Original subtitles

This coffee is so good.

It's got a nice body,

a lot of light, biscuity

but it fades to reveal

an earthy yet creamy finish.

Is it a shade-grown

It's Folgers, Dave.

That was my next guess.

Hey-hey.

We got a package at

Well, all right.

And with a few days to spare,

I finally got the perfect

Got to do it big

Yeah, and Dad has a bad history

Yep, he is 0

Remember when he got her

Oh, she was so upset.

She vacuumed through

Well, don't forget her 40th.

The cake.

Mm.

Was it a carrot cake?

You know, vegetables

Full stop.

I like zucchini bread.

No!

It turns out

Her face swelled up

That's why the next year,

And ran over her

Well, I couldn't see

But this year

I got her the most

A genuine Chanel jacket

straight off

Look like it came straight

(chuckles)

She's gonna love it, baby...

DAVE:

Ah, yes. Oh, no.

Hey, man, that's too small.

I can see that, Dave.

Yeah, so I don't have to point

Uh, no.

Well, looks like

(laughs)

Hey.

Now, what are you boys up to?

Nothing.

Well, I hope you're

anything extravagant

I don't need anything.

Well, you know you got that.

You know? But I got to do

a little something

Okay, I'm just saying,

at my age, you can't ask

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

You do it, Mama. Okay.

(Malcolm chuckles)

Oh, man, she is definitely

Luckily, we found

Oh, yes, we did.

The latest

because she's always complaining

Well, they did get run over.

Okay, how much do

(chuckles)

Come on, guys.

Look, I'll give

(laughs)

You have got to get your own.

(laughter)

Watch out.

Move out the way.

mm-hmm.

* Welcome to the block,

* Welcome to the hood. *

Oh, hey, babe.

What's going on?

Our online fundraising

and our donations suck.

What are you talking about?

Yeah.

Anyway, I'm waiting

to walk by to pick up his kids.

I'm going to "accidentally"

and get him to donate

Oh, finally, the day I get

Ooh, there he is.

He's mine. Jerry.

Jerry! Ooh!

Oh...

Fire! Uh, false alarm.

Hey.

You okay?

Hey, can I ask you

No, I don't know

Rebecca Romijn

(strained laughter)

That's funny.

I don't know how I got

So, anyway, our big

is coming up,

if you might be able to donate

Of course. I'm pretty sure

I have a Kindle

Brand-new.

Oh, uh, yeah, thanks.

I'm kidding. How many VIP

Oh, four. Yes.

Hooah.

I'm sorry?

No, I'm-- I just--

I-I don't...

I don't mean to embarrass you,

but, uh, I just-- Scent of

Me, too. But that

I'm Jerry O'Connell.

* *

I'll take any idea you got.

I am desperate to find

Well, I got her

I found on Oprah's

It's designed by her

Perfect. I'll give you $300 cash

Calvin. Come on,

You've got to dig deeper.

All right, $350.

Calvin!

Just, whenever I ask

she says, "All I need is you."

Well, yeah,

but we actually want the gift.

Well,

you know,

I'm going to play her

I've been practicing for weeks.

Grover, that's really sweet

Look, say it's from me,

I'll give you $300 cash.

Mixed bills, tens and 20s.

No, no, no, no.

Come on, Calvin,

Why not support a good cause

from the school auction site?

All right,

(groans)

Lunch with

Yeah.

Juggling lessons.

(scoffs)

A 60-pound weighted blanket?

How do you get out of bed?

It's been a rough

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

VIP tickets to The Talk.

Tina loves The Talk.

Sheryl Underwood is her girl.

All right, you know what?

Great.

Okay, well, how about

right now and we cut out

The middleman is

for underprivileged kids.

Okay, all right. $375.

$400 and I take Grover

We all know he can be a handful.

I'm right here.

* *

Man, this auction is blowing up.

I've had to up my bid,

Scent of a Woman.

How could I be so stupid?

Okay. All right.

Okay, here we go-- oh.

Oh...

(clears throat)

What are you boys

Oh, you know, uh, watching porn.

No, we are not.

Oh.

I get it. I get it.

The birthday girl is going

Yeah. All right.

Bye.

Man, that was terrible.

You're lucky I was here.

(computer chimes)

Oh. Oh, man, I got to up my bid.

Down to the final five seconds.

Okay, here we go.

Three, two, one.

Yeah!

Yeah, baby! Let's go!

You're going to the...

Right, uh, wow, that is

* *

(playing poorly)

* *

Oh, wow. Aw.

Oh, thank you, Grover.

Bless your little heart.

That was beautiful.

What was that?

I thought it was

He's been working

Yeah, that's easily

Yeah.

Well, thank you, Johnson family,

And the concert.

Yeah, yeah, uh,

Open ours, Mommy.

Okay, let me see

Ugh.

These are nice.

Is that why you said "ugh"?

Oh, did I? No, no, I...

Well, they look

No, no, no, no, no.

They're just padded

improve posture,

Well, when you put

Oh, damn.

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

They're endorsed by Marla Gibbs.

Y'all got y'all mama

We have got to get

Oh, yeah, y'all

Yeah, we know, Gemma.

Well, babe, you're going

your nice new Velcro kicks.

So here you go.

What'd you get me?

Oh, my God!

You got me four tickets

I get to see

Oh, baby, this is

Hit it, Grover. I'm feeling it.

(playing poorly)

* *

* *

Baby, we are in the front row.

I mean, Sheryl is

I could touch her.

Okay, you know what?

gonna be right here

Don't do that, okay?

Okay.

So exciting.

You know, Jerry is

This is the last chance for

There is no friendship.

Well, not with that

ANNOUNCER:

- * You and me *

* You know we make

* Company... *

Oh, my God, it's Sheryl!

* You know we make

Hi, Sheryl!

* *

* Hoppin', we poppin',

* Lord knows I love conversating

(chanting):

Jerry!

Wrong show. Wrong Jerry.

Stop doing that.

(laughing)

* *

Okay, here's a gift idea.

An LED light therapy

Are you crazy?

That'll be like telling Mama

See, man, look, look.

Ah. Things were so

We made her an ugly necklace

and she loved it.

Oh, man.

You know, one time

I gave her a Lando Calrissian

that she bought me,

and she said it was

Yeah, and then

She wasn't gonna

Well, as you know, we here on

And today

is going to share

(cheering and applauding)

And spoiler alert,

So good.

Oh, you guys, stop.

Okay, now, I'm going

lucky audience members

Anybody hungry?

Me! Me, me, me! Me!

I'm starving, I'm starving!

Hey, birthday girl.

Oh, yeah, a-and the

And the birthday girl's friend.

Okay, you four. Come on.

Oh. Okay!

Come on, baby.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Hey.

Come on up.

Okay, okay.

Pasadena, Sheryl.

Uh-huh.

All day, every day.

Sheryl is standing right here,

I can see that, babe.

Was 'cause your man

a great birthday present.

Yes, you did, baby...

And your birthday's

because I'm going

GEMMA: Ooh.

(audience applauding)

Hey, Jerry O'Connell.

Why don't you come

Yes, that was, uh, that was

a movie I was actually in.

Very good.

Yes. Show me the chili!

Okay. Yeah.

Let's move on. We're moving on.

DAVE:

Okay, I need an assistant chef.

Oh, oh, you got to pick my baby.

She's been cooking me the best

Oh, stop it, baby.

Oh, looks like

Oh, wow. Mom is on TV

DAVE: What kind of cheese

Jerry O'Connell? Monterey Jack

Oh, David.

As every great cook knows,

the secret to chili

And I got my own

Cayenne.

Paprika.

Mustard seed.

AKBAR: Ooh.

And a little something-something

Horseradish.

Mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

NATALIE:

you have Sheryl's chili

so let's dig in.

DAVE: All right.

AKBAR: Okay.

(clears throat) Mmm.

Mmm.

This is so good, Sheryl.

It's really good.

Here you go,

Bon appétit.

Thank you, Sheryl.

You don't like it?

I do. It's so good.

This is a masterpiece. Yeah.

You know what? All this need

Tina doesn't like my chili.

You all like my chili, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, so, so good.

Amazing.

I'm almost done. Yeah.

So it's just you.

No, no, no.

I love it. The chili is good.

Okay, then-then

Go ahead.

Okay, let me...

...have some more chili.

(groans)

I think this segment is over.

And I think y'all been lying

JERRY:

We're going to pay

We'll be right back

(audience applauding)

AKBAR:

Oh, Sheryl, don't be like that.

See what you did, Akbar?

Sheryl!

* *

Hey. Gemma?

Calvin, what are you doing here?

(sighs) Look, I need

I need to talk

No. Nuh-uh.

After what happened

Well, that's the thing.

Look, I finally got Tina

and it wound up being

She told me she wished

I understand.

But I can't allow you

a parent on school property

without proper...

Ooh, there he is.

Jerry. Oh, sorry.

(stammering)

You okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

that guy Dave

Uh...

Oh, no, no, no, I barely

Hey, look, Jerry, um,

my wife Tina,

and, uh, this morning, you know,

Uh, I think we should move on.

Here's the weighted blanket

(grunting)

You okay?

I got it, I got it.

Look, I-I was just hoping

you could put Tina

so that she can apologize.

Well, I-I'd love

but Sheryl is not

Sheryl's upset with

more real with her

which is not great chili.

Yeah, I'm not sure

We were just trying

and now Sheryl's

She said she's never

O-Okay, well, maybe

Come on, let me help you

(grunts)

my wife makes a mean chili.

Oh, I certainly

(chuckles)

That's my wife

* *

SHERYL:

Right there.

Yeah. That's not pretty.

You're an attractive woman,

but that's not a good face.

Babe, I know your

Are you day-drinking with Dave?

You know, I don't think

Anyway, look, I know

but I got one more gift for you,

and it's a chance

I just want you...

like I'm an Amazon package?

Hello, Tina.

Calvin, Sheryl Underwood

I know, babe. I brought her.

Sheryl Underwood,

I am so sorry

It's, it's just my face.

It-it won't lie.

Girl, I know it.

I watched it back on slow-mo.

But I want to thank you.

You were the only one

Oh.

I hated the chili, too.

Little late,

Uh, so he mentioned me?

Nobody's talking

Tina, I brought Sheryl here

how to make chili

Oh, hell yeah, I will.

Come on, girl. Let me

That's all right, girl.

I got one.

Calvin! Sheryl Underwood

I can see.

This is the best birthday ever.

So, what do I need to know?

Okay, first off,

That's my mother's recipe.

Oh, she doesn't know

Tina!

Ooh, okay.

Keep your eyes closed.

Okay. Almost.

And open 'em.

Ta-da!

Wow. What's all this?

It's your present.

Look, Ma, we-we were

the perfect birthday

and we remembered that

Aw.

We remember this day

so we decided to recreate it.

Oh, thank you.

Yep.

Tuna fish and Cheetos.

(laughs)

There it is.

But I love it. I will eat it.

Thank you. Boys, this is...

This is all I could want.

Mwah.

My babies. Mwah.

Happy birthday, Mama.

Thank you. This is...

I need you to smile,

All right, come on.

Let's take a picture

with my babies.

Here we go.

Three, two...

What y'all looking at?

Dad.

We're trying to recreate

Oh, but, man,

That's okay, baby, why don't

Oh, okay. All right, good.

Come on, baby. Here we go.

And three, two--

Ooh, do I smell

Ah, Dave.

They're trying to take a photo.

Oh, you know what? Let's just

Come on. Here we go.

CALVIN: Get in. Get in.

And...

All right, everybody say chili.

Chili!

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