Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Hello, good night, ahem... good morning Mrs...

Mrs. Earl-Duke Margherita Semenzara!

How did I know it was you? I didn't. I could swear it was you.

I recognized you by your noble voice.

You'd like to speak with your noble husband?

He's in Standing Commettee since last night in the "Great Council of the 10 Absentees".

I have precise orders not to put anyone through...

But if you really insist...

Oh, you're not insisting? You're...

...commanding me? OK.

In that case, hold on I'll put you through to the Council.

Just a moment.

Hello? Council of the Ten Absentees here.

I have a call for Earl Semenzara, from Mrs. Earl... Earl-Duke.

Please wait.

Please wait Mrs, while I put your husband through.

Hello! Here I am, my jealous dearie. Did you think I was out boning whores? He-he

Semenzara doesn't fool around. Semenzara works even at night...

to sustain you and the family.

He's not afraid of being checked upon.

Now forgive me but I must go. We've got a voting.

Bye, bye...

What did you say?

Nothing, he just sped up a bit because he had to go voting.

He said to rest easy.

Alright, goodnight... good day... ahem... bye, Mrs. Earl-Duke.

- Who goes there? - Fantozzi Ugo, accountant, ID 7829/bis. I was doing overtime.

You could have warned me!

Sorry if I startled you, Mr. Night-watchman.

Thank you, good day and goodnight. Goodbye, Mr Night-watchman.

Good morning, madam.

No, please! Your colleague upstairs shot me already!

Apologies. Maybe the next time. Good... good day!

- We're waiting for you. - We're waiting for you.

WE'RE WAITING FOR YOU

Let me through!

Please! They are awaiting me at home.

Coward! Leave the windscreen alone!

- Take this! - Miserable rascal!

Who do you think you are with that old wreck? You think you own the road?

How many times do I have to tell you that I must, I should...

go home because I just finished work...iiiiing?

ITAL-PETROL-CEMENT-THERMO-TEXIL- PHARMA-METAL-CHEMICALS

For you, accountant. It's very urgent!

Surveyor, are you ready? F-7.

Damn! Hit at the first go!

- You hit a cruiser. - Good!

- Today I would begin with 27. - Very well, and you?

The series from 5 to 8 for 100,000 Liras.

Let's proceed.

In order to choose the employee who would follow

the Almighty Sensational Director Sir Earl-Duke Pier Carlo Semenzara...

to gamble at Monte Carlo, a terrible draw was arranged in the canteen.

Even the Internal Committee was involved in this.

The ceremony organizer was accountant Filini, from the Accidents Department.

Attention!

- Let's proceed. - Yes, Your Excellency.

Miss Silvani!

Beg your pardon!

Mrs. Silvani-Calboni!

- Me? - Yes.

The person choosen to draw the name of the elect was Mrs. Calboni...

former Miss Silvani.

and former Fantozzi's unfortunate true love.

whom since her marriage he hadn't dared touching even in his dreams.

- Excuse me if I have my back to you. - I must blindfold you.

- Pardon. - Easy.

- Can you see? - No!

It was a truly monstrous occasion...

Three days in Monte Carlo to watch Semenzara gamble.

and if the escort was suspected of bringing good luck...

he would have been sorted for life!

Sweet Heart of Jesus, source of love and mercy...

Kyrie Eleison, Christi Eleision...

Virgin Mary of the Snow, Saint...

Silence!

Who's praying?

Thank you.

ID 7829/bis.

Fantozzi was mistakenly declared dead for over 4 hours!

- Congratulation accountant Fantozzi! - Well done "pumpkin"!

Three cheers for accountant Fantozzi!

Hip, hip, hip, hurray! Hip, hip, hip, hurray!

Congratulations!

Thank you! Thank you! Drinks are on me.

At least thank me.

For what?

It's all thanks to my lady, Silvani-Calboni.

Let's say that I've been your lucky charm, Fantozzi.

Let me repay you. A drink?

No, thank you. In return, do me a favour. Come, come.

Yes, where?

Lucky bastard! Makes me sick!

- He has been kissed by Fortune. - I hate him!

Here!

Do you want me to change it?

No, Fantozzi. Play Roulette...

...for me.

Yes but, is your husband OK with that? I mean, does he know?

We are a modern couple. Open-minded.

Bet it on number 27, Fantozzi.

Yes.

When you feel inspired.

27, just like my age.

To think that I would have played number 14 at the most, or even 4.

Goodbye Pina! Goodbye Mariangela!

Here's the trai... trai... train.

I must admit we are quite early.

The train for Montecarlo was scheduled at 11:37 PM.

Fantozzi showed up on the platfom at 4:12 PM.

7 hours earlier!

Mrs. Pina and Mariangela were there...

to witness his triumphant departure.

THERE HE IS! The Earl-Duke.

Good evening, Sir!

Make room! Clear the way for the Earl-Duke.

Clear the way for Earl-Duke Semenzara!

Sir Earl-Duke, allow me the honor to present you...

Who are those two jinxes? Who do you want present me?

Nobody! I want to present my humble apologies if I accidentally touched your elbow.

So you have no relation with those two things?

Absolutely not! Never seen them in my life!

- Don't look at them! - I won't!

- Touch balls for luck. - I will!

I hope they are not on our train.

No, I don't think so.

I think they are leaving. Yes, they are.

They are leaving.

That's it, they're gone.

- Thank goodness! - Indeed, indeed!

Excuse me, I get my...

They even had a purple suitcase, the colour of bad luck!

By the way, don't you have any luggage?

No! No, I don't.

Not even a small suitcase?

I had a nice big suitcase, full of stuff...

but I don't bring it to stations...

too many thieves around.

But I'm wearing everything: 5 shirts, 12 pairs of pants...

and 16 pairs of socks.

Very well. Here comes the train.

Please let me, Earl-Duke!

Halt! Just a moment!

- What is this about? - He's mine, keep your hands off!

The Earl-Duke is mine!

I'll take the seats!

Taken, taken, taken, taken, taken, taken!

It's all taken! The whole car!

Young man, have you ever been on a sleeping car before?

No, sorry... I admit it.

I have reserved room 18.

18?!

Sir Earl...

Come, Earl-Duke. Room 18.

Come, come! At your disposal.

A little shine here.

What the heck are you doing?

Here I think we have...

... the bidét.

What?

What is this then?

- Did you hurt yourself? - It's nothing, nothing...

I only lost the use of the first two phalanxes

of the pinky and the ring-finger. Excuse me while I retrieve my hand.

And here is your glass for drinking.

- Bah! - No, what is it?

No, of course! This is your noble chamber pot.

May I undress you, Sir Earl-Duke?

No, no, no! Go to your room.

But I don't have a room. In order to avoid economical burden to the Company...

I dared booking in 2nd Class since 3rd Class has been abolished.

If regulation allows it, I could sleep...

crouched here.

It's not allowed, it's not allowed!

Well, then if you allow me I'll retire to my car.

Go to 2nd Class, I'm sure you'll find it very comfortable.

Goodnight.

Tickets please. Tickets.

I hope you slept well, young man.

I spent a sleepless night on that bloody train.

- I was right on the wheels. - I slept very well.

- Good evening! - Hi there!

The Earl-Duke, like any other gambler...

was a victim of superstition and odd rituals.

Ah-Weh-Wee, good luck come to me.

Wee-Weh-Weir, good luck cometh here.

Ah-Weh-Wim, good luck is not with him.

Sorry.

Chips!

Wait, I wasn't placing a bet.

Here, Duke! Sir Earl-Duke.

Sit down!

Excuse me, Sir Earl-Duke, but there is no chair.

- Sit down anyway! - Alright then.

Here, done.

And touch my buttocks!

Excuse me... but how?

Put your hand under it. Come on!

Nine!

What happened?

My foot was under yours, Sir Earl-Duke.

Put your foot back under mine. Don't interrupt the flow.

Everything must remain the same.

- And keep touching my buttocks. - Touching the...

...buttocks, yes.

Un millón.

Eight!

A horrible but short-lasting suffering...

because within two rounds, Semenzara lost everything...

and went under for 48 lbs of chips.

And you... stop touching my ARSE!

Around 3 AM, the Earl-Duke got damn lucky...

banking big time.

What are you doing there?

Me? I dared drinking a sip of mineral water.

Good, good! Keep on drinking!

Valet, bring 25 more bottles of mineral water...

...of that brand.

It was the infamous Bertier water.

The most fizzy on Earth.

Nine!

Keep drinking! Keep drinking!

Sorry.

- What's your rank in the Company? - Me? 12th level, the lowest.

You're promoted to 11th level.

11th? Entitled to personal desk and imitation suede armchair!

Yes, of course. But keep drinking!

In the next 2 hours Fantozzi drank 4 crates of Bertier water...

The equivalent of 4 cubic yards of compressed air.

Therefore he had to anchor himself like a weather balloon.

No, no. Give me the chair.

- Give me the chair! - Stay calm.

It may fall and hurt somebody.

The chair belongs to the Casino. You may go.

On the other hand, during those 2 hours...

he climbed nearly to the top of the Company's org chart...

even three steps at a time...

Employee of 7th level:

mahogany desk, imitation-suede armchair...

telephone and ficus tree, the symbol of Power!

Employee of 5th level: opaline desk lamp, glass top...

Yugoslavian naïve art on the wall, two ficus plants.

Employee of 1st level:

four ficus plants, three telephones, dictaphone...

six naïve paintings, rug over floor carpeting.

He was on the threshold of presidency...

meaning: private ficus greenhouse...

and human leather armchair...

when luck turned its back on Semenzara.

You ruined me, jinx!

Go away! Get lost...

...before I sack you! Nothing but a jinx!

Hey, hey, hey! Put down the ash tray!

It belongs to the Casino! Where are you going? Bring it back!

Pardon me!

"Bet it on number 27 when you feel inspired"

"27, just like my age".

"Daddy, will you bring me back a gift?".

Excuse me, I put it here! 20,000 Liras on number 27.

27, red and even (in French)

Here!

- Excuse me! - Whose money is this? (in French)

It's mine! (in French)

Yes, of course. Oui, it's Earl-Duke's money.

I would never dare playing sir, let alone win.

Excuse me, how much would the winning be?

- 700,000 Liras. - Ah, nice!

With that dirty money

Semenzara paid the Grand Hotel suite...

some extras, two whores and the return trip.

Fantozzi instead had to find other ways.

Poor Ugo, what happened to you?

You are all frozen.

You can't even speak.

I'll fix you up with old remedies...

like flax seed soups.

- Are you happy? - (No, no!) - Hold on, I'll be right back...

Here it is, just mildly warm!

I'll get you an even warmer one soon.

At that temperature, Fantozzi always had mystical raptures.

This time Archangel Gabriel appeared to him announcing the forthcoming pregnancy.

Hunting season opening!

This year, overwhelmed by the relentless Filini who was...

always frantically pushing for new tragic initiatives...

even Fantozzi decided to join in.

Filini's outfit:

Sherlock Holmes cap with Robin Hood-style feather...

his rich auntie's Argentinian poncho, tennis shoes with galoshes...

topographic maps...

and Calabrian bandit blunderbuss.

Fantozzi's:

white beach hat belonging to his daughter Mariangela...

Pitiful ordinary jacket, fastened on the hips...

by a massive machine gun cartridge belt, a WW2 surplus.

A sling, viper's poison antidote around his neck...

a bird cage containing a decoy canary and a retreiver stray cat...

which unfortunately had escaped during departure operations.

How wonderful!

This is Heaven on Earth!

Take deep breaths! What a pity though.

What is?

A pity you didn't bring your Barbary ape along.

- Barbary? - I meant Barbara, your baboon...

ahem... I mean, your baby.

- Ah, my daughter, Mariangela! - Yes, of course.

Imagine how much fun for her jumping between trees.

- Jumping between trees? - I meant, between meadows!

We're really away from everything, where are we?

We are exactly here, you see?

- Ahem, I can't see... - You see it? Here.

I can't see, the feather is perforating my cornea.

Look, here's that hill I told you about.

Practically no man has ever set foot on it.

A spot that NO-BO-DY knows!

620 hunters in 150 square feet!

My catch! Mine! I've seen it first.

Mine! Whatever it is, it's mine!

It was Sir Margheriti from the Council Housing Institute.

Former Pipit whistle-calling regional champion.

It's mine I said, leave it!

Six minutes later, Engineer Carletti...

also known as "Harelip" due to a congenital deformity of his upper lip...

realized that he was being insistently watched.

You're not human... you're a hyena!

A hyena? Yeah, a hyena indeed...

and a beautiful specimen too!

Let's not get confused. We'll split up in two groups.

Let's see... married men upstream and bachelors downstream.

Yeah Let's go!

Any photographers around?

Keep your hands off!

Excuse me but the rifle is mine, you have your sling!

Don't you have your sling?

Excuse me but we're the only ones who haven't shot once yet.

What seems to be the problem?

What's the problem?

Good morning, sir.

I haven't... He hasn't... We haven't shot anything yet.

Let me see...

- Are you expert at this? - A little.

- Can you see what's wrong with it? - Well, obviously! It's completely unloaded!

Excuse me accountant, have you brushed against the trigger by any chance?

I don't recall...

Do you mind if I leave this here and I take yours?

Well then, have a nice day and happy hunting!

See you. Take care!

The wealthy ones made use of armoured vehicles and tanks along with orderlies.

Great shot, Marquis!

A megalomaniac even hired a bomber aircraft!

For a perfect sling shot: take the aim...

placing your target at the center of the fork...

stretch the extensor up to ear level...

and then LET G-!

The have-nots fought back with the not-less-effective guerrilla tactics.

Help! Help me, please!

I bagged a nice gun myself. See?

How marvellous!

No more sling now. I can shoot too!

Accountant, are you feeling alright?

Absolutely... It's only... a little...

I need a urologist, quick!

Look, in exchange for two left earlobes I may offer you the right index finger...

- from a lawyer. - Nail included?

- Yes, it's complete. Look how nice it is. - Morning...

- Excuse me, have you got a light? - Morning sir.

Morning, how are you doing?

So and so, I have like a heartburn.

- Must be stress-related. - Must be.

Sometimes the stress...

By the way, accountant, where is your gun?

My gun? I always keep it h---!

Come on, come on! Be a man!

Come on accountant, throw one too!

The bomb is in his sleeve! Bomb in the sleeve! Run!

Let's go!

Accountant, have you found it?

How do you feel?

- Great. - Good!

Hostilities ceased at dusk.

Everyone returned home with their quarries and trophies...

just in time to watch the football results.

Next sunday we'll kick their arses.

We can't. We have that company trip to Genova for the launch of their new boat.

- You can't miss it! - But I have a commitment with my brother-in-law...

I already enlisted you. Speaking of which... you owe me 5,000 Liras.

The godmother of the christening was Countess Serbelloni Mazzanti Viendalmare...

great shareholder of the Company.

Hurray! Hurray!

- Hurray! - Hurray!

Here Countess. It's your moment.

From 35 yards she goes, Serbelloni Mazzanti Viendalmare!

Master of Ceremonies, may I launch?

Launch, Countess, launch!

- Here Countess. - Another bottle?

Yes, please!

From 50 yards she goes again, Serbelloni Mazzanti Viendalmare!

Master of Ceremonies, may I retry?

Retry, Countess! But more to the center.

Fantozzi this time awaited the end of the ceremony in the water.

Master of Ceremonies, may I re-retry?

Re-retry, Countess! But a bit more to the right!

He was followed in the water by:

Mayor with tricolor sash...

Merchant Navy Minister...

102 years-old Baroness Filiguelli de Bonchamp, the Company's mascot.

All other authorities were covertly launched later.

When all the Champagne had run out, it was decided that the ritual would be changed:

A metal wire would be cut, automatically starting the launch.

From 83 yards she goes once again, Serbelloni Mazzanti Viendalmare!

Go Countess, go!

I cut... in the name of God!

Archbishop's pinky with pastoral ring!

Damn that whore of the Virgin M...

The ship was launched in late afternoon when the Cardinal's murderous frenzy had eased.

At night, the celebration continued with a great party at the...

Serbelloni Mazzanti Viendalmare's mansion.

Aside from the usual Princes and other Mighties...

the invitation was extended to all the employees...

even to the most humble ones, in light of the upcoming Union contracts.

It's a Brandebourg Dane. Look, Archduchess.

It scares me a bit though.

Fantozzi and Filini showed up with two terrible rented tailcoats.

Filini looked like an amputee. Fantozzi was basically in Bermuda shorts!

What's there? A calf?

No, no, no! It's a horse!

- It would be a... pooch. - A pooch?

A little on the big side maybe. A 2-tons pooch.

- It's staring at us. It looks very humane though. - Really?

You see? It's purring.

Excuse me.

Excuse me Doc, we have valid invitations.

If you would gently move the paw, we may join the party.

Where are Filini and Fantozzi? I haven't seen them.

Maybe they weren't invited.

Impossible! Everyone has been invited!

Even the delivery boys! Even the pen-pushers, everyone!

- Very well, very well. - Why, is anyone missing?

Only two boors, Mrs. Countess. They think it's chic to be late.

- Don't worry about them Mrs. Countess. - Oh, I do worry very much...

I'm worried sick about two dear employees that are still missing.

- Help! - Help, please!

- Help! - Countess, help!

Watch it, be careful!

It was humane, you said!

It was purring, you said!

I admit I was wrong.

Stay, Fido!

Try with Foofy!

Stay, Foofy!

Try with Boby!

Stay, Boby!

Friedman!

-Friedman is not a dog's name! -What the hell could it be then?

His name was "Ivan the Terrible XXXII"

Discendant of "Ivan the Terrible I"...

that belonged to Tsar Nicholas.

Legendary paesant-hunting champion...

executed as enemy of the people in the Red Square during the October Revolution.

Here we come! We are here to help. Slowly, careful now...

- Don't fret, dear. - Here we are!

- No, I'll take the ladder. - Don't overstrain yourself, please.

I'm sorry, employee!

So sorry, employee! Did I hurt you?

It's nothing! Only a compound fracture of the skull.

To apologize for for the unfortunate accident...

the Counts Serbelloni, with a clever move...

invited Fantozzi and Filini to the table of honor.

- Take it there. - Employee!

- It's Fantozzi. - Employee!

Let me introduce you to some of our friends:

Excellency, His Eminence De Vetanza.

- Dona Miniaz De Coral. - Sorry...

my hands are a little sweaty.

Air Force General Ernesto Maria Lampioni.

The young Marquise Giava delle Corte.

You know the rules, Fantozzi!

You know how to behave in high society, right?

What to do, what not to do.

- Yes, yes! - We'll see, we'll see!

What do you mean "we'll see"? It's just that I had sweaty hands. Sorry.

- Your shoes. - Thanks, it must be delicious...

The cocker took them before. The pooch, you know?

Employee! Do you know our German Ambassador...

Count Otto Von Uber Steiber?

Heil, Hitler! Sorry!

You may call me just Otto.

Please, at least Nine!

- Ten! - Eleven! - Twelve!

Fantozzi got the better of it.

Thirty "cum laude"! There!

How tasty! Delicious!

The glasses! A row of 5 on the right. 5 more on the left.

Which one to drink from?

Aren't you thirsty, employee?

I'm slightly short on saliva.

Then drink!

What are you doing?

I'm reading... I'm reading my palm...

See? The line of fate is a little...

What day is today?

- Sunday! - Sunday! - You said it at the same time!

Jinx! Let's link the pinkies!

The middle fingers then... the ring fingers perhaps?

THRUSH! The most difficult thing in nature!

Cheers!

- Have you finished it already? - Indeed! I devoured it.

How am I doing?

Bad, goddammit!

At last, a drastic decision: Thrush... whole!

(How tasty!)

Fantozzi's colours: red. Pompeian red. Lobster-orange.

Violet. Funeral ornament-violet. Gloomy blue!

At gloomy blue Fantozzi fell in a comatose state.

Baked rice with tomatoe garnish.

The tomatoes have this tragic peculiarity:

Cold on the outside. 18,000°F fireball on the inside!

This... I wolf it down!

You won't spit it here, will you?

No, no.

You won't spit it here, will you? You wouldn't dare, would you Fantozzi? Go out!

Fantozzi! Maybe he knows...

what's the name of that dumb-faced delivery boy?

Uh, a little tomato.

- Fantozzi? - Yes?

Open your mouth and close your eyes!

- Fantozzi! - Fantozzi!

He had fallen right in Ivan The Terrible's clutches...

who, after dragging him in a corner of the garden...

began to dig a pit of unsettling proportions: 4 feet by 6!

Pass, will you?

They weren't the beams of an overtaking car.

The beast besieged him for a week...

which was obviously counted as spent holidays.

Ugo? Is it warm enough?

An injustice that Fantozzi could not bear...

so much so that for the very first time...

he pretended to be ill and used the sick leave.

The doctor!

Wait, don't open! Don't open!

It's not the doctor. It was Mr. Bonetti, our neighbour.

What happened to the Virgin Mary?

Our neighbour Bonetti? What the hell did Bonetti want...

...to give me a heart attack?

No. He had to leave unexpectedly with all his family.

Who gives a damn if he had to leave with all his family?

He had three free tickets for the American Circus.

Since he had to leave, he kindly gave them to us.

Free tickets!

He couldn't sleep all night.

The risk was insane.

If caught outside, the punishment was public flogging in the canteen, at the very least.

But it was the first time in his life that Fantozzi had free tickets.

- What is it? What's up? - I decided.

- We're going. - Where?

To the circus.

- Cautiously... - Oh, Lord!

but we will go.

- Ugo, is that you? - Yes.

- It's daddy! - Daddy!

Put your scarf back on.

Come on, let's go!

The t-, the t-, the tickets! Oh my goodness!

Here they are! Luckly.

Come, Mariangela.

And now ladies and gentlemen, our wise chimpanzees!

Don't pull, honey.

Daddy! I'm over here!

Good morning, madam. See, the dress is identical...

so there was a misunderstanding. Bye and have a nice day.

"Come on, darling".

Come, Cheeta... ahem, Mariangela.

Did you see Pina, how cute that monkey was?

You know Mariangela, monkeys are really superior animals.

Excuse me... by any chance, is it you the one who was supposed to be sick?

Me? You are mistaken.

And now comes...

the great Hungarian performer.

- Take this krapfen! - What are you doing here?

Take this!

Go get him immediately!

Go get him!

Look at this clown!

How about this?

And now ladies and gentlemen, our "Wild Horse".

The great performer says goodb-argh!

I'm accountant Ugo Fantozzi, ID 7829/bis...

Please understand my situation! Hold me tight! My hands are swea-ahhh!

- Ugo! - Daddy!

So it is you! Accountant Ugo Fantozzi!

No, no! No! I insist! No!

It's not me.

And now ladies and gentlemen, The most sensational part of the show...

Mr. Super Flight. The human projectile.

Halt! Quiet everyone!

Accountant Fantozzi!

Come out!

I know full well you're in there! Come out, I said!

Is that so?

I'll take care of it!

He was found several days later in surroundings of Agrigento...

by Archangel Saint Michael.

The divine messenger reminded him that he was nine months pregnant...

and recommended him to go immediately to the delivery room.

Excuse me Doc, didn't we agree for Bethlehem?

Well, if you say so... Alright then, nevermind.

MATERNITY WARD

BATTLESHIP KOTIOMKIN

Many years ago, Fantozzi was hired in the Almighty Company...

with the role of "stamping sponge".

He succeded in the aptitude test...

–thanks to a tip-off from a corrupted usher–

by answering two weird questions from the President of the Board.

Do you like German expressionist cinema?

It's the greatest love of my life!

I would like to remind the great masters: Murnau...

and Robert Wiene...

whom nobody could do without his masterpiece "Das cabinett...

der Doktor Caligarisss".

CA-LI-GA-RI!

And who is David "Yourrrgryfth"?

I didn't...

- "Grifth"! - I didn't hear.

- "Grfth"! - Griffith! The father of American cinema!

I adore him, he's like a father to me.

Very good, young man! You are hired!

The powerful Professor Guidobaldo Maria Riccardelli...

was a fanatic enthusiast of Art Cinema.

Once a week he forced his employees and their families...

to endure the Classics of cinema.

In 20 years Fantozzi was made to watch over and over again:

"Dies Irae" by Carl Theodor Dreyer, 6 hours!

"Man of Aran" by Flaherty, 9 parts!

But above all, the most classic of the classics...

..."Battleship Kotiomkin"! 18 reels...

of which Professor Riccardelli, owned a rare private copy.

Excuse me! What's on tonight?

- "Battleship Kotiomkin"! - (...Again!)

- Go! Go! - Very well.

- "Battleship... Kotiomkin"! - Ughino, cheer up.

Excuse me, let me pass!

- Ugo, wake up! - Gotcha "Fantocci"! You are sleeping!

No, Professor. It's a fainting fit!

No, madam! He's sleeping like a turd!

- Get up! - Is it 7:00 already? The alarm...

- coffee, newspaper, the mail! - Ugo!

Good morning, Professor. Is it over yet?

- Nope, you would like that, wouldn't you, turd? - No, no, no.

Still three parts to watch.

Still three parts! Very good!

And you'll watch them on your knees!

On the knees is even better...

- ...as you wish. - Not here. Come, follow me!

He's a turd. That's the best way to describe him... a TURD!

Here! On the chickpeas!

Let's see if you fall asleep now.

For 20 years Fantozzi had been publically humiliated...

during and after the viewings...

when Riccardelli opened the debate on the film.

And now, as usual, I invite you to share your opinion.

It's a great film!

- Permission to speak! - Please.

- It's a masterpiece! - The mother's eye!

- ... the pram with the baby! - You, Filini?

I go into raptures when I see the soldiers' boots!

Yes?

Tonight the "analogic" editing blew me away!

And... and... the soldiers' boots, but above all the pram with the baby!

Yes, of course. Yes?

The pram with the poor baby falling down the stairs.

Professor, couldn't we watch it again?

I wish we could, my friend... but the time.

And you, "Fantocci"! Do you only open your mouth to yawn?

Have you got nothing to say?

What do you have to say?

My husband, accountant Fantozzi, is speechless.

No Mrs. "Fantocci", your husband is a turd!

Is he or is he not?

Yes.

On Saturday the 18th at 20:25, live from Wembley...

the match England Vs. Italy, qualifying for the World Cup.

Fantozzi had a formidable plan:

thick socks, pants, flannel gown, tea-table at the TV...

large onion omelette, which he loved...

six-pack of cold beers, wild supporting shouting...

and free burping!

"We are about to go live from Wembley, broadcasting in Eurovision"...

"the running commentary of the match"...

"Italy Vs. England, qualifying for the World Cup".

Ugo, look at her, doesn't she look like an angel?

Yeah, yeah, sure! Leave me alone now, I don't want to hear a pin drop.

Pina, the pepper! The pepper!

Pina, also don't forget to disconnect the teleph--!

"In a few moments we will hook up to Wembley, to broadcast in Eurovision the match"...

"Italy Vs. England, World Cup qualifier".

Hello?

Oh, it's you accountant Filini!

A-ha! Filini! I'm already in line.

I'll bet against the treacherous Albion. 10 coffees to 1. Italy! Italy!

Did you hear?

What?

OK, accountant. We shall obey.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Wembley... "

Italy! Italy!

"...the teams are lining up for the national anthems".

Ugo! I don't think you can watch the match tonight.

Why?

- We have to go out. - Who?

Professor Riccardelli.

No!

Accountant Filini told me we have to go to watch... a Czechoslovak film.

Noooooooo!

It's subtitled in German though!

- No! - Ugo! - Daddy!

Ughino, don't act like this.

"We are now at the epic moment. Italy and England will compete, in this historical match...

"for the qualification to the World Cup finals".

"They check the stop-watches. The referee blows the whistle"...

It's the kick-off.

Sorry.

"Kick-off. Capello, Pulici, Antognoni. Antognoni sprints to the left, dodges the English defender. And again!

- "And again. Back-heeled to Rocca". - Ugo, we're going to be late.

"Rocca shoots. The English goalie saves it".

"Throw in for Italy. Benetti controls and passes the ball to Pulici on the left".

"Formidable sprint of Pulici, he blasts the ball but grazes the post!"

"Now Bellugi on the ball. Bellugi to defender Capello".

"He dodges McKinley who tries to bite him".

"He kicks it and hits the English defender in the neck, Capello's shin, neck again".

"Terrible scrum! Nose, neck, shin, neck, ear"...

"Pulici intercepts the ball and saves it!"

"Forgive my emotion, all of you sitting comfortably at the TV none excluded..."

"but I hadn't seen such a start in 170 years!"

"Tardelli holds now the ball and sprints. He eludes McKinley..."

"To Savoldi now. Savoldi shoots and hits McKinley's neck, Savoldi's shin, Antognoni's nose".

"Neck of the English goalie, McKinley's nose, Benetti's shin, neck, nose again."

- Direct the aerial! - I am!

- Ughino, calm down for Heaven's sake. - I couldn't hear.

"Wonderful kick... but hits the goal post!" - Goal post! Goal post!

- Ugo, where are you going? - Will you return daddy?

"The Azzurri go again. They approach the penalty area".

"The Azzurri attack. Antognoni hops and almost climbs over McKinley".

Excuse me! Who hit the goal post?

"McKinley hits it!"

"The English goalie falls dreadfully on his back".

"The 120,000 spectators at Wembley and you, millions of lucky ones"...

"whom nothing in the world could tear away from the TVs"...

"can easily recognize that Italy tonight overshadows the memory"...

"of the legendary extra time of Italy Vs Germany, in Mexico".

Nothing?

The tie.

Breast pocket. Perfect!

Very good! Thank you.

The mouth?

9 inches pregnant? Congratulations!

See? How embarassing!

Much to my regret, due to a little inconvenience...

the print of the Czech film didn't arrive in time.

Therefore the screening cannot take place.

BEAT IT!

Where are you going? Everybody freeze!

Instead, we will project the immortal masterpiece of the great Serghei M. Einstein...

"Battleship Kotiomkin".

I notice a certain vibe tonight. They take interest and exchange comments.

Yes, yes. They are involved, Professor.

They weren't exchanging comments. In the darkness of the hall...

unascertained and unlikely rumors were spreading.

It was said that Italy was winning 20 to 0...

and that even the goalkeeper Zoff had scored a head goal on corner kick.

(Twenty-one!)

Well, let's open our usual debate.

Who wants to start?

You, Filini? Calboni?

Excuse me! May I say something?

Ah, our dear turd!

Come here, come here "Fantocci"! Make yourself comfortable.

You found the words at last.

I wonder what deep aesthetic opinion you must have developed throughout all these years.

Please, say.

Well?

In my opinion, "Battleship Kotiomkin"...

...is an UNBELIEVABLE LOAD OF CRAP!

HURRAY!

Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

92 minutes-long ovation!

You got that? TURD!

Burn! Burn! That's your soldiers' boots!

First of all they destroyed...

the damned private copy of the damned "Battleship Kotiomkin". First of all they destroyed...

the damned private copy of the damned "Battleship Kotiomkin".

On the chickpeas! On the chickpeas!

- Watch! - Look at your "mother's eye"...

and the pram with the baby!

That's your "analogic" editing!

Halt! Enough!

Now the projections!

For two days and two nights nonstop, Guidobaldo Maria Riccardelli...

was forced to watch over and over again:

"Giovannona Long-Thigh", "The Exorcist: Italian Style" and "The Police Gets Pissed".

- Some coffee? - Would you like some coffee?

Stay up, turd!

- Some coffee Ugo? - No, no.

What a hero Fantozzi!

Until at the beginning of the 3rd day the police got pissed for real.

You have nowhere to run! You are surrounded.

Surrender!

- Never! - Never!

Fantozzi! It's the Director of Directors speaking.

I suggest you to free the hostage at once and give the order...

of unconditional surrender!

You won't have us! Understood? Never!

Ok... maybe you will.

Enough!

To make up with Professor Riccardelli...

for the irreparable loss of his precious film...

the mutineers were condamned to a horrible punishment...

in the style of Dante's infernal circles.

They had to reenact the main scene from the lost masterpiece...

every saturday afternoon until retirement.

We may begin.

Die, Filini!

- Damn you! - We will get our revenge!

The boy falls down!

Now the mother's eye.

Soldiers, open fire!

Murderers!

Go with the pram!

- Please, push gently. - Yes, accountant.

This is the fourth time today.

Oh, God! Oh, mama! Oh, God!

Very good, "Fantocci"!

And you're so perfect, chubby like a toddler.

Have no worries, no one will ever replace you.

You have what they call "fisique du rol".

Now we do it again.

- Again? - Yes indeed, again.

- We do it again? - Yes, again.

Very well. Did you see the analogic editing?

Almost better than the original.

Let's do it again. Everyone in position!

- Ugo! - Bye, daddy!

One sad morning, the wife Pina and Mariangela departed...

to attend the obsequies of a distant second cousin from Pescara.

They left Fantozzi alone with his grief.

For the first time, after a lifetime of conjugal slavery,...

he was free! With the house all to himself!

Calboni took the situation in his hands...

and dragged him into the most despicable of cheating schemes.

I bet you need to tell me something...

something unpleasant and you can't pluck up the courage to tell me, is that right?

- No... - Yes! - No... yes.

Could it be that sir Cominetti Massela...

wants the budget report by tomorrow morning...

and that me, you and accountant Filini...

need to work all night perhaps at your house, yes?

- Yes? Yes! - Yes.

Just tonight that I was going out...

for dinner with my wife.

No worries dear, if you want...

I can come too, to keep company.

Of course!

- No! - Eh... no? No.

Alright.

- I was gonna sit... - No, it's taken.

- Here then? - No, that's taken too.

- All taken then? - Come on, go in the back, there's so much space.

With your leave, Mrs... Enjoy your lunch.

See you, Fantozzi.

Vivi, what do you say then? You can't? Ok.

The rendevouz had been set for 9:30 PM at the telephone booth...

in Garibaldi Avenue.

Once there, Calboni made 126 calls...

to such many unknown citizens...

pretending to speak with starlets and models.

Hello, Zizi. You recognized me?

Yes, yes. I've got two friends with me.

Middle-aged.

One of them is short and fat. The other is slim but short-sighted.

Thick glasses. Owl-like, you know?

What? Ah, I understand.

OK, bye Zizi.

This one is busy too?

Not at all, they would have all come...

but they all find an excuse after I describe you.

Well, obviously! You describe us like that...

"Owl-like" you say!

I can't damage my reputation.

I can't swindle people.

Excuse me Calboni, can't you just describe us less sensationally...

- ... to the next one? - There's no next one, Zizi was the last one.

- Careful now, an accident could happen.

Hey!

My girls are finished. What about yours?

- No, no, no, wait a moment.

- We agreed that accountant Fantozzi shares... - Oh my God!

- What's up with you "pumpkin"? - I lost...! I lost...!

My God! I lost my money!

My savings.

So we said: accountant Fantozzi shares his house,

I brought the liquor, the rest is up to you.

OK, OK! Let's see a moment.

What an idiot! Why didn't I think of it before?

- Who? - The Hippo!

Is that a girl who's a little too...

No, it's a club!

A club attended by many lonely women seeking for some companionship.

Let's go! Taxi!

- Which ones are the first three? - Why taking three taxis?

One each, of course. You only live once, right?

Taxi!

Hi, doll.

My apologies, doll... ahem, madam.

- Is it busy tonight? - You're the first customers.

She meant that they were the first customers in three months!

- Someone's coming. - Come on girls, get up!

These are all women from the upper middle-class aristocracy.

There are even some big names.

No, I don't know them.

Incognito is the rule here though.

No names, only telephone numbers. People choose and phone each other...

An aperitif, gentlemen?

Would you like to drink something?

Oh, yes!

We brought a bottle of "Prunella Ballor".

What's wrong with you? We're bringing home-food now?

We will have three "Scotch-s", thank you.

What are we having, Calboni?

Three "Scot-ch-s".

In the meanwhile, I'll go for it.

"Scot-ch".

Yes?

Miss 10, would you meet me, let's say...

on the dance floor in... let's say, 5 seconds?

- OK. - See you soon.

See? Come on, give it a try.

Thank you, Countess. Thank you, dear. You're looking beautiful.

Come on, choose.

- Me? - Yes.

Filini, number 3 is looking at us.

So is number 12... and number 7...

even number 1!

- and number 5 too! - and number 5 too!

Accountant... they are all looking at us.

Accountant, say a number.

- Me? - Yes.

Ahem... 180!

Don't exaggerate, they are only 12.

Well, I like number 5.

Goodness! I also liked number 5.

- I'll leave her to you. - No, no, no, she's yours!

No, please! Dial.

- Don't sweat. - My palms are a bit sweaty.

Here. I'll dial it for you.

- Hello? - Hello? Who's speaking?

- It's Olga, darling. - This is not Cometti's residence?

Sorry, wrong number.

- Wrong number, right. - It's your turn now.

I'll give it a go.

You called me, darling?

- Hello. Did you call the lady? - To be honest I...

So why did you call? Do you mind if I sit?

- Must be a wire contact... - Do you mind if I bring a friend?

- Do you mind if I order Champagne? - Of course not! Waiter, take away this junk.

Away, away! Garçon, Champagne!

They did everything that could be done...

to get robbed in a night club.

Two crates of Dom Perignon made with baking soda.

Midnight flambé dinner.

Tragic souvenir photos of the night.

Calboni ordered 40 copies.

Plus three monstrous plush toys gifted to the ladies.

Gypsy violins on the dance floor.

If only I could have...

the opportunity...

to find...

a person who could understand me, I would be willing to do anything.

- How is it going with yours? - Mine is a bit too tall.

Good. I think it's time to bring them to your house.

Oh, yes?

Bravo! Bravo! Thank you, guys!

Goodnight! Let's go then.

- The bill, sir. - Sure.

Well, put it on my tab.

What tab?

Send the bill to me.

To which address?

You deal with this. We square up later.

- In the meanwhile I talk to the ladies. - You fix this then?

Excuse me.

649,000 Liras!

Plus 18% service charge!

Four years of sacrificed savings.

Furthermore, Calboni finally revealed the true identity of those "ladies".

I agreed on 50,000 Liras per girl. A bargain, right?

What? They want money?

Yes, why? How much have we got left?

With accountant Filini's 8,000 Liras we have...

- 52,000 Liras. - Gee, it's just enough for my girl.

Well, give it to me because mine wants to be paid in advance.

Sorry girls, they are stingy. A pair of scroungers.

Come. Let's go. Taxi!

How does one get a taxi around here? Taxi!

This time he called nine of them.

An average of two and a quarter each.

- Calboni? - You fix this...

- ...we square it later. - But how? They want to be paid.

How do I fix this? Calboni?

- I have no more m... - Hey, who's paying here?

Just a moment.

Filini?

Yes, accountant?

- You fix this. - Me?

- Yes, we'll square it... later. - How?

Accountant Fantozzi, don't leave me like this.

Filini spent the rest of the night in the Emergency Room...

of "Our Lady Immaculate" hospital.

Instead, Fantozzi spent the night on his own doorstep.

It's 7 already! Pina, hurry! Coffee, newspapers, the mail!

Good morning, Mrs. Silvani-Calboni...

- What brings you here? - Where is my husband?

Eh... ah... eh... ah...

I didn't understand the question.

Where is my husband, the swine?

- The swine? Surveyor Calboni? - Exactly.

Surveyor Calboni did a whole detour... and left.

- Is that so? - Yes.

Why were you laying here like a watchdog then?

Because each saturday it's my turn.

- In this building we draw names and... - Stop playing the fool, Fantozzi!

You know fine well that he's in there with a woman.

And you're helping him. You're a pander! You rent by the hour!

- By the hour? - Yes, by the hour!

"Fantocci" don't be a fool and open this door!

Ma'am, I don't have the keys.

Isn't this your apartment?

This one? No, it was... I mean... I...

He bolted the door.

- Swine! - You're a swine, Calboni!

You made her cry. Open up!

You made her cry. Swine!

- "Fantocci". - Fantozzi.

- "Fantocci". - "Fantocci".

"Fantocci", be a man and break through that door.

I will.

Wait, it did't come out good. I'll try again.

- What are you doing? - The door is brand new.

Break through the door properly! Start from up there...

- ...and give it a good push. - Yes.

Take a flying jump, come on! Come down like a battering-ram.

Banzai!

Ok, ok, I'm opening.

He fell right on the 5:26 bus. The number 77...

returned him home at 6:13...

after completing the whole Ring Road around the city.

Swine!

Oh, it's you accountant Fantozzi?

I thought it was that swine.

Besides, you sneak in like that. No warning or anything.

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, madam.

Why that face? I didn't kill you, did I?

It was so light.

Indeed, it was my wife's precious Murano blownglass vase.

Do not worry though, Luckily we have two...

Mrs. Silvani-Calboni.

Don't call me that! I don't want to hear that name!

I'm sorry, I won't call you that again.

It's the last one you know?

It's safer if I put it away.

Luckily, I saved it.

So can I return...

to call you Miss Silvani...

like in the good old days?

- You know what he did? - No.

You want to know? Not only he cheated on me...

but he ran away, the coward!

He left me alone with that beanpole.

You know what she did?

She broke an umbrella on my head.

It was my wife's umbrella. The only umbrella.

The straw that broke the camel's back.

You already broke everything. And here's me thinking...

that you were a happy couple.

It was the biggest mistake of my life.

A tragedy.

- A failure. - Madam!

Madam!

What are you doing?

I was kissing my... your hand.

Luckily I'm still young and good looking...

to start over again.

You're beautiful.

It's over! It's over! You know what I'll do now?

- No. - I'll sleep in a hotel tonight.

- Good! - And then you know what I'll do?

I'll quit work, get my severance. And I'll run off with whoever is at hand.

Why with whoev... ev... hand?

What did you say?

Why run off with whoever is at hand?

Madam...

I'm also tired of this life.

I can get severance too.

I'm young and good-looking enough too.

Madam, just say one word.

No wait, not even that...

because silence gives consent.

Madam, let me hug you!

This time it was the bus number 102 from the hills.

So Fantozzi had all the time to go through...

all possible solutions for his new life.

"Croupier" in Casablanca. Drummer in Harlem.

Hippie in Nepal. At last, he let her decide...

her mate.

- Let's go to Capri. - To do what?

I don't know. Like a honeymoon.

We'll see from there.

Accountant Fantozzi, what's the matter? Come on!

It was the last punch of his life.

Fantozzi did it with indifference... as usual.

In the same style, trying...

not to give away any emotion, he had his last meal with the family.

Well...

I'm going out...

to buy cigarettes.

Yes, Ugo.

No, it's OK.

- I'll be back soon. - Yes.

Cigarettes? Dad has never smoked.

He decided to try.

Let's hope he decides to quit soon.

Imagine that in 11 hours...

11 hours and 40 tops...

we'll be in Naples.

In my honeymoon it took us 1 hour and 20...

with a Mercedes spider 2800.

Calboni was what he was but he knew cars.

For your honeymoon with Calboni you went to...

Capri?

That's where people usually go for a honeymoon, isn't it?

I don't know, Venice?

Venice! So ordinary.

It doesn't matter. What matters...

is to make a clean break with the past.

No, what matters is to be on time to catch the last ferry.

Speed up, Fantozzi!

We're going to miss it.

Faster! Turn that wheel come on!

Accelerate!

Brake! Brake!

Brake!

Calboni was what he was...

but when I travelled with him weather was great.

As hot as Africa!

Well, excuse me madam...

but you went in July...

and today is the 20th of December.

I bet Calboni didn't even feel seasick.

Oh well, you can say anything about that swine...

but he's as seaworthy as a battleship.

Why? You won't vomit here, will you?

No, no, no! I'm...

I'm an aircraft c... An aircraft carrier!

An aircraft carrier!

Excuse me!

Oi! Man overboard! Man overboard!

To top Calboni...

Fantozzi chose the most expensive hotel in Capri.

Also because it was the only one open in winter.

- Your luggage, please. - Who's this?

- The luggage. - Get your hands off.

Son...! Son of a gun!

- Thief, hands off! - Please, leave your luggage to me.

Sorry. I'm very sorry.

You're so rough with the subordinates, Fantozzi.

I'll sit down a moment while you go to the reception.

At your order, madam.

Good morning, excuse me...

do you have two single rooms by chance?

We only have suites, sir.

How much are they?

- 60,000. - That's all?

Fantozzi thought 60,000 a month.

This is low season, sir.

The sea-view suite is 80,000, sir.

If you would like something better we have the Royal suite...

100,000.

- I'll take it! - Very well, sir.

It's mine! Don't give it to anyone else!

I'll give you the documents imediately.

This is the lady's passport...

ahem, the madam's passport.

And this is my bowls club card.

- I'll pay you now. - There's no rush sir, you can pay later.

Follow me.

- Here. - Thanks.

- You're welcome. - The key?

A suite like this for 100.000 sounds like something out of a fairytale.

It's even too much.

- This is the bedroom... - Not bad.

- ...with two bathrooms. - Yes, of course.

This is almost boorish.

What happened now?

- The key on my foot. - Good.

- What you mean "good"? - Do you prefer to have dinner downstairs...

or in your room?

Here! Here! With candles! A cosy dinner in the room.

No way! Neither here nor downstairs...

I couldn't eat a caper tonight.

My only dream is to get into this bed.

Into the bed? No capers!

I'm not hungry either. Get lost!

Madam.

Ugo Fantozzi, what's on your mind?

Calboni was what he was...

but on the first night he had the tactfulness...

...of sleeping in the other room. Won't you do the same?

No, ahem... yes.

- Then go sleep in the other room. - Yes.

- Go already! - Yes, yes.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

- What's the matter now? - My... my hand!

- What? - I left my hand...

in your room!

I can leave it to you...

- ...if you like. - No, no. Take it back...

and stop harassing me.

First day, morning. Tragic shopping with frantic search for the infamous...

Caprese fishermen clogs, which suited Calboni so well.

I love 'em!

They make you look thinner. Can you walk?

Yes, yes, madam. I can walk... so-so.

I can walk... I can almost...

HOLY SHIT!

How am I doing?

Good. Very good.

Fantozzi!

Why don't you go through the famous stacks?

Calboni used to do it all the time!

Is this thing yours?

Yes, yes. Carry him to the Royal suite.

What...? Where am I?

I'm on the double bed.

- Ma'am? - Yes?

- Where are you? - Here.

What are you doing?

Reddening my lips.

You cracked your lips?

No, Fantozzi. I meant painting my lips.

Madam...

Did I sleep on the... Good morning.

Did I sleep in the double bed?

- Yes, yes. - Sorry?

Yes, Fantozzi.

- And what did I do? - Everything.

- Sorry? - Everything, Fantozzi.

Madam...

I feel like angels are flying.

Always so poetic, Fantozzi.

Although, madam...

I can't remember anything at all.

It's for the best, Fantozzi.

Let's go, let's go. Calboni was what he was...

but at this time he was already swimming in the pool.

Let's go.

To the swimming pool then!

Madam, here's a nice swim in the teeth of Calboni.

Excuse me waiter, how's the water in the swimming pool?

What water?

Fantozzi! What are you doing?

Come in madam, don't be afraid, it's not deep.

In the evening Fantozzi attempted a desperate recovery.

I can hear the sea!

You're hearing it and I'll go in it.

I bet Calboni never attempted...

an Acapulco-style dive like this.

Isn't it a bit too high?

No worries, madam. I've got a boat there...

waiting for me. I'm going then.

Bless the Virgin Mary protector of divers.

I see you had a nice day, sir.

This is my stuff.

And those shoes?

Excuse me, whose shoes are those?

They're her husband's. He arrived an hour ago to spend the holidays with her...

and they are already partying.

They're already... partying.

You took so long to find me.

I couldn't wait any longer. Cheers, my love.

Cheers my arse. You swear that...

the cockroach never touched you!

Of course I swear it.

I only let him think that. He fell for it like an idiot.

I almost pity him.

"Swimming pool repairs, restoration of the main stack...

compensation...

compensation for destruction of furnishings...

four stretcher-bearer calls, one for recovery room...

pre-owned boat completely destroyed...

tourist tax and full board for Mr. and Mrs. Calboni until Epiphany day".

Is this all the cash?

Promissory notes!

2 lbs and 3/4 of them, to be paid within three months.

Fantozzi signed them with cold indifference...

because he had already planned to kill himself...

by jumping off from Tiberius's Leap.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!

He was later caught by a fishing boat from Torre Anunziata...

resold to "Findus" and then put on the market...

as frozen grouper.

Merry Christmas, madam. How may I help you?

- Merry Christmas. I would like... - That one?

Two nice slices?

No, no, no! I want it in one piece.

All of it, whole!

How much per pound?

Ugo...

everything will be fixed.

Even at the office.

If not, who cares.

What matters is that you love us.

Do you love us?

Do you love us, daddy?

Yeah, after all...

who cares!

Good heavens.

Ugo, are you alright?

Ugo, dear.

- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas!

Hello? Yes, that's me. Who's speaking?

Who?

Is this a prank?

It was not.

On the phone it was indeed the Mega President himself.

Dear Fantozzi, first of all, Merry Christmas.

I have here your re-instatement request and your file.

I apologise for disturbing the privacy of your home in this Holy night...

but I put up at my office because for me work...

is prayer.

I need to talk to you for a moment...

so sit down and listen...

So, dear Fantozzi, do you accept?

Yes!

Fantozzi! Here already?

- I accept everything! - But...

you didn't even hear what I'm offering.

I accept anyway.

I surrender unconditionally.

Come here then, dear Fantozzi...

What's the matter? Are you afraid?

But we love you so much.

That's why I'm afraid.

Come, come...

Let's kill the fattened CALF!

Me?

Not you, of course. You're the prodigal son.

The lost sheep that returns to the FOLD!

And we say: "welcome back"!

Thank you. So you're taking me back?

Of course.

Will I get my old job back?

No. Not exactly.

But we give you something more.

- Meaning? - Meaning...

that aside from our forgiveness...

we're also offering you the purifying joy of deserving it.

You will start from zero, Fantozzi. From the lowest rank.

We hire you back as...

...lightning rod.

Fantozzi!

I wish you a good day...

my dear accountant!

Please, don't be so sad!

Laugh! Laugh! Because work is joy!

Work is mirth!

Yes, that's the spirit!

And now, get to work!

Excellent! Good luck, Fantozzi!

Fantozzi Ugo, accountant. ID 1001/bis. From the accidents department.

Get over here. (Yes Director!) Go over there. MOVE IT!

Uhh, there's a new glass wall here!

Time to get up, eat and dress up... hope I can catch the bus.

If I'm too late, for punching my card... FANTOZZI!

Please, don't crucify me in the canteen. It's embarassing.

This is some public humiliation! It gets my fingers all tangled up!