Original subtitles

Only a few hours ago I did not know you existed.

And now you are the sculptor and I am but a piece of clay.

I've always liked working with clay.

I've worked on fruit bowls, vases, ashtrays,

but never anything like you.

You must come over tonight and try.

All depends on what happens in court.

If my company wins the case,

I'll be in the mood for molding.

But if we lose...

Oh, you will not lose. Trust a woman's instincts.

JACQUELINE: Darling?

Just in case you get to my apartment before I do.

Did you see that, Calvin?

Kissing at 9:00 in the morning, and practically inviting him to her bedroom.

You won't find women like that in Cedar Rapids.

No matter how hard you try.

Morning, Claude. Monsieur Chadwick, where have you been?

I tried calling you at your hotel all night.

Claude, what kind of a man would spend his first night in Paris

alone in his hotel room?

I tell you what kind of man.

A very sick, crippled, old man, whose wife is blocking the doorway.

(CHUCKLING)

Who is that man with Monsieur Daudet?

Paul, Paul Chadwick.

He arrived last night. He works for the Northern Oil Company.

An attorney? No.

What the Americans call a troubleshooter.

What?

A specialist sent in to salvage critical situations.

The situation for the Northern Oil Company is past salvaging. It's dead.

All that remains is for the judge to administer the last rites.

The evidence is all in their favor.

On top of which, you are suing a French company in France,

in front of a French judge.

Mesdames, messieurs. La cour.

We made a mistake.

This case should have been settled out of court.

It was.

Poor man. You should have those fingers x-rayed.

I've been verbally criticized by a judge, but never physically attacked.

I simply put my hand on her desk, and she smashed it with the gavel.

It's amazing. I will never understand how we won.

In this case, the goddess of justice was indeed blind.

What mysterious force is it that ultimately tips this delicate scale?

Mr. Chadwick, what a pleasant surprise. Michel Boullard.

The opposing lawyer in court this morning.

Of course. Sorry you lost the case.

Oh, it was an experience.

You know, until today, I've never tried a case before a woman judge.

Come to think of it, the judge was a woman, wasn't she?

Attractive, too. Yes.

And, I suspect, quite shapely. Possibly.

Who knows what goes on under those judicial robes?

Oh, I will never know.

And you, being a gentleman, obviously will never tell.

My case was well-prepared. The evidence properly presented.

The legal amenities scrupulously observed.

As a lawyer I overlooked nothing.

As a Frenchman I am a national disgrace.

To have an American defeat you at this game.

That game's become quite popular in the States.

Oh, amateurs.

How would you feel if we beat you in baseball?

Now, please, ease the humiliation for me.

Tell me you are at least part-French.

My father is English, my mother's Danish.

It's close enough.

(CHUCKLING)

The situation was critical. Time was of the essence, I...

Apologizing for a virtuoso performance?

(LAUGHING)

Believe me, Monsieur, I am filled with nothing but admiration.

Not many men would have taken this in such good spirit.

In a way, I feel I owe you a favor.

If there's anything I can do for you while you're in New York,

please don't hesitate to call on me.

Oh, thank you.

Is this your first trip to the States? Yes. I'm going to visit my daughter.

Excuse me. The stewardess is busy.

I thought you gentlemen might like some coffee.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

We live in hope, don't we? Ah, youth.

You get apartment keys and I get saccharin.

Hello? Hello?

PAUL: Darling, this is Paul.

Angel. Sweetheart.

Honey, don't say a word. My plane just landed.

Paris was hell without you.

All'l could think about was that unforgettable hour before I left.

Now I have to go to the office and file my report,

so slip into something comfortable and don't move.

I'll be over sometime tonight.

Two at one time.

Even Napoleon would not have attempted two invasions at once.

Oh, they live in the same building. Magnificent.

You must have some French blood in you. (LAUGHING) No, no.

Michel! Michel! Etienne!

Goodbye, Monsieur Chadwick. Goodbye. And don't forget,

if there's any favor I can do for you... Thank you, my friend.

Etienne! Ah, Michel!

I'm so glad to see you.

Let me look at you. Ah!

Why, you haven't changed in 25 years. That is what you tell a friend?

That I looked like this 25 years ago?

Maybe I should phone first.

How do you walk in and say hello to a daughter

you haven't seen in almost 25 years? I won't even know her.

How could I let all these years go by? Michel?

It was her mother who left you and took her to this country.

And there was the war, the years you spent in the Middle East.

In the beginning you write every day, then every week, then once a month.

Then it becomes just birthday presents and Christmas cards.

As far as she knows,

her father is someone you find in the mailbox twice a year.

It'll all work out.

And tonight you'll both come to my restaurant and we'll celebrate.

I'm so nervous.

It's like the night Lauren was born.

You will be proud of her.

At her age, a prominent psychologist.

You say she's not married?

An education, building a practice. That takes time.

She's almost 30. She's looking around.

At 18, when a girl looks around, there is usually a man following her.

At 30, when you look around, the only thing coming is 40.

The Doctor is in her office.

You're next.

I'm not a patient. I'm her fiancé.

Oh!

You and the Doctor are to be married? When?

As soon as she can fit our wedding into her schedule.

She's a very busy woman.

She's in there working on some notes for a lecture.

I can't tell you how long she'll be. I've been waiting almost,

almost an hour.

We'll wait 10 more minutes, then we'll cough.

We'll cough? To let her know we're here.

If she comes out angry, we won't tell her which one of us coughed.

Why should she be angry? She's not to be disturbed when she works.

That's one of the most important things we agreed on when we got engaged.

That and no children, of course.

No children? She has her career to think of.

There's time for just so many things in a woman's life.

Somebody has to have the babies.

Unfortunately, you can't. Yes.

It would solve so many problems.

(DOOR OPENING)

I thought I heard someone out here. It was him. He coughed.

If it's about an appointment, my receptionist will be back shortly.

I'll be finished in 10 or 15 minutes, Arnold.

I got tickets to the theater tonight. It got very good reviews.

I sometimes wonder about those critics. They make one mistake after another.

I'll turn these in, and get tickets to a show I know is good. Like...

The Taming of the Shrew? Taming of the Shrew.

And it's close to the restaurant. I made reservations at the Trianon.

They have magnificent steaks.

The chef always overcooks them. He'll do it every time.

There're plenty of other places we can go to like...

The Troubadour? The Troubadour. Of course.

I'll call them. Good.

Oh, you got your hair cut.

Why did you let them do that to you?

You know when you take too much off the top your head looks flat.

I told them how you like it. He's supposed to be a good barber.

Oh, well, I suppose there isn't much he can do with it.

You're not using that dandruff brush I bought you.

I forgot. Oh, darling,

don't wear that blue suit tonight. Yes, dear.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Isn't she something? I'll bet you never expected to see someone like that.

No, I didn't.

Tell me, why can't you wear your blue suit tonight?

It accentuates my bad posture. I have very round shoulders.

She noticed that on our first date.

You're lucky.

You might have gone all through life without ever knowing it.

That's true. And if it weren't for her,

I wouldn't be wearing these corrective shoes.

She had the outside of all my shoes lined with lead

to give me balance.

She's done a lot for you.

I was a mess.

And the sad thing is, I never knew it. She had to point it out to me.

Hello? I'd like a table for two tonight. 7:00.

In the corner by the fireplace. Name?

Dr. Lauren Boullard.

Got to be firm with those head waiters.

Very nice to have met you, sir.

I've got to go home and change.

I never knocked. I was afraid. I couldn't tell her I was her father.

She would have said, "Fine. Leave your name.

"If ever I need one I'll call you."

Who knows? She might have broke into tears,

thrown her arms around you, kissed you.

And told me I needed a shave.

I saw what she did to her fiance.

In her office I witnessed a public execution.

From the top of his flat head to the tips of his lead-lined feet

she took him apart.

And when she puts him together again, what will he be?

The ideal American husband.

But why don't the men protest? Why don't they leave such wives?

Where will they go? To other wives?

Does it help the prisoner to change wardens?

I should never have let her mother bring her here.

And if you could see what she picked out for a husband.

A man who will request an audience in bed with her.

So tragic.

You know, in America they don't have sex, they commit it.

His only regret is that he can't have the babies.

It would be most difficult.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, when you meet him,

you will not rule out the possibility.

ETIENNE: This man seems to have a problem.

No. My daughter has the problem.

And she's found the safest hiding place, a psychologist's office.

And not as a patient but as the doctor.

This I don't understand.

Well, if you're an embezzler, you don't open up an embezzler's office,

you go to work in a bank. True.

In her office she can peek out from behind the books of Freud,

give a little sermon on life and love,

and then run back and hide in the pages.

Oh, surely it isn't as bad as that.

I looked into her eyes, Etienne,

and I saw a 30-year-old spinster.

A girl with the spirit of an old maid.

This is a woman who has never tasted life.

What a tragedy for a French father. And I am to blame.

No. Oh, yes, my friend.

There's only one way I can make up for all those years.

I can no longer buy her toy pandas.

There is only one gift I can give her. Her fulfillment as a woman.

I feel I owe her that as her father.

I cannot allow a rose to wither

without ever having felt the warmth of the sun.

But a 30-year-old rose is not easy to pick.

It has grown many thorns.

You will need a master gardener.

Yes, it will require an extraordinary man.

One of infinite finesse.

My friend, there is such a man available.

Good. We'll fly him in from France immediately.

He's an American.

Michel, to reach the moon trust an American.

To reach a woman let us put our faith in a Frenchman.

Genius has no nationality.

When your child is ill, you send for the best doctor.

But an American for so delicate an operation?

Oh, I assure you, he is not an intern.

Oh, this is a man with an established practice.

(CHUCKLING)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Mr. Boullard. Come in.

That woman. Oh, Elizabeth.

She comes over every morning and makes my breakfast.

She brings her own cooking utensils?

She says my eggs will touch no pan but hers.

Strange devotion. Who is she?

All I know is her first name.

She showed up at the door two years ago and hasn't missed a day since.

Like a pilgrim paying homage.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Excuse me.

Good morning.

I'll have it back on Thursday. Thank you, Sandra.

She does my laundry.

She insists.

(CHUCKLING)

I feel as though I've entered a shrine.

I'm like a wanderer who, after a long journey,

has reached Mecca.

On the way out leave your offerings in that ashtray.

Would you like some coffee? Thank you.

Good.

How's your daughter?

Mr. Chadwick, many years ago, in my youth,

wanting to taste all of life's pleasures,

I did a very foolhardy thing.

I bit into a marriage license.

A lot of good men have choked on that. Thank you.

She was an American.

Oh, it was an ideal marriage, until we left the wedding chapel.

That's as much happiness as any man has the right to expect.

It was raining. Her gown got wet.

And somehow she made me feel that I had failed in my first act as a husband.

I had permitted the rain to fall. Well, she lost confidence.

If you couldn't stop the rain, what would you do if an earthquake came?

I continued to fail her when she needed me most.

Where was I when the pilot light went out on the stove?

When her car ran out of gas?

And what was I doing at the office

the day the plumbing got clogged?

An American husband would never be at the office

when the plumbing got clogged.

He'd rush home to share it with his wife.

Then one evening we were sitting there, enjoying a delightful dinner,

when suddenly my wife spoiled everything.

She showed up.

(CHUCKLING)

How did you know I was with another woman?

(CHUCKLING)

You said you were enjoying dinner, didn't you?

Oh, it was a harmless flirtation.

I tried to explain to my wife,

but all she could do was stand there and say, "Well."

It would not have helped to drop a thousand apologies into that well.

A wife's well is bottomless.

Now, with a French wife, when I got home,

I would have found her in tears and a new negligée.

But with my wife, when I knocked on the bedroom door...

You found her with her lawyer. And a travel agent.

The next morning she and the child were on a plane back to America.

Fini.

1 did not see my daughter again until yesterday.

Mr. Chadwick, she is exactly like her mother.

Meaning you got a warmer welcome from the Statue of Liberty?

How did the American woman get this way? Where did it start?

With the pilgrims, when the Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock.

The first American husband

was helping the first American wife off the boat,

and she said, "We could have gone anywhere in the world,

"and you had to bring me here."

The first complaint on American soil,

and he made the first mistake. He apologized.

What should he have done?

Knocked her off the rock.

If he had taken a stand on that wet rock,

he wouldn't be fighting for his life here every night.

The bedroom. The perfumed battlefield.

Out of this arena every morning come the victor and the vanquished.

There are more victims here in one night

than there are traffic casualties in the entire year.

World disarmament ought to start in the bedroom.

You have great understanding.

That's why I've come to talk to you.

Monsieur, a father with a daughter who is a 30-year-old spinster.

Do you know what it means? (CHUCKLING) Yeah.

It means that any able-bodied man who can run, walk, or crawl

should avoid you.

Of course, when a daughter possesses a certain innocence at 18,

for a father it's a joy to behold.

When she's 21, you're still happy but thoughtful.

When she's 25, you are no longer smiling.

It's getting grim.

When she's 29 going on 30, what does her father do?

Turns to prayer. There's nothing left.

There is one hope.

A man. A very special man. A worldly sophisticate.

One who will gently lead her into a romantic adventure.

An emotional interlude from whose fires a woman shall be born.

Such a man is hard to find.

I will be, if you give me a 10-minute head start.

Please, Monsieur, I'm desperate.

Can a man abandon his only child?

I think, in this case, society would forgive you.

You once said, if I ever needed a favor...

Mr. Chadwick, I am asking for that favor.

When I said a favor I meant a favor.

To have theater tickets, hotel reservations, a bank loan,

getting you out of jail.

favor. Find somebody else. Where?

Try the Red Cross. She sounds like a disaster area.

Mr. Chadwick, in the sunset of my life,

don't deny the last request of a brokenhearted old father.

What does she look like? I have a picture.

Monsieur, my daughter. Isn't she adorable?

Darling.

Do you have anything more recent?

How much could she have changed?

What does she look like now? Today. This minute.

How does one describe inner beauty?

Forget the inside. Let's stay on the outside for a while.

I feel safe in saying she's attractive.

You feel safe?

Would it be risky for anyone else to say it?

I'm trying to be objective.

You don't like heavy women? No.

You like them slim. How slim?

She's not the type of woman with the large hips and the overdeveloped bosoms

that is so distasteful to men.

What men?

An animated face, expressive eyes,

a dazzling smile, exceptional teeth.

Outstanding. Big.

A matter of semantics.

She's a skinny, flat-chested girl with buck teeth.

And so far you've only been talking about her good points.

The favor. You will not go back on your word?

Please, Monsieur, save my daughter.

I'm a man who keeps his word.

I owe you a favor. I'll do it.

Mr. Chadwick, it was not easy to come to you with a request of this nature.

I know you will be gentle, considerate, and above all, discreet.

I wouldn't want this to become common gossip.

I assure you, no one'll be more anxious to keep it a secret than I.

PAUL: Good morning, Dorothy. Good morning, Mr. Chadwick.

A Miss Marklin phoned. She's getting married this afternoon.

Oh, good for her.

She said if you don't return her call she's going through with it.

A Mr. Conmar called about the labor relations meeting, and...

Hold everything off for a while, Dorothy.

I have to do some social work for a brokenhearted father.

VOICE ON ANSWERING MACHINE: This is a recording. Dr. Boullard is not in.

At the sound of the first beep tone, start talking.

You have until the second beep tone to deliver your message.

Thank you.

(BEEPING)

How do you do? You don't know me, but I wanted to talk to you.

The reason I'm calling is,

well, do you think it might be possible for you and me, well,

perhaps if you had the time, I mean...

(BEEPING)

(SIGHS)

What's the matter with me?

VOICE ON ANSWERING MACHINE: This is a recording. Dr. Boullard is not in.

At the sound of the first beep tone, start talking.

You have until the second beep tone to deliver your message.

Thank you.

(BEEPING)

Hello. It's me again. I, I forgot to leave my telephone number.

It's Madison 39844. That's my home number.

It's hard to... Well, we've never met.

When you call back, I feel I can...

Well, I mean, it's always easier to talk to someone...

Well, you know...

(BEEPING)

Dumb.

Something wrong?

Dorothy, if a father ever asks you to romance his daughter,

turn him down.

You have my word.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello. Oh, this is Dr. Boullard.

Who? Dr. Boullard.

Oh, yes.

Are you the gentleman who called my office?

Yes. I, I thought that...

May I ask who referred you?

Well, it was your...

(STUTTERING)

Well... How long have you had this speech defect?

What?

You apparently have trouble forming sentences.

You made two calls and never completed a thought.

There seems to be a breakdown between the brain impulse and the motor response.

Well, well...

Well, I don't give speech therapy,

but I suggest you first check out

the possibility of your condition being physical.

Have you been this way since birth?

No. I...

Have you been involved in any accident

that left you with a head injury?

Head injury?

Have you been to a neurosurgeon for an electroencephalograph?

There may be brain damage.

Dr. Boullard, I... Yes?

(STAMMERING) The reason I, I called is...

Yes?

Well...

The condition seems to be deteriorating.

I strongly urge that you seek prompt medical attention.

Thank you for calling.

Brain damage. Big psychologist.

Oh, will I give you a case to work on.

(ALL CHATTERING)

I don't care what anybody says.

My mother wasn't domineering.

(CHUCKLING)

She was a wonderful woman.

There you go defending her again.

When are you going to admit you hate her?

Don't you want to get better? Oh, nonsense.

Mr. Chadwick, what's your opinion?

Does a man have to hate his mother to be well-adjusted?

I never thought so.

Another mother-lover. MAN: He has a point.

Okay, what's the gig? What's your scene?

Will you stop already with that musician talk?

Take five, will you? Come on, open up.

What sour notes did Mommy croon when she rocked your cradle?

This is Mr. Chadwick's first day with the group.

It's natural for him to be a little inhibited.

Well, this has been

a very productive session. Oh, yes.

Next week at the same time.

Goodbye, Dr. Boullard. One week without your mother

is gonna be great. I think I feel better now.

I never should have married a pediatrician.

Well, you know you're sick. Sure I'm sick, why do you think I'm here?

Goodbye. Goodbye.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to join the discussion.

Oh, you will next time. Goodbye.

I won't be coming back.

I couldn't possibly discuss my problem in front of other people.

But why not?

You've heard them talk quite freely about very personal matters.

Oh, sure, mother fixations, unresponsive wives, infidelity.

Normal problems.

I wish my problem were that simple.

Well, bye, Doctor.

Mr. Chadwick, wait. Yes?

Sit down. Please.

Tell me.

What is this problem?

It's just too personal.

You're alone.

You're here.

Mr. Chadwick, you've come to me for a very specific reason.

Yes, I have.

Would it make it easier if I were a man?

No, it would make it impossible.

Only a woman could possibly help me.

Oh.

Oh, if I could only talk about it. I'm so ashamed.

Well, Mr. Chadwick, there's nothing you can say that I haven't heard before.

Now what is your problem?

Women.

That is not too uncommon.

You see, Doctor, I'm...

You're what?

It's awfully hard to say.

Say it.

I'm irresistible to them.

You're irresistible to women?

They just won't leave me alone.

Very few men would consider that a problem.

Oh, Doctor, it's a curse, a nightmare.

Do you know what it feels like

to be wanted just for your body?

No.

Oh, how I envy you.

What I'd give to have a body nobody wanted.

It's inhuman. They know I can't refuse.

Why can't you?

Because of Wanda.

Who is Wanda?

It was our senior year in high school.

Wanda was a pom-pom girl, full of life.

The war was on.

I had just enlisted in the Marine Corps that morning.

We were...

We were walking across the Golden Gate Bridge.

Wanda was a decent girl,

but in a moment of patriotism she offered herself to me.

She offered herself to you.

I said no. I was a marine now.

I didn't want to do anything to besmirch the honor of the Corps.

If I hadn't said no

she never would have jumped.

She jumped from the bridge?

I lunged for her. I managed to grab the hem of her gown.

She slipped through.

I stood there holding an empty graduation dress.

You were clutching an empty dress.

She plummeted down.

As she hit the water,

the last thing I remember

was an accusing finger pointing up at me.

And you've carried that sense of guilt ever since.

I've never said no to another woman.

Mr. Chadwick, not all women destroy themselves

when a man refuses to make love to them.

I can't risk another Wanda.

And, Doctor, the word's gotten out on me.

That I'm a man who doesn't dare say no.

And how ruthless women are when you're defenseless.

I've become a love toy. They take terrible liberties with me.

Doctor, please. Help me. They're killing me.

Mr. Chadwick, you're killing yourself to atone for Wanda.

Have you ever tried to say no?

In the beginning I'd start to,

then I'd see that look in their eye. The same look Wanda had.

Mmm-hmm.

And I'd stop struggling

and do as I was told.

I'm so ashamed.

Oh, Mr. Chadwick, I'm a doctor.

To wake up

every morning in a strange apartment,

and on the dressing table, a scribbled thank-you note and cab fare.

Makes you feel cheap.

Oh, thank goodness I can talk to somebody who's been through it.

Oh, I, I wasn't referring to any personal experience.

Out of the tragic death of Wanda

you have created a fantasy which you apply to all women.

You must learn that you can say no. I'm afraid.

But nothing will happen.

If only I could be sure. You will be.

The group meets next week at the same hour.

Group? Yes.

I was hoping I could work on... With you alone.

Oh. Unfortunately I can't take on

any new individual patients at this time.

But, Doctor, I'm desperate. Believe me, Mr. Chadwick,

you can accomplish just as much within the group.

Yeah.

But it makes it a little more difficult.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Yes. PAUL: Doctor? Paul Chadwick.

I hate to call you at this hour but an emergency just came up.

What's wrong? Where are you? Home.

There's a girl in my bedroom. How did she get in?

With a passkey.

Somebody made up a batch of them and is selling them.

I'm trapped.

Oh, now listen carefully. You mustn't panic. You must be firm.

You must tell her no. 1 did.

She ran into the bedroom, threw herself on the bed, and she's crying.

I just know something terrible is gonna happen.

Nothing will happen.

Oh yes, it will. I saw that look in her eye. Doc, she's a jumper.

Mr. Chadwick, this is a crucial moment in your therapy.

You're to do exactly as I say.

Go back in that bedroom, sit down on that bed,

take that girl by the shoulders, look her right in the eye,

and order her to go home.

But I... Now don't argue.

Hang up and do it. Whatever you say.

Who were you calling?

My analyst.

I have a problem with women.

You do?

I can't say no to them. She's trying to cure me.

Well, if she does, they ought to take away her license.

(CHUCKLING)

Mr. Chadwick? Please, Arlene, let me rest.

Mr. Chadwick? Oh. Oh, it's you, thank goodness.

What are you doing here? Well, I got away at dawn.

The cathedral was closed so I came here.

What happened after our phone conversation?

I followed your instructions.

Mmm-hmm.

I went into the bedroom, sat down on the bed, took her by the shoulders,

looked her right in the eye, ordered her to get dressed and go home.

She'd taken her clothes off? Well, not everything. She had her shoes on.

I tried to dress her but she kept fighting me.

Have you ever had a man try to put your clothes on

when you didn't want to? Never!

I held her with one hand and tried to dress her with the other.

And she kept squirming and wiggling and sliding around.

I really had my hands full.

Did you talk to her? Did you try to reason with her?

When a woman's down to her shoes

you're in no position to negotiate.

I must have struggled for over an hour. And then?

There's only one hope for me.

An operation.

Mr. Chadwick!

A scar. Maybe plastic surgery will save me.

Make me repulsive.

Oh, Mr. Chadwick, there are other ways to solve the problem.

At the moment you're tired, you're confused, you need rest.

If I could only get a full night's sleep.

You're too vulnerable at your apartment. Yes, but...

I want you to go to a hotel and register under an assumed name.

Well, whatever you say.

I'm actually encouraged by what happened. You've made progress.

You've taken the first step.

You've said no to a woman and she didn't jump.

But what a price.

She cried, she threatened, but she didn't jump.

And what is the next step?

Even if a woman is standing there with no clothes on

you will be able to walk out on her.

That'll be the day.

Lauren?

Taste this wine sauce. It's for the chicken.

Mmm. Very good.

It's an old family recipe.

My father gave it to me when I was 16.

Mmm-hmm.

Now, I don't mind cooking dinner, but when we get married

there're going to be some changes.

We're getting a built-in oven.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello? PAUL: Dr. Boullard?

Yes. Paul Chadwick.

I'm here at the Winston Hotel under an assumed name.

I just wanted to call you before I went to bed.

Fine. Well, get a good night's sleep and in the morning...

Who are you?

What's wrong? Who's there? A woman.

She's coming in through the fire escape. Keep away from me!

Oh, make her leave. Throw her out. Both of them?

There are two? She brought a friend.

Doctor, help!

Mr. Chadwick. Mr... Oh.

Lauren? Where are you going? To the Winston Hotel.

What about dinner? Arnold, this is important.

This man needs me.

That's another thing I'm going to change after we get married.

No more rushing off to meet men at strange hotels.

She's going to have dinner first.

(BAND PLAYING)

MAN 1: Hey, Joe. Joe, come on up. Come on up.

LAUREN: Where's the house phone?

I want to go to the desk. I've got to talk to the desk clerk.

I must, I must go and speak to the desk...

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

Key in...

You're not allowed in here, sir. Would you...

Gentlemen, would you please leave? One at a time, now.

Just one at a time, please. If you'll form a single file...

MAN 2: One for you, and one for you. Oh, no!

No, no, please, no, no... MAN 2: And one for you...

Gentlemen, gentlemen, will you please return those keys?

Otherwise you're all going to end up in the wrong rooms.

Well, that's great. Did you get a look at our wives?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Please, I must talk to you. I'm looking for a man.

Well, if you can't get one here, give up.

But he's in danger. Two women just broke in his room.

Well, that must be the Pasadena delegation.

Three of them just carried off the night manager.

Oh. Where is the house detective?

Oh, there he is, in the black hat.

I'm a doctor, this is an emergency.

Well, what's his name?

I don't know what name he registered under.

He's lost. Save me.

He's a sick man.

Listen to her, she's a doctor. It could kill me.

Would you please page a Dr. Lauren Boullard, please?

WOMAN ON PA SYSTEM: Dr. Boullard, telephone. Dr. Lauren Boullard.

Where's the house phone? I'm a doctor.

Oh, please get me to the house phone. I must talk on the phone.

Doctor Boullard, where are you?

In the lobby. Are you all right?

I locked myself in the bathroom. They're taking the hinges off.

Oh, what room are you in?

I'm on the third floor, Room 3...

(MUFFLED TALKING)

Mr. Chadwick. Mr... Oh.

I must get to the elevator, let me down. I must get to the... Oh!

Oh, that's fine. Oh, thank you very much. I'm most grateful.

Thank you. Just fine. Thank you so much, I'm most grateful to you.

Thank you. Thank you. That's very kind of you.

Thank you so much. Thank you very much.

MAN 3: There you go!

LAUREN: No, no. Please let me down. No, no, no. You don't understand.

I want to go upstairs. I'm a doctor.

You see, my patient is upstairs.

Please, no. No.

Oh, Arnold, don't ask me how I ended up in Albany.

I was trapped in a bus with 98 drunken Bison.

I'm sorry you waited until 2:00 in the morning keeping dinner warm.

Mr. Chadwick.

Two against one. It wasn't fair.

I'll call you later.

What happened? They took off the bathroom door.

I tried to hide. Oh, Doctor, where were you?

I couldn't get to you through the crowd.

There must be something you can give me that's quick and painless.

Put me away. Don't talk like that.

All I ask is you don't bury me next to a woman.

You're so exhausted you're irrational.

You're coming with me. What are you going to do?

See that you get some sleep and rest,

and that you're not disturbed.

Where're we going? To my apartment.

Now, don't you feel nice and safe here?

Yes, I do. In your bed. The last place I would have thought of.

I was almost ready to give up.

That you must never do.

You have suffered a few setbacks,

but since your first visit to my office

you've come a long way.

Yes, as I lie here I realize that.

But you still have a long way to go.

I realize that, too.

The time. I must get back to my office.

Now, the phone's off the hook, and I'll lock the door.

You get some sleep and I'll be back at 6:00.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Oh, excuse me, somebody at the door.

They've found me.

Nobody knows you're here.

You weren't at the office and your phone's been busy.

Oh. Good news. Mother's flying up

from West Palm Beach to meet you.

I thought she was afraid of flying. She is.

But, as she says,

what's a mother's life when your only son's about to get married.

She never thinks of herself. You'll love Mother Plum.

That's what everyone calls her.

Lauren?

Lauren. There's a man in your bed.

Yes, I know. He's resting.

Is he sick?

No, just exhausted. He's a patient.

Oh.

I'm trying to build his strength up.

Would you go and see that he finishes his soup?

Of course.

How do you do? Hi.

I'm Arnold Plum, Doctor Boullard's fiancé. Fiance?

You're not eating your soup.

So this is Lauren's bedroom.

You've never been in here before? What for?

The TV set's in the living room.

Come on, now. Doctor wants you strong again.

Tell me,

aren't there any questions you'd like to ask?

About what?

Well, me being in your fiancée's bed.

Now what type of relationship would we have

if I became suspicious of every man I found in her bed?

You didn't tell me she had a fiancé. What do you need me for?

Let her marry Arnold. They'll go on their honeymoon, they'll...

Monsieur, if you could finish that sentence, I would not need you.

Come.

Go back to the apartment. Please.

What for? Believe me, she's hopeless.

No, no, not completely.

Remember, she has French blood.

Why, her three aunts, they were the toast of Paris.

Well, this one's been left in the toaster too long. She'll never pop up.

Monsieur, why, with your charm,

you could make this bird grow feathers again.

This or your daughter? I don't know which I'd rather work on.

Mr. Chadwick?

Mr. Chadwick? Oh, it's you.

I, I wasn't sure.

Hiding in closets isn't going to cure you.

There's only one thing that will. Yes?

Get dressed. Dressed?

You're going out tonight. Out there?

They'll get me. Nonsense.

You can't spend the rest of your life in my bed.

All I need is a few days. Well, that's withdrawal.

A few days become a few weeks, and then a few months,

and you'll never want to leave this room.

That sick I'll never get.

Your anxieties about women are reaching a psychotic stage.

I'm going to prove to you that you can spend an evening with a woman

without her attempting suicide

or threatening to force herself upon you.

After what I've been through.

You don't know what they're like.

You're going out with me.

We'll have dinner, go to the theater, go dancing,

stop for a drink, return here.

You'll shake my hand and go home.

Nothing else? Nothing else.

Doctor, don't hold out any false hope.

Isn't it happening at the moment?

Aren't we in my bedroom alone?

We are, aren't we?

Do you see any lust or desire in my eyes?

No. And you never will.

I'm beginning to believe that.

I know you'll like it here, Mother.

They tell me it's much more respectable than a commercial hotel.

Here, Son, let me carry that.

I don't want you to strain yourself.

Gee, Mother, I'm a grown man.

I'm getting married. I'll have a wife.

She can let you carry suitcases.

Until then you still have a mother who worries about you.

Oh, but Mother, I...

Mother.

You know, Doctor,

it's really a very pleasant experience

to be out with somebody like you.

Makes me realize I've been going out with the wrong type of woman.

Recognizing that fact is very helpful.

Would you mind if I paid you a compliment?

I like that dress you're wearing.

Oh, thank you. Now you take a girl like Doris.

She would have spent $400 or $500 on an eye-catching original.

And yet I much prefer the simplicity of that dress.

Something you probably just picked off a rack.

Actually, this was made for me.

Well, come to think of it,

you probably do have to have your clothes specially tailored.

Why do you say that?

Well, for example, I have one shoulder lower than the other.

I mean, all of us have some adjustments to make.

Some more than others.

But then we'll let our tailors worry about those problems.

We're here to enjoy ourselves.

Gee, Doctor, I'm glad I'm out with you.

Taxi!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

May I tell you how much I enjoy dancing with you?

Thank you.

It's been such a long time since I've done a nice, simple two-step.

Most girls today don't even remember this step.

Oh?

The modern woman doesn't appreciate good dancing.

What does the modern woman like?

Oh, it changes every day.

You take a girl like Susan.

She'd have insisted on going to a place where they do all those new flashy steps.

Of course, that type of wild dancing fits someone like Susan.

At her age you still have the energy.

How young is Susan?

Oh, she can't be more than 26, 27.

Do I look much older than 26 or 27?

Oh, you're lucky.

When you're that thin it's deceptive.

There's no way to tell a person's age.

Do you consider me unusually thin?

Statistically, you'll live much longer than the average woman.

Anyhow, after a certain point, how important is age?

The main thing is we're two people having fun.

Gee, Doctor, I'm glad I'm out with you.

You know, you've made this such a wonderful evening.

I think we should celebrate it with some champagne.

Now, let's see. What's a good year?

'59?

Oh, that's very interesting.

A girl like Andrea would have ordered a '47.

But then, she's the type of person who insists on the best

and the most expensive year.

Mr. Chadwick, I'm not unfamiliar with champagne.

My father was French,

and it so happens your friend Andrea is not the final authority.

'59 is a better year. Well, I...

Good evening, madame, monsieur.

Good evening.

To play it safe,

I think we should stick with Andrea's judgment.

A bottle of Mont Blanc '47, please. Yes, sir.

And a bottle of '59, please. Now, Doctor.

Your ego is hurt and you're just trying to prove a point.

'59 is a better year.

Ordering a bottle for yourself, that's foolhardy.

With Andrea, yeah, she can handle it. But you...

You don't know my capacity.

Now you're trying to prove another point,

that you can drink as much as Andrea.

You know you can't possibly finish a bottle of champagne by yourself.

A bottle of '59, please.

Please.

I knew she couldn't handle it.

Oh. Thank you.

Good evening.

Mickey, come up to the apartment

as soon as you can, will you, please?

Would you look at that girl Mr. Chadwick's taking up to his apartment?

She's unconscious. What a time to pass out.

Disgusting.

Shocking. I thought this was a respectable hotel.

That's why I couldn't leave her lying in the gutter.

Give the place a bad name.

How low can a woman fall?

Pretty low.

Once she was showered with minks and diamonds.

Now you can have her for a bottle of muscatel

and some green stamps.

Mr. Chadwick, what are you doing?

I'm gonna sleep here.

First you have me undress her, and now you're gonna sleep out here?

That's right.

You're shattering all my illusions.

When a man like you does this, what's there left for a girl to believe in?

Have faith, Mickey.

(CHUCKLING) That's why 1 go on working here.

I keep dreaming one night there'll be an earthquake,

followed by a flood and blizzard.

No girl will be able to get through. You'll have to settle for me.

Be patient. I'm saving you for something special.

Remember, everything comes to him who waits.

Yeah, like gray hair, false teeth, the gout.

Mr. Chadwick.

Mr. Chadwick.

Say something.

I trusted you.

You were my last hope. What happened?

Please. Just get dressed and go home.

But you must tell me. I'm your analyst.

What did I do? You're worse than the others.

They would just laugh and leave. You want me to talk about it.

Mr. Chadwick, please tell me.

The last thing I remember, I was drinking some champagne.

You don't remember innocently asking to stop by and see my apartment?

No.

And you don't remember asking me to go out into the kitchen

and make some coffee?

No. Believe me.

When I came out of the kitchen,

I realized it was more than coffee you wanted.

What happened?

I saw your clothes but you weren't in them.

Where was 1?

Why do you insist on humiliating me? Just laugh and leave.

Oh, but I must know. Where was 1? On my bed, giggling.

When I got there, you had the pillow over your face and you said,

"Guess who?"

I followed your professional advice.

Grabbed you by the ankles, yanked you off the bed,

ordered you to get dressed.

You broke away, ran.

And that's where I found you.

On the ledge? Perched on one leg.

Like a large naked bird.

And then you said the one terrible word.

Wanda.

I didn't... Oh, I wouldn't. The rest is an old story.

Mr. Chadwick, please, you must believe me.

I don't remember a thing. I'm so shocked I...

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything. Just...

Just get dressed and go.

And, Doctor, promise me one thing.

If you have to talk about this to your friends, don't boast.

Now, I'm not one to complain, but you have been acting strangely.

Yesterday I come to your apartment and find a man in your bed.

It could have been very embarrassing.

Luckily I was able to explain who I was.

Then you're out all night, I can't reach you all day.

You disappoint my mother. And I get here and find you drinking.

Lauren, that's your fourth glass.

Arnold, before I marry you I've got to get drunk.

Drunk?

It's an experiment in the best interests of our future relationship.

How do I behave under the influence of alcohol?

I've got to find out.

Lauren.

When I'm drunk, Arnold,

will I become a lust-crazed animal who will make physical advances towards you?

Lauren.

I'm frightened.

Mr. Chadwick? This is Etienne, Michel's friend.

His daughter is in my restaurant.

She just finished a bottle of champagne again.

No, no, she's not making a scene. She's just sitting there.

Lying there quietly on the floor.

Now you wait here. I'll run out and get a cab.

Lauren?

Lauren?

Mickey.

I don't know what he sees in her.

Going up?

Revolting.

Yeah, old rotgut's a sad case.

They should never have abolished public whippings.

Where are you taking her? My apartment.

Well, I never. Oh, you ought to try it sometime. It's fun.

Mr. Chadwick.

Mr. Chadwick, I was having a drink with my fiance.

How did I get here?

Oh, no, Monsieur, at this point it's no time to think of turning back.

I didn't say I would.

I only called you here to see if you had any doubts.

Etienne, you are looking at a great human being.

Under these conditions, how many men do you know

would first ask a father's permission?

Just one. My cousin, André.

And he was severely beaten each time.

Strike the man who is going to breathe life into my daughter?

Why, I embrace him.

Michel.

He's crying.

Tears of joy.

I'm close to tears myself.

Lauren, I think I'm entitled to an explanation.

Your behavior has been appalling.

You get drunk, disappear, and refuse to tell me where you've been.

I can't talk about it.

And don't ever mention last night again. Yes, but I...

Ever, ever, ever.

Lauren, you're on the verge of hysteria.

Only one thing will snap you out of it. A slap right across the face.

Go ahead, slap me. You'll feel better.

I don't want to hit you. What's a husband for?

Oh, if only I didn't have to meet your mother right now.

That's it. That explains everything.

You're nervous about meeting her. About her liking you.

Oh, Arnold, are you sure you're making a good marriage?

Am I the right woman? Am I good enough for you?

I can only give you the same answer I gave Mother.

Yes.

Lauren, what's wrong? This place,

I must get out of here. Silly.

Mother's going to love you. Arnold, please take me home.

Don't be afraid, you're not going to lose me.

I don't feel very well.

Even if Mother disapproved, I'm a grown man.

We'll see each other secretly. Arnold, oh, please, please.

But how can she disapprove?

How many brides come to their husbands with a record like yours?

You mustn't cry.

I can't help it.

Now. Now you wait here. I'll go up and get her.

Arnold.

Try and control yourself. Mother doesn't like tears.

She says it's a sign of weakness. That's why she left Dad.

A man of rare qualities.

Compassion, understanding, integrity.

Hew many fathers stumble across a gem like that?

(LAUREN SOBBING)

Look.

The words of a thousand poets

cannot touch the heart as deeply as the tears of one woman.

I do not wish to intrude.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

I'll be all right. Is there anything I can do?

I don't do this often.

I can't remember ever having cried before in my life.

When you were three and your dog, Duchess,

was lost for two days, you cried.

When you asked the little boy next door to marry you,

and he said he liked his white mice better, you cried.

And didn't you cry at the airport,

when your mother took you to America?

Duchess has chased her last rabbit.

The little girl has become a lovely woman.

And the man trembles.

Is he still

the knight in shining armor he once was?

Oh, Papa!

Oh, Papa.

Papa, Papa.

Si tu savais comme fe suis heureux de te retrouver.

Oh, moi aussi papa.

Insensitive swine.

Would you smoke while the Angelus Choir sang the Ave Maria?

I can't stop crying.

How wasted is the shoulder that hasn't known a daughter's tears.

Oh, I'm ruining your suit. No, you're anointing it.

My daughter. How proud I am.

Oh. Oh, no, Papa, don't say that.

I'm so ashamed.

What could my little snow princess have done to be ashamed of?

I can't tell you.

When you were little,

didn't you always come to me with your problems?

Remember when you lost your bicycle?

This time I lost more than my bicycle.

What happened?

I can't.

It's a man.

It was a bad experience?

He made you very unhappy?

Well, I'm an old-fashioned father.

This evil man who has brought pain to my daughter has to be punished.

Oh, I'm the one to blame. No, no. Don't defend him.

A monster who would take advantage of a fatherless girl must be destroyed.

The sick, twisted minds of some men.

I just left the apartment of a man I met in Paris.

He was boasting of the cruel deception

he's perpetrated on some innocent girl.

Michel, no!

Getting her drunk and inventing a lurid story

of what had happened during the night.

Deliberately leading her into thinking that she had submitted to him.

What is his... What's his name?

And how he stood there bragging that she would come running to him,

begging for his favors.

Is it... Is it Paul Chadwick?

What? Do you know him?

He is the man?

Then nothing happened to me.

He'll pay for this.

With these aging hands, 1 will strangle this predatory beast.

No, Papa, we must keep the beast alive and make him suffer.

To him death must not be a punishment. It must come as a blessing.

Wait for me, Papa, I'll be right back. Of course, my darling.

Michel. What have you done?

For the anguish he caused my daughter, he must pay. I live only for revenge.

On Paul Chadwick? Don't foul the air with his name.

You came to him. You asked him for a favor.

If he had a shred of decency he would have thrown me out.

A man of rare qualities.

Compassion. Selfishness.

Understanding. Cunning.

Integrity. Deceit.

You kissed him. Blinded by the tyrant's charm.

They cheered Hitler.

When that little girl cried on my shoulder,

oh, I was filled with a consuming hatred for that man.

Little girl? She's almost 30.

A growing child. Michel, an old maid.

Etienne,

we've been friends a long time. Don't make me strike you.

You would hit me?

If you continue to talk that way about my baby.

It is hopeless to argue with a man who has just become a father.

It's been simply dreadful.

Drunken women being carried up in elevators.

Trading their bodies for green stamps.

Meeting Lauren will renew your faith in women.

She has character, good breeding.

She'll give you fine grandchildren.

I don't need to be a grandmother, Son.

Not when I think of what you'd have to go through.

Here she is. Lauren, this is mother. Mother, this is Lauren.

No!

Oh, no.

Mother, what's wrong? No!

(THUDDING) Mother!

Mother?

Oh, no.

No. Mother.

Mother.

The table looks beautiful, Mickey.

That's the story of my life.

I set the stage and the show goes on without me.

Who's delivering the lush tonight? Apex Van and Storage?

Tonight she'll be sober. Well, why are you going to all this trouble?

I'm doing her father a favor.

Would it help if I brought a note from my father?

What time is she coming?

I don't know. But she'll be here. She has to.

But how to do it without losing face? She has great pride, you know.

At this very moment she's fighting herself.

But it's a losing battle.

She has more fight in her than I thought.

She'll be here.

You've been saying that for three days now.

Maybe I better call her apartment. She won't be there.

Any girl who can stay away from you for three days,

there's only one place to look for her. The morgue.

Don't feel bad, she's dead. She might be ill.

Well, how sick can you be? Say she's got a couple of broken legs.

You drag yourself over on your elbows.

You could make a block an hour.

She should have been here yesterday.

LAUREN: Hello? Doctor, this is Paul.

Who? Paul Chadwick.

Oh. Oh, yes. Of course. Are you all right?

You were very upset when you left here Friday.

Friday? What day is this? Monday.

Already? What happened to Saturday and Sunday?

(LAUREN GIGGLING)

What happened to Saturday and Sunday?

Doctor, don't do anything, I'll be right over.

Mickey, I've gone too far. That poor girl's mind has snapped.

That's no excuse. You rent a straitjacket and you come over.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

LAUREN: Come in.

Doctor?

It's a Spanish love song.

The men sing it as they carry their women into the hills.

And you know what happens in those hills.

(CASTANET CLICKING)

Are you feeling all right?

Divinely happy.

I've been in those hills.

And you're responsible. Me?

But you said you didn't remember anything about it.

Oh, those nights with you, of course not.

What hills are you talking about?

What happened over the weekend?

Where did you go when you left my apartment?

I walked.

That night I wanted to see you desperately.

I had to fight to keep from calling you. Well, you should have called.

Oh, but your problem with women. I know how you suffer.

So I'd have suffered a little more.

Besides, with you it was like a miracle.

I think I enjoyed myself.

I walked for hours.

It was midnight, I was at the docks.

And suddenly there he was.

Who was? Ramon.

Ramén? Captain Ramon Alvarez,

or as he's known to women in every seaport of the world, "El Magnifico."

El Magnifico?

The magnificent one. What's so magnificent about him?

And will you stop clicking those things?

El Magnifico. A phony Spaniard

with some cheap wine and a long-playing record.

You were picked up by a sailor.

I was chosen by a god. He permitted me to serve him.

From Friday to Monday? That's a lot of service.

For a mortal man, yes.

El Magnifico never even drew a deep breath.

When he left he said I'd pleased him.

I dropped to the ground and kissed his feet.

With his shoes on?

The grateful pupil paying homage to the teacher.

On Friday El Magnifico took a confused girl into that room.

On Monday he released a woman.

LAUREN: Paul, turn around.

Come here.

How strange.

What is? The resemblance.

He left his cap. Here, try it on.

Amazing.

If you were three inches taller and your eyes weren't as watery,

and you didn't have that roll of fat,

you could pass for a smaller version of El Magnifico.

I could?

Did you mean it when you said you enjoyed those nights with me?

Well, yeah, sure. Why?

El Magnifico will be gone for six months.

Yeah?

Of course, after Mount Everest, you don't settle for a sand pile.

Yet the thrill of climbing is in your blood. And who knows?

You might find an interesting sand pile.

Paul. What?

Let's go mountain-climbing.

I thought you'd just got back from the top of Everest?

Oh, I don't expect to get to the top again.

Just take me as high as you can. I'll understand.

Now? Now.

If I only didn't have that meeting. There'll be other meetings.

Not like this one. It's very important. Break it.

It's too late. The President's plane has already left Washington.

What a time for my country to need me.

Oh, but I need you, too. Don't tear me apart.

Could anything drag me away but the threat to world peace?

I'll never forgive the Russians for this. Never.

He had to meet the President? How is that for an excuse?

And he'll never forgive the Russians. Oh, it was beautiful.

He left like a fumbling schoolboy.

He's a broken man, Papa.

Women everywhere are now safe.

I feel like a doctor who's stopped an epidemic.

And how long will he be in this condition? A little while.

And then it'll get worse. His ego is crushed.

This humiliation will fester in his mind.

He'll be so afraid of failing again, he'll never test himself with another woman.

I've seen patients in this condition. They're a pitiful sight.

(CHUCKLING)

You've sentenced Mr. Chadwick to a living death.

Yes, and I wish him a long life.

What am I afraid of? El Magnifico.

Just a crummy sea captain with an oversized cap.

I did have a meeting, even if it wasn't that important.

LAUREN: Hello? Dr. Boullard, Paul Chadwick.

You... What?

The President is fine. You just wait there. I'll be right over.

El Magnifico.

Those foreigners are overrated.

I'll show her some good old American know-how.

You talking to me? No.

I'm just trying to work out a problem.

There's only one way to work it out. Belt her.

How did you know it was a woman?

What other problems do we have?

Look at those men out there, going home to their wives.

In the army I saw guys charge enemy machine guns with more enthusiasm.

Yeah, but I'm not married to this one. I just have to prove something.

Pull up to that bar. I'll have a drink first.

Oh?

She's waiting. Let her wait.

Attaboy. Do her good to sweat it out.

Come on. Have a drink with me.

I'd consider it an honor.

We'll drink to all those poor slobs

who're afraid to come home five minutes late

and go to their graves five years early.

Every man has his El Magnifico.

Right. Mine was named Leonard.

Before Gladys and I were married she used to date him.

He was a lifeguard at Far Rockaway.

I mean, how does an optometrist compete

with the memory of a lifeguard at Far Rockaway?

Well, you tried.

It's been like a bad movie. She laughs in all the wrong places.

Well, nobody's gonna laugh at this boy. That's right.

Bartender. Yes, sir?

Three this time. He's gonna get even for all of us.

And on the way out, just to keep her in line,

he might kick her a couple of times.

Hey, listen, when you kick her, make believe it's Gladys.

Today's our fourth anniversary

and I was trying to think of something special to give her.

You know, she's probably wondering where you are.

Let her wonder.

Stop at that next bar. We'll have one more drink.

Harry,

call Murryhill 24789

and tell her I'm on my way.

He's on his way. Down with all tyrants.

Someday, you're gonna be able to tell your grandchildren

that the revolution started in your bar

on Sixth Avenue.

Murryhill 24789?

This is Harry.

Mr. Chadwick's Chief of Staff. The army of liberation is on its way.

To our leader. Right.

To victory. Right.

For every man who perished as the word El Magnifico pierced his heart.

Tonight will be his memorial. Right.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Murryhill 24789?

Yes. Don't scream. This is a revolution.

We have come to reclaim what is ours by natural law.

What our leader is about to do is being done in the name of all men.

Sir, the enemy.

All right, boys, turn him loose.

Could you send the janitor up?

I want something stored overnight.

Morning. Would you like some coffee?

What happened last night?

There are some eggs in the refrigerator. No.

Tell me. What happened?

You don't remember? No.

Then why discuss it?

It could have happened to any man.

What could have happened? Paul, please, don't do this to yourself.

I want to know.

You broke in and announced that

you were going to make me forget El Magnifico.

Yeah?

I should have realized it wasn't you, it was the liquor talking.

Don't make excuses for me. What happened?

You took me to the bedroom. And then?

Why do you insist on torturing yourself?

Did I or did I not make love to you?

Well, I wouldn't like to make a snap decision.

I'd have to think about it.

Couldn't you tell? Do you have to have ayes or no?

Well, it's kind of important. Well, I'm just not sure.

I dozed off.

You...

You went to sleep?

Oh, I often do, when I'm watching television.

You were watching television?

Now, Paul, you mustn't take this as a personal defeat.

Conditions last night were not ideal. You were drinking.

You were pressing.

But you're not drunk now.

What do you mean?

Would you like it if I didn't go to the office this morning?

What's wrong? I don't know.

All of a sudden,

I've got this terrible chill.

Let me see your hands. Hmm. Cold and clammy.

I don't feel very well.

You're trembling.

Never felt like this before. Do you feel nauseous?

A little. Is your tummy upset? Something you ate?

Do you want to go to the bathroom?

Uh-uh.

Do your parents live in town? Shall I call your mother?

Shall I get the elevator boy to help you dress?

When the elevator guy brought him out, I knew the revolution was crushed.

He tried to do something for all men. How do we repay him?

Build a statue? He's still alive.

If you call that living.

What happens to him now? He's not eligible for a veteran's hospital.

It wasn't an official war. Some kind of rehabilitation.

Teach him to pick lettuce, make artificial flowers.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr. Chadwick.

His secretary told me he might be here.

He's over there.

Hello, Eileen? This is Paul.

Chadwick.

I caught you at a bad time, didn't 1?

Well, you're probably busy, but I was thinking we might go out tonight.

And if not, why, anytime would be all right.

Oh, you are busy tonight.

Oh, you're going to wash your stockings.

Well.

Would it be all right if I called in a week or two?

It was pitiful to see. That side of beef has more spirit left.

Etienne, my daughter went too far.

But you said he had to be destroyed.

But I was thinking of a normal revenge. In France, what happens?

The woman shoots the man. That's civilized.

Michel, this is madness.

Your daughter cries so you break down and tell her the truth.

In the hands of an outraged woman, that's a dangerous weapon.

That's why I must repair the damage.

By telling him the truth? I must.

And put a weapon in his hands?

Two people, armed, suspicious, disliking each other.

What have you got? Marriage, American-style.

Marriage? A boy, a girl. Why not?

But he has no interest in her. He was only doing you a favor.

But did he not offer to back out, to spare her?

Oh, would a man like this develop pangs of morality?

He fell in love.

And you would want a man you despise to marry your daughter?

Why not?

He's selfish, cunning, deceitful.

In a friend, treacherous qualities.

In a son-in-law, could be worse.

MICHEL: I felt it was my duty to come here and tell you the truth,

no matter who it hurt.

So that's how she found out nothing happened in my apartment.

Etienne told her. I was as shocked as you are.

Etienne, my boyhood friend.

El Magnifico.

I'll get even with her if it takes the rest of my life.

There is a way to do that, my son.

What's that word you just used? "My son?"

Now, I know you're not a priest. What did you have in mind?

It's an affectionate term sometimes used by a father-in-law...

You miserable conniver.

When you came to me with tears in your eyes, pleading for a favor,

you had something vile and vicious as that in mind.

I swear to you, my intentions were honorable.

But when you speak of revenge, I offer a solution.

Marriage? Your victim is chained to you for life.

At your mercy day after day. Never more than a step away.

You're dangerous. You make it sound appealing.

For what she did, make her suffer, my son.

Marry her. I'm being brainwashed.

You said "my son" again, and my stomach didn't turn.

There's something evil going on, and I don't know how to fight it.

Married to her for life? Would I make such a bad father-in-law?

You're a slippery, cagey, old fraud,

but likeable.

I can take you as a father-in-law, but how do we keep her out of it?

She works every day, goes to meetings.

How often will you have to see her? There's always Sunday.

She'll be running after the children in the park.

She's going to be the mother of my children?

Keep her pregnant all the time. But I don't like her.

That's part of the revenge. When she's waddling around, out to here,

how much trouble can she give you?

It'll be an effort just to sit down. Trust me. Go to her.

Oh, no. Then I'd be another Arnold.

If she's a woman, let her prove it.

She has to break down and come after me.

Perhaps if she thought you went off with another woman.

She'd never believe it.

At this point she's convinced I'm afraid to touch them.

Another woman wouldn't work.

Unfortunately you don't have much choice. You can't run off with a man.

(SNICKERING)

Why not? What?

She's a psychologist.

According to her predictions that's what could happen.

After what she did to me? That she might believe.

Mickey,

how would you like to spend the weekend with me?

Now, look, Mr. Chadwick,

I'm not the type of girl you say things like that to unless you mean it.

I mean it.

Just give me a minute. I'll call Mother, tell her the good news.

She's been waiting so long. Later.

First I want you to cut your hair. Anything.

You want me to take it all off? No. No. Just short.

And you'll need some clothes. Oh, I've got a dress.

We'll go to Brooks Brothers and get you a nice conservative business suit.

A man's suit? Yes.

Where are we going for the weekend, the YMCA?

(WHISTLING)

Mickey, you look great.

Yeah, sure. Really. You'll pass.

Now you know why I have to do this, don't you?

You have to be seen leaving with a man. Right.

So she'll follow you. Right.

Now, you don't feel uncomfortable, do you? No. It's romantic.

I always wanted to be part of a triangle.

But I never thought I'd end up as the other man.

I'd feel much better if you went back to West Palm Beach with me.

New York's a wicked place, Son. The women are not to be trusted.

I know Lauren was a disappointment, Mother.

But I'm moving into this men's club tomorrow. I'll be safe there.

You look fine.

Mickey, you're an angel.

I'll never forget what you're doing.

You're coming home.

In this city you're not even safe in a men's club.

Matt, if anyone asks,

I'll be at the Stardust Motel on Long Island for the weekend.

Stardust Motel. Right.

Yes, sir, Mr. Chadwick.

But when Etienne told me the news, I thought you would be overjoyed.

I broke his spirit. I pushed him too far.

Harry, I'd like you to meet a good friend of mine.

This is Mickey. Hi.

Mickey's a great girl.

He's a girl?

Take your hat off.

Still not convinced.

Did you see Mr. Chadwick go out? Yes, sir.

He said he'd be at the Stardust Motel on Long Island.

No Was he alone? He was with a man.

Strange-looking little fellow.

If they were all like Mickey,

the war between men and women would be over.

There'd be peace.

She's unusual.

Maybe we'll go out one night. She's sweet, devoted, loving, faithful.

She'd make a good wife.

A guy could save a lot of money with a girl like this.

Yes. She could wear my clothes.

(HONKING)

Mickey, she's here.

Hello, Mother? Mickey. I have to talk fast.

I'm at a motel on Long Island. I met the most wonderful man.

Harry.

No, he's not in the room. He's out in the cab.

Mother, please stop worrying. He's not gonna drive away.

I'll call you later. Here.

Go. Out the window.

Should we wait for you? No.

You and Harry go out and get to know each other.

He thinks you're quite a girl.

But how long can I get away with it?

I have to put on a dress sometime. Yeah. Go on, go on.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Who is it? LAUREN: It's me.

Go away. Open up, I must talk to you.

What do you want? Please.

Where is your companion? Mickey?

Went out to get groceries.

What are you doing?

Trying to keep you from making a tragic mistake.

Give me the key.

You know where it is. Don't do this to me.

But I'm on your side. I only want to help.

You want the key? Take it.

I can't. Oh, try. Please.

It's no use. Oh, oh. You mustn't give up so easily.

It's better this way. No conflict, no competition,

no having to live up to El Magnifico.

But there never was an El Magnifico.

Don't comfort me. I failed.

Once. It proves nothing.

There were others after you, and it was always the same.

The trembling, and the churning stomach, and then flight.

But it's all in your mind. It's too late for therapy, Doctor.

Where's Mickey?

It's not too late. You must fight. Why?

You were once a magnificent man. Women pleaded for your favors.

Seems like a thousand years ago.

I would put my arms around a woman, and she'd melt.

See, I'm melting.

And I'd kiss them, and they'd break out in goose bumps.

See? Goose bumps.

And then I'd... Try and remember.

The zipper on their dress.

Here. My hand's trembling.

Go ahead, zip.

1 did it. Of course.

Can't you see the wonderful thing that's happening?

I don't believe it. Don't stop now. What happened next?

I'd pick them up... Yes?

And I'd carry them... Yes? Yes?

I'd carry them...

But where?

To the bedroom? To the bedroom. It's all coming back.

Don't forget a thing.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Mr. Chadwick? This is Lauren's father.

In the lobby.

At a moment like this, I know the three of us would like to be together.

Why, to discuss the marriage contract.

Mr. Chadwick, I hope this doesn't sound old-fashioned,

but until the wedding Lauren will be sent to stay with friends.

But I will be at your side every moment.

I wish I could tell you what's in my heart, Son.

What is in your heart, Dad?

A girl's father cannot rely on the credit card system.

Fly now, pay later?

What if the prospective bridegroom does not enjoy the flight?

I'm left holding an unmarried airplane.

(BABIES CRYING)

A newborn child. Man's passport to immortality.

PAUL: She looks just like Lauren.

A granddaughter.

There's only one joy more infinite.

No more favors. What am I asking for?

A grandson. Forget it.

Oh, a little boy, of my own flesh,

to weep for me when I'm gone. We'll hire professional mourners.

I beg you, Paul, a grandson.

One last favor? Okay, okay.

But this is absolutely the last time. Come on, let's go see Mommy.

Upsy-daisy. Let's go.

Come on.

I'll race you. Okay.

Come on. Children...

As I go to my grave I'll remember this.

At the rate I'm going I may beat you there.