Original subtitles

Mr. President. I found the TV remote.

Good work, Sergeant. I'm awarding you the Purple Heart.

But I wasn't injured.

Ow! (SCREAMS)

Well, enough governing. It's Saturday morning, damn it.

Let's watch some cartoons.

(GRUNTS)

(CARNIVALESQUE MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: It's time to fall into

the Futurama and Friends Saturday Morning Fun Pit!

Here comes Bendee-Boo and the Mystery Crew!

MAN: (SINGING) Bendee-Bendee-Boo, what's wrong with you?

You're such a lousy mascot

No one understands a single word you say not even the jerk in the ascot

Rite my riny retal Rass!

(OWL HOOTING)

It sure was nice of your nephew to invite us to his cloning lab

here in the Repeating Forest.

Uh-huh. Hey, like, here's a puzzler.

How old are we on a scale of 14 to 327

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

Did anyone else hear that weird laugh?

It's spooky. It doesn't seem to correspond to anything funny happening.

I'll say.

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

Turn around. Go away. Do it now.

Rikes!

Splinkies! What was that?

I don't know. It's a mystery.

Like, I've got a bigger mystery. How am I going to fill my hungry stomach?

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

Yeah. Where can we find food here in the woods?

How about that kabuki theater?

Like, where there's a kabuki theater, there's a concession stand.

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

Say, Fry, why do you always have the munchies?

And also your eyes are bloodshot, you're paranoid,

and the van has a skunky odor.

Search me. No, don't. I'm carrying. (LAUGHS)

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

(GROWLING)

(ALL SCREAM)

(LAUGHING) I do enjoy a well-buttered floor.

ALL: George Takei? Reorge Rakei?

Sorry to haunt you so effectively.

I thought you kids were that dragon ghost that's been spooking the town.

Like, what's the story with the yakitori?

Help yourselves. But I warn you, that chicken is over a year old.

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

Why is the food in your concession stand so old, Mr. Takei?

You see, Amy, this used to be the most popular kabuki theater

in the entire outskirts of town.

But people stopped coming after they built that darned basketball arena.

Now everybody likes basketball instead of kabuki.

It's an insult to my Japanese heritage.

How so? This is America, not Japan.

Maybe so. I'm not sure.

Now, how many tickets would you like for the show?

Like, none. But thanks for the yucky-Tori.

(LAUGHS)

Another grave insult to my ancestry.

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Is this the professor's cloning lab? Nu?

Cloning is a sin against nature!

But yes. Follow me to the professor's cloning room.

(MACHINERY BEEPING)

You see, I'm his butler.

Oh! My uncle Fry and his mystery-solving friends.

Perhaps you can make sense of the...

What is it that's been haunting us, ZOIDBERG?

Ghost. (SCREAMS)

Now then, let me show you my lab.

This is my cloning machine.

This is where I keep various lengths of wire.

And those are the Harlem Globetrotters.

ALL: The Globetrotters?

What you doing' wearing' an ascot, brother?

I think it looks nice.

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

(SPLUTTERING)

Ah!

What are you Globetrotters doing here?

We're in town for the big game.

And we stopped by to help our friend, the professor, with his cloning machine.

Just call me the clone prince of basketball.

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

(WHIRRING)

(BELL DINGS)

Like, it's basketball superstar Larry Bird!

Larry Bird, what are you doing here?

(TAPE RECORDER CLICKS) Hi. This is Larry Bird calling.

Listen, my agent sent me that cartoon script,

and I have decided I don't want to be involved in any way.

(TAPE BEEPS) (RECORDER CLICKS)

Nice to meet you, Larry Bird.

Okay, let's clone us a whole team of Larry Birds.

Now we can practice for the big game.

We figure, if we can beat five Larry Birds, we can beat anybody.

Cloning is wrong. It's wrong, I say!

Oh, I just hope that mysterious dragon ghost

doesn't show up at the lab again.

But why would a ghost want to stop the Globetrotters from practicing?

And against a team of clones, no less.

(DOOR SLIDES SHUT)

Well, gang, it looks like we've got more of the same mystery on our hands.

(THUNDERCLAP)

(ALL SNORING)

Like, the real mystery is how I'm gonna get any sleep with all this noise.

I need some air.

(SCREAMS)

It's me, the dragon ghost. We met before.

Like, yikes!

(CRASHING)

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

It's time to spring into action, gang.

Okay.

Rabbit goes around the tree. There.

All right, it's time to get to the bottom of what, at this point,

can only be called a mystery.

Let's split up.

Eight of us will stay here with this dragon-trap the professor built.

HERMES: Meanwhile, Fry, Bendee, you go look for the dragon.

Like, you guys are terrible friends for always sending us to our deaths.

I'm not going. Re reither!

Would you do it for a Bendee Brew?

Rokay. Ri'm a ralcoholic.

MAN: (SINGING) Yummy, yummy, yummy

I've got love in my tummy

And I feel like a-loving' you

Love, you're such a sweet thing Good enough to eat thing

And that's just a-what I'm gonna do

Ooh, love to hold you Ooh, love to kiss you

Ooh, love, I love it so

Ooh, love, you're sweeter Sweeter than sugar

Ooh, I love, I won't let you go

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

All right, gang. I think we have all the clues we need

to solve the mystery of the haunted cloning machine.

Only one person took issue with the ethical ramifications of cloning

and also had access to this castle.

The butler, Dr. ZOIDBERG!

Let's see who this so-called butler really is.

(THUD) Oops.

Never mind. Here, take this.

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

(SPLUTTERING) Ah!

May he rest in peace.

Hey, there's a dragon in this trap!

TAKEI: Help. Help.

Let's see who this dragon ghost really is.

(SQUEAKING)

ALL: George Takei?

That's right.

And I would never have gotten away with it, regardless of you meddling kids.

But, like, that dragon ghost was hovering and translucent.

Yes. You see, I used the projector from my kabuki theater.

But kabuki theaters don't have a projector.

Some do.

It all makes sense.

He knew that if he scared the Globetrotters away from the big basketball game,

disappointed fans would flock to his kabuki theater.

Of course!

No, that's not why I did it.

Then, like, why did you do it?

I'm mentally ill.

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Thanks for helping solve the mystery.

After practicing against five Larry Birds, we're ready for anything.

ANNOUNCER: And now, introducing the opponents, six Larry Birds!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Bendee-Bendee-Boo!

(ALL SHOUTING)

What's all this ruckus? People live here, you know.

Mr. President, our children are fat and dumb, and we blame cartoons.

It's time to get government onto our backs.

We demand you regulate children's programming

and force the writers to shoehorn in helpful lessons.

Fine, fine. Get off my lawn.

I'll have Agnew put in a call to Hollywood.

(DIALING)

(GROWLING)

All right, let's laugh and learn.

ANNOUNCER: And now, the show that teaches kids

to eat right and have a good time,

all while tolerating others.

This will shut up those whining hippies.

ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for Purpleberry Pond.

(SINGING) Purpleberry Pond is fun for young and old

When healthy juicy purple-berries fill your bowl

We all get along and we're happy and merry

I must get my hands on those healthy purple-berries.

Bort.

Of eating right we are very fond

When we eat together on Purpleberry Pond

(READING TEXT ALOUD)

Good morning, Princess Purpleberry. Isn't it a lovely morning?

It's particularly purp-tacular.

It's pur-practically pur-perfect.

It's funny how we never get tired of the word "purple.” Never.

And it's all thanks to a balanced diet, composed of nothing but purple-berries.

I must get my hands on those healthy purple-berries.

Bort.

ANNOUNCER: Purpleberry Pond will return after these messages.

Hey, Mickey, you seem kind of down.

You should try some sugar-blasted Purpleberry Puffs.

My sugar-blasted purple-berries are triple-soaked in maple-flavored syrup

to start your day with purple power.

And the leftover milk looks like Purpleberry Pond.

(SLURPS) Ah!

ANNOUNCER: Purpleberry Puffs are the sweetest part of your complete breakfast.

Along with juice, toast, ham, eggs, bacon, milk, cheese, liver, waffles

and a big horse vitamin.

And now, back to our show.

(SINGING) Healthy, healthy, healthy Healthy purple-berries are

Eat purple-berries and you'll be a star

Look, a new purp-son is coming to Purpleberry Pond.

(NEIGHING)

Announcing Lord Loquat.

I wonder what shade of purple he'll be.

(ALL GASP)

Greetings, Princess Purpleberry.

I am Lord Loquat, your new neighbor.

You're coming to live here?

There goes the purple-hood.

(SHATTERS) You're different, and I don't like you.

Wait, it doesn't matter the color of your berries.

After all, it takes two colors to make a rainbow.

Shucks, I never thought of it that way. Sorry, cheddar-head.

ALL: (SINGING) Look up high where the rainbow bends

Orange and purple are the best of friends

I must get my hands on those healthy purple-berries.

Bort.

And orangeberries.

ANNOUNCER: We'll be back after these messages.

Mom, why is there orange in my Purpleberry Puffs?

As an active mom, I care about these things.

I'll check the box while you start eating.

Now my sugar-blasted Purpleberry Puffs have Loquat-flavored orangeberries.

Two colors? Wow.

(BELCHING) Bort.

It's a small part of this girl's breakfast.

Whoa, whoa! (SCREAMS)

(SPLUTTERING) (BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Bort?

I have a plan to get my hands on those purple-berries

with new Loquat-flavored orangeberries.

Soon I will have an important part of a complete breakfast.

Oh, no. The Berry Burglar fired his snowball bomb.

The snow will destroy the Purpleberry crop.

Wait, it's not snow. It's sugar.

ALL: Yay!

New sugar-frosted, sugar-blasted Purpleberry Puffs.

You can really see the sugar.

I don't know which I like more, original or type two.

ANNOUNCER: And now, back to our show.

Curses, I didn't get my hands on those healthy purple-berries.

But next time, by gosh, I'll get my hands on those healthy purple-berries.

Bort.

Will the Berry Burglar never learn?

Probably not, but we did.

We learned that no matter whether we're purple or orange...

Or new polka-berry. (HONKING)

Good nutrition is just a bowl away.

ALL: (SINGING) You know you want to try it So tell your mom to buy it

Buy Purpleberry Puffs cereal.

Buy! Buy! Buy!

Bye-bye.

ANNOUNCER: We'll be back with more commercials

after these important messages.

(FIRING)

(SCREAMS)

Go, me!

(SINGING) They fight for the heck of it because they like to, here comes G.I. Zapp

G.I. Zapp, G.I. Zapp!

ZAPP: G.I. Zapp is the code name

for an elite group of heavily armed mercenaries,

eager to murder the enemy, regardless of the cost in innocent lives.

Ah! Here we go. No one can complain about this patriotic dreck.

(MEN SHOUTING)

(GROANS)

What's that? A rock? I hate rocks.

(ALL BOOING)

What do you stupid voters want now?

What possible objection could you have to the G.I. Zapp cartoon?

MAN: It's too violent.

Oh! Very well. As leader of the free world,

it is my solemn duty to put an end to cartoon violence.

(FIRING)

I'll have to re-edit the program.

Rose Mary, have we got any type of machinery to edit tape?

ROSE MARY: Oh, you know we do.

Time for Dickie to get tricky.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(SINGING) G.I. Zapp! G.I. Zapp! G.I. Zapp!

ZAPP: G.I. Zapp is the code name for an elite group of...

NIXON: Patriotic peacekeepers who rebuild schools

with their bullet-sucking vacuum tanks.

That's what they are.

ZAPP: Today's episode, "Operation throat..."

NIXON: "Banana Split."

What the hell kind of plane is that?

(BUCKLES CLICK)

Okay, G.I. Zapps.

Today's mission is to parachute into Fort Weapons worth

and take back our shrapnel laser, which was stolen by our sworn enemy.

The terrorist group known as A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.

KIF: "A.C.R.O.N.Y.M. A Criminal Regiment Of Nasty Young Men."

That's clever. I'll leave that the way it is.

(LAUGHING)

I'll show those G.I. Zapps once and for all when I fire this surface-to-air m...

NIXON: Warning shot.

Excellent plan, Profestro. That'll blow them straight to he...

NIXON: Church.

Sound off as you jump.

Freezer Burn!

Nutcracker!

NIXON: That's no name for a woman. Let's just call her Pat.

Waterboard! NIXON: Helpful Johnny.

Box-cutter! NIXON: Powder Puff.

Orphan Crippler! NIXON: Nah. Pass.

Incoming surface-to-air...

NIXON: Telegram!

Pilot, is your parachute packed and ready?

Yes, sir.

Good, because I forgot mine.

KIF: Mayday! Mayday!

Tell my wife... NIXON: I'll be home for dinner.

I... landed the plane safely next to this naturally occurring fireball.

At Disneyland. Hi, Tinker Bell.

Ready. Aim...

NIXON: Negotiate.

(GRUNTING)

NIXON: Ugh! Here comes a water balloon.

(MEN GRUNTING)

NIXON: That's quite a splash.

(SCREAMS)

NIXON: Uh, beam me up, Scotty.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

NIXON: Yay! I caught it.

Ah!

I'm hit. Oh, God, it... NIXON: Tickles.

Oh, no. Freezer Burn is... NIXON: Sleeping.

I will avenge him, you heartless... NIXON: Bastards!

It's okay if I say it.

(GRUNTS) (GROANS)

NIXON: Just measuring you for a new hat.

Three, four, you-you-you.

Find that apple. It's down there somewhere.

(SCREAMING)

(POWER TOOLS WHIRRING)

(GUNS FIRING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

That's it, I'm pulling the plug.

Agnew, cut to the PSA.

(GRUNTS)

Give me the ball! No, give me the ball.

I know, let's fight for it.

(GRUNTING)

Now, hold on there, boys. Violence never solved anything.

Then how do we decide who gets the ball?

Agnew, show them.

(GRUNTS)

There. How do you like your stupid ball now?

(LAUGHS)

(SOBBING)

(NIXON READING)

ANNOUNCER: That concludes the Futurama and Friends Saturday Morning Fun Pit!

Now stay tuned for six hours of golf.

(GRUNTS)