Original subtitles

♪ I was an up-and-comer On a summer night ♪

♪ And in the midst Of the crowd ♪

♪ I thought she looked right ♪

♪ I had a moment's reflection That I tried to hide ♪

♪ But I was bitten by the bug And I wasn't shy ♪

♪ So, I slid up between her And I saw her face ♪

♪ And I was so close That I was blown away ♪

♪ She had a dangerous side That I was trying to fade ♪

♪ As I was locked in The crystal shine Of her gaze ♪

♪ I let the night take off Where it had to go ♪

♪ I wanted one thing now And I know it showed ♪

♪ She had a big look down ♪

♪ Before she said "Let's go" ♪

♪ I heard a voice It was soft and low ♪

♪ I want you In my velvet dream ♪

♪ I wanna feel you kissing me ♪

♪ I want the depth Of your desire ♪

♪ I want that high That takes you higher ♪

♪ I want the place You never knew ♪

♪ That's buried Deep inside of you ♪

♪ I want you In my velvet dream ♪

♪ I wanna feel you kissing me ♪

♪ I want the depth Of your desire ♪

♪ I want that high That takes you higher ♪

♪ When you let go Of all that's true ♪

♪ Then I'm gonna break you ♪

♪ The twisted turning Of a really hungry mind ♪

♪ Makes this kind of hurting Seem almost divine ♪

♪ Anything worth anything Has a price ♪

♪ And she's all too willing ♪

♪ It's in her eyes ♪

♪ So, I lift her up Into a new sky ♪

♪ And she tells me ♪

♪ She feels like She's gonna die ♪

♪ "It's okay," I say "You're gonna leave behind" ♪

♪ "Everything before Is your former life" ♪

♪ When you let go Of all that's true ♪

♪ Then I'm gonna break you ♪

♪ Break you, gonna break you ♪

♪ Then I'm gonna break you ♪

...stay at home. It's dangerous out here.

This should serve as a cautionary tale to everyone in the area.

On Tuesday morning, a sixth woman was found dead in her apartment.

We need to find this guy and we aren't leaving this neighborhood until we do.

All the cases do seem to be linked.

The victim, a 24-year-old graduate student

at the University of Boulder.

The killer struck again last night.

Please, just murder me now.

No, seriously, put me out of my misery. Ugh.

Blow it out! Blow it out!

Okay, okay, okay, here we go.

- Come on! - Whoo!

I love you guys. You had way better 30ths.

Oh, what could be better than this?

Yeah, we are here to celebrate you the way you deserve.

There's literally nowhere else I'd rather be.

- Come on, speech! - Speech! Speech!

All right, all right, if you'll stop chanting, please.

Well, I thought that turning 30 this year, of all years,

was, um...

was gonna feel pretty shitty.

It's the year that Jake unceremoniously dumped me

after eight very mediocre years together.

The year I made absolutely no progress

toward an actual career...

Mmm! Working for me is a career.

...or in my personal life.

But... now, here I am, surrounded by all of you,

my best friends in the entire world,

and I can see that...

...I was absolutely right. This completely fucking sucks.

- Let's get drunk! - Whoo!

I don't know if I've told you lately,

but I love you so much.

- I love you. - I just really love you.

And you know what? I have a feeling

that you're gonna meet your husband this year.

I just know that you are. I know it!

And then, we're gonna have babies at the same time.

And we're gonna... Look at me.

And we're gonna name them after each other,

and we're gonna breastfeed together,

and our nipples are gonna get chafed together.

- Whoa! - What?

- They're gonna get chafe-y. - Okay, wow.

I can't believe I'm about to say this,

but I think Bride of Jaägerbombs has a point.

Wait a second. You are the most anti-marriage person I know.

But you know, maybe it's time that you get back out there.

- Like, how long has it been? Eight months? - Mmm, I don't know.

Yeah, like, in three days. Yeah. Right.

Get on the apps, get Jake out of your head,

and get on some new dick, baby. No! No, no!

I would not be going anywhere near any apps right now.

Not with all this serial killer shit happening.

Oh, my God, have you been listening to Mark My Murder?

- Oh, my God, yes. It is so good. - Yeah, I know.

I cannot wait for the next episode.

That probably means somebody dies.

- Is that too dark? - Yeah.

- Completely, but I'm right there with you. - No, but seriously, Robin,

all the victims so far have been single women that lived alone,

and all went on dates from apps, so...

I'm not going to sit at home for the rest of my life on the off chance

that some dude from the Internet

- is going to murder me. - Okay.

You know what? I'm just not ready yet.

And it's not because I'm afraid of a serial killer.

It's more because I'm afraid of having my heart stomped on

by an insecure narcissist with a mustache.

Again.

- Oh! Uh-oh. - Not on me.

Swallow it. Swallow.

- Turn away! - Someone take me potty!

Go, go!

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

- Attagirl. - Oh, God.

- Kel. - Yeah?

Are you okay?

I mean, this is really out of character for you.

It's fine.

- I'm going to be fine. - Okay.

Oh!

All right.

I really liked these shoes.

All right, come on.

Hey, Mark My Murder listeners.

We started this podcast two months ago, when this whole murder spree started,

and there's still one thing all the crime scenes have in common:

no sign of forced entry. He didn't break in.

They let him in.

I mean, clearly, as we've said,

it's the date that's doing it.

It's gotta be.

Ladies, keep your friends close

and your Tinder dates in public where there are witnesses.

So, every good serial killer needs a name.

- Oh, yeah. - We did a bunch of brainstorming,

and we've landed on a name. And I must say, it's a pretty good name.

Drumroll.

The Swipe Right Killer.

It's dark...

Stupid mustache.

Valerie?

Surprise!

Happy birthday!

What are you doing?

I could have killed you!

How did you know it was me?

You are the only person I know who smells like baby vomit

and essential oils.

It is intoxicating, isn't it?

Well, I came to give you your card,

but then I saw an opportunity to teach you a lesson.

Of course.

A hide-a-key rock? Jesus, Eva!

What? I lose my keys a lot.

Do you always carry a full face mask with you

or just when you're coming to break into my house?

Well, no. I wear it on the bus to deter muggers.

- Weird. - Effective.

Speaking of crime deterrence...

"I hope your birthday is Tricera-Tops."

It was the only one I had lying around. Just look inside.

An appointment confirmation for an "Armored Guardian Security" system?

Oh, absolute top-of-the-line. You are welcome.

No. I do not need a security system. That is ridiculous.

Look, it was different when you were living with Jake,

but with this whole Swipe Right Killer thing?

Wait, you listen to Mark my Murder?

Yeah, of course I do.

I was basically a profiler before I had kids.

Background screening analysis for an insurance company

isn't exactly the same as criminal profiling.

- But whatever. - Or is it?

Look, I am not judging you for living alone.

You have to be realistic about the risks out there right now, Eva.

I mean, the world... Can...

...is dangerous.

Okay, can you... Stop, stop, stop.

Please stop cleaning up, all right?

All of this is temporary, okay?

I just truly think that Jake needs to go and pretend he likes yoga,

go down on a few baristas,

and then he is going to realize what he threw away.

Oh, no. Okay.

- Stop right there. - What? What?

I had a feeling this is what was going on.

What do you mean what's going on?

Who is this hot person?

Scroll.

Okay, why is Jake with her?

What is happening?

They're engaged? How? How?

It's been eight months. How does this even happen?

This is... Who is she?

Another cop on his team.

Wait. "Team" isn't right.

Squad? What are groups of cops called?

Bastards.

Well, let's not get political.

I am such an idiot.

I spent nearly a decade with a total fucking loser,

and you are telling me it only took him eight months

to commit his entire life to somebody else?

Yeah, pretty much.

I mean, for the last eight years,

I haven't done anything I wanted to do.

Nothing.

You know I haven't traveled

because he was too afraid to be on an airplane?

You know, I didn't buy a car

because he told me it was too easy to die in one.

Did you know I didn't go to nursing school

because he convinced me that I'm afraid of blood?

Yeah, I know, it's insane.

Did you know I've never even had a one-night stand?

I have never had a one-night stand.

Well, probably because the one one-night stand

I thought I was having turned into three kids, a minivan

and a husband who has been finishing the basement

for five years.

I am just glad that you made better life decisions.

No, Valerie, I haven't made any decisions.

For my entire 20s, I have just let shit happen to me.

Well...

I'm not in my 20s anymore.

Eva, no.

Valerie, thank you.

- You have given me a gift. - What?

Thank you so much for my security system.

Really thoughtful of you.

But I am pushing you out now.

- I will talk to you soon. - Don't do anything crazy...

And I love you!

♪ We're gonna make a profile We're gonna make a profile ♪

I know. Hurry, come in, before I change my mind.

- Okay. - I got you, boo.

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it ♪

All right.

Now, we just need to take some pics.

Oh, yes, okay.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Of your face.

Of your face. Yeah, like...

Okay, well, I don't know what people are doing these days.

- Well, they're smiling. - Okay.

- Since, like, 1930. - Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just go a little higher, maybe.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Good. - Can I see? Can I see?

- Yeah. - Are you... No.

I look maniacal. Please delete that.

- Maniacal is hot. - Oh.

- Yeah. - Okay, well, keep it then.

And now, we just need to write you a bio.

Oh, God. Okay.

It's chill. It's just like some cute, little, low-key details about yourself.

Like, what is your darkest, most intimate sexual fantasy?

Mmm. No, I can't disclose that so early on.

- Eva! - What?

This is a magical sex rectangle.

You can get anything you want.

- Hmm. - In here.

Like, uh, do you want to go to a BDSM club

with a dom who dresses like a party clown on weekends?

- Not really. - Or get foot pics from a CPA who wears adult diapers?

No, that doesn't really sound like me.

Or... Oh.

- Do you want to get double penetrated... - Ow.

...by two roommates who tell everybody that they're stepbrothers?

Well, that all seems extremely specific.

All right. Uh, done.

Mmm...

- Ready? - I don't know.

- I don't know. I don't know. - Hey. We don't have to do this tonight.

No, I know. I know.

Uh... No. Yes, we do.

- Yeah? - Yes, we do.

I do not want to waste another ten years. Okay?

I want to feel like I am calling the shots of my own life.

So, yes! Press it! Upload it! I'm ready for this!

Yes!

Let's get you that feeling.

Wait, wait-wait-wait, wait-wait, wait-wait.

Aren't I supposed to be doing this?

No, this is just like a secret trick,

where you swipe right on everybody,

and then you sort through the piles of messages.

Oh, that is a good trick. But can you slow down?

- That looks like a lot of swiping. - Shut up...

...and enjoy the sex rectangle.

Sex tangle?

Oh, why didn't I think of that?

- Good. - Very good!

Oh...

This is a lot of dudes. Here we go.

Oh, my God, you're beautiful.

Huh. "Thank you."

I have a huge boner just looking at you.

Uh-uh.

Eva, great to meet you. What's your credit score?

Hmm.

Did you know there are 13 million kangaroos in Australia?

"No."

Wait. Did we go to middle school together?

Kyle C.?

Eva V.?

Looking for a daddy?

Oh! Wait.

Kyle? Kyle? Where did you go?

What? No!

Profile deleted? You were just there.

On your knees?

It's not an MLM.

I'd love to show you my penis.

Ah!

"Your place... or mine?"

All right, a few more clues about the Swipe Right Killer.

So, cops are saying he might have,

like, a background or a specialty in forensic science

because dude is leaving behind zero evidence.

But what does that even mean?

I mean there's no hair,

no fingerprints, no blood, no semen.

Okay, all right. Wow.

Here's the other weird thing.

He also appears to enjoy a nice rosé.

- Oh... - Yeah.

Empty bottles have been found inside each victim's home.

Oh, man, do you think he's bringing the wine or is it theirs?

Oh, he's got it from my mom's car, for sure.

Lady loves wine.

They haven't found any glasses at the scene,

so it's not like they're pouring wine and then sipping it. So, I don't know.

Does he drink it right out of the bottle

and then wipe it down while he looks at the body?

Ugh, that is some twisted shit.

The whole thing is nasty.

Could you imagine being on a date, just trying to have fun with some dude,

having wine together, and then...

Okay. Where is this place?

Okay. You got this.

Mitch.

Oh.

What? I don't look like my photos?

No. Yeah. Yes, you definitely do.

I just thought that we were meeting at your place.

Well, it just so happens that we are.

I just bought it.

That's a very good line.

So, based on my expertise,

it seems that you have a long love line.

- Mmm. Wait. - If you look over here...

Do you not have fingerprints?

Oh, yeah. Um, kitchen accidents.

You know, you get burnt all the time.

Oh. Cost of doing business.

That makes sense.

So, if you take a look at your love line,

which seems to run nicely into your sex line.

Okay, my sex line?

All right, I'm starting to think that

this might all be a little bullshitty.

No, I... I believe this.

Oh. Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I'm just fucking with you.

Oh.

- But does it really matter? - No. No.

No!

I am so sorry. Excuse me.

Yeah, just one second.

Hey, Valerie.

That is my hat that I've been looking for.

And what are you doing here?

I have totally been wanting to try this place.

Valerie.

Okay, I might have put a tracking app on your phone.

Again? You promised me last time... Whatever.

You were acting so weird last night that I just had this gut...

No. You need to stop right now.

This is the line and you have catapulted over it.

Well, don't you think that having no fingerprints

is a huge freaking red flag?

Do you have supersonic hearing?

Statistically speaking, the chances are infinitely low

that any guy I ever meet on this planet

will be a serial killer.

Really? And where did you read that statistic?

I read that on the Internet. Wikipedia, actually.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

- Is everything okay over here? - Uh, yeah.

Eva, do you know this woman?

This woman?

I'm her sister, and I am a young woman.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Uh-uh. I'm leaving. Stop.

- Oh. - Yeah, and I want you to come home with me.

- No! - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Strange man who I just met on a random dating app,

who I've only known for one hour,

would you like to come home with me?

- You are not... - Yes. Yes, I am.

- Mitch, come on, bud, let's go. - I have to close the bar.

You really killed my momentum. Can't somebody else do that?

- Absolutely, yes. - Great.

And, Valerie,

do not ever, ever, ever pull this shit again.

I am serious.

- Stop it. - You stop it!

Go home!

You go home!

- Not with him! - Take care! Your drink's on the house.

Oh! Oh! Sorry!

You okay? It's okay. I don't care.

That was amazing!

- You lasted so long! - Ten minutes?

Yeah, and I felt like a lot of the focus was on me,

which was new. It was nice.

Good.

And that thing you were doing at the end?

I've never had that happen before.

Am I allowed to ask you to leave?

I just don't feel like I'm ready for a sleepover yet.

I snore a little. I sweat a lot.

Have you ever heard of night terrors? Because it's pretty scary if you're...

You know what? Um, I get it. It's all good.

Okay.

You should call me sometime.

Seriously.

I'd love to see you again.

Maybe I will.

Okay.

I'll take it.

Hey, do you want me to call you a car or...

- Nope, I'm good. - Is that what people say?

Okay, bye.

Well, you were wrong. I'm still alive. Ha!

Huh.

Kyle C. is back.

You've got to be realistic

about the risks out there right now, Eva.

I mean, the world is dangerous.

Ah!

Shit. Coming!

Hi. Come in.

Hi. I'm Norman from Armored Guardian Security,

here for your evaluation.

Please, come all the way in.

As you can see, I've...

I've recently upgraded my security system.

Yeah, we're gonna do a little better than that.

Yeah.

My place doesn't normally look like this.

- Sure. - Yeah.

I'm going through a... transformational phase.

No judgment. You do you.

Oh, that's a cool ant farm.

Oh, they're actually all dead.

Oh, that's sad.

But I'm planning on getting more.

I found a ant breeder on Craigslist.

I just emailed her, so I should hear back from her soon.

Oh. That's not weird at all.

So, you must be

getting a lot of calls these days for installations.

You know, with all the murders in the news.

Oh, yeah, totally.

It's bad for the world, but awesome for business.

I wish I could get a look at those crime scenes, though.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm... I'm doing night classes in forensics.

- Oh. - I'm looking to eventually solve crimes,

not just gently discourage them.

Like a detective?

- A medical examiner, actually. - Nice.

Good for you.

So, do you want to do this?

What are we doing?

The security walk-through?

Yes. Of course.

Hi!

Here, got you a soda.

- Oh, thank you. - Yeah.

- Oh. It's good. - What are you doing?

Oh, just measuring the windows and, you know,

getting everything just the way we want it.

- Great. I'll be in here. - Okay.

They just found a species of all-female ants

that actually reproduce by cloning themselves.

- I mean, that's just amazing to me. - Wow.

Who needs men?

- I do. - Oh, thank God.

I mean for all men.

I mean... Yeah.

Anyway, um...

I'll send the estimate to your sister,

and assuming all looks good, how's Thursday?

- Perfect. - Amazing.

Love Thursdays.

All right. Okay.

Um, yeah.

At the risk of losing my job for blatant unprofessionalism,

um, maybe we could do something after the installation?

Like a date?

Yeah. Like a date.

Yeah, I will. I do.

I mean, I'm sorry, I don't even know what I...

- It's a yes? - Yes, it's a yes.

Yeah, amazing.

All right, so, uh...

So, I'll, uh... I'll see you Thursday.

- Yes. - Okay.

- All right. - Yeah.

- Lock the door behind you. - Okay.

- Bye. - See ya.

Yes!

Still got it.

There's one thing I keep coming back to.

It's been bugging me from the beginning.

- The first victim, Kayla Gardner, strangled! - Right!

Right. But they don't really talk about it.

Like, everybody since then has been stabbed.

Yeah, is it just like any other fetish

and you gotta keep escalating things?

You start with strangling,

next up is stabbing, and then what comes after that?

Let me pitch you something.

All right, hit me.

What if she wasn't

actually one of the victims? Ooh!

Yes! What if the rosé in the house

was a coincidence and it's a fluke?

Oh, coincidental rosé.

Have we been looking at this all wrong?

What?

Okay, I mean, are these people engaged?

Are they mother and son? I'm so confused.

So, how was your date with Mitch?

- Is he... - Hot? Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's, like, mind-numbing. You have...

No. No, is he marriage material?

I don't know. I just met the guy.

Whoa.

Oh, my God. Okay. Wow.

So, this is the special portrait that you want for Brad.

All right, I was half expecting tasteful nudes, but okay.

No, sometimes I like to put it on

just to remember how amazing that day was.

And this way, he'll remember it too.

Yeah. I mean, you do have, like, 20 wedding albums.

- Just take the picture. - Okay.

You've actually never let me touch this before,

but it's kind of exciting. So, let's do it.

What could go wrong?

So, how about Mitch?

Oh, my God. He's crazy good in bed.

- No, Eva, you didn't. - What? Kelly.

Men don't marry one-night stands.

That is so outdated, and it's also not true

because Valerie, she married her one-night stand.

Well, okay, don't even get me started on that.

There's a reason there's no maternity section in bridal stores.

Well, speaking of Valerie, she gave me a security system, which, I know,

it's the most Valerie thing ever.

But the guy who came over to do the walk-through,

- I mean, he's really cute. - Oh...

- What? - No, the BTK Killer installed alarms.

Oh, this is so random, but do you remember

Kyle Callaghan from middle school?

Yeah, the guy, he was... He would always pick his nose.

Okay, well, we matched online on my birthday.

And get this, he just moved his vet practice here to Boulder

after six years in France.

And he's a widower.

Sad, but at least we know he's single.

Exactly. And we have a date tonight.

Oh, my God, Eva. This is your guy.

I have a good feeling about this. Kelly.

This is the "you and Kyle and me and Brad sharing a retirement lake house" guy.

- Take a breath. - Okay. But just promise me

you'll give him a fair shot, please?

I am going into this totally open-minded.

Okay, but your mind is all that should be open.

Nothing... Nothing else.

- Okay. - Three dates. No sex. Okay?

- Promise me. - Fine.

Three dates. No sex. That's easy.

No hand jobs. No blow jobs.

No... No jobbing of any kind.

- Okay? - Yeah, Kelly, I hear you.

Let's see the pictures.

Yes! I killed this.

- Oh. - Oh...

Maybe Brad will like that one.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hi.

Are you Sheryl?

You look nothing like your...

No. I'm Sheryl.

Oh, wow. You look even better than your pictures.

Why, thank you. Shall we?

Yeah.

So happy I could help you two find each other.

Eva?

- Kyle! - Eva Beava! Oh, my goodness!

Hi! I... Oh. I... Come on, get in here.

I don't really think anyone ever called me that, but...

- I did. - Why?

I mean, wow, you look so much different

than how I remember you.

Well, hopefully that's a good thing.

- Oh, yes. - You too. You look so good.

Thank you. Yeah.

I mean, what's it been, like, 525,600 minutes? Huh?

- Uh, yeah. Something like that, I think. - Right?

We were in Rent together, in high school, you silly goose.

- Right. - Come on.

Ow. Uh, yeah. No, I remember. I remember.

- Yeah. I had the braces and stuff. - Yeah. Yeah, you did.

Yeah, no, it sucked.

But now, I've got some hair on my chest.

- Congratulations. - Yeah.

Hopefully that's a good thing.

Honestly, I could go either way.

All right, I'll take my chances.

Oh... That is, uh...

You could probably, like, braid that

if you wanted to. Just...

Sorry.

Probably could, but it's a little weird.

Um, do you wanna go to the table?

- Yeah, I would. - Yeah.

You're a veterinarian now.

- Yeah. - That's cool.

- Uh, do you love it? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Animals are just so compliant, you know?

- Really? - You just give them a little anesthesia,

- and they'll do whatever you want. - Oh.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. That's vet humor.

Ah.

But yes, I love being a veterinarian.

I believe every pet deserves the best care.

- Aw. - Buongiorno.

Can I start you off with some drinks tonight?

First off, I believe it's pronounced "bonjour."

But, um, what do you think?

We'll just split a bottle of rosé?

- Yeah? - Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yes. That... That sounds great.

One bottle of rosé. Thank you.

So, you... Do you like rosé or...

Yeah.

Ah.

This whole online dating scene, it's just...

it's a hell pit.

Ah. Yeah, it's...

Hence why I deleted my profile.

- Mmm. - Yeah.

I actually only reactivated it

so that I could, uh, message you.

Really?

- Yeah, really. - Oh.

But I'm back off the apps now, and I just...

I don't know, thought I'd see how this works out.

And?

Oh, well, so far, I think it's going pretty great.

Bonjour.

Merci.

She got it right.

I love helping people.

Mmm. Oh, yeah. Oh, you got a little...

- Oh. - Just...

Oh, that's... There we go.

- Grazie. - Yeah.

- Thank you. - Oh, wow, she is all over the place...

Yeah... with the languages tonight.

Do you want to... We can split... Yeah, no, no.

Don't you worry. I'm a veterinarian,

for God's sakes. We make tons of money.

And, uh, actually...

- Whoa. Wow, impressive. - Right?

Yeah, I'm actually an amateur illusionist in my spare time.

- Wait, really? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Well on my way to becoming pro.

Anyways, look, enough about me.

I've had a really good time tonight,

and, um, I'd love to do this again sometime, if you'd like.

Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Me too.

Unless, of course, you wanted to

continue the night back at my place.

Three dates, no sex. Promise me.

- Uh, no, no. I'm sorry, not tonight. - Oh.

I just... I just really feel like

we should probably take things slowly.

Yeah, for sure, slow. I love it slow.

Cool. Um...

Well, thank you so much again for dinner.

Yeah, do you wanna...

I can take care of this, if you wanna...

- This was so fun. - Oh, you're gonna go now.

- High chairs. - I know, right?

- Oh. Thank you. - Uh, well...

Just gonna check one more time,

are you sure you don't wanna come back to my place?

It's pretty nice.

One hundred percent.

Oh, my God.

Nope, don't worry about it.

I'm kind of surprised you called.

Why?

I don't know.

I thought it was gonna be a one-and-done thing.

How dare you, Mitch?

Okay, I'm sorry, just, um...

- Just one second. - Yeah.

Eva? Hi.

Finally!

This better be an actual emergency

because I am right in the middle of something.

It's the Swipe Right Killer.

They just found a fingerprint at one of the crime scenes,

and it's unidentifiable, likely scarred over.

Sound familiar? Yeah, because I fucking knew that guy was shady.

Okay. Yeah. Weird coincidence.

But Swipe Right also drinks rosé

and has an interest in crime scene forensics,

and none of those things apply to Mitch.

No, I'm just joking.

I'm doing night classes in forensics.

Do you not have fingerprints?

Eva, are you there?

Mom, I want a Popsicle!

I told you, Mommy is busy!

I can't keep doing this whole thing with you, Valerie.

Okay, look, I know that you think that I'm being paranoid

or overreacting, but I just feel like

I don't know what's going on with you anymore, which sucks.

Can we just make a deal?

I will loop you in on what's going on with me,

and you promise me,

like, on your favorite child promise me,

that there will be no invasive spy shit of any kind.

I promise on Jonah.

That includes sneaking tracking apps

onto my phone, okay?

Okay. Fine. I promise.

Okay.

Great.

Why don't you come out to the bar with us tomorrow night?

With your friends?

Yeah.

Craig! You better cancel your pickleball plans

because it's Mommy's night out!

Hey, quick question.

Um, growing up, did anybody ever call me Eva Beava?

Beava with a "B"?

Yes, with a "B." What-- No.

Okay, that's what I thought. Bye.

- Hey. - Hey.

You coming back?

Yeah.

Oh, ho-ho! Yes! Fajitas!

Oh, my God!

You guys, we go hard.

Kelly, I need your phone. I need to take some selfies.

You just... Okay.

Whoo! MILF alert!

- Can you get her to calm down, please? - Uh-uh.

There's no stopping this now, trust me.

I'm gonna have to send these to myself.

So, Eva, you have a particular glow about you this evening.

Yeah, I know. It's from the sex.

Yes, girl.

But is it from the sex with Mitch?

Or from the sex with Norman?

Uh, who is Norman?

Oh, Eva's crush from the security company.

What?

Okay, I'm... I am cool. I'm very cool.

And it's actually kind of your fault, but no,

I am seeing Norman on Thursday.

- This glow, this is all Mitch. - Oh, yeah.

I thought you were with Kyle last night.

Yeah, I was, but Mitch came over after.

I just feel like you're kinda not really giving Kyle

a fair shot, if you're still sleeping with Mitch.

No, no, no. I'm not ruling Kyle out.

I'm just saying he doesn't really strike me

as the throw-me-up-against-the-wall type,

and let me tell you,

that is exactly what is getting me going these days.

Hear, hear, sister.

Okay, but sometimes, people can surprise you.

When I first met Brad, he was super vanilla.

And then, on our honeymoon,

we realized that baby likes to be spanked.

- Baby? - Okay. Ew.

- What? - Wait, who is spanking who?

Oh, you guys talk about having sex with randos all day long

and I mention making love to my husband...

- "Making love"? Kelly, stop! - Making love!

We're married. It's making love.

- Who does that anymore? - I was eating here.

Okay, all I'm saying is that

Kyle is the one you should be giving a real shot.

You know, like, he is marriage material.

And Mitch is fuck material.

Wait.

Does that make Norman kill material?

Oh, my God, you're in a Fuck, Marry, Kill!

Hey, hey, hey, everybody! She's in a Fuck, Marry, Kill right now.

It's true, I am. Wow. This is actually the most exciting thing

that's ever happened to me. Okay, let me think.

Um, okay, if that's the case, I'm gonna kill Kyle...

- Uh-uh! - I'm gonna fuck Norman.

- And I'm gonna marry Mitch. - No, no.

You have to kill Norman before he kills you.

His goal in life is to play with dead bodies.

He's not gonna play with dead bodies, you perv.

- You don't know that. - Am I missing something here?

Oh, has she not told you about his passion for forensics?

- It's a great job. - Okay, okay, wait. Wild pitch.

Okay. You fuck the vet.

You kill Mitch.

Who doesn't have fingerprints, by the way.

Exactly. And you definitely marry Mr. Security.

Smart. I like that. Yeah.

- Cheers. - Oh, my God.

- What? - There's been another murder.

- What? Oh, my God. - No.

Are you serious? Where?

Oh, I am on it. I am so on it.

Okay, female, 31, brunette,

body found at her east side apartment.

Wait, that's right near where you live, Eva.

Okay, a partial shoe print was left in blood.

Police have determined that it was a Ferro Calde sneaker,

size 10.

What shoe size does Mitch wear?

I don't know, but it's probably huge.

What size does Norman wear? That's the real question.

I do not know because I'm not just asking people their shoe sizes

when they walk through my front door.

Yeah, okay.

I know that, like, you guys are all kind of joking about this,

and I'm cool. I can be very cool. I'm so cool about this.

But actually, I'm very serious because any of these guys

could legit be Swipe Right and kill you.

Okay, I get it.

It sucks that my whole taking charge of my life thing

has overlapped with a crime spree.

So, here is the compromise.

I'm good where I'm at, so I will delete the apps.

- Yes. - And I will see Kyle again.

And I will possibly fuck Mitch again.

- Thank you. - Probably tonight.

- Yes! - A few times.

Oh, put it there.

Too many times.

- And I'm gonna keep the date with Norman. - That's my girl.

But to ease all of your minds,

I'm going to prove to all of you,

especially you,

that none of them are the serial killer.

How?

We are going to Cinderella this bitch.

It's shoe time.

Oh, if the Ferro Caldes don't fit,

you must acquit.

That is correct.

Hey. Hi.

Okay, should we go back to my place or...

I was actually thinking

maybe we could do something a little more intimate tonight.

Why do guys always do that?

Just call it what it is.

What?

Oh, were you not talking about anal?

- No. - Oh, yeah. Me neither.

So, I was thinking maybe I could cook for you,

if you're hungry.

And, you know, we could just talk,

get to know each other a little.

Okay, yeah.

All right, come on.

- Maybe after we could try anal. - Yes.

So, you seem to know all about my work,

but I don't know anything about yours.

Mmm.

Yeah, that's kind of on purpose.

It's a little embarrassing.

I work at my friend's photo studio.

Sounds fancy.

Uh...

Uh, you're probably thinking Annie Leibovitz,

but this is not that.

This is the everyone wears matching sweaters

and touches each other oddly kind of place.

- Those still exist? - Yes, they do.

So, you went to school for photography?

Oh, no, no. I am just the assistant.

I just retouch things, hand her props here and there.

It's real life-plan, dreams-coming-true kind of stuff,

so you should be pretty impressed.

Actually, the truth is my mom got pretty sick

and she ended up dying last year.

I'm so sorry.

And working for Kelly just

made it easier to look after her.

She's all about family.

She sounds like a great friend.

Yeah.

You know,

all the guys I've been dating, you are the only person

that I have told all of that to, which...

is pretty interesting.

Like, in a good way, though.

What do you mean by "guys"? Like... Like, plural?

Uh, well... Uh, yeah.

I mean, it's online dating.

It's kind of how it works.

What... Are you okay? What's...

Sorry, I'm just a little confused right now.

Did I say something to upset you?

No, um... No. You know what?

I'm good.

- Okay. - I'm cool.

I'm not gonna make a big deal out of this.

- Everything's good. - Okay.

Oh.

You know what? I think cooking can wait.

Ooh.

Wow.

All right, it can definitely wait.

Hey, that was incredibly hot.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Well, just wait until you try my cooking.

- Hey. - Hey.

Is everything okay?

Oh. Yeah.

Food's almost done.

Oh, I just realized, I've got an early start tomorrow,

so I'm going to get going.

I'm just not that hungry anymore.

I... I wanted to ask you this earlier,

- but, you know, I didn't want to be dramatic. - Oh.

You're not, like, using me for sex, are you?

No.

Okay, because, well,

that would make me very, very upset.

No. No.

Come on. No, I'm definitely not...

using you at all.

I'll see you later.

And...

Oh, my God, Kyle.

Ta-da!

This is too much.

Crap. Really? I'm sorry.

- I always do this. - No. Hey, hey, hey.

Kyle, it's... it's beautiful. It's perfect.

Got the baguettes, champagne. We got charcuterie. Come on!

"Charcuterie!" That's what that's called. I always just call it "cheese and meat."

Yeah, well... Yeah.

It's a little sweaty.

I put it out this morning, so it's been here for a while.

I just wanted today to be so perfect, you know?

Oh, who is this little guy?

Oh, yeah. I forgot about him.

Come here.

Okay. Oh...

And this little guy is Stewart.

- Hi, buddy. - Hey, buddy.

That's how you hold the dog?

Oh, gee. Sorry.

Clinical reflex, really,

'cause most dogs in my office, they think I'm about

to take their rectal temperature, you know?

Just... right up there.

Anyways, we'll get him out of here. And...

champagne?

Shall we?

- Yeah, we shall. Thank you. - Okay.

Uh... Oh.

- Are you okay? - Sorry, I had to...

Yeah.

♪ There is a house In New Orleans ♪

What?

Dear God!

Hey, buddy!

♪ They call the Rising Sun ♪

- Knock it off, Stewart. - It... It's fine. All right?

We can go. There's a nice place over there.

Can you just hold that for a second?

Geez. I'm gonna have to put this guy down.

- I'll be right back. - Put him down? Oh.

Buddy! Look, I just noticed

you're a little bit out of tune there on the E string.

Do you mind if I...

Ten. I'll just, uh...

Shit. If you don't mind...

Give me the guitar!

- Oh, Kyle! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- No, what are you... - Linda!

Linda!

Wow.

Well, that's taken care of.

That guy was way stronger than he looked.

Where were we?

You know, uh, I think maybe

we should try this another time.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

It's not about that, 'cause... Not at all.

But this was just really memorable and... Yeah.

- ...I'll talk to you soon. - Do you want to do it again sometime?

- Bye, Kyle. - I'll, uh...

If you wanna talk later or hang out...

Yeah... sometime.

I'll bring Stewart. Yeah, I'll email you or something.

So what happens if Swipe Right doesn't match with anyone?

Does he just start murdering randos?

Ooh. I mean, are the streets even...

What is happening?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Aah! Why are you screaming? Oh, my God!

Okay. Hi.

Stop screaming, weirdos. You dropped this.

Oh.

Thank you. Those are expensive.

Not all men, ladies. Not all men.

Yeah, but some men, sometimes, dude.

Holy shit!

- That was a close call. - Yeah.

What are you doing here?

I, uh...

Look, I... I admit,

I was feeling a little bit anxious about how your date with Kyle went,

so I just wanted to pop by and make sure

that you weren't crossing any... any lines.

Okay, this whole sex police thing, it's getting pretty old.

It's a little weird. I don't need a chaperone, okay?

And honestly, maybe our idea of happiness

is a little different these days.

I just... I feel like, when you were with Jake,

we were on the same page.

Kelly, Jake sucked.

Okay. Yeah, I can see that.

I'm not that Eva anymore.

Can this new Eva not have sex with everybody that she meets?

Okay. You know what? I'm really tired, and I'm gonna go inside.

Well, uh...

'Kay.

You know I love you, right?

So, all the victims' phone records

show they were dating multiple people, but there's no crossover.

I mean, at this point, it could literally be anybody.

- It could be your dad. - You've met my dad.

He can't climb stairs, let alone kill someone.

But I do think we should be looking at all men in our lives

a little differently because it's gotta be one of them.

I want everyone keeping an eye on the unassuming ones, right?

Historically, serial killers are always, like, the guy-next-door types.

I mean, except for Ted Bundy. He's a fox. He could catch it.

Right. Okay, yes. Ted Bundy could catch it...

Do you not have fingerprints?

...I mean, he definitely was the exception, for sure.

Now, BTK, on the other hand, he could not get it.

No, no. But BTK had the advantage of access.

- Hi. - Hey.

He installed alarms.

That's right. Point is, he's out there, listeners,

and you may never see him coming until it's too late.

Yeah, I don't know about you,

but I won't be letting any strangers into my house anytime soon.

Oh, hi.

Hey. Hi. Uh...

I come bearing gifts.

There they are.

- You look so nice. - Thank you.

Hey, do you wanna take your shoes off?

You know, you can just make yourself at home.

No?

I have booties I can put on, if you'd like.

No, no, it's okay.

Just wanted you to feel comfortable.

Yeah, no, I feel comfortable.

I'm just gonna go finish getting ready.

Yeah, yeah. I'll get to it, then.

I'll see you soon. Okay. Okay, bye.

Not bye. I'll see you soon.

You are now secure.

All right. Well, I feel safer already.

Then should we go do something crazy?

Is comedy crazy?

- Eh. Sometimes. - Yeah, that's true.

Oh.

What is that? What's that beeping?

- That means we have 30 seconds to leave. - Thirty seconds?

- Yep. So, hustle. - Oh, that's pretty...

...quick.

Thank you all so much for coming.

We are the You Should Smile Comedy Troupe.

We need a volunteer from the audience.

So...

Uh, you, sir. Come on up here.

Yes!

Whoo!

Oww!

And for a scenario...

All right...

"You're on a first date."

Ooh.

And go.

Uh, okay. Um, hi. I'm Norman.

- Hi. - It's so nice to kill you!

- Oh, my God! - Oh, hey. Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh, oh! No, no, no! No, no!

I was supposed to be the Swipe Right Killer. Get it?

- Uh, yeah, that got dark. - Too soon. Okay. Too soon, too soon.

That was so good! Yay!

Whoo!

- Are you okay? - Yeah. No.

Wow!

The girl next to me was freaking out.

I am so sorry. Again.

- Comedy, it's crazy. - Yeah.

Lacking social awareness,

but I appreciate that you went for it.

Thank you.

I have been wondering, though,

what's with this whole medical examiner thing?

You know, did you just wake up one day and think...

"Yay, dead bodies"?

It's my chance to play hero.

Find answers.

And I guess I have a morbid sense of curiosity.

Weird, I know.

I love that you're so passionate about something.

Tell me something you're passionate about.

Oh.

Well...

- Oh, damn it. - What's wrong?

Uh, it's... it's my sister.

Oh, you have a sister.

Oh...

Oh, is she okay? What's... Yeah, yeah.

Look, I'm really sorry to split like this, but I gotta go.

I can come...

- No, I'm sorry. - Do you want me to...

I can come with you.

Bye.

Weird.

Brad?

- Two High Lifes. - Brad!

Eva!

- Hey! - Hey!

- It's been a minute. - Yeah.

Hey, how's... how's Kelly doing?

Your wife? Uh...

What are you...

Shit. She didn't tell you?

No, she did not.

Look, um, don't tell her I told you

because she must not want people to know, but...

Okay, you're freaking me out. What?

We're on a little bit of a break right now.

A break? Sorry, that was loud. What...

We were having trouble, and I definitely, um...

You what?

Let's just say I handled it poorly and she was super upset.

But then, she did like a 180 and suggested we take a couple months to ourselves

and then see where we are.

- Whoa. - Yeah.

I mean, she has been acting really strange lately,

- so this makes sense. - Yeah.

And honestly...

I miss her.

I'll see you around.

Hang in there, Brad.

- Thanks. - Bye.

Hmm...

So, where is Mr. Security?

I am, like, devastatingly curious.

Okay, listen to this.

He got an emergency text from his supposed sister.

- Not the sister story. - Yeah.

And then he got really weird, and he just rushed out of here.

- Okay, that is... that is sketch. - Yeah.

And I am feeling mildly sleuthy.

So...

why don't we follow him?

Yes!

Okay, we look a little sus going this slow.

Well, he's not looking for us.

No, I mean to everybody else.

You're going 20 in a 35. You should be going at least 50.

I'm sorry. It is my first time tailing somebody.

Not mine.

I dated a cop for eight years. We did weird stuff for fun.

Get down!

Wait, does... does he live there?

Uh-uh. Said he lives near the hill.

What is he doing? He's going in?

I don't know.

Did he just go inside?

Okay.

What is he doing?

The lights are off.

Oh...

They're on. Look, look!

Wait. Okay, that's weird.

Oh, my God! He's positioning a body.

That's a body. He's positioning it.

Okay, well, that is... that is very Swipe Right.

Okay, I know that sound. He is dismembering her.

This is next-level

and actually, we need to call the police.

Yeah, but what are we gonna say?

Okay, we haven't actually seen anything.

- You know, I have seen enough. - Aah!

He's coming out.

What is he doing?

No!

Shh! Be quiet. Be quiet.

- Are you good? - Mm-hmm.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- He's dragging it. - Get down.

He's dragging it.

I see one bag for the torso.

And two for the limbs.

No. A body is very heavy.

He's really strong.

Okay. Oh, no.

That is a torso, if I ever saw one.

No, that could definitely...

Down.

- Let's just breathe through this. - Okay.

And not get carried away.

- Right. - Hold on.

- Okay, we gotta go in there. - Hell no!

Yes! What if somebody's in there and they're hurt, okay?

We can't call the cops until we know for sure, all right?

So put your big girl britches on. We're going inside.

- Come on. - No, no, no, no.

I certainly didn't come... to, like, evaluate a murder scene!

Quit talking to yourself.

Shh.

Oh, my God. Okay.

Try the door.

- Mm-mmm. - Just try.

Okay, okay.

Damn it, it's locked.

No.

Victory.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God.

Go.

Go! Go!

Excuse me?

What are you doing in here?

Um...

Wow, we are so sorry.

What?

Oh, no, no, no. Not...

We meant... Because we just...

- No, you're here. - Mm-hmm. You are here.

And we're so happy for that. Yay!

I'm sorry, did I leave the door open?

Um...

We are your new neighbors.

We thought we'd just come on by and offer you our services.

You guys are very sweet,

but you don't need to be woke all the time.

I mean, I kind of think we're the...

the right amount of woke.

I'm a normal person,

and I have people who help me when I need it.

My brother just left.

- Like, just now? - Your brother.

I blew a fuse,

and I had him go into the crawl space to flip a switch.

And then he fixed my garbage disposal, and he took out the trash.

- He's the best. - Yeah. Yeah.

You know what? He actually... He sounds it.

Okay, you know what?

If you need anything, you know where to find us, so...

Actually, I don't. What unit are you in?

- Bye! Bye. - In the pent suite.

I am a terrible person.

I just assumed he was a murderer,

based off of ten minutes of spying on him from a car?

I mean, I could have at least given it a solid 30,

like a proper stalker.

Oh, oh, God.

Well, it's him.

Well?

- What do I do? - Answer it!

- Answer it? - Yeah, answer it!

- And say what? - We're hanging out

in front of your sister's house,

we thought you were the Swipe Right Killer.

Howdy!

Hey, Eva.

What are you doing? What am I doing?

- Chillin'. - Chillin' in a car with my friend.

We're just, uh, doing some night meditating.

Cool. Um...

I'm sorry about running off earlier.

No, it's okay.

Any chance we can finish our date?

Yeah, I'll be there as soon as possible.

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Wow.

Way to play hard to get, babe.

- Hey! - Hey.

- Oh. - Look, um...

I think you're really great, but...

Oh, my God, did you just invite me over here

to tell me that you're not interested in me?

No, no, no. My God, no.

Before I bolted earlier, I should have told you...

- Whoa, whoa, wait. You have a girlfriend? - No, no. No.

Um, I have some anxiety stuff with my sister.

Okay. What do you mean?

We went through some traumatic shit together as kids.

She's super independent,

and she never asks for anything.

So, when she said she needed me, I, uh...

I panicked.

- Sorry. - No.

You do not have to be sorry. I get it. I...

I also have a sister who causes all sorts of anxiety.

Well, are you gonna give me the tour or...

Yeah, for sure. Okay, well...

Forty-three.

This is the dining room.

Oh, look at this. Hmm...

Do you have an air fryer?

I do.

I've also got a fancy blender.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe we skip the rest of the tour.

- Yeah, for sure. - Yeah.

Wow.

- Transformational phase. - Yeah, I get it.

Hmm? Huh?

Yeah. Oh.

Okay.

Whose is this?

It's probably my sister's.

She's always leaving stuff over here.

Right, the sister in a wheelchair wears heels, okay.

Uh, that's a really ignorant thing to say.

She can wear whatever shoe she wants.

No, you're right. I'm sorry. That was...

I don't know why I said that.

How do you know she uses a wheelchair?

Huh? Uh... You told me.

I don't think I did.

No, I definitely think you did.

You know what? Um...

Maybe we should do this another time.

Um... Hold on. You're ending this

because I... I asked about a shoe?

I mean, it is our first date, Eva.

I don't think it's a crime

to have another woman's shoe in the house.

So, it is another woman's shoe.

It's not your sister's, so that was a lie.

Okay. It's late, so...

Yeah.

It is pretty late. Um...

I'll talk to you soon, Norman.

Oh, men's... size 43.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my...

Shit.

- Here, let me help you. - Oh, hi.

- Thank you. - No worries.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.

Just a good date that turned into a...

shitty date.

Oh. They can turn on a dime.

Be careful.

Yeah, you too.

Oh!

Ooh...

Fuck it. Self-care.

Okay, Mark My Murder fans,

urgent information coming in.

The Swipe Right Killer has struck again last night.

The victim, Tara Leon, was found

wearing one strappy gold stiletto shoe.

No. And she wasn't

coming home from a date, as far as we know right now.

They're saying she was at some costume gala all night.

So, is this a new escalation from Swipe Right?

Everyone else has been on dates

or maybe this was just like a crime of convenience.

Okay, okay. So, then, what you're saying

is that Swipe Right is getting lazier.

Or crazier.

Lazier and crazier? Okay, now...

Valerie, you were right.

I think I'm dating the killer.

Wow.

This is the...

Whoa. This is very extensive.

I totally killed this presentation,

so get your grubby hands off my laptop and listen to this.

- Yes, ma'am. - Okay, so,

after your embargo on googling people was lifted,

I found this in about 45 seconds.

Apparently, his sister survived

a botched home invasion in 2004,

where their parents were murdered.

- Holy shit. - Yeah.

She was shot and left partially paralyzed.

What?

Norman came home in the middle

- and the robbers fled. - Whoa.

- What do you think? - I think that that explains

why he freaks whenever she needs something.

It's also the perfect serial killer origin story.

Okay, but why would he just kill women? Huh?

Maybe one of the home invaders was a woman? I don't know.

The big picture is Norman's interest

in being a medical examiner

makes him well-versed in crime scenes and forensics,

so he would know to cover his fingerprints or avoid leaving any.

He is a size-ten shoe,

and the most damning piece of evidence:

he was most likely the last person to see Tara Leon alive.

- Okay. - You know what you have to do.

- Yeah. Call the tip line. - Call Jake.

No. No.

Okay, you can try your thing first,

but when that doesn't work...

Uh-uh, I'm definitely not calling Jake.

Drugs?

No. Serial killer.

Oh, dear God, no.

Hi, Eva. Um, Kyle here.

Um, you knew that. Sorry.

Uh, look, I just wanted to say that

I bought this guy a brand-new guitar.

Very sweet.

Actually, a way nicer one than he had before, so...

Whatever, that's not the point.

The point is,

I just wanted to apologize to you.

I think I overreacted a little bit the other day at the park.

I think it was just because I was trying so hard

to impress you that I forgot how to be myself.

Anyways, uh...

Mmm... Oh, no.

No, don't...

♪ I'm sorry, Eva ♪

Oh, wow.

♪ For the way I acted the other day ♪

I really should've came up with some more lyrics for this. Um...

Strangely charming.

Okay, someone arrest this woman!

For stealing my heart.

Aren't you engaged?

Oh, yeah. Winnie, come say hi.

Uh-uh.

Ah, she gets me.

You are such a dick.

Oh, relax, hormones, you called me.

Hormones? You were my last resort, okay?

I tried that tip line, like, 44 times, and I couldn't get anyone to pick up.

Yeah, it's because this podcast has got all these chicks

thinking their online dates are murderers.

Women, so crazy.

Anyway, what can I do for you?

I think one of my online dates might be a murderer.

Shut up.

Oh, I'm fucking with you. Let's just...

- Okay. - All right.

Just... Feminism.

Feminism?

So that's it.

I know everybody wants to be an Internet detective,

but I'm telling you, something feels very off here.

That evidence, it's very, very circumstantial.

I know. I know. But I have this feeling, all right?

And I can't do nothing. I mean, what if this guy kills again

and we could have stopped it?

Okay, well, aside from your "feelings,"

what else do we have?

What else? Um, I mean, I've never seen him drink rosé.

He does have all his fingertips.

But like I said,

he's really, really interested in forensics.

Stop! Stop listening to that podcast.

- Why? - Dear Lord. It's bullshit.

Okay, well, the podcast never cheated on me,

multiple times, so...

Uh, yeah, like,

um, there were a few wine bottles in the beginning,

but that's because people getting ready for dates,

- sometimes, they drink wine. - Not everybody.

And the print, it was smudged and inconclusive,

not the result of some, like, mangled finger.

Okay, all right. Well, tell me,

what are the actual clues?

All right, shoes, the men's size ten, that's a real clue.

And Tara wasn't the only one missing a shoe.

All the victims were found wearing only one.

A high heel in every case, a stiletto in a couple cases.

We think the killer is keeping them as, like,

a trophy or something, but we didn't make that public.

Mainly because of that stupid podcast.

Okay, stop. Jake, stop talking.

All right, you gotta go there right now and search his house.

- I saw a shoe, a woman's shoe. - A woman's shoe?

- A woman's shoe, a black stiletto. - Black stiletto?

And I don't know, he's probably got more hidden somewhere,

like in his closet or, like, in the basement or something.

- Sit, sit. - Okay.

I just sat down because I wanted to, not because you told me to.

They don't give away search warrants

just because my ex-girlfriend saw a shoe at a guy's house.

I have to prove that it was actually linked to one of the victims.

You know, we did find a small amount of DNA at one of the scenes,

but we put it in the database, it came back negative.

You don't happen to have any of his DNA, do you?

No, I haven't slept with him yet.

Hey, I don't want to hear you

talk about other guys like that.

Again, Jake, you're engaged.

It still stings, okay?

No.

- No, I got it. - No, no, no.

No, I got... I got it, really.

No, you should not be going and finding any DNA right now.

It would be ridiculously risky.

Well, you know, the great thing about being broken up

is that I don't have to listen to what you think I should

and shouldn't do anymore.

Goodbye, Winnie.

I was saying that as a cop, not as your ex-boyfriend.

Crazy.

- Surprise! - Jesus Christ!

Oh, my God, Mitch.

You scared the shit out of me!

Hi. What are you doing here?

Well, you haven't returned my calls or texts.

Uh... You completely ghosted me

after you stormed out the other night.

I know, I've just been really busy, but I do...

Okay. Oh, no. Are you crying?

This keeps happening to me.

- I try to be the cool guy. - Uh-huh.

But deep down, I... I really have feelings for you.

Oh, no, you don't know me that well yet.

I'm just gonna be brutally honest with you, all right?

I left the other night because I thought you might be

the Swipe Right Killer, which now I know you are not,

because another guy I'm dating actually is.

But I did like having sex with you, like, a lot.

Whoa. And you are very, very hot.

And it's... it's been really good for my self-esteem.

So, thank you for that,

but I'm not ready to be serious with you.

Okay, well...

maybe once I heal from this, we can have sex again?

Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. Later.

Uh...

You can do this.

Okay.

- Eva! Hey. - Hey!

Uh, what are you doing here?

Yeah, I'm sorry to just show up unannounced,

but I think I left one of my favorite pearl earrings here, so I just...

No, look, actually, I'm really glad to see you.

I really wanted to apologize for last night.

Oh, please, no. Don't even worry about...

No, no. Please. I really wanna talk about it.

I know. I do too, but I... I can't focus on anything

until I just... You know, I really love this earring.

It was my great-great-grandmother's. So, just...

It's gonna take... super quick.

- Uh, okay, sure. - Two minutes.

Yes.

Okay. All right.

If I were DNA, where would I be?

Fuck.

Eva.

- Yeah. - Hey.

Hey. God, you know, it's so weird.

I could have sworn that I had it here.

It's a family heirloom. It's really important

- that I find it. - Could we maybe, uh, take a beat here?

Please.

Yeah.

Sure, we can.

Okay.

You mean, like...

like this kind of beat?

Wow. Well, that wasn't exactly what I...

Oh! Are the fingernails negotiable?

Sorry.

But not really,

you know, I just, um...

God, I've really been thinking about you lately.

Careful.

Oh, my God! There it is.

Are you kidding me?

This is really a relief. This is good.

You know, I would love to continue this later,

but I just gotta call my sister

and let her know that I found it.

Eva!

Are you kidding me? Come on!

Okay.

I did it.

Holy shit, I did it.

Okay...

Hair... check.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, God, that's gross.

Skin... motherfucking check.

All right.

Okay.

Boom!

Evidence!

Oh, you are not...

Jake, your ex-girlfriend is here.

Yeah, well, you know I have a name, right? It's Eva.

Boom!

- Evidence! - Wow!

I bet you had no problem getting DNA in that outfit.

Oh, you are foul.

Just take the samples and do whatever you do with them.

Yeah, okay, I'll get them to the lab.

You said this guy installed your security system, yeah?

- Yeah. - Well, you shouldn't go home.

I mean, if you wanted to be safe, you shoulda just came to me.

I would've told you to go with ADT.

How about just saying, "Nice work, Eva.

Thanks for cleaning up the streets, Eva.

Thanks for catching a predator, Eva."

Okay, how about, uh, do you have anywhere else to stay, Eva?

- Yes. - Do you?

I do, in fact. I got many options.

So, don't worry about it. Many options!

Moron.

Many options.

Well, that sucks.

Okay.

♪ Down came the rain And washed the spider out ♪

♪ Out came the sun And dried up all the rain ♪

Hey, it's Val. I'm so tired.

You know what to do.

Goddamn it, Valerie!

Okay.

Hi. This is Kelly from...

You kidding me? Where is everybody?

Hey, it's Robin.

I'm not answering because I'm out here, living life.

Okay.

Hey, it's Anthony. I'm not here right now.

Leave a message. Bye!

- Aah! - Whoa.

Oh, people have got to stop sneaking up on me.

- Do not come any closer. - No, I just want to talk.

Get away from me. No, get away from me.

No, get away from me. I will call the cops.

- Are you serious right now? - Sheryl!

This man is really dangerous. Go! Go!

- Okay! I'm going, I'm going. - Go!

Thank you, Sheryl. I'll see you at book club.

Holy shit.

♪ I love all the colors ♪

♪ Don't you love them, too? ♪

♪ They make the world So pretty ♪

Hey, it's Val. I'm so tired.

You know what to do.

Valerie, are you kidding me?

How is this the one time that you don't pick up my phone call?

Okay, I just got home, and Norman showed up,

and I'm really fucking freaked out right now

because he knows all of my security info,

and I need somewhere safe to stay.

So please, please call me back, okay? Okay.

Oh, my God.

Okay. Well, last resort time.

Eva, hi. Hey.

Kyle. I... Did the phone even ring?

Hi. Um, listen, I have a really huge favor to ask.

Can I come over?

Yeah, of course. All right, thank you.

I will see you soon. Can you just... Can you text me your address?

Of course, yeah. Amazing.

Thank you so much again for letting me come over.

It's really nice of you. I don't know where anyone is.

Kelly or my sister should

be calling back any second.

Of course, yeah. No worries.

Hey, where's Stewart?

Who?

- Your dog? - Oh, yeah!

He's, uh, locked in the guest room.

- Oh. - Well, it's like crate training for him,

except, uh, just, like, a nice big crate

with a bed in it and stuff.

- He loves it in there. - Really?

Yeah. But anyways, you were saying that Norman guy,

you think he's the Swipe Right Killer?

- Yeah, I think so. - Geez.

And, uh, you guys were dating or...

I mean, sort of. Not really.

I mean... Ugh.

It is just a little crazy to me

that you cut our date short

because I lost my temper a little bit,

but you... you didn't notice any red flags

with a guy who is a murderer?

Um, look, I'm... Hey, I am so sorry.

No, that was rude of me.

You've had a really hard day and, uh...

If you wanna, I don't know, take a bath or something?

I mean, I could order us some food.

I have actually been wanting to take a bath

for a really long time.

I don't have a tub at my place.

Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, makes sense.

- It's just upstairs? - Yeah, the bathroom's just upstairs,

and there's a nice, cozy bathrobe for you...

Oh, great... you can put on.

Just make yourself at home.

Mi casa es su casa.

Right?

Yeah.

Mmm.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Antipsychotics?

Nope, antihistamines.

Mmm, that tracks. He does seem like a guy

with a lot of allergies.

I've got to get one of these.

- Valerie? - Oh, thank God you picked up!

I left you and Eva like a thousand voicemails.

Oh, sorry, I was just, uh...

- I think Eva is in trouble. - What?

Kyle isn't who he says he is,

and she is with him right now.

She's not picking up, so I left her a voicemail.

But I haven't looked up Kyle before because we knew him, right?

Well, Kyle is actually married to a woman who is alive.

The veterinarian is his wife's brother,

who is traveling all summer.

Kyle is a freaking pet-sitter, and he has a record.

Multiple assault charges.

And, Eva, he arrived in town

two days before the first Swipe Right kill.

We were wrong about Norman. Kyle is the killer!

You've got to get out!

- I see you've borrowed my favorite shirt. - Oh, shit!

Aah!

Making yourself right at home, hmm?

Yeah. Can I have my phone?

No. I don't think so.

I think it's only fair that, if you have something of mine,

I get something of yours, right?

Unless you want to take that shirt off.

Oh, gross.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

You know what?

I really don't understand you, Eva.

I thought you were different,

but you're just like the rest of the girls, okay?

You never go for the nice guys. Me.

I'm the nice guy.

I'm literally the nicest guy, in fact.

I mean, fuck me, I waxed my chest for you!

I mean, not really. That's just part of your chest.

Oh, my God! You have any idea how much this hurt?

- Yeah. I do, actually. - Yeah!

Girls do it all the time.

- Let me leave the room! - Yeah, well,

it's not about you right now.

It's about Kyle right now! It's Kyle time!

I did all of this for you,

and you just insist on pushing me away!

Why is that, huh?

Kyle, I...

You know, the nice thing to do

would actually be to let me leave the room, so...

Oh, my God. Now you want a nice guy?

That's hilarious.

Sadly, I'm done being a nice guy. You know why?

Because I realize nice guys don't get what they want,

and what I want right now is simple.

I want... Oh!

Idiot!

No!

Oh!

You already did that!

It's redundant!

- Get off of me! - No!

You're all the same.

Every single one of you girls.

You just toy and you toy!

I didn't toy with you!

I just didn't sleep with you, you fucking psychopath!

I don't deserve to die for that! None of those girls did!

What girls are you...

Ow!

Ow...

Kelly!

You're okay! You're okay!

You saved my life.

Yeah!

Shit. Get the knife! Pull it out!

What do you mean? Pull what out?

Get it out before he does!

No, Kelly. I don't want to!

You have to! Be brave!

You have to! He's gonna stab us!

- Okay, okay! - Pull it out!

- With what? - Now! Pull it out!

Oh, God! This is really gross!

Didn't you want to be a nurse?

I do hate blood.

Oh, goddamn it! Jake was right!

Jake! We gotta call the police.

Okay, let's get you out of here. You're safe.

You're safe! Let's go! You're okay. You're okay.

- I can't look at it anymore. - Okay, here.

Ugh.

Okay, look.

- I'm going to take care of all of this. - Okay.

But your fingerprints are everywhere inside.

So I'm going to clean up, call the police,

and just make sure that they know this was self-defense.

You killed the Swipe Right Killer.

Of course it was self-defense, Kelly.

Exactly.

Okay, stay here.

Thank you.

What?

Who are all these women?

Oh, my God. Why are there so many fucking phones in here?

Hey.

Hey!

What are you doing?

You forgot your phone.

Oh! Thanks!

I was just cleaning up before I was gonna call the police.

Why do you have that?

You got a message

from somebody named Amber about a date?

Who is that?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think Brad is cheating on me.

I've been meaning to tell you this is his burner phone.

Kelly, I know you and Brad are on a break.

Yeah, but it's okay.

It's just like a temporary thing, so it's okay.

Look. Look what I found, Eva.

Ferro Caldes.

In his closet, size ten.

Well, that's really weird

because I didn't see those upstairs earlier.

And look, shoes.

I found these in his closet too,

and I bet there's more where they came from!

Eva, we did it.

We killed the Swipe Right Killer.

Look, technically,

you killed him when you pulled the knife out,

but we did it.

Kelly, how do you know about the heels?

The police haven't told anyone about the heels.

You don't believe me?

Are you calling me a liar?

Kelly, what are you doing?

Oh, my God, what have you done?

What have I done?

- What have I done? - Oh! Okay.

I have saved a bunch of marriages.

- What? - I had a feeling something was off with Brad,

so I went through his phone, and I found out

that he was meeting someone.

I found out where she lived.

I followed her home,

and then I watched them together.

That lecherous trash

was trying to steal my husband!

But I had a pair of Brad's shoes with me,

just in case that something happened.

That sounds premeditated.

- No. - Okay.

No, it wasn't.

I did not want to leave any footprints,

in case something happened.

In case? What? And then, something did happen?

Yes! Yes, and she deserved it!

Oh, my God.

And then Brad, he would pay for what he did to me.

I know that serial killers

sometimes like to take trophies,

so I took one of her shoes, and I was going to plant it

in his stupid fucking bachelor pad.

And then I had this incredible idea

that I could save so many people from this pain!

I would find these women

on these cheating messaging boards,

and then I would catfish them,

pretending to be different married men.

And then, I got so good

that I could just identify them based on the shoes.

Do you know who wears stilettos, Eva? Home-wreckers!

Have you thought that maybe you are killing the wrong people?

- Men cheat too, Kelly. What the fuck? - Exactly!

And I was gonna frame Brad for all of the murders,

but then, Eva, he called me,

and he told me that he missed me,

- and he regretted all of it. - Oh, my God.

And then I didn't know what to do.

And then, look.

Look who fell into my lap, Eva. Kyle!

Eva... Eva, I saved you!

No, no. Kelly, no!

No! It's all perfect now. Don't you see?

Everybody is gonna think that Kyle is Swipe Right.

I'm gonna burn the rest of the shoes.

Brad is gonna come back home to me, and then it's all...

it's all gonna go back to the way that it was.

The way that it was? You're fucking insane!

- Eva, it didn't have to be this way! - No!

We could have been best friends forever!

I wanted to be the maid of honor at your wedding!

- Your wedding sucked! - Oh!

And you looked like shit in that hideous dress!

And your spray tan was streaky!

Aah!

Aah! A fucking kitten heel?

Aah!

Oh, my God.

You stabbed the shit out of her.

Yeah.

You really owe it to your sister.

If she hadn't have called us when she did, who knows?

How did she even know where I was?

I only texted that address to Kelly.

I'm assuming she didn't share that info.

Well, apparently, last time you all went out,

your sister put a tracking app on Kelly's phone.

Also, on all your friends' phones.

And she eventually tracked down

his brother-in-law's name and his address,

and then sent it to us, like, seven times.

Geez.

I think your sister should've been a cop.

Yeah.

I'm glad you're okay.

You're lucky to be alive.

She did a murder monologue.

Like, a explain-how-she-did-it-all monologue.

It was crazy.

Hey, so, uh, for some reason...

I'm still trying to figure it out...

Uh, Winnie called off the engagement.

- Hmm, shocking. - I know.

I think it was from you coming down

and flirting with me in the office.

Oh, give me a break.

Hey, Winnie.

Anyway, uh,

I was thinking maybe you and me could, uh,

- you know, get back together. - No fucking way, Jake.

Not even like a hit-it-and-quit-it situation?

Nope. No chance.

Well, in that case...

I ran the DNA on this.

Came back clean.

So, I talked to that Norman guy.

You didn't.

- No, no, I did. - Oh, my God.

And he seems like a pretty good dude.

So...

I guess you have my blessing.

Well, I don't need it, but...

thank you.

I appreciate that.

Eva?

Oh, I'm okay.

There's my cue. Hey, Gordy!

I... Hi.

...was totally right!

You were in terrible danger!

Yes! Oh, my God.

Who's paranoid now? Who is paranoid now?

Okay, has she been... Yep. She's been acting like this the whole way over.

Hopefully after she found out I was alive.

Valerie...

I love you. Thank you.

You are welcome.

I think I really need to go back to work.

- Yes. - Yeah, you really do.

- Hi. - Are you okay?

I mean...

I stabbed my best friend with a shoe,

but I'm alive, so...

Kelly. Like, who would have thought?

Well, I mean, if one of us was going to be a serial killer,

I would have picked her.

- Really? - Yeah.

I'd have put my money on Valerie all the way.

Yeah, me too.

Hi, Eva.

Lila, hi. Uh... Oh.

I just came to give you your shoe back.

Um, I also just wanted to say I'm really sorry.

Oh...

Which thing are you apologizing for?

When you followed me to Lila's house

and barged in there thinking you'd find a dead body?

Or when you stole DNA from me

and turned it over to the police?

I'm going to give you guys a minute.

- Good luck. - Thanks.

Both. All of that. Everything.

I am so sorry.

I mean, I know that I jumped to some

pretty insane conclusions, even for me,

and I just think that my paranoia got the best of me.

Honestly?

The alarm installer in me gets it.

The forensic student in me is really disappointed in you.

Like, none of that DNA evidence

would have been admissible in court.

Look, I know that this is crazy,

but I think I've already proven I'm kind of crazy,

but, like, in a fun way. Anyway...

Can we just start over?

Just wipe the slate clean.

Maybe go out on a normal date?

I don't think anything with you

is ever going to be normal,

and I am somehow very into that.

So, is that a yes?

Mm-hmm.

For the record, I really like the hair-pulling.

Oh, good, because that's my specialty.

Oh, well...

♪ I'm gonna kill you ♪

Welcome to our very special live kickoff episode

of our third season of...

Mark My Murder.

We are snuffing out the other podcasts.

Yeah, we are. We're killing them.

You two are slaying, if I do say so myself.

Oh, look who's here in the studio, slinging puns with us.

Yes. Boulder, Colorado's finest,

New York Times bestselling author,

and our show's newest copilot, Eva Vaughn.

I have to tell you, this is actually a dream come true,

and I'm just so excited to be

on the case with the both of you.

Speaking of case, don't forget to pick up

Eva's newest novel, Girl, Go!,

available everywhere now.

Well, you've conquered true crime writing.

You've conquered fiction writing. What's next?

She's about to conquer co-hosting this show.

I think I already did that.

Indeed, you have.

Speaking of the show, let's get it cracking.

I think we have a call from one of your fans on the line.

My fans? Okay. Well, then,

let's not keep them waiting. Let's do it.

Murph, put him through.

You're receiving a collect call

from an inmate at ADX Supermax Prison,

Florence, Colorado.

- Do you accept these charges? - Kelly?

Oh, this bitch...

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it too ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it too ♪

♪ Never met a girl like this Like this ♪

♪ Like this This-this-this-this ♪

♪ Never met a girl like this Like this ♪

♪ Like this This-this-this-this ♪

♪ Down in Panama Up to Canada ♪

♪ Round the world We la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Sing our song We is fixing bongs ♪

♪ These sticks and stones And ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Laugh them all to the bank Ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Laugh them all to the bank Like this ♪

♪ Fill it up, fill it up Fill it up, fill it up ♪

♪ Fill it up, fill it up Fill it up ♪

♪ Fill it up, fill it up Fill it up, fill it up ♪

♪ Fill it up Ah, keep the change ♪

♪ Fill it up, fill it up Fill it up, fill it up ♪

♪ Fill it up, fill it up Fill it up ♪

♪ Fill it up, fill it up Fill it up, fill it up ♪

♪ Fill it up Ah, keep the change ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it too ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it too ♪

♪ Never met a girl like this Like this ♪

♪ Like this This-this-this-this ♪

♪ Never met a girl like this Like this ♪

♪ Like this This-this-this-this ♪

♪ Down in Panama Up to Canada ♪

♪ Round the world We la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Sing our song We is fixing bongs ♪

♪ These sticks and stones And ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Laugh them all to the bank Ha-ha-ha ♪

♪ Laugh them all to the bank Like this ♪

♪ Fill it up, fill it up Fill it up, fill it up ♪

♪ Fill it up, fill it up Fill it up ♪

♪ Fill it up, fill it up Fill it up, fill it up ♪

♪ Fill it up Ah, keep the change ♪

♪ Fill it up, fill it up Fill it up, fill it up ♪

♪ Fill it up, fill it up Fill it up ♪

♪ Fill it up, fill it up Fill it up, fill it up ♪

♪ Fill it up Ah, keep the change ♪

♪ Oh, snap ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it too ♪

♪ Laugh them off to the bank Have our cake ♪

♪ Laugh them off to the bank Have our cake and eat it ♪

♪ Laugh them all to the bank Like this ♪

♪ Laugh them off to the bank Have our cake ♪

♪ Laugh them off to the bank Have our cake and eat it ♪

♪ Laugh them all to the bank Like this ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it ♪

♪ Like this, like this ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it too ♪

♪ Like this, like this ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it ♪

♪ Laugh them all like this Like this ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have our cake And eat it ♪

♪ Ah, like this, like this Change! ♪