Original subtitles

Zindy, my darling, I can't believe

we're finally going to meet in person.

It won't be long, Johnny cakes. My space bus gets in at 4:30.

Just in time for the all-you-can-stand buffet at Chizzler.

See you soon.

ALL: Ew!

ZOIDBERG, what is that?

That is the delightful creature I have been

video dating for the past four years.

Hit it with a stick!

Tonight is a dream come true,

a real, live date in a physical place that exists.

I just have to go straighten up in case we end up at my place.

There. My home's all clean except for one part, the inside.

Aww. I'm sure it's fine by the standards of a gross alien monster.

(SCREAMS)

Nope.

Step aside, people. I got bug bombs.

Bender, wait. Won't the bugs just run out and infest someplace else?

Like, our building?

Not my problem.

Fire in the hole! (CACKLING)

(SCREAMING)

(BABBLING INCOHERENTLY)

(SIGHS) (APPLAUSE)

Amazing.

You move like a young, roach-infested Gene Kelly.

Oh, my God. It's Randy!

Damn right!

And I'm organizing a tap-dance contest

for the Parks and Rec Department.

If you don't enter, I'll just kill myself, okay?

Okay. No. Wait.

Me? Lil' ol' Bender? In a dance contest?

It's a way for the community to...

At last, a chance to realize my brand-new dream

of being the greatest tap dancer in all the world.

Well, in a three-block radius.

Of all time!

(HUMMING)

Greetings, merchant!

I need something beautiful and cheap

for a lady who is one of those things.

The cheapest thing I have is a bouquet of daisies for $6.

Perfect! I'll take half a bouquet of daisies for $3.

(STRAINING)

These flower shears are so dull,

and I'm already in debt to every knife sharpener in town.

Allow me.

Oh! Thank you! That girlfriend of yours is one lucky lady.

I'm gonna snip her off her feet!

Zindy!

You're even more beautiful from a distance!

Johnny cakes!

(SNIFFS)

Good God! What's that horrible stench?

Stench... Uh...

It's probably this stinky bus station maybe.

Come. Let's go someplace well ventilated and grow old together.

(INHALES) Ah... Much better.

(SNIFFS)

(WRETCHES) It's even worse!

It's like Comic-Con in a submarine!

(SNIFFING)

Oh, my God! The smell's coming from you!

What? That? That's just my personal musk.

You'll learn to love it. I know I did.

I'm sorry, ZOIDBERG. I can't see you anymore.

Something's come up.

It's vomit!

I'd like to return these for a refund.

Don't worry. They're (SNIFFLES) unused.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I get so little business I can't afford refunds.

I don't know what's wrong with this location.

I understand. (SNIFFLING)

Please don't cry. I can't stand to see a living thing feel pain.

You are a living thing. Right?

Uh-huh.

Can I have a refund now?

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Ah!

This here's a bayonet.

It's some kind of kooky half gun, half knife.

Now empty out the register!

And no bag, please. I care about the environment.

I have $3 in moldy pennies. It's all yours.

That's generous of you.

Oh, no, you don't, Mr. Big Jerk!

I have nothing to live for, so I don't mind telling you,

those pennies are mine.

Don't you get it? I'm crazy!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Go ahead! I don't care what happens anymore.

Do it. Bash my head in.

(COUGHS) Wha...

What is that? Mustard gas?

That ain't legal. Ain't you heard of no Geneva Convention?

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS) That was amazing.

Oh, you were so brave and frugal.

I'm sorry. Don't hit me.

Ooh!

I like the way you hit!

But I don't get it.

Most women I've met can't even stand next to me without collapsing.

What's wrong with those women?

Well, some of them didn't have legs.

But it's not them. It's me.

How do I put this delicately?

I'm smellier than a whorehouse's outhouse!

That's terribly vivid.

Doesn't matter to me though, I was born with no sense of smell.

Really?

My name's Marianne.

Hello, you!

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I like your dumpster.

Thank you. The previous tenant was a very prominent raccoon.

I remember.

Too bad he got partially run over by that steamroller.

Can I kiss you?

First, let me pinch myself o make sure I'm not dreaming!

Ouch!

I forgot I was a giant crab!

Welcome, fans!

I'm Randy, coordinator of this Tap-Dance-A-palooza.

Whoo-hoo! Randy!

After weeks of searching,

I'm proud to introduce the five people willing to participate.

Tonya, Bender, Greg,

some kind of blob monster, and Petunia

The extra clicking you'll hear is gonna be my hip.

FYI, this little lady has a heart condition.

She's always stealing them!

Also, she has a serious heart condition.

I'm six years old, and tap dancing is my favoritest thing,

even if it's not good for my pacemaker.

ALL: Aww!

(GASPS)

(SOBBING)

(WHISTLES) That is one quality pacemaker.

The rest of you might as well give up now,

'cause I'm gonna take home the...

Hey, what's my grand prize gonna be?

Oh, there is no prize, Dorothy,

unless you count the satisfaction of winning.

It will be mine!

In conclusion,

bullying in the workplace is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

Out of my way, fatty! I'm practicing. Whoa!

(HUMMING) ALL: Ow!

Ta-dal

Friends, I'd like you to meet my new lady. Marianne.

Whoa! Hey!

What's the catch? She looks normal.

She's not a hologram.

Not a robo-slave.

We give up.

(GIGGLES) You guys are weird.

I have to go open my flower stand

before the falafel guy takes my spot,

but it was great to meet you.

See you later, crab cakes.

Dr. ZOIDBERG, she's great.

She's the best thing that ever happened to me.

We had a wonderful night of love-making in my dumpster.

ALL: Ew!

I hope she used protection.

No offense, ZOIDBERG,

but how is she not driven to madness by your mind-altering stench?

Because, my friends, she has no sense of smell.

That explains it. I get it.

For the first time in my life, I'm truly happy.

It's just too bad for her there's no cure, I assume.

Oh, but there is!

A skilled surgeon could perform a nose transplant.

Ah! You're right!

And I, as a renowned ear, nose, and blowhole doctor,

could do the operation!

Are you nuts? If she could smell, she'd smell you!

Your relationship would be over

faster than you can say... (WRETCHES)

Listen to Orange Joe.

You must never let the girl know of this wonderful surgery.

Oh, I don't know. It doesn't seem fair to Marianne.

But on the other claw, maybe I can't live without her.

So, you're right. I can never tell her.

You're doing the right thing.

Today, the competition begins.

Over the course of the summer,

we'll be eliminating one contestant each week,

and by "we" I mean "me".

Deal with it, you babies!

Let the battle begin!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

(SNIFFS)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

(SNIFFS)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Okay. Before those Pilates Nazis

come goose-stepping in and take the room,

here are the finalists for next week's championship.

Bender and Tonya!

I just wanna have fun because dancing is fun, and I like dancing.

ALL: Aww!

I'm gonna kick your ass, little girl.

(ALL GASP)

For you, my lovely rugelach.

Thank you.

It's Gardenia imperialis.

You can brew it into a tea if you like severe stomach cramps.

Such a smart one! You know everything about flowers.

(SIGHS) Everything but how they smell.

Please. Describe it to me.

(SNIFFS) Uh...

It's like summer, with a dab of vanilla and honey,

or maybe winter with some gravy on it.

(SIGHS) I'd give anything to be able to smell a flower like that.

Marianne, my love,

I've never known anyone who wanted to smell so badly,

and there's a way maybe you can.

Really? How?

We have in the doctor world something called a nose transplant.

I can give you a surgery.

And when it's done, you'll be able to smell everything.

Oh, ZOIDBERG! I want the biggest nose you can find!

Dude, you made the finals.

Congrats! You've accomplished s0 much more

than most of us would bother to.

Yeah, but I'm not done yet.

I got a full-proof plan to make sure I go home the champ!

You're gonna put sequins on your hat?

(SCOFFS) See that locker?

Tonya keeps her tap shoes in there.

So right before she dances, I'll sneak in and put rusty tacks in them.

(CACKLES) (GASPS)

The harder she dances, the more she bleeds.

Seems like a solid plan.

What? It's the most horrifying thing I've ever heard!

That's true.

Well, it gets worse.

Once Tonya drops out due to blood loss,

I kidnap her parents and make them watch

while I cut off her hair with these hedge clippers.

Don't you lay a hand on that angel!

Angel? I've looked into her eyes and seen her soul!

She's a monster.

You're insane.

Come on, Fry. Let's go.

Okay. See ya, Bender.

(YELLS IN FRIGHT)

The championship's mine, robot.

(GRUNTS)

Why?

Why?

What did I not do yet to deserve this?

(SIGHS)

Aww.

I think it's noble of you to give Marianne a new nose.

Yeah. She'll be forever grateful from somewhere upwind.

True. Our relationship will end once she smells my odor.

But you know what would really stink?

If Marianne spent her whole life

never knowing the beautiful scent of her own flowers.

(GROANING) Dr. ZOIDBERG, help!

Bender? What happened to your leg tube?

I got beat up by a little girl.

Please. Fix my knee, so I can get revenge at the tap-dance championship!

I don't have time for this, robot.

Here, patch yourself up with this medicinal wacky pack.

(MUTTERING ANGRILY)

(SIREN WAILING)

(GASPS) It's time!

I got a donor nose!

There was an accident at the fencing academy.

Touché.

It'll all be over soon, my love.

May I have (SNIFFLES) one last kiss?

Oh, there'll be lots more.

Yes. Lots. (SOBBING)

Nurse Amy, the anesthesia.

Smell you later.

She's out.

Then let's begin this delicate procedure.

Okay, dance maniacs. Let's have a big hand for our finalists,

cute, little Tonya and mean, old what's-his-name.

Break a leg, Bender. Oops!

Looks like you already did.

You are an evil, heartless troll,

so, actually, we have a lot in common.

In another life, we could've been friends.

No chance, garbage-can face.

(SPUTTERING IN PROTEST)

Brace yourselves,

'cause we're gonna try something

you would never see in mainstream tap,

a simultaneous, head-to-head tap-off.

(CROWD GASPING) What...

Oh! Scandalous!

It's time for some fancy-shmancy dancy.

Hit it, me!

(RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYING)

(MONITOR BEEPING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Ow!

Ow! Bender.

(CACKLING)

(GASPS)

(BENDER LAUGHING)

Oh, look at him dance! He don't care.

Try this, peg-leg.

No sweat!

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

Time's up, kittens. The judge has conferred and the vote is in.

I pick her. (APPLAUSE)

(GRUNTS)

Thanks, Mr. Nice Man.

You know, the doctors say my heart doesn't work very good,

but it feels good today,

'cause I got to dance and make people happy.

(SNIFFLES)

I never knew I could hate this much!

Bender! She's a sweet little girl.

She's a pig!

I'm gonna tap-dance on her grave some day!

Oh!

This is the best-estest day of my whole... (GROANS)

Oh, my God, people! She's having a heart attack!

A cute little heart attack!

(ALL GASPING)

I'm a doctor, and, yes, they're real.

(DEFIBRILLATOR WHINING)

Clear!

(LAUGHING)

How... How did it go?

Just perfect.

This time, you can describe their beautiful aroma to me.

(SNIFFS) On!

What is that horrible stench?

I don't know how to tell you this, but...

It's these flowers! Ew!

It's not the flowers. It's...

(SNIFFS)

Ah! Much better.

You smell just like I dreamed you would.

(STAMMERING) But most people think I smell like a burning zoo!

I never learned a good smell from a bad smell,

but I like the way you smell,

because I like you.

BOTH: Mmm...

It's so beautiful!

(HEART MONITOR FLAT-LINING)

I'm sorry. She's gone.

(SOBBING)

Whoo-hoo!

In your dead face, little girl!

I'm not even gonna wait to dance on your grave.

I'm gonna dance on your corpse right now.

(SCATTING)

Oh, my God!

No, Bender. What're you doing? No!

LEELA: Bender, stop!

The robot has to go!

(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)

Huh? What's that?

I took a nap pie!

I don't believe it. She's alive!

Bender's rhythmic chest compressions restarted her heart.

He's a big ol' hero!

Hooray!

(STAMMERING) I didn't... No, I was trying... Hey. Wait.

Come on. What...

Just 'cause you saved my life doesn't mean I won't beat you down again.

Man, you are irredeemably evil.

Together, we shall rule the galaxy!

Aww, what an adorable, little ka jigger.

Now! (GRUNTS)

(BOTH CACKLING)

Ah...

Nothing like the first cup of dumpster juice in the morning.

(CRASHING)

Marianne?

Yes.

Listen, I've got a new job,

and, well, I'm going to have to dump you.

I'd like that!

(GRUNTS)