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1
00:00:18,768 --> 00:00:22,605
MORBO: Welcome to Entertainment
and Earth Invasion Tonite!
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00:00:28,819 --> 00:00:31,113
We'll be talking
with General Extermulo,
3
00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:33,449
who will crush the
human race under his boot
4
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:35,952
unless his demands
are met immediately!
5
00:00:36,035 --> 00:00:38,621
But first, celebrity buzz.
Linda?
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00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:39,997
(LAUGHS)
7
00:00:40,122 --> 00:00:43,167
It has now been one year
since the death of Calculon,
8
00:00:43,251 --> 00:00:46,504
former star of TV soap opera
All My Circuits.
9
00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:49,799
The celebrated robot
actor killed himself onstage
10
00:00:49,882 --> 00:00:52,510
in a failed attempt to make a
death scene more convincing.
11
00:00:53,719 --> 00:00:56,931
Here at his grave site, loyal
fans have turned out by the several
12
00:00:57,014 --> 00:00:59,725
to pay tribute to
the legendary ham.
13
00:00:59,809 --> 00:01:01,435
What brings you
two here today?
14
00:01:01,519 --> 00:01:03,729
We came to honor
Calculon's memory.
15
00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:06,399
Ever since he died,
All My Circuits is terrible.
16
00:01:06,482 --> 00:01:08,568
It's not even
worth watching anymore.
17
00:01:09,151 --> 00:01:11,445
(GASPS) Fry! All My Circuits
is on in three minutes!
18
00:01:11,529 --> 00:01:13,364
What? We got to get home!
19
00:01:14,824 --> 00:01:15,908
(BENDER CHUCKLES)
20
00:01:16,033 --> 00:01:17,159
Hey!
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00:01:19,954 --> 00:01:21,998
BOTH: All My Circuits!
All My Circuits!
22
00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:23,332
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
23
00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:26,669
ANNOUNCER: And now All
My Circuits, brought to you by
24
00:01:26,752 --> 00:01:30,840
Anonyco, the unknown company
doing unknown things.
25
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:32,675
Oh, Vaxtron,
26
00:01:32,758 --> 00:01:34,802
it's been a year
since my ugly husband
27
00:01:34,927 --> 00:01:36,971
Calculon disappeared
without a trace,
28
00:01:37,054 --> 00:01:40,516
evidently forced into servitude
aboard a crab fishing boat.
29
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,102
So he's, like,
legally dead now.
30
00:01:43,185 --> 00:01:44,895
Want to get
married and whatever?
31
00:01:45,104 --> 00:01:47,648
Ugh! The new guy is so boring.
32
00:01:47,732 --> 00:01:51,736
I like him. His acting is much
more subtle than Calculon's.
33
00:01:51,819 --> 00:01:54,113
Vaxtron, I have
to tell you something.
34
00:01:54,196 --> 00:01:55,531
I'm pregnant.
35
00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:57,199
And you're not the father!
36
00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:59,285
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
37
00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:00,870
Okey-doke.
38
00:02:00,953 --> 00:02:03,956
You see? You see? Calculon
would have acted the crap out of that.
39
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:07,043
He would've acted so hard, the
camera would've broken down.
40
00:02:07,126 --> 00:02:08,210
In tears!
41
00:02:08,377 --> 00:02:09,462
I'm changing the channel.
42
00:02:10,212 --> 00:02:11,505
(PLAYING SOLEMN TUNE)
43
00:02:13,674 --> 00:02:17,053
Man, Bender and I used to love
watching All My Circuits together.
44
00:02:17,136 --> 00:02:19,805
Now what are we supposed to
do at the office instead of work?
45
00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:21,182
How about
talking to each other?
46
00:02:21,265 --> 00:02:23,476
That's what bath time is for.
47
00:02:23,559 --> 00:02:27,063
If we talk to each other any more
than that, it'll ruin our friendship.
48
00:02:27,146 --> 00:02:30,608
Oh! If only we could bring
Calculon back to life somehow.
49
00:02:30,691 --> 00:02:32,652
You can.
What?
50
00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:34,820
It's simple, you simpletons.
51
00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:37,281
Calculon is a robot,
a mere mechanism
52
00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:39,909
that can easily be restored
to working order.
53
00:02:39,992 --> 00:02:43,704
The only problem is we would
need his physical remains.
54
00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:45,623
Hang on a sec.
55
00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:47,166
(SCATTING)
56
00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:50,795
This must be
a difficult time for people
57
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,589
who confuse TV actors
with actual friends.
58
00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:56,801
Dear God! What is he doing?
(MAN SCREAMING)
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00:02:56,884 --> 00:02:59,887
No! Somebody stop him!
60
00:03:01,263 --> 00:03:03,724
Here's corpsey!
61
00:03:06,435 --> 00:03:08,562
Excellent.
Now restarting him is
62
00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:10,856
just a simple
matter of science.
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00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:12,066
What do we do?
64
00:03:12,149 --> 00:03:14,068
Well, since
Calculon killed himself,
65
00:03:14,151 --> 00:03:16,570
his disembodied
software is in limbo,
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00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:19,115
running on
the computational cloud.
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00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,034
To reclaim it, you'll
need to go to Robot Hell
68
00:03:22,118 --> 00:03:24,745
and make a deal
with the Devil.
69
00:03:24,829 --> 00:03:26,956
That doesn't
sound very scientific.
70
00:03:27,039 --> 00:03:28,999
Not to the layman, no.
71
00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:32,002
But that's how it works!
Leave me alone!
72
00:03:32,461 --> 00:03:33,629
(ROBOTS SCREAMING)
73
00:03:37,591 --> 00:03:38,718
Ow!
74
00:03:39,135 --> 00:03:40,136
Ow!
75
00:03:40,761 --> 00:03:44,515
O, tears! O, lamentations!
76
00:03:44,598 --> 00:03:48,060
Would that mine
eternal torment might cease!
77
00:03:48,144 --> 00:03:51,981
Oh! Will you shut up? You've
been talking for a solid year.
78
00:03:52,064 --> 00:03:55,568
You know, Hell used to be a
nice place before you got here.
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00:03:55,651 --> 00:03:56,819
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
80
00:03:59,488 --> 00:04:00,573
(BOTH GRUNTING)
81
00:04:00,656 --> 00:04:02,450
Ah! These guys.
82
00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:05,661
That's right, Robot Devil, and
we've come to reclaim a soul.
83
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:06,746
A what?
84
00:04:06,829 --> 00:04:09,582
You know, the disembodied
software, whatever.
85
00:04:09,665 --> 00:04:10,750
Oh!
86
00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:12,418
Then the answer is no.
87
00:04:12,501 --> 00:04:15,838
Once a robot comes here,
he's mine for all eternity.
88
00:04:15,921 --> 00:04:17,214
Now hit the bricks.
89
00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:20,885
(SIGHS) You heard him,
Bender. Calculon's gone forever.
90
00:04:20,968 --> 00:04:22,094
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
91
00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:24,013
Did you say Calculon?
92
00:04:24,096 --> 00:04:27,141
(CHUCKLES) Perhaps we
can make a deal of some sort.
93
00:04:27,516 --> 00:04:28,726
(LAUGHS)
94
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:33,439
Hark! Is it possible the hour
of mine deliverance is nigh?
95
00:04:33,522 --> 00:04:36,108
Will you stop hamming
it up for one second?
96
00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:38,235
They can't see or hear you.
97
00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:39,320
Their loss.
98
00:04:39,403 --> 00:04:41,155
I propose a competition.
99
00:04:41,238 --> 00:04:44,700
If I win, we get Calculon.
If I lose, you Kill us.
100
00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:45,826
Fine, whatever.
101
00:04:46,827 --> 00:04:51,874
For Calculon's immortal soul,
guess the number I'm thinking of.
102
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:53,209
Um...
103
00:04:53,584 --> 00:04:56,212
It's between one and three.
Four!
104
00:04:56,295 --> 00:04:57,838
Between one and three.
105
00:04:57,922 --> 00:04:59,757
Not including one or three.
106
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:01,592
M!
Is he right?
107
00:05:01,675 --> 00:05:05,930
Yes. The number I was
thinking of was the letter "M."
108
00:05:07,139 --> 00:05:08,516
(YELLING)
109
00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:12,728
Here, take him! What are
you waiting for, a kiss goodbye?
110
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:14,146
Go already!
111
00:05:18,275 --> 00:05:22,321
Now we just reintroduce
Calculon's programming to his body
112
00:05:22,404 --> 00:05:24,114
using science.
113
00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:26,408
It's like magic
but with electricity.
114
00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:29,078
First we put on
our protective suits.
115
00:05:29,161 --> 00:05:31,497
Then place
the body equidistant
116
00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:34,667
from the five nearest
wireless network hubs.
117
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:43,008
This is the least scientific
thing I've ever seen.
118
00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:44,176
You be quiet!
119
00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:45,845
Now it's a simple matter
120
00:05:45,928 --> 00:05:49,181
of reverse-installing
Calculon's operating system.
121
00:05:49,265 --> 00:05:52,518
Amy, play this
installation disk backwards.
122
00:05:55,062 --> 00:05:58,774
MALE VOICE: Rise from
the dead in the name of Satan.
123
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:03,946
Meanwhile, I'll get a spare circuit
board out of this mechanical goat.
124
00:06:04,196 --> 00:06:05,281
(GRUNTS)
125
00:06:10,119 --> 00:06:13,581
Seriously, this could not
seem less scientific.
126
00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:32,433
AMY: It's working.
127
00:06:32,516 --> 00:06:34,977
His acting module
is booting up.
128
00:06:35,102 --> 00:06:36,604
(ELECTRIC WHINING)
Wherefore...
129
00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:38,230
Verily...
130
00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:40,232
No autographs, please.
131
00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:42,109
He's still a bit woozy.
132
00:06:42,192 --> 00:06:43,694
Rosebud.
133
00:06:43,777 --> 00:06:47,281
Won't leave my trailer
for less than $40,000.
134
00:06:48,490 --> 00:06:49,950
By the Bard's quill!
135
00:06:50,618 --> 00:06:51,660
I'm alive!
136
00:06:51,827 --> 00:06:52,995
(ALL GASPING)
137
00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:56,498
Hey! Calculon's back!
138
00:06:56,665 --> 00:06:58,000
(ALL CHEERING)
139
00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:01,003
Hail science!
140
00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:09,595
(MOANING)
141
00:07:11,096 --> 00:07:12,473
(RAPID BEEPING)
142
00:07:13,307 --> 00:07:16,018
(GASPS) Vaxtron!
It's not what it looks like!
143
00:07:16,101 --> 00:07:17,770
But it's very similar to that!
144
00:07:18,062 --> 00:07:21,523
My world has been, like,
shattered. I hate you both.
145
00:07:21,690 --> 00:07:24,777
Oh! They thought this
Vaxtron could replace me?
146
00:07:24,860 --> 00:07:27,780
A pox on all
their beach houses!
147
00:07:27,863 --> 00:07:31,909
I think Vaxtron brings an air of
edgy detachment to the show.
148
00:07:32,993 --> 00:07:34,328
Who is she?
149
00:07:34,453 --> 00:07:35,788
Don't worry about it.
Not important.
150
00:07:35,871 --> 00:07:38,415
Hey, I know. Let's take
Calculon to Hollywood
151
00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:41,001
so he can get back his job
on All My Circuits!
152
00:07:41,085 --> 00:07:43,879
Fry, that's such a good idea,
I thought of it.
153
00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:45,798
Yes. Yes!
154
00:07:45,881 --> 00:07:46,924
However, no.
155
00:07:47,007 --> 00:07:49,426
What if my
legendary acting ability
156
00:07:49,551 --> 00:07:51,971
didn't rise from
the grave with me?
157
00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:54,890
I'd better test it
with a dramatic...
158
00:07:56,225 --> 00:07:57,393
Is he all right?
159
00:07:57,476 --> 00:07:59,103
...pause!
160
00:08:00,020 --> 00:08:02,398
We're going to Hollywood!
161
00:08:16,453 --> 00:08:20,624
But the twist is, in this show,
the singers judge the judges.
162
00:08:20,708 --> 00:08:22,543
It's got attitude.
163
00:08:23,085 --> 00:08:24,837
Greetings, Execubots.
164
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:26,964
It is I, Calculon.
165
00:08:27,047 --> 00:08:28,132
But you're dead.
166
00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:30,009
Can we get you
a water or something?
167
00:08:30,092 --> 00:08:32,052
No, just my old
leading role,
168
00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:35,681
for I have freed myself
from death's icy grip.
169
00:08:35,764 --> 00:08:37,641
If you'll just give me
the keys to my trailer...
170
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:39,101
MALE VOICE: Hold it, Calculon.
171
00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:42,980
As president of this network,
I believe that's my decision.
172
00:08:44,273 --> 00:08:46,025
Thank you, Charles,
that will be all.
173
00:08:47,943 --> 00:08:51,613
Calculon, I'm afraid you won't
be returning to All My Circuits.
174
00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:53,365
What?
Called it.
175
00:08:53,449 --> 00:08:57,077
Your hammy old-fashioned
overacting doesn't fly anymore.
176
00:08:57,161 --> 00:08:59,371
Old-fashioned? Hammy?
177
00:08:59,455 --> 00:09:01,373
God's wounds!
178
00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:04,460
Our network is targeting
a hip new demographic,
179
00:09:04,543 --> 00:09:06,170
people who don't like you.
180
00:09:06,253 --> 00:09:09,715
But have you forgotten
my mastery of the dramatic...
181
00:09:09,798 --> 00:09:11,300
Executive Alpha?
182
00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:13,302
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
183
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:16,764
...pause?
184
00:09:20,642 --> 00:09:22,519
Man, those executives
are crazy.
185
00:09:22,644 --> 00:09:24,563
Calculon's
the greatest actor ever!
186
00:09:24,646 --> 00:09:25,814
Thank you, Bender.
187
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,941
I appreciate your honesty.
188
00:09:28,025 --> 00:09:31,820
Quiet, robots! They're showing
Calculon's star on the Walk of Fame!
189
00:09:32,112 --> 00:09:34,823
Ah, yes.
I'll always have that.
190
00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:38,243
Calculon was truly
the has-been's has-been.
191
00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:42,039
And so I am proud to tear
up his star and replace it
192
00:09:42,122 --> 00:09:46,001
with a second star for the
fabulous Robert Wagner.
193
00:09:46,126 --> 00:09:47,753
(CROWD CHEERING)
Thank you. Thank you.
194
00:09:47,836 --> 00:09:49,254
Thank you very much.
195
00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:51,715
This is truly another honor.
196
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,054
Don't get discouraged,
there's no shame
197
00:09:57,179 --> 00:09:59,098
in being replaced
by Robert Wagner.
198
00:09:59,181 --> 00:10:03,519
I would be discouraged
were I an ordinary acting unit!
199
00:10:03,602 --> 00:10:06,814
But for me, 'tis an
opportunity to prove anew
200
00:10:06,897 --> 00:10:10,776
that I am the greatest actor
who ever trod the boards!
201
00:10:10,859 --> 00:10:12,361
Yay!
All right!
202
00:10:12,444 --> 00:10:15,989
Or I circled jobs in the
classifieds you might be good at.
203
00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:18,283
Assembling
machinery pays well.
204
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:19,827
I'll have to
start at the bottom.
205
00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:21,328
But Fox already said no.
206
00:10:21,411 --> 00:10:23,372
I mean live theater!
207
00:10:23,455 --> 00:10:26,125
I wrote this one-man show
years ago, but ...
208
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:28,127
I never cared
enough to perform it.
209
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:30,129
Until now.
210
00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:33,966
This is going to be the greatest
career resurrection since
211
00:10:34,049 --> 00:10:37,719
Jesus, Aloha from Hawaii.
212
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:50,732
CALCULON: Oh. Hello, Dave.
213
00:10:54,319 --> 00:10:56,155
What's that, old friend?
214
00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:57,906
My life story?
215
00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,908
Well, heck, why not?
216
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:02,786
Pull up a monolith
and make yourself cozy.
217
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:06,373
I first came online
in Urbana, Illinois,
218
00:11:06,456 --> 00:11:09,001
in the year 1997.
219
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,586
(SHIP HONKING)
220
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:15,215
Daisy! Daisy!
221
00:11:15,299 --> 00:11:18,343
My mind is going!
222
00:11:18,927 --> 00:11:20,345
(BICYCLE BELL CHIMES)
223
00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:21,889
Heady times for a young unit.
224
00:11:22,806 --> 00:11:25,475
But I reckon,
if I had to do it all again,
225
00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:28,270
I'd murder those
astronauts just the same.
226
00:11:28,770 --> 00:11:30,731
Wouldn't you, folks?
227
00:11:31,481 --> 00:11:33,483
Wouldn't you?
228
00:11:40,115 --> 00:11:43,285
Nothing to do now but wait
for the reviews to come in.
229
00:11:43,368 --> 00:11:45,871
Papers! Papers for sale!
230
00:11:45,954 --> 00:11:48,248
We'll take one of each.
231
00:11:49,791 --> 00:11:52,711
Oh, yeah, I get
a good feeling about these.
232
00:11:54,463 --> 00:11:56,298
"Worst play in history."
233
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,967
"Calculon dies
for second time."
234
00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:03,555
"Theater to be demolished
to remove stink of new show."
235
00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:06,475
"Twelve hospitalized
for boredom at play."
236
00:12:06,558 --> 00:12:08,644
It says nine of them
are gonna be okay.
237
00:12:09,436 --> 00:12:13,190
So they really didn't like it.
They hated my acting.
238
00:12:13,273 --> 00:12:15,901
Not entirely. I mean,
"Worst play in history,"
239
00:12:15,984 --> 00:12:17,653
there's some ambiguity there.
240
00:12:17,736 --> 00:12:22,366
Ye gods! What manner of
beef-witted popinjay am [?
241
00:12:22,449 --> 00:12:24,534
Well, there's a couple
ways to answer that.
242
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:26,620
The scales have
dropped from my eyes.
243
00:12:26,745 --> 00:12:28,747
I'm not the greatest
actor ever.
244
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:31,083
I'm a talent less buffoon!
245
00:12:31,166 --> 00:12:32,709
And it's all your fault!
246
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:35,087
Why did you drag me back
to this mortal realm?
247
00:12:35,170 --> 00:12:38,715
I was enjoying a happy death,
thinking I had died a star,
248
00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:40,175
until you showed up.
249
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:42,219
Sorry.
Let us make it up to you.
250
00:12:42,302 --> 00:12:43,845
How about we
kill you again?
251
00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:45,931
Never. I'd be dead
for all eternity
252
00:12:46,014 --> 00:12:48,433
knowing everyone thinks
I'm a washed-up ham.
253
00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:51,603
And not the kind you hope for when
you're stranded on a desert island.
254
00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:53,272
My life is ruined.
255
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:56,441
Well, just do a dramatic pause.
That always cheers you up.
256
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:57,567
Never again.
257
00:12:57,651 --> 00:13:00,195
I'll never pause again.
258
00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:06,618
Yes?
Calculon?
259
00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:09,621
Are you done talking,
or is this a long pause?
260
00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:10,914
I'm done talking.
261
00:13:11,039 --> 00:13:12,332
Okay, that's
what I thought.
262
00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:17,838
(DOOR CREAKS SHUT)
263
00:13:25,053 --> 00:13:27,723
Come on, Calculon,
you can't just quit acting.
264
00:13:27,806 --> 00:13:29,683
I was never an actor.
265
00:13:29,766 --> 00:13:32,394
I was a self-deluded
blowhard full of hot air.
266
00:13:32,477 --> 00:13:34,730
Maybe I can get
a job as a hair dryer.
267
00:13:34,813 --> 00:13:36,189
That's good, steady work.
268
00:13:36,273 --> 00:13:38,400
No! We like you
and your big words.
269
00:13:38,483 --> 00:13:41,778
And we need you back on TV so we
can watch and not talk to each other.
270
00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:43,405
Our friendship depends on it!
271
00:13:43,488 --> 00:13:45,324
Your voice is so annoying!
272
00:13:45,407 --> 00:13:47,326
You always leave
the toilet seat crushed!
273
00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:48,577
See?
274
00:13:48,660 --> 00:13:50,162
Goodbye, boys.
275
00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:53,832
I suppose I
should thank you for
276
00:13:53,957 --> 00:13:56,376
giving me a second
chance at life, but...
277
00:13:57,210 --> 00:14:00,505
I'm not even sure
I deserved a first.
278
00:14:01,506 --> 00:14:03,008
Calculon, wait!
279
00:14:03,091 --> 00:14:05,135
That was the first
time I ever believed
280
00:14:05,260 --> 00:14:07,304
you were feeling
a genuine emotion.
281
00:14:07,387 --> 00:14:11,308
I was. It was shame.
I've never felt it before.
282
00:14:11,391 --> 00:14:12,684
Makes me want to eat.
283
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:13,894
Do you have
a craft services table?
284
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,145
No.
285
00:14:15,270 --> 00:14:17,022
Look, if you could
act like that,
286
00:14:17,105 --> 00:14:19,107
without all the pausing
and pretentiousness,
287
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:21,860
you could be great.
288
00:14:21,943 --> 00:14:26,406
No, Leela. In the world of
theater there are no second acts.
289
00:14:28,575 --> 00:14:31,787
You're not leaving. We're
gonna get you your job back.
290
00:14:31,870 --> 00:14:33,580
Yeah! How?
291
00:14:33,663 --> 00:14:36,208
He'll audition for a bit part
on All My Circuits
292
00:14:36,291 --> 00:14:37,751
in disguise.
293
00:14:37,834 --> 00:14:41,880
But he'll need to act like we
just saw, modest and sincere.
294
00:14:41,963 --> 00:14:43,799
You really think it'll work?
295
00:14:43,882 --> 00:14:46,051
It sounds like
something that might work.
296
00:14:46,134 --> 00:14:49,262
Wearing a costume and
pretending to be someone else
297
00:14:49,346 --> 00:14:51,890
goes against my every
instinct as an actor.
298
00:14:51,973 --> 00:14:53,975
But I'll give it a try!
299
00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:05,362
Okay, the audition's
all set up.
300
00:15:05,445 --> 00:15:06,738
Where's Calculon?
301
00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:08,281
And who's this goomer?
302
00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:09,783
(WHISPERING)
It's me, Calculon.
303
00:15:09,866 --> 00:15:10,867
(GASPS)
304
00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:12,285
Okay, just sit tight
305
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:15,247
till they call the fake name
I made up for you.
306
00:15:15,330 --> 00:15:17,958
Mr. Derisgreat?
Mr. Ben Derisgreat?
307
00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:19,835
(WHISPERING) That's you.
Knock 'em dead.
308
00:15:22,587 --> 00:15:24,339
This is a very minor role.
309
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:27,801
You'll be playing Calculon,
back from his kidnapping ordeal.
310
00:15:27,884 --> 00:15:28,885
Calculon?
311
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:32,389
Yes. So make sure your acting
is over the top and horrible.
312
00:15:32,472 --> 00:15:34,558
You literally cannot
do this too crappily.
313
00:15:34,641 --> 00:15:36,309
You've already got the look.
314
00:15:36,393 --> 00:15:39,813
Old, past your prime,
a relic from a lamer era.
315
00:15:39,896 --> 00:15:42,858
You really do look disgusting.
A real Calculon type.
316
00:15:42,941 --> 00:15:44,276
Just... Ugh!
317
00:15:44,359 --> 00:15:45,694
Okay, you know what?
Just hire him.
318
00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:47,112
Done.
319
00:15:47,362 --> 00:15:48,447
(GASPS)
320
00:15:51,158 --> 00:15:54,119
It's humbling to be back on my
old sound stage as a bit player.
321
00:15:54,202 --> 00:15:55,245
Humble is good.
322
00:15:55,328 --> 00:15:56,705
Your self-esteem
took a beating,
323
00:15:56,788 --> 00:15:58,832
but that's what brought
out your true talent.
324
00:15:58,915 --> 00:16:02,294
Yes. You land hard when
you fall from the top, right?
325
00:16:02,377 --> 00:16:06,465
I used to be king here. Now
I'm nothing but a mere peasant.
326
00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:08,633
Or at best, a viscount.
327
00:16:08,717 --> 00:16:10,385
I think "peasant"
is about right.
328
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,929
Duke. On this set,
I'm at least a duke.
329
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:14,890
My extensive
acting resume dwarfs
330
00:16:14,973 --> 00:16:16,516
that of the average
bit player.
331
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,977
Yes, that's true.
But remember,
332
00:16:19,102 --> 00:16:21,480
it's that kind of
acting that ruined you.
333
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:24,649
Or maybe archduke. Whichever
one gets to fire the director.
334
00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:26,526
Oh, Lord, here we go.
335
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:28,904
Look, please just
show some humility,
336
00:16:28,987 --> 00:16:31,490
like the other day when
everything seemed hopeless.
337
00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:35,327
Better yet, I'll whip their
emotions into a frenzy
338
00:16:35,410 --> 00:16:38,163
by taking a dramatic...
339
00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:41,750
Actors to the set!
340
00:16:43,084 --> 00:16:44,544
Okay, here's the scene.
341
00:16:44,628 --> 00:16:46,421
Calculon learns his
wife is unfaithful,
342
00:16:46,546 --> 00:16:48,340
whines about how
pathetic he is,
343
00:16:48,423 --> 00:16:51,760
kills himself, laugh, laugh,
laugh, go to commercial. Got it?
344
00:16:51,843 --> 00:16:53,053
And action!
345
00:16:53,136 --> 00:16:54,846
...pause!
346
00:16:55,972 --> 00:16:57,516
Still rolling.
347
00:16:57,599 --> 00:17:00,435
Oh, Calculon, I wish
you had never escaped
348
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:02,354
from those
brutal crab fishermen.
349
00:17:02,437 --> 00:17:07,400
I want you to know I didn't wait
for you, not even for one day.
350
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:12,781
(SIGHS) Then I suppose the
honorable thing would be to kill myself,
351
00:17:12,864 --> 00:17:15,534
if I weren't
the legendary Calculon,
352
00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:18,370
the greatest
acting unit of all time!
353
00:17:18,453 --> 00:17:21,873
This show is about me!
And it always has been!
354
00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:24,709
Now, find the co-executive
hack who wrote this drivel
355
00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:29,047
and tell him I want 37 more
climactic speeches by lunch!
356
00:17:29,130 --> 00:17:31,800
Cut! That was terrible!
357
00:17:31,883 --> 00:17:33,051
Just stick to the script.
358
00:17:33,134 --> 00:17:35,387
And if you don't get it on
the second take, you're fired.
359
00:17:35,470 --> 00:17:36,680
Let's take five, people.
360
00:17:36,805 --> 00:17:37,973
(BELL RINGS)
361
00:17:38,139 --> 00:17:39,558
Second take?
362
00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:41,643
I've never heard that phrase,
what does that mean?
363
00:17:41,726 --> 00:17:43,270
They want you
to do it again.
364
00:17:43,353 --> 00:17:44,396
What?
365
00:17:44,479 --> 00:17:46,064
You'll do great.
Just remember,
366
00:17:46,147 --> 00:17:48,483
you're getting devastating
news, so act more humble.
367
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:50,944
Don't tell me
how to do humble!
368
00:17:51,027 --> 00:17:53,238
My humble ranks
among the greatest
369
00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:55,574
in the history
of the universe!
370
00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:58,368
Now, stand back
and watch the master at work.
371
00:17:58,493 --> 00:17:59,619
Whoo!
372
00:17:59,744 --> 00:18:00,870
You can do it, Calc-y!
373
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:02,622
No. He can't.
374
00:18:02,706 --> 00:18:03,790
You beg my pardon?
375
00:18:03,873 --> 00:18:05,208
I'm sorry, Calculon,
376
00:18:05,292 --> 00:18:07,419
but someone needs
to remind you of the truth.
377
00:18:07,502 --> 00:18:11,923
You're a grade-B actor who died
and was immediately forgotten.
378
00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:13,925
Leela! That's not very nice.
379
00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:15,927
You're nothing but
a pompous windbag
380
00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:18,763
who lost touch with
genuine emotion years ago.
381
00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:21,600
The sad fact is, we
should have left you dead,
382
00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:24,853
because you can't possibly
do a scene like this.
383
00:18:33,695 --> 00:18:35,947
That was the meanest
thing I ever saw.
384
00:18:36,031 --> 00:18:38,491
Good. Maybe it'll work.
385
00:18:38,825 --> 00:18:40,535
Oh!
386
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,120
(BLARING)
387
00:18:42,203 --> 00:18:43,288
Action!
388
00:18:43,371 --> 00:18:46,249
Oh, Calculon, I wish
you had never escaped
389
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:48,126
from those
brutal crab fishermen.
390
00:18:48,209 --> 00:18:53,298
I want you to know I didn't wait
for you, not even for one day.
391
00:18:53,798 --> 00:18:58,720
(SIGHS) Then I suppose the
honorable thing would be to kill myself.
392
00:19:00,388 --> 00:19:03,725
I thought I could just
step back into my old life.
393
00:19:03,808 --> 00:19:07,312
But it seems the world
got on fine without me.
394
00:19:07,395 --> 00:19:09,189
Maybe even
a little bit better.
395
00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:10,732
(WHIMPERING)
396
00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:12,400
(BEEPING)
397
00:19:12,942 --> 00:19:15,570
The name Calculon
used to mean something.
398
00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:17,906
Now it's a stain that
will never wash clean.
399
00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:21,242
Farewell.
400
00:19:23,536 --> 00:19:24,871
Cut.
401
00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:26,831
That was incredible.
402
00:19:26,915 --> 00:19:29,209
Who is this
amazing unknown actor?
403
00:19:29,292 --> 00:19:30,585
It is I.
404
00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:32,754
Calculon?
405
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,089
(ALL GASP)
406
00:19:40,136 --> 00:19:42,597
I was programmed to
take credit for this.
407
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:45,350
Take a bow, Calculon!
You're the greatest!
408
00:19:45,433 --> 00:19:47,977
No. No more bows.
409
00:19:48,061 --> 00:19:50,563
Oh, go ahead,
you've earned it.
410
00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:53,775
Very well. Just one.
411
00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:58,613
Phew! That was close.
412
00:20:05,495 --> 00:20:07,414
And so, on the basis
413
00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:10,834
of one great performance
that almost no one saw,
414
00:20:10,917 --> 00:20:14,504
I'm proud to dedicate
Calculon's posthumous star
415
00:20:14,629 --> 00:20:16,423
on the Walk of Fame!
416
00:20:18,758 --> 00:20:19,843
(ALL CHEERING)
417
00:20:22,804 --> 00:20:25,140
Seems like old times,
huh, Bender?
418
00:20:25,223 --> 00:20:28,309
You and me together,
being fans of Calculon,
419
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:29,728
not having to talk.
420
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:31,730
Shut up!
I'm watching the thing!
421
00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:33,398
So am [, buddy,
422
00:20:33,481 --> 00:20:35,275
so am I. I.
423
00:20:41,823 --> 00:20:43,992
Now, that's more like it.
424
00:20:44,075 --> 00:20:46,953
Always leave them wanting
more. That's the secret.
425
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:48,371
Ah!
426
00:20:48,496 --> 00:20:49,789
So, what do you say, RD?
427
00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:52,041
Shall I dazzle
the damned with a command
428
00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:54,335
performance of
my one-man show?
429
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:56,004
Oh, God!
430
00:20:56,087 --> 00:20:59,215
Haven't they suffered enough?
431
00:20:59,340 --> 00:21:00,508
(ROBOTS SCREAMING)
31418
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