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[♪♪♪]

[Mary] I guess I should start at the beginning.

That's when it all started.

Funny how these things always start at the beginning.

[♪♪♪]

The big city was the place I called home.

And there was nothing like the big city at Christmas.

The lights.

The trees.

The pollution.

And most importantly, my job.

I was a journalist at BuzzClubs, but I was better

than the assignments they were giving me.

[indistinct chatter]

And the marketing Christmas meeting is on Christmas!

I could do so much more.

[grunting]

These numbers are off the charts.

All I needed to land the big promotion was

one juicy story.

Mary, we don't have time for your narration

or your orange juice story pitches.

I've still got Big Citrus

jumping down my throat since your last article

caused all that satanic asbestos.

[chuckling]

Besides, we're prepping for the annual quarterly

salary insurance retreat business jargon and--

Please, just give me a chance, boss.

[Mary] I know it's almost Christmas and I know that

we work at this big city magazine

that we work at here in the big city.

And I know that the annual Christmas cover story is--

Say no more!

[chuckling]

[Boss] I love it.

I mean scrap the old story, assistant,

we're going with Mary's.

When can you leave?

I mean, your ticket is booked for tonight.

Um, where am I going?

I haven't packed.

[Marry] I can--

Oh, Snowy Heights.

Snowy Heights.

That my hometown where I grew up.

Perfect.

I love the angle.

See, this is why you're due for the big promotion Mary,

so don't screw it up.

And whatever you do, do not fall in love with some small-town,

8-out-of-10 stranger

and find the true meaning of Christmas.

I've lost too many good reporters that way.

Yeah, remember Carl?

No.

Go, you're already late.

[chuckling]

Okay.

[chuckling]

Mary!

Your reservation is booked at the cute charming inn

at the centre of town.

Go on, get out of here already!

Okay.

Mary!

The story is due on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve?

That's the day before Christmas.

Hurry.

[Mary] So off I went, getting ready for a big Christmas adventure,

leaving behind the big city and everything I loved about it.

Goodbye, tourists.

Oh!

[chuckling]

Goodbye, ethnic diversity.

Goodbye, homeless man who spit on my bagel.

As sad as I was to leave everything behind,

I couldn't wait to get back to my cute industrial loft

and start packing.

The only thing left to do was figure what to pack.

[chuckling]

Oh, Santa dog.

[sighing]

I can't believe on Christmas it will be 20 years

since I've had you.

Ever since I found you on dad's deathbed

and he said,

"Why are you touching my stuffed toy?

I don't know who your dad is.

Leave me alone while I get my braces off."

[sniffles]

I promised I would never leave you.

And I will never break that promise.

Can you stop talking to that stuffed Kwanzaa bear?

It's a Christmas dog, Martin!

You're a Christmas dog.

[Mary] And I was off.

Snowy Heightsville Falls.

Population?

Yes, please.

I'm here!

[chuckling]

So you are here.

At long last.

Do I know you?

[laughing]

Here, have a cookie.

And welcome home.

I forgot how warm and friendly everyone is here.

Have a beer.

Oh, you know, actually,

I'm looking for the Reindeer Lodge Inn.

Would you happen to know--

[grunting]

Great, my hot cocoa!

Oh no, my reservations at the inn!

-It's completely undrinkable. -It's completely undrinkable.

[sighs]

Watch where you're going, lady.

Me?

Watch where I'm going?

Lady?

[scoffs] You don't know me.

I know you're a piece of work.

Joke's on you, mister, because I love work.

Oh, I bet you do.

I bet you're some career woman from the big city!

And I bet you're some small-town grunch

who's too caught up in things to see what's literally

right in front of him.

Well, this encounter has been a complete disaster.

And I look forward to never seeing you ever again.

Not seeing each other ever again would be too soon

to not see each other ever again!

Oh yeah, you and your big city double negatives, alright,

don't-- they don't-- they-- they do not-- they--

excuse me?

No, excuse me, and my education.

[gasps]

[sighs]

[exhales]

Great, now I want hot cocoa.

[♪♪♪]

Welcome to Cup of Cheer.

Thank you.

Um, yeah, I'll have one hot cocoa please, Keith.

[Keith] Coming right up.

Don't mind me asking, what are you wearing?

Oh, darn.

[chuckles]

I just got back from my shift as Flash, the Mall Elf.

[Keith] I guess I just forgot to change.

I've just been so busy holding down two jobs,

tryin' to support me and my bro, which explains a lot about me

and who I am as a person.

It's okay, I forgive you.

One hot cocoa please, Keith,

with a pump of yuletide cheer for

customer.

[chuckles]

Thank you very much.

Oh shoot.

Sir, you didn't pay!

-Ugh, you again. -Ugh, me again.

Why are you at my store, lady?

I wanted hot cocoa.

And since I'm in this small town until Christmas

and you're the only hot cocoa place around,

I guess we're just gonna have to put up with each other.

Yeah, you know, actually there's another place like--

And quit calling me "lady", dude.

My name isn't "lady".

It's Mary.

Mary Lady.

Okay, Mary, uh, well,

then quit callin' me "dude", because

my name's Chris.

Chris Mas.

Chris Mas?

[chuckling]

Like Christmas?

[chuckling]

I've never thought of it like that before.

[chuckling]

Uh, well, here's your drink, Mary.

I didn't order anything, Chris.

[laughing]

Okay.

Oh.

Order for Mrs. Clovenwitch!

Thank you, dearie.

How much do I owe you?

You know your money's no good here,

Mrs. Clovenwitch, okay?

After everything you've done for us uh,

it's the least I could do.

Keep the change, you filthy animal.

Cunt.

[chuckling]

Chris, I've watched your Grandma Coco build this

charming hot cocoa place from the ground up

many decades ago,

and it's been the pride and joy of Snowy Heightsville Fallstown

ever since.

[chuckling]

And after everything you and your baby brother

have been through this year--

[sighing]

The least I can do is support your business

while delivering unsolicited recaps of your life.

There was that time last month when I caught him

with his pecker in a grilled cheese.

[chuckling]

And the economy being the way it is,

I still had to serve it to my customers.

-Mrs. Clovenwitch-- -[Mary] Oh.

You're so embarrassing.

[chuckling]

Okay, so I better get back to the diner that I run in town.

Oh.

Grilled cheese won't fuck itself.

[laughing]

Oh, oh, oh--

[chuckles]

Oh, Mrs. Clovenwitch.

You only put a five in the jar.

Oh, oh my God.

Oh, don't worry, I got you, Mr. Cloverhoof.

[chuckling]

Oh, my pajamas!

How sweet of you, you young Aryan princess, you.

Oh, looky here!

[Mrs. Clovenwitch] Chris with a girl.

It's a Christmas miracle!

[chuckling]

[exclaims]

Silly me.

And I've interrupted your date.

-Oh. -[Mary] Oh.

No, it's not a date.

I just got here from the big city--

Oh, I see.

-It's a sex thing. -[Chris] Mm.

Calm down, everybody, it's just a sex thing.

Uh, no, no, uh, no.

[chuckling]

No.

We just met. We're not--

Oh, you're a lesbian!

Most folks from the big city are.

-Nothing wrong with that. -Oh, no, no, no--

-Even I've licked a few-- -Oh, Mrs. Clovenwitch.

[chuckling]

Uh, no, Mary here was just um,

about to give me her order.

I just wanted to try one of those world-famous

hot cocoas that I've never heard so much about.

Good choice.

They don't make 'em like this anywhere else.

So uh, what's the secret ingredient?

[Chris chuckles]

Is it love?

Christmas cheer?

-North pole-- -Cinnamon.

But I bet you make it with love.

No, with cinnamon.

Oh, right.

Uh, drink up.

Thank you.

Could someone please help me?

Uh, I seem to be lost in another era

and I have no idea--

Oh 'ello there, guvna.

Pip pip cheerio!

Are we doing jolly old accents from across the pond now?

Can I have a spot of tea, darling?

[clears throat]

My fellows, I was on my way to the Royal Christmas Ball

and I seem to have lost my way.

Uh, could anyone point me in the direction of

Old Complingdonshire upon the Thames or

perhaps to the nearest carrier pigeon

where I mayhaps pay tuppence to message

the lady of the manor?

I see why it was weird now.

Oh, what a day, huh?

Wholesome white newcomers from all over

and it's only noon.

What's your name, dearie?

Lord Helmington, Royal Duke of Weddlesworth

upon the Shire County of Middlesborough.

But you may call me "Sir Authuh".

Uh, it's nice to meet you, Arthur.

No, no, it's Authuh.

Arthur?

No, sweetheart, Authuh.

Ah--

[grunts]

[clears throat]

I'm Chris.

It is a pleasure to meet you, Sir Chris.

[kissing]

And this must be your humble lady wench, your wife.

-[Chris] Oh. -Oh, no.

How about I take care of Authuh

and you guys carry on with your date.

[Chris] Oh-oh.

-It's not a -It's not a

-Date. -Da--

You know, you're not the first-time travelling British royal

to show up here at Christmas.

It's very common in this town.

[gasping]

That is just great.

[sighing]

Now what?

How am I supposed to write my article

or find my reservations for the inn?

[sighing]

[munching]

Tough day?

Thank God for these great cookies, though.

Oh, well, Mary, those are ornamental pinecones.

Please, Chris, I don't need any more bad news today.

-Listen, I just wanted to-- -No, you listen.

[munching]

Thank you.

[takes a deep breath]

Hmm.

No one ever just listens anymore, you know?

Yeah, 'cause everybody's like, I don't know.

They go rush, rush, rush.

[chuckling]

Yeah, I know.

"Jeez, dude, why are you rush, rush rush?"

[chuckling]

All that--

Uh, Chris, I'm in a rush!

[Keith] Rushing around because I gotta get back to my job

as Flash, the Mall Elf.

Like should hurry, so come on, let's hurry, yeah?

Oh, Mary, this is my baby bro, Keith.

[chuckling]

Nice to meet you.

I'm Chris' baby bro Keith.

Mary.

Mary Lady.

Mary Nice Lady.

[chuckling]

Well, you seem like a Mary Nice Lady.

Oh, wait, are you guys just--

-No! -No!

Sitting around, havin' hot cocoa as one of you eats pinecones?

-Oh. -Oh.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

That's so nice.

But I'm in a rush to get to work.

Speakin' of work.

[chuckling]

Uh, I should let you get back to it.

What?

No, that's what I was speaking of.

My laptop is destroyed.

My reservations at the inn are kaput.

Kaput?

Oh, what's that, Russian?

Rush, rush, rush.

[chuckling]

Listen, uh, maybe if you gave the inn your name,

they'd be able to find--

It's too late, Chris.

The damage has been done.

Wow.

The first sign of trouble, you just give up.

[Chris] Typical big city behaviour.

Listen.

[grunting]

[Chris] If this town is causing you so much trouble

and you got no place to stay,

then maybe you should just go back to the big city

where you came from.

What, Mary has nowhere to stay?

Mary, we have plenty of room

in our house ever since.

I wouldn't wanna impose.

I couldn't.

Um, not with Chris--

Stop inviting strangers over to stay, Keith.

Oh. [clears throat]

[Authuh] When are we departing on our merry way to your cottage,

Sir Flash, the Mall Elf?

[scrunching]

[Chris] And yeah, this is the ki--

Whoa, holy smokes!

Hey, don't get too comfortable, Authfhen.

Uh, but I am comfortable.

You seem the food in this future era is incredible.

[chuckling]

Oh!

[chuckling]

I think he needs some help.

Should we call the police?

Yeah, I think that's what they recommend to do

in these situations.

-Okay. -Hello?

They're on their way.

Well, what's all this fuss about?

It's me and the missus.

We're prepping for the town's local Christmas Eve

bake sale fundraiser carolling competition

time capsule opening tradition

snow globe building competition

wish making tradition.

Well, thank gosh you're here, Sheriff.

Oh, just happy to be here, Chris.

Oh, who is your lovely date?

Not a date.

This is Mary.

Oh, hello there, Mary.

I'm the town's racially-diverse cop.

I mean, I'm a cop.

A regular cop.

I'm uh, Rudolph.

Oh. [chuckling]

Rudolph Hitler.

Oh, oh God.

Okay.

Uh, so this crazy British guy says that

he's from past or something.

Uh, so it's a D-25 then?

Hmm, okay.

Uh, uh, where are you from, son?

Oh, well, that depends where we are.

-Does it? -I don't know.

Well, you see--

I was enjoying a Rupert's Beef Jelly

when this old hag came and whisked me away to this town

that you call um, "Snowy--"

Snowy Heightsville Commoningdon--

Heightsville Forestville the--

-Yeah, yeah. -Deers.

Commons.

Wow.

All this excitement and confusion.

Whenever I was excited or confused,

my dead mom would always say, "The best thing to do

was hit the sack."

I've hit the sack thrice since I arrived.

Now, the second time a little bit of blood came out.

Well, Chris, uh, as much as I'd like to take this

Persian warlord off your hands uh,

I do have some bad news for you.

Your landlord has been in touch.

It's mentioned that you haven't paid your rent this month.

But the rent's not due yet, Sheriff Rudolph.

Well, he's changed the deadline.

And if you don't pay up by Christmas Eve,

you're going to die.

[gasps]

Yep.

Then I'll have to evict you.

Oh my God, that's horrible.

[sighs]

And on Christmas Eve of all days?

Rudolph!

This isn't fair and you know it.

There's no way that Cup of Cheer can afford to pay

our rent by Christmas Eve.

I'll tell you what's not fair.

This--

[Sheriff Rudolph] Authuh guy is gonna have to stay with you for a while.

There was a new law that just passed.

Oh, right now, see?

Oh, that makes sense.

Huh, that settles that then.

[grunting]

I'm off to the snow to make merry.

[chuckling]

You, out of the way.

Well, at least somebody's merry.

Oh, wait, wait, I thought she was Mary.

I'm not feeling very merry right now, Officer Hitler.

[man on walkie] Sheriff Rudolph, we have a code Kevin McCallister on our hands.

Permission to use lethal force on the unsupervised child?

We have reason to believe he is armed with

a swinging paint bucket.

[scoffs]

Honestly, these--

Innocent Christmas hijinks these kids get in to.

[chuckles]

Unbelievable.

Alright, permission granted.

Uh, yeah.

Shoot to kill, shoot to kill.

[grunting]

-Hey. -Huh.

I uh--

I couldn't help but see you out here

when I was looking out here for you.

Uh, without my laptop and my work

I'm feeling a little helpless.

I come shovel snow whenever I'm feeling helpless.

At least, I'm accomplishing something useful.

[exhales]

Let's cheer you up.

Oh.

Yeah, Authuh already offered to hit my sack, so.

I meant dinner.

Silly.

Whenever I was feeling down, my dead mom would always

get me a squashed hot cattle beef in a risen-yeast casing.

A hamburger?

[speaking gibberish]

[chuckling]

Alright, alright, but just this once, okay?

Yeah.

Actually, I happen to know just the place.

Two squashed hot cattle beef

in risen-yeast casings.

[Chris] Oh.

So, still not on that date, huh?

I'm only here, because Mary seems to think that

a hamburger is the cure to all my problems.

[mumbles] I feel better already.

And uh, what problems do you have to cure?

We're gonna lose the Cup of Cheer.

Our landlord, Ebenezer Chan,

is gonna take it away from us.

Say it ain't so.

It is so, so.

If he wants to save it, he has to pay the rent

by Christmas Eve.

The day before Christmas?

Exactly.

You can't make this stuff up.

Only in Snowy Heightsville Fallsto--

Mrs. Clovenwitch, I don't know how you do it.

How you stayed in business all these years.

Chris, you know it's none of your

goddamned business.

Yeah, Grandma Coco and I grew up together.

The day she opened up Cup of Cheer was the day

I opened Mrs. Clovenwitch's Mad Cow Diner.

I know, Mrs. Clovenwitch.

And I know how much you two loved each other,

and I know how distraught you were when she died,

and I know--

Whatever she told you, it didn't happen like that.

She sucked my--

Mrs. Clovenwitch, I can't talk about her.

Not now.

Not at Christmas.

Not when she--

Finger-blasted the literal shit out of my--

It's over.

It's done.

Cup of Cheer won't be able to sfford to pay rent

and that will be the end of Grandma Coco's legacy.

And my life for some reason.

Wait, Chris.

I think I can help.

You see, dear.

If Grandma Coco taught me anything,

it's that love is always

right under your nose.

[coughing]

[licking]

Oh, okay, so if you need any help,

you know that old Mrs. Clovenwitch

is always here for you.

I know, old Mrs. Clovenwitch.

[sighing]

I really don't see how you could help, Mary.

Well, you know, how I'm writing that article about

the town's world-famous Christmas cheer?

No, this is the first I'm hearing about it.

I'm writing an article about the town's world-famous

Christmas cheer.

This is the second I'm hearing about it.

No, I just told you a few seconds ago.

Told me about what?

I'm writing an article about the town's world-famous

Christmas cheer.

Hey, why didn't you say so, Mary?

What better to focus on for the story than the town's

very own hot cocoa shop?

Cup of Cheer.

It's cheerful as heck!

Mary, language, please.

This is a family establishment.

If anyone wants a quick screw, I'll be in the bathroom

for the next three minutes.

Who would wanna read about little old Cup of Cheer?

Face it.

It's over.

We're kaputched.

You remembered.

Almost.

Yo, who runs this litter box?

[Mai Ex] Come on.

Oh, what's a douche bro gotta do to score a hot piece

of cherry muffin?

And that's not a euphemism.

It better be loaded with bran, too,

because who has two thumbs and a moderate

to severe gastrointestinal problem?

Oh, this guy.

This guy, baby.

[grunting]

And who knows where I can snag a pair of undies?

And they don't have to be men's.

Unisex!

[chuckling]

[Chris] Uh, man, can you believe this guy?

He's probably some big city millionaire who thinks that

our small town is just another Christmas sideshow.

Wait, why do you look like that?

Look like what?

Me, look like something?

[chuckling]

Don't be silly.

Welcome.

How can I help you?

Well, you didn't hear any of my muffin bowels speech?

We get a lot of muffin bowels speeches here.

You're gonna have to be more specific, sweetheart.

I want a cherry

bran muffin.

I only have cinnamon ginger

flaxfart.

What, are you trying to kill me?

You ain't nothin' but a budget, Mrs. Claus!

I should go over there and give that guy a piece of my ass.

Seriously, what is going on with you?

[Mary] Nothing.

We're all our normal selves and hiding from no one.

Do you know that guy?

What guy?

[Mary] I didn't see no guy, okay?

Hmm, yeah?

You know what?

Let's talk about this article, hmm?

How I can help you out.

I'll do it for free, hmm?

It's gonna be tough without my laptop, really see uh,

no other way of writing it.

It's fine.

[grunting]

Which of you hillbillies

can spill the beans on this inbred town?

[grunting]

I--

I'm lookin' for intel.

Because I am about open up the nation's

100 millionth Cocoflaps franchise

right here in Snowmanville.

He's an entrepreneur!

Cocoflaps?

Don't you mean that big chain corporate poison

that destroys the mom-and-pop,

and brother-and-brotherbusinesses,

and churns out that lukewarm swill for $5 a cup

and calls it "hot cocoa"?

Well, you know what I call it?

I call it "hot chocolate".

[gasping]

So you've heard of Cocoflaps.

[Mai Ex] You know, I'm surprised a little country bumpkin like yourself

knows so much about the ins and outs of the hot cocoa industry.

[scoffing]

Can't wait to see you at the Cocoflaps' grand opening.

[scoffs]

I would'nt be caught dead there.

And if the opening is after Christmas Eve,

then I wouldn't be caught dead anywhere,

except the graveyard, because I will be dead. So-

Joke's on you.

We open Christmas Day.

[♪♪♪]

25 Main Street.

10:00 a.m.

Be there or be at another place somewhere else.

[spits]

[sighing]

Forget it, Chris.

Guys like that, they are not worth your time.

You are better than him.

You are a decent man who would nev--

Well, shut your fuck trap, Mary.

25 Main Street on Christmas Day?

Oh my God, you're right.

That's Cup of Cheer's address based on the one time

I was there earlier today.

And Christmas Day is the day after Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve?

That's the day before Christmas.

[sighing]

Chris, it's not too late to pay the rent

and prove that guy wrong, whoever he is,

obviously someone neither of us have any history with.

If I write the article about Cup of Cheer,

we can get customers from all over and raise enough money

to save Grandma Coco's legacy.

You're living in a winter wonderland, Mary.

He's not worth it, Chris.

[grunting]

This has nothing to do with him, Mary.

Guys like him, they'll always have their Cocoflaps

and their gastrointestinal problems

and I'll just be small-town,

healthy-shits Chris.

Like they used to call me on the playground.

It was a dark and stormy afternoon.

Monsieur Teacher said we would have an indoor recess,

but I knew that--

You just need some Christmas cheer.

Christmas cheer?

This is about Cocoflaps versus Cup of Cheer.

And cheer isn't gonna win this fight.

Darn.

Oh crap, he's my ride.

Oh, Santa Dog,

how do we save Christmas?

[♪♪♪]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

[chuckling]

How are you holdin' up in here?

Honestly, I'm worried about Chris.

All of these Cup of Cheer problems seem to be

weighing him down.

He's always being weighed down.

You know, the doctors say he's more susceptible to gravity

than the average man.

I wish I could help.

Oh, NASA tried.

Whenever I have a problem, I look at my Santa Dog

and I ask, "What would my dead parents do?"

Hmm, die, I guess.

I just don't know, Keith.

Well, you should get some rest.

Is there a place to put my case?

The closet.

[gasping]

What's that?

Son of a--

Say it ain't so!

Would you believe it?

There's something in it.

Looks like some sort of recipe.

Grandma Coco's critically-tolerated gingerbread cookies

in her lost world-famous typewriter we've not been

able to find even though she said in her will

exactly where it would be?

You know what this means, right?

I can finally write my article to save Cup of Cheer.

And these cookies--

Will cheer Chris up for sure!

Sorry, what?

-These cookies. -Huh?

Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

[Mary] I was only in Snowy Heightsville Fallstown Commoningdon

for a day,

but due to the needs of the story

and the character's relationship arcs,

it seemed like much longer.

Christmas was right around the corner now and it was up to me

to save Cup of Cheer.

But I didn't mind,

because I could already feel myself falling in--

[yelling]

Oh!

[laughing]

Oh, yes!

Authuh, how long have you been hiding there?

Oh, all night, Madam Wench,

and boy was it worth the frostbite on my willy's end

to see the look on your gob.

What in the willy's end is going on out here?

I believe I did it, Sir Keith.

Did what?

Well, last night when we were in your chamber

discussing my quest, we--

When was this?

You were asleep.

Sure.

My quest.

The reason I was sent here from the past.

It is my quest thatwill send me back to my own era.

Last night, while you were asleep

with your hog in your hand,

we mutually came to the conclusion that

I must help out at the town's annual Christmas tradition.

And you did that by hiding in a snow bank all night

and scaring me?

[chuckles]

Sir Arthuh do well?

I think there was a lot of inbreeding

in royal families back then.

Well, with my quest complete,

I shall now return to my jolly castle.

Alright, how's the article going?

Is Grandma Coco's typewriter treating you well?

Oh, the article is amazing.

Grandma Coco's typewriter is a dream.

Okay, well, she's not your grandma, so why don't you know,

back off and--

Oh, dear God.

[taking deep breaths]

I found here what I could not find back home.

Which was.

The thing with the snow bank for the town tradition

whatever, okay?

Now listen.

I need you to knight me

or something and send me back.

[♪♪♪]

Wait!

What does a prince need to do around here do

to get a hot load in the face?

The Christmas Eve tradition, I keep hearing about it.

What is it?

Oh, you mean, the Snowy Heightsville Fallstown

Common Hillingdon on the lake Christmas Eve

bake sale carolling competition--

Time capsule opening tradition snow globe building

competition wish making tradition?

-Yes. -Why?

What's so special about it?

What is it fundraise for?

Uh, well, Chris, and I, and Grandma Coco, uh,

we'd always bake her gingerbread cookies

and sell them to raise money for the local homeless shelter

for local homelesses.

Keith, it's perfect.

We can use the Christmas Eve--

Bake sale fundraiser comp--

-Carolling-- -Carolling--

-Competition-- -Competition--

Time capsule--

Opening tradition snow globe building

competition wish making tradition.

Yeah, okay, so we can use that thing

to raise money to save Cup of Cheer.

I love that idea.

But--

Chris, he'd never go for it.

His worst fear is becoming a charity case.

And even if he did, none of us know how to bake.

I realize I sound like Chris,

but it's hopeless.

Did someone say "bake"?

Yes, we all did, multiple times.

I--

I used to write for I Can Bake Magazine.

It was right after my job baking for I Can Write Magazine.

Oh wait, you were the baker for I Can Write Magazine?

No, I read about you in I can--

There's no time, Keith.

Why not?

Christmas.

Christmas?

Oh, that's the day after the Christmas Eve tradition.

Exactly.

And since I'm a great baker,

we better go convince Chris before it's too late.

[gun fires]

Keith, I've procured dinner.

I hope you like child.

Chris.

Is that a candy cane or you're just happy to see me?

Oh God, no, that's a boner.

I have a massive boner.

Oh, crap.

Chris, we found Grandma Coco's gingerbread recipe.

And her typewriter.

[Mary] Keith told me about the Christmas Eve fundraiser.

It's the perfect opportunity.

We can make Grandma Coco's cookies--

And sell them to townspeople.

If we believe and have enough Christmas cheer,

maybe we can raise enough to save Cup of Cheer.

So you want us to save ourselves from Cocoflaps

by becoming a charity case?

You know what I have to say about that?

You love it?

I knew it, I knew, I knew.

I've known you for almost two days and I've always said,

"Chris is the kind of guy person I've known for almost two days."

I hate your idea.

Getting folks to buy stuff from us

just to keep our business afloat?

Is that the kind of legacy Grandma Coco would have wanted?

-You just described a business. -I never met the woman.

No.

Come on, Mary.

Let's go.

I told you Chris would be like this.

Hey lady, we're not open yet, okay?

So take a hike, doll.

Oh, it's you.

Please, leave.

I couldn't figure out what device you lads

use to cook with, so I left the child

above the fireplace.

Why do you all look so glum?

We were trying to save Cup of Cheer,

but someone isn't having any of it.

And that someone is Chris.

Chris this guy here, the someone,

the one with the huge--

Look, I only hated your idea, because it's a dumb idea

and you guys are ignorant.

Hate, you say?

The only thing more powerful than hate

is love.

You guys-- you guys must take me for some sorta

humbug.

Humbug?

Oh, Chris, you're not a humbug.

You're a hum-man.

A hum-man.

A human.

And I'll be damned if you're not my brother, bro.

Okay, well, I appreciate everything you're doing,

but Grandma Coco would never have begged.

All that's left to do is to open up these doors

one final time and serve our loyal customers

a final few cups of Christmas cheer.

Bow out gracefully.

It's what Grandma Coco would've wanted.

[glass breaks]

She was losing it in her final years.

Listen, the point is--

[sighing]

We're not gonna accept charity, we're not.

And we're not gonna ask for help.

End of sentence.

Period.

You should know all about those, Mary.

Huh, clever.

Uh, because of her monthly bewitchings of the um--

[Chris] Oh, oh.

Oh God, no.

Uh, no, it's because she's a writer.

Maybe you can't help that you can't ask for help,

but I can.

[Mary] Help it.

We're gonna help you whether you like it or not.

Come on, Keith.

We have got some baking to do.

[Mary] We're gonna bake.

Some cookies.

We're gonna bake.

Chris, you knew Grandma Coco better than anyone.

If you don't wanna tarnish her legacy,

then we can still honour it by

baking her spicy,

beefy sour--

Oh, Gingerbread cookies.

Oh, oh!

Without asking for charity?

Yeah, not if you don't want to.

[Keith] Just don't be afraid to ask for help.

Mary's right.

You haven't been asking for it enough, lately.

I ask for help.

Keith, I can ask for help.

I'll ask Authuh for help.

Okay, yeah, I don't know.

Um, just turn on the tree lights.

Right away.

Hey, sugar tits.

Come here often?

Let's get baking.

Mm.

This recipe is centuries old!

It was passed down to Grandma Coco

by some tall guy on a ladder.

[♪♪♪]

At least, it's still up here.

(thus)

Grandma Coco.

[♪♪♪]

[chuckling]

You want me.

The traditional pudding of my royal family house.

Spotless dick.

[taking deep breaths]

[♪♪♪]

Guys, this looks like a lot of gingerbread for just us.

Are you sure you're not doin' it to raise money?

Oh, lighten up.

[chuckling]

It's just a harmless bit of Christmas cheer.

Just for us.

[laughing]

He's cute.

[laughing]

[Chris] Oh, oh.

♪ Christmas is comin'

♪ And I wanna know

♪ I wanna know

♪ Will you holly my jolly

♪ If I decked your halls, wrapped up in a bone ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ All my wishes are comin'

♪ Wishes are comin'

♪ Santa's bringing the ho-hos

♪ Special people, I love drinkin' cup after cup ♪

♪ Of my favourite cocoa

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ So I raise my cup of cheer

♪ Toast to another lovely year

♪ Santa baby, won't you

♪ Christmas is comin'

It really is the best hot cocoa I've had.

Ever.

So it's all that secret cinnamon.

And maybe a tiny bit of love.

I knew it.

[chuckling]

I knew it.

[slurping]

[grunting]

[chuckling]

[burping]

[chuckling]

Phew!

You know, I'm going to miss Cup of Cheer.

Wakin' up every morning at 4:00 a.m.

to boil the hot water by blowin' hot air on it

with my mouth, wipin' down the toilet bowls

using my head as a toilet brush.

Even gonna miss cleaning the mugs at the end of the night

by letting our dog Archie lick 'em.

Oh, hi.

[chuckling]

You know, what you said to me when we first met yesterday?

You said that giving up at the first sign of trouble

is typical big city behaviour.

And look who's giving up now.

Maybe you just need someone who won't give up on you.

No, I think I've made up my mind, you know?

And if uh, if you ever betray me

or like go behind my back for any reason,

even if it's to benefit me,

because I'm being needlessly stubborn--

I swear to God, Mary, I will deck your halls.

You know, what I realized when I first moved to the big city?

That you're only small-town hot?

I'd rather be small-town hot than low-budget Christmas movie

parody leading man material, but--

-That's just my type. -That's just my type.

[chuckling]

Anyways, um

I realized that in a place where everyone looks out

for themselves, it's easy to think it's all about you.

And that the only things that matter are your career

or your mortgage or your own happiness

or your feminine rights to self-determination of your own body

in a world with an increasingly fraught and fractured

political spectrum where common sense is often

outweighed by sensationalism and fervour spread

via social media by bigots and foreign governments trying

to undermine democracy as a whole.

[chuckles]

Right, so those things don't matter?

Not here, Chris.

[Mary] Not-- not in this town!

Not at Christmas.

Right, they just seem like worthy things we should

all want--

The lesson, Chris, is that when you're in a small town

like Snowy--

You're close.

What matters is love.

I see what you're saying.

It's up to all of us to stick together

and help each other out.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying, yeah.

As long as that help doesn't come in the form of charity

and people raising money to help save Cup of Cheer.

Hmm, shoot.

But I think I understand what you mean.

It's about family.

Who the poop is that?

It's my niece, Georgia.

Oh.

What do you think, Georgia?

Do we trust Mary enough to show her our

secret family-only Christmas spot?

New mommy.

Hmm.

Let's go.

Okay, Georgia.

You stay here, okay, and play in the snow.

[Chris] Mary and I are gonna go.

We'll be watching you, don't worry, okay.

Wow, this is amazing.

And conveniently empty for around Christmas.

I could get used to this town.

Yeah, it's pretty great.

Just really hasn't been the same since um--

You can tell me, Chris--

Christmas Eve, last year.

The snow was coming down pretty hard by the time Grandma Coco

was closin' up shop.

The weather outside, it was frightful.

-And the fire-- -Was so delightful?

No, it took three lives down at the bakery.

It was tragic.

Keith workin' at his job as Flash, the Mall Elf

and I was supposed to go help Grandma Coco lock up but--

But I was at the Christmas Eve fundraiser.

My entire life Grandma Coco has always been there to help me.

She wiped my tears away when I cried,

she wiped my bum-bum when I took a big hot stinky.

Now, when she needed help the most on Christmas Eve,

I--

It's too painful, Chris, you don't have to--

She died doin' what she loved.

-[Mary] Working in the shop-- -Black-tar heroin.

I still remember her smile.

That loose-toothed smile.

I can see why this time of year is so hard for you.

That's why I will never, ever--

-Do heroin? -Ask for help on Christmas Eve.

I mean why should anybody help me

if I couldn't even help my own Grandma Coco?

Everybody can use a little help.

[Chris] Maybe.

Maybe my help came in the form of this awful man opening

up a Cocoflaps, putting me out of my misery.

You know, maybe this terrible man,

and everybody he knows, and is associated with

is the lump of coal in my stocking

here to punish me for all my past mistakes.

Maybe--

Maybe I'm gonna kiss you right now.

Oh.

Just like Grandma Coco taught me.

Oh.

The secret is lots of give in your teeth.

Oh.

-Chris. -Oh, Mary.

-Chris. -Mary.

-Mary. -Chris.

Chris, no, I--

I have to tell you something.

The Cocoflaps man from the diner, he's--

He's my ex.

Mai Ex.

He's your ex?

Yes, and also Mai Ex.

I don't understand.

What? Why are you rubbing it in?

Did you send him here to shut down Cup of Cheer?

What, no!

Why would I do that?

I didn't know he was coming.

-I promise I'm not-- -I'm not like what?

Like all these other city slickers?

That come here, lying and cheating their way into

this beautiful small town just for easy access to abortions?

God, Mary, you already admitted it.

You know, you can take the girl out of the big city,

but you can't put a small town

in a big girl.

[sighs]

[Mary] If there is one thing I know about this town,

it's that today is Christmas Eve in this town.

Chris.

Come back.

Chris.

[Mary] Thanks to all the Christmas cheer,

nothing bad happens here and--

and no one ever upsets the man they're falling for

because their ex comes to town

to close Cup of Cheer.

It's all lies.

It's over.

Uh, my private shoulder.

Everyone is so on edge today.

Chris wouldn't even tuck me in last night.

I'm sorry.

We're all going through stuff right now, Authuh.

We really do need to save your Christmas cheer.

Do you know what happened to my mother when she lost

her Christmas cheer?

No, what happened?

Nothing, she was burnt at the stake for sneezing in church.

[gasps]

But you, Mary, you can do something.

You told me it was your ex-betrothed causing

all the problems, yes?

I never told you that, but yes.

Well, go talk to him.

Oh my gosh.

Authuh, you're right.

Yes, yes, marry your ex,

take over this town with him.

Have Chris beheaded.

It's the right thing to do.

Oh, I'll go and talk to Mai Ex

and see if there is a way I can put an end

to all of this.

Perhaps, you can help--

Old Authuh here.

Put an end to his suffering and--

Send me back home?

Kill them.

Kill them all.

Yeah, of course.

[kissing]

That's how I get back home.

Yeah!

[♪♪♪]

[sniffing]

Slam dunk! - Oh, touchdown!

What can I get you, boys?

Uh, why don't you shut up, go back to the kitchen,

and make me a sandwich, B word?

One sandwich, comin' up.

Wait, no, actually I want a cinnamon bun.

Hold the cinnamon, extra bun.

Oh, look who it is!

How'd you know where to find me?

I saw you here the other day.

I figured you'd still be here knowing how much you love

to not leave places.

Uh, you ain't wrong.

I came to stop you from making a big mistake.

Too late.

What?

That's when my bedtime is these days.

Miss me now?

I'm a big boy.

-Big baby boy. -Mmhmm.

5'7".

I'm talking about Cup of Cheer.

You can't take it over.

It's not like--

One cinnamon bun, no cinnamon.

Are you sure there's no cinnamon?

[Mai Ex] I'm deathly allergic.

But even big boys can have allergies.

My adult paediatrician even said so, yeah.

No cinnamon.

Hey, I'm not afraid to sue.

I sued my own mother for sneezing in church.

Now, Mary, listen and listen real close.

I've said it once and I will say it again.

I've said it once and I will say it again,

but I will not repeat myself.

Cup of Cheer is dead.

Cocoflaps is takin' over

and I won't repeat myself about that.

I even paid the landlord to make Cup of Cheer's rent due sooner

to get rid of them before Christmas

and I won't repeat myself.

You made the rent due sooner?

Of course I did, babes!

I won't stop until I get what I want.

And you know what else I did?

Sent a spy undercover as a time-travelling British prince

to gather information?

Oh, come on, please, that's the oldest trick in the book.

You know, your precious boy Chris?

The guy this conversation is about?

So you do know him.

I thought so.

I kidnapped his niece.

Well, my henchman did.

Well, actually, I outsourced it to my henchman.

What? His niece?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

the one you went skating with.

I took away what he loved the most.

Oh, no.

I don't think he's noticed.

No one noticed.

[laughing]

Dude, no one gives a shit.

That is messed up!

You know what, buster?

This means war.

Meet World War I and World War II,

and they're about to enact the Morgenthau Plan

all over your face

by eliminating your ability to rebuild an arms industry

via the removal of industries necessary

for basic military strength.

Because in this scenario,

you are occupied post-war Germany,

and I am the Allied Forces,

and as a result of the Morgenthau Plan,

your ability to wage war will be severely hampered

by my efforts.

Aw!

You always look pretty when you're bein'

all smarty-pants.

Chris, no!

No, it's not what it looks like.

Chris!

[Mai Ex] Look at you.

You leave her alone!

[grunting]

Thank you, Mrs. Clovenshart.

You know, you're a regular Harry Dexter White,

who, as we now know was--

Instrumental in the drafting of the original

Morgenthau memorandum!

Well done, nice, yeah.

Oh, Mary, you're always so pretty

when you're being all smarty-pants.

[chuckling]

Oh my butterscotch, I gotta go!

You guys make your own goddamn dinner.

You don't scare me.

I know exactly what to do to stop you.

[spitting]

Please!

I butt-chug people like you for breakfast.

That's the reason why my bowels are so unhealthy.

Mary.

Merry Christmas.

No.

Merry Christmas to you.

Come here.

Good boy.

Up next is Santa's

biggest helper.

Get it up for Flash Them All Elf.

[indistinct lyrics]

[♪♪♪]

Keith.

[♪♪♪]

Keith.

I'm Flash Them All Elf,

and I'm here to flash you all, because

you're on my naughty list

and my jingle balls need some sugar plums.

[indistinct lyrics]

Keith!

Look, I didn't know who else to go to.

It's Mary, she--

Her ex is the one who is closing us down, and opening up

a Cocoflaps, and I saw them together and--

God.

I need you, brother bro.

[indistinct lyrics]

I'm glad you came to see me.

Sometimes love means giving people a chance

and sometimes it means roasting my chestnuts.

I have given her chances.

I even went to see her after she lied about her ex and--

You should've seen the way they were embracing each other.

And the way that she was allowing him

to swish her face around roughly

and angrily by him

and she was loving it.

Looks like Flash Them All Elf needs to

come down from the North Pole

and ride a certain someone like a sleigh.

Oh God, not this again.

It's the only way I can talk at work.

You say the same thing at home.

Are you sure you saw what you think you saw?

Mary doesn't seem like the kind of girl who would do that.

I want to come down your chimney and then I want you

to cum inside it.

What?

Look, I saw what she did with my own two eyes.

You need to get her out of the house.

Will someone make it reindeer

if I whip out my red nose?

Last time I whipped out my red nose,

it gave someone pink eye.

Oh, you know what?

If you didn't wanna spread your Christmas cheer over my face,

none of this would have happened!

You know who has Christmas cheer?

Mary Nice Lady.

Mary does.

[Keith] Mary has Christmas cheer.

Cup of Cheer is a store!

Screw me until your balls turn green, you dirty little grunch.

[gasps]

[indistinct lyrics]

I wish I could help,

but I don't get off until someone

gets me off.

Um, Christmas!

Actually I get off at 7:00.

But what am I supposed to do until then?

I'm miserable and it's Christmas Eve!

Christmas Eve?

Looks like Christmas came early.

Actually, my name is Keith Mas

and I always cum early.

Oh.

[Mary] Chris?

Chris Mas?

It's Mary.

Mary Nice Lady.

From earlier.

I need to tell you something important.

[magic sounds]

Chris?

Oh, it's just the loan sharks again.

Looks like a Christmas Eve storm is coming in.

Do you have somewhere to weather the storm, young lady?

I was supposed to go to the Christmas Eve fundraiser but--

But I don't think I'm wanted now.

Come by my workshop in 15 minutes.

I think when you get there you will find exactly

what you're looking for.

Have it.

Oh.

[chuckling]

Oh!

Mrs. Clovenwitch.

Yes, dear.

But you may call me "the Ghost of Christmas Past",

Chris Mas.

The Ghost of Christmas Past Christmas?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

I've known Grandma Coco for many years

and she used to have a saying that went something like this,

"Accept the help to save Cup of Cheer

and accept that you love Mary."

She said that?

Yeah, all the time.

Uh, but back then we used to laugh it off

as the heroin talking.

But it makes sense now.

Oh God, no-- I hate to say this and excuse my foul language,

but bah, flippin' humbug.

Grandma Coco's dead and her Christmas cheer died with her.

And now, Cup of Cheer will die, too.

Sooner or later, you'll figure it out

even if it takes a Christmas miracle.

Mary?

Oh, one more thing, Chris.

Hold this, I need to find my bus pass.

So, if you're the Ghost of Christmas Past,

are you like dead or something?

So now you ask, because up until now

it's been all me, me, me.

Selfish little turd.

[Santa] So what is it now, Chris?

Work?

Hmm?

Girl problems?

Boy problems?

I didn't wanna say anything,

but I saw your brother giving you a lap dance.

Call me old fashioned, but I don't think incest is so bad

if it's two guys.

You know Chris, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Presents.

[grunting]

I'm Santa.

Let me guess.

You want me to change, to accept charity?

To kiss Mary under the mistletoe?

Christmas is a time to focus on friends, okay, not enemies.

Keep that in mind for what's about to happen.

Hmm.

Give me a virgin.

A virgin what?

A blonde one with a shaved asshole.

Sorry, pal. Fresh out.

Fine.

I'll take a whiskey.

Unless your asshole is shaved.

Not since my submarine business went under.

Where's the shitter?

I usually just go anywhere.

Oh!

Mary?

Madame Clodhopper, thank goodness.

Mary, tell me you're looking for Chris.

I can't find him.

I need to tell him some important information

about defeating Mai Ex.

Well, the last time I saw him, he was walking that way.

That's the general direction of Santa's Workshop Pub.

Go, Mary!

You go get your man.

Go, get him!

You bring out the best in him, just like Grandma Coco did.

It was her and her Christmas cheer that made him donate

all of Cup of Cheer's money.

That's why he can't pay the rent.

Since she's gone,

his heart shrunk three sizes

until you came Mary.

We could all see!

You and Grandma Coco.

You bring him out of his shell the way

a dog's dick pops out of its casing

like a melted lipstick.

I'm afraid if I don't find him soon,

Cup of Cheer will be gone forever

and we'll never find his niece.

She's been kidnapped by the way, apparently.

Oh, you just leave finding his niece to me.

Before I ran a small town diner,

I used to kidnap children for a living.

Now, go.

Go and spread that Christmas cheer like the wet

pink dog dick that you are.

[fart noises]

You know,

I'm startin' to think that you're following me around.

What can I say?

I like to stalk my prey.

Like one of Mary's famous loan sharks.

So if I'm your prey

and you're the shark,

then what's that make Mary?

[taking deep breaths]

Some sexy mermaid

that does all your dirty work for you?

[Mai Ex] You've really fallen for her, huh?

Fallen for her tricks, sure.

She was your little plant all along, wasn't she?

[Mai Ex] Sexy mermaid, little plant.

[Mai Ex] You really have some pervy fantasies about me and Mary.

I know who you are.

You're her ex.

[Mai Ex] Her ex?

I'm Mai Ex.

What?

My ex?

[Chris] That doesn't make any sense unless you're that guy

from college with the long and skinny--

[Mai Ex] No, no.

My name is Mai Ex.

Your name is Mai Ex and you're her ex?

Her Ex is my middle name.

My name is Mai Ex Her Ex Hernandez Ex.

[Mai Ex] If you want, you can call me "Urex".

Why would I want that?

[Mai Ex] It's my nickname.

So, are you Mary's ex?

Yeah, but not for long.

If you don't catch my sloppy seconds, I'm gonna catch them.

And then she's gonna catch something.

[Mai Ex] Feelings.

[Mai Ex] And bird flu bed bugs.

I knew it.

She's just like all you other city folk.

Are you kidding?

Mary, a city folk?

I guess you didn't know that she grew up in this shithole.

Deep down she'll always be a small-town girl.

Wanna know why she broke up with me?

It's 'cause I decided to close down some family-run

hot cocoa shop in the city that she liked

and I put in a Cocoflaps.

And then I murdered the family.

Financially.

With a gun.

She really broke up with you because of that?

Maybe I have her all wrong.

[Mai Ex] Oh.

[grunting]

Doesn't matter, Mr. Healthy-Shits Chris.

Small town girl or not, I'm gonna get her back

and take her from you just like I'm taking Cup of Cheer.

You know what, Tex-Mex?

[blowing air]

Christmas is a time for friends, not enemies.

[blowing air]

You do what you gotta do, dude.

I will.

I just need to wash my hands first.

Is Chris here?

You told me to come here.

Is he in the bathroom?

Mary,

Chris is a good man

and you are a nice lady.

I think you know what you have to do to win him back.

You're right.

I came here a career woman,

but to be with Chris, I need to be

a career man?

Close.

You see, Mary, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Presents.

And what did you say yesterday in the recently

previous present?

The past?

Well, I told Chris that in this town

what matters is love.

And he said, "It's about family."

Family and love.

Of course!

That's where he'll be!

[Authuh grunting in distance]

[taking deep breaths]

[Chris] Hey, how's it goin', buddy?

Thank the jester you've arrived.

I'm about to go back to my hometown any moment now.

I can feel myself piercing through the time plane

like a dog's peen emerging from the scabbard like a drenched--

[grunting]

Okay, well, good luck.

I gotta go find Keith and--

[Authuh] Sir Chris!

I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future.

What, why?

Aren't you supposed to be from the past?

Yes, but I'm-- I'm currently in your present.

Then why aren't you the Ghost of Christmas Present?

Uh, because your present is my future.

It's the future for me.

Therefore, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Authuh, I gotta go, okay?

[Authuh] Uh, wait!

When I came here, I had no one.

But your brother, Sir Keith,

he gave me a place to stay when no one else would,

because he is a good man

who has the warmth of the Christmas spirit

burning deep in the hearth of his heart.

You have that spirit, too.

I've seen it.

I know you maybe more of a grower than a shower,

when you let it to grow, it does.

All big and pointing proudly to the sky,

defying the witch's heavy air.

Gravity?

No. No!

It's Authuh!

No, gravity.

Like falling in.

[sighing]

You're here to help me learn how to accept

people into my heart.

[chuckling]

How to believe them.

How to--

How to let in Christmas cheer.

And how to accept kindness from others

and how to--

And how to allow myself

to fall in love.

Chris.

What a beautiful lesson.

[laughing]

[grunting]

-Authuh, Authuh. -Oh, oh, oh.

Thank you.

[kissing]

If I leave now, I can still make it in time for the

annual Christmas Eve bake sale fundraiser

carolling competition time capsule opening

tradition snow globe building competition

wish making tradition.

Well, now, I'll be a bit late, but--

Oh, well.

Don't thank me.

I was just uh, trying to tell you that

you should allow Keith and Mary to raise enough shillings

to save your brown water shop.

I'm comin', Mary!

As a rich prince, I understand that wealth

truly is the

purest form of happiness.

Have I been misinterpreting Christmas

this entire time?

-[Mary] Keith. -Oh!

Have you see Chris?

Oh, Mary, he's gone.

He's dead?

No, he left!

He left town?

No, he's at the Christmas Eve fundraiser.

I just saw him leave.

If we leave right now, we can still make it.

We can make it?

Yeah, if we leave like--

-For the fundraiser? -Yes.

-Come on, let's go. -Yeah.

I just ran here from town to--

Do you think we have time to call a cab--

Yeah, no, it's fine, we can run.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Oh.

[♪♪♪]

There's no time.

Get out of here.

Run!

We have important things to do!

Get away from the car, ma'am!

[Mary] Keith, tell me where I'm going.

[Keith] Go straight ahead.

Just keep goin' straight.

And then you're gonna go straight again.

And then you're gonna go straight.

Oh, this isn't the Snowy Heights I grew up in.

And then hang on straight left.

In a different state!

And sharp straight!

Hey!

Keep it down back there.

I will turn

this vehicle around.

Lady, would you back up the car, please?

[Keith] Keep backing, keep go--

[Keith screaming]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no.

Oh my, no way.

Are you okay?

Mary.

It's okay.

You just go on without me.

[taking deep breaths]

O-- okay, okay.

[grunting]

It's what Grandma Coco would have wanted.

She wanted me to leave you to die in a parking lot?

Just go.

I'll never forget you, Carl.

It's Keith.

I'll never forget you, Carl.

[choir] ♪ Silent night

♪ Silent night

♪ Silent night

[choir] ♪ Silent night

♪ Silent night

[choir] ♪ Silent night

Mary?

Mary.

Mary?

[choir] ♪ Night

Oh.

[shushing]

♪ Cocoflaps, Cocoflaps, Coco, Cocoflaps ♪

♪ Ooh, Cocoflaps, oh, the Cocoflaps ♪

♪ Oh, the Coco, Cocoflaps ♪

You're not welcome here, Xbox.

Yeah?

You can say that about anywhere,

including my Mom's house on Tuesday nights.

She has her friends over.

And I sued her, we don't get along.

I even sided with my dad in the custody battle

and I never even met him.

The judge said I was the most offensive

toddler of all time.

And that's another place I'm not allowed.

That judge's courtroom!

-And another-- -What are you doin' here, man?

Well, I heard about your pathetic last-ditch efforts

to save Cup of Cheer.

I mean not to be a party pooper or anything, but uh,

I've been savin' up the biggest Christmas stinky of all time.

Sabotage.

How?

With sabotage.

I mean gay tidings you my bromo, but I'm gonna--

[Mary] Wait!

Wait.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you wait.

I was just about to tell him to suck my bum!

No, you wait!

Mary here was talking.

[Keith] Wait.

[gasping]

Why do you look so surprised?

I thought he was dead.

What?

She just left me there.

The fundraiser was more important.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I have learned something since I've been in this town.

[indistinct whispering]

[clears throat]

Anyways.

The lesson I've learned is this.

This Christmas, we should all share

a Cup of Cheer.

Mary, please, like I'm gonna drink this trash.

Oh, so you don't like hot cocoa?

Anyone who drinks hot cocoa is a--

Go on.

This 2002 camcorder is live streaming

to the entire planet.

I'm sure the people of the internet would love to know

why a big shot Cocoflaps franchise owner with over

one location in the tri-state area doesn't

like hot cocoa.

I love hot cocoa.

I drink hot cocoa all the time.

So hot and um--

Crunchy.

Hmm, that's--

Sip.

Sip.

Sip.

Sip, sip, sip.

Sip, sip, sip, sip--

Yep--

Sip.

Sip it!

Sip, sip--

-Sip. -Sip, sip.

Go on!

[yelling]

Sip, sip on!

[grunting]

What?

[takes a deep breath]

Sip.

What happened?

I've been running around trying to tell you.

Tell me what?

Tell me, what?

The secret ingredient.

He was allergic to cinnamon.

-It was deadly. -Yeah?

Um, he's like actually dead.

But how did you know about the cinnamon?

It was at the diner when I found out he was allergic

to cinnamon that I knew.

Oh, Mary, I--

[Sheriff Rudolph] Hold it.

This man's under arrest for crimes against humanity.

-Deputy, help me out. -Right.

You got the right to remain silent.

Anything-- hello?

Ain't gonna talk to me, hmm?

[Mrs. Clovenwitch] Nobody move!

Who's that?

That's Mort Clomppingbats.

Uh, no, the girl.

Is that our niece?

I found your niece for you.

No charge.

That isn't her, is it?

- No, seems about right. - Yeah

[chuckles]

Hey, thank you, Mrs.-- golly, you know?

I don't think I know your first name.

It's Eve.

Mary, Chris Mas, Eve, Keith.

Oh, I'm sorry.

One more thing.

Officer Rudolph!

Lady Hammerdoodle here told me that she used to

kidnap children.

She's also severely racist.

Arrest her.

I'll be happy to.

And the evidence is concrete.

Alright, come on. Let's go.

Mary.

Mary, how could you do this to me?

[Sheriff Rudolph] Come on, let's go.

What a crazy Christmas Eve!

Don't say that name ever again.

Okay.

-Mary, I-- -Chris, I--

I love you, okay?

I love the way your name is Chris Mas.

Yeah, okay.

I love you, too.

Thanks.

Yeah.

I mean I'm sure there's other things I love about you

I just haven't found out yet.

We just met three days ago.

Mary.

Chris.

-Mas. -Mas.

Merry Christmas!

[blowing air]

[♪♪♪]

[grunting]

[♪♪♪]

Oh.

[chuckling]

Well, let's sell some gingerbread cookies

and save Cup of Cheer!

[cheering]

Woo.

- Wait, whose gingerbread cookies are you selling?

I've got the cookies here.

Oh, um--

Are those my cookies for the orphanage?

These are your cookies.

They're orphans, though.

They'll be grateful anyways, right?

Yeah, yeah.

[indistinct speech]

[laughing]

So that's stupid.

You're so stupid.

This is so nice.

Thank you so--

Thank you so much.

[crunching]

[chuckling]

[♪♪♪]

[indistinct speech]

-it's okay. -Yeah.

Okay, yeah, okay.

Is this gluten-free?

No, it's $5.

[Chris] 2-- 2,615.

-2,620. -2,330.

6,220. 2,340.

2,300 something.

Did we do it? Did we make enough?

No.

-We're $5 shor-- -$5 short.

I knew that, too.

Well, I guess this is it, guys.

It's over.

Chris.

Keith, Hang on.

[Mary screaming in distance]

So...

Uh, so which big city is Mary from?

[screaming]

[♪♪♪]

[clears throat]

Fuck.

[screaming]

[takes a deep breath]

Goodbye, Santa Dog.

Be a good boy.

Guys, it's not over.

It's not?

I'm going to sell my most beloved possession

to help all of us,

to save Cup of Cheer.

[♪♪♪]

How much for the fluffy toad?

This is Santa Dog.

He is my best friend ever and he's looking for a new home--

-$5. -Okay.

-Mary, you did it! -Yeah.

You saved Cup of Cheer and you saved Christmas.

[Mary] And we learned about Christmas cheer.

And finding love, and making new friends.

And most importantly, we learnt that small towns

are way better than big cities.

And that's what Christmas is all about.

Hey, where did our niece go?

Hmm.

Come on, guys.

Let's go home.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

What are all these presents?

There's-- oh, uh, huh.

There's only one man who could've done this.

Santa.

From the bar.

[grunting]

[chuckling]

Merry Christmas, one and all.

- Oh my God.

Authuh, you're back.

Are we sure he even left?

Uh, I have indeed returned.

I after spending a night in my own era,

in my castle, I realized something.

Uh, Sir Chris was right.

Christmas is truly all about

falling in love.

So, Sir Keith,

I came back for you, Keith.

That was my quest all along.

You.

Oh, me? Huh?

[chuckling]

I love you, Sir Keith.

Okay. Yes.

A million times yes.

Neat.

So we're in love then?

Sure.

-Authuh, uh,-- -[Authuh] Uh, yeah.

You sure you didn't come back for me?

[Authuh] Oh, Sir Chris.

You're my best friend.

Oh, shall we open presents?

Me first.

[chuckling]

[gasping]

Santa knew.

He really knew.

And he has a baby!

-Aw! -Aw!

It's nice.

Oh, Mary, I uh, I meant to ask you.

How did the article go?

Shit!

Shit!

Fuck!

Shit!

♪ When the snow falls, baby

♪ I will run to you

♪ Sweater paws, it's cold outside ♪

♪ And I'm feelin' blue

♪ These winds are mine

♪ So I need a thing or two

♪ And I don't want another Christmas ♪

♪ Without you

♪ Merry Christmas

♪ And a Happy New Year

♪ I always wish that

♪ I could change the past year

♪ Put words together

♪ And the weather's better out here ♪

♪ When the snow falls

♪ I'll run to you

♪ When the snow falls

♪ Maybe I will fall for you

♪ So many thousand cold, cold hearts ♪

♪ There is love outside

♪ Do you feel it, too

♪ These last few lines

♪ I need a thing or two

♪ That every Christmas

♪ I'll be thinkin' about you

♪ Thinkin' about you

♪ Merry Christmas

♪ And a Happy New Year

♪ I always wish that

♪ I could change the past year

♪ Put words together

♪ And the weather's better out here ♪

♪ When the snow falls

♪ I'll run to you

♪ When the snow falls

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ I'll run to you

♪ When the snow falls

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ I'll run to you

♪ When the snow falls

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ I'll run to you

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ I'll run to you

♪ Merry Christmas

♪ And a Happy New Year

♪ I always wish that

♪ I could change the past year

♪ Put words together

♪ And the weather's better out here ♪

♪ When the snow falls

♪ I'll run to you