Original subtitles

(scratching)

Calvin.

Calvin.

Calvin!

Yeah, what? What?

What?

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

You could've woke

Do you hear that scratching?

(scratching)

Shh! Don't talk!

(scratching)

I don't know. M-Maybe

Spiders don't make noise.

All right, well, it sounds like

It's got to be

At 5:00 in the morning?

With all that legal weed

I don't know, Calvin.

It-it sounds like it

Could you just go look?

Hey, I'll look

Oh, baby, I don't...

(whimpers)

(grunts)

(scratching)

Mm-mm, mm-mm,

Baby, please.

I cannot sleep with that.

Just-just go check it out.

(sighs) Fine.

I mean, you know...

But once I brush my teeth,

(grumbling)

So much for gender equality.

Thank you, baby.

CALVIN:

What?!

Get out! Get out of here!

Get out of here!

Oh, you picked the

Babe?

Babe, you good?

(crashing)

Slipper? Oh. All right.

Well, it sounds like you got it.

(crashing)

* Welcome to the block,

* Welcome to the hood. *

Oh. Oh.

Oh, my God.

What was it?

Either it was a large raccoon

Well, did you have

I didn't do it. That thing did.

Look, babe, when I came in here,

And then we squared off, right?

Now, he had eyes

So then, so then I hit him with

Hey. So then, but he's like,

"Oh, what's up?

Then I was like, "Oh!" So then,

So then I grabbed him,

and I put him in a full nelson.

And I was choking him,

And I was choking him. But then,

but then he flipped me

So then he started choking me,

But his hands was too small

so he couldn't get

So then I hit him

I was like,

Right? So then,

then he came running at me.

I grabbed him, I flipped him

and I field-goaled him

Whew.

Oh, my God!

There's footprints

Well, what does

Well, nothing, babe.

I'm still hearing

but I ain't mad because

Calvin.

Can you call another company?

Babe, I'm a half hour

If you can't get a pest

I'm calling a Realtor, and if

(stammering): Wait, hold on.

Whoa-whoa-whoa, bab-baby...

Representative.

Representative.

Agent.

Operator.

Person.

Yes, English.

Or Spanish? ¡Nosotros!

* *

Don't mean to

but, uh...

it was definitely a raccoon.

So we're going to put down

We could, if you sign

we're not responsible for

Well, we don't have a child,

Tina, what are you doing?

You're just throwing

I'm not eating

Have you ever seen

They actually do.

There's this great video

Oh, oh, yeah,

'Cause they look like little

(both laugh)

You mind if

Yeah, yeah,

Uh, look at all this

You know, Tina,

I recently

Yeah, I know.

For a man

you spend a lot of time

Tina, did you

Probably.

Child, I didn't look. What?

(laughs)

School's canceled today

up in the mountains.

Air quality is

That never happened

We had closures for blizzards,

Frogs?

After the tornadoes,

Gemma, where are you from?

We had really nice Octobers.

I know today was

the casting decisions for the

Wow, a raccoon

Calvin helped.

Hey.

PEST CONTROL GUY:

your point of entry

We can put a mesh cap

Ooh, let's put two in

So this mesh thing

And Santa Claus.

(laughs)

'Cause, you see, 'cause...

the chimney is where...

that's where Santa comes down.

Hilarious. I get it.

Truth is, if they want in,

they're gonna find

Best thing to do is

attracting them

Some new food source around--

Dave!

Dave?

Do you know what

I have been waiting

I'm returning

instead of letting

Well, guess what.

It's attracting raccoons.

Aw. You know, composting brings

all the creatures together.

Not "aw." One of them

and now I don't have

What am I supposed

Huh?

Hello, Mr. Raccoon.

Come get your other slipper!

* *

Mama, where's all the food?

I'm not keeping any food

after some rodent

Well, actually, uh,

they are Carnivora.

Which is kind of a misnomer

because they're

(chuckling)

Yo, Marty.

Wait, so are you saying

Looks like you'll

But we don't have

I mean, we knew this day

You think you'll be ready

Okay, look, we're all going

Why don't you guys

Oh, okay.

Got you, Mama.

Credit card?

It's our treat.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Hey.

About those auditions

for the spring musical.

You know that seventh

You were probably wondering

as in the school's Brockwell

I wasn't wondering.

Oh, good.

But he is.

Oh, so wait a minute.

Are you saying that I have

because his parents

Grandparents.

His parents paid

And no, of course

You should cast

Great.

Was Cooper the best?

Oh, no.

I'm just glad you don't feel

just because, without

there wouldn't be

You know, now I'm feeling

No, don't, don't, don't.

It is a nice theater,

Oh, my God.

(groans) It's always just one

Remember when you installed

Yeah, I reduced

and I cut my

Wrong. You caused a blackout,

and I had to stop a mob

And what about when you

We were in a drought.

I decreased my

And this neighborhood

The kid down the street

I had to stop his daddy

Okay. Well, to be fair,

that was the same guy

I think he has

Okay.

Oh, look, it's one of

It says that there's a...

mountain lion loose

Wait a second.

I didn't get an alert.

(alarm blaring)

It's telling us

You all are getting this?

It's only my phone

Remain indoors until

can find and

Ha! You ain't got

Yeah, with Black people,

"mountain" and "lion,"

* *

REPORTER: 100-year-old Bernice

There's a mountain lion

and all the local news

is a 100-year-old

I mean, at this point,

Baby, don't say that.

Hold on.

Grover's home.

Our son is in

No. What? You can't go

There's a mountain lion.

See? That's why they

Okay, Gemma, look,

All right, he's fine.

He's in the house.

Grover knows not to open

What about mountain lions?

Okay, well, Gemma,

not to open the door

we have bigger problems.

Grover. Grover, can you hear me?

Hey, Mom.

There's a mountain lion

I know. I got

You got to be kidding me.

Yeah-- my phone wants me dead.

Grover.

Stay inside.

Don't open the door

We'll be over as soon as we can.

So, first I don't get to go

to school because of a fire,

and now I have to hang out

without supervision

I know, sweetie.

Poor little thing.

If this is

then where's the dragon?

This is nothing but ladies

Mom would definitely say

But Mom's not here.

And we will also have the

Oh, yeah, bread on the side

Yeah, uh, bread on the side.

Extra sauce,

Extra sauce, please.

On the side.

Don't let it

And we will also have

Oh, is that more

They are pig style, Marty.

Oh, ask if their coleslaw

Would you hold on

No, I will not

They about to spit

You cannot be this

You are not pretty enough.

They don't know

(phone beeping)

Oh, great, see, now that's

And she is worse than you are.

Man, I ain't got time for this.

I'm gonna just

Hello? Yes, that

Oh, no, ooh,

has more whipped

I'm so sorry.

I just saw you hang up.

That's why it dropped.

Okay, well, please call me

CALVIN: I mean, them mountain

Look, babe, that's

No.

Uh, the Black Johnsons.

I can tell because they leave

their Christmas lights

Mm. I kind of like it.

It's March. There should

Somebody's getting hangry.

Dave, I don't know

but I am not in the mood.

I am hungry and I'm angry.

I'm starving, too.

You know what?

Some of those boxes

I'm getting some Triscuits.

Will you see if there's

Like a...

David, I'm going to the trash.

I'm not popping by the bakery.

Something knocked

Oh, no. The raccoon is back.

Oh, no, this was way

Oh, my God.

Before we all die,

I just want to make

Dave, this is

How so?

Because your composting

attracted the raccoons,

throw out our food,

right to our front door.

I should've let

You should've.

I can't leave our son alone.

I don't care what's out there.

All right, honey. Wait.

(helicopter blades whirring)

(man speaks indistinctly

What were they saying?

Whatever it was,

"Get your butt back

Look, Grover's alone.

He must be so scared.

Okay.

Now let's find out

why I'm not allowed

* *

Yo...

What is with

It's got to be a police chase.

I hope it's still on TV.

(laughs)

I hope it's not us.

Yo.

Look at all this trash.

Uh-oh. Somebody's gonna have

Not it.

Hold on, hey,

Are you really going

(sighs)

Yes.

No!

Malcolm!

Hey, hey. I got the food.

Are you crazy?

Why didn't you answer

There's a mountain lion

Out where?

Oh, it's not just me. Yes.

Where's your brother?

He's out there cleaning

Oh, my God. Calvin,

I'm on it.

I'll go with you, Pop.

Oh, no, you won't. Uh-uh.

You could get killed.

I'll go.

Yeah, go ahead, Dave.

Go!

Daddy!

Don't let me go out like this!

Oh.

I've never been to Japan.

There's two or three more

Well, what do you do

I think you're supposed

That's a shark.

DAVE:

Uh, stay perfectly still.

That's a T. rex.

Well, I'm hearing

Why don't you

Okay, okay.

Marty, what you got in the bag?

It's a Carolina

Bread on the side,

You are your mama's son.

All right, you know what?

I got this. Okay? Come on.

All right, everybody

Hey, big cat.

Hey there, Mr. Lion.

How you doing?

(roaring)

Whoa!

N-Nice smile.

All right. It's good barbecue.

Okay... You eat meat, right?

You're not one of those

Go! Get in there!

We haven't tried this

but it did get

It's a mountain lion,

Okay.

Go, go, go!

Go shut the door!

Whoo!

Whew.

We got him!

Don't mess with the dynamic duo.

Duo?

Dave, I went face to face

All you did was shut the door.

Oh, my God, Daddy.

You saved my life.

You guys are my Blackman

If the TV news comes by,

Which one am I?

* *

REPORTER:

and will be released

Coming up after the break,

a 100-year-old woman dies

And there you go,

Oh.

uh, I wanted to

and save you,

Mama wouldn't let me.

Aw. It's okay, Malcolm.

Sometimes fear immobilizes you.

I said Mama wouldn't let me.

It's okay to be afraid

I still look up to you.

Grover, don't you

Thanks, Mom, but...

I'm good.

Poor kid must

Look, I know today

we didn't get a chance to talk

about the whole

Oh, it's fine. Today reminded

Don't worry about casting

You're in charge.

Oh, thank you.

But I totally

you're under

so I will put Cooper

He can be townsperson

Townsperson number two?

His only line is,

But it's your call.

(mouths)

Hey, Dave. I know I'm

you really stepped up

Thanks for having my back.

That's what best friends

I am going to share

of my composting with you.

Grew these in my garden.

Uh...

I'm not going

you grew in the trash.

You're missing out.

It's so... It's so...

It's so good.

(disposal crunching)

What? You're not gonna

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