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["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays]

[people chattering]

[laughter]

Okay, martini, very dry.

Nice hair.

Thanks. Gray Fox, straight up.

I did it for Christmas.

Hey, Brandi, I have some advice for you.

Your dye job'’s gone bad.

Really? Billy, I got a little advice for you.

If you kept your mouth shut more often,

you wouldn'’t be alone all the time.

[laughter]

I'’ll just have a little of this.

-Honey, no! -Come on.

No, my boss is watching.

If he gives you any trouble, I'’ll buy the bar.

Oh, my God. Keep that thought.

[laughter]

One more, please.

[laughter]

[chattering]

I hate Christmas.

They'’ve all been to office parties.

They'’re drunk before they come in.

Think of yourself as suicide prevention.

You don'’t actually think they'’re having a great time?

If they tip big, I don'’t judge.

Hey, what you doing for Christmas?

Wanna come over with me and the kids?

None of my ex-husbands are coming. It'’ll be great.

Oh, Zelda, that'’s so sweet of you,

but Scotty invited me to be with his family this year.

[Scott] Come on, it'’ll be great, just like last year.

Remember last year?

[laughter]

Have you talked to your mom yet?

About what?

About what I should bring for Christmas.

Look, honey...

I'’m sorry, but it's just not gonna happen.

But you invited me.

Maybe next year.

But you promised.

What, I'’m good enough to take home to your penthouse,

but not good enough to take home to your parents?

[laughter]

I'’ll send a limo around for you after work, all right?

Now be a good girl and get me another shot.

Here, finish this one, you son of a bitch!

-Whoa! -[laughing]

[Zelda] Would you get table three?

What'’s the matter?

[sniffles]

I'’m not going to Scotty's for Christmas.

Looks like it was all a big joke.

Oh, honey, it'’s no surprise.

Didn'’t the same thing happen last year?

Why do we always fall for it, Zelda?

Why don'’t you quit, darling? I'’ll cover for you.

Go home and don'’t answer the phone.

Make him suffer.

Thanks.

Don'’t give in this time.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Back off, buddy, '’cause I got mace. Just back off.

Agent Cunningham, FBI. I just need to talk to you.

-About what? -About Scott Shift.

What about him?

We believe he swindled a lot of people.

Yeah, including me.

Old people, families, all their money gone.

Nothing left. Whole communities destitute.

Families ripped apart.

I need your help.

Well, I'’m Brandi O'Neil.

Well, I'’m Jake Cunningham. It'’s a pleasure to meet you.

[reporter] This will likely be the big news story of the day.

Gregory Shift and his two sons, Ethan and Scott,

were taken into custody this morning at their homes

in the exclusive Astor Park area of downtown Chicago

and indicted on 17 various counts of fraud...

Here he is. Here he is, Joe!

Hurry!

Mr. Munroe, tell us how we arrived

at the place we'’re at today.

We have followed their dealings,

watched them purchase private golf courses, mansions,

all with their investors'’ money.

Look at him. He always stands behind somebody else.

Where did he get that awful tie?

I sent it to him last Christmas.

Who are you calling?

[ringtone: "Jingle Bells" plays]

Hey, Mom.

I'’m at work.

No, you'’re on television.

Oh, you saw it?

I'’ll bet Dad said something like,

"Why is he always standing in the background?"

He didn'’t say anything of the kind.

Well, that'’s unusual.

[Anne] When will you get here for Christmas? I got --

No, Mom, Mom, Mom.

I'’m not coming home for Christmas, remember?

You said that this would-- this would be the year.

-I have to work. -No.

Mom, I'’ll, uh, talk to you later.

I have to go. Bye-bye.

He'’s not coming, is he?

No.

[Vince] Look, I think we can all agree that Ms. O'’Neil

has been very generous with her time here.

-[Munroe] Of course. -When the Shifts make bail,

which they'’re probably doing right about now, Scott Shift

is gonna be a little more than angry with Ms. O'’Neil.

I can handle Scotty.

Your lawyer has got a good point.

That'’s a nice coat you got there.

Thank you.

Found it in a dumpster.

And that apartment you live in, who pays for that?

-My daddy. -[phone rings]

If that'’s Scott Shift, play it cool.

-Don'’t answer it. -"Don'’t answer it"?

It'’s a cell phone, for God'’s sake.

-Please don'’t. -Hello?

Oh. How'’d you get my number?

Well, what happened, did husband number 15 dump you?

Well, I'’m gonna be working.

Looks like I'’m gonna need the money.

What do you mean call you for Christmas?

I never called you before on Christmas.

Well, I know that things change.

I just never thought that you would, so what...

All right, you know what? I'’ll try, okay?

Goodbye, Ma. God.

All right, sorry, sorry, sorry. Where were we? Where were we?

We were negotiating your protection from the Shifts

in return for your testimony.

If she was present for certain key moments

and didn'’t report what happened, that'’s complicity.

If she doesn'’t testify,

she could be brought up on charges.

-What? -Wait, he'’s bluffing.

Please don'’t toy with my client, Mr. Munroe.

All right.

Fine. Protection.

What would make you happy?

Just get her out of town for a few days.

[scoffs] I'’m not going anywhere.

Just until Shift calms down a little.

Just in case he tries to unconvince you from testifying.

Vincey, I got plans.

Change them.

Mr. Munroe, you got any ideas?

I believe you'’ve met Agent Cunningham.

You don'’t really think Shift could come after her?

Well, he might try to manipulate her so she changes her mind.

-You know where she'’s from? -South Side.

-What street? -Is that important?

Just profiling, that'’s all.

Decker Boulevard comes to mind.

Staunch working class, loyal to their men.

She seems smarter than that.

Look, her profile goes something like this.

She never had anything, not even a compliment,

till she meets Shifty Scott, who ignores her completely,

which she'’s used to it, so it'’s comfortable.

Lives the high life she aspires to

and gives her presents, which she confuses for love.

This girl is totally at the mercy of his lifestyle.

Now, it was smart to insist on getting her out of town, but...

Ugh, why me?

Everything depends on her testimony.

I don'’t need to tell you that.

Right.

You don'’t mind giving up the holiday?

No, to be honest with you, I'’d rather be working.

I like the chase. I like the street.

Right.

And while I'’m in my office

all weekend shuffling through papers,

you'’ll be going away with a pretty girl.

Not my type. Not even close.

[Munroe] Oh, yeah.

[Brandi] I had all these plans for Christmas,

and you ruined them.

Sorry.

Is it cold where we'’re going?

Yes.

Oh, God. I hate the cold.

I have very sensitive ears,

and the wind blows right through them.

Oh, hey! Let'’s go somewhere warm.

-No. -Oh, come on!

You know? Why not? Mexico!

South of the border, margaritas on the beach?

No margaritas.

And you'’re going to have to leave your cell phone here.

Okay.

So, what about you?

Don'’t you have any family that's missing you for Christmas?

I'’m usually working. They'’re used to it.

So, you'’d rather spend your Christmas

with scumbags and cocktail waitresses, huh?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I love my job.

Yeah, right.

[Jake] I'’ve been tracking Scott Shift for three years.

I know almost all there is to know about this man.

Three years, huh? That'’s a long time.

How many girlfriends did he have before me?

-I can'’t disclose that. -All right, listen, Fred...

-Jake. -What?

-My name'’s Jake. -Thought it was Fred.

-No. It'’s Jake. -Well, whatever, okay?

I don'’t need protection, because Scotty

would never hurt me because he loves me.

We believe your decision to testify against Scott Shift

could put you in serious danger.

The only reason you'’re saying that is to keep me in line.

I know the game, okay? I am not stupid.

The only danger I'’m in is of getting a full-length mink

and an invitation to the Shift mansion

for their annual Christmas hoedown

in return for my silence.

Which I am reconsidering, Fred.

Well, prison is lovely this time of year.

I'’m not falling for that one, either.

Okeydokey. I am ready to go.

You'’re not going in that outfit.

Do you have a problem with it?

It'’s winter.

Hmm. Well, you have to suffer for beauty.

What have you got in here?

We'’re only going away for a few days.

Does your girlfriend dress nice?

Most of them do.

Oh, you haven'’t found Mrs. Right yet, huh?

No.

That'’s 'cause you need to chill. You are too uptight.

Comes with the job.

No, I think you are naturally tense,

and the job allows you to say, "It comes with the job."

Have you ever been married?

Nope, but my ma has four times.

Four Mr. Rights.

That'’s why I left home when I was 15.

Oh, man, it feels good to get out of the city, huh?

-[radio clicks on] -Please leave that alone.

-Just wanna have a little fun. -Yeah, well, please don'’t.

I get it, you can'’t have fun

because you don'’t think I deserve to have fun.

Don'’t want to encourage me, huh?

You said that. I didn'’t.

Well, I'’m having fun. Man!

Thanks.

Think Scotty'’s out of jail by now?

To be honest with you, I don'’t think he spent a minute there.

Lawyer was probably waiting on the steps.

Man, that'’s so not fair.

-You gonna eat this? -Mm-hmm.

["Jingle Bells" plays]

Oh, lord.

You look scared. Must be your ma.

[Jake] Hey, Mom, what'’s up?

He what? When?

Look, I'’ll be there in a couple hours.

No, I will, I will, Ma. I will.

My father had a heart attack.

Oh, my God. Is he gonna be okay?

I have to go home.

Excuse me. Could I get a check, please?

Home? We'’re going to your... You'’re taking me home?

Ah, well, just to make sure he'’s okay, then we'll go on.

Ma'’am, please, can I get a check?

How are you gonna explain me?

[Jake] Uh...

I'’ll come up with something. Okay? Ma'’am?

That'’s like a 50% tip.

You might wanna leave... You wanna take some...

You don'’t wanna be leaving that.

Maybe we'’re dating? Nah, it'’s too iffy.

You don'’t bring home someone you'’re just dating.

Ah! We got engaged.

I cannot do that to my parents.

Look what they did to you.

You wear gray as an expression of your intelligence.

-You don'’t get any jokes. -Okay. All right, all right.

Here'’s what we'll do. Here'’s the plan.

We'’ll pretend we're dating. Dating.

Are we sleeping together?

You gotta be kidding me. I cannot think about that.

Of course we'’re sleeping together.

That'’s why we're dating, duh.

Hopefully, hopefully, my father'’s condition

will divert my mother from too much inquiry.

Maybe we'’re dating

with some serious questions about the future,

and you tried to give me a ring,

but I refused '’cause I thought it was too soon,

and you were-- you were so hurt,

but you were proud of me for being the mature one.

You know, that makes it more than just sex.

The only problem with that is you are so not my type.

You know, I wouldn'’t be doing this if it wasn'’t an emergency.

And you could thank your lawyer for sitting here.

That'’s right, 'cause nothing stops the FBI!

Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow.

That would be the mailman.

Whatever.

And you gotta promise me you will behave appropriately.

Yeah, sure. No problem.

[Jake] We'’re here.

You gotta be kidding me, right?

[Jake] Welcome to the Cunninghams'’.

Thank goodness you'’ve come.

[Jake] How is he?

And... and you'’ve brought, uh, company.

How nice.

Yeah, uh, Mom, this is Brandi.

Brandi.

Like my favorite after-dinner drink.

Your mother must be very clever.

Actually, she was in recovery at the time.

Isn'’t that great?

She has something in common with all your neighbors, Mom.

Jake has an odd sense of humor.

Can we come in? '’Cause I'm freezing.

I'’ll bet you are.

Please, please, excuse my manners.

I just... Well, I don'’t know.

I suppose "shocked" is the word.

Jake has never brought a girl home before,

and he told us that he had to work on Christmas.

He did? It'’s not nice to lie to your mom, Jakey.

Shame on you.

How'’s Dad?

Who wants a hot toddy?

I drank the first batch while I was waiting for you,

so I mixed up a new one,

and it should be just about ready.

[kettle whistling]

Jakey, I wish you could have prepared me for all this.

I would have packed a whole lot different.

[Jake] Mom, where'’s Dad?

Your father is upstairs asleep.

I made these rather strong,

but after all, it is late.

-Skoal! -Thanks.

Wait, Dad'’s home already?

Your father is fine.

Don'’t touch that!

It'’s very old,

and, rumor has it, it came across on the Mayflower.

Sorry, Mrs. Cunningham.

Please, call me Anne.

Now, tell me, Brandi, what do you do?

I mean, for a living.

I'’m a cocktail waitress.

A cocktail waitress?

Mom...

And is that... enough for you?

Oh, it'’s the best job I ever had, you know?

Beats cleaning houses.

Plus, it allows me to use my people skills.

People skills? Good.

Mom, what do you mean Dad is fine?

I lied to you.

I just wanted you home for Christmas.

-You lied? -You deserved it.

And once I had determined that, it was really quite easy.

Oh, my... Okay. That'’s it, that's it.

We'’re out of here. We'’re leaving.

-Bye-bye! -Oh, we just got here.

Make sure you say goodbye to your sister

and brother-in-law and Ashley, of course.

That'’s Jake's niece, Brandi. And of course, your father.

It meant so much to him

that you were finally coming home for Christmas

after all these years.

[Brandi] Oh, please, can we stay? Come on.

There! Brandi likes it.

Please, please.

Why don'’t I show you up to your room?

No. We'’re not staying.

I can hear your subtext, Jake. There'’s no need to shout.

You owe me an apology.

I apologize.

Right this way, Brandi.

It'’s the museum of ancient Jake.

I haven'’t changed anything since he left home.

I got it, I got it.

You know, I'’m gonna go put my things in the guest room.

Oh, why bother?

Why pretend that you'’re not sleeping together

when it is so, so, so obvious that you are?

Thanks for understanding, Anne.

Not at all.

These are modern times.

Much as I abhor them.

Wake up.

Wake up.

[Stefanie] Mom?

We have an emergency.

Your brother has brought home a predator.

A-A predator?

[Jake] You shouldn'’t have told my mother

you'’re a cocktail waitress.

Why not? It'’s a great job.

Just would have been easier, that'’s all.

Easier? Like not telling me you come from all this money?

That was easier too, wasn'’t it?

It'’s meaningless.

To you maybe.

But if I had all this? God, it would change my life.

Can we stay?

I mean, Scotty would never suspect we were here.

Uh, I don'’t know. It could be a little bit risky.

If we do, there'’s certain subjects

you cannot bring up with my father.

To wit: Politics, taxes, world hunger,

the environment, affirmative action, welfare,

the stock market, real estate, and me.

Do not talk to him about me.

So, basically, it'’s just the great books?

Ah, you'’ve read the great books?

No.

That'’s unfortunate.

You'’re telling me.

So, is your father a lawyer or something?

Judge. My sister is the lawyer that I was supposed to become.

Her husband, Jerry, he'’s a child psychologist.

And her daughter, Ashley, she'’s a...

Well, she'’s a great kid.

Oh, I love kids.

-[Jake] Stay away from her. -Why?

You might say the wrong thing.

Well, if I promise all that, can we stay?

I guess so. Yes.

I never wear pajamas. Thanks for lending me yours.

Oh, and Teddy.

Thanks for Teddy.

General Patton had a teddy bear. So did Eisenhower.

[Brandi] How do you know that?

Good night.

[groans]

[people chattering]

[Brandi] ...not exactly looking at the scenery.

So, Jake slams on the brakes,

I'’m screaming, and this deer runs right across the road.

I'’d never seen one before.

I mean, well, I saw one in Bambiwhen I was a kid,

but I didn'’t know they were so cute, you know?

It'’s standing there in the middle of the road

like this photo opportunity, and I'’m thinking,

wow, you know?

Wow, I love the country.

Who knew?

How did you and Jake meet, Brandi?

Uh, well, I was waitressing, and he was, uh, agenting,

and that'’s how we met.

-Anne, can I help you out there? -No, no, I'’m fine.

Keep talking, everyone.

Really? Was he on a case?

Well, he'’s not really allowed to talk about that stuff,

but all I can say about your brother

is that when he'’s investigating someone,

he breathes real hard.

[Brandi clears throat]

Fascinating.

Well, well! Look who finally got up.

Jakey, your sister'’s been cross-examining me

about how we met.

At a stakeout, apparently.

I bet you'’re a great lawyer.

She oughta spend more time at home

trying to be a great mother.

Dad, don'’t start.

Your brother, on the other hand,

chose not to develop any of his potential.

Stop it, Joe. Coffee, darling?

Yeah, thank you, Mom.

His potential, huh? You had potential.

Could I talk to you for a moment in private, please?

Oh, sure thing, Jakey.

He misses me. Be right back.

God. Is your family always this uptight?

Let'’s get a number of things straight.

You will not call me darling, honey, or sweetheart.

And you will definitely not call me Jakey.

Now, I don'’t know what you'’ve told them so far,

but it had better be plausible.

And you will not pout, swish, sashay, or even just whine.

Swish?

Yeah, that thing you do with your--

My butt?

-Hips. -It'’s a habit.

-Get over it. It'’s, it's... -Distracting?

Dishonest.

Furthermore, your napkin goes in your lap,

your elbows should be removed from the table,

and you must not slurp.

If you slurp, my mother will call the police

and have you arrested for violating the table laws.

Got it?

Well, how do you not slurp?

You sip.

Well, great, now I'’m afraid to eat.

Mmm, good.

And if anybody asks you a question at all,

just keep quiet.

-I think I'’m good for them. -You do?

I can loosen them up a little bit.

They'’re so anxious. Especially Ashley.

I can'’t believe her dad'’s a kid shrink.

Her dad'’s a little semi-famous.

Yeah, well, I think he is fully useless.

Please, just watch it.

For you, Jakey.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, stop that, all right? Stop it, or...

Or you'’ll cuff me, Agent Cunningham?

Did I tell you we saw you on television?

Mmm.

Yeah, Mom called.

Can somebody please pass the French toast?

[Joe] This case could land you a promotion.

[Jerry] You might even consider getting an agent.

You could parlay this into a nice lecture series, huh?

[Stefanie] Jerry has an agent now that he'’s

a public access channel personality.

[Jerry] I heard one of the Shift brothers went to Princeton

and has a... you know, a fetish.

You know, their over-inflated sense of entitlement

would be a very enticing subject for a dissertation.

French toast, please?

Yeah, sorry.

You know, I can'’t talk about the case.

You'’d consider a promotion, wouldn'’t you?

It depends. I...

This is the opportunity of a lifetime, Jake.

Only an idiot would blow it.

We'’re all very proud of you.

-Hear! Hear! -Hear! Hear!

Something wrong?

I'’ll go find out.

Sit down. You'’ve hardly eaten anything.

You watch her like a hawk, Jake.

It'’s not attractive.

Okay, now, obviously he'’s unsure of her commitment, all right?

Have another sausage link. Ashley will check on her.

[Jake] No, Mom. Ash, please.

I'’ll have another sausage link.

I, I...

[Anne] Really, Jake, you have to calm down.

You act as though she were in custody.

Or heat.

[laughs]

[clears throat]

-Oh, hi. -Hey.

Everybody'’s so tense about the open house.

What'’s that?

It'’s this big party Grandma and Grandpa have every year,

where all these people come and talk and eat and drink

and spill all over,

and the kids run around without supervision.

And by the end of the night,

somebody always drives up on the lawn and ruins the grass.

And of course my grandpa gets mad and yells at them.

[chuckles] Sounds like fun.

Only when Kevin Shook doesn'’t show up.

Who'’s Kevin Shook?

I shouldn'’t have said anything.

You can tell me. I won'’t tell anyone.

Or if you don'’t want to, you don'’t have to.

Well, I can'’t talk to my mom about it, and my dad

is so completely out of it.

Yeah, I noticed that.

He'’s semi-famous. Isn'’t that funny?

Mmm.

Want one?

Oh, thanks.

So, tell me about this Kevin Shook guy.

Well, his parents went to school with my mom,

so they come to the party every year and they bring him.

And, well, I sort of like him.

Actually, I like him so much, but he doesn'’t like me.

Oh, that'’s a very common problem.

Sometimes I think he likes me, but he never even looks at me.

Really?

I just want to make him like me.

Well, there are ways to get a guy to like you

even when he doesn'’t want to.

There are?

Oh, yeah.

Really, Mother, what is he thinking?

It'’s a nightmare.

His taste is just so...

Obvious?

He'’s totally smitten.

And what about her?

What'’s she getting out of this?

The moment she realizes that Jake has no ambition,

she'’ll find someone richer and more important and trade him in.

But don'’t say a word about any of it or he'’ll leave.

If he leaves early,

it'’ll be because Dad says something, not me.

Mom, I'’m the youngest partner in my firm,

and all he can ever talk about

is how I should stay at home more.

He never says "I'’m proud of you" or "Good job."

I know, and I'’m working on him, but I'’m not sure he'll change.

In the meantime, we have a more pressing crisis.

What will the neighbors think when they come to our open house

and meet our Ms. Brandi?

Okay, check this out. All right?

-Nice! -Yeah.

I had no idea boys were so easy.

[Brandi] They get a lot easier as they get older.

See? Just do this. Come on. Your turn.

Yeah! Smile. "I'’m Ashley."

Yeah! But you know, you got to kind of move your hips more.

-[Ashley] Okay. -[Brandi] Like dancing.

You'’re like, "Hello." What'’s the boy's name again?

-Kevin. -Kevin. Hello, Kevin.

Hey, Kevin, it'’s Ashley, how you doing?

-All right, go on, try. -Okay.

Hey, Kevin. Oh, hi!

Oh! Hi, Uncle Jake.

Get inside. Now.

Are you out of your mind? She is 13 years old.

If she starts now, she'’ll have it down by the time she'’s 18.

There are better ways, like using your brain, for example.

When has that ever worked, huh? [chuckles]

Do you want her to end up like you?

That'’s the first honest thing you'’ve said to me since we met.

Or did you forget telling me

ruining my life was gonna put you on the map?

That'’s the way they think, not the way I think.

Well, you want to leave, right? Well, I am out of here.

Brandi, wait.

Brandi, wait a minute. Brandi, come here.

Brandi.

Brandi, please don'’t leave.

I don'’t need protection. I've been on my own since I'’m 15.

I can protect myself.

First of all, Scott Shift has a lot to lose,

and you are the only one who can bring him down.

You need protection, and that is my job.

And I am going to do my job.

And, second of all,

my mother has gone to ridiculous lengths to get me here,

and things will get better, I promise you.

I will make things better if you would just please stay.

One more insult and I am out of here.

I have spent Christmas alone in a bus station,

and I can do it again.

It looks just like a magazine in here.

Are your parents upset you won'’t be with them for Christmas?

My mom is.

There'’s a couple of dads who couldn'’t care less.

And that'’s why I don't go home for Christmas.

Your mother was married more than once?

At least she kept trying.

I know this isn'’t any of my business,

but Jake doesn'’t really seem like your type.

He'’s silent, repressed and totally lacking in spontaneity.

Yeah.

Maybe that'’s what makes him so good in bed.

Ah. There you are.

Can'’t get enough of me, can you, Jakey?

-So, so what, um... -Oh, we were, uh...

[Brandi] Just getting to know each other.

A little girl talk, that'’s all.

Well, it'’s time for bed.

Oh, he is totally obsessed with me.

Good night, girls.

Good night.

It'’s a nightmare.

I remember this one Christmas, I was maybe nine.

My mom had just gotten a divorce from...

I think it was Sal. No, it was George.

The house was so quiet.

No fighting.

Nothing to be scared of.

I had my mom to myself for the first time ever.

And we got up really early

and we turned on the lights on the Christmas tree,

and it was so beautiful.

Then we put this videotape

of this fire crackling in a fireplace

on the television.

[both chuckle]

Then we opened up the gifts, just the two of us.

It was so great.

Then the doorbell rang.

My mom says to me, "Sweetie,

I got one more present for you, but it was too big to wrap."

And even though we live in the city,

I'’m thinking pony, you know?

She opens up the door,

and there'’s this guy standing there,

this guy I didn'’t even know.

And she says, "Merry Christmas, baby, this is your new daddy."

After that, it was like I wasn'’t even there.

I was just invisible.

You deserved better than that.

That'’s a very nice thing to say, Agent Cunningham.

You know that I'’m... that I'’m on duty

and there'’s nothing you can do to stop me from doing my job.

Don'’t worry.

I only kissed you back there to get your mom angry.

She hated it.

Do you mind if I come in? It smells so good in here.

Well, it'’s awfully late.

I can'’t sleep.

Maybe it'’s because I'’m too excited.

I can'’t believe you do all this. Do you need help?

Well, um...

if you want to, you can sift the flour.

I don'’t know how.

Your mother didn'’t bake?

She thought about it. [chuckles]

You can make pecan balls, then.

You just, um...

You just take a little dough

and make it into a little ball, put it on the cookie sheet.

I have to make 150 of these

before our open house tomorrow night.

Wow. I'’ve never been to an open house.

Aren'’t you afraid someone weird will come?

Oh, I pray someone weird will come to liven things up.

But you know, it'’s not just an open house.

This is the most important social event of the year.

All right, well, then I have got to ask you a question.

How do you become the person that everyone counts on?

Most people don'’t recognize what it takes.

It'’s nice that you do.

[timer beeping]

I have a confession to make.

What kind of confession?

I'’m not sleeping with Jake.

You don'’t have to tell me that.

Well, it'’s not like I wouldn'’t or anything.

It'’s just that Jake's never taken advantage

of the situation.

He-- he'’s got discipline. Or-- or manners.

Not that I would exactly know what that is,

but what...

what I'’m trying to say is,

Jake is too good a person to sleep with me,

and it wouldn'’t have worked out anyhow, so...

I see.

So don'’t worry, we'’re not getting married

or anything like that.

Oh, I wasn'’t worried.

Oh, yes, you were! But that'’s okay.

I understand.

You think I'’m trash. So does Jake.

Although he is trying to get over

some of his childhood prejudices.

I see.

I'’m trying to get over some of my prejudices too.

Like, I thought that all rich people were judgmental

and self-centered and thought-free,

but that is not true, because you know what?

You think.

I do try.

I have another confession to make.

I used to dream of going to fancy parties.

But I don'’t think I should be going to this shindig,

because I don'’t have anything fancy to wear.

So, don'’t worry, okay?

Well, um...

You know, Jake would be really disappointed

if you'’re not there.

He'’ll think that someone said something offensive to you,

and then he'’ll blame me, of course.

I could take you shopping tomorrow.

I love shopping.

Well, I-I don'’t want to interfere,

but I, of course, have some ideas

about what might be good on you.

All right. Cool.

Ah!

[squeals]

Merry Christmas! Whoo!

I think she could stand a bit more eye shadow.

-Less. -Mother, it'’ll be nighttime.

-She could use extra color. -I like pink eye shadow.

Quiet, dear. We'’re talking.

Less shadow, please.

But I think the cheeks could be a bit brighter.

She'’ll look like Pippi Longstocking.

She'’ll look like a Vassar girl.

I'’ll look like a bank teller who can'’t get a date.

You'’ll die of exposure in that.

Well, my ma says you have to suffer for beauty.

Yes, but must we all?

This just isn'’t Christmasy enough.

It'’s perfectly fine.

My brother will be speechless.

Not if I'’m walking like a robot and nothing shows.

The Junior League will be impressed.

And we care about the Junior League?

In a perfect world, the Junior League could take a flying...

[laughter]

Okay, cool.

I'’m sure there's something here that we can agree on.

Now, Albert Watson is having an affair with Thelma Goldman.

But neither of their spouses knows it,

and both will be there.

So don'’t mention words like betrayal, adultery,

disgusting display, et cetera, in their midst.

All right, I'’ll try not to.

And there'’s a little problem with Bill Wharpley,

our neighbor.

He'’s devoted to red bow ties.

Don'’t mention horses. Or Russian history.

And be prepared, he will stare at your chest

instead of your eyes when he talks to you.

Hey, what'’s wrong with that, huh?

[chuckles]

Elizabeth Honeywell will notice and comment,

and we don'’t want that.

Who'’s Elizabeth Honeywell?

-Bill Wharpley'’s wife. -My bridge partner.

All right, so, basically, I talk about, um, nothing.

Smooth.

I want her hair smooth, not high.

["Jingle Bells" plays]

[guests chattering]

[laughter]

Everything you need?

No. You don'’t have a drink. Have that one. I'’ll get another.

Enjoy.

-And how'’s Margie? -Margie'’s...

[man] Peter, look.

Minus 40! [laughs]

[woman] She'’s lovely, Iris. Do we know her?

[woman 2] No. I saw her at the spa.

-That is a beautiful dress. -Yeah.

[man] I think she'’s a friend of the family.

-You look gorgeous. -Thank you.

[Anne] Why, when things are going well, do you always

look as if you'’re in pain?

Loosen up, Jakey. You'’re finally getting a life.

Brandi, you look smashing.

Thanks. I didn'’t know if I could pull it off.

Oh, no, no. You, uh... You pull it off.

Jake thinks so, too. He just can'’t speak at the moment.

Jerry, mingle.

Your mom bought me this dress.

I had my doubts.

It'’s, it's...

It'’s so lovely.

I don'’t know, but this could be the real me.

[laughs]

Well, I was beginning to appreciate the other one,

but this one is-- is--

is good, too.

-Brandi... -What?

Brandi, I'’d like you to meet Butch Owens,

our pastor and my father'’s golf partner.

Oh, I bet everybody who beats you feels guilty, Father.

[laughing] You'’re right.

That'’s how I get them to come to church.

All right!

You'’re a lucky man, Jake.

Oh, sure is.

I hate this outfit! I look like I'’m four years old.

I can'’t talk to Kevin Shook in this.

I like it.

You wear it.

-Teenagers. -Yeah.

All that kid needs is a little self-confidence.

Are you suggesting that I don'’t know how to raise my own child?

No! You just don'’t know how to dress her.

[man] 1.6 billion.

Have you seen Joe?

Great, thanks.

Hello, Stan. Merry Christmas.

Joe, did you get to talk with the Smithsons?

They'’ve already left, and I didn'’t get a chance.

Frank has allergies. The dog has a tumor.

They'’ll have to put it down, but they'’re not

going to do anything till after the holidays.

However, there'’s a distinct possibility

she said the dog has allergies and Frank has a tumor,

in which case, they'’ll have to put Frank down.

[chuckles]

I'’ll call Dale on Monday. Thank you, dear.

Stan, have you met everyone here?

Joe, introduce him to everyone.

Well, I wouldn'’t mind being introduced to her.

[chuckles] Scott Shift likes groupies.

I'’ve only seen her a few times at a distance.

Quite the difference, I must say. She cleans up well.

What are you talking about?

You don'’t know who she is?

She'’s the current distraction

from my son'’s pursuit of a real career.

-You'’re joking. -I wish I were.

That'’s Scott Shift's girlfriend.

That'’s ridiculous.

She'’s promised to turn state's evidence against them all.

Oh, you know I'’m representing the Shifts

with their current difficulties down in the city?

No, I-- I didn'’t.

Your son been working on the case?

I believe he has, yeah.

Mmm, then he'’s assigned to her.

I was wondering where they'’d hidden her.

Who'’d have guessed she was right under my nose?

Yeah, who?

Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.

[Anne] When you have a moment, start collecting empties

because I think we'’re running out.

I'’ve had it with him. I'’ve finally had it with him.

Who, dear?

Bring the girl to my office.

[laughter]

Sorry we'’re late. We were being detained by the pastor.

Yes, he was telling us a story about a priest and a monk.

Oh, must be important.

I'’ll cut to the chase.

Jake has brought home a case he'’s been working on.

What do you mean?

Tell your mother.

Brace yourself.

Brandi and I...

we'’re not, um, together.

We'’re greatly relieved to hear that, I assure you.

Brandi happens to be...

I'’m a witness, and I was going to testify against my boyfriend,

and Jake was assigned to protect me.

Oh!

The federal prosecutor has been hiding her here in our house.

I'’m not a criminal or anything.

I came here because I thought you'’d had a heart attack.

A heart attack?

Just once...

Just once, I wanted it to be like old times.

I am under strict orders not to reveal who she is to anyone.

Otherwise, I would have told you.

Now, Brandi has been gracious enough to give up her Christmas

to come here and be a part of mine.

I think you owe her an apology.

[scoffs]

Hmm.

I should have used better judgment, hmm?

Should'’ve told Mom I couldn'’t possibly come home

to see my dying father?

How did you find out?

I play golf with the Shifts'’ lawyer.

Apparently, they'’re being falsely accused.

No, don'’t tell me you actually believe that.

They'’re so corrupt, they'’re anti-American.

Well, I trust Stan.

Do you? How can you invite a man like that

to a party in your house

and object to someone who'’s helping the United States

convict a group of criminals? How?!

I don'’t like being deceived.

Deceived?! I'’m obeying the rules!

I want you both out of my house.

[Anne] Oh, Joe.

Think about everyone else, won'’t you?

Everyone is counting on being with Jake and Brandi

for Christmas.

Please, please drop this ridiculous stance.

It'’s Christmas Eve, for gosh sakes.

Jake was just doing his job, Mr. Cunningham.

We'’ll continue this charade, for the family,

till the Christmas presents have been opened tomorrow

and Christmas dinner consumed.

Then, unexpectedly, you'’ll be called back to Chicago

and the two of you will leave this house immediately.

Is that clear?

Extremely clear.

And you will never, ever do this to us again.

Don'’t worry. I won'’t be back here again.

-Jake... -Let'’s go.

You'’re so wrong in what you said to Jake.

Our children'’s happiness is more important

than what the neighbors think.

Go apologize to him.

I didn'’t say anything I didn'’t believe.

Thank God they'’re not together. Maybe there is a Santa Claus.

Joe Cunningham, I'’m ashamed of you.

Your stubbornness and inability to forgive

have kept our son away all these years.

It was his choice, not mine.

He will never come here again after this.

Is that what you want?

Is it?

I just don'’t know about you anymore.

Boy, your father'’s a real piece of work.

I didn'’t ask to come here. I didn'’t wanna come here.

No, but you wanted to stay.

You know what? I don'’t need to be put on trial by your family.

I want to go home.

If I want to be humiliated,

I'’ll have Scotty humiliate me, not your family.

Brandi, that is not gonna make a difference.

He is the best boyfriend that I ever had.

And I could'’ve made it work

if I didn'’t get so angry and turn him in.

-I'’m so stupid! -No, no.

Let me tell you something about Shift.

I tailed him day in and day out, 365 days a year.

I was his shadow. I was his echo.

I know what he did every waking moment of his life, Brandi.

So what?

So you weren'’t the only one.

-You'’re a liar! -No. No, no, no, no.

That is the kind of guy he is, Brandi.

Don'’t you get that?

Fraud.

You'’d better wake up.

Because he'’s using you, Brandi. He'’s using you.

Fine, go!

[door slams]

[crying]

I heard Brandi crying in your room.

What did you do to her?

Why do you think I did anything?

Oh, Uncle Jake, you'’re so stupid.

You better not have broken up with her.

-I can assure you that... -She'’s the best.

She'’s pretty and she's nice and she talks to you

and she says what she feels,

and nobody else around here does that.

And you don'’t fool me a bit. You watch every move she makes.

You'’re in love with her.

And I was hoping she was gonna be my aunt.

Now you'’ve ruined everything.

-Ashley! -How could you do this to me?

Look, Ashley. Ash, I...

[groans]

[sighs]

I can'’t win.

Help me with this.

Are you in love with her?

Absolutely not.

Oh. Well...

Are you sure?

I was just trying to keep her from thinking too much

about her old boyfriend.

She'’s still in love with the guy.

I believe she may be in love with you.

You do?

Are you sure?

How do you know that?

Oh, Lord, you are in love with her.

I'’m your mother. That'’s how I know.

[chuckles]

And here'’s something else I know.

You will regret it for the rest of your life

if you let this business with Brandi

ruin your relationship with your father.

That relationship was ruined way before this, Mom.

Way before this.

I don'’t think that forgiveness is earned.

I think it'’s given.

The only way this will ever end is when one of you decides

to just forgive the other out of generosity,

when you need that more than you need to be right.

[beeping]

Merry Christmas to you, you scumbag. You piece of...

What do you mean I'’m the one who should be sorry?

You were seeing someone else!

You lied to me. You lied to me all along.

No, sir. No, sir. I wasn'’t sleeping.

Yes, sir. Everything is going as intended.

No problem. We will see you the 26th.

I don'’t know where I am. Somewhere cold.

Guess what. I went to a big, fancy Christmas party

and I wore a beautiful gown, and everybody loved me.

We'’re coming back right after Christmas.

Yeah, like I should believe that, huh?

Call you? Oh, yeah, that'’ll happen.

I'’ll think about it.

She'’s fine, sir. Safe with me.

Well, Merry Christmas to you too, sir.

Night.

[Anne] Merry Christmas, everyone!

[all] Merry Christmas!

Oh, I can'’t believe it. What do you know?

Somebody must have been very good last year.

Merry Christmas, sleepy boy.

Merry Christmas, Jake!

[laughter]

-Morning. -Oh, it'’s so wonderful.

[Anne] Maybe one for you? Not coffee.

-Thank you, Grandma. -Coffee for you?

Everything, Mom. Thank you.

[Jerry] Ahh, Christmas coffee.

-Merry Christmas, Joe. -Merry Christmas, everybody.

[Stefanie] Merry Christmas.

-[Anne] Brandi. -Hey.

Well, why don'’t you sit right next to Jake, hmm?

-[Anne] Coffee? -No, thanks.

-This one'’s for you. -Thank you very much.

And this one'’s for you.

No, sweetie, that'’s not for me.

Your name is on it.

Oh.

Here you go, Daddy. This one'’s for you.

Yes! Thank you!

Oh, well, well! Can'’t imagine what this can be.

Let'’s see.

I still can'’t imagine what this can be. What is this?

-It'’s a relaxation pillow. -[gasps]

There'’s lavender in it. Smell.

Ohh! Thank you!

Oh, you know, it'’s just what I wanted. It'’s beautiful.

-[Stefanie] Merry Christmas. -Mmm! [snores]

It works. Thank you. Thank you.

Mwah! You'’re welcome. Merry Christmas.

[Jerry] Merry Christmas.

-Oh! -Ah!

And who could that be from?

Don'’t forget to say thank you.

Thank you, Grandma.

[Anne] You'’re welcome, sweetheart.

What else do you have under there?

[Ashley gasps] Oh, cool! A snowboard!

Thank you, Mom! Thank you, Dad!

You'’re welcome.

You gonna open your presents?

Oh, uh, no, it'’s okay.

Go ahead, dear. It'’s all right.

Okay.

Oh, Anne, when did you find the time?

-Do you like it? -[Brandi] I love it.

Somehow it just looked like you.

Thank you, Anne.

Open mine. Open mine.

-[Jerry] Nice. -Oh la la! Very nice.

[gasps] I saw this one in the window.

Isn'’t it great? You'’re be the only person

I could think of who would actually wear it.

Oh, thank you, Stefanie.

Very nice.

Now open mine.

Did you buy me a present with your own money?

Sure, silly.

Oh, you.

It'’s for your deepest thoughts.

Well, I try not to think too much,

so maybe this will help me, huh?

Give me a kiss.

-[chuckles] -Come on, Dad. Open yours.

This is the worst day of my entire life.

Well, it'’s not over yet.

-Is this already packed? -Yeah, it'’s good to go.

That'’s a... That shirt is really, uh...

tropical.

[chuckles] Thank you.

Yeah.

[Ashley] But I hate this sweater!

It'’s worse than that dress you made me wear to the party.

I just want to look like a normal person.

Why can'’t I ask her to take it back?

You put that sweater on right now

and march right downstairs, young lady,

with a smile on your face, and you thank your grandmother.

You want me to lie?

Just do it. Do you hear me?

I am not putting on that hideous sweater!

You can'’t make me!

[door slams]

Come out of there, Ashley!

I bet you think this is funny.

Who'’s laughing?

She has nothing to complain about.

[Brandi] Stefanie, can I ask you a question?

I guess so.

How come you got me such nice gifts?

I thought you didn'’t even like me.

[Stefanie] Oh, of course I did.

Well, I suppose I didn'’t at first.

You did hang on to my brother

as if he were a winning lottery ticket.

Well...

Then I figured out that isn'’t the real you.

I can see how much you two really love each other,

and I felt bad for judging you too quickly.

And I wanted to make up for it.

Oh, okay.

Stefanie, open up the door. I got a great idea.

Do you really have to leave right away?

The government calls. I have to go.

Such a shame. We could have gone cross-country skiing

and then come home and had drinks by the fire.

Or vice versa.

Mom, it hasn'’t snowed one flake all winter.

Now there'’s a picture. Beautiful!

Anne, I saw this moose and I just had to have it.

And Stefanie said that she didn'’t think you'd mind

if we switched, and Ashley was willing to sacrifice.

I don'’t mind at all.

I'’m very proud of you, Ashley.

[Ashley] Thank you, Grandma.

[Anne] You'’re welcome, sweetheart.

-[Ashley] Thank you, Mom. -[Stefanie] You'’re welcome.

Maybe we should go back and apologize to your dad.

That'’s a bad idea, and totally inappropriate.

What is it with you people and this appropriate crap?

He completely overreacted.

He'’s your dad, Jake.

-We'’re very different. -You'’re lucky you got him.

You wouldn'’t understand it, and please, please don'’t try.

In the grand scheme of things, Jake, what'’s the big deal?

I can'’t bear his disappointment in me.

Okay, so?

And all he cares about are appearances

and what he can brag about to his golf buddies at the club.

He doesn'’t care about me.

And just for the record,

I really, really don'’t need your advice right now.

Oh, advice from a wet T-shirt contest winner is bad advice?

I didn'’t say that. I don'’t think that. You do.

Three years in a row, buddy.

I'’ll say goodbye.

And, Jake, tell him you'’re sorry.

Can'’t.

It doesn'’t matter if you are or not. Just say the words.

It'’s the words that are important.

I can'’t. I can't.

Please, Jake. Please do it for me.

Tell him you'’re sorry.

All right. Okay. For you.

Dad, I'’m sorry.

Safe journey, then.

[Jake] Did you hear what I just said?

He did it. He did it.

I apologize for not telling you what was going on,

but I couldn'’t.

And how could you do something like that to me?

You completely disregarded all my values.

Dad, Dad, I have the same values you do.

But people aren'’t as simple as values.

The bad do good things every once in a while, and the good,

they make mistakes.

Like your friend Stan.

I believe she'’s smart enough to see what'’s going on,

and she'’ll turn state's evidence against Scott Shift.

What did they say?

He believes in you.

[Jake] If she does, she'’ll be the real hero in this case, Dad.

Not the feds, and certainly not me.

She has the most to lose here.

And as long as I'’m telling you the truth,

let me tell you one more.

I'’ve always wanted an authentic life, and I got one.

I get to be myself at all times.

I don'’t care how much money I make

or how much prestige I have.

I'’m happy doing what I love to do.

It'’s how I make a difference, and I am damn good at it, Dad.

I am not a failure.

Well, it'’s time for you to go.

That'’s all?

That'’s all you have to say to me?

That'’s all.

Mm-mmm. No way.

No way. I knew.

I knew you couldn'’t apologize to me.

I knew it. I knew it.

It'’s not fair that she has to go, too.

Why can'’t you go back to work

and let Brandi stay here with us?

Ash, I can'’t.

Oh, sweetie, I wish that I could stay,

but I got to get back and take care of my guinea pig.

-Oh. -Remember what I taught you

-about how to attract a guy? -Yeah.

Well, forget it, '’cause I was wrong.

You are so cool and so smart.

You just be yourself and the right guy'’s gonna find you.

-Really? -Yeah, and if someone

comes along and wants you to change for them,

-then he'’s not the right one. -Thank you.

All right, give me a kiss.

And if you'’re ever sad, I gave you my number.

-You got my pager, you got... -I'’m so sorry.

Why do I even try?

He doesn'’t mean it.

You always make excuses for him.

At least you did it. You had compassion.

You didn'’t let your ego get in the way of your judgment.

Then why am I the one who feels humiliated?

He'’s a stubborn, unforgiving man.

And if it'’s any consolation, that makes him a lonely man.

I so wish I could change him, but I can'’t.

I'’ve put up with him for a lot longer than you have,

and I still love him.

Despite all of the ways that he tries to defeat me even in that.

Bye, Mom.

And I really care for Brandi.

Despite the décolletage.

I really gotta go, Mom.

And I wish that things were different for the two of you.

Safe trip.

Good luck, dear.

Oh, Anne, thank you so much. I love all my presents.

You were so nice to me, and you didn'’t have to be.

That was so nice.

Aw, Stef, you'’re really great.

Thank you. Be safe.

[Brandi] Thank you so much.

You guys, thank you for letting me spend Christmas with you!

I had a blast. Merry Christmas!

-[Brandi] Bye, Jerry! -Bye!

Happy New Year! See you soon. Bye!

-[Stefanie] Drive safely. -[Ashley] Bye, Uncle Jake!

Happy New Year!

Bye, sweetheart! Oh!

-Bye! -Bye!

[bell dinging]

Do you think people can really change?

If they really want to.

Have you ever met anyone who did?

Can'’t say that I have.

Then you don'’t really know then, do you?

No.

That'’s too bad.

You sounded so sure of yourself, I almost had hope.

We'’re headed back to the city now.

I don'’t know.

Yeah, I'’d like to see you too, Ma.

You know what?

I'’ll call you when I know my schedule better, okay?

Yeah, we will.

Ma.

I just wanted to tell you that I know, um...

I just wanted to say sorry that I...

I know you tried, Ma.

Yeah.

Bye.

-Something wrong? -Can we please just go?

Ah, here we go.

So, what are we gonna do now?

Go to bed. Get a good night'’s sleep.

What time do I have to appear?

[Jake] 9:00 a.m.

So, where are you gonna sleep tonight?

Room 206. Just down the hall there.

Mmm.

Well, I'’m used to you lying on the floor next to me

in case I need you.

Well, I could, uh, use a real bed tonight.

But if you need me, you just call.

And, uh...

Yeah. Here you go.

Thanks for bringing me home for Christmas.

-[chuckles] -Letting me meet your family,

no matter how dysfunctional they are.

Oh.

Oh, and you'’re gonna need a key there.

Okay, um, night.

[knock on door]

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

But how did you find me?

Once Stan recognized you, he called us.

I had you followed.

You forget I went to Princeton.

Go ahead, open another present.

[gasps]

[Scott] It'’s real mink.

It'’s extremely expensive.

You can still change your mind, you know.

-About what? -[Scott] Testifying.

You don'’t really want to hurt me like that, do you?

But they said I could be arrested if I don'’t testify.

[Scott] They'’re bluffing. They got nothing on you.

They'’re using you to get to me.

You know how many years the FBI'’s been dogging me?

If you refuse to testify,

I'’ll be out of this mess in a heartbeat,

and then you and I can go somewhere and celebrate.

Scotty, why'’d you do it?

-What? -[Brandi] Cook the books.

Lie to investors.

[sighs] I'’m in business, Brandi.

But what you did was wrong.

It'’s a fine line between what is right and wrong in this country.

The money we took was ours.

We didn'’t force anyone to invest in our company.

They did it on their own.

They took a chance, and it didn'’t pan out.

I'’m sorry we went bankrupt, but they should'’ve known better

than to put all their savings into one place.

What about all the people that worked for you?

Their families? That was their retirement.

They'’re left with nothing.

It'’s a real shame.

At least we'’re all right. We got out in time.

[chuckles]

Yeah, I am sorry for them.

I regret what happened, but at the end of the day,

I had to protect my family.

Family means everything.

You won'’t ruin my family, will you?

No.

Good.

I knew I could count on you.

When will I see you again?

Tomorrow.

After the hearing.

Mwah!

You'’re a great gal. Don'’t change.

[knock on door]

Oh, it'’s you.

Who did you think it was?

Well, uh, you know, I don'’t know, you know.

Can I come in?

Well, okay.

[Jake] Where'’d you get those?

Well, Scotty was here. He had us followed.

[Jake] I cannot believe this.

He has a lot of connections, Jake.

How did I miss this?

Well, maybe you were distracted.

Listen to me, Brandi.

You know what he'’s doing, don'’t you? Right? You do know?

-Sure, he told me. -He did?

-Mm-hmm. -Really?

-Really. -And what did he tell you?

He said he was just trying to protect his family.

-That'’s what he told you? -Yes.

-And you believe that? -Yes, I do.

It sounds like a line to me, Brandi.

Well, in my opinion, Jake,

it sounds like the first honest thing the guy'’s ever said to me.

Really? What are you gonna do now?

I don'’t know. God, I have to think about it!

Look, I know that what you saw at my parents'’ house

was a lot of dirty laundry.

-Oh, no... -You saw the worst side of us.

I let my guard down, and I never should'’ve been

anything other than an agent around you.

What you saw...

I failed my job.

Oh, God, no.

No, you didn'’t.

You did your job, Jake.

You kept a cocktail waitress amused for the weekend

so she wouldn'’t think about the hearing,

and that'’s what you did.

But now we'’re back, and I have to think about me

and what the right thing to do really is.

You remember when we talked about

whether people could really change?

Well, I believe they can change. They can'’t do it by themselves.

They need... They need help.

And you, you changed me.

Yeah.

I feel like I let go of something heavy

I'’ve been carrying around for so many years,

I guess I'’d just gotten used to being weighed down by it.

Does that make any sense at all to you?

Because I feel...free.

What do you want from me, Jake?

I want you to tell me if you'’re still in love with Scott Shift.

Jake, you don'’t stop loving somebody

because you find out they did some bad things.

Everybody does bad things, even if they don'’t mean to.

And if I send Scotty to jail, what does that say about me?

And what if he really does love me,

and then I lose everything?

No. Listen to me. You do not need Scott Shift.

Everything you have, everything you are,

it is you, not him.

You thought you were lucky to have him.

Let me tell you something. He-- he is the lucky one.

He'’s...

Do not settle for what little he can give you.

Don'’t do it.

Sometimes you just have to grow up and realize

there are some things in this life you can'’t get.

Scotty'’s what I can get. He'’s enough for me.

You deserve so much more.

Please leave, Jake.

Please.

[crying]

[Vince] Va-va-va-voom.

I'’m sorry I was late.

I couldn'’t decide what shoes to wear.

You didn'’t have to get dressed up.

You said it was a formal hearing.

No, no. It'’s okay.

It'’s fine. You ready?

I guess so.

Jake? Are we too late?

Mom, Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, that'’s your mother's idea.

We are here to witness the fruits of your labor.

And we are here to show Brandi some support.

And we can'’t believe that you have nailed

the biggest tax cheats in American history.

I'’m proud of you for not becoming

a calcified old fart like me.

And can you forgive an old man for being a total jerk?

Ah, Dad, sure.

You gonna make it there? [chuckles]

Now I have to say the same kind of thing to your sister.

Something about being able to juggle motherhood and a career.

I'’ll let you know if I recover.

[bailiff] Court is now in session.

Come on, Joe. We don'’t want to miss anything.

Yeah, it'’s here. This way.

[Stan] Objection, Your Honor! How is this relevant?

No, I will allow it. Continue, Mr. Munroe.

[Munroe] Thank you, Your Honor.

Ms. O'’Neil, how intimately do you know Scott Shift?

About as intimate as you can get.

[judge] Order in the court. Order!

Ms. O'’Neil, were you ever in his apartment long enough

to overhear conversations he had with his family?

You could say that.

Ms. O'’Neil,

we need you to answer our questions

honestly and forthrightly.

We'’re not playing here.

Now, do you intend to testify today or not?

[gallery murmuring]

Shall I repeat the question, Ms. O'’Neil?

No, I heard you.

Yes, I intend to testify here today.

-[gallery murmuring] -[gavel banging]

Please continue, Mr. Munroe.

Did you ever overhear conversations

Scott Shift had with his family?

I overheard many conversations he had with his family.

All they ever talked about was how much money they could move

from one account to another without getting caught.

They wanted to build a private golf course

at their house and didn'’t have the funds.

They said their accountants could divert some money.

Every waking moment, they were scheming

and plotting scummy ways to spend other people'’s money.

[judge] Any further questions for Ms. O'’Neil, Mr. Munroe?

[Vince] Wow. That was something, huh?

You were incredible.

Did you see the look on their faces?

Oh, man. Crazy.

Hey, congratulations.

You brought down the entire Shift family.

-Aw, thanks, Vincey. -You'’re welcome.

We'’ll see you around the bar again?

Sure. You'’ll see me around.

Great.

[Anne] Brandi?

[Brandi] Oh, Anne. Thank you.

Thank you.

You'’re very brave, Brandi.

-Aw, Joe, get over here. -[Anne laughs]

-Thank you. -All right.

-How do you feel? -I'’m so glad it's over.

Yeah?

You... You are amazing.

I am so proud of you.

[Brandi] You are?

[Jake] Yeah.

What you did in there was extraordinary.

May I take you to dinner?

-No. -No?

-No. -No?

But I was wondering if you could take me home.

[both laugh]

I-I'’m sorry. Home?

To the South Side. I want you to meet my family.

I would be honored, Ms. O'’Neil.

-Merry Christmas, Ma. -Thank God.

-This is my boyfriend, Jake. -Oh!

Nice to meet you, Jake.

Ooh, it'’s freezing out here. Come on in.

[Brandi] Look at all the decorations!