screech]

Hey, ladies. Need a ride? There's room on my mom's lap.

[engine revs]

[both cheering]

Hell yeah.

[engine revs]

Hey, boys. Need a ride?

[both cheering]

Hell yeah.

- [engine revs] - [both cheering]

Hell yeah.

That settles it. The Smiths are getting a Bugatti!

Francine, Hayley, we're running behind,

so hurry up and get your fantasies in before the--

[♪ theme song playing]

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

[Roger] Ah!

[chorus] ♪ Good morning, USA ♪

I've been kicked out of car dealerships before,

but never for financial reasons.

Bugattis are like a million dollars. We're fine with the SUV.

We can barely even afford to fix that.

Where is all our money going these days?

Okay, I was gonna be Baby Plumber Junior today,

but after hearing your money woes, I think it's a day for...

Suzy Orwoman, financial advisoress!

Want to know why you can't afford that Bugatti?

You're not making your assets work for you!

Intriguing. Go on, Mrs. Orwoman.

That's Miss Orwoman. Still haven't found the right lady

to make an honest woman out of me.

I'm a lesbian, so stop flirting with me.

Okay, let's take inventory of your assets.

Well, I've got this fridge and the garage fridge.

No, no, no, not material stuff.

I'm talking these assets.

What are these little flesh and bone piggy banks doing for you?

Steve. Contributions. Go!

Easy! You know those couple hundred sketches of Toshi I did last summer?

Yes!

Well, they're on sale on my Etsee page,

and let's just say there's a lot of buzz.

Speaking of buzzed... Hayley?

I keep our food budget down with restaurant leftovers,

like the Hub's all-you-can-eat-but-you- should-have-eaten-it-yesterday tuna salad.

If we're talking budgets, that's my department.

I keep our books like I keep my man. Sexually satisfied.

Okay, okay, assets lookin' good so far.

But what about Fleshbeard?

- Me? - Mooch alert!

Jeff is not a mooch.

- Well, he doesn't bring anything in... - And he takes a lot out.

Hey, that's right.

He even mooched off my Bugatti fantasy.

Lay off! What Jeff lacks in income, he makes up for in heart.

Please. Financially, there's no monetary value to heart.

Hit it, Klaus!

[♪ sultry jazz music playing]

♪ Let me tell you 'bout Jeffrey the Moocher ♪

♪ He's a grabbin' and takin' and no money-makin' ♪

♪ Low-down coochie hoocher! ♪

Ha, ha, ha!

♪ He'll borrow your car, bro and bring it back with a dent ♪

♪ He'll have a bunch of your Cap'n Crunch and never offer you a cent ♪

♪ Ho-de-ho-ho-de-ho! ♪

[smacks lips] This trombone tastes like shit.

Ah, this is the heavily-used plunger

from my plumber costume.

Face it, Smiths.

When it comes to your finances, Jeff's worthless.

Jeff, why are you dancing around to a song about you being a mooch?

[gasps] That song was about me?

Babe? You ever get the feeling the family thinks I'm a mooch?

Well, yeah. Klaus sang a whole song--

Never mind. Don't listen to them.

- [Stan] Yoink! - [gasps]

Your nightlight is costing us ten cents a month.

Ten cents I'll never see again. Thanks to you, Jeff.

But I'm scared of the boogeyman!

Here. There's one starter bullet in there.

You can earn the rest by really making that one count.

I think I need to get a job.

Well, whatever it is, just don't go overboard with it.

Start with something simple.

[Jeff] Okay.

Big ball on a chain.

Nothing simpler than that.

Oh, shoot. I missed.

Well, at least no one got hurt--

A construction accident?

He doesn't have health insurance yet.

Here, Doc. Take my wallet to the ER, it's hemorrhaging.

[laughs]

Thanks, but seriously, how much was his ambulance ride?

You don't have to worry about that. [giggles]

He came by wrecking ball. [giggling]

This isn't funny. He's my husband!

Sorry, I think that pipe is laughing gas.

So that's going to make the bad news I have very awkward.

Jeff's... [laughing] brain dead!

Brain dead?

And on... [sputters] life support.

Life support? [chuckling]

[laughing] I have to see him one last time!

[all laughing]

[all laughing hysterically]

- [monitor beeping] - Hey, babe!

Oh, my God! Jeff!

We can't afford this room.

Look at that, the meter is already running.

That's a heart monitor.

- Turn it off! - Almost no brain activity,

yet he's still functional.

- Oh, this is totally normal for him. - [knocking at door]

Did someone say,

- "I promise not to sue"? - Who are you?

I'm a settlement lawyer on behalf of Termite Demolitions.

- Are you the victim? - No, I'm the Jeff.

Whoa!

Clearly, some major brain damage here.

[sighs]

That's going to take some extra zeros.

Let's call this a healthy shut-the-hell-up settlement.

Keep Termite's name out of your mouth.

Holy...

Hey, you're rich!

Nope, still Jeff!

- Jeffy boy! - Boogeyman!

Nope, just Boogeystan.

And don't you worry about your nightlight. I'll get that for you.

It just needs to be unsmashed with my unhammer.

Anything else you need? More pillows?

We want our El Jeff-ay nice and comfy.

We've been calling you El Jeff-ay.

I picked you up a box of condoms, El Jeff-ay. Just in case.

I poked holes in all of them.

The next step is to get him to impregnate one of us.

Then we've got him locked down.

I'm not picky about who.

Let me rap at you, El Jeff-ay.

Now that you're a millionaire many, many, many times over,

we thought you could help us get some important things we need.

Like a Bugatti.

Yes, Jeff. Stan's car is still in the shop so...

I'm gonna need one too.

And as you know, Toshi and I have been working

on our Siegfried and Roy tribute show. [chuckles]

I feel a white tiger is a necessary next step.

Get outta here, you vultures!

It's Hayley. Split!

Jeff, do not start buying them stuff.

They're trying to mooch off you now.

Look, we need to make smart investments with this money and plan for our future.

What are you saying?

That we can get away from all this.

The vultures.

My childhood bedroom...

The boogeyman?

Yes! You get it! And we'll get our own place.

Wow. I never really thought about that before.

But actually, the boogeyman is an entity

that transcends physical space,

so there's really no escaping him.

[all cheering]

Lobster, El Jeff-ay?

Francine's already cracked the claws on this one.

And how soon are we getting all the stuff we asked for?

It's Hayley! Split!

Jeff, where were you?

I was waiting at the open house for an hour.

I'm sorry, babe. But I wanna tell everyone our new plan

and let them know why I won't be buying them Goobotties.

Open house?

- New plan? - Goobotties.

Klaus!

Babe, you're gonna be so proud of me.

I ingested the money wisely!

You know the movie We Bought a Zoo?

Please tell me you did not buy a zoo.

I didn't!

I got the exclusive Redbox

streaming rights to the movie We Bought a Zoo.

Ah, [bleep].

There's more! Check this out.

It's new underwear that hides your fart sounds.

Listen.

[cat meows]

Ugh. What's that smell?

Yeah, they smell way worse now. But we're working on it.

I bought the company for a cool million.

[Stan and Hayley yelling] What?

Well, I've heard enough.

And smelled enough.

I think it's time to let you in on one of Suzy Orwoman's

once-in-a-lifetime deals.

These only come along every couple months.

Feast your eyes on Mount Suzymore! Our casino, Jeff!

You see, it's been my dream to teach my methods

through the responsible tradition of gambling.

With your money, we can make my dream come true.

No, no, no, no, no!

It is not happening.

Jeff, I am getting you away from these parasites.

[dog barks]

That was me. I invested in a competing underwear.

It's not fair. All these years of Jeff taking from us,

and now he can finally give back and he won't.

Well, he did get us Shakira.

She sucks! She has one paw in the grave.

At this rate, Jeff's gonna lose all that money in days.

[slowly] Days.

- [motor winding down] - Days...

Oh, I forgot to mention,

Jeff also got us this robot that looks just like me.

I'll put her away, for now.

[knocking at door]

Hi, Steve. Did a gross old biddy make her way over here?

If she does, that's my mother, so please send her home.

I didn't know your mother was living with you.

I just moved her in. The court named me as her conservator,

so I'm managing all her affairs and finances now.

- [cell phone chimes] - Oh!

Someone found her! I'm so "relieved."

Huh. A conservatorship.

That's not... I mean, that's not something we could do with Jeff, is it?

No, no, we can't do that.

But could we?

Well, it's an interesting word, isn't it?

"Conserve." Like saving.

Yeah, saving Jeff!

- Saving Jeff from Jeff! - And who better to save him

than the people who know him and how much money he has best!

[Hayley] I don't believe this!

You're actually talking about taking away Jeff's independence?

We can't leave Jeff in charge of the money.

He's gonna piss it all away.

And let's face it, he's never had good bladder control.

I am not gonna let you do this.

Well, I guess we'll have to settle this in court then.

The basketball court?

[people chattering indistinctly]

Dang.

Listen, Jeff, I'll do all the talking. You just sit there.

Here, work on this.

[bailiff] Court is now in session.

Honorable Judge Grenier presiding.

Oh! Hopefully we have something sexy today, like a murder or a kidnapping.

A conservatorship hearing?

Oh, man, I wish someone would murder or kidnap me right now.

To see if a person meets the legal standard for stupidity,

I mean mental incompetency, we use what we call the Gilligan Scale.

At first, I thought Jeff Fischer was more of a Rose from the Golden Girls.

But after further examination, I can confidently say

he and Gilligan are a perfect match.

Objection! That scale is absurd!

Knock knock!

[hesitantly] Who's there?

- O. - "O" who?

"O"-verruled!

And that's lunch.

I have here a sworn affidavit from a pillar of our community.

I'm talking about Tom from the grocery store now.

It's a list of things Jeff Fisher

has slipped on in the last year alone.

Forty-seven banana peels, 16 different soup cans,

a recently unmopped floor--

I can't take any more of this!

Oh, ho-ho!

This is getting good.

Your Honor, my family is not concerned with Jeff's wellbeing at all.

They just want his money.

They are the last people who should be caring for him.

My dad once asked a homeless man to babysit me while he went go-kart riding.

My mom was kicked out of Lollapalooza for being too naked.

And my brother Steve, well, his Etsee reviews speak for themselves.

One star.

The buyers thought Toshi was Tilda Swinton.

And furthermore, they live with a fish who was at January 6th!

[people gasp]

I was just going to see the pandas at the zoo and got all turned around!

- [gavel bangs] - Order! I've heard enough!

But I want to take the stand!

- Not a good idea, babe. - No, it's a great idea.

- Whoa! - If he lands on his head,

- I grant conservatorship. - [grunts]

- Conservatorship granted! - No!

- But not to the greedy family. - Oh, thank God!

And not to you either. You thought this was a basketball court!

There's only one person that's right for this job.

And she happens to be my AA sponsor and my financial advisor.

- [door rattling] - [Roger] Hey! Damn it, the door's stuck!

Open this door! I'm missing my big entrance moment--

- Argh! - [people gasp]

What's happening?

Don't worry. I'm going to take great care of you

and all your gorgeous gobs and gobs of money. Come on!

No, I don't want to!

- What about babe? - I'm your babe now.

- [door rattling] - [Roger] Damn it,

how is this thing stuck again? From the inside?

Where does it even lock from--

Oh, Jeff, you opened it. You're a genius.

[knocking at door]

[door opens]

Hey, babe.

- Right on time, Hayley. - This has got to stop.

You can't keep Jeff prisoner like this.

Prisoner? Please. Look at his view!

It's a casino prison penthouse, just like Britney Spears.

- This is nothing like that! - [pills clatter]

[gulps] Although I do have him performing

in a song-and-dance revue in the casino theater.

Look at him, he's miserable.

It's just a tummy ache.

He won't stop eating the glitter bombs from the show.

Plus, he's anxious to start this conjugal visit you demanded. Chop-chop!

Can we please have a little privacy?

Oh, of course. Sorry. Sorry.

Hey, goons! Get out!

Whenever you're ready.

[door opens]

Well, the SUV's back. Cost me our monthly nut to fix it.

Looks like Shakira's funeral will have to wait until we can save up.

Ugh, I feel awful.

Of course you do. We were this close to the sweet life!

No, it's not that.

Could it be that maybe we feel bad about what we did to Jeff?

- Yeah. - No. I mean, maybe?

It's Hayley, split! Uh, sorry, reflex.

How's Jeff?

Stop acting like you care.

It's your fault Jeff got taken away from me.

[sobbing]

Oh, Hayley, we're so sorry.

We didn't want this.

We just wanted lots of new stuff.

We want to make this right and bring Jeff home.

Well, there is something you can help with.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

♪ You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain ♪

♪ Too much love drives a man... ♪

[Roger] No, no. Stop! Stop the music, Jeff.

It's all wrong.

Whoa, those things are dangerous.

Hold the balls, hold the flaming balls.

Jeff, opening night tickets are about to go on sale,

so I need passion in those eyes, and all I'm getting is fear.

It's so off-putting.

- [cell phone vibrates] - Hold on a second. Go for Suzy.

Can I go home today?

Protesters chanting "Free Jeff"?

That could be very misleading.

Tickets to see Jeff start at $27.

Goons, with me!

And don't let me catch you eating any more glitter bombs.

[sneezes]

Even better on the way up.

Free Jeff! Free Jeff! Free Jeff!

You guys better get outta here, or at least buy tickets.

We're not going anywhere until you let Jeff go!

[all] Free Jeff!

You fools are no match for-- Wait, only four Smiths?

- Where's the girl? - Ha!

You fell for it! This was Hayley's ruse.

She's inside freeing Jeff. Oh, you got rused so hard!

- Stan! - Did I say that too early?

To the getaway car!

Goons, we got to get to Jeff now!

[grunts]

Are you friggin' kidding me?

Hold on, I'mma get it this time.

Don't you try and help me, Frankie. Don't you dare!

Jeff! Come with me, hurry!

There's a loophole to get you out of the conservatorship.

But we've gotta get you across state lines to do it.

Huh.

A whole new life in West Vagina.

Exactly. Let's go.

Let's roll!

[puffs]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

I thought you got this damn jalopy fixed!

Jeff, this is all your fault!

If you'd only bought me that car I asked for--

Dad! Are you serious?

- Look! - [tires screech]

[Stan] It's a Goobotti!

[Steve] I've never seen one this close.

It's... It's gorgeous.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[tires squealing]

Okay, I'm just gonna say what everyone's thinking.

Jeff owes us.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

♪ Let me tell you 'bout... ♪

No, Klaus!

We gotta get Jeff out of here.

I'm not so sure about that.

I've got those conservator forms somewhere.

This is extortion.

- This is-- Jeff? - [groaning]

[belches]

[all] Whoa!

[all screaming]

[Steve] Oh, God!

It was beautiful but it stings so bad!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Keep going, Jeff! I'll fight 'em off!

[grunting]

Like my reviews on Etsee say, "Bad. Very bad!"

[gasps]

Look! There's money... I mean Jeff!

[♪ suspenseful music continues]

- [screams] - [all screaming]

Jeff! Give me your hand!

Let's get all the boring paperwork out of the way first, huh?

[Jeff straining]

Everybody hold onto me!

Steve, switch places with me.

[all screaming]

No!

Stan, do something!

I'm comin', Shakira!

[Jeff] Got you!

Climb up!

[all panting]

Okay, I can sign the form now.

Jeff, don't sign anything or they'll control you.

I don't care.

I just want to go home.

You still wanna live with them?

They're the only family I've ever had!

I don't want to lose them!

That's why I tried to get rid of the money.

Get rid of the money?

Yeah, I knew those investments were stupid.

But I was afraid we'd use the money to buy a house!

I don't want to move away from my family.

Oh, Jeff, we're so sorry.

It doesn't matter that you don't contribute...

He literally just saved your lives.

Contribute money, Hayley.

Jeff, what you contribute is you.

You're free to spend your money however you want.

[Roger] Yeah, about that.

There's no money.

- [all] What? - Turns out I know nothing

about casino management.

My blackjack tables were paying out a thousand to one!

I think I'm bad with money. But I guess we could sell the casino.

[both laughing]

[continues laughing]

[crashes]

Or not. Most likely not.

This one's on the house, Jeff.

[screeches]

[boogeyman] It's back!

Shit.