Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: Futurama presents...

(READING)

Brought to you by Mutual of Omicron.

Insuring your world, and its destruction.

Tonight's planet, a primitive backwater known only as...

(READING)

NARRATOR: Of all the creatures on Earth,

none has a more thrilling life cycle than the intrepid salmon.

It all begins in a cold, freshwater stream,

where the salmon eggs incubate.

I'm born, baby!

The new hatch-lings are known as "fry."”

What's your name?

I don't have a name. I'm a salmon.

After three years in the stream,

the young salmon are ready for the arduous journey to the ocean.

I do look forward to cavorting in the spray.

The trip will be dangerous. Only three in 10 will survive.

Let's all 10 of us go together.

There's safety in numbers. (EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)

I reckon my boy will be right pleased

when I regurgitate that into his mouth.

Looming ahead, nature's waterfall, the cliff of the waters.

Ah.

It sure is relaxing getting swept along by this current.

Oh, my!

Oh, dear!

Oh, yes!

This just in. Three dead in foamy plunge.

(LAUGHS)

(GROANS)

Still, six out of 10 alive. That's considered good for our species!

Five out of 10, also nice.

Yep.

NARRATOR: And so the salmon reach the ocean, birthplace of all life.

Except the salmon.

Hello. Who are you?

I'm a salmon.

Really? Me, too!

No way!

So, hey, I don't want to be too forward,

but I'd like to mate with you in a few years when we're sexually mature.

I'd like that.

Oh!

What have we here? I'm a Pisces. And you?

Also Pisces. We're all Pisces.

Then it's a date. I'll see you at spawning time.

No, thanks. I've already found my mate.

You haven't ignored the last of me.

(ROMANTIC POP MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR: Having reached maturity, it is time for the salmon to spawn.

Thus begins their 1000-mile journey

back to the exact stream in which they were born.

So how do we find our way home?

Nobody knows!

Experts are unsure whether salmon navigate by memory,

sense of smell, or by detecting variations in Earth's magnetic field.

Okay, everybody do one of those three things.

Well, this is it. Home, stream home.

No, it isn't! I was born in the next stream up.

You're from Next Stream Up? So am I !

I can tell by the magnets in my head, or whatever.

Let's go!

The urge to spawn drives the salmon

inexorably toward the stream of its birth.

Stupid body! Why won't you go to that other stream?

Nobody knows!

I just told you!

Goodbye! It was fun maturing with you,

but at this point in my life cycle,

I need a mate who's within squirting distance.

I'll never forget you, fish.

Come on, loxy lady, it's time for us to get naughty by nature!

No!

(ALL FISH CLAMORING)

Well, here goes something...

Don't make it... Don't make it!

Son of a fish!

Jumping is for suckers.

I'm good! Who wants a piece of me?

I'll try a bite!

NARRATOR: Having completed its perilous journey,

the exhausted salmon enters the final phase of its life cycle.

The female deposits her eggs and the male fertilizes them.

Okay, who's next?

There's a lot more where that came from!

(COUGHS)

I can't see them anymore! What if they're mating?

Who cares? Just release your milt already!

Everybody's doing it!

No! I refuse to release anything

unless it's in the vicinity of the eggs of the fish I love!

(BOTH COUGHING)

Tell my offspring I loved me very much...

(GASPS)

Oh, yeah. Plop those roundies.

(GASPING)

(GROANING)

All right, step aside. Time to let my bad boys loose.

I am Brrr, devourer of fish and honey!

(GASPING)

I'm coming, darling!

I shouldn't, but who's counting?

Help! Fish police!

Two salmon for dinner?

What? It's spawning season! It's a bear holiday!

That is what you said when you found those Boy Scouts!

Next you'll be telling me I can't crap in the woods!

That's it!

We're hibernating in separate caves this winter!

My love!

You made it!

You overcame salmon instinct and left your home stream for me!

So are you gonna fertilize my eggs now?

Already taken care of.

Well, we swam away and then we came back.

It's been an interesting life.

And the best part is, it had a happy ending.

NARRATOR: And so the endless circle of life comes to an end,

meaningless and grim.

Why did they live, and why did they die?

No reason.

NARRATOR: The isolated Galapagos Islands.

A veritable pageant of evolutionary science.

Home to dozens of species found nowhere else,

such as Darwin's finches and the marine iguana.

Also the blue-footed booby!

That's fairly interesting! Note the blue coloration of the...

Of all the creatures in the Galapagos,

none is rarer or more tragic than the Pinta Island tortoise.

Only a single living specimen is known lo exist,

Lonesome Hubert.

Sad news, everyone. I'm lonesome.

Hey, would it cheer you up if we gave you a symbiotic parasite cleaning?

Would it? Would it? Would it?

Fine, knock yourself out.

The Galapagos finches eat parasites off the tortoise's skin,

a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Except for the parasite!

How's that, Hubert? Feeling better?

A good be a king usually cheers me right up, but today it's no use.

My species is as good as extinct.

I haven't seen a female of my kind in over 100 years!

There's got to be a lady tortoise out there for you, Hubert.

What about her?

Hey, good looking', I've got a lichen that needs a licking'.

Are you crazy? She's a slightly different subspecies!

See how her shell flares imperceptibly at the neck?

(SHUDDERS) Talk about a cloaca shrinker.

Well, haven't you ever met a girl tortoise

who had that whole "same subspecies" thing going on?

Oh my, yes. When I was a young tortoise of 50,

I met a hot young piece of shell

by a Palo San to tree on the far side of the island.

Let's go look for her! C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!

I've always wondered if she's still there, waiting for me.

But the trip is far too long.

It's only 100 feet!

At my age, it might as well be 200 feet. I'd never make it!

Come on, you can make it! You can do it!

Well, let me think it over.

Let's go already!

(OWL HOOTING) (ALL EXCLAIM)

(SNAKE HISSING)

Watch out!

What brings yous to this part of the isles?

He's gonna eat us!

Don't be such a finch.

We Galapagos tortoises have no natural predators.

That's so fascinating!

I never thought I'd live to see this tree again.

Thank you for staying with me, Fry.

I'm not Fry. I'm his great-great-grandson, Fry.

You are? My beak is different, see?

It evolved a slightly bigger hook over the generations

to help me eat the cactus on this part of the island.

Watch!

I'm stuck!

Oops.

So where's your lady tortoise, Hubert?

Lady what?

Wait, there she is!

After all these years, I've found her!

Oh, my darling! You haven't aged a day!

Should we say something?

Nah. Let him have his fun.

All right. Let's just do what comes naturally.

I'll get things started with a little neck extension...

Then a couple of these...

And here we go!

What the tropical hell are you doing?

(ALL EXCLAIM IN SURPRISE) What?

I've been saving myself for 100 years, and this is how you repay me?

Who is that hard-shelled skank? I'll kill her!

Wait, I can explain...

Shut up!

I'm going to crack that hussy open like a slutty Brazil nut!

(GROANS)

This volcanic archipelago isn't big enough for the both of us.

Yeah, you'd better topple.

You always were a hot-blooded Latina.

NARRATOR: Like all reptiles, the Galapagos tortoise is cold-blooded.

Okay, neck, tap, tap,

climb, climb, and we're back in business.

Should we be watching this? It seems kind of personal.

That's not an issue for us. We're wildlife.

(GASPING MOANS)

What about the moaning? Is it okay to listen?

Sure, but act like it's no big deal.

Just pretend you're eating seeds.

(MOANING CONTINUES)

Is it weird if I talk about his crazy turtle penis?

No.

Well, okay then.

Yes, it's been lovely.

Hang on a second.

(THUDDING)

NARRATOR: The Galapagos tortoise lays a clutch of between six and 15 eggs.

What do you want? I'm 150 years old.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Aren't you going to watch over your young?

Tortoises don't do that, do we?

I sure as hell don't.

Anyway, I've done my part. The species is saved!

(ALL CHEERING)

And so, the survival of the Pinta Island tortoise is assured.

Mama!

And so, the extinction of the Pinta Island tortoise is assured.

Two hundred million years of evolution, snuffed out.

For, in the end, nature is horrific, and teaches us nothing.

Coming up next, the hilarious antics of the elephant seal,

the clown of the sea.

NARRATOR: Of all the spectacles in nature,

few can match the mating ritual of the elephant seal.

Certainly not the salmon. And the tortoise? Yeah, right.

The huge, lumbering males defend patches of beach

to deny their rivals access to the breeding grounds.

Just as in human society,

only the biggest, most obnoxious males have any chance of mating.

Aw, yeah! Survival of the fattest!

The dominant male, or "beach master,”

maintains a harem of up to 50 females.

Okay, harem, let's get to it. Form an orderly heap on top of me.

I like mating with Beach master 'cause he's the largest.

While the Beach master enjoys the spoils of victory...

Whoo! I'm doing' it in my sleep!

The lesser males languish at the edge of the colony,

unable to attract their own harem due to age...

Harem? I can barely see 'em!

Immaturity...

(GIGGLES) I'm scared.

Or other reasons.

Hmm. I don't know, does this kelp scarf make me look fat enough?

It's so unfair. That bloated Casanova gets all the ladies!

Even that one with the exquisite fat rolls.

(BARKS)

(SIGHS)

(SNARLS)

Back off, losers! Stay away from my beaches!

You big bully!

Bite my freshly molted, blubber-filled ass.

You're just a giant lump of fat!

Do you even have an ass under there?

I'm 40% ass! Art, arf!

Now beat it!

(LAUGHS)

NARRATOR: With no hope of defeating the Beach master,

some so-called "sneaky” males adopt a risky strategy,

attempting to mate with one of his harem

while he is asleep or distracted.

So, any of you guys thinking of being a sneaky male this season?

(ALL STAMMERING)

This season?

Walrus don't need no chicanery.

Once a lady goes walrus, she never... She...

No one ever goes walrus.

I'm a little old for it now, but in my prime, I was quite the sneaker.

How did you do it?

Well, while the Beach master was off behind a whale carcass,

loudly fornicating with my beloved mother,

I snuck past and surprised my sweetie with a romantic meal.

A romantic meal?

The search for food takes the elephant seal

to depths few other mammals can reach.

In this pitch-black abyss, life takes on bizarre and horrific forms.

So, welcome to the abyss.

Road trip!

(SNORING)

Kill all penguins...

Kill all penguins.

(SHRIEKS)

What's the matter with you? You just crushed seven of our babies!

Yeah, we can always make more.

Come on, floozies, let's repopulate!

With the Beach master occupied, the sneaky male makes his move.

(GASPS) I can't believe you came! The Beachmaster will kill you if he finds out!

Also, who are you?

I'm in love with you! And I don't care what he thinks.

Here, I brought you something.

Hurray! We're three friends at the beach!

Wait, what's happening, friend?

NARRATOR: The female conveys her receptivity through subtle vocalizations.

Wanna do it?

So soon? Oh, well...

Sneaky male, eh? I thought I told you... (SNARLS)

Oh, my!

Well, nice try. Better luck next season.

You gave it a shot! Pathetic.

Sorry you didn't get to mate.

But, hey, we can still play some beach games.

Who's up for some Twister?

No! We beta males deserve better.

When we're in charge, we'll treat females with respect,

keeping sensible harems of no more than five.

And it begins with me.

Sir, I challenge you to a duel for control of the beach!

(ALL GASP)

Aw...

(LAUGHS)

Hang on...

Okay, let's fight.

That's it. No more Mr. Nice-Jerk.

NARRATOR: The battle will rage for hours,

until both males are exhausted or dead.

Beach master, stop fighting!

He's been dead since yesterday!

What? He's dead?

Whoo! I'm killing' dudes in my sleep! Yo! Clean up!

And so, with the threat lo the Beach master's supremacy eliminated,

order is restored for another year.

Another year, another generation of pups fathered by me, Beach master.

(ALL LAUGHING QUIETLY)

I'm the greatest, baby!

You go, Beach master!

And so concludes our exploration of planet Earth.

For a holographic brain injection of tonight's program,

send $5 to this station, care of me, the narrator.

Good night.

ANNOUNCER: Mutual of Omicron. Have you insured your planet?