Original subtitles

Hey, Calvin.

Hola, mi amor.

Guess what I'm making.

Paella.

Yes, the authentic recipe

Well, you know, you could say

No, I like saying "Barthelona"

like a "Barthelonian."

You know, Calvin, you don't

I still haven't finished

Hey, you must have

Yeah, let's go with that.

And speaking

you know, we haven't done

(chuckles)

Calvin, where's my favorite mug?

Oh, I, uh,

Yeah, I was watching

and the feng shui

you should replace any

But my mug wasn't chipped.

Well, I broke it

when I was trying to

Oh, by the way,

Magnum, P.I. thinks we should

What you think?

Okay, Calvin,

a lot of time on your hands

you got to stop

How about you just

Do something.

Babe, I'm doing things.

I got plenty of stuff to do.

My schedule is jam-packed.

Alexa, what's

ALEXA:

Hmm?

Yes, Tina.

Well, how about you

Well, all my friends work.

Are you trying to get rid of me?

No, no, no, baby.

I don't think it's very healthy

for a man to stay

or his wife

Oh! I just watched

You know, the lady

* Welcome to the block,

* Welcome to the hood. *

Okay.

Please take it.

Ooh, look, Dave wants some.

(slurring):

I'm still numb.

Here, sweetie,

So, has it been hard for Calvin

Hard for me.

He's always here.

He watches my shows before I do

and then spoils the endings.

You know, I finally

to give away

And there's this much left?

You feel my pain.

Ooh.

Mama! Oh.

TINA: Hey.

Oh, yeah, it's right over there.

Um, why did you

I didn't want Malcolm to see it.

It's a longsword

It's a what for the what what?

(chortles)

I'm gonna ask Malcolm

And then slay him?

Marty's doing a grooms-posal.

They're like prom-posals,

Yeah, back when I did mine,

society thought

Then I rode into

on that horse, shirtless.

I broke barriers

I'm...

I'm-I'm gonna go "shirt on."

But I do want Malcolm

So, uh, Marty, got all your

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, i...

It's Malcolm, my two

and my play

(short chuckle)

a real cousin, huh?

Dave, let it go.

Stop being so thirsty.

(cheering)

Oh, shoot. Ernie's killing it

Hey, Calvin,

do you want me to embarrass

crush Trey as a warm-up?

Also, no outside food.

Oh.

It's paella.

Oh, don't mind if I do.

Winning burns a lot of calories.

Ernie, I haven't seen

You juicing?

Nah. No, man.

I'm just the best holder

anyone's seen

Probably the other side, too.

There's just

You bragging about

(giggles)

Sound like somebody's scared.

Ooh, I'm terrified.

What's the next challenge--

Or maybe Candy Land?

Calvin, just whup his ass

Man.

I-It's ridiculous, man.

This requires no skills.

Watch.

Ha-ha!

Reminds me of the time

and you hit that old lady.

It was a bank shot

I still made par.

Ah.

Okay.

ERNIE:

Close, close, but no cigar.

All right,

All right, here we go.

(grunts)

Yeah!

(patrons cheering)

Boom, baby! In your face!

Okay, Calvin.

If you feeling so cocky,

then why don't you

Mm, nah, I'm good.

Uh-huh. Uh, I-I forgot--

You too busy

in a rocking chair.

ALL:

You know what?

And for your information,

(patrons cheering)

All right.

Good luck. Oh, did you see

They all look a lot like me,

You know, I forget about

It's called a hair unit.

(knocking)

Hold on.

Oh, my God!

Marty, what is going on?

Malcolm Langston Butler,

you are hereby

commanded to pull

the sword from

Only the true best man

What?

If thou wouldst be the best man,

thou must pull the very

from yonder stone.

Okay, Marty, obviously

Uh, did you say "wouldst"?

I don't know, man.

No, I said I'm in, Marty, okay?

I-I'm doing

I went to the cake tasting,

Okay, if-if you're

maybe I'll ask somebody else.

Marty, I'm your only brother.

Who else would you ask

Derek.

Derek?

He's a board game friend.

You have to be distracted

Well, Derek would

from the stone by now, man.

Well, 'cause Derek is a dork!

Great.

when he takes your role

Wha...

From the shadows you come

and to the shadows

(exclaims)

(scoffs)

Don't flatter yourself.

You're pulling

Thanks a lot, Gemma.

But a lot of those bags

before you

by sneaking up on me.

Okay, you want

keep doing it your way.

Or you could

and add a little arc

like this.

Damn, woman, you can hole.

Where'd you learn

There wasn't a lot to do

All we had was corn.

Either you ate it

Or the crows got it.

On a bad day, all

So, you used to play with corn?

Did you not have Barbie dolls?

Crows got 'em.

That's why I became

Uh, w-wait, wait.

I want to learn how to play.

Cornhole isn't

It's something you become.

When I holed,

I gave myself fully

I'd expect you

I'm ready.

No, you're not.

But you will be.

Forget everything you think

I literally know nothing.

Raw clay.

Derek?

Derek is gonna be your best man?

Help me remember--

I think you know you did not.

Then Derek should not

Calvin, back me up.

Listen to your mama, boy.

Ooh!

Calvin!

What? I'm folding the laundry.

Stop playing games and help me

Uh, Marty, if you want your

you should ask him

I'm sure he'll say yes.

Well, he did

That's not the point, Daddy.

TINA:

when you look back

years from now...

(clang)

...you're gonna

with your brother.

(clang)

Calvin, what the

I'm emptying the dishwasher.

Apparently, I have to do

That was going in.

I mean, it is nonstop, Trey.

One ridiculous wedding event

a-and the groom-posal

There was a rock,

and then there was

So, he did all that just

Yes. I mean,

Tell me I'm wrong.

You're wrong.

Wait, what?

I'm just saying,

all that trouble to make you

and you went

I did not.

Word on the street is you

I said yes to Marty, okay?

Look, maybe I wasn't as nice

I-I don't care. Uh...

Are you now bumped down

or... or are you out out,

and now there's an opening?

Well, I can't be completely

Uh, I mean, look,

Marty's a big baby,

You're right.

Damn it.

So, what do I do?

Malcolm, go to him.

Yeah, but you got to

After what you did,

Meaning I got to

No, no, not at all.

Now, let's talk

Oh...

You do know there's nothing

Of course, babe.

The tournament is tonight.

Hey, Tina, would you

of shagging my bags

Do what now?

I forgot,

(chuckles)

It means retrieving my bags.

I just need to concentrate

Alexa, is it windy

Hello, Cornhole King.

This evening

it's breezy

Hmm.

I'm gonna have to adjust

Did you actually program Alexa

Yes. And trust me,

Uh, you know, Calvin,

I know I encouraged you

and find something to do,

but don't you think

this Cornhole thing

(chuckles)

Calvin, bombaye!

Calvin, bombaye!

Calvin, bomba...

Did you people not see Ali?

Calvin, bombaye!

ALL:

Go, babe!

It's all right, my man.

You can tell your grandkids

you got beat by Calvin Butler.

Go on, now.

Calvin, let's talk management.

What are you celebrating?

You haven't won anything yet.

I just took the semis.

Finish the job!

Sorry, Calvin.

You've had your fun,

ends here.

Yeah, that's because

in your last divorce.

(exclaiming, chattering)

True.

But not you or my

can take cornhole from me.

Don't you worry, Calvin Butler.

I'll keep the trophy here.

You can come see it

Oh. Uh,

I'm gonna see it every night

'cause it'll be in my bedroom.

The hell it will.

Hey, uh, shag girl,

(doorbell rings)

Hedwig?!

"Your presence is requested

"at the stroke of 9:00.

Yours, magically,

(laughs)

It's Albus, but okay.

(laughing)

Who dares approacheth my lair?

You invited me, Dumbledore.

Yes, right.

Approacheth, Grayskull Legolas.

You are mixing

but I love it!

When I cast this spell,

you will no longer remember that

I was dickish unto thee.

And you will once again

as your best friend,

...your best man.

Kombucha!

Yes. A thousand times yes.

This is unbelievably tense.

It is?

They're tied. They've gone

The next hole wins.

Ooh, and then we're done?

Oh. Hey, hey.

You hear that, Calvin?

That hole is

ALL:

Yeah.

Oh, I hear it now.

And it's saying,

"You're in second place,

Time out. Time out, time out.

Calvin, his bag

It's air mail time.

Air mail?

We practiced this.

No, we didn't.

We didn't? Crap.

Okay.

You've got to arc high.

Higher than you've ever

Your bag's got to come

through that hole without

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Okay, hey, I'm tossing.

I'm tossing, man.

Okay.

* *

Yes! We did it!

(laughs)

Hey, uh, good game, Calvin.

Yeah, that felt pretty good.

need to take your picture

Oh, not without my shag girl.

Nah, I'm good.

Hey, that was, uh

that was some fine holing,

Yeah.

It was fun.

Oh, it doesn't have to be over.

We can take this act

There is a tournament

Now, the way I figure...

I mean, since I sold the

for something to be

this is your thing,

I'm still searching for mine.

Mm. You'll

Hey, you-you sure

Very.

you go out there

Hey!

I'll do it.

Reno! (laughs)

Hey,

you drive stick?

Uh-huh.

Hey, hey!

You're not

You're a wife, a mother

CALVIN:

uh, go home, all right?

Go.

Something is definitely

David Seymour Johnson,

first of his name, come forth.

Oh, my God.

Is this happening?

The maiden Necie hath decreed

that the size of her bridal

Her cousin Keisha

from the Woods of Ingle.

Huh?

Keisha from Inglewood.

Wilst thou do me

of joining the Groom's Watch?

Wedding is coming.

T'would be my honor, your grace.

With thy very knee

Macchiato!

(thunder rumbles)

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