Original subtitles

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[Jennifer] When I was growing up

Christmastime always meant bundling up

to go caroling, going skiing with friends,

or sitting with your family by the warm fire.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Now, ever since I moved to sunny Southern California,

it's meant wearing a pair of Uggs with your skirt

or going to the beach with a Santa hat on.

And ever since I started college, it's been a break from classes,

time with your friends, freedom.

Unless you're me, and you need extra credit for your art history major.

In that case, you find yourself spending the holidays at school,

picking up extra hours working at the local museum

while your best friend goes to Cabo.

This is my story.

Adiós, amigos. Merry Christmas.

Oh! Oh! [Paige shrieks]

Hello, Paige.

[Jennifer] That's Paige Sutherby, my best friend.

Just look at her clothes. Her parents are loaded.

They're always jet-setting somewhere for the holidays. Last year it was Fiji.

This year she'll be spending Christmas down in Cabo.

Where do you plan on going with that big old suitcase?

Two miles up the road to Mommy and Daddy's house?

Frank, let's lay off the Christmas cookies this year, huh?

Frank is a history major.

He recently decided to start a new diet and exercise regimen,

which pretty much means he'll actually get up to change the channel

instead of using the remote.

And if you must know, I'm going to Cabo.

Enjoy yourself.

Hope it rains.

* Antsy imposition *

* If you show me yours * Whoo!

* I'll show you mine, mine *

* Don't usually know this quickly, but you feel so good on me *

* Your kisses taste like Christmas Unwrap my inhibitions *

Are you sure you don't want to come with me? Cabo's gonna be awesome.

Oh, I'm sure of it. Thanks for thinking about me.

It's depressing, Jen. No one should be alone in these dorms,

let alone on Christmas.

I've got a job at the Monta Bay Exhibition

at the Douvet Gallery in town.

That's really boring. I'm getting paid great money,

and it's a collection that I've always wanted to see.

Paige, I will be here. So I'll tell you what. I'm gonna look after her.

I'm gonna take really extra special good care of her,

and nothing bad will come to her.

[Jennifer] Ugh. And the film major over there

who looks like he just stepped out of a John Hughes movie, that's Bert Heller.

He's had a crush on me since freshman orientation, but doesn't think I've noticed.

Don't let the hat fool you. He's actually a good guy.

Gross. Is that what you want all Christmas break,

Bert Heller trying to catch your sweat?

You wish you could catch my sweat.

Please.

[Jennifer laughs]

But you are gonna have more fun.

So please tell your parents I said Merry Christmas.

I will. And keep your cell phone on you. I'll be calling.

And you... keep your paws off her.

** [rock]

No, I don't give a crap that it's Christmas.

You didn't call your daughter on her birthday,

but you remember the birth of Baby Jesus.

That's great.

[Jennifer] That's Cassie.

She's an English major,

but her real focus is tennis.

Thanks to her, Denherst was number one in our division

for the third year in a row.

Personally, I think she hits the ball well

because she's always angry.

Of course, if you had her parents, you'd be upset, too.

Excuse me. Will you mind your own business, Bert?

Mom, shut up!

My goodness! You should respect your elders.

Didn't anyone teach you that?

I'm not coming home for the holidays, okay?

You and that guy aren't even gonna notice I'm there.

Dad's running around with his new little girlfriend.

Okay, no. Yeah. Yeah, I am gonna stay here.

How about that? I'll stay here for Christmas.

[Bert sighs] Duncan! What the heck!

You cannot be be breaking up with me right before Christmas break!

Kate, we're not broken up because we were never together.

But we had so much fun together. Like that night in the hammock.

Whoa. Check this out.

Okay, I'm lying. You're super hot, and I had fun.

[Jennifer] And Duncan Douvet.

Hmm. Where do I begin?

I mean, just look at his smile.

Handsome, charming, and obscenely rich.

Douvet Auditorium, Douvet Art Gallery.

His grandmother Diane is pretty much my idol.

That's his family. It's too bad he doesn't even know I exist.

Not like I'd never have a chance with a guy like that.

So, we can stay together?

No.

But it was fun while it lasted, right?

Why are all the gorgeous, vapid women taken?

[scoffs]

[huffs]

Uh, maybe not.

I love masterpieces.

[Jennifer] That's Alfred, computer science.

Voted most likely to invent something that changes the world

and become a billionaire by age 25.

Also voted least likely to lose his virginity by age 40.

When you gonna be done with that, Alfred? And what the heck is it?

It's light years beyond your level of understanding, Duncan.

And it requires intense focus, okay?

When you gonna go, huh? Tonight.

I got a meeting with the dean, and then I'm outta here.

The dean?

[lion growling]

She's scary, no? I once met the dean,

and I shook her hand at convocation, and it was cold.

Like her whole hand was made of ice or something.

But, dude, it was 80 degrees outside!

Spooky stuff.

Why you meeting with the dean anyway?

I don't know exactly. Something about my transcripts.

Hopefully no big deal, and then I'll be off to shred it up in Aspen.

Oh, yeah, you gotta work the gallery, huh?

The parentals insist that I leave my dorm room

for at least two hours every single day.

That's good. The gallery's the only thing that's going on.

I suppose some kind of social interaction would be pleasurable.

Just as long as it doesn't take too much time out of my day.

I've got to finish this experiment.

[laughing] Al, you gotta take some time off.

You're gonna blow yourself up.

Did Zhores Alferov take time off

from inventing the diode laser? Hmm?

Or did Karl Ferdinand Braun

take time off from inventing the cathode-ray tube oscilloscope?

I'm guessing no?

No! They most certainly did not!

Okay, okay, calm down, man.

Every day! [jabbers in Hindi]

Oh, it's okay, Alfred. You do this, you do that.

[jabbers in Hindi] Okay, okay, calm down.

Just mess with your whatever and have a good Christmas.

[shouts in Hindi] I'm out!

Don't blow yourself up, all right?

And I'll see you in two weeks.

[singing in Hindi]

Uncle Harry! [laughs] Oh, there she is, huh?

What are you doing here? What do you mean, what am I doing here?

Who's that?

That's my girlfriend, Carrie.

My new girlfriend.

Your girlfriend? Yeah.

Harry? Yeah, honey?

Sweater face. Honey, I'll be right there, okay? Wow.

Have you carded her?

Okay, that's funny. Good stuff.

Um, we are late, all right? Traffic and all that stuff. So...

But I can't go anywhere.

What are you talking about? It's Christmas.

We're going to Palm Springs.

Remember? I got the whole time-share thing,

and the killer view of the desert.

I mean, it's gonna be great. It's gonna be amazing.

Sand... There's sand there, yeah.

I got a beautiful white artificial tree, and it's gonna be great.

It's gonna be beautiful. I mean, it's Palm Springs. Christmas.

So, come on. We gotta get going 'cause we're gonna be really late.

I already told you, I really can't go.

I have to work at the gallery, and I need the hours for my major.

All right, I gotta...

I think this is the one. All right? The one?

She's the one for me. She's the one.

Harry, you've been married three times.

Oh, God, that's not true.

It's four times.

Right. Four. Sorry.

You know what she did? She was listening to a song.

Beautiful song. Um...

Justin Beaver.

Bieber. Bieber.

Yeah, Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber.

And, uh-- Incredible musician.

And she said, "Every time I hear this song, I think of you."

I bet she did.

She's perfect.

Yeah. Oh... [sighs]

Oh...

She is perfection.

Wanna, like, pickle it and eat it.

Yeah, she's, she's great.

I might as well tell you. Um... [clears throat]

It's Christmas Eve, so, um...

I'm going to...

I was gonna propose to her.

Oh... She's gonna be your aunt.

My what? Your aunt, your "ant." Whatever.

[chuckling] Oh, Harry, are you--

Yeah. Are you really sure that you've thought this through?

What? I mean really thought this through?

I've been thinking about this for, like, four days.

Yes, I've been thinking about this.

Look how she does this.

No one else does that.

Harry! Yes, baby sauce.

Yeah, I'm coming, honey. I'm just--

She's so sweet. We gotta get going, all right?

We're really late. Let's get packing. Go to your dorm.

Let's get packing and get on the road.

I really can't, and I'm so sorry

'cause I would love nothing more than to watch you propose

to your sweater face.

Sweater face. But I have to work.

It'd be so great if you're there. It would mean everything to me.

I'm gonna have to, or I won't be able to graduate on time.

You know, you're just like your mother. Honestly. Always working.

I know. But, hey, listen, call me after the holidays,

Oh, I'll call you. and maybe we'll have dinner or something.

Are you really gonna-- Okay. All right. I'm so sorry.

Okay. All right.

Merry Christmas, Uncle Harry. Merry Christmas.

All right. Have fun. Yeah.

Harry.

The only person working on Christmas.

All right, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

No, it's okay.

Bye.

All right, let's go.

[sighs]

[knocking]

Come in.

There's a Duncan Douvet here for you.

Thank you, Greta. Mr. Douvet, you're late.

Oh, come on, Dean. I'm only like five minutes behind.

[speaks Japanese]

You see? He no respect authority.

Hi, Professor Nguyen.

Sit.

You know, Mr. Douvet,

when I was a student here at Denherst College,

I was so hopeful.

I remember being told

how successful I could be if I studied hard.

I always thought that success meant money, money meant happiness,

and happiness meant-- [Nadia] More money?

To be rich?

No.

My point is, is that hard work and dedication

are inevitably supposed to pay off.

You fail East Asian Art History.

Zip it. You flunk midterm.

What? Zip!

You don't take my class seriously.

Zip, zip, zip! Mr. Douvet,

your grade in the professor's class has put you on academic probation.

Hai. You're going to need to repeat her class.

Retake? My spring semester is already full.

That means summer school. I can't take summer school.

I'll be at my cottage all summer.

Mr. Douvet, you need to reassess your priorities.

Prioritize!

I'm only taking the time to speak with you

because your family has been very generous to Denherst over the years.

Moreover, the town's art gallery that bears your name

has also worked closely with the school.

So I understand the shame

and disappointment that this news might bring to your family.

Such disgrace.

Just because my family's full of artists

doesn't mean I have to be one, too.

True. But that also doesn't mean

that you can blow off your classes and get away with it.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, the professor has agreed

to raise your grade from an F to a C-minus,

only if you participate in the art exhibition at your gallery.

What? But that's over Christmas break!

I'm supposed to be snowboarding in Aspen tomorrow!

And?

I cannot be here for Christmas.

It's your choice, Mr. Douvet.

Extra credit or extra school.

Greta!

Yes, Dean McBride?

Show Mr. Douvet the way out, if you would.

He's so entitled.

Exactly. [knocking, door opening]

Ah, gentlemen.

I've been expecting you.

Nadia, if you'll excuse us, I have a meeting

with the security guards who work at the gallery.

Hello, Nadia. It's Nadia, right?

Hai.

[giggles] It's Harley.

I don't think we exchanged names the last time we met.

Oh, yes. I remember very good.

Hello, Harley-san.

Break it up!

Merry Christmas, Harley-san.

Uh, maybe I see you again sometime.

Okay. That would be good. [Nadia giggles]

I'll check my dance card, but I think it's full.

[giggles] No, it's not full.

[Nadia laughs]

It's empty.

[lion growls, whip cracks]

Harley! Damn! What?

Attention. Oh, God, pick up your tongue.

You're drooling everywhere. Hey, Erma.

You got any snacks? We're getting kinda hungry.

It's Dean McBride, Buzz.

Dean McBride. Sorry, Dean McBride. So that's

a no on the snacks, right?

I've had enough of you two dimwits.

Now listen up. I gave you this job because...

We've been friends since we was kids?

I said do it!

We ain't gonna do it, are we, Harley?

No way, Erma.

Do it now or else!

[laughing]

What fun we had as kids. [chuckles]

But no. That's not why I hired you.

I hired you because I couldn't find anyone else

that had your combination of stupid and strong.

Yes. Thank you, Erma. Pretty good.

Sit down. Oh.

Now, you two remember the plan, correct?

Oh, yeah. Rob the art gallery.

There's a lit bit more to it than that, Buzz.

Now I need you two idiots to write down these details. Write 'em down!

I want you two to wait

until the curator, Antoine, leaves.

The Douvets have hired a group of students to man the exhibits during the day,

but they leave in the evening.

So from 6 p.m. on, you two will be the only security guards there.

Write that down.

Now, the gallery

is broken up into two sections.

In the smaller room, we have the Diane Douvet collection,

and in the larger room, we have the Monta Bay exhibit.

There's exits on each side of the building.

Guys, be aware of your surroundings.

Sidewalk, parking lot, okay?

You will enter through here, take this route.

You will collect all of the artwork,

and then you will exit back out the way that you came.

Understand? Good.

This should be simple enough for the two of you.

Uh, so, basically, um,

what do we do again?

You collect the artwork, put it in the van,

drive away.

You got it, Harley? Got it, boss.

Come back to the gallery,

beat the crap out of each other,

call the police, and report the break-in.

Why we gotta beat each other up?

It has to look like the real robbers beat you up.

I thought we was the real robbers.

Buzz! Just do it.

Dean, I don't get it. You got plenty of money.

Good looks. Beautiful brown eyes that you could lose yourself in.

[clears throat] Why youse got to rob the local gallery?

Not that you two meatheads would understand,

but the gallery is practically part of the school.

So if suddenly, let's say a mass controversy

over a robbery was to happen.

As everyone is crying over the art that was stolen,

I'll manage to recover it and bring it back to the museum,

therefore turning me into the university's savior!

And they will have no choice but to renew my contract

and to give me a real pension.

Then, in a couple of years,

I'll retire, and I'll be comfortable,

and I will be rid of these idiotic students forever.

My head hurts. Harley,

you take care of this job and collect your $50,000.

Fifty grand. That's a lot of money!

And trust me,

your head will feel much better.

Now go.

Oh, uh, Erma?

Dean! DeanMcBride, Harley!

Dean McBride? Yes?

We was wonderin' if you wanted to come to our house for Christmas dinner.

Your place?

We was just thinking you wanna come over

for some rabbit stew.

For a meal?

[laughs]

No, thanks. I'll pass.

Besides,

I hate Christmas.

Wow, she's a mean lady.

I know, but it's not her fault.

She's just projecting. Projecting?

I've been listening to this book on tape

from this guy called Dalai Lama.

Who names a llama Dolly?

Only Dolly I ever heard of is that country-western singer

with the giant kadonkadonks.

No, the Dalai Lama. He's like a monk or something.

Oh, now I see. Dolly is a much better name for a monkey.

No, he's not a monkey. You're a monkey!

Anyway, he says you gotta have compassion.

So we just gotta "compassion" her.

Plus, we need the money, right? I do like money.

We all do, Buzz, and I got a plan

that's gonna make us even lots more money.

[wheezing laugh]

Bert, is that you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi. You're-- You're not Bert. I'm just

checking the dorm to see if anybody else is here.

Um, yeah. I mean, there's a few people around,

but not very many, and I'm just here because I'm working at the gallery.

Over the Christmas holiday?

Yeah, it looks that way.

Because you missed your flight home?

Uh, no, because I thought it would be a cool opportunity.

And I sound like a major dork.

[chuckles] I guess that makes two dorks, 'cause I'll be there, too.

Really? Huh. Well, what a coincidence.

Yeah.

You're Jennifer Hendry.

I recognize your work. It's beautiful.

You painted the mural that's in the library, right?

Yeah. I love your style.

It's very contemporary.

Thank you.

[chuckles] Thank you. I really appreciate that.

Yeah.

You seem to really know your art.

Yeah, runs in the family, I guess.

I'm sorry, I didn't-- What was your name again?

[Jennifer] Okay, I know it's bad to lie, especially at Christmas,

but I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.

Guess I'm going on Santa's naughty list.

Duncan. Duncan Douvet.

As in the Douvet Gallery?

You got it.

Wow. Wow.

Diane Douvet is-- God, she's one of my favorite painters. Yeah.

Gram, she's pretty popular.

So, are you also an artist, or-- Oh, no.

No, but when you grow up around it a lot, you pick up a thing or two.

So that explains why you're also going to be at the gallery.

'Cause-- Well, I guess that explains it. [laughs]

Yeah, that's exactly why.

[nervous chuckle]

At least we'll know one person at the gallery,

so, uh, I'll see you in the morning?

Yeah. I'll see you there.

Cool. Good night.

All right, take care.

[knocking]

You wouldn't actually have an extra blanket, would you?

Uh, um, yes.

Here.

Cats on it.

Thank you. Good night again.

'Night.

Again, ladies and gentlemen,

we have a lovely example of classic French artistry

and the bidding will begin at $600.

Do I have 600? 600 to the man in the white coat.

Thank you very much, sir. I have 600. Do I have seven?

Ah, 700 in the back!

To the very large monsieur.

Merci beaucoup.

I have 700. Do I hear eight? Eight, anyone?

Eight hundred. Mr. Cobblesworth. Merci.

I have 800. Do I hear nine?

Don't move, you moron! Ow!

Nine hundred in the back.

No! Buzzo, impressive.

$900. Do I have one thousand?

You're not gonna let that repulsive man win, are you?

One thousand? One thousand. Do I hear one thousand?

$1,000, Mr. Cobblesworth. Merci.

One thousand. Eleven hundred, anyone?

Anyone? One thousand going once.

Don't move!

Going twice. Hold your breath.

[inhales sharply] Anyone in the back?

Sold. One thousand dollars, Mr. Cobblesworth. Very good.

He was doing that on purpose.

Those French don't like us Americans.

[Buzz] They don't like us 'cause we're smarter than them.

Stupid French. [Harley] Stupid French.

Stupid French. Stupid.

We're smarter than them. Stupid French.

Stupid! [Antoine] Ahem!

Is there a problem, Buzzo?

You did that on purpose, Frenchy.

No hard feelings. It's Christmastime.

I'm trying to make some commission for the holiday to Barbados.

You know. I do my job. This is all. Ha!

[chuckles] But it was fun to make you squirm.

[laughing]

Boop! [laughing]

Don't poke the bear!

[cackles] What you going to do?

Boop, boop, boop! [laughing]

I hate that guy.

Well, we're getting ready to rob him blind,

He can put that in his French pipe and smoke it.

Exactly. Now, you got everything under control here?

I gotta go make some arrangements for the job.

I'm bringing in Jimmy to help us out.

Does Erma know? She didn't say nothin' about bringing in Jimmy.

What Erma don't know won't hurt her.

Man, Jimmy hates me.

Jimmy hates everybody, but the man's a pro,

and this plan is gonna make us millions.

Or thousands! Yeah.

All right, I'll be back at midnight. Keep a low profile.

Okay? Good.

Lots of people have nowhere to go and no money to go anywhere on Christmas.

It's pretty common. I'm not worried about them.

[cell phone ringing] You honestly think I care what they think about us?

Wait, it's Paige. One sec.

Hello. Hey.

So, you're already there working on your tan?

This trip sucks.

It just took the first train to Sucky Town USA.

It's been a complete bust.

Why? You're in Cabo.

Jen, this is serious. I'm at the pool now.

There aren't any hot guys anywhere.

[Jennifer] Isn't it 9:00 in the morning?

Whatever. So, is it really boring there? How is it with Bert?

No, it's actually good.

There's going to be six of us at the gallery,

including Duncan Douvet.

What? Duncan Douvet's there?

He's supposed to be in Aspen.

How is it possible you know his vacation plans?

Hello! It's Duncan Douvet. I actually ran into him at the dorms the other night.

I'm so jealous. He's so hot. Yeah, he's nice, but come on,

he's Duncan Douvet.

Have some confidence. I suggest...

you pull him under some mistletoe, stat.

Yeah. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks. Have fun. I'll talk to you later.

Okay, bye. Go get him.

Mom, I need to go home right now.

There aren't any hot guys anywhere, and can we please send the jet?

What? Hello.

I am Pablo, the pool bar boy.

Would like a carrot margarita?

If you're Pablo, then your apparel is completely throwing me off.

It looks like a Frenchman's clothes.

[panting]

Frank, you're gonna do this. You can do this.

Hey.

Oh. Guys, wait up!

Did you run all the way here?

Yeah. I'm just trying to get a little exercise in.

Oh. This your exercise hat? Yeah.

[laughing] You like it? Yeah, thanks.

What are you still doing here? I thought you were going home for the holidays.

I can't this year. It's too expensive.

What about you two? Well, Frank, I'm what they call Jewish.

I'm strictly forbidden from believing in Santa Claus.

Oh, yeah. I'd rather work at the gallery, anyway.

Make some money than eat bagels and lox with my insane sister-in-law.

Yeah, me, too. You do have an insane sister-in-law also?

No, I was talking about working at the gallery.

Me, too. We're all working at the gallery. That's where we were going.

Oh, sweet. Guys, come on. We're gonna be late.

I'm with you. I like the shades.

[Antoine] Attention.

Attention,everyone. Bonjour.

Bienvenu.Welcome to the Diane Douvet Gallery of Contemporary Art.

I am the curator here, Antoine Luc.

Merci beaucoup. Thank you so much

for volunteering your time and service--

Volunteer? We're getting paid, no?

Oui.Excuse my expression. Pardon. Um...

If I'm taking time out from my experiment, I might as well get paid.

Good point. ...spend time in the presence

of these masterpieces, oui?

The gallery will be open on Christmas Eve,

and you'll be providing courtesy services.

You will all be docents here to answer any questions

people have about the pieces in the gallery.

So, mademoiselle, there will be 24-hour security

provided by the two, uh, dumb, dumb, idiotic two guy.

One very large here, one very large here. You know the ones?

Normalement,I am here to overwatch this process.

Uh, but I am going to be busy looking for some beach attires.

You know, the small clothes for swim?

So I leave it to you to be my eyes and my ears. Yes?

Uh, Antoine, je m'excuse.

[speaks French]

You speak French? Where do I go?

I will be taking the rougeeye

to Barbados.

Barbados c'est bien ça?

They have the most beautiful water, topless beaches,

bottomless beaches.

C'est super.

Can I go with you?

Guess who?

Raphael? No.

Jean Paul? No.

Marcus? [laughs]

Here I am! [laughing]

Is that a dude?

When did Cindy Lauper make a comeback?

So, Cassie, you're gonna be working here for the break, too?

No, I'm here to go art shopping.

Oh, my lord, you are such a little sourpuss.

How'd you get that way?

Talk to them. I can't speak to them.

It's a lot of money. I speak to them on the phone.

Sorry I'm late, Antoine.

What's up, guys?

What'd I miss?

Not much. We were just going over the schedule.

Hey, everybody, this is Duncan.

I already know these guys. You're the only one I hadn't met.

She doesn't really get out very much.

[Antoine, Marcus argue]

[Antoine] They will feed it five times a day, not three.

Okay. Well, since tomorrow is Christmas Eve, I figured

it's super lame that we gotta be here without family,

so why don't we get together and make a dinner?

Yeah, that'd be fun. Yeah,

that would be nice. Sure.

I'm down, too.

I'm actually on a diet 'cause I'm fat.

Not interested.

Why is there no cell service here anywhere?

Why you so grouchy?

I need to get out of here. I need a vacation.

I want to meet everyone. If I'm gonna be your assistant,

then let me do my thing with them.

You can do the securities doc--

Can I tell them the security--

Attention, attention, everyone.

This is Marcus. He's my travel companion,

and he is also a fellow employee of the gallery here.

So, say hello. Hi, everyone. I'm Marcus.

But my friends call me Marcouscous because I'm vegan.

[laughing] Who calls you Marcouscous?

People do.

Really? Whatever.

Are you embarrassed or something? What's going on?

I work here on the weekends as well.

But not this weekend because me and this guy are gonna party.

* Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo *

[laughing] Enough.

Are you embarrassed of me or something? I am not embarrassed.

It's my place of work. I'm speaking to the children. Carry on.

Can I explain the security system like you said I could now?

Attention.Please pay close attention to him as he explains the security.

Thank you. [scoffs] If that's okay.

That's fine. [clears throat]

So, this gallery has a very, very high tech security.

When you come in, you enter your code in,

and that's in the pamphlet you have right there.

So you enter the code in, and when you leave, you enter that same code.

Now, if the alarm is tripped while I'm away,

I will get a text message on my phone immediately,

automatically from the system,

and I will notify the authorities.

How much are we getting paid?

Twenty dollars an hour.

And then double time on the 25th. Aha. [giggles]

Any more questions? So, au revoir.

Merci beaucoup. Bye!

[Marcus sings] Bonjour!

So whatever we get, we split three ways. Deal?

How we gonna split a painting three ways?

We sell it, Buzz, on the black market.

We're selling it to a fence.

A fence? Buzz, I hired Jimmy here

because he's a professional, and he knows things.

I mean, look at this man. Look at him.

The man wears suspenders.

He's gonna do the old switcheroo with the counterfeits

for Dean McBride.

Counterfeits? I thought we was taking the real paintings.

Buzz, we are, but instead of giving the dean the real ones,

we give her the fakes that Jimmy made,

take her money, then sell the real paintings, too.

That's a good idea. Yeah.

Buzz, you do know the code to the gallery, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I know the code.

You know, I heard Frenchy say that one of those drawings

is worth a billion million dollars.

We're gonna be rich!

Okay. Let's go over the plan. I put a lot of thought-- Buzz?

Huh? Stay focused.

Now, I drew up a map of the gallery

and I separated it into three sections.

Now we're each gonna take a section and do our own work.

But we're gonna have walkie-talkies so we can communicate.

Like in the movies?

Yeah, like in the movies. It's gonna be great.

Listen, get a good night's sleep because tomorrow is Christmas eve.

Buzz, you're sure the gallery is going to be empty, right?

I heard Frenchy talking. He's taking his boy toy to some island.

No one's going to be there. Just the alarm.

Sounds like we got ourselves a holiday heist, boys.

** [rock]

* I'm no angel *

* But I'll get you high *

* I'm no virgin Achin', restless *

* Right before your eyes *

* So scandalous *

* If you show me yours I'll show you *

* Mine, mine *

Dean McBride.

Mr. Heller.

Her work is stunning, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Dean, it's Christmas Eve. I'm surprised you're still in town.

Where else would I go, hmm?

Oh, I didn't mean anything by it.

I just meant that usually people flee Denherst over the holidays.

And I just thought you might have some--

No, I don't have any family here.

Right. I'm sorry.

Besides, I have business to take care of.

You know, Dean, you might suffer from seasonal mood disorder.

Zip it, Heller. I have a lamp.

Zip!

You just turn-- Zip!

Hey, Boss!

It's Dean McBride. Dean, Buzz.

So listen, everything is all good on our end.

Ow! Ah! D-- Oooh!

Buzz, why don't we go and discuss your janitorial duties?

These kids, they don't need to hear about that mess.

Oh, right.

Right.

So I'm not a security guard. I'm a janitor.

And we have to go discuss our garbage situation.

Right, Buzz.

Good day.

A good day to you. Bye. Happy Holidays.

Wow. She is just a ray of sunshine.

You don't think that, um...

What, like... hooking up?

Yeah. What?

I think so.

No. Yes. Think about it.

People could say the same thing about us.

What, that me and you are...

No.

hooking up? No.

That we're friends.

That's crazy. Actually no, I'm just saying.

We're friends. We're together. Right.

It's the holidays.

And we're here. We're together.

Oh, I see. So you wanna... Don't say it.

If you wanna be making out now, let's make out.

No. That's okay. I'm fine.

The painting won't mind if we make out.

Yeah. Happy holidays. Make out with the painting.

I'm going to make out with the painting. Good idea.

I should make out with...

Stupid.

* Santa Claus is on his way *

What's this? It's a Christmas gift, silly.

I don't like gifts.

I was just thinking about you all alone on Christmas

with no presents under your tree.

Thought you could use some cheering up.

It's nice, huh?

A water gun? What am I? Eleven?

It's a Tidal Wave 5000.

Thought you could use some fun in your life.

Fun is for kids, Buzz.

Now let's get down to business.

You two guys are set and ready to go, right?

Oh, yeah. Jimmy and Harley are getting the van right now.

Jimmy? Who's Jimmy?

D-- Did I say Jimmy? I meant Finny.

And Finny would be?

Uh, Finny's our dog, uh, a cute little white dog.

We never go anywhere without Finny.

You two better not screw this up for me.

Oh, no, no, no. We definitely won't screw everything up.

[sighs]

[Duncan] All right, guys. What do we got?

I have two containers of crackers.

Uh, American cheese and a box of cookies.

Mummy and Daddy sent me this homemade paneer tikka and choley bhature.

It's most delicious.

Okay, well, I have two fruit and nut granola bars

and, uh, ketchup.

Okay. How do you guys feel about Chinese food?

[All] Yes!

Good idea. All right. Al?

The closest Chinese establishment is 24.14 kilometers away.

Wh-- What--

Thirty minutes. Right, 30 minutes.

Okay, so here's the plan. You got a car, right? Mm-hmm.

You drive and get the food.

We'll gather plates and meet you at the gallery.

You got it, boss-man.

Wait, the gallery?

Yeah, why not? It's Christmas.

We don't want to eat in the dumpy dorms.

Okay, sure. Yeah.

Oh, and will you leave Cassie a note?

I know it's Christmas and maybe she won't show up,

but let her know where we're at.

Got it.

Toodles.

All right, let's do this.

Okay. Good.

All right, let's see if this code works.

It's a great idea to have dinner at the gallery. At least it's pretty.

Gotcha.

Whoa! No way.

Ah, Bert. Someone threw out a perfectly good Water Whizzer.

Did you really just stick your hand in the trash? That is so gross.

People pee in there. People don't pee in the trash.

Yes, they do. Put it back.

People don't pee in a trash can.

Put it back. Why?

Come on. Listen to her. Put it back. We'll get it later.

What are you, homeless?

You can have it later. [laughs]

What if I was homeless? Huh? Then you'd feel sorry.

[Jennifer] Mmm, why did we pick Alfred to get the food again?

Does anyone know if spoons go on the left side of the plate or the right side?

I think because the utensils are plastic, it doesn't really matter.

Cha-ching.

Shh! Guys, hold up. I think I hear somebody coming.

Bert-- Shh.

It's Cassie. Hey. Well, well, well.

What, did you think I was some art thief or something?

Oh, Cassie. I thought you were too cool for Christmas dinner.

I'm hungry and nothing's open.

Merry Christmas to you, too. Shut up, Frank.

Wow. It is Christmas.

Let's just have a nice Christmas dinner and have fun, okay?

I still don't understand these stupid outfits.

These are our disguises, Jimmy.

If anybody spots us, they'll just think we're Santa and his crew.

Good thinkin', Harley. Yeah.

It's Christmas Eve, Jimmy.

Santa's gonna be out and about tonight. Yeah.

Whatever! Let's just do this.

All right. You ready, Buzz?

For what?

For the robbery, little brother.

Right. I'm kind of hungry. When's dinner?

We will eat after we steal the millions of dollars of artwork, okay?

Okay. Sometimes I don't think so well on an empty stomach.

Yeah, well, you never think so well.

Enough already. Patience going.

This is a serious operation. Now listen up.

We get in. We steal the artwork. We get out.

Capisce? Wow, this is so exciting.

Then, I'm gonna leave the counterfeits in the van for the dean to find,

and I'm gonna hide the originals back at my place.

She'll never know the difference. Got it?

Got it.

One thing, though.

What, Santa?

Why are the lights on in the gallery?

[Jimmy] Uh-oh. Change of plans.

Harley, time for a little recon.

[loud rock music] Hey. That's a oldie- but-goodie right there.

Whatcha all know about this?

Huh?

Uhh! Hey. Hey. Jen.

Duncan. Bert, you have nothing to say about this.

I know you don't. Not at all.

Merry Christmas.

* Baby, it's all right *

* Baby, it's all right *

* Give me your sweet, sweet lovin' *

* Baby, it's all right Man, it's all right *

So listen, I had some questions about some paintings.

Do you mind helping me out?

Sure. I'll, uh-- yeah, no problem.

* You give me love and you let me know *

* Baby, it's all right *

* Baby, it's all right *

* You bring me sweet, sweet lovin' *

[beeping] Cha-ching.

After you, gents.

So what do you think about this one?

It's a great example of abstract expressionism.

It's very avant garde for its time.

Uh, vivid color fields.

Almost, uh...

Almost like Frank Stella meets Mark Rothko's stylistic roots.

Hmm. No?

Okay. So you don't think it's more of like a...

a lyrical abstraction piece?

Kind of like a rebuttal towards the American Cubist movement?

I... I mean I could see that. Yeah.

I mean, art really is what you see in it, right?

Remind me again why you're not an art major?

I just don't need that pressure from my family.

So I decided to take my own path.

Yeah, I can understand that.

It must be nice, though, to be part of such an interesting...

interesting legacy.

I guess.

So wait a second. If you don't need my help,

why are we looking at this painting?

Because it's the closest one to the mistletoe.

[laughs] That's smooth.

Thanks.

So we wouldn't want to defy the spirit of Christmas now, would we?

We should, um, we should probably get back.

Can't hate a guy for trying.

Oh, hey, Buzz.

[Jimmy] What the hell is this?

What do you mean?

There's students in the gallery

when it's supposed to be empty on Christmas Eve!

Oh, right. It's those kids, the ones who were working the exhibit.

[mocking] It's those kids. The ones who were working--

What are they doing here?

Uh, looks like a Christmas dinner.

Nice setup.

This is not good. This is not--

What are we gonna do?

We gotta do the job tonight.

The exhibit's shipped out on the 26th.

All right. I gotta think. I gotta think.

Okay. All right. Got it. I got it.

Nah, that's not it. That's not good. Okay.

I got it. Wait. Okay. Wait. All right.

They're inside there, right? But there's still plenty of nice stuff out here.

So all we got to do is figure out a way

to keep them preoccupied in there

while we clean house in here.

And then later we'll wipe out the main gallery.

Okay. How we gonna do that?

I-I-I don't know. I just thought it up.

I haven't figured that far ahead, okay? Let's go!

He's a smart guy, isn't he?

Elves are very smart people.

* Jingle bell, chutney smell *

* Make sure it's not too spicy *

* Don't put too much saffron in *

* Otherwise it will be too pricey *

Oh, golly gosh. It took me a lot longer than I thought it would.

But never mind. I'm here now.

Okay. All right. Thanks, Alfred.

Just get here when you can, okay?

And don't eat all the food before you get here.

No, I was joking. Obviously.

What you doin' in there, Jimmy?

I am hacking into the main security grid,

which will trigger a lockdown of the main gallery,

locking all those little mice inside.

See? And then we can unlock it

when we want to get in.

Wow, that sounds fancy.

How do we know they're not going to call the cops?

I knew you would say something stupid like that.

That's why I came prepared.

Uh, hello. All right. We'll see you in a bit.

He-- Hello.

Hello? Hello? Can anyone hear me?

Anyone hear me? No!

What is it?

Betsy, a state-of-the-art cell phone jammer.

Got it in Mexico on sale. Ching-ching.

Whoa, Jimmy. Good idea.

Now nobody will be able to get a cell phone call out within a quarter-mile radius.

You always haul this giant machine around? That seems kind of dumb.

Not as dumb as going to the slammer.

No cell service.

I'm starving.

I knew I shouldn't have came here and sat with you idiots.

I should have just stayed at the dorms.

Well, I'm starving, too.

There's so much negativity from you.

[beeping]

What was that?

There's no fire, so it must be trouble.

Duncan, what was that?

Santa Claus? I don't know.

Come on, Duncan, man. This isn't funny.

Relax, guys. I was just joking.

I don't know what it was, but obviously the power went out.

We're lucky that we have the emergency lights.

Just stay calm, and I'll be back.

[beeping]

[high-pitched squeaking]

That's no good.

[speaking Chinese]

Professor Nguyen?

Oh, hello. Alfred-san.

Is this your order?

Yes, but... do you work here?

Hai.You know, Christmas Eve very busy time for Chinese food.

Well, there's a few of us staying here, you know,

so we're all going to have Christmas Eve dinner together at the gallery.

Gallery?

Gallery.

Oh, gallery. Yeah, the gallery.

You know the one at school?

Yeah, I know gallery.

Why you have dinner at gallery?

A few of us are working there

and Duncan Douvet thought it would be a splendid idea

to which I agree that we all have dinner together

so no one is alone on Christmas Eve.

Oh, yes.

I fail Douvet.

Huh?

I fail him.

"Fair"?

"Fail."

"Fair"?

Yeah, you know. "Fail."

Fail Douvet.

Oh. Ah, ah.

[laughs]

Dean make him stay to do gallery.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Oh. Well, I must be off.

There's only a few of us staying at the gallery,

and some guards, you know, so I must go back and do my duty.

Did you say security guard?

Guard.

God?

Guard.

You mean god?

Not god. Security guard, you know.

Like come here, you naughty, naughty--

Which security?

The tall, dark and handsome sensual Italiano with the fat brother?

With the fat brother. You know them. The two that work at school.

Yeah, I know him. [laughs] He hot.

[laughs]

You tell him for me, "Merry Christmas."

Merry Christmas, Professor.

Arigato.

Tra-la-la-la-la.

The doors are locked.

Locked? How are we supposed to get out of here?

I don't know. Maybe some security glitch or something.

Let's try calling the cops.

Do you have service?

Nothing.

Nope. Great.

We'll go with plan B.

Hmm, what's plan B?

Wait for the security guards to find us.

Whoa!

Buzz, keep it together.

Look. She's scary.

At least she's not nude.

Hey, Jimmy.

What, Buzz?

What's the best toy you ever got as a kid for Christmas?

Black coal in my stocking, 'cause that's all I ever got.

I remember this one Christmas I got this little bunny.

It was so cute and white and soft.

This is the bestest bunny rabbit in the world.

Thank you, Santa.

Uh, Buzz, I don't think that's a bunny rabbit.

That was no bunny, Buzz. What do you mean?

It was a rat with big ears that made its way into your stocking to eat your chestnuts.

Ma just didn't have the heart to tell you.

You lie. I know the difference between a rat and a bunny.

Do you? Let's go!

It's no big deal, guys. Remember, Antoine said

that if the alarm goes off, he gets a text instantly.

* It's a party in the limo on the way to Barbados *

* Party in the limo on the way to Barbados *

I'm sure he's going to take care of everything.

In the meantime, we'll just sit back and enjoy Christmas.

Yeah.

We could play "spin the bottle."

I'd rather stick this fork in my eye.

We could do that, too.

What is that smell?

It's my pizza-scented candle.

I'm sorry. I use it for my cravings. I have a problem.

It's okay.

I get hung-- I'm gonna blow it out.

This is the worst Christmas ever.

All right. Buzz, go check the perimeter. Now--

What's a perimeter?

Go outside and walk around the building

and make sure nobody sees nothing.

Harley. Yeah.

I need you to go back to the van

and bring me that, uh, secret tool kit.

How will I know which ones they are?

It's the one that says "secret tool kit."

Oh, okay. Okay, okay.

What are you doing? Did you not see me?

Hello. I am the pedestrian. I get the right-of-way, right?

Dude, it's an empty parking lot.

Jesus Louise-us!

What are you doing here anyhow?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Uh, I think that a hottie-tottie like yourself on Christmas Eve

would be somewhere sunning yourself in some hotel or something.

Wait. What's a hottie-tottie?

I think my grandmother drinks those.

Actually, a hottie-tottie is an explanation--

a kind of expression-- Forget I asked.

Nothing but my boring parents in Cabo,

so I struck a plea bargain with the 'rents,

and I got the 11 a.m. flight out of there.

Well, I mean, you know we're having Christmas Eve dinner at the gallery,

and I'm sure there's enough lo mein for you to join us.

Yeah, I saw the letter that Jennifer left for Cassie that you guys are here.

Oh, okay.

That's odd. What?

The alarm seems to be switched off, no?

[knocks]

Hello!

Did you hear that? I think they're in there.

Let's go around the side and see if there's a window or something.

[snaps fingers] Well, the door's still locked.

And I've gotta take a piss.

Duncan, can you please help me to take a piss?

Where's the restrooms, man? This is your spot.

Frank, I can't do anything until the doors are unlocked.

So can we just talk about something else?

Let's tell a story. Maybe a good Christmas story.

Bert, you got a Christmas story?

Christmas stories? You guys really wanna tell Christmas stories?

You got a better idea?

Hey, Bert, what you got?

I'm down for a good Christmas story.

Oh, you want Christmas stories?

I don't have any Christmas stories. I never had Christmas.

I'm Christmas-challenged.

Oh, but I bet you have a good Hannukah story.

[Jewish accent] You vant a Hannukah story?

[laughs]

Okay, Hannukah story, yes.

I'm 12 years old, give or take.

And, uh... it's the last night of Hannukah.

We'd just lit the Menorah. All eight candles burning bright.

And my dad calls me in the office,

and he gives me his pocket watch.

And this was his father's pocket watch that he got in the war.

This was the only thing my father has ever given me.

It's probably the best present I've ever gotten.

A pocket watch was the best present you ever got?

So wait, what happened to it? Do you wear it?

No, I do not have it.

What do you mean you don't have it?

I, um... Honestly?

Yeah, of course, honestly.

I, um, I pawned it.

Your grandfather's watch?

I was in a fight with my parents.

They wouldn't let me go to this Sonic Youth show

so I went down, I pawned it, I got 170 bucks for it.

I hitchhiked to New York.

I bummed around for a couple weeks. I came back.

You had to have gotten it back.

I did go back. Of course I went back to get it.

I went back a month later when I had money, but it was gone.

Oh, just cheered me up, Bert.

How wonderful.

Come on, guys. This is so depressing. It's Christmastime.

Duncan, look, this is depressing.

I know this is your gallery, and I don't mean any kind of disrespect whatsoever,

but this is the last place I want to be.

Okay? I've got two little baby brothers and a mama who love me.

She works two day jobs and one night job just to put me through school.

But I can't be there 'cause I have to work here

if I want to try to get my college degree.

It sucks, you know.

And speaking of food, where is Alfred?

Okay, I'm starving. He should have been back a long time ago.

[Alfred] Hello?

What was that? Did you guys hear that?

Yeah, I don't know. That was weird.

[Alfred shouting]

Hello!

Hello? Alfred, is that you? Alfred, get us out of here!

Oh, my gosh. They're locked in there.

They must have tripped the system and locked themselves in.

Get us out of here!

Alfred, we're locked in. Can you hear me?

Hello?

Alfred?

[Alfred] Bloody idiot.

[Paige] Do you know how to unlock it?

This kind of programming on the electronics is like for fourth graders.

Alfred! Al!

[All] Alfred!

We're locked in here.

I can do it in my sleep, no?

Who's that coming? Quick!

Hey, Har.

Check out my new knife.

A knife? What do you need that for?

For stabbing people.

You ain't stabbing nobody. Put that away!

You never know. We're robbers now.

[whispers] What are they talking about?

What was that?

It was probably just a squirrel.

A squirrel? I like squirrels.

No, no, Buzz. We don't have time to capture squirrels.

We gotta get the art and get out.

Those kids are not going to be locked up for too much longer.

Sometimes you can be a real "buzz" kill. [snickers]

Get it? Buzz kill?

That's the funniest thing you ever said.

I gotta remember that one. It was good.

I gotta get those tools.

Alfred? Where did he go?

They're robbing the gallery? Quick, get your cell phone and call the cops.

We need to get the guys out of there pronto.

For reals? My cell phone doesn't work.

He couldn't just leave us here, right?

I'm sure he'll be back.

Guys, I hate to rain on our little parade here,

but I think something serious is going down.

I came from Cabo from a five-star hotel

doing Alfredo pasta.

"There's nothing we can do about that."

Will you just shut up for one second in your entire life, please?

I need to think.

The schiznit is definitely going down, and I can smell it.

I don't want to sound crazy

but are we in the middle of a robbery?

Look, guys, we don't know that for sure.

The only thing we know is Alfred's outside

and Buzz has been working on the lock.

Shut up, Duncan. This is all your fault.

How is this my fault?

Because this whole thing was your stupid idea.

Guys...

I think I got it. All I need to do

is go to my car and go into the trunk.

In the trunk is all the tools we need to hack into the alarm.

Then we can use that to contact the authorities.

You're in no danger, Paige.

Promise?

Pinky promise.

Guess what, Cassie? Life really isn't that hard.

Shut up, Frank. You don't know anything about me.

So keep your fat ass opinions to yourself. Nice.

Hey, Cassie, that's not fair. He's just trying to be friendly.

Does Little Miss Perfect have something to say now?

Cassie, shut it.

What? We all know it's true.

Lemme guess. Mommy and Daddy wanted you to come home for the holidays,

but you chose to stay here to study the exhibit

to be artsy and unique, right?

I bet they sent you a Christmas package full of easels and new paints.

Lemme guess. Plane ticket to go to Florence over spring break, too?

You're going to Florence over spring break? Me, too.

Ugh. I'm gonna puke.

Cassie, if you hate everyone so much,

what are you doing here over Christmas break?

Let me guess.

You had nowhere else to go.

Yeah, you're right. Does that make you feel better?

I'm here because my parents don't give a crap about me.

They have no sense of family, let alone the holidays.

So if I would have went home, I would've just been invisible.

That's why I'm here.

I have nowhere better to be on Christmas Eve

than at school with you losers.

Well, Cassie, if you see us as losers,

then you'll always be miserable.

You ready? Of course.

I'm a professional,

unlike some people whom I don't want to name.

You and that idiot brother of yours.

He is outside on the lookout?

Yep. He's on top of it. Good.

Okay, let's do some stealing.

Okay.

I'll bet you this one's worth a lot.

Yeah. Hey, don't touch it. Don't!

Oh, no, no, no. This is very bad, Paige.

What's bad? I left my keys in the car from our near collision.

What are we gonna do?

Don't worry. I can still hack the system

even without my tools.

Give me your cell phone.

I think not.

Do you trust me?

Texting sometimes works even when the phone doesn't.

All I need is a little bit of signal. It will send the text out instantly.

I've memorized Antoine Luc's number, so here goes.

* Party in the limo on the way to Barbados *

* There's a party in the limo on the way to Barbados *

Okay. That should be it.

Ohh! You're like an Indian MacGyver.

I get that a lot.

Come. It's time to go. No time to dilly-dally.

Ah.

What are we going to do?

Just follow my lead.

[urinating]

[sniffs] Lo mein.

[sniffing]

Hey. Harley must have gotten dinner. All right.

Yeah.

[laughs]

That's pee! Blecch! Blecch!

Ohh! Ohh!

Paige!

Go around the corner, quick.

Talk to the guys and tell them about the robbers, no?

[groaning]

Oh, shut it, you dimwit.

Jennifer! Duncan!

Wait. Paige, is that you? Jennifer?

Duncan? Can anyone hear me?

Hello? You guys be quiet. I can't hear.

I came back from Cabo to save you. Thank God you're here.

We've got to get you guys out of here before the robbers come back.

I told you guys this was a robbery. I knew it.

Yeah. These idiots in Santa costumes are trying to rob the gallery.

They have knives.

Did you call the police? We can't.

The cell phones won't work.

But Alfred sent a text to Antoine.

You know, he's really handy. He's kinda cute.

I'm gonna go check on him.

Okay.

I got it, Paige! I got it!

** [singing gibberish]

Jennifer, I'll be right there.

I think he just hacked the alarm.

** [gibberish]

Just please hurry.

He got it. Guys, he got it! Let's get out of here!

Let's eat! He got the door open!

Need a way to get out of here.

Alfred Chandavarkar, at your service.

[laughs]

Thanks. I'm so hungry.

Guys, Alfred...

Are they coming? Where's the Chinese food?

Here's your stinkin' Chinese food.

I smell pee.

It's my peepee they smell of.

Buzz, what are you guys doing? What are you guys wearing?

The gun!

Oh, no, we don't have no gun.

But I got a knife! And I got these!

All right, everybody just calm down.

Put your hands on your head, and nobody's gonna--

Not you!

See? It's a good thing I brought the knife.

It was a pretty good thing that you brought that knife.

Bring 'em over to those chairs and cinch them up good.

Let's go!

Let's go! Over here! Line up!

Okay. Hey, Buzz, Buzz. Shh!

All right, okay. All right, yeah.

Oh, my God. This text says the gallery's in trouble and no one's answering.

We have to get back there as soon as possible.

[speaking French]

[zip]

Gettin' a little rough, ain't ya? [zip]

[zip]

[zip]

I had to use two zip-ties on the big guy.

Yeah, well, maybe now they'll learn to keep their noses

out of other people's business.

Buzz, Harley, why are you guys doing this?

You've worked for the gallery for years.

Duncan, it's just business, okay? Just business, Duncan.

Merry Christmas, Duncan. Yeah, Merry Christmas, though. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Ugh! Rip my face. I'm so freaking hungry!

That's not necessary. Gonna have to eat you first, Frank.

What? Eat me?

Got the most meat, man.

That's cold-blooded, skinny man.

Guys, chill out. Nobody's gonna eat anyone.

We just gotta put our heads together and figure a way out of this.

Chill out? Really?

I am done with staying calm, okay? This is serious.

I can't be calm anymore.

I'm sorry. I am fresh out of calm!

I'm sorry. I'm just--

Ugh! I'm so frustrated.

Listen, I wasn't even supposed to be here.

I just thought it would be fun to hang out with you.

What?

I should've went snowboarding instead.

You are so... You are so egotistical.

Excuse me?

When I saw you that night at the dorm,

I pretended like I didn't know you.

But of course I know who you are, Duncan.

Everyone knows who you are.

Just because you're the most popular guy in school,

and you come from this prestigious family,

it doesn't mean you can just have any girl you want.

That is so untrue. Where is this coming from?

If you wanted to just hang out with me,

why didn't you just say something,

and we could've avoided this whole situation?

So, yeah, maybe you should've gone snowboarding.

Duncan?

What?

I'm not judging your moral character or anything.

I'm just asking out of curiosity, you know.

Man, why are you lying?

What am I lying about?

About why you're here.

I spoke to Nguyen today.

She told me that she flunked you out of the class,

and that's why you have to work at the exhibit.

[Bert scoffs] You flunked art history?

That's hilarious, man. That's a bird course.

No one flunks art.

You flunked art. Bert, shut up, man. You wouldn't understand.

None of you would understand.

[coughs] Sorry.

I mean, you could at least try us.

[Frank] Yeah, come on, man.

Just try to open up. It might make you feel better.

Look, I come from a family that built itself from nothing.

My grandfather and grandmother, they had nothing.

Everyone told them that being a hopeless artist

was impractical and misguided.

But they proved everyone wrong

and built an empire worth millions.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

I have no drive, I have no passion,

minimal talent.

I suck at school.

I'm an average athlete,

and I failed Professor Nguyen's art history class.

How embarrassing is that?

It's okay, Duncan. I failed that class, too.

I am not the guy that everyone thinks I should be, okay?

I struggle with life just like you guys.

I have a mom and dad who are 60-year-old trust fund adults.

that also wouldn't realize if I was with them or not right now.

And to be honest,

I hate Christmas, too, Cassie.

[Cassie] Well, look at that.

The little rich boy does have a soul.

I'm sorry, Duncan. I...

I shouldn't have said that.

This is all really deep, guys.

I mean, it reminds me of when my dog Misty died.

It was a freak motorcycle accident in my driveway.

My ex-boyfriend ran over him.

[laughs]

This is not funny.

I'm serious!

Okay, gents, it's time to make a clean swipe-a-rino

and collect...

oh, and collect them balls.

Schwing, schwing. You got it.

Meow.

Careful, Harley!

These aren't the counterfeits.

Mess 'em up, and they're worthless.

Okay!

Counterfeits?

[snaps fingers]

[Bert] What are these guys up to?

They're like stealing the whole exhibit

and replacing them with counterfeits.

There's like seven of us. Let's do something about it.

I think I have a plan.

Painting suits you, dude.

Oh, thanks. It's very expensive.

Don't get too close, you hear?

Dude, I'm not going anywhere. Look.

I was just coming over to ask you a question.

I was wondering if you knew a professor called Nadia Nguyen.

What about her?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, wait.

Just that I was speaking to her tonight,

and I think she was asking about you.

Really? What did she say?

She was asking me if that cutie-cutie pie security guard

still worked here.

What cutie-cutie security guard?

You, Dumbo! Ohh!

Really? Mm!

We were talking,

and she was asking me questions,

and then she said that she's going to come down tonight,

and she was hoping to find somebody under the mistletoe.

That could be me!

That could be you under the mistletoe.

[Jimmy] Harley!

Quit talkin' to the brats

and get back to work!

Thanks. Just helping a brother out.

Gotta go!

[Buzz] Where you going, Harley?

I gotta load this painting,

and then I gotta go call Erma

and tell her we're right on track.

Did he just say Erma?

We gotta do something. This is crazy.

Holy crap. He's talking about the dean.

Uh, hello?

Where are you?

I'm at the gallery. Is this Erma?

Yes, it is, you idiot. What's going on over there?

Um, nothin'.

What do you mean, nothing?

We're just stealing the art.

Have there been any screw-ups?

Define "screw-up."

Don't play stupid with me, Harley.

No, nothing's wrong.

All on schedule.

Don't you screw this up for me.

Do I need to come over there? [static]

Hey, Harley-- Harley! [imitating static] You're break--

You're breaking-- I'll call you--

[imitating static]

Damn it!

[sighs] What about you, Jen?

What about me? Yeah.

I have a feeling that you're not exactly who we summed you up to be, either.

Not exactly.

So...

what is your story?

It's nothing. I don't know.

Come on, Jen. We're all friends here.

Guys, if she doesn't want to talk about it,

don't make her talk about it. What's the big deal?

Well, I guess my favorite Christmas story

would have to be...

every Christmas before I was 12.

Every year, my parents would put me to bed early,

and I would lay by the door and just listen to them going back and forth

and back and forth and back and forth

toting presents to the tree.

I guess that's when I realized there was no Santa Claus.

There's no Santa Claus?

After they had gone to sleep, I would sneak out into the living room

and look at that beautiful tree and the stockings and...

just the silence...

and that feeling of...

family and warmth.

I love that feeling.

So, yeah, I guess that's my-- that's my favorite Christmas.

We all gotta grow up at some point, I guess.

What's wrong?

My parents were killed in a car accident shortly after that.

I'm so sorry, Jennifer. I... can't imagine how it must feel.

It was a hit and run. They never found the guy, so--

Jen, I am so sorry.

[inhales]

Christmas isn't exactly the same anymore.

You have us.

She has us.

I... definitely have you guys.

I'd rather not have you in this situation, but...

[laughs]

[humming]

Uh, Jimmy, we got trouble.

What trouble? The dean.

I think she may be on to us.

What? What the hell did you say to her?

Nothing, but she sounded mad,

and I think she's on her way here.

Huh?

All right, all right. Take these paintings out to the van right away.

You got it, Boss. Go.

And, uh, Buzz!

Uh, gag those kids.

And put duct tape around their mouth!

What? I can't do that.

I duct taped my mouth shut one time, and it really hurt.

And I got thirsty.

Just do it!

And flip 'em on their backs,

so... make sure they can't move.

Oh, Harley, one other thing!

Buzz, Buzz, come here, come here.

You are in a lot of trouble, my friend.

I'm not gonna hurt you, Duncan

You're never gonna get away with this.

[Bert] Hey, Buzz.

You know I always liked you.

It's a shame, really, because what Jennifer said earlier

about Santa Claus not being real,

it's not true, man.

Yeah. Santa Claus...

is totally real, man.

But since you've been so naughty this year,

you ain't gonna get nothing.

That's not true. Harley said I was.

Harley is a liar.

Buzz, I think I hear Jimmy. Jimmy?

If he sees you talking to us, he's gonna be pissed.

You better go. Thanks!

I got a gun in the van. When you're done...

Pretty scary stuff, Jimmy.

Just do it!

Or I'll be done with you, too.

Hey, hurry up. Come on.

Hey, do you think we're scared of you?

Cassie, don't tempt the man.

What did you just say? [Cassie] You heard me.

If I were you, missy, I'd shut your little trap or else.

Or else what?

Or else I can get very ugly.

Ready? No.

One... What am I doing?

You're jumping on his back. Shut up.

Two... Shut up.

I bet you wanna go back to jail.

Three! Go, go, go!

[shouting]

[yells]

Buzz!

Aaahhh!

Help, please! Help over here!

I can't breathe! Where's the art, Buzz?

Don't tell him, Buzz! You better, or this is gonna hurt.

Don't tell him, Buzz!

You wouldn't! Oww!

See? I told you. It's gonna be slow torture.

Now, where's the art? Buzz, don't tell him. Don't tell him, Buzz.

It's in the van outside right around the corner. Door's unlocked.

You can go get it. [Jimmy] You idiot!

Tie 'em up. Let's tie 'em.

Oh, you idiot!

Shut up.

Oh, Buzz.

* It's Christmastime again *

* Let all your good cheer in *

* It's Christmastime It's Christmastime again *

So, I guess this is it.

Yeah. Hey, hey!

That must be the dean.

Harley? Harley! Pretend to be the guy.

Uh, hello?

Is it done? Yeah, Boss.

Did you guys drop off the art at the designated location

and beat each other up?

Yeah, Boss. All right. Now make sure that

you guys tie each other up real good

so that it looks like a big break-in.

Sure thing, Boss.

Good. Now...

I'm gonna give you guys an hour,

then I'm gonna call the cops,

so you'll have plenty of time.

And then I'm gonna call the Douvets.

Think of it.

Their son is home during the holidays,

and his own gallery gets robbed?

[laughs] What a spectacle.

And I'll be the one to save the day.

I'll be a hero.

You got it, Dean McBride.

Great work, idiots.

Looks like these guys had a plan of their own.

Yeah, and not very subtle.

Hey, so let's get the originals back in the gallery,

and then we'll move the goons in here,

make the dean think that she saved the day.

Sounds good to me.

Duncan, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I don't see you that way, and I...

I didn't mean that.

It's okay. We were all a little stressed in there.

Yeah, but I'm sure your parents are really proud of you.

Thank you.

Hopefully they'll let me put my painting in a better spot.

Your painting? You paint?

What are you talking about, your painting?

The one I showed you.

What?

The one by the mistletoe.

Duncan, that's... that's amazing.

You're-- You're really talented.

I can't believe you didn't say something.

That painting's amazing.

You know, your parents would be proud of you, too.

You were really brave in there.

And I want to apologize for lying to you.

I was a little embarrassed.

And for being an idiot for trying to make a move on you

under the mistletoe. I, uh--

Sometimes I think I'm more suave than I really am.

I just really like you.

You like me?

Yeah.

* Joy to the world *

* Lord is come *

* Let Earth receive her king *

* Let every heart * Merry Christmas, Duncan.

* Prepare him room * Merry Christmas.

* And heaven and nature sing *

We better get back inside.

Okay. Why don't we move the originals back to the gallery

Okay.

* Joy to the world *

* The Savior reigns *

* Let men their songs employ *

* While fields and floods *

* Rock, hills and plains *

* Repeat the sounding joy *

* Repeat the sounding joy *

* Repeat, repeat the sounding joy *

That is so good.

Tell me about it.

You know, I'm so glad I got a chance to get to know all of you.

I mean, I never would've thought I'd be friends with any of you.

Me, too. You?

You know, Frank, I'm really sorry I was so mean to you.

I mean, I don't really know why I can be such a shrew.

It just kinda comes naturally.

My God. I'm in the Twilight Zone.

Am I hearing you right? Are you okay? You feel all right?

A smile looks really good on you.

You really should try it on... Thank you.

a little more.

You know, maybe we should, you know,

in a non-hostage-type--

Maybe we should-- What?

I was, um... Are you hitting on Cassie?

No. No. [laughs]

[sirens] I-- I'd love to, Bert.

[Dean] Here we go, Officers. Right this way.

Right this way. They're in the van.

I captured them myself. There is, um--

I thought you said there was just two of them.

I, uh-- Well, I meant there were three.

There's three of 'em.

Erma, what are you saying? Erma!

She's lying, coppers! Don't believe her!

All right, everyone, what the hell is going on here? Someone tell me right now.

These idiots tried to rob the gallery for Dean McBride,

while she's comes in and acts like she saves the day.

That is a bold-faced lie, Officers!

These kids, they're out to get me.

But these goons were gonna double-cross her.

What are you talking about, little missy?

[gasps]

Counterfeits? Counterfeit?

That's right, Erma! We was gonna scam you, too!

[Buzz] Yeah! Will you two idiots shut up

and wait for an attorney?

You're a disgrace to the criminal community.

You're gonna pay for this, Harley.

You had been nicer to us, we wouldn't have turned on you, Erma!

I got your nice...

Hey! Step back, step back.

Traitors. Traitors! Traitors! Traitors!

You! Both of you! Traitors!

Officer, I think you'll find that the van belongs to Mrs. Dean.

Huh?

Ma'am, you're under arrest for attempted grand theft.

You have the right to remain silent.

I hate college kids. I hate all of you!

I hate you!

Sing it, sister.

Au revoir, madam.

What is in that box?

Come on.

Should we open it?

The box?

You be nice to him. Be nice to my brother.

Open it, open it!

Ahem. "Dear tall, dark Italiano...

"named Harley.

Merry Christmas. Please open with care."

I ain't goin'.

It's a present for Harley?

I know he's a criminal, but it is Christmas.

Maybe we should give it to him.

I don't wanna go. You have to go. Come on.

Okay.

Move it. Okay.

Hey, Harley, you got a present here.

A present? From who?

We don't really know.

Could somebody help me unwrap the present?

Hi, gang! [laughs]

Merry Christmas!

Nadia!

I surprise you for Christmas.

You're the best Christmas gift ever.

Very sexy.

Hey, enough of that. Enough of that. Come on. Let's go.

Harley-san!

Harley-san!

Harley-san!

I think you'll find us both--

I wait for you, Harley-san. Okay.

My darling!

Jenny?

He spent a ton on you there.

Super.

Antoine! What is this? I came as soon as I got the text!

The dean tried to rob the gallery, but we stopped them.

No! Thank goodness you kids stopped that.

If they took the collection,

it would be devastating for this gallery.

We're gonna go back to the--

You guys can handle this situation. Frank?

I'll make Christmas pancakes for everybody.

How's that sound, huh? Yeah!

Alfred! Yes, Paige?

I was wondering what you're doing. What do you mean?

Well, I wanted to know, do you want to go on a Christmas walk with me.

I'd very much like that, Paige.

Yay!

[sobs]

Uncle Harry?

Oh, hey, Jen.

How long have you been sitting here?

Not long. Just...

like four hours.

What's going on? What happened?

Where's Hannah Montana?

She left me. [sobs]

She left me.

She did?

Come here.

I'm sorry.

Do you wanna talk about it?

I put on my favorite cardigan,

and I put on my favorite Chicago album.

That's sweet. Yeah, I think so.

And then I got down one one knee,

and I, uh, pulled out the ring,

and I asked her to join me in holy matrimony.

And what did she say?

You know, "You're fun, and you're old.

You're an old man."

I'm sorry, Harry.

Even if that was kind of predictable.

Look at me. I'm not getting any younger.

I don't wanna be alone.

Harry, you're not alone.

You know, if I learned something this Christmas,

it's that being family isn't about being related to someone.

It's about being there for each other

and having people in your life who you know will do anything for you.

And I'm sure another woman's gonna come along

who's gonna be better suited for you than Carrie.

Hah!

Did you see the legs on her?

Ohh... Yes.

my God!

You wanna have dinner at my place tonight?

Absolutely. Okay.

You know, can I bring some friends?

Are they single?

Harry! What? Ouch.

[chuckles]

Can I wear my Santa outfit?

No. No. I think we've had enough Santa outfits for a year.

I don't think so.

[Alfred] Pig!

[laughter]

[chatter]

So...

[Jennifer] Bert and Cassie eloped in Vegas.

He's currently making a documentary about her professional tennis career.

Albert and Paige got married.

After honeymooning at her family's Caribbean vacation home,

they moved to Palo Alto, where he founded a software company.

He became a billionaire by 23

and has since lost his virginity.

Frank, I know you're lonely this year,

and since you can't see your family on Christmas,

I made you these cookies.

Paige!

Frank finally lost the weight he wanted.

He recently ran the Los Angeles Marathon

and launched a line of diet-friendly gourmet pizza candles.

Antoine and his husband Marcus

never did get to take their trip to Barbados.

He still works at the Douvet Gallery,

and Marcus is currently a judge on a popular fashion reality series.

Professor Nadia Nguyen waited 12 months for Harley to come home

from his vacation at the local minimum security correction facility.

She took a sabbatical from the college

and is currently touring with him in a used Winnebago.

Dean McBride was sentenced to 10 years at the Ferrero State Women's Prison,

where she is currently the dean of their vocational art program.

As for Duncan and I, we just got engaged.

I've opened my own little art gallery in Silverlake,

and we're showing an exhibition

of Duncan Douvet's greatest works.

[Duncan] Merry Christmas, everyone.

Happy holidays, my sweet, sweet friends.

To a holiday heist.

To a holiday heist.

[glasses clinking]

No one clinked my glass.

I didn't get clinked by anybody.

* You bet I'll get you high *

* I'm no virgin Achin', restless *

* Right before your eyes *

* So scandalous *

* If you show me yours I'll show you *

* Mine, mine *

* Don't usually know this quickly *

* But you feel so good on me *

* Your kisses feel like Christmas *

* Unwrap my inhibitions *