Original subtitles

Captioning made possible by the U.S. Department of education

what time is it?

It's 3:00 a.M.

Go back to sleep.

You know

they say that every nine seconds a child is born

and I think today they picked our hospital to do it in.

I'm telling you, dear

babies were coming from all directions.

I was afraid to move out of the spot I was in.

I walked past a vent, and two of them came out.

I started spanking people.

By the time I got to the car

I spanked the fellow that brought the car.

I'm glad Mike Newcomb was there to help me.

How is he?

Just fine.

And guess what?

Told me he's got a new girlfriend.

He has?

And every time I bumped into him

he wanted to talk about her.

It's about time he started enjoying himself.

It's been almost two years since Marian died.

Well, I know he's serious

because he's bringing her by here tomorrow.

I certainly am glad he's happy.

And, cliff, I want you to know that if I die

you have my permission to marry again.

I have your permission?

Yes.

But you're dead.

Find someone who can make you happy and help with the kids.

Thank you.

Would you?

Would I what?

If I die, would you remarry?

We'll talk about it when it happens.

We can't talk about it then.

Okay.

No. The answer is no.

I wouldn't.

Under no circumstances, if I die

would you marry again.

You would be single forever?

Yes.

Would you date somebody?

No, I wouldn't.

Okay, 'cause I'm dead.

I'm gone.

And you're still in the bed with me?

What if you met a gorgeous, international-type beauty?

Not interested.

What if you met a woman who sang jazz?

Like Lena Horne?

And can scat.

Like Ella Fitzgerald?

You said it.

Not my type.

Well, what is your type?

You.

Okay, say you met me.

You're dead.

There's somebody out there just like me.

You're dead?

Gone.

Okay. Now, you're not coming back, are you?

Cliff, be serious.

No, I'm serious.

You're not coming back, right?

Dead.

I meet this woman

who looks exactly like you?

Exactly like me.

And you're dead?

Yes.

Oh, boy.

Okay, so then what I would do

is I would call her up

and I would ask her out on a date.

And then I would court her

and I would send her flowers and call her

and I would introduce her to the children

and then I would marry her

and bring her in here.

Would you keep my picture up?

Dear, I don't have to keep your picture up

because she looks exactly like you.

Good night, cliff.

You need some sleep.

( rock music blaring )

( man laughing wickedly )

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha!

Rrahr!

Ohh!

( unintelligible screaming )

Did we wake you?

I found it.

It had come down the hallway.

It went into my room

and then I thought it was going to eat me up!

You see

there are certain ways that I am accustomed to waking up.

Bacon-- the smell of Bacon.

The smell of coffee perking.

The twirping of birds.

I can even take the cold, wet nose of a sea lion

licking my toes.

This is what they created

so we wouldn't have to hear this in the house.

I only have one set.

Then put your heads together.

Give this music a chance.

You might get into it.

Really?

Sondra: Yeah.

Oh, what a thrill.

Is this it?

Yeah, dad, that's Clyde.

He's really talented.

I see.

Well, but he's sticking his tongue out

and tatooed on his tongue is a cactus.

If you ignore Clyde's tongue and makeup

and just listen to what he's trying to say...

what is he trying to say?

He's saying the world is closed.

The world is closed.

The world is closed.

Could they open it up and let him out?

Come on, dad.

Ahh!

What is it?

What is the matter with you?

You're not going to keep my picture up?

Yes, I'll keep your picture up.

Where will you keep it?

Out in the hallway.

Ahh!

Where?

I'll put it in the closet.

Where?

I'll put it over the bed.

A blowup over the bed.

I want a blowup there.

With lights.

Clair: Yes. Yes.

What will you do with my clothes?

I'll wear them.

I'll wear them.

Make sure she doesn't wear them.

Oh, no. No.

What will the children call her, cliff?

Lola.

Ahh!

Ow!

Listen, dear, our friend of 20 years, Mike

is coming over this afternoon.

We got to get downstairs.

I don't know.

I'm thinking about it.

Dear?

You know, you've gained weight.

Ahh!

Wait, wait, wait.

You've lost weight.

You've lost weight.

Mmm!

I'll make you some coffee.

Okay.

I made that statement under duress.

What was that?

I said, "You're the best!"

come on, Vanessa.

I don't have all day.

Then let go.

No. Now, come on.

Hey, Hey, hey

what's going on here?

Nothing. Nothing.

Why do you have your sister in a full Nelson?

Because she put shaving cream in my shoe.

Did you do that?

Yes!

Did he do something to you?

No!

Oh, well, then carry on.

Ahh!

Now, you go upstairs and clean his shoes out.

Yeah, clean them and polish them...

( doorbell )

CLIFF: Mike!

Hey, cliff. I want you to meet Nicki.

Nicki: Hi.

Nicki.

Nicki Philips.

Come on in.

Thank you.

Did you recover from last night

and Get some sleep?

Yeah, I got a little sleep.

Nicki, this guy is bad.

Mike: Bad.

Last night, he takes mrs. Somers

who delivered in 2o minutes

And he gives me mrs. Shipley

whose husband was taking pictures of everything.

He kept saying, "I missed it.

Could you do it again?"

Well, let me go get Clair.

Okay.

This is a beautiful house.

Yeah, I built it from a kit.

Are they here?

Yeah, they're here.

Well, what's she like?

She's got two arms, two legs.

Oh, come on, cliff.

She can't be that bad.

No. She's not bad at all.

Where is she?

She's sitting beside him on the sofa.

Cliff.

Cliff, that is no woman.

That's somebody's child.

Right.

Now look, we're all somebody's child.

Well, she certainly does look young.

Yes, but you're looking at her from a distance.

Well, what does she look like up close?

Younger.

Oh...

no, wait a minute.

Maybe she's from that part of russia

where they eat nothing but yogurt all the time.

Now, look at you.

Come on, you've got to behave.

No, you behave.

No, you behave.

No, you behave, because I'm not saying anything.

Well, what is that?

Well, I can't help it.

Look, we owe it to him.

We are his closest friends.

Be nice.

Give him a chance, okay?

Okay, you take the coffee

and I'll get the chocolate milk.

Behave.

Hi!

( rock music blaring )

Hey!

Hold it down up there!

THEO: Okay, dad.

I woke up to that mess this morning.

You don't like Clyde?

Cliff and Clyde aren't best friends.

It's an acquired taste.

He's great in concert.

You didn't go to a Clyde concert.

Yeah.

I got him

tickets for his birthday.

We had a great time.

Clyde, the guy with the tongue and the tattoo..?

Wait, cliff.

Listen to his LYRICS:

"in the heart of darkness, I look for the flame.

"in the sound of the wind, I listen for your name.

I stop and discover you're all things to me."

That's lovely.

It's lovely because he said the words.

Mr. Clyde says:

( yelling at the top of his lungs )

Cliff, I'm now listening to her Clyde albums

and she's listening to my miles Davis albums.

Ah, now you like that, don't you?

Not his earlier recordings.

I like his recent stuff.

I wish he would sing.

We're supposed to be

on a racquetball court in five minutes.

He's teaching me how to play.

It's nice to meet you.

Let's go out sometime.

Maybe a miles Davis concert.

I'll ask him to sing.

Oh, great!

Do me a favor and start the car.

I'll be out in a minute.

Okay. Bye.

Bye-Bye.

Listen, I should have warned you about her age

but I wanted you to meet her first.

She's a lovely person.

We wish you luck.

That's great.

Thank you, Clair.

I love you both.

Take care.

How old is Mike?

He's 53.

How old do you think she is?

Under 53.

I have to confess.

The whole time they were here

I kept looking for something wrong with her--

like maybe she was a bubble-brain.

She wasn't.

She's intelligent, and they look happy.

Who?

Mike Newcomb. He just left.

How is dr. Newcomb?

He seems to be doing pretty well.

Dr. Newcomb is 53 years old

and he's dating a very young woman.

How young?

About your age.

Really? Is it serious?

They seem compatible.

Good for him.

Would you consider dating a man that age?

If I met someone I really liked, age wouldn't matter.

What you're saying is

age has nothing to do with Happiness?

That's right.

Let me give you an example.

Suppose I died...

and your mother came home with a 19-year-old boy.

Yeah?

What do you mean, "Yeah?"

I'm dead and you can't even mourn for a tenth of a second?

You're not dead. You're sitting here.

It's a hypothetical death.

But you didn't even take time for a hypothetical mourning.

It's almost like you wish I was dead.

I don't want you to die.

You sure?

Yes!

What's the point?

I'm dead, and you have me on the sidewalk with the garbage.

You're a wonderful husband and father

But you never get to the point.

I'm trying to get to the point.

Go ahead.

If you die...

never mind.

Never mind what?

Denise!

Hey.

Denise, my friend, sit down.

I want to ask you a hypothetical question.

Okay.

All right. Now, suppose I died...

Yeah?

Boy, this is a cold family.

Hey, what's going on?

We're having a discussion.

Suppose dad died...

it would really tear me up.

My son.

Tomorrow I'm taking you out to buy you a car.

That's not fair.

You all answered the question wrong.

( noisy kiss )

I thought it was the 19-year-old.

Clair, listen to that.

What?

The sound of our children

playing at your mother and Father's house.

I've been thinking about Mike and Nicki.

They have a great relationship.

It must be wonderful to have new things to talk about.

Like what?

I don't know.

All we ever talk about are bills, report cards, work.

We are dull and Boring

and beyond words.

That's what you think, huh?

Don't you?

Come here.

I don't want you to say another word

because we are "Beyond Words."

Sit down.

( romantic jazz )

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