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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,369 --> 00:00:06,170 [Man chattering on t.V.] 2 00:00:06,238 --> 00:00:08,439 Whoa, wait a minute. Leave that. 3 00:00:08,507 --> 00:00:09,574 What is it? 4 00:00:09,642 --> 00:00:11,442 I don't know, but Jimmy smits is in it. 5 00:00:11,510 --> 00:00:13,678 That's all I need to know. 6 00:00:13,746 --> 00:00:15,914 Ah, so you like your Jimmy, do you? 7 00:00:15,982 --> 00:00:18,116 Honey, I love you more than anyone in the world, 8 00:00:18,183 --> 00:00:19,684 but if I actually had a shot at him, 9 00:00:19,752 --> 00:00:22,654 I'd have to shove you in front of a bus. 10 00:00:22,722 --> 00:00:24,889 Ok, fair enough. So, uh, do I get one? 11 00:00:24,957 --> 00:00:26,057 One what? 12 00:00:26,125 --> 00:00:27,525 A fantasy person. 13 00:00:27,593 --> 00:00:29,393 You know, it's like, we each get to pick 14 00:00:29,461 --> 00:00:30,762 that one person on the planet 15 00:00:30,830 --> 00:00:33,064 that if by some crazy fluke 16 00:00:33,132 --> 00:00:35,033 we actually got a chance to be with them, 17 00:00:35,101 --> 00:00:37,936 the other just has to grin and let it happen. 18 00:00:38,904 --> 00:00:40,939 All right. I like it. 19 00:00:41,007 --> 00:00:42,040 So you're going with Jimmy? 20 00:00:42,108 --> 00:00:43,942 Gimme a second, will you? 21 00:00:45,477 --> 00:00:48,546 It's a big planet. I don't wanna blow it. 22 00:00:48,614 --> 00:00:50,782 Ok, do the Baldwin brothers count as one? 23 00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:52,017 No. 24 00:00:52,084 --> 00:00:53,018 Ok. 25 00:00:53,853 --> 00:00:56,154 Uh, Mel Gibson. 26 00:00:56,221 --> 00:00:57,588 You're sure? 27 00:00:57,657 --> 00:01:00,091 Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. You can't go wrong with Mel. 28 00:01:00,159 --> 00:01:01,459 Ok. 29 00:01:01,527 --> 00:01:03,261 All right, who's yours? 30 00:01:03,328 --> 00:01:06,330 Um, Julia Roberts... 31 00:01:06,398 --> 00:01:08,332 Nah. 32 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,935 I think I'm just gonna go with that girl that does your nails. Goodnight. 33 00:01:28,387 --> 00:01:30,321 All right, are you comfortable? Ready to go? 34 00:01:30,389 --> 00:01:31,656 I'm ready. 35 00:01:31,724 --> 00:01:35,026 Ok. Got the movie, got a box of dots, 36 00:01:35,094 --> 00:01:38,596 a box of milk duds, and a backup box of dots. 37 00:01:40,132 --> 00:01:43,201 Doug, when you plan a Saturday night, look out! 38 00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:45,003 Dot me, baby. 39 00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:46,137 Ok, there you are. 40 00:01:47,973 --> 00:01:51,209 Oh, I didn't know we were gonna watch a motion picture. 41 00:01:51,276 --> 00:01:52,643 Hi, dad. 42 00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:55,847 You should warn a fella when it's movie night. 43 00:01:55,915 --> 00:01:58,850 Actually, we, uh, we assumed that you had other plans. 44 00:01:58,918 --> 00:01:59,918 Well, you're in luck. 45 00:01:59,985 --> 00:02:02,687 Tonight, my dance card is wide open. 46 00:02:04,456 --> 00:02:05,724 All right. 47 00:02:05,791 --> 00:02:08,259 So what have we here: Shoot-'em-up, Sci-Fi, 48 00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:10,895 erotic thriller? 49 00:02:15,367 --> 00:02:16,701 It's a mystery, I think. 50 00:02:16,769 --> 00:02:18,803 Oh, nothing like a good whodunit. 51 00:02:18,871 --> 00:02:21,305 Shh. Ok, here we go. Come on. 52 00:02:21,373 --> 00:02:23,007 "F.B.I. Warning, 53 00:02:23,075 --> 00:02:27,212 federal law provides severe civil and criminal..." 54 00:02:27,279 --> 00:02:28,847 Fast forwarding. 55 00:02:28,914 --> 00:02:32,250 Here we go. All right, here we go. 56 00:02:32,317 --> 00:02:36,187 [T "Pentagon, October 1962. 57 00:02:36,255 --> 00:02:39,057 On the Eve of the Cuban missile crisis--" 58 00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:40,291 Arthur, 59 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,293 we can read. 60 00:02:43,062 --> 00:02:44,729 A thousand pardons. 61 00:02:49,434 --> 00:02:52,270 Why is that guy shaving his beard? 62 00:02:52,337 --> 00:02:54,405 Did I get here before you? 63 00:02:54,473 --> 00:02:57,208 I'm just trying to follow the story, Douglas. 64 00:02:57,276 --> 00:02:59,510 That's fine. Follow it without talking. Could you do that. 65 00:02:59,578 --> 00:03:01,479 Shh. Not me, him. Shh! 66 00:03:01,546 --> 00:03:03,114 [Both shushing] 67 00:03:03,182 --> 00:03:04,315 Hey! 68 00:03:13,893 --> 00:03:16,627 [Whispering] What did he put into that bag? 69 00:03:18,397 --> 00:03:20,265 Arthur, every time you ask me a question, 70 00:03:20,332 --> 00:03:21,365 I can't watch the movie. 71 00:03:21,433 --> 00:03:22,834 Then I don't know what's going on! 72 00:03:22,902 --> 00:03:25,270 Then you should get a simpler movie! 73 00:03:25,337 --> 00:03:27,172 Oh, I'm gettin' a beer. 74 00:03:27,239 --> 00:03:28,273 Crack one for me, will you? 75 00:03:28,340 --> 00:03:29,174 Yeah. 76 00:03:31,210 --> 00:03:32,543 [Door opens] 77 00:03:34,046 --> 00:03:35,513 Aw, look at you. 78 00:03:35,580 --> 00:03:37,849 Babe, you're missing the movie. 79 00:03:37,917 --> 00:03:40,885 God, the universe is so big. 80 00:03:40,953 --> 00:03:43,321 Why did he have to end up here? 81 00:03:43,388 --> 00:03:45,123 Why couldn't he be... 82 00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:47,892 Like, there? 83 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,560 Ok, you know what? 84 00:03:49,628 --> 00:03:50,962 Tonight, when he's sleeping, 85 00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:54,065 I'm gonna hold a pillow over his face. 86 00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:56,301 What, nothing for that? 87 00:03:56,368 --> 00:03:58,703 I just wish we had the house to ourselves, one time. 88 00:03:58,770 --> 00:04:00,604 Believe me, I would love that, too. 89 00:04:00,672 --> 00:04:01,672 Yeah. 90 00:04:01,740 --> 00:04:03,908 Know when we first bought the place? 91 00:04:03,976 --> 00:04:08,012 Every weekend we'd just bunker in, get take-out, and walk around naked. 92 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,214 Yeah. 93 00:04:09,281 --> 00:04:11,850 And you'd tell me to put some clothes on. 94 00:04:12,551 --> 00:04:13,651 Yeah. 95 00:04:13,719 --> 00:04:15,019 Well, that party's over. 96 00:04:15,087 --> 00:04:17,121 Honey, I'm sorry he's gotta be here. 97 00:04:17,189 --> 00:04:19,090 He's not a bad guy. It's just... 98 00:04:19,158 --> 00:04:21,226 I wish we could, you know, get rid of him. 99 00:04:22,294 --> 00:04:24,062 For a weekend. 100 00:04:24,129 --> 00:04:25,763 Well, you know what? Maybe we can. 101 00:04:25,831 --> 00:04:27,431 What do you mean? 102 00:04:27,499 --> 00:04:29,467 Well, maybe we can ask somebody to take him for a couple of days, 103 00:04:29,534 --> 00:04:31,102 you know, as a favor. 104 00:04:31,170 --> 00:04:32,871 You ever save anybody's life? 105 00:04:32,938 --> 00:04:35,573 No. Damn it, I had so many chances, too. 106 00:04:36,575 --> 00:04:37,641 Ok, you know what? 107 00:04:37,709 --> 00:04:39,443 Tomorrow we'll just start asking people. 108 00:04:39,511 --> 00:04:40,912 I mean, there's gotta be somebody. 109 00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:42,513 Absolutely. You know what we'll do? 110 00:04:42,581 --> 00:04:45,083 We'll get everyone we know drunk and just see where he sticks. 111 00:04:45,150 --> 00:04:46,217 It's a plan. 112 00:04:46,285 --> 00:04:49,053 Next weekend, it's just you and me, bub. 113 00:04:49,121 --> 00:04:51,455 (Arthur) Why did he put the bag in the locker? 114 00:04:51,523 --> 00:04:53,324 I'm not even in there! 115 00:04:58,097 --> 00:04:59,163 Hey, man, so, you ok? 116 00:04:59,231 --> 00:05:00,564 You, uh, need another beer? 117 00:05:00,632 --> 00:05:02,533 Moose, it's 4:00 in the afternoon. 118 00:05:02,601 --> 00:05:05,270 What are you trying to do, get me drunk? 119 00:05:05,337 --> 00:05:07,505 Whoa, look at this. We caught a break, Arthur's here. 120 00:05:07,572 --> 00:05:09,507 Capt. Artie, is it ok if we hang with you? 121 00:05:09,574 --> 00:05:11,276 I don't give a crap. 122 00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:14,578 So, you wanna hang? 123 00:05:15,214 --> 00:05:17,515 Whatever. 124 00:05:17,582 --> 00:05:20,251 I don't know why this guy insists on buying a "u." 125 00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:23,254 Some people have their brains in their asses. 126 00:05:23,322 --> 00:05:24,422 [Laughing] 127 00:05:24,489 --> 00:05:25,790 Brains in the ass. 128 00:05:25,857 --> 00:05:27,858 That's not even possible. 129 00:05:27,927 --> 00:05:30,628 Where does he come up with this stuff? 130 00:05:30,695 --> 00:05:33,264 Cup holder! It's cup holder. 131 00:05:33,332 --> 00:05:35,466 Oh, this guy ought to be shot. 132 00:05:37,369 --> 00:05:39,703 Shot. Oh, man, once he gets going, 133 00:05:39,771 --> 00:05:42,941 you just, you know what you do? You pull up a chair and enjoy the show. 134 00:05:43,008 --> 00:05:45,209 I thought you said he always drives you nuts. 135 00:05:45,277 --> 00:05:48,579 Well, sure, I did, but that was until I spent the weekend with him. 136 00:05:48,647 --> 00:05:51,015 Then, you know, I got it. You know. 137 00:05:52,384 --> 00:05:54,885 Oh, I just--I just got a crazy idea. 138 00:05:54,954 --> 00:05:56,520 What? 139 00:05:56,588 --> 00:05:58,689 You should--you should take him for, like, a weekend, you know. 140 00:05:58,757 --> 00:06:01,592 Keep him at your place. I'm cool with it. Hey, you need another beer? 141 00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:02,760 Sorry, moose. 142 00:06:02,828 --> 00:06:04,462 I ain't taking the old man off your hands. 143 00:06:04,529 --> 00:06:06,630 Oh, come on, rich. Just for one weekend. 144 00:06:06,698 --> 00:06:08,766 Forget it! I'm gonna head down to the firehouse. 145 00:06:08,834 --> 00:06:10,668 Hopefully, there's a fire somewhere. 146 00:06:10,735 --> 00:06:12,270 Hey, he likes fires, huh? 147 00:06:12,338 --> 00:06:15,106 He starts 'em, you put 'em out. There's a weekend right there. 148 00:06:19,278 --> 00:06:20,578 Dad, you want any dessert? 149 00:06:20,645 --> 00:06:21,946 No, thanks. 150 00:06:22,014 --> 00:06:23,914 I'm stuffed to the gills with lasagna. 151 00:06:23,983 --> 00:06:26,917 Now it's time to go upstairs and pay the band. 152 00:06:33,225 --> 00:06:34,625 So, did you find anybody yet? 153 00:06:34,693 --> 00:06:36,060 No. How about you? 154 00:06:36,128 --> 00:06:37,661 No. 155 00:06:37,729 --> 00:06:39,763 I made the mistake of asking my aunt Patti first, 156 00:06:39,831 --> 00:06:41,332 and she must have tipped people off 157 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,335 because I can't get a phone call returned. 158 00:06:44,403 --> 00:06:46,104 Can't we just drive him out to the country 159 00:06:46,171 --> 00:06:47,805 and let him go? 160 00:06:51,877 --> 00:06:53,944 Nah, he'll find his way back. 161 00:06:54,846 --> 00:06:56,014 I guess. 162 00:06:56,081 --> 00:06:58,182 Well, everybody said no, huh? 163 00:06:58,250 --> 00:06:59,517 Even your cousin Danny? 164 00:06:59,584 --> 00:07:00,818 Oh, I didn't ask him. 165 00:07:00,886 --> 00:07:03,254 What? Why not? He idolizes you. 166 00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:04,455 He'd do anything for you. 167 00:07:04,523 --> 00:07:05,923 I know. That's the exact problem. 168 00:07:05,991 --> 00:07:07,992 My whole life he's been trying to be my best friend. 169 00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:10,561 He's like those little fish that glom onto the bigger fish. 170 00:07:10,629 --> 00:07:11,762 What do you call those? 171 00:07:11,830 --> 00:07:12,997 Uh, plankton? No. 172 00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:14,432 Barnacles? 173 00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:15,566 No. What else you got? 174 00:07:15,634 --> 00:07:16,934 Just call him! 175 00:07:17,002 --> 00:07:18,736 No, I don't wanna call him. All right! 176 00:07:18,803 --> 00:07:21,705 I've worked very hard at keeping my distance. I wanna keep it that way. 177 00:07:21,773 --> 00:07:23,941 All right, don't get your panties in a bunch. 178 00:07:25,144 --> 00:07:26,577 Douglas, I forget. 179 00:07:26,645 --> 00:07:29,447 Is your toothbrush the green one or the blue one? 180 00:07:30,849 --> 00:07:31,849 Blue. 181 00:07:31,917 --> 00:07:33,217 Oh, my God. 182 00:07:38,057 --> 00:07:40,091 All right. All right. All right. 183 00:07:43,962 --> 00:07:45,296 Dad. 184 00:07:45,364 --> 00:07:46,997 Dad. Dad. 185 00:07:47,066 --> 00:07:47,998 Huh! 186 00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:49,434 Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. 187 00:07:49,501 --> 00:07:52,170 Oh, you're lucky I didn't throw a kick. 188 00:07:52,237 --> 00:07:53,637 What are you listening to? 189 00:07:53,705 --> 00:07:55,506 Oh, it's my self-help tape. 190 00:07:55,574 --> 00:07:57,841 Do you realize I'm the one who gets in my own way? 191 00:07:57,909 --> 00:07:59,643 Yes, I do. 192 00:07:59,711 --> 00:08:03,614 Uh, dad, Doug and I are having, uh, sort of a problem. 193 00:08:03,682 --> 00:08:05,183 Um, yeah, uh... 194 00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:06,684 You know my cousin Danny 195 00:08:06,751 --> 00:08:08,086 w-who owns the pizza place? 196 00:08:08,153 --> 00:08:10,421 No, but press on. 197 00:08:10,489 --> 00:08:13,857 Well, anyway, he's--he's got a guy out sick this weekend. 198 00:08:13,925 --> 00:08:17,161 Do you happen to know anyone who could possibly fill in? 199 00:08:17,229 --> 00:08:19,097 Hmm, let me see. 200 00:08:19,164 --> 00:08:22,266 Oh, I knew a fellow in the army who would be perfect for this. 201 00:08:22,334 --> 00:08:25,803 The only thing is his legs were blown off by a Nazi mortar. 202 00:08:26,538 --> 00:08:27,972 And he's dead. 203 00:08:29,674 --> 00:08:30,774 Sorry. 204 00:08:33,078 --> 00:08:34,278 Nice going. 205 00:08:34,346 --> 00:08:35,580 I was trying to be subtle. 206 00:08:35,647 --> 00:08:37,648 Doug, he didn't even know what you were talking about. 207 00:08:37,716 --> 00:08:39,550 Oh, he knew. He knew. You knew. You knew. 208 00:08:39,618 --> 00:08:42,553 All right. Stop it. All right. Stop it. Let me handle this. 209 00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:44,522 [Yelps] 210 00:08:44,590 --> 00:08:46,524 Still us, dad. 211 00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:48,526 So, you find anyone yet? 212 00:08:49,794 --> 00:08:51,962 Uh, no. 213 00:08:52,030 --> 00:08:55,266 But, you know, actually, Doug and I had this crazy idea. 214 00:08:55,334 --> 00:08:58,102 Uh, why don't you, uh, help Danny at the pizza place? 215 00:08:58,170 --> 00:09:00,871 Me? I'm flattered. 216 00:09:00,939 --> 00:09:04,041 So, I guess I gotta wear some sort of leotard? 217 00:09:06,945 --> 00:09:08,912 Did you hear "pizza place"? 218 00:09:12,751 --> 00:09:15,186 Listen, Danny, thanks again for, uh, helping out with Arthur. 219 00:09:15,254 --> 00:09:17,821 Oh, come on. This is great. I mean, just to see you again. 220 00:09:17,889 --> 00:09:21,225 You know, gotta tell this guy to call me back once in a while. 221 00:09:21,293 --> 00:09:24,328 I know, I'm bad. I don't call back. I'm not a phone guy. 222 00:09:24,396 --> 00:09:26,930 Aw, I'm just kidding around with you. Giving you a hard time. 223 00:09:26,998 --> 00:09:29,500 Listen, listen, we're--we're throwing together a dart league, 224 00:09:29,568 --> 00:09:32,770 and, uh, we got some room. Can I sign you up? 225 00:09:32,837 --> 00:09:33,904 [Cutlery clinking] 226 00:09:33,972 --> 00:09:35,973 You know, I think I'm already in one. 227 00:09:36,041 --> 00:09:37,107 [Phone ringing] 228 00:09:37,176 --> 00:09:38,909 Oh, uh, just-- just a second. 229 00:09:38,977 --> 00:09:41,345 [With heavy Italian accent] Yello, angelo's. How ya do, huh? 230 00:09:41,413 --> 00:09:43,514 Ok, a large pie, 231 00:09:43,582 --> 00:09:47,185 right half pepperoni. Ok. 232 00:09:47,252 --> 00:09:49,987 Hey, giuseppe! Hey, when you gonna bocce ball? 233 00:09:51,856 --> 00:09:53,324 Ok, 15 minutes. 234 00:09:55,494 --> 00:09:58,663 Listen, you can never be in too many dart leagues. 235 00:09:58,730 --> 00:09:59,997 Right. 236 00:10:00,065 --> 00:10:01,465 We should get going, what do you say? 237 00:10:01,533 --> 00:10:02,900 Wait, wait. Before you do, here, 238 00:10:02,967 --> 00:10:06,671 why don't you, uh, take home a couple of pies, huh? 239 00:10:06,738 --> 00:10:07,771 Uh, you don't have to. 240 00:10:07,839 --> 00:10:10,408 I know, I don't have to. I want to. 241 00:10:10,475 --> 00:10:12,643 Let me give you some money. 242 00:10:12,711 --> 00:10:14,412 He wants to give me money. 243 00:10:14,479 --> 00:10:16,180 Would you get outta here with the money! 244 00:10:16,248 --> 00:10:19,483 Just take me to a mets game like you promised me 6 years ago, huh? 245 00:10:21,052 --> 00:10:22,687 Right. Ok. 246 00:10:22,754 --> 00:10:24,822 So, what are those, toppings? 247 00:10:25,790 --> 00:10:27,625 Uh, dad, we're leaving now. 248 00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:30,528 Now, I want you to listen to Danny and do what he says, ok? 249 00:10:30,596 --> 00:10:31,829 Gimme a kiss goodbye. 250 00:10:31,896 --> 00:10:33,231 Not at work. 251 00:10:34,566 --> 00:10:36,100 Ok, bye-bye. 252 00:10:38,803 --> 00:10:40,204 I wanna watch movies. 253 00:10:40,272 --> 00:10:42,707 I wanna-- I wanna take a bath. I wanna-- I wanna... 254 00:10:42,774 --> 00:10:43,941 Write it down. Write it down. 255 00:10:44,008 --> 00:10:45,409 Make a list. Make a list. 256 00:10:45,477 --> 00:10:48,212 Ok, I wanna, um... I wanna blast the stereo. 257 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,514 I wanna have sex in the kitchen. 258 00:10:50,582 --> 00:10:52,717 Oh, yeah, put me down for that, too. 259 00:10:54,052 --> 00:10:55,686 Oh, man, I--I--I wanna eat pizza. 260 00:10:55,754 --> 00:10:57,755 I wanna run around naked. I wanna, I wanna... 261 00:11:28,553 --> 00:11:29,754 Dougie. 262 00:11:30,955 --> 00:11:33,857 Well, I guess we're in the living room, 263 00:11:33,925 --> 00:11:37,528 so we can't fool around. 264 00:11:37,596 --> 00:11:40,063 Oh, wait a minute. Yes, we can. 265 00:11:42,033 --> 00:11:44,669 For the sweet love of God, you gotta get off me. 266 00:11:48,206 --> 00:11:50,240 Ok, now I feel sexy. 267 00:11:51,810 --> 00:11:53,611 I ate too much. 268 00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:57,315 Oh, my God, Doug, how many slices did you have? 269 00:11:57,382 --> 00:11:59,983 Put it this way, I shattered my old record. 270 00:12:01,553 --> 00:12:03,521 Your father wasn't here. I got excited. 271 00:12:03,588 --> 00:12:06,123 Doug, you can eat pizza when he's here. 272 00:12:06,191 --> 00:12:10,561 I know, it just tastes better when he's gone. I was in a zone. 273 00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:12,496 So what about us? I mean, the whole reason 274 00:12:12,564 --> 00:12:13,831 for getting rid of my father 275 00:12:13,898 --> 00:12:15,599 was so we could do stuff together. 276 00:12:15,667 --> 00:12:17,935 It's ok. It's ok. It's only Friday, you know? 277 00:12:18,002 --> 00:12:19,069 Just let me sleep this off, 278 00:12:19,137 --> 00:12:20,404 and tomorrow, I promise, 279 00:12:20,472 --> 00:12:22,873 we'll--we'll go crazy, all right. I swear. 280 00:12:36,988 --> 00:12:38,389 Oh, hey, baby, you're up. 281 00:12:38,457 --> 00:12:40,758 I was just gonna go out for a few hours. Do you mind? 282 00:12:40,826 --> 00:12:41,925 What? Where are you going? 283 00:12:41,993 --> 00:12:43,427 I wanna get my hair done. 284 00:12:43,495 --> 00:12:44,528 But this is a big day. 285 00:12:44,596 --> 00:12:46,330 Come on, I made us a great breakfast. 286 00:12:46,398 --> 00:12:48,031 Huh? There's food to be had, 287 00:12:48,099 --> 00:12:49,800 orgasms to be faked. 288 00:12:52,804 --> 00:12:55,038 Oh, honey, that is so sweet. 289 00:12:55,106 --> 00:12:58,242 And look, you made the whole pound of bacon. 290 00:12:58,309 --> 00:13:00,544 I had to. It expires in 3 weeks. 291 00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:03,146 Come on, stay. 292 00:13:03,214 --> 00:13:04,915 Honey, I already made the appointment. 293 00:13:04,983 --> 00:13:07,785 Come on, you know I always feel sexier after I get my hair done. 294 00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:09,152 Yeah, same here. 295 00:13:09,220 --> 00:13:11,255 All right. I'll grab a shower while you're gone. 296 00:13:11,322 --> 00:13:12,556 You know, clean myself up, 297 00:13:12,624 --> 00:13:13,891 bang out a couple of pushups. 298 00:13:13,958 --> 00:13:15,693 Hey, why don't you start with the shower 299 00:13:15,761 --> 00:13:17,395 and see how you feel, ok? 300 00:13:20,031 --> 00:13:22,600 Who's next? Who's next? Yes, sir. 301 00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:24,702 Give me a slice with, uh, mushrooms. 302 00:13:24,770 --> 00:13:28,005 All right. Oh, got you a beauty here. 303 00:13:28,072 --> 00:13:29,607 Throw a little red pepper on that, 304 00:13:29,674 --> 00:13:31,041 and it's gonna sing. 305 00:13:31,109 --> 00:13:32,543 That'll be $2. 306 00:13:37,916 --> 00:13:39,049 Ok, they're legit. 307 00:13:39,117 --> 00:13:41,051 Thank you for coming to angelo's. 308 00:13:43,722 --> 00:13:47,357 Uh, Arthur, you probably don't have to check the ones. 309 00:13:48,192 --> 00:13:49,760 I see I've upset you. 310 00:13:49,828 --> 00:13:53,196 Shall I consider this a formal reprimand? 311 00:13:53,264 --> 00:13:54,799 Oh, no. No, no. No, no. 312 00:13:54,866 --> 00:13:56,133 You're doing a great job, here. 313 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,602 Thank you. I must say your cousin was right. 314 00:13:58,670 --> 00:14:00,838 You are a terrific guy. 315 00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,172 He said that? 316 00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:03,841 Oh, yeah, in the car ride over here. 317 00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:05,776 He was going on and on. 318 00:14:05,844 --> 00:14:09,079 I started getting a little nauseous. I had to tune him out. 319 00:14:09,147 --> 00:14:11,482 Really? I--I-- I can't believe it. 320 00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:13,751 All my life, I--I thought he just didn't like me. 321 00:14:13,819 --> 00:14:16,019 Well, that's the way it is with Doug. 322 00:14:16,087 --> 00:14:18,489 He has a hard time showin' his love. 323 00:14:18,557 --> 00:14:20,691 I mean, sometimes he acts like... 324 00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:22,827 He doesn't want me around. 325 00:15:18,950 --> 00:15:19,950 Hey. 326 00:15:20,919 --> 00:15:22,185 [Door slams] 327 00:15:22,253 --> 00:15:23,854 Ok, it's showtime. 328 00:15:38,336 --> 00:15:40,070 I can't believe these people. 329 00:15:40,138 --> 00:15:41,338 They totally ruined my hair. 330 00:15:41,406 --> 00:15:43,273 I am so pissed! 331 00:15:44,142 --> 00:15:45,275 Hey. 332 00:15:46,811 --> 00:15:48,311 It's horrible, right? 333 00:15:48,379 --> 00:15:49,880 What's wrong with it? 334 00:15:49,948 --> 00:15:51,481 Ok, how about it's totally uneven, 335 00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:53,483 and he made this part way too light. 336 00:15:53,552 --> 00:15:54,585 [Sighs] 337 00:15:54,653 --> 00:15:56,186 Well, if it bothers you that much, 338 00:15:56,254 --> 00:15:57,655 put on a wig. 339 00:15:58,523 --> 00:15:59,857 A blond one. 340 00:16:01,526 --> 00:16:03,126 Would you stop it? 341 00:16:03,194 --> 00:16:04,394 I look horrible. 342 00:16:04,462 --> 00:16:06,129 No, you don't. Yes, I do. 343 00:16:06,197 --> 00:16:07,932 Look, I know what you need. 344 00:16:07,999 --> 00:16:11,301 You just need yourself a nice climb up mount dougmore. 345 00:16:13,071 --> 00:16:15,439 Doug, I am not even close to being in the mood. 346 00:16:15,506 --> 00:16:16,807 You can't see this? 347 00:16:16,875 --> 00:16:18,508 Carrie, I'm all set to go, here. 348 00:16:18,577 --> 00:16:20,143 Well, I'm sorry. What do you want me to do, 349 00:16:20,211 --> 00:16:23,213 just lie down and go through the motions? 350 00:16:23,281 --> 00:16:24,514 If you want to. 351 00:16:26,417 --> 00:16:27,618 All right, here's the deal. 352 00:16:27,686 --> 00:16:29,887 Why don't you take yourself a nice hot shower, 353 00:16:29,955 --> 00:16:32,522 and then after, you can redo your hair the way you like it, 354 00:16:32,591 --> 00:16:34,925 like, all sexy. Ok? 355 00:16:34,993 --> 00:16:36,026 Yeah, let me do that. 356 00:16:36,094 --> 00:16:37,127 All right, that's a girl. 357 00:16:37,195 --> 00:16:38,161 [Doorbell rings] 358 00:16:38,229 --> 00:16:39,496 Oh! All right, you go suds up. 359 00:16:39,564 --> 00:16:41,465 I'll get rid of whoever this is. 360 00:16:45,737 --> 00:16:46,737 You! 361 00:16:47,706 --> 00:16:48,739 Me? 362 00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:49,773 You! 363 00:16:51,710 --> 00:16:52,610 What? 364 00:16:52,677 --> 00:16:54,712 Arthur told me what you said. 365 00:16:54,779 --> 00:16:55,846 A-a-about? 366 00:16:55,914 --> 00:16:57,948 That I'm a terrific guy. 367 00:16:58,016 --> 00:16:59,984 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mentioned that, yeah. 368 00:17:00,051 --> 00:17:02,285 Come on, let me buy you a beer in your kitchen. Let's go. 369 00:17:02,353 --> 00:17:04,154 Uh, actually, c-Carrie's upstairs. 370 00:17:04,222 --> 00:17:05,990 Oh, don't worry. I gotta get back to the shop, anyway. 371 00:17:06,057 --> 00:17:07,257 Come on, quick beer. 372 00:17:07,325 --> 00:17:08,959 Ok. 373 00:17:09,027 --> 00:17:10,427 Remember when we were kids, 374 00:17:10,495 --> 00:17:12,930 we would, uh, pin those towels around our necks? 375 00:17:12,998 --> 00:17:14,765 Yeah, I think I remember that. 376 00:17:14,833 --> 00:17:16,166 Oh, sure you do. Sure you do. 377 00:17:16,234 --> 00:17:17,868 You'd pretend to be, uh, superman, 378 00:17:17,936 --> 00:17:19,603 and I was your sidekick... 379 00:17:20,271 --> 00:17:21,171 Towel boy. 380 00:17:21,239 --> 00:17:23,173 Towel boy, that's right! Yeah! 381 00:17:23,241 --> 00:17:25,275 Ah, those were fun times. 382 00:17:25,343 --> 00:17:26,677 Hmm. 383 00:17:26,745 --> 00:17:28,378 So, Doug, what-- you know, what--what went wrong? 384 00:17:28,446 --> 00:17:30,047 How did we drift apart? 385 00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:33,083 Was it me, because I--I know I can come on like a ton of bricks. 386 00:17:33,151 --> 00:17:34,952 No, no, you're fine. I mean, 387 00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:36,854 you were a bit of a pain in the ass when we were kids, 388 00:17:36,921 --> 00:17:38,822 but I guess, you know, I never let it go. 389 00:17:38,890 --> 00:17:40,190 You know what? I'm--I'm sorry. 390 00:17:40,258 --> 00:17:41,759 Well, whatever happened, 391 00:17:41,826 --> 00:17:44,361 I'm just glad we were able to hang out a little, you know? 392 00:17:44,428 --> 00:17:46,063 Well, listen, I--I'm gonna get going. 393 00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:47,898 And you know what? Maybe, sometime, 394 00:17:47,966 --> 00:17:49,700 w-we'll do that mets game together, huh? 395 00:17:49,768 --> 00:17:51,769 Yeah, whenever. I'm not pushin'. 396 00:17:51,836 --> 00:17:54,038 Hey, remember the last one we went to back in '86? 397 00:17:54,105 --> 00:17:56,640 Oh, yeah, right. When you threw my keys in the urinal. 398 00:17:56,708 --> 00:17:58,742 Right, right. But I made it up to you, though. 399 00:17:58,810 --> 00:18:01,244 Remember I took you to Tracy matello's birthday party, huh? 400 00:18:01,312 --> 00:18:02,279 You remember that? 401 00:18:02,346 --> 00:18:04,114 Yeah, I remember. 402 00:18:04,182 --> 00:18:05,949 That's the night everyone started calling me stumpy. 403 00:18:06,017 --> 00:18:08,185 Yeah, that was because of me. I--I started that. 404 00:18:08,252 --> 00:18:10,387 Remember, you were wearing that stupid turtleneck, 405 00:18:10,454 --> 00:18:11,922 dancing on the floor out there, 406 00:18:11,990 --> 00:18:15,292 and I was like, "hey, nice move there, stumpy!" 407 00:18:16,027 --> 00:18:17,627 That was all me. 408 00:18:17,696 --> 00:18:19,629 Do you know that people still call me that? 409 00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:21,932 Oh, really? That's funny. 410 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,734 It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 411 00:18:23,802 --> 00:18:25,435 Did you ever try to get a girl to go out with you 412 00:18:25,503 --> 00:18:26,870 when your nickname is stumpy? 413 00:18:26,938 --> 00:18:29,506 God! I--I can't believe that was you! 414 00:18:29,574 --> 00:18:31,241 You did that to me! 415 00:18:32,711 --> 00:18:34,078 No, actually, it was Rick Usher. 416 00:18:34,145 --> 00:18:36,080 That's who it was, Rick Usher, I remember. 417 00:18:36,147 --> 00:18:38,182 Yeah, yeah, sure. Blame the dead kid. You know? 418 00:18:38,249 --> 00:18:39,649 It was you! 419 00:18:39,718 --> 00:18:41,018 Now, wait till my therapist 420 00:18:41,086 --> 00:18:42,886 gets this piece of the puzzle! 421 00:18:50,729 --> 00:18:52,062 It was just a nickname. 422 00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:54,732 Oy! Can I get a little focus here? 423 00:18:54,799 --> 00:18:57,968 How can I focus? I ruined the guy's life. 424 00:18:58,036 --> 00:19:00,370 Stumpy's funny though, right? 425 00:19:00,438 --> 00:19:02,072 Doug, if you're trying to get me hot, 426 00:19:02,140 --> 00:19:05,275 repeating the word "stumpy" is not gonna help. 427 00:19:05,343 --> 00:19:07,745 I just feel so guilty. 428 00:19:07,812 --> 00:19:09,679 Ok, well, look at it this way. 429 00:19:09,748 --> 00:19:11,849 Now he hates you. Now he won't call you as much. 430 00:19:11,916 --> 00:19:13,083 I don't want him to hate me. 431 00:19:13,151 --> 00:19:15,485 I want him to love me and not call me. 432 00:19:15,553 --> 00:19:16,720 Ok, so what are you saying? 433 00:19:16,788 --> 00:19:18,155 Are we gonna fool around or not? 434 00:19:18,223 --> 00:19:19,623 Look, I'll do whatever you want. 435 00:19:19,690 --> 00:19:20,991 I'm just telling you right now, 436 00:19:21,059 --> 00:19:22,993 I can't give you all the engines. 437 00:19:25,897 --> 00:19:28,732 Doug, it's Saturday, ok? 438 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,902 Our weekend without my father is over tomorrow. 439 00:19:31,970 --> 00:19:34,404 Fine. We'll fool around in the morning, ok? 440 00:19:35,974 --> 00:19:37,507 Just go to sleep now. 441 00:19:39,144 --> 00:19:40,410 It's 7:30. 442 00:19:42,013 --> 00:19:43,713 Shut up, weird hair. 443 00:19:53,557 --> 00:19:55,659 Hey, it's Sunday morning. 444 00:19:55,726 --> 00:19:57,394 You wanna have sex? 445 00:19:58,629 --> 00:20:00,363 Do ya? Do ya? 446 00:20:00,431 --> 00:20:02,866 Do ya? Do ya? 447 00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:04,168 [Groans] Stop. 448 00:20:04,235 --> 00:20:05,568 Hey, come on. Wake up, I want sex. 449 00:20:05,636 --> 00:20:07,537 Your hair looks good now. 450 00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:11,842 Doug, I'm sleeping. 451 00:20:14,245 --> 00:20:15,846 Did you feel that? 452 00:20:16,380 --> 00:20:17,514 Oh, no. 453 00:20:18,950 --> 00:20:20,217 Oh, honey! 454 00:20:20,885 --> 00:20:22,920 It's a dougquake! 455 00:20:22,987 --> 00:20:25,755 Oh, God! Oh, boy! 456 00:20:25,824 --> 00:20:27,557 Quick, under a doorjamb! 457 00:20:27,625 --> 00:20:28,758 Under a doorjamb! 458 00:20:28,827 --> 00:20:30,060 Find one! 459 00:20:30,128 --> 00:20:31,295 Stop it. 460 00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:38,068 Aftershocks! 461 00:20:41,172 --> 00:20:43,406 You are so dead. 462 00:20:43,474 --> 00:20:45,008 You are so dead! 463 00:20:47,411 --> 00:20:48,879 You want a piece of me? 464 00:20:48,947 --> 00:20:50,580 Come on, sex in the kitchen. 465 00:20:51,349 --> 00:20:53,483 [Screams] 466 00:20:56,721 --> 00:20:58,055 Dad, what are you doing? 467 00:20:58,122 --> 00:21:00,057 I thought you weren't coming home until tonight. 468 00:21:00,124 --> 00:21:01,591 Danny gave me the boot. 469 00:21:01,659 --> 00:21:03,426 What? Why? 470 00:21:03,494 --> 00:21:05,929 I don't know. Something about Doug being an idiot. 471 00:21:05,997 --> 00:21:08,165 So, what are you kids up to? 472 00:21:11,435 --> 00:21:13,503 We wanna have sex in the kitchen... 473 00:21:20,311 --> 00:21:22,645 I see. So, tell me, 474 00:21:22,713 --> 00:21:25,949 what, exactly, do you remember about that day? 475 00:21:26,017 --> 00:21:28,518 Well, Danny and I were at this birthday party, 476 00:21:28,586 --> 00:21:29,753 and I, uh... 477 00:21:30,721 --> 00:21:32,689 I just called him stumpy. 478 00:21:33,524 --> 00:21:34,791 [Laughing] 479 00:21:42,767 --> 00:21:44,067 You think that's funny? 480 00:21:44,135 --> 00:21:46,303 I told you. Right? It's funny, right? 481 00:21:46,371 --> 00:21:47,804 [Both laughing]34109

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