Original subtitles

(ALARM WAILING)

FARNSWORTH: Planet Express crew, report to headquarters immediately!

Repeat, what I just said, immediately!

Sorry, Randy. Ah!

Step away from the car, and no one gets hurt!

(GROANS)

To the employment cave!

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

Thanks, dear. Off to work.

(URGING)

Whoa, whoa, there, girl.

Go on, now! Get on back to Paraguay!

(BRAYING)

(GROWLING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

We're being eaten by a giant spider!

There's no time for that! The Professor needs us!

Crew, as you know,

I've delivered a lot of good news in the past.

But what I'm about to lay down is by far the greatest announcement

in the history of Planet Express!

(ALL MURMURING)

What is it? I'm on the edge of my butt.

Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on our amazing new

soda machine!

(ALL CHEERING)

That's what I'm talking about!

You undersold it, Professor!

Look, it has Slurm Loco! It's the extreme-iest!

Hey, what can I get y'all?

Wow, you can talk? Shut up and give me a Slurm Loco.

(GULPS) Ooh! ooh!

Hey, drink machine, what kind of alcoholic sodas you got?

Y'all can't drink at work! This ain't a sawmill!

No alcohol? (SCOFFS)

And you got the nerve to call yourself a beverage machine?

I call myself Bev.

And if you're looking for a smelly old can of booze,

go look in the mirror.

Oh, snap. Ooh...

No, no, everybody calm down.

Yeah, I need one more Slurm.

And one more to wash that Slurm taste out of my mouth.

So I went to the bathroom, and my pee was green. Pretty neat, huh?

I was wondering who Shrekked in the toilet.

I hope you're proud of yourself, Bev.

You've turned this perfectly worthless loser into an addict.

Cut me some slack, preacher.

I'm just a coal grinder's daughter trying to stay off the pole.

With that big old caboose, it'd have to be a telephone pole!

Hey-o!

(LAUGHS)

Well, I guess a fellow's got to talk big

when he's sporting a little shrivel-led up antenna like that.

What? (SPUTTERING)

For your information, "Madam," it's a grower, not a shower!

My antenna's fine. It's just fine.

Ladies can't get enough Bender.

I need to loosen up. Give me a screwdriver.

Hello. Who's your hot, dumb friend?

Me? Me?

Sure, why not.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hang on. It's too bright in here.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like a little romance in an orgy.

Let me switch off this weird light.

Ow!

Fry, it's 2.00 a.m.

What are you doing here glowing on my skanks?

Just sitting here turning quarters into urine.

We don't got to put up with this.

We got Poli Sci degrees.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on.

I'll just politely escort him to the gutter.

Scram, shiny! (GRUNTS)

All right, how we feeling?

Hot. I could bake a potato in my cleavage.

Yeah, I need a seltzer.

(SIGHS)

I'd be honored to purchase you some refreshment.

Hey, drink machine, you got anything

classy for these delicate flowers?

I ain't making drinks for no trashy robo-sluts.

Trashy? At least I don't put out for quarters.

(GROWLS)

(BOTH PROTESTING)

Hey!

Hey. Stop that, drink machine.

Stop it, I say.

That's it, we're out of here.

Come on. We'll split a blintz.

Wait, give me a chance to defend your honor

and then sully it on the couch.

All right, I've been waiting all day for an excuse to hit a lady.

You try it, and I'll bash your face in.

Ooh, I'm so scared, No-Arms.

(GROANS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

You want some of this?

(GROANING)

(BOTH MOANING)

Interesting. Hmm.

Uh, Fry? You're glowing like the Human Torch on prom night.

Shouldn't you be standing on a rocky coast somewhere preventing shipwrecks?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Nice, hate me because of the brightness of my skin.

(GROANING)

You okay, ma'am? I think your soda water broke.

(GRUNTING)

(BABY SOBBING)

My God! Bev just had a baby in my cup!

(ALL GROANING)

I know, right?

I better take that.

Aw!

He's so cute. Wait. No, he isn't.

He looks like Bender!

(ALL GASPING)

Oh, no, no, no. No way am I that kid's dad!

Wipe my tiny metal ass!

Aw, crap.

Mama, thirsty.

Hang on, dumpling. My milk's coming in.

Ugh!

In public?

Aw, biscuits! I'm a father?

How did this happen?

Does this ring a bell?

Are you telling me the stuff we did in private,

and also twice on the sidewalk, made a baby robot? How?

Aw, Bender, didn't your mom ever tell you where robot babies come from?

No. She was a religious fundamentalist.

Plus she didn't have a mouth. It's an unusual combination.

Come on, everyone, let's take Bender to the teen center

to learn about the bots and the bees!

It's okay, Bender.

No one here will laugh at you for not knowing

where robot babies come from.

(ALL LAUGHING)

ALL: Aw...

We don't know, either.

Then prepare to be embarrassed.

(ANNOUNCER READING)

Or...

(ANNOUNCER READING)

Meet Gerald, a maturing young robot.

Hey, he looks like me!

ANNOUNCER: His hideous appearance is a by-product

of his hardware gearing up for an important mission,

reproduction.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

ANNOUNCER: Since factories can't manufacture enough robots

to meet demand, robots can also reproduce by mating.

Oh, now you tell me!

ANNOUNCER: First, Gerald must find a female robot.

The best he can do is Francine.

(BUZZING) After beer and hot wings at a local gas station,

the two enjoy intimate time behind a dumpster.

It's all perfectly natural.

Let's watch, aroused, as Gerald's antenna uploads

a binary file to Francine's internal drive.

Manufacturing specs from each parent are then merged

by a randomized algorithm,

and the resulting code guides assembly of a new robot.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Yes, everything your body does is perfectly natural.

Except masturbation. That's just wrong.

Oh!

I can't believe I made a kid!

I'm not ready!

There's so much of the world I haven't stolen yet!

Relax, Bender. No one would let you near a child.

Bev will get custody, and you'll be a deadbeat dad

who never even bothers to know his own son.

(SNIFFLES) You really think so?

I know so. You're absolutely horrible in every way.

You're sweet, Leela.

(GIGGLING)

Sorry, Bev, but I ain't cut out for fatherhood.

So here's my certificate of abandonment drawn up by our notary.

That'll be 10 bucks.

Now take your kid and hit the soup line!

(LAUGHS)

(SOBS) Oh, no, you don't, mister!

Damn baby's driving me crazy!

(GIGGLING)

He won't stop giggling no matter how much I scream at him!

(SOBBING)

There, there.

I still got womanly needs!

Who's gonna look twice at me with this

dirty leech hanging off my dairy nozzle?

Not me, that's for sure.

Then it's settled! He's all yours, Pappy!

Hey, wait! You can't leave... What?

(WAILING)

(BOTH WAILING)

(BABY CRYING)

(CRYING STOPS)

(SNORING)

(SIGHS)

(CRYING)

What the...

Can't I have one moment to myself?

Why can't you sleep?

I left my window open, and moths got in.

I swear, if I wasn't such a great dad,

I'd grab his ugly little neck and...

(GRUNTS) (GIGGLES)

Hey, he stopped screaming for a second!

Bend some other stuff!

(LAUGHING)

(SCREAMS)

Bend! Bend!

He loves bending, just like me.

Aw!

I'm gonna call him Ben after the first half of me, Bender.

(BURPS)

That's my bastard.

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS)

(ALARM RINGING)

(GIGGLES)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Bend it, Daddy! Bend it like it called you poo-poo-face!

It called me what?

(INTENSE GRUNTING)

Yay! You bended it like a pretzel.

Okay, now you.

(GRUNTS)

I can't do it!

Hey, buddy, you're learning. You'll get there.

Bender, I was wrong.

You're a fine parent, and I want to...

Leela was wrong! Leela was wrong!

Leela was wrong! Leela was wrong!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Daddy, how'd you get so good at bending?

I inherited my arm control software from my mom.

That's how it's passed down, mother to son.

But my mommy had no arms!

Does that mean I can never be a bender?

Well, sure you can! You just need

to get a bending card installed.

I hate to crush a boy's dreams, but what the heck.

He has only one expansion slot, and it holds his memory card.

This robot will never bend.

Don't tell my son what he can and can't do!

You may know what's in his head,

but you don't know what's in his heart!

There's no slot in there, either.

I said shut up!

Today marks young Ben's 13th day of being left on continuously.

And so, before the Lord and this congregation,

we upgrade him to man-bot. Can I get a Mazel tov?

ALL: Mazel tov!

Mazel tov!

I'd like to thank the preacher-bot for the introduction

and also for not circumcising me again, am I right?

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Twice was enough. But seriously, today, I'm not just a man-bot,

I'm the luckiest man-bot alive.

My mom may have abandoned me,

but I have the greatest dad in the whole universe.

He's patient, he's not afraid to show his emotions...

Don't look at me!

...and someday, if my dreams come true,

I'll be a bender, just like him.

You must be so proud of your boy.

I could take him or leave him.

I'm back for my son!

I've come to take him and leave with him!

(GASPING)

She beat you to both things!

It's okay, Son, Mama's here now.

Daddy! Don't let her take me!

Get your lack of hands off my boy!

You're an unfit parent who abandoned her child!

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm still less unfitter than you.

Says who?

Says this document you gave me when you tried to abandon Ben first!

(GRUNTS)

It's genuine.

(ALL GASPING)

That doesn't prove I'm an unfit parent!

I was drunk and violent when I signed that!

Well, I'm drunk and violent now. He's coming with me!

Daddy! (CRYING)

Son!

My boy's gone. All I have left to remember him

are these innocent playthings we stole together.

(CHITTERS)

Fry, put these someplace safe.

(MONKEY SQUEALS)

(SOBBING)

That's it, Fry! For a guy who's not too bright,

you're too damn bright!

Now, get out! And don't come back

until someone finds a use for a million-watt idiot!

(SOBBING)

Mom, will I ever get to see Dad again?

No, he died yesterday. Rust monsters ate his face.

Sweet dreams!

(WHIMPERING)

(KNOCKING) Psst!

Quit whimpering or you don't get kidnapped.

Dad!

(WHIMPERING) Ah!

Come on. Let's run for it.

(BOTH PANTING)

What's going to happen to us now, Dad?

Well, I reckon we'll just sit around this campfire a while.

But then what?

Only a fool plans more than a few centuries ahead, Son.

(BOTH GASP)

URL: Freeze, tin woodsman!

SMITTY: You're under arrest for kidnapping

and burning raccoons without a permit!

It's over, Dad.

It ain't over!

I can't outrun a hover-copter, but I can out-bend it!

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINING)

(SCREAMS)

I know! Let's outrun it!

There's a dam! Damn!

There's a grate!

Great! But I can't bend anything

with my arms agonizingly maimed like this.

Well, maybe I can!

(EXAGGERATED GASP)

(GRUNTS)

You can do it, Son.

(GRUNTS)

Yeah, this ain't gonna happen.

Is that even necessary?

I'm sorry, Daddy.

You got nothing to be sorry about.

He's really a very good father.

All right, I got her statement. And a straight up grape soda.

Aw, yeah.

I promise things will be different, Son.

From now on, I'm chaining you to a radiator.

I'm amazed someone who dispenses such warm soda

could be so coldhearted!

I'm gonna buy a drink just so I can throw it in your face!

(GASPS)

It's another soda baby!

(ALL GASPING)

Damn.

You got knocked up by a police officer

while he was looking for your kidnapped child?

Sure did! I still got it.

So, now what happens?

Tell you what, you keep the big one.

Long as I got a baby to neglect, I'm happy.

Should we call child services?

No, let's just get outta here.

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo?

Sorry, Dad.

I'm glad to be back.

I'm just kind of bummed I can't bend stuff.

All I ever wanted was to go to Bending State-Santa Cruz.

But that's never gonna happen.

Listen, you need something bent, you come to me, huh, champ?

Damn it, I love that little guy so much!

I'd sacrifice any four of you

if it would help him bend even a little!

There is one way, but no, it's too horrible.

Nothing's too horrible for my boy!

Well, I could install a bending card.

But you said he only has one slot!

Correct. I'd have to remove his memory card.

He'd be able to bend, but he'd lose all his memories.

He wouldn't even remember who you are.

(GRUNTS)

You sure you want to be a bender, Son?

More than anything.

Just remember, your daddy loves you.

Remember that, will you, Son? Remember that.

(SOBS)

Dad, are you crying?

No! I said with the mouth you're looking at.

(GRUNTS)

(WHISTLES)

You sure take after your old man!

I never knew my father.

(SQUEAKS)

It's not important.

What is important is that we get you

to Bending State-Santa Cruz in time for registration.

Then we'd better hurry. Registration ends in one hour.

To the ship!

It's too foggy.

We can't navigate through this storm.

Our lights aren't bright enough.

I'm sorry I let you down, Son.

Who are you again?

It's just not possible to get you to bending school this year.

Or is there?

(ALL CHEERING)

All right, Fry!

Merry college registration day, everyone!

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SCREAMS)