Original subtitles

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Isn't it rather odd that your mistress

hasn't put in an appearance at her own party?

Yes, madame. I'm sorry, madame.

Where is she?

- Where is that wife of mine? - Now, take it easy, Rumsford.

- A drink, sir? - Any word from Mrs Rumsford?

Not a word, sir. I'm terribly upset.

You're upset? What about me? She invites all these people

to her birthday party, and then runs out on them.

She always does that, sir.

She'll probably be back in a day or two.

Day or two?

Snap out of it, Rumsford. You must make allowances for her youth.

Sherry'll turn up.

If I didn't love that woman so much, I'd swear I'd...

Oh, darling, hello! I'll be right over.

Oh, Williams.

Ready, madam.

Listen, York, you're a doctor, and you're my best friend.

Isn't there anything you can do for her?

I'm afraid she's a bit out of my line.

The men you want are Doctors Ziller, Zeller, and Zoller.

Do you think they can help her?

Well, they're the finest psychiatrists in the business.

They're terribly expensive, and their methods are very peculiar,

but they do get results.

I'll have Williams call them.

I'll have Williams call them, immediately.

I've got to see a patient, Rummy.

- I'll try and get back later. Good luck! - Thanks.

Oh, Williams. I want you to telephone Doctors Ziller, Zeller, and Zoller.

Oh, this switchboard!

Oh, it's dead!

Thank goodness you're through. I've been almost crazy.

Yes, ma'am. I'll have my stuff out right after lunch.

Looks like there's nobody here.

- It's the place, all right. - Maybe I...

You puddin'-head! Why don't you look what you're doin'?

I couldn't help it. I was lookin' around to see if there's anybody in the office,

and when I turned I...

- Look what you did. - What?

Oh!

- Why don't you be careful? - Oh!

Drop that ladder before you hurt somebody.

Ow! Ooh!

Remind me to tear out your Adam's apple.

I'll make a note of it.

Gimme that.

What's the matter with you?

Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.

Ow!

- You'll break my pencil! - I'll break your head.

Ooh!

Say, what war is this?

Never mind the wisecracks, toots.

We're trouble shooters from the phone company. What's wrong here?

Painter's ruined my switchboard.

- Come on. - If you can bring it to life,

and a call comes in for the doctors,

say they're out of town. I'm going to lunch.

Okay.

Hey, bring me back a piece of burnt toast and a rotten egg.

Burnt toast and a rotten egg?

Yeah, I got a tapeworm, and that's good enough for him.

- Go on, get busy. - Hmm!

Oh!

- How's she comin'? - Not so good.

Say "ah".

Whaddaya got here?

Hey, gimme that, gimme that.

Ow! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Now go on, get busy like I told ya.

Go on!

Pull this line through, and hook it on number six.

Oh!

Oh, Larry, help me! I'm surrounded!

Get up.

Get a hold of that.

Hello?

Yes, I know it's out of order.

I've been trying for half an hour to get it.

What's the matter with you, puddin'-head?

You've been actin' slug nutty all day.

It's Gertie, she's gonna have...

That's wonderful. When do you expect it?

Any minute. That's why I'm so upset.

No foolin'. Why didn't ya tell us?

But, you see, I...

I know, you're broke.

Flat as a floogie.

That's bad.

We gotta figure out a way to get some money, and get it quick.

- Oh, thanks, Moe. - You're welcome.

Okay, I can...

Come on!

Come on, get to work!

Now, Operator, you must get that number. Now, try again, please.

Nah!

- Hello, Operator? - Is this Susquehanna 2222?

Two, two, two, two?

Whaddaya think you're doin', playin' trains?

Oh, I love to play trains!

Chuff-chuff-chuff-chuff-chuff. Whoo, whoo!

Ssssssssssh!

Why don't you get a toupée with some brains in it?

Ah!

Ooh! Why, ya...

I want to speak to Dr Ziller, Zeller, or Zoller.

This is an important case.

We'll play any price if they'll come over immediately.

Money is no object.

We'll be there in a flash in the flesh.

We need money, and I got a way to get it.

What are we supposed to do?

You're Ziller, you're Zeller, and I'm Dr Zoller.

- Oh, glad to meet ya, Doctor. - How are ya, son?

Now, listen, Doc, I'm troubled with TS.

- Whaddaya mean, TS? - Two stomachs.

Stick out your tongue.

There's an impatient patient waiting.

Come on!

Listen, darling! Wait!

Sherry, you can't run out on your guests like this again.

But, darling, I'm bored.

I'm only going for a short ride in a submarine.

I'll be back in a day or two. Tell them all to wait.

But Sher...

Gentlemen, I'm Mr Rumsford. Are you looking for someone?

- I'm Ziller. - I'm Zeller.

I'm Zoller.

Stick out your tongue.

- Say "ah" with your mouth closed. - Ah...

♪ Ah... ♪

Rats!

- This is serious. - You're wrong, gentlemen.

It's strictly a case of latkes and pippik.

Oh, this is priceless!

I'm not the patient. It's Mrs Rumsford.

Oh, how do you do, madam?

Now, see here, Sherry...

Oh, darling, you take the submarine ride.

I wouldn't leave these men on a bet.

Come, gentlemen. The last one in is a Republican!

Sherry!

Sherry!

Oh, isn't this fun?

- Oh, Countess, I'm so sorry. - Well, really!

Oh, Uncle John!

Oh!

I'll get you a drink.

Gentlemen, what will I do with her?

Now, let me tell you a little bit about Sherry.

Oh, don't bother, I'll take Scotch.

- Make mine rye. - I'll take gin smothered in Bourbon.

Boys!

Gentlemen, do have some rum punch.

Rum punch? Why, certainly!

I knew this thing would come in handy.

- Will you join me? - Certainly.

- Skål! - Skål!

This is weak.

Yeah. The rum went through this punch on stilts.

This Scotch oughta help.

This seems to make it fizzy.

Bourbon and rum oughta help some.

- Hors d'oeuvres? - No, hay fever.

Oh, witty!

Hey, here's some new kinda liquor.

"Wor-cester-shire."

This says "Tabasco".

I ain't never drunk any, but we'll put it in.

- Whaddaya got to lose? - Hmm!

Champagney!

You shouldn't handle dangerous weapons. Gimme that.

- I will not. - Let me have it!

Oh!

Look!

It's boiling.

It must be done.

A marvellous accomplishment.

- A prodigious achievement. - You said it. It's putrid.

Gentlemen, will you be good enough to look my wife over now?

- A pleasure. - This way.

- The doctors are going to look you over, dear. - Oh, goody!

Now, we shall test your reflex first.

Okay, Doctor.

Oh.

This is the way a normal reflex should act.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, you don't have to apologise.

You can't help if you're crazy.

Come here, guinea pig.

Now then, holding the palm at a forty-five degree angle...

Must be off a couple of degrees.

Trouble is, you got no life.

Oh!

I'm mayhemed.

- Pardon me! - I'm sorry.

But... oh! Hmm.

Oh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh!

Come in! I got...

Oh! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.

- Dinner is served. - Eat!

Aren't they marvellous?

I just love creampuffs.

Oh, I hope you gentlemen will like my Spanish dinner.

I'm just crazy about Spanish food,

especially corn beef and cabbage.

Isn't he funny?

What's all the fuss?

I believe I dropped my serviette.

Well, just keep seated, nobody'll notice it.

Okay, have half of mine.

Thank you.

Oh!

Ow!

Really!

- Biscuit, madame? - No, thank you.

Sir!

Quiet!

- Biscuit, sir? - Oh, certainly.

Biscuit, sir?

Hey, where's your Emily Post?

This is my favorite dish, biscuits.

Biscuits all the time!

Nnn!

Nnnnn!

Oh, you funny, funny men!

Yes, isn't he a scream?

Oh! I just love tamales in the spring.

What a funny thing!

You don't know whether it's comin' or goin'.

Hmm!

Speak to me, so I'll know which is the head or the tail.

Quiet now, quiet.

This thing can't lick me.

Hmm, stubborn, huh?

Oh!

Get tough with me?

Gaaah!

A bomb, an infernal machine.

Hmm!

Hmmmm!

Hmmm!

- Why, you... - I'm sorry.

Don't throw it. Don't throw it!

Why, you...

Moe, don't!

I ducked. I...

No, no, no, no...

This is outrageous.

I demand that something be done.

This is all your fault, you.

Cut it out, Moe.

Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!

- You missed me! - The king shall hear of this!

Yeah, that'll teach you!

Folks, this must stop!

Oh!

I surrender.

Doctor York just...

Gentlemen, I think you'd better leave now

while my wife's still enjoying herself, and before she changes her mind.

Believe me, I'm grateful.

Will... Will about fifteen hundred do?

Oh, that's just right. Thanks.

Oh, my birthday cake!

Oh, darling, in all my life I've never had so much fun.

Me, too!

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