Original subtitles

Captioning made possible by the U.S. Department of education

( slam! )

Cliff, what are you doing?

Just celebrating the morning off, dear.

Cliff, it's 6:00.

Good. That means I've only used up a half hour.

That looks good.

Wait until I put on the gooseberry-kiwi jam.

Mm-mm-mm.

Mm-mmm!

Are you going to share?

No.

Oh, maybe.

Thanks a lot.

Eat up.

You're beautiful, you know that?

( wicked laughter )

Cliff.

( snarling )

Wait a minute!

I'll be late for work.

I want to kiss you

until it's time for you to go to work.

I'll be late.

Yes, but at least you'll go to work

with a smile on your face.

Every time I go to work with a smile on my face

Everybody knows why I'm late.

I guess I could always sneak in the back way.

You fool.

There is no back way.

( knocking )

Who is it?

It's Rudy.

What do you want?

I'm up.

Good.

It's snowing outside my window.

Is it snowing outside yours?

Yes.

Could I see?

Uh... hon, listen--

it's early in the morning.

Can I see mommy?

There's mommy.

Good morning, Rudy.

Morning, mommy.

Who wants to play?

Your mother and I are playing right now.

No, you're not.

Listen.

Come here a second.

It's early in the morning, honey.

You know that book Dad bought you

with pictures and some Words?

Why don't you go read that?

Bye-Bye.

And now...

I was kissing you

until it's time for you to go to work.

Cliff, look at that.

You've got a rip in your pajamas.

Well, there goes...

why do you wear these old pajamas?

They're comfortable.

Wear the ones I bought you for father's day.

They're silk pajamas.

I don't like silk.

I feel like I'm sliding around in them.

You never wear your father's day bathrobe, either.

That bathrobe is so short

I feel like a Roman soldier.

You never wear any of your father's day gifts.

When you get me presents, you get me things

that you want to see me in.

You don't get me things that I like.

That's not True.

It is True.

Father's day has been like that for a long time.

There are fathers everywhere

who get presents they can't use and don't want.

I'm serious.

From day one

when eve and the boys gave Adam the first soap-on-a-rope.

Cliff, come on.

I'm not kidding.

I have a closet here that is full of presents

that they sell only on One holiday--

father's day!

Look at this-- I've got a chest full of stuff here.

I saved these things

because I know that one day I will be about 70 years old

and my children will say

"Where's the father's day gifts I gave you?"

if I don't have them

they'll beat me up.

See these ties?

None of them go with any suit I have.

I have deodorants here--

enough to have me smelling like anybody you want to meet.

Also, I have the famous soap-on-the-rope

which I have never learned to use properly

because if you have to do your feet...

I have not been able to get up there yet.

Look at this!

I had forgotten...

Wait, put this on.

I have plenty of things that light up.

You have no idea.

I have suspenders someone gave me--

I don't know what the child was drinking at the time.

Oh, yes. Okay.

Wait a minute.

I love this because the little men's eyes light up.

This is more fun!

We ought to do this in the morning

and hope none of the children see us.

Oh, boy! How am I looking?

Great.

I love it when you dress me.

Oh, ssh.

Boy, oh, boy.

Now, oh-oh.

Let's not forget this.

Oh. Theo gave me this tie.

My son.

Isn't this wonderful?

Am I looking wonderful or what?

Oh, the yo-yo.

Am I looking wonderful?

Looking great.

Are these serious presents?

For father's day?

Last year, I sat in the living room all father's day.

Children walked past--

"Hi, dad. Nice to see you."

"Hello, Dad."

Somewhere around 4:00

somebody said, "is the mall still open?"

Oh, cliff.

It's not that bad.

It is that bad.

You mothers know how to work mother's day.

First, mothers tell the children

how they carried them all that time.

Then they say

"And I'd better get good presents

because you know who gave me these blue veins on my legs?"

I do not do that.

That's why you all get great presents--

because you all promote yourselves better.

I don't say anything, and look at me.

Let me show you something.

You think I'm kidding.

This is one of the highlights of my life.

I love it when it snows.

Maybe we can make a snowman before school.

Maybe there won't be school.

It has to snow more than that

before They'll close school.

Your problem is you like school.

You'd go on weekends if you could.

You'd do anything to get out of it--

like asking mom about staying home for the jewish holidays.

Hey, we're all brothers.

Hi.

Get down, dad.

You look like times square.

Dad, you okay?

Sure.

Dad, you look funny.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Good morning.

Good morning, Denise.

What's going on?

Oh, nothing.

Are you going to work like that?

Why not?

It doesn't look very professional.

Why are you dressed like that?

Because I want to talk to all of you about father's day.

Father's day?

It's two weeks before christmas.

I'm giving you six months' notice.

I want better presents.

Last year we chipped in with mom and got you that walkman.

And I watched my walkman walk around with you all.

I want something for me.

I gave you lots of hugs and kisses.

Yes, you did

and hugs and kisses--

I love them to death.

It's hard to shop for you on father's day.

Why?

It's so close to your birthday.

Father's day is June 16th.

My birthday is in october.

That's still two presents close together.

It can wipe you out.

Not if you plan well.

Last year, I found a shirt and a tie packaged together.

I gave him the tie for father's day

and saved the shirt for his birthday.

The shirt was too small

and then Rudy took my tie and used it for a jump rope.

You're demanding presents from your children.

All I'm asking you all to do is think.

Think.

Think about what?

I don't know.

About who I am

and what I am.

You've lived with me your whole life

and you buy presents like you met me yesterday.

Are you serious about this?

Look at me.

Would you go out in the street looking like this?

No.

There's the difference--

I would.

I would go outside looking like this

because my children bought this for me

and I love them.

One day

you'll become a father

and you'll get all of these things for father's day

because I'll come over and sell these to your children.

I'd like to get you better things

but I don't have the money.

I'm not talking about an apartment building.

Just a simple bouquet of flowers.

Okay, I'll get you flowers.

No, dad. I understand.

And dad

Sorry about that tie.

Somewhere there's a suit that goes with this tie.

But don't get the suit!

Dad's right.

We've done a lousy job for father's day.

Mom once gave me $20 to buy him a present.

I bought myself a $16 bracelet

and got him $4 cuff links.

All kids are like that on Father's day.

We could be the first kids in history

to get our father something he could use.

We'll be like pioneers.

Let's start looking today.

Are you kidding?

It's a great idea.

I'll ask mom

if she'll take us shopping after school.

I'm getting him tennis balls, and I don't care what they cost.

Mom, you look tired.

I don't know why I should.

I've only spent hours

tramping through every store in New York city.

Mom, think of the look on Dad's face

when he gets the perfect gift.

May I help you?

Where are your tennis balls?

We don't carry tennis balls.

Schmiddhauer's is a specialty store.

We're buying gifts for my husband.

Would you like to see some of our popular christmas items?

This is for father's day.

Avoiding the rush?

I think we'll just browse.

Excuse me.

How much is this?

$299.50.

For a tool kit?

It's the complete home tool kit.

I saw this on tv for $19.95.

The tools are $19.95.

The schmiddhauer name is $280.

I'll just take the tools.

They're not sold separately.

Theo, you're not getting him tools.

I might.

If you do, he'll start fixing things.

He likes fixing things.

He also likes you to help.

Theo, in this box are your weekends.

( knocking ) Come in.

Dr. Huxtable?

Oh, mrs. Lee.

I brought my husband in So you can talk.

Ben, this is dr. Huxtable.

Dr. Huxtable, my husband, Ben.

Ben, hello.

Nice meeting you.

Good.

I'll wait outside

so you can get to know each other.

Make yourself at home.

Thank you.

Would you like coffee?

Sure-- cream, no sugar.

Your wife is healthy.

You must be a proud man.

Yeah. We've waited for this baby a long time.

You must be tickled.

You got kids?

Yeah, five.

All right!

Keep them Barefoot and pregnant.

"Barefoot and pregnant"?

I'm an old-fashioned guy.

I thought they died out long ago.

I've done a lot of things--

four years in the marines, two years on the pipeline...

but there's nothing like having a pregnant wife

to really prove your manhood.

"Prove your manhood"?

I told the wife I want to have lots of kids.

Every one of them will know I'm the boss.

Well, Mr. Lee...

the more kids you have

the more people will tell you

that you are not the boss.

Doc, I'm telling you-- I'm the boss.

The days of being the boss, the "Barefoot and pregnant"--

That's 30 years ago.

The old-fashioned man is out.

There's more to this relationship

than being the boss.

You're not the boss...

neither is she.

The boss will be that baby.

I've been married 20 years, Mr. Lee

and each day, my wife and I grow closer together--

mainly because we're afraid of the children.

Cliff!

Hey!

Cliff!

What's going on?

You're supposed to be at the hospital

making your rounds.

Oh, really?

You're not supposed to be home for ten minutes.

What kind of trick is this?

Go stand across the street.

I'll wave to you...

across the street?!

It's 18 degrees!

Honey, I'm sorry.

Take this. Be warm.

( knocking )

What is going on?

Cliff, the kids wanted to surprise you for father's day.

They did.

They went out today

and bought me presents?

They shopped all afternoon

from store to store.

I have great kids.

Yes, you do.

What did they get me?

Quick!

Okay.

Put this around your neck.

Get outside

and Wait till I call you.

Will Ralph Edwards be here?

Kids, come downstairs!

Is he home?

No, but he'll be here soon.

Okay, everybody get ready.

I forgot to sign the card!

I think I hear him.

Hi.

Surprise!

Happy Father's day!

Oh, you shouldn't have!

You made us.

Golly... This is really wonderful!

Open them! Open them!

Okay! Okay!

Ah, boy...

okay...

"to a great dad on father's day--

"Even though it isn't.

Love, Vanessa."

I hope you like it.

You know I will.

Think!

Think!

There's more!

Yeah.

It's the complete home weather station.

I have nothing like this.

Dad, you're always asking

"What's it like out there?"

this will tell you.

Uh-huh.

Thank you.

Happy father's day.

That's mine.

This is you?

Yeah.

All right.

"Dear daddy, it's not a tie..."

all right!

"...Love, Denise."

"It's not a tie."

All right!

Okay...

it's an electric ice cream scooper.

Oh... Yeah.

This part warms up

so you won't hurt your wrist

when you're scooping ice cream.

Thank you.

Do you like it?

I love it!

Here you go, dad.

All right, now.

Read the card.

Oh.

"gonna be a father? It will cost you a pretty note.

Rock-a-Bye, baby."

They didn't have father's day cards.

All right.

Slippers.

They're not just slippers, dad.

When you go outside in the morning

and get the paper when it's raining...

just do this.

Rubbers.

All right!

All right!

Rubber slippers!

Here, daddy.

And where's your card?

No card.

All right.

( humming fanfare )

Tennis balls!

I hope they're the right size.

Yes, I'm sure they're the right size.

I looked in your closet.

There was only one left.

You know, they're the right size!

Cliff?

Oh..!

now we're cooking.

"dear CLIFF: No gift could ever equal

"What you've given to all of us.

Love, Clair."

Oh, no...

it's an early edition of the debates

between Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas.

This is great.

Thank you.

You know...

these are the greatest christmas presents

I've ever gotten for father's day.

And the thing about it is

you all did it by thinking.

Thank you.

Happy father's day!

Captioning made possible by the U.S.