All language subtitles for Futurama S07E04 - The Thief of Baghead

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

As the curtain rises on our
verisimilitudinous tableau,

you're no doubt curious
as to why I tricked you all

into hang gliding here.

Close-up.

It seems someone in this room
is a murderer.

(BOTH GASP)

It's me.
But the real question is,

which of you is the victim?

And that secret I
shall take to my grave.

Calculon, no!

(GROANING)

(CALCULON CHOKING)

Now, that's acting.

Calculon really Shatnered
the hell out of that scene.

Hey, anyone want to
go to the aquarium?

They got a new
non-biting otter.

Sounds great!
Non-biting otter!

Wow. Aquariums have really
changed since I was a boy

and no one ever
took me to them.

Where's the glass?

There isn't any. The water's
held in place by gravity fields

so there's nothing
for kids to smear yogurt on.

I like strawberry yogurt.
Can I touch the water?

I wouldn't,
but I'm smart.

Ahhh!

Help. Police.

Neat.

Welcome to Jurassic Tank.

Picture time.
Everybody get together.

(ALL GRUMBLE)

Hang on, I need a tripod. Let
me just extend the old third leg.

(WHIRRING)

Ooh, yeah. That's stable,
baby. Just need to pick a lens.

Let's see, zoom lens?

Nope.

They Live lens?

Eh... So-so.

Twilight Zone
one-minute-in-the-future lens?

Ooh, Calculon's going to be
here. Better get my camera ready.

Just take
the damn picture.

Let me just adjust the focus,
F-stop, shutter speed.

Oops! Out of film. Hang on.

(ALL GRUMBLE)
Seriously.

Film? Who uses filim?

We've had digital cameras
for a thousand years.

Digital? (SPITS)

No digital camera can capture the
warmth and grain of good old film.

How can you even tell?
Your eyes are digital cameras.

And where can you possibly get
film developed nowadays?

Right here.

You're looking at the last
chemical darkroom in existence.

Hey, Bender,
isn't that Calculon?

Calculon? No way!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Yo, Calky! I'm a big fan,
and I've got a big camera.

Can I get a big picture?

(SIGHS)

Well, I was just airbrushed
this morning, so all right.

But make it snappy.

That looked staged.

Try one where you're pretending
to swing a tennis racket.

Okay, okay, that's enough.

I'm trying to
enjoy a nice day out

with the actors who
play my TV family.

These rare and
fascinating deep-sea fish

are extremely
sensitive to light.

Over here, Calculon! Come
on, smile. Quit blinking. Red eye.

Blurry. Lens cap's still on.

CALCULON: Oh! We finally
eluded that obnoxious shutterbug.

At last, we can enjoy our
studio-mandated quality time.

(GIGGLING)

Argh! I can't not
work like this.

I'll be in my
day-off trailer.

(BENDER SCREAMS AND BURBLES)

And I took this one inside
the ichthyosaur's stomach.

(LAUGHS) Man, I've never had
anyone try so hard to digest me.

Look, we've all been
in a sea monster's stomach.

But did you get any pictures
of the Calculon?

Yeah, but a true photo buff wouldn't
even use these for toilet paper.

Not if curtains
were available.

You're too hard
on yourself, robot.

These pictures
are just as good

as the ones in my
celebrity tabloid.

LEELA: Us People Magazine?

That's total trash.

Total celebrity trash.

My inquiring
organ wants to know.

If you ask me,

Bender should go to Us
People's office in Hollywood

and see if they'd like his
Calculon pictures. (SCOFFS)

I have no time for
such foolishness.

Well, I changed my mind and
came to Hollywood after all.

Bender, these shots
of Calculon are great.

In fact, you might just have
what it takes to be a paparazzo.

Namely, a camera.

Shut up. I know it.

Wait, a what's-a-whatzo?

A paparazzo. You know,
a celebrity photographer.

But it's not for everyone.

You'd have to wallow
in Hollywood filth,

loiter in dark alleys
behind seedy nightclubs

and get spat on by
the beautiful people.

Hmm, I don't know.
How much will it cost me?

You misunderstand, Bender.
We'll pay you.

Sir, you just hired yourself
a new what's-a-whatzo.

(SLURPING)

Listen up, gang, I'd like
to introduce you to Bender,

the newest member
of our paparazzo family.

Nice to meet you. And even
though it's only my first day,

I want you all to know that
I'm already better than you.

Stay out of my way!
(SLURPING)

(INAUDIBLE)

I'm back, Crab Dip.
What you watching?

Only a documentary about
the greatest actor in the world.

Ah, yes, Calculon.

I happened to
snap a picture of him

taking some time
with his biggest fan.

No, not that
scene-chewing ham.

I said the greatest actor, Langdon
Cobb. Let's rewind, shall we?

NARRATOR: Langdon Cobb, the
most acclaimed actor of his generation.

Why's he wearing
a bag on his head?

They're explaining
that right now.

(SIGHS) Let's rewind again.

NARRATOR: ...most acclaimed
actor of his generation.

He's raked in seven
Academy Awards for best actor

and two for best actress,

all without ever removing
his trademark bag.

Mr. Cobb, you're
an intensely private man.

Quite right.
Mmm-hmm.

And though billions of people
have seen your work... Mmm-hmm.

...no one has ever
seen your face.

So tell us, why the bag?

Ah, yes, the bag. I've never
understood people's fascination with that.

The point is, I'm
an actor and nothing more.

I have no interest
in being admired

for something as
inconsequential

as my appearance
or my personal life.

All that truly matters
is the process.

NARRATOR: Whether playing
a beloved historical figure.

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT)
For Rigel 7 and all mankind!

Or a Victorian circus freak...

I want to see the real you.

No, Daisy, don't!

I tried to warn you.
I'm hideous.

To me, you're beautiful.

(SMOOCHING)

NARRATOR: ...Langdon Cobb's
acting is always in the bag.

Truly, his is the most
famous face in Hollywood.

Even if no one's ever
photographed it, nor ever will.

Once again, television has
given me a reason to live.

A photo of Langdon Cobb
without his bag? Impossible.

He's got a 50-foot-high
force field around his house.

BENDER: One 60-foot
ladder, please.

(CHUCKLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(CHUCKLING)

(GROWLING)

Oh!

What are you, some
kind of attack fungus?

Or just a moldy schnauzer?

(GROWLING)
(YELLING)

Oh, God, please let this
tacky Hollywood mansion

have the obligatory... Yes!
Tuscan-inspired pergola!

(CHUCKLES)

Peace out, Portobello.

Thank you, Leroy.

I'm going to relax by the fire
with my bag off,

so that will be
all for the night.

By your command.

Come to paparazzo.

(GASPS)

Gotcha
No!

Please, sir, I implore you,
destroy that photo of me.

It's not just my privacy I've
been protecting all these years.

If you show
anyone that picture,

there will be
terrible consequences.

The only thing terrible is
going to be my bank account.

Wait. Say that again, but say,
"Tremendous consequences."

If it's money you're after,
I'll pay whatever you ask.

Just promise me you'll never
show that photo to anyone.

I swear on my
honor as a paparazzo.

Hey, Fry, want
to see a picture?

Sure.

Hmm... He looked at
the photo and that happened.

But it could just
be a coincidence.

Yo, Amy, check it out.

The evidence is mounting.

Although two times
hardly establishes a pattern.

I'd feel more
comfortable raising the alarm

if I were
a little more certain.

Hey, how'd those two
get deflated?

They looked at this.

(GASPS)

That proves it.

Looking at this
photo of Langdon Cobb

has a horrific effect
on living creatures.

Hey, ZOIDBERG, look at
this photo of Langdon Cobb.

What, a picture
of Langdon Cobb?

Now, this I want to see
as clearly as possible.

ZOIDBERG, no!

(MUTTERING ANGRILY)

Oh, thank God, Professor.
You got here just in time.

FARNSWORTH:
I've seen this before.

Langdon Cobb must
be from Bryoria Six,

home of the quantum
lichen people.

Well, that explains that.

They're attention parasites. They
feed on the admiration of their prey.

Just like
the noble buffalo.

Nothing like a buffalo.

Anyone who pays attention to
the lichen is unknowingly feeding it.

But gaze upon its face,
even in a photograph,

and your very life force will be
sucked out, leaving you a flaccid husk.

So the picture robbed
them of their souls?

Souls? Don't be ridiculous. It's
their life forces that have been stolen.

It's scientific.

That's why the robot's immune.
He has no soul.

Life force!

So, how do we get
their life forces back?

If we poke a hole
in Cobb's bag,

will they spew out like a volcano
built on an Indian graveyard?

Alas, it's not that simple.

You see, just as
the Earth lichen

is composed of
an algae and a fungus,

the quantum variety is also
composed of two separate parts.

An attractive algae-based id
and a ravenous fungus-based ego

that stores the stolen souls.
I mean, life forces.

Now, here's the weird part.

The ego and the id
are connected

not physically, like decent,
God-fearing Earth lichens,

but by quantum entanglement.

So the id is Langdon Cobb,
but this fungus ego could be...

Anywhere!
We'll never find it.

Let's just give up and
go to the aquarium again.

Now, hold on. I feel like I was
chased by a mushroom recently.

Of course! The guard
dog at Cobb's estate.

That's the ego.

All right, let's go. It'll be
just like stomping a puppy.

No, no, no. Subduing an
actor's ego IS no easy task.

We'll have to weaken it first.

Look, I own words
that are helpful.

It says the World Acting
Championship is tonight in Hollywood.

Quiet, ZOIDBERG.
God, I wish you were a husk.

No, it's Langdon Cobb
versus Calculon.

If we help Calculon win, it will
weaken Cobb's ego, maybe?

Yes, yes, fine.

(WHINING) We never go
where I want to go.

So, the most galling of the
paparazzi needs my help.

Lo, the worm has turned.

Say cheese,
Calculon without makeup.

(SIGHS) As much as I hate you,
I hate Langdon Cobb more.

He beats me out
for every award,

every role,
every paternity suit.

Besting him at acting means
more to me than life itself.

And we want to help you.

Now, your only chance
is a classic death scene.

One with a lot of
"thy's" and "thou's."

Voila. The tragic end of
Rome O. and Julie T.

That's Romeo and Juliet,
dummy, by Will.I.am Shakespeare.

Now, here's the poison that
Romeo uses to kill himself.

Don't worry, it's just water
and food coloring.

Food coloring?

The most poisonous substance
known to robots?

Oops! Sorry. I'll swap it out
for harmless battery acid.

No. Wait.

There's only one
way to ensure victory.

I must perform
the ultimate death scene.

I shall drink the actual
poison and actually die.

But, Calculon,
you can't kill yourself.

I'm a celebrity.
I can kill anyone I want.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Call it in the air.

Comedy.

It's tragedy. Langdon Cobb
will be first to take the stage.

Bossy to Stinky.
Come in, Stinky.

DR. ZOIDBERG:
I always come in stinky.

LEELA: Stand by. The
competition's about to begin.

Oh!

Hold your fire until Calculon's
performance weakens the ego.

Roger. Stinky over.

Who of! I beg to differ.

(IN BOSTON ACCENT)
I wish it had been me, Sully.

I wish it had been me
off-duty in the Garden

when those drug lords
blew up the Celtics.

But I was drunk, wicked drunk.

Uh-oh. Cobb's doing a scene
from Be an town Buddies.

The audience is eating it up.
Professor, what's your status?

Not good.

The attention Cobb's
receiving is inflating his ego.

It's going totally Kan ye.

Wow!

There's a humongous
fungus among us.

Oh, Sully, you were the
best partner I ever had,

both on the beat

and in the sack.

(SOBBING)
That's right, I said it.

I said it.

(WAILING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

A tough act to follow.

And now, to follow that act,

performing the death scene
from Romeo and Juliet,

seven-time Oscar runner-up,
Calculon!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(CLAPPING SLOWLY)

Ah, dear Juliet,

why art thou yet so fair?

I will stay with thee

and never from this palace
of dim night depart again.

Oh, here will I set
up my everlasting rest

and shake the yoke of inauspicious
stars from this world-wearied flesh.

Eyes, look your last.

Arms, take your last embrace.

And lips, oh, you, the doors of
breath, seal with a righteous kiss.

(WHISPERING)

Here's to my love.

(GROANING)

(CHOKING)

I can't believe
he really did it.

(SNIFFLES) At least he died
knowing I was great.

(CHOKES)

(GROANS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Uh-oh.

That death scene
was almost half believable.

Cobb looks jealous and
insecure. How's his ego doing?

It's shrinking. Faster,
Professor, Kill, Kill.

Activating anti-fungal ray.

(HUMMING)

It just has to warm up
for about 15 minutes.

(GROWLS)
(BOTH GASP)

Ladies and
gentlemen and smizmars,

we have a unanimous decision.

The winner and Heavyweight
Acting Champion of the world,

Langdon Cobb!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Huh.

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks.

Oh, God, he's basking
in their admiration.

That ego must be at
least four feet tall by now.

(GROWLING)
(AUDIENCE SCREAMING)

Aw! Did you miss me, pookie?

Ow!
Oh!

I can't watch.
I better take some pictures.

Wait a minute.

When living creatures
look at Cobb's photo,

their life force
gets sucked out.

And Cobb's a living creature.

I just need to show him
a picture of himself.

But I tore up
the only picture of Cobb.

And everybody knows,

once you delete a photo,
it's gone forever.

Maybe a digital photo,

but with film,
I still have the negative.

Hurry,
make a new print.

I don't know how long I
can distract Cobb's ego.

Okay. I'll be in the darkroom.

(YELLING)

Eh... Contrast is
a little off on this one.

(GRUNTING)

Oh!

Bender, hurry up!

This one is really good.

But I can still do better.

Who are you people?
Why are you attacking my ego?

You stole our
friends' life forces.

Ah, yes. I warned the robot,
but he wouldn't listen.

You see, I was once like
the rest of my species,

showing my face to one planet,
draining its life force and moving on.

But when I got to Earth, I
found a different kind of prey.

Explain. Oh!

You Earthlings worship
celebrity with such fervor

that I can survive simply
by milking your admiration.

Milking and milking it through
what we actors call "the process."

Oh, God,
just kill us already.

But you all discovered my
secret. And for that, you will pay.

Look at me!
If we do,

will you stop
talking about the process?

Never. Behold!

(COBB LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

I'll save you,
Leela, Professor and ZOIDBERG.

Oops!

Nonetheless,
I finally nailed it.

Gaze upon this
photo of yourself

and start squirting
out some soul-arrhea.

It doesn't work
that way, you imbecile.

Although it's really
quite a nice portrait.

The contrast is exquisite.

And the composition sublime.

I look spectacular.

Aw, man. My great photo
only made his ego bigger.

No. No!

Oh!

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE)

Hey, Calculon's dead.

What happened?
Did you save us, Leela?

Actually, no.
For once, it was Bender.

Really? Well, thanks
for whatever you did, Bender.

It was a lot, and you'll
never be able to pay me back.

Now, gather round, friends,

SO we can commemorate this
moment in a photo.

(ALL CHEERING)

I got to admit,

this time, it'll be a pleasure
to be in your picture.

Say, "Bender is great."

ALL: Bender is great!

BENDER: Neat.