Original subtitles

Don't look at me like that.

You want one more stretchies? He's such a good boy.

You're such a good boy!

Yes!

He really gives it up, doesn't he?

Just for you, Sammy.

Yeah, right.

Okay, okay.

- Hey, are you alright? - Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just not meant to be that close to the ground.

Alright, I gotta get going, but I just wanna show you,

real quick.

So cute.

- You would make a good mom. - Jesus.

You're the first person that's ever said that to me.

Come on.

I mean, I have been pregnant many times, but...

How many?

You lose count after 10.

- Bye, ladies. Drink some water, Sheri! - Bye.

Fuck, I wish I could hit that note.

To my sister.

No, I can do better than that.

- To my hot-ass, newly single sister. - Hell, yeah.

Miss Tricia Marie Miller. Welcome back.

- My God. I'm going backwards. - What? No.

You're taking back your maiden name, right?

- Trish? - I mean, I haven't thought...

I don't know, I haven't thought about it yet.

Well, there's only two of us left. You gotta represent.

No. But, I mean, I've been Tricia Marie Murphy

longer than I have been Tricia Marie Miller.

Alright. Well, you can keep those monogram towels

you like so much.

Hey. I mean, Trish, come on. This is a good thing.

You're doing a good thing. This is what you wanted.

It's a change, but you look incredible.

And you're dating a bunch of guys who are way better than Rick.

I know, but I'm no one's person, Sam.

Officially, nobody needs me.

Alright, well, I'm nobody's person, and look at me.

My God. Seriously?

Sorry, I can't help it.

Hey, we're supposed to be celebrating, right?

Look, look, look. We got our CCQ.

We got our salsa, our chips, our margarinis.

It's just, it's a new beginning.

You want some chips? You want some CCQ?

- No. - No?

Okay, I guess I'll party by myself then.

Just take this hot cheese

and put it in my mouth and see what happens.

Gross.

Tricia, this is so good.

Put it in your mouth. Just like this. Crunch, crunch, crunch.

- Crunch, crunch. Crunch, crunch. - Sam, quit.

- Crunch, crunch. Crunch, crunch. - Stop.

Come on. Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch.

- Jesus. - Come here. Come here, have a chip.

My God, why are you such a child?

- What is your problem? - I can't help it.

Welcome back.

You'll be okay.

My God. It's still light out.

- Alright, what you wanna do next? - Yeah.

Rock-A-Belly? Auntie Mae's?

Well, I have to go back to work.

- Come on. - I have a ton of stuff to do. I know.

Alright. Where you parked?

Excuse me?

Whose is this?

- She's mine. - Fuck off.

Are you serious?

Yes!

Tricia! Who paid for it?

It's a little divorce present to me from my 'Cunt' pillows.

Holy shit!

Damn, that's a lot of cunts!

- Congratulations. - Thank you!

Yeah, you're welcome.

Hey, so I need you to go pick up that check

from Iceland out at the farm tomorrow.

What? No!

Come on, Tricia, we agreed you're gonna do that.

- Sam, I am too busy! - Come on, we're having fun!

- Tricia, come on! - No!

I'm not doing it! I don't like him.

He's weird, he barely talks, and, you know, he smells.

- Not my problem. - No, just go up there,

grab the check, and be on your way. It is not a big deal.

- It's easy. Just do it. - Tricia.

I don't wanna see some weirdo

walking around our house in his boxer shorts.

- It feels weird. - My God.

He's always fully dressed.

- Come on, grow up. - No.

- I'm not growing up, I'm not going. - Sam.

- I'm not going. - It is time.

- Sorry... - Go.

- Your problem... - Go!

Not my problem!

I just got divorced, Sam.

Why...

Why you gotta try to manipulate me right now?

You know I'm drunk.

Fine. I'll go, okay?

Thank you. Thank you.

Fuck...

Do you want a ride home? I think you drank most of that pitcher.

I guess I did, didn't I?

A ride maybe in this?

How do you feel about luxury?

I don't know, I've never had any luxury before.

You're gonna love it.

My God. This does not feel safe.

My God.

You look like a little potato!

Alright.

- Work your magic. - Well, this is a lot.

Well, that's what assistants are for.

Tricia, I thought we weren't gonna use that word.

Why don't you come in and watch me go through these?

No thanks. I think I've had enough fun for one night.

Come on.

- I can make you a roadie. - Nah.

My God, are you giggling?

No.

You back in business?

I'm back in business.

- Is it Shorty or Lispy? - Neither. New guy.

You slut!

- I mean, not a slut. - Well, I know what you meant.

Yeah, just a promiscuous woman about town.

- That's a compliment though, right? - Alright, stay safe out there.

- Alright, see you later! - Yeah.

Alright. What are you gonna do now?

Margarini?

Ooh, margarini...

Margarini!

Looks like I missed all the fun.

- You did. - Well then, what am I gonna do with these?

That's okay. I can find a home for 'em.

Is this okay?

- Yeah. - Just ignore that sale sticker.

Sammy! Sammy! We're almost done!

It's three to three, okay? We just gotta play the rubber match!

Copy that!

What is he talking about?

I have no idea.

- What are these? - Scotcheroos!

Sold. What do I owe you?

You can just have 'em. It's friends and family discount.

- No, no. - Yeah.

No friends and family when it comes to God. Come on.

Well. Let me break it for you.

No, come on. Keep the change for your buddy Jesus.

It's the least I can do.

Hey! You made it.

Sam was just insisting on overpaying for a plate of rejects.

What are you, some kinda Rockefeller?

- Yes, I am. - Okay, fun.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to address this.

Jordan? Jordan.

Remember, we talked about this?

You need to wring that out before you wipe another thing down.

My God in Heaven. This one's gonna kill me.

- Real taskmaster. - Well, he has a very specific process.

- So, did you guys have a nice turnout? - Yeah, actually, we did.

I mean, it was mainly just parents

buying back stuff that they actually baked,

but it was good. How are those?

- Fucking delicious. I can't stop myself. - Alright.

- So... - So?

I have some big news.

What? Don't tell me you're pregnant.

No.

I got an offer on my house.

Didn't you just list it?

Yeah, last week.

Well, that's promising, right? First offer already in. Exciting.

Well, I'm gonna take it.

Because it's a really good deal.

That's what my real estate agent said. 'Cause it's an all-cash offer,

so that means it's a quick closing. It's these...

It's these rich people from Kansas City.

They're buying it for their kid who's gonna go to school.

It's, I guess, the one perk of living next to campus.

Yeah. Well, you know what? That's great. We gotta celebrate.

Yeah, we'll do 'tinis or something.

Yeah, load 'em up.

And you're cool with it, right?

- Like, you're happy for it? - Of course, I'm cool with it.

I'm happy for you. It's great.

'Cause I've...

I've loved doing the rental stuff with you.

Come on. I'm wealthy and retired. Don't give it another thought.

- Who won? - She did. She let me lose.

Well, we gotta celebrate. What are you guys doing now?

You wanna go to The Chef? Plus-ones allowed?

We got this couples fantasy football thing.

We are killing the competition.

- Come on, babe. We gotta go. - Alright.

I'll call you guys, and we'll get something in the books, okay?

- Okay. Later! - Yep.

Well, what about you guys? Let's go to The Chef.

The thing is we just have to drop all of these leftovers

- at the senior center. - Joel, do you know where the...

tape and marker went so I can label these?

Yeah, it's in the off...

- I'll just go get it. - Okay.

Do you wanna come with us?

No, no, come on. You guys do your thing.

Okay. Well, call me.

Of course. I call you all the fucking time.

- Okay. - Yeah!

- Thanks for stopping by. - Yeah.

Hi, this is Mary

calling you from Tender Loving Care Animal Shelter.

- Hi. - Could you hold, please?

Hi, there! Can I help you?

Yeah, hi, I was just driving by, and I wanted to meet some dogs.

Just gimme a minute to wrap this up, and I can show you around.

Okay, great.

Hi, thank you so much for holding.

A rottweiler? Yeah, I know.

Great, so we can expect you at 2:30 tomorrow?

Sounds perfect, and we'll see you there.

Yeah, you can bring the family in, too. Everyone can come in and get acquainted.

For next week, come stop by to see Sarah...

So, not sure what you're looking for.

I think maybe one of the little guys. I'm kinda scared of the big poops.

Great, we keep our puppies, kittens, and smaller dogs in here.

Is that Pepper?

- I recognize you from the website. - Yeah.

Yeah, definitely doesn't love being here.

- It's okay. - But, she's a real sweetheart.

- Yeah. - Would you like to hold her?

I would. Yeah.

You can grab her if you want.

Okay. Hi. Hi, sweetie.

Hi. Hi.

My goodness! My goodness.

Look at her.

- See? She's a sweetheart. - Yeah!

I'll give you two a minute to get acquainted.

Okay.

What is it? What is it?

What is it? Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, just...

Little Pepper.

You're just relaxing? Yeah.

Yeah.

Look at all the kitty cats.

You wanna go play with the kitty cats?

You like it right here? Yeah.

I like you.

Can I ask you a question?

Do you like fantasy football?

No. It's stupid, right?

Do you like cheese?

You're so fluffy.

That Pepper is...

a really special little girl.

Yeah. If I didn't already have a house full,

she'd be coming home with me.

Well...

I'm gonna think about it.

Why don't you take one of these applications,

just in case?

Okay.

I really appreciate your time. This is...

- It was really... I loved it. - No problem. Have a good one.

Are you sure you're okay with my day-to-day dishes?

Absolutely. Mine are all chipped from the renters anyway.

- Animals. - I know.

Now, I know that you were on the fence about the spice rack.

No, I wasn't! It's a family heirloom! No, it has to stay.

- Really? Okay, wonderful. - Yeah.

But, what do you think about pictures on the fridge?

Like...

Like with magnets?

- It doesn't matter. It's not important. - No, it's...

That's not important.

Now, I have my baking dishes here.

- Like a museum! - I know, right?

But I could stack 'em and make room for other items.

No, don't you dare stack CorningWare.

My God, I was hoping you would say that.

Okay, so I think, I think the only thing

I need a place for is my Vitamix.

Okay, how big is it?

What about just right here on the counter?

You know, it's got the plug and everything.

- I've hit a nerve, haven't I? - It... I just...

I don't put

appliances on the counters,

other than, you know, my coffeemaker

because I use it every day. But, you know what? I can.

Brad, are we having our first fight?

This isn't a fight. This is all a part of the fun.

And I am here for all of it.

Okay, me, too.

- Hey, Sam! - Hey.

What are you doing here?

I came by to pick up my credit card tips.

Okay. Just one sec.

- Hey, Sher. - Hey, Sammy.

- How you doing? - Pretty good, how are you?

Never better.

- There you go. - Thank you.

Nice.

So are you still looking for somebody to do your Tuesdays and Thursdays?

'Cause I think I can do it.

Really?

- Yeah. - That would be great.

I haven't been to any of Lauren's games.

Well, we can't have that, can we?

But I will quit if she loses, so...

She's not gonna fuckin' lose.

Alright, let me put it in the cal then.

Hey, are you cheating on Roscoe?

I would never cheat on Roscoe.

I like to look at fluffy shit sometimes,

- you know? - Yeah, fluffy. Fluffy.

I think I'm gonna just get the eggs Benedict.

I'm gonna get the crab cake Benedict.

Nah, I'm getting the Florentine frittata! Come on.

- With the gravy? - Yes, of course, load it up.

- Fred? - And can I get the egg white omelet?

Okay.

- And do you have any broccoli back there? - Sure do.

- And what kind of cheese? - Great. No cheese.

Just toast. Wheat or anything with sprouts.

- You got it. - There you go. Thanks.

Are we doing French toast for the table?

- Absolutely. - Absolutely.

No, no, no. No, we're good.

No, no, please bring it.

- Okay. - Don't

- 'We're good'? - Yeah, also,

I've never heard you say the word 'broccoli' before.

Okay, look, it's not my fault, alright?

Susie made me go to the doctors.

I hadn't been in years, and you guys know that doctors really aren't my thing.

Same.

I just gotta, like, ease up on the junk

- and get the body moving, you know? - Yeah.

It's a use it or lose it kind of situation.

I love that.

- We're here to support in any way we can. - Thank you.

Yeah, alright.

Well, thank you, Joel. I appreciate that.

Because I promised Susie no more Chef.

'No more Chef'?

- What do you mean? - I know. I know.

- Come on... - You two can go,

but just don't tell me about it, okay?

No, come on. This is, like, the best part of my week!

It's the only time I see you guys!

Well, I thought of that, and I came up with a great solution.

- Jeez. - Alright, now like I said,

I like to get the body moving,

and you know I love sports.

So, we're gonna take this party and bring it over to Catch Club.

That's right. Little enthusiasm, please.

All's you need is a glove and a great attitude.

Well, I don't have either one of those.

Come on! You're gonna love it!

Come on, it's gonna make you feel good! What do you say?

- You in? - Okay.

What, you have a glove?

No, but I have the internet.

- There you are. - My God. God bless you.

Yes, a little syrup... Fred, what are you doing?

What? I can't help myself! I got no brakes on the car!

Come on! Get that...

- I'm worried about Fred. - Really? Why?

I don't know. Maybe he's not telling us the whole story.

God, he's fine. Besides, Susan's all over it.

She's not gonna let him do anything fun.

- Sam. - Sorry.

When's the last time you went to a doctor?

I don't know. Maybe '96?

- What? Why? - Don't worry about it.

Got about 45 missed calls from Tricia.

- Do you care? - No.

Sam, call me, please.

Did you get the rent check for Mom and Dad?

It has to be in by the first of the month or her nursing home payment will bounce.

- Call me! - Oops. Oopsies.

What happened?

Nothing. Just Tricia being Tricia.

Alright. You don't have to watch me do this.

Okay.

I wish I had a dollar to tip ya.

Can I offer you something to drink?

No, no, I'm good, thanks.

I like what you've done with the place.

Thank you.

You know, we could just set up direct deposit if that's easier.

This is easier.

You sound like my dad.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

Wesley?

Come on.

You must really love him if you're giving him steak.

Well, he's a really good dog.

Hey. Hi.

Hi.

- I'll show you out. - No, no, it's okay.

- I know where I'm going. - No, no, no, no.

You know, is this weird? With all these pictures?

I can take some of 'em with me if you want.

No. I like them.

- Make up stories about them. - Really?

Okay, how about this one?

Mom?

Overachiever. Perfectionist.

Well, that's not fair. You've met her.

And how 'bout her?

Sweet. Thoughtful.

Kleptomaniac.

You're actually... That was good.

And how 'bout that one?

Well, I'm still kinda working on that one.

Well, yeah, she's a piece of work.

Okay. I gotta get outta here.

Thanks. Thanks for the check.

Well, look, if you need anything else

my name is on that list of contacts by the phone.

I'm Sam.

Víglundur Hjartarson.

I don't think I'm smart enough for that one.

Okay.

So, Iceland, right?

Yes.

Are those Northern Lights, like, really a thing?

Yes.

That's cool.

I'll have to check 'em out sometime, I guess.

I mean, I've never... I've never been to Europe,

but I've been to Nebraska, so...

Okay.

- Trish! - One sec!

I got the check.

Gonna put it right there for you.

Hi.

- So, you got the check? - Yeah, it's right over there.

Okay. He's so weird and smelly.

He doesn't smell, Tricia. God.

Well, he looks like he smells!

You look good.

Thank you.

- I feel good. - Yeah?

Yeah. Like, really good.

Like, I think I'm done feeling sorry for myself.

You know, life is too short.

- Good. - Why do it, you know?

I'm gonna manifest the change. And in fact, I've already started.

Because what did I want? A successful business.

Done! Check. I wanted an Escalade.

Done, check. And now, I...

Hello!

Alright, just one sec.

Okay.

Cute.

I'm thinking 'Trading Spaces' maybe tonight.

- What do you think? - No, no, I have a date.

What do you mean you have a date? We had plans.

Well, I mean, we did have plans, but now we don't because I have a date.

- Since when? - Since, like, an hour ago.

My God, Tricia.

What? You want me to be happy and have fun.

- Of course, I do. - Just don't worry about it.

So, there's chicken enchiladas I made for you.

They're warming in the oven. Just use a mitt.

And then, there's those Skinny Cows in the freezer,

and if you eat them on the couch, just, you know,

- use a napkin. Yeah. Okay. - Use a napkin. I know.

- Have fun! - What are you...

- You're leaving like right now? - Yeah. Don't wait up.

Tricia, I just poured you a glass of wine!

You can have it.

- I don't like Pinot Grigio! - Bye!

Fuck.

- Hey, Mary. - Hi, there.

- Remember me? - Yeah.

Well...

I'm going for it. I came back for Pepper.

I did the application. I have the treats. I don't...

I don't know what else I need, but I...

- Shoot. - 'Shoot' what?

Well, she got adopted.

She did?

- Well, that's great, right? - Yeah.

She's gonna be well taken care of.

Yeah, well, that's good.

I mean, she's probably better off anyway, right?

Hey, don't say that.

I can take you back again if you wanna see who else we have.

No, I'm gonna go.

- Take care, Sam. - Thanks.

What?

Okay.

Hey! God. Hold on one second.

No! You're not supposed to touch 'em until they're crisp and brown on one side!

- Those are not crisp and brown! - Okay.

I'm sorry. We're making mushroom Bourguignon.

- There's a lot of steps. - Fancy.

Is it Sam?

- Hi, Sam! Hi! - Hi, Brad.

It sounds like you guys got your hands full over there.

Sorry. Yes, we kinda do.

Can I call you a little bit later?

Yep. Just checking in.

Okay, great, thank you. Sorry! Bye-bye.

Okay.

Come on.

Alright.

Fuck.