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ANNOUNCER:
Futurama presents...
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(READING)
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Brought to you by
Mutual of Omicron.
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Insuring your world,
and its destruction.
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Tonight's planet, a primitive
backwater known only as...
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(READING)
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NARRATOR: Of all
the creatures on Earth,
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none has a more thrilling life
cycle than the intrepid salmon.
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It all begins in a cold,
freshwater stream,
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where the salmon
eggs incubate.
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I'm born, baby!
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The new hatch-lings
are known as "fry."”
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What's your name?
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I don't have a name.
I'm a salmon.
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After three years
in the stream,
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the young salmon are ready for
the arduous journey to the ocean.
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I do look forward to
cavorting in the spray.
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The trip will be dangerous.
Only three in 10 will survive.
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Let's all 10 of
us go together.
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There's safety in numbers.
(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)
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I reckon my boy
will be right pleased
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when I regurgitate
that into his mouth.
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Looming ahead, nature's
waterfall, the cliff of the waters.
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Ah.
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It sure is relaxing getting
swept along by this current.
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Oh, my!
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Oh, dear!
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Oh, yes!
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This just in.
Three dead in foamy plunge.
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(LAUGHS)
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(GROANS)
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Still, six out of 10 alive. That's
considered good for our species!
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Five out of 10, also nice.
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Yep.
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NARRATOR: And so the salmon
reach the ocean, birthplace of all life.
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Except the salmon.
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Hello. Who are you?
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I'm a salmon.
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Really? Me, too!
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No way!
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So, hey, I don't
want to be too forward,
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but I'd like to mate with you in a
few years when we're sexually mature.
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I'd like that.
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Oh!
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What have we here?
I'm a Pisces. And you?
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Also Pisces.
We're all Pisces.
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Then it's a date. I'll see
you at spawning time.
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No, thanks. I've
already found my mate.
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You haven't
ignored the last of me.
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(ROMANTIC POP MUSIC PLAYING)
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NARRATOR: Having reached maturity,
it is time for the salmon to spawn.
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Thus begins their
1000-mile journey
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back to the exact stream
in which they were born.
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So how do we
find our way home?
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Nobody knows!
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Experts are unsure whether
salmon navigate by memory,
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sense of smell, or by detecting
variations in Earth's magnetic field.
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Okay, everybody do
one of those three things.
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Well, this is it.
Home, stream home.
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No, it isn't! I was born
in the next stream up.
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You're from Next
Stream Up? So am I !
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I can tell by the magnets
in my head, or whatever.
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Let's go!
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The urge to spawn
drives the salmon
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inexorably toward
the stream of its birth.
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Stupid body! Why won't you go
to that other stream?
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Nobody knows!
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I just told you!
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Goodbye! It was fun
maturing with you,
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but at this point
in my life cycle,
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I need a mate who's
within squirting distance.
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I'll never forget you, fish.
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Come on, loxy lady, it's time
for us to get naughty by nature!
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No!
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(ALL FISH CLAMORING)
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Well, here goes something...
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Don't make it...
Don't make it!
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Son of a fish!
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Jumping is for suckers.
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I'm good!
Who wants a piece of me?
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I'll try a bite!
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NARRATOR: Having completed
its perilous journey,
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the exhausted salmon enters
the final phase of its life cycle.
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The female deposits her eggs
and the male fertilizes them.
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Okay, who's next?
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There's a lot more
where that came from!
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(COUGHS)
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I can't see them anymore!
What if they're mating?
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Who cares? Just
release your milt already!
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Everybody's doing it!
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No! I refuse
to release anything
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unless it's in the vicinity of
the eggs of the fish I love!
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(BOTH COUGHING)
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Tell my offspring I
loved me very much...
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(GASPS)
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00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:15,082
Oh, yeah.
Plop those roundies.
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(GASPING)
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(GROANING)
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All right, step aside. Time
to let my bad boys loose.
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I am Brrr,
devourer of fish and honey!
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(GASPING)
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I'm coming, darling!
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I shouldn't,
but who's counting?
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Help! Fish police!
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Two salmon for dinner?
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What? It's spawning season!
It's a bear holiday!
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That is what you said when
you found those Boy Scouts!
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Next you'll be telling me
I can't crap in the woods!
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That's it!
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We're hibernating in
separate caves this winter!
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My love!
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You made it!
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You overcame salmon instinct
and left your home stream for me!
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So are you gonna
fertilize my eggs now?
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Already taken care of.
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Well, we swam away
and then we came back.
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It's been
an interesting life.
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And the best part is,
it had a happy ending.
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NARRATOR: And so the endless
circle of life comes to an end,
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meaningless and grim.
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Why did they live,
and why did they die?
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No reason.
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NARRATOR: The isolated
Galapagos Islands.
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A veritable pageant
of evolutionary science.
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Home to dozens of species
found nowhere else,
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such as Darwin's finches
and the marine iguana.
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Also the blue-footed booby!
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That's fairly interesting! Note
the blue coloration of the...
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Of all the creatures
in the Galapagos,
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none is rarer or more tragic
than the Pinta Island tortoise.
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Only a single living specimen
is known lo exist,
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Lonesome Hubert.
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Sad news, everyone.
I'm lonesome.
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Hey, would it cheer you up if we
gave you a symbiotic parasite cleaning?
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Would it? Would it?
Would it?
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Fine, knock yourself out.
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The Galapagos finches eat
parasites off the tortoise's skin,
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a mutually
beneficial arrangement.
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Except for the parasite!
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00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,819
How's that, Hubert?
Feeling better?
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A good be a king usually cheers
me right up, but today it's no use.
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My species is as
good as extinct.
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I haven't seen a female of
my kind in over 100 years!
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00:09:00,330 --> 00:09:03,083
There's got to be a lady
tortoise out there for you, Hubert.
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00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,543
What about her?
146
00:09:04,918 --> 00:09:08,797
Hey, good looking', I've got
a lichen that needs a licking'.
147
00:09:09,173 --> 00:09:12,801
Are you crazy? She's a
slightly different subspecies!
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00:09:12,968 --> 00:09:15,971
See how her shell flares
imperceptibly at the neck?
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00:09:16,346 --> 00:09:18,932
(SHUDDERS) Talk about
a cloaca shrinker.
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00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:20,976
Well, haven't you
ever met a girl tortoise
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00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:24,313
who had that whole "same
subspecies" thing going on?
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00:09:24,396 --> 00:09:28,734
Oh my, yes. When I was
a young tortoise of 50,
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I met a hot young
piece of shell
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00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:34,323
by a Palo San to tree on
the far side of the island.
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00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:37,326
Let's go look for her!
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
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00:09:37,659 --> 00:09:41,914
I've always wondered if
she's still there, waiting for me.
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00:09:41,997 --> 00:09:44,333
But the trip is far too long.
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It's only 100 feet!
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At my age, it might as well
be 200 feet. I'd never make it!
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00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:53,092
Come on, you can
make it! You can do it!
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Well, let me think it over.
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Let's go already!
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(OWL HOOTING)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
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(SNAKE HISSING)
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Watch out!
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What brings yous to
this part of the isles?
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00:10:28,627 --> 00:10:29,878
He's gonna eat us!
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00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:31,547
Don't be such a finch.
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00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:35,050
We Galapagos tortoises
have no natural predators.
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00:10:35,467 --> 00:10:37,219
That's so fascinating!
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I never thought I'd live
to see this tree again.
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Thank you for
staying with me, Fry.
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I'm not Fry. I'm his
great-great-grandson, Fry.
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You are?
My beak is different, see?
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It evolved a slightly bigger
hook over the generations
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to help me eat the cactus
on this part of the island.
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00:11:10,752 --> 00:11:11,879
Watch!
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00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,047
I'm stuck!
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Oops.
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00:11:15,340 --> 00:11:17,176
So where's your
lady tortoise, Hubert?
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Lady what?
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Wait, there she is!
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00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:23,765
After all these years,
I've found her!
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00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:29,104
Oh, my darling!
You haven't aged a day!
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00:11:29,813 --> 00:11:30,981
Should we say something?
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00:11:31,064 --> 00:11:32,941
Nah. Let him have his fun.
187
00:11:33,108 --> 00:11:37,112
All right. Let's just do
what comes naturally.
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00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:40,949
I'll get things started with
a little neck extension...
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00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,202
Then a couple
of these...
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00:11:44,703 --> 00:11:46,246
And here we go!
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00:11:47,956 --> 00:11:50,792
What the tropical
hell are you doing?
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00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:52,461
(ALL EXCLAIM IN SURPRISE)
What?
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00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:57,633
I've been saving myself for 100
years, and this is how you repay me?
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00:11:57,716 --> 00:12:00,260
Who is that hard-shelled
skank? I'll kill her!
195
00:12:00,719 --> 00:12:01,887
Wait, I can explain...
196
00:12:02,012 --> 00:12:03,222
Shut up!
197
00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:07,267
I'm going to crack that hussy
open like a slutty Brazil nut!
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00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:14,316
(GROANS)
199
00:12:14,691 --> 00:12:18,695
This volcanic archipelago isn't
big enough for the both of us.
200
00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:25,285
Yeah, you'd better topple.
201
00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:28,705
You always were
a hot-blooded Latina.
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00:12:28,997 --> 00:12:32,376
NARRATOR: Like all reptiles, the
Galapagos tortoise is cold-blooded.
203
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:36,004
Okay, neck, tap, tap,
204
00:12:36,338 --> 00:12:40,884
climb, climb,
and we're back in business.
205
00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:44,763
Should we be watching this?
It seems kind of personal.
206
00:12:44,846 --> 00:12:47,599
That's not an issue for us.
We're wildlife.
207
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,935
(GASPING MOANS)
208
00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:53,355
What about the moaning?
Is it okay to listen?
209
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,691
Sure, but act like
it's no big deal.
210
00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:58,026
Just pretend
you're eating seeds.
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00:12:58,235 --> 00:13:00,153
(MOANING CONTINUES)
212
00:13:01,488 --> 00:13:04,366
Is it weird if I talk about
his crazy turtle penis?
213
00:13:04,783 --> 00:13:05,826
No.
214
00:13:12,582 --> 00:13:14,710
Well, okay then.
215
00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:16,670
Yes, it's been lovely.
216
00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:18,255
Hang on a second.
217
00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:21,883
(THUDDING)
218
00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:27,222
NARRATOR: The Galapagos tortoise
lays a clutch of between six and 15 eggs.
219
00:13:27,431 --> 00:13:30,392
What do you want?
I'm 150 years old.
220
00:13:34,771 --> 00:13:36,398
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait!
221
00:13:36,606 --> 00:13:38,275
Aren't you going
to watch over your young?
222
00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:40,986
Tortoises don't
do that, do we?
223
00:13:41,069 --> 00:13:42,863
I sure as hell don't.
224
00:13:43,488 --> 00:13:47,409
Anyway, I've done my part.
The species is saved!
225
00:13:47,534 --> 00:13:49,202
(ALL CHEERING)
226
00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:55,083
And so, the survival of the
Pinta Island tortoise is assured.
227
00:14:10,098 --> 00:14:11,183
Mama!
228
00:14:13,852 --> 00:14:18,273
And so, the extinction of the
Pinta Island tortoise is assured.
229
00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:22,611
Two hundred million years
of evolution, snuffed out.
230
00:14:22,944 --> 00:14:27,282
For, in the end, nature is
horrific, and teaches us nothing.
231
00:14:27,783 --> 00:14:31,661
Coming up next, the hilarious
antics of the elephant seal,
232
00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:33,955
the clown of the sea.
233
00:14:43,131 --> 00:14:45,300
NARRATOR: Of all
the spectacles in nature,
234
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:48,804
few can match the mating
ritual of the elephant seal.
235
00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:53,141
Certainly not the salmon.
And the tortoise? Yeah, right.
236
00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:56,937
The huge, lumbering males
defend patches of beach
237
00:14:57,020 --> 00:15:00,190
to deny their rivals access
to the breeding grounds.
238
00:15:00,690 --> 00:15:02,567
Just as in human society,
239
00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:06,905
only the biggest, most obnoxious
males have any chance of mating.
240
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:09,741
Aw, yeah!
Survival of the fattest!
241
00:15:09,825 --> 00:15:12,619
The dominant male,
or "beach master,”
242
00:15:12,744 --> 00:15:15,539
maintains a harem
of up to 50 females.
243
00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:20,001
Okay, harem, let's get to it.
Form an orderly heap on top of me.
244
00:15:21,169 --> 00:15:24,256
I like mating with Beach
master 'cause he's the largest.
245
00:15:24,631 --> 00:15:27,676
While the Beach master enjoys
the spoils of victory...
246
00:15:27,759 --> 00:15:30,095
Whoo! I'm doing' it
in my sleep!
247
00:15:30,178 --> 00:15:33,557
The lesser males languish
at the edge of the colony,
248
00:15:33,765 --> 00:15:36,643
unable to attract their own
harem due to age...
249
00:15:36,726 --> 00:15:38,645
Harem? I can barely see 'em!
250
00:15:39,020 --> 00:15:40,480
Immaturity...
251
00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:42,274
(GIGGLES)
I'm scared.
252
00:15:42,357 --> 00:15:43,984
Or other reasons.
253
00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:48,822
Hmm. I don't know, does this
kelp scarf make me look fat enough?
254
00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:54,953
It's so unfair. That bloated
Casanova gets all the ladies!
255
00:15:55,036 --> 00:15:58,165
Even that one with
the exquisite fat rolls.
256
00:16:01,209 --> 00:16:02,377
(BARKS)
257
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:03,462
(SIGHS)
258
00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:05,172
(SNARLS)
259
00:16:05,672 --> 00:16:08,800
Back off, losers!
Stay away from my beaches!
260
00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,469
You big bully!
261
00:16:10,552 --> 00:16:13,889
Bite my freshly molted,
blubber-filled ass.
262
00:16:14,097 --> 00:16:15,807
You're just
a giant lump of fat!
263
00:16:15,932 --> 00:16:17,642
Do you even have
an ass under there?
264
00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:20,395
I'm 40% ass!
Art, arf!
265
00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:21,938
Now beat it!
266
00:16:23,231 --> 00:16:24,774
(LAUGHS)
267
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:27,652
NARRATOR: With no hope
of defeating the Beach master,
268
00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:31,490
some so-called "sneaky” males
adopt a risky strategy,
269
00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:33,533
attempting to mate
with one of his harem
270
00:16:33,658 --> 00:16:35,619
while he is
asleep or distracted.
271
00:16:36,119 --> 00:16:39,372
So, any of you guys thinking of
being a sneaky male this season?
272
00:16:39,789 --> 00:16:40,832
(ALL STAMMERING)
273
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:42,375
This season?
274
00:16:42,459 --> 00:16:44,503
Walrus don't
need no chicanery.
275
00:16:44,586 --> 00:16:48,590
Once a lady goes walrus,
she never... She...
276
00:16:49,090 --> 00:16:51,051
No one ever goes walrus.
277
00:16:51,426 --> 00:16:56,014
I'm a little old for it now, but in
my prime, I was quite the sneaker.
278
00:16:56,097 --> 00:16:57,098
How did you do it?
279
00:16:57,307 --> 00:17:01,186
Well, while the Beach master
was off behind a whale carcass,
280
00:17:01,269 --> 00:17:03,897
loudly fornicating
with my beloved mother,
281
00:17:04,105 --> 00:17:09,110
I snuck past and surprised my
sweetie with a romantic meal.
282
00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:10,987
A romantic meal?
283
00:17:13,281 --> 00:17:15,784
The search for food
takes the elephant seal
284
00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:18,453
to depths few other
mammals can reach.
285
00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:27,921
In this pitch-black abyss, life
takes on bizarre and horrific forms.
286
00:17:28,296 --> 00:17:30,298
So, welcome to the abyss.
287
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,134
Road trip!
288
00:17:33,593 --> 00:17:34,803
(SNORING)
289
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:36,721
Kill all penguins...
290
00:17:38,306 --> 00:17:39,849
Kill all penguins.
291
00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:41,184
(SHRIEKS)
292
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:45,480
What's the matter with you? You
just crushed seven of our babies!
293
00:17:45,689 --> 00:17:47,649
Yeah, we can
always make more.
294
00:17:47,732 --> 00:17:50,068
Come on, floozies,
let's repopulate!
295
00:17:50,610 --> 00:17:55,073
With the Beach master occupied,
the sneaky male makes his move.
296
00:17:57,367 --> 00:18:02,455
(GASPS) I can't believe you came! The
Beachmaster will kill you if he finds out!
297
00:18:02,706 --> 00:18:04,165
Also, who are you?
298
00:18:05,208 --> 00:18:08,253
I'm in love with you! And I
don't care what he thinks.
299
00:18:08,336 --> 00:18:10,171
Here, I brought you
something.
300
00:18:11,339 --> 00:18:13,633
Hurray! We're three
friends at the beach!
301
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:18,179
Wait, what's happening,
friend?
302
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:21,975
NARRATOR: The female conveys her
receptivity through subtle vocalizations.
303
00:18:22,642 --> 00:18:23,685
Wanna do it?
304
00:18:23,852 --> 00:18:25,812
So soon? Oh, well...
305
00:18:29,649 --> 00:18:33,403
Sneaky male, eh? I thought
I told you... (SNARLS)
306
00:18:33,528 --> 00:18:34,863
Oh, my!
307
00:18:36,489 --> 00:18:37,616
Well, nice try.
Better luck next season.
308
00:18:37,699 --> 00:18:39,367
You gave it a shot!
Pathetic.
309
00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:50,045
Sorry you didn't
get to mate.
310
00:18:50,128 --> 00:18:52,380
But, hey, we can still
play some beach games.
311
00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:54,507
Who's up for some Twister?
312
00:18:54,758 --> 00:18:57,510
No! We beta males
deserve better.
313
00:18:57,594 --> 00:19:00,680
When we're in charge, we'll
treat females with respect,
314
00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:03,767
keeping sensible harems
of no more than five.
315
00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:06,144
And it begins with me.
316
00:19:07,228 --> 00:19:10,899
Sir, I challenge you to a
duel for control of the beach!
317
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:12,651
(ALL GASP)
318
00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:13,985
Aw...
319
00:19:15,111 --> 00:19:16,404
(LAUGHS)
320
00:19:20,992 --> 00:19:22,911
Hang on...
321
00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:30,502
Okay, let's fight.
322
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:36,424
That's it.
No more Mr. Nice-Jerk.
323
00:19:44,557 --> 00:19:46,476
NARRATOR: The battle
will rage for hours,
324
00:19:46,559 --> 00:19:49,896
until both males
are exhausted or dead.
325
00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:04,744
Beach master, stop fighting!
326
00:20:04,828 --> 00:20:06,788
He's been dead
since yesterday!
327
00:20:07,455 --> 00:20:08,915
What? He's dead?
328
00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:13,962
Whoo! I'm killing' dudes
in my sleep! Yo! Clean up!
329
00:20:20,468 --> 00:20:24,639
And so, with the threat lo the
Beach master's supremacy eliminated,
330
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:27,225
order is restored
for another year.
331
00:20:27,475 --> 00:20:32,814
Another year, another generation of
pups fathered by me, Beach master.
332
00:20:33,231 --> 00:20:35,066
(ALL LAUGHING QUIETLY)
333
00:20:36,192 --> 00:20:37,694
I'm the greatest, baby!
334
00:20:37,777 --> 00:20:39,821
You go, Beach master!
335
00:20:40,613 --> 00:20:44,367
And so concludes our
exploration of planet Earth.
336
00:20:44,451 --> 00:20:47,412
For a holographic brain
injection of tonight's program,
337
00:20:47,495 --> 00:20:51,499
send $5 to this station,
care of me, the narrator.
338
00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:52,876
Good night.
339
00:20:52,959 --> 00:20:57,088
ANNOUNCER: Mutual of Omicron.
Have you insured your planet?
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