Original subtitles

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Rudy, come on!

You'll make us late.

Bye, Rudy. I'll miss you.

Should I go to the office with you?

You go to school. I'll go to the office.

You're sure you'll be okay?

I'll make it.

You know, I worry about you sometimes.

Bye, baby.

I'll see you later this afternoon.

Rudy!

Rudy!

Rudy, your lunch!

Rudy!

Somebody must have run outside naked.

( door rattling )

Clair, you forgot your briefcase!

I know people who forgot their briefcases

and Still lived normal lives.

Does this make sense?

A woman graduates from LAW school

So she can run two blocks to Chase a child

who says she doesn't like her sandwich.

What kind did you make?

Rudy made the sandwich.

She said tuna and peanut Butter sounded great

but it didn't look good between the bread.

I agree with her.

I love my work, and I'm doing great.

But then I come home and have to help people

Who put their clothes on backwards.

Or they want a car.

They don't know how to drive.

Or they want to watch Television

until their eyeballs pop out and roll under the Couch.

Then it's the kids.

No.

No?

I wanted to have kids.

That's important to us.

But I go to work

and sit at that desk for weeks preparing a brief

and Mr. Greenbrook senior comes in to tell me

"The case has been settled out of court."

I want to scream.

So it's work.

No.

No.

No!

No?

I love my work.

I just told you.

I'm sorry.

But then I come home again...

people are crying.

They need a button sewn on.

Somebody's drinking bubble bath.

Then it is the kids!

No.

It's the kids and work.

No.

Then it's me!

No.

Then what is it?

I don't have time to figure out what it is.

I'm late for work.

Oh! Then I can help.

Listen to me.

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Listen to me, okay?

Just listen to me.

Just take it easy.

Tonight, you and I go to dinner--

out to dinner, just the two of us.

I'd like that.

Good. Now here, here, here, here.

Think about this one here.

We'll go to the biltmore hotel

because I know the manager there.

I delivered his baby, and he owes me

because the baby does not look like him or his wife.

I'm serious.

Okay, dinner at the biltmore.

Wait, whoa!

Now listen. Hear me now.

We rent a limousine...

take us down to the biltmore for the dinner

and take a nice limo drive on the river

with the moon bouncing off the water.

You can see the lights of the buildings

and the boats.

The boats?

The boats, please.

Oh, that's beautiful!

All right?

Oh.

Yeah.

Thanks, cliff.

I'll see you later.

Oh! Wait a minute!

I got one more, and this is it.

We'll stay at the biltmore.

Spend the night?

Spend the night.

Without the children?

If we take the children, why are we going?

Tonight we are not taking the children

because tonight is you-are-not-a-mother night.

That's a wonderful idea.

All right. Good.

You like that?

I like that.

Okay. You're relaxed now?

I'm relaxed.

You feel better?

I feel better.

You're smoothed out?

I'm smoothed out.

You're late.

Oh!

You have been pregnant three months.

Yes.

The baby doesn't even have a face yet.

Mrs. Jennings

you say to me it speaks english

and Knows exactly where the hamburger place is.

Doctor, I don't want a hamburger.

Yes, you do.

No, I can't! I shouldn't!

It's okay.

It is?

As long as you have a sensible, balanced diet

have a hamburger.

It won't hurt you.

I have some chocolate marshmallow cookies

that are out of this world.

Would you like one?

No. I don't want to deprive the baby.

Thank you.

( buzz )

Just a second.

Hello?

Yes.

I just have to make some plans for tonight.

Hello, Mr. Brenner.

I want to treat my wife to a wonderful night in your hotel.

No, I'll pay for it myself.

I'm not coming unless I pay the bill.

I just want to be sure

everything is taken care of first-class, all right?

Thank you, sir.

And good night to you. Bye-Bye.

I'm going to have to get a second job.

That's a wonderful thing you're doing.

Thank you.

Have you been married long?

21 years.

How many kids?

Four at home and one in college.

Five children, 21 years.

What are you celebrating?

Survival.

I'm wearing this to the dance tonight.

Nice.

Is it a costume party?

Who asked you?

Fine. Look like that.

Okay, everybody, I want to see you...

Denise, go sit down.

My nails are wet.

Well, don't touch the Couch.

Hello there.

Where's Vanessa?

Upstairs.

Will you get her?

Okay.

Thank you.

Hey, let her go.

Turn the tv off.

I'll turn the sound down.

Turn off the tv.

Completely?

Later on, pull it out.

It comes back on.

Tv is wonderful.

Yes, daddy?

Oh. Where's Rudy?

Upstairs. I'll...

don't get her!

I'll deal with what I have here.

Come sit over here.

What's going on?

Your mother and I are going out.

Have fun.

No, no!

Please, please, thank you very much.

We will be out late.

How late?

Till tomorrow.

Have fun.

No, no! Listen. There's more!

Denise, you'll have to baby-sit.

That's not fair-- cancelling my plans without warning.

And look who you leave in charge-- the Dragon lady.

Clair: Cliff, I'm ready.

Here comes mom.

Everybody, line up.

This must be serious.

He's making us line up.

What do you think?

Doesn't mom look clean?

Say good-Bye to your mother.

Good-Bye.

Bye, mommy.

Mrs. Davis will spend the night with you.

I'll leave you the hotel's number.

Please, before you use it, think!

And then after you make your decision

if it's necessary, think again.

All right.

Can we send out for dinner, or do I have to make it?

Don't answer that.

Can I do my homework later?

Pay no attention to them.

What about my science project?

Do you want me to do it all by myself?

You are not a mother tonight.

Good-Bye, baby.

Take me with you.

I'll be good.

Pay no attention to this child.

There. Grab on to your sister.

I hereby declare that you-are-not-a-mother night

is now beginning, and let the fun start.

You're starting a little early, aren't you?

Who is she dancing with?

I thought they broke up.

She did?

He let her?

Bye.

Where are you going?

I'm history.

If you leave

I'm telling daddy you cut Pictures from his medical books

and sold them.

I've got stuff on you, too.

Like what?

You worried?

No.

Good.

Taste this.

I'm fine.

Come on, taste this.

Cliff, that's pigeon.

Well, listen, that is cow.

Now, taste this.

All I can think of

are the pigeons outside my office.

Those are the rejects.

This once had a head on it, long eyelashes

and said, "Moo."

Now, come on, just take a little bite.

Please.

How about it?

It's not bad.

Want another bite?

No.

You want another bite.

I do not.

You are dying for another bite.

I do not want another bite.

Okay.

May I have some of your steak?

You don't like yours?

This is pigeon.

I don't know why you went through all that.

If you want some steak, just ask for it.

Clair...

what are you doing, dear?

I just had the urge to cut Somebody's meat.

I know the feeling.

We're fortunate to have the children, cliff.

Otherwise, we'd never know the joy of leaving them at home.

Let's not go back.

You mean tomorrow?

I mean forever.

No, I'm serious.

Let them have the house

and we'll stay here

and maybe we'll call them When we get old.

Oh.

I had another urge.

You want to take somebody to the bathroom?

I haven't told anybody to shut up recently.

Tell me.

I don't want to.

Just say, "Shut up, cliff."

I'm not telling you that.

If it will make you feel better, let it out--

"Shut up!"

you are crazy.

I'm not kidding.

Which child could I be?

I know.

"Mother, this is my life. You're so old-fashioned."

Shut up!

Felt Good, didn't it?

I'll think of another one.

"Mom, Rudy's bothering me, and I haven't..."

shut up, shut up!

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

( ring )

( ring )

Dr. Huxtable's residence.

Yes. I see.

How far apart are they?

An hour?

It could be a lot of things, mrs. Collins.

I wouldn't diagnose it as labor pains.

Did you eat anything unusual?

No, this isn't the doctor. This is his son Theo.

He's gone for the evening.

Dr. Daily is covering for him. I'll give you the number.

I hear he's good.

No, but he came over once, and he looked pretty smart.

555-1631.

No, I'm not going into medicine. Dad won't let me.

Bye.

Cliff, would..?

cliff?

Cliff?

How far apart are they?

How could you do that?

Do what?

You were sleeping.

Correction-- napping.

Sleeping is under the covers

and you don't come out till morning.

Napping is on top of the covers, which is over now.

Your idea of a fun evening is taking a nap?

My idea of a fun evening is to put my pajamas on

get into bed

and wait six hours for you to come out of the bathroom.

That bathroom is very nice.

There's even a phone.

You can call all the other bathrooms in the hotel.

Is that what you did?

I didn't think you'd mind the wait

once you saw the finished product.

You're right.

Let's get it on.

Cliff, did you have to say that?

Say what?

"Let's get it on."

It sounded good to me.

That's not a very romantic line.

I didn't know this was a script.

I thought we were supposed to make it up.

Try something like

"You look beautiful this evening."

Sure.

Why not try that?

No.

But it's very romantic.

It's romantic if I say it

but it isn't romantic if you tell me to say it.

I was trying to help.

Well... but I don't need your help.

So what do I do?

Let me say what I want to say.

If I let you say it, you're going to say

"Let's get it on."

No, no, no, no.

"Let's get it on" is retired.

That's finished.

Okay?

Okay.

All right.

Do you like that?

Mm-hmm.

I made that up.

How does that feel?

That's pretty nice.

I made that up, too.

I'm making up more as I go along.

That's nice, too.

Now pay close attention.

W-o-O-O-w!

More! MORE!

No, no, no!

Wait! Wait!

You can't rush me!

You know something?

I love you very, very much.

It's a privilege

to wake up in the morning and see your face.

You are my life...

and I mean that.

Oh, cliff.

Let's get it on.

I am the one who's supposed to say that.

Yes, dear

but you said it too soon.

So it's timing, right?

Right.

Timing.

All right.

Oh...

( phone ringing )

Hello?

This better be necessary.

It's for you.

Hello.

Huxtable kids: Good night, mom!

And don't come home with Another baby!

You realize that once you step inside

It's all over.

I'm ready.

You're loose?

I'm loose.

Want to jog around?

Come on, cliff.

All right.

Mom, I'm glad you're home.

Oh, Rudy!

Watch it. It may be a trap.

( glass breaking )

VANESSA: That was my mug!

Theo: You shouldn't have left it there.

Vanessa: Clean it up!

THEO: It was your mug.

It's been like this all morning.

I'm calling mom.

You better not!

Mom, Theo broke...

I did not!

You did so!

Hold it!

Your mother and I

are coming back from a lovely night out.

We walk in, and what do we see?

The attack of the ant people.

Sit down.

Now...

I want all of you to just relax.

You're making your mother's face do like this.

If she continues to look like this

you're going to grow older, get married

and she'll show up at your wedding

looking like this.

Do you want your mother to look like this forever?

No. No. No.

Then go into the kitchen and clean it up together.

Me, too?

Watch and learn.

Clair, I'm sorry.

You probably want one more day, don't you?

No, last night was just enough.

You could use a weekend.

No, really.

Last night was perfect--

with the food, the wine, the passion.

You're the one who wants the whole weekend.

No.

I could have used a month.

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