Original subtitles

[grunting]

Little help?

No can do.

The C.I.A. Christmas party invite is coming any moment.

Clicking "refresh" over and over won't make it come any faster.

- [laptop dings] - What was that, Hayley?

I couldn't hear you over my inbox dinging.

The party will be held at Scamper's East.

Yes, baby.

Ugh. That dumpy pub in Chimdale?

Are you kidding? Scamper's is amazing.

Classy, too. The golf course there? Mwah.

Miniature. Two holes.

And one of 'em, half the AstroTurf is blue.

Blue and green, 'Zooka Sharks colors.

[man] 'Zooka Sharks?

Does that guy live around here?

Well, I'm sure you and Mom will have a great time.

We'll all have a great time.

I was able to secure invites for the entire family.

- Even Klaus. - [Steve and Hayley groan]

Let's go!

So do we, like, have to go?

Big time. You must understand, I had a monster year at work.

Special missions? I crushed 'em.

Boring meetings? I plussed 'em.

And I went undefeated in our fantasy football league.

The Christmas party is my personal victory lap,

and I want my family there to enjoy me.

That's wonderful.

Now you can close your computer and decorate the tree with us.

Better idea. Let's prepare for my work party.

I'll make flashcards of my accomplishments this year.

There were a lot!

- I bet. - We should also talk outfits.

I recommend something festive, yet quirky.

Oh, God, Hayley, you're not thinking of wearing that to the party?

You mean the party I just literally heard about 30 seconds ago? No.

[all] Phew!

[♪ theme song playing]

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

[Roger] Ah!

[chorus] ♪ Good morning, USA ♪

[Stan] Look at that marquee. This is already great.

Get in here, everyone!

When we get inside,

Klaus and I will fill mashed potato cups for everyone.

Francine, the open bar lasts 45 minutes,

so order me two Moscow mules.

Hayley, head straight to Big Buck Hunter.

Don't let anyone touch the plastic shotgun

until I break the high score.

What about me and Steve?

Great question, Jeffrey.

Play mini golf and listen for what people are saying about me.

Report back with the buzz on the links.

Hot dog buns looking good this year, Tommy.

Who's Tommy?

He's executive chef/bouncer here at Scamper's.

Kind of a dual threat. I actually don't think that's Tommy.

Interesting.

I've never seen whatever this is served in a souvenir batting helmet before.

Whoa, I just remembered something.

Last year, at this very party,

I carved my name into one of the toilet seats.

Dang, you think it's still there?

Fischer takes his time.

He looks pretty high and he is.

Stop looking back. It wasn't us.

I see it! "Stan... Smit"?

Some dude started knocking.

I'm gonna finish it now.

[man] Scamper's East blows.

We should leave for Bullock's party.

Bullock's party?

- [urinating] - Amen. This place is for riff-raff.

I heard Bullock's party has a 10-foot shrimp scampi tower.

Bullock's throwing a secret party the same night as the C.I.A. Christmas party?

Stiles says he's already at Bullock's house.

Holy cow. He's playing cornhole with Ghostface Killah and the Golden Bachelor.

No freaking way! Did they come together?

Let's go find out.

We can finish peeing at Bullock's.

Sorry, I drank both your mules,

but these drinks are basically water.

Yeah, I said it.

Do something.

Stan heard some devastating news in the bathroom.

Thank God the town got rid of that suicide hotline.

Otherwise he'd be on it all night.

A Blue Moon for my boy Stan.

Open bar just ended.

That's fine. How much is it?

- Twelve bucks. - Forget it.

I think I just got tetanus.

A lot of exposed nails coming through the floor.

What's wrong with Dad?

Turns out there's a better party at Bullock's,

but Stan only got invited to the riff-raff party.

♪ Yo, listen up!♪

♪ Here's the story about a little guy ♪

♪ That lives in a blue world ♪

♪ And all day and all night ♪

♪ And everything he sees is just blue like him ♪

♪ Inside and outside ♪

I say we crash Bullock's.

Let's go home, Stan.

Home?

[singing continues]

I agree, Steve. I thought that busboy was very handsy.

Now that that's over, we can finally decorate the tree.

Stan, where are you going?

I'm going to Bullock's [bleep] party.

I knew you'd come.

Got this hog all ready for ya.

[battery slowly powers down]

Out of juice already?

Don't worry, there's actually another scooter nearby,

but it's in Tuttle's garage. Also, he owns it.

So we'd be stealing Tuttle's scooter?

Essentially, or we could just take your car.

[both] Hmm.

[Al] And that's the night my scooter got stolen.

[♪ jazzy Christmas music playing]

[Klaus] Bullock runs a tight ship.

I never get invited anywhere.

Which makes me an expert at sneaking into events where I'm not wanted.

I once snuck my Pomona boys into Adam Driver's Golden Globes party.

- Okay. - To be fair,

this was years before Adam Driver got famous.

Damn it, Klaus, what's our plan?

I'm Tom Hanks.

I'm Colin Hanks.

I'm Hank Azaria?

For Christ's sake, Smith, what is your problem?

My problem is you didn't invite me to your Christmas party. Why not?

Okay, I'll level with you.

The fire marshal is a real hard-ass.

He gave me a firm cap of 500 guests.

Five hundred?

It's ludicrous, I know,

but maybe you'll make the cut next year.

Hank Azaria, Mr. 500!

Where are you? I'm literally outside.

I think I have a way in.

Me, "shut up"? No, you shut up!

[clears throat]

Hold on. Some guy with a chin is saying something. What?

I overheard your conversation and it sounds like you need a date.

I happen to be in need of a wristband.

Perhaps I could be your plus one for the night.

[sighs] Fine. You seem normal enough.

You can be my date because my husband's an asshole!

- Sir, for the last time-- - Ka-pow!

Oops. Ka-blam!

Flawless reveal, sir. Enjoy the party.

I'm Tom Hanks.

Welcome, Mr. Hanks.

[♪ jazzy Christmas music playing]

[camera shutter clicks]

[guests exclaiming]

It's a winter wonderland.

The shrimp scampi tower.

I can smell the garlicky butter cascading from here.

It's beautiful.

Don't skimp on the scamp!

Hey, Stan, meet my new friend,

All-Pro wide receiver Stefon Diggs.

Jackson told me all about your fantasy football team.

Then I was like, "Wait, I was on that team?"

Office champions! We did it, bro.

I have a spare football in the car.

Feel like tossing me a few long bombs?

Nuh-uh. You want to keep that wristband?

You better not leave my side all night.

But Stefon Diggs--

But Stefon, nothing.

Order me three shots of Tito's while I stretch out my hammies.

We're about to set that dance floor on fire.

[groans]

Maybe we should leave.

What are you talking about? We just got here.

There's something about your date that gives me a bad feeling.

We should try to find some coke ASAP.

We're not going home.

I'm sure everyone is sound asleep by now anyway.

Dang it! Dad knows I can't sleep unless I know everyone's safe in their beds.

- [door opens] - You guys left Scamper's?

I was holding down Big Buck Hunter,

as instructed, and all the lights shut off.

What? We didn't break the golf course.

I love you all so much.

Now, who is ready to rock?

[guests cheering]

Good, because this band can really rip.

Ladies and gents, I give you

Kris Kringle and the Naughty Boys.

[Stan and Klaus] Santa?

He's in a band?

I trapped Santa in the freakin' Jingleverse.

- Guess he got out. - You think?

Check, check.

[grunts]

He's got those weird Jeff Bezos muscles!

He'll kill us, Stan.

Ho ho ho!

This first one's off our new EP.

It's called "Nasty Christmas."

[♪ metal music playing]

♪ I left your Christmas presents underneath the [bleep] tree ♪

♪ A gift card to Sephora because your face looks dead to me ♪

Damn, this goes kind of hard.

- I need to use the bathroom. - No, you don't.

You don't understand. Santa and I have a history.

Join the club. I'm his wife.

- His what now? - His wife.

Clarissa Claus? I married that son of a bitch.

Oh, my God! You're Mrs. Claus?

We're gonna make Santa real jealous tonight.

Stan, we need to get some shrimp scampi and get the [bleep] out of here!

[grunting]

- Smith! - [music stops]

Keep playing, Santa.

My face is only partially melted.

You promised me you wouldn't invite Stan Smith!

I assure you, Smith is not here.

[Clarissa] Yeah, he is.

He's my date.

- [guests gasp] - Wow.

- This is-- - Don't you dare say "awkward."

Awkward!

Why are you doing this, Clarissa? And with him, of all people?

Remember when I called you from the gate because I didn't want to walk in alone?

I told you we had sound check.

You could have left for five minutes.

The levels on Nate's Stratocaster were all--

So typical. Putting your stupid bandmates before me.

Stupid? Nate's an Anthropology major at UMass!

I am so over this.

Why can't you be happy for me?

I've finally found something that gives me creative fulfillment.

Because you turned into jolly old Saint Dick.

Well, I should also be--

You did this, Smith.

You're gonna die tonight.

- [Stan gasps] - [♪ upbeat music playing]

[Santa yelling]

Smith!

[Clarissa] Get in!

I'm keeping the North Pole!

Good luck fitting 1,500 elves

into a studio apartment!

I'm the one who drafted his team.

He wanted OBJ in the second round.

I mean, what year is this?

- [doorknob rattles] - Stan?

Nope. He ran off with my wife.

She took the reindeer, so I need to crash here for a while.

Oh, I'm exhausted.

I'm going to sleep like a rock tonight.

You! White noise.

Um... [hissing softly]

[♪ dance music playing]

[Clarissa snorting]

[Clarissa] Whoo!

That North Pole snow hits different, y'all.

Hey, Chief, you wanna hit the slopes?

I want to sleep.

You know, it snows year-round here.

But we still have to import some snow from Colombia.

Solid joke. I've laughed every time you've said it.

But please, I can't party anymore.

I know exactly what you need.

A bloody effin' Mary!

Bloody Mary, yes! Bloody-bloody- bloody- bloody-bloody-bloody!

Bloody what? Bloody what? Bloody what? Bloody Mary!

So if you're here, who will deliver presents on Christmas?

Oh, I delegate that crap to my right-hand elf, Guffrie.

I work smarter now. I'm not in my early 200s anymore,

splooging big old wads of Christmas magic all night.

"Wads"?

I'm taking better care of myself now.

I started lifting. You lift, Steve?

- No. - Oh, man, you've got to.

I'll hook you up with my amino acid guy. He'll find you some steroids.

With that frame, you're gonna get yoked.

Sorry to interrupt your midlife crisis,

but what the hell is that?

Those would be my dried-up contact lenses.

I wear dailies now.

When I'm about to fall asleep, I just flick 'em wherever. It's liberating.

I'm gonna kill your father.

Dad's still not home?

Damn. You're not worried he's, you know, up to anything with Mrs. Claus?

[laughs]

Your dad? Hell, no.

I got that shit locked down tight.

[cell phone ringing]

This should be good.

- Hello? - Francine, it's me, Klaus.

We're in the North Pole.

Oh, I already know. Santa told me.

Santa Claus?

He said Stan ran off with Mrs. Claus.

That's not how it went down, Franny.

She dragged us up here, and she won't stop serving Bloody Marys.

It's a nightmare!

Right, that sounds terrible.

For your guys' information,

I'm letting Santa stay here till you get back.

Watch this. Oh, and, Klaus?

Mention that Santa sleeps without a shirt on.

Oh, those muscles.

[moaning]

Doesn't Santa look good, Hayley?

Oh, yeah, I'd take a bumpy ride on his Polar Express,

if you know what I mean?

I do.

[♪ dance music playing]

Bloody-bloody-bloody. Sip the Bloody.

- Sip it! - [gags]

- [oven dings] - The weed cookies are done baking.

First, you bake them, then they bake you.

[chuckles]

Again, for the fourth time, that joke is hilarious.

Stan, I talked to Francine.

She's pissed you ditched them for Bullock's party.

And get this. She's letting Santa sleep there

In our house?

You haven't heard the worst of it.

Santa sleeps bare-chested.

He's got the whole family all horned up.

Come on. We're getting the hell out of here.

What are you doing with the decorations?

They're going back to the basement.

Your father ruined Christmas this year, so there's no point in decorating.

But I love Christmas.

It makes me sad and happy.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Stan may be a Grade A jackass, but it's still Christmas.

Why do you care? You're a godless musician now.

Duck, Mom! He's about to splooge wads!

[♪ upbeat music playing]

It's good old-fashioned Christmas magic.

Splooge more!

It does look festive.

It's snowing, bitches.

[♪ dance music playing]

[whispers] That was very fun.

Stan! Where'd you go?

I made us peanut brittle, but with ketamine instead of peanuts.

What's the deal with these reindeer?

"Chuck"? "Leon"? Where's Rudolph?

These guys don't seem like Santa's A-squad.

Listen, Rudolph.

One smells like a man, the other smells like a fish.

Go!

[dogs sniffing]

- I don't know what to do. - Jiggle them or something.

[dogs barking]

Oh, no, you don't.

She sees us, Stan. Go faster. Jiggle them harder!

Mrs. Claus is gaining on us.

Wow! She's got wheels, Stan!

A lightning-quick first step and amazing top-end speed.

Nothing is working.

She's now outpacing the dogs, Stan!

Her gait is equal parts grace and power.

She has long, galloping strides, like Seattle Slew!

On Leon, on Hank, on Rhonda and Frank!

[exclaims]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

You can just talk to 'em, Klaus. They're magic.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I like being here.

Me, too. It's like a new chapter in our relationship.

Can I ask you girls something?

Shoot, Big Red.

Why do women hate music?

You'll need to be a little more specific.

I mean, Mrs. Claus.

Ever since I formed my band, she started acting all crazy.

She's always whining that I don't spend time with her anymore.

Well, do you?

Of course.

I mean, not all the time.

I'm Santa Claus.

I'm a busy guy.

I have to make my list, check it twice.

What about after work?

I usually hit the gym,

then band practice until 3:00, maybe 4:00, in the morning.

Then I wake up and do it all over again.

Come on, Santa.

You've gotta put in a little more effort.

Yeah, dude. Mrs. Claus is lonely, not crazy.

[screaming]

If you don't stop, we'll crash!

I don't care.

I'd rather die than spend another Christmas alone!

[both screaming]

I have an idea.

You could include Mrs. Claus more in your life.

Maybe she could run your social media.

That could work!

She's actually quite active on Facebook.

Loves inspirational quotes, hates vaccines,

loves memes about hating vaccines.

[thudding]

[reindeer wheezing]

[door opens]

Leave my family alone, you roided-out bastard!

It's okay, Dad.

We're cool with Santa now.

We started a new chapter.

- We did? - It's water under the bridge, Smith.

I need to apologize to you guys.

I never should have ditched you for Bullock's party.

Clearly.

I was so busy looking for love from everyone else,

I forgot that all the love I need is right here. With you.

Okay, Stan, that sounds from the heart.

And we forgive you.

I'm okay.

But I don't think I learned any lessons.

[Clarissa groans]

My baby!

[grunts]

- Kris? - Sweet Clarissa.

I was so busy looking for love from everyone else,

I forgot that all the love I need is right here.

With you.

[Klaus] Santa straight-up stole Stan's lesson.

I decided to cancel the band's tour.

I want to spend more time with you.

Oh, Santa.

I'm really sorry I slept with Stan.

You did what?

You seem jealous.

Are you jealous? Tell me you're jealous.

Smith!

I didn't touch her.

[both grunting]

What is with this weather?

When I got dressed up to [bleep] last night, it was a low 50s.

Now I look ridiculous.

I thought we started a new chapter.

That chapter is over!

In this one, you die!

[♪ Christmas music playing]

The American Dad. What a silly goose.