Original subtitles

I got one!

Okay, kids. Put away the dust motes till tomorrow.

It's story time.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Today's storyteller IS a space captain

who grew up right here at the orphanarium.

Welcome back the bed-wetter of Building D, Turanga Leela.

(CLAPPING)

Hi, kids. What book would you like me to read first?

We don't got books no more.

What?

He means "anymore."

Look, sometimes you got to choose between eating and reading,

so they ate the books. Just make something up.

Make something up? Um. Okay.

Once upon a time, there was a, uh...

Princess?

Yes! That!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

A one-eyed princess in a long, flowing tank top.

And she lived in a magical one-room...

Castle?

Yeah, if you believe the listing agent.

Anyhow, one day, the princess went off to tell a story.

And then, that's exactly what she did do, that.

And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Miss Leela? I have a question.

Yes, Albert?

That story was bad.

That's not really a question.

That wasn't really a story.

I'm sorry, kids. I'm not a natural storyteller.

But I promise, I'll make up a better story and come back again.

Please don't.

See you soon.

I'm sure I've got a great kids' story in me.

I just need to think of three of some kind of animal.

Concentrate, Leela, concentrate.

(TROMBONE PLAYING)

Fry, I'm writing here. Do you have to play that?

Yes. It's the only song I know.

Look, friends. I accidentally learned to tap dance.

(FRY PLAYING TROMBONE)

ZOIDBERG, I'm trying to...

(BEEPING)

Time for my 4:21 daiquiri!

Guys, guys, guess who just got commissioned as a tugboat?

(TOOTS STEAM WHISTLE)

Oh, yeah! pachinko break!

MACHINE: Tokyo crazy balls! Yes!

(INCESSANT NOISE CONTINUES)

Oh! Good, Leela, you're here. I'd like to describe my foot pain.

My left has a sharp, jabbing throb near the bunion,

while the other's got a searing pain like gout.

Maybe it's too much albumin because of gravity...

Ugh. Even if I had a pen, I couldn't write under these conditions.

I'm going to some other planet where I can concentrate.

Searing, searing pain that feels as if it were in a vice.

Well, that was rude.

Warden Vogel, I have a new story for the children.

I'm sure they'll like it more than my last one.

They liked hunger cramps more than your last one.

Anyhow, you'll have to wait. The kids are busy right now.

Is the organ-harvesting clown here?

Nah, Rusty comes on Tuesdays now.

Today it's the owner of the Tickleodeon Kids Network.

Okay, kids, get ready to be subjected to our new fall shows.

Mr. Funny-Bunny here will gauge your reaction

by bombarding your brains with harmless snuggle rays.

He gives me a nice, warm feeling in my eyeballs.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

DIGITAL VOICE: Popular Slut Club.

Oh, my God. There's Jake Finkelberg!

He's so hot. I wish he wasn't my brother.

DIGITAL VOICE: Popular Slut Club.

NARRATOR: Look! Up on the drive-thru menu!

It's Captain Mega Meat and his young ward, Bottomless Boy.

Hurry, Captain! A skinny kid needs our help.

Super-size me!

(BELCHING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: From the "Rowdy"” Roddy Piper Daycare Center

in Glasgow, Scotland, it's Extreme Toddler Wrestling!

(BOTH GRUNTING) Ahhh!

Thanks for the brain scans, kids.

Don't have any children for the next couple of days.

All right, boys and girls, enough fun.

Your old friend Leela is back with a brand new story.

Hi. It's great to be back. I think you'll enjoy this one.

No! Please.

Can't we just get our organs harvested?

It's about some cute little creatures

from a land called Rumbledy-Hump.

Kids, let's meet the Humplings!

(PIANO PLAYING)

(SINGING) My name is Ladybuggle and I huggle all my friends

I'm a silly spring named Doingg and my bouncing never ends

Doingg, Doingg, Doingg

They call me Princess Num Num I'm as sweet as sticky buns

I'm Feffernoose.

Hello.

I'm scared of everyones

Feffernoose. What about me?

Hey, it's Garbly. Everyone loves him

'cause they can't understand him.

(MUMBLING) It's nice to meet you.

We're here to make you laugh and think and smile and learn and sing

And laugh and learn and smile

And think and other happy things

(ALL CHEERING)

Say more things like that.

Okey doke.

One sunny, funny day, there was an unfamiliar visitor in Rumbledy-Hump.

Today we learned that folks are not as different as they seem

The space gorilla's just like us

Although I breathe chlorine

(CHEERING)

Wow, I can't believe you imaginated all that stuff.

Will you come back again and tell us more stories,

and also adopt us all?

Of course I'll tell you more stories.

I'll go think some up right now.

Holy moly!

Lady, you don't know me, but my name is Abner Double deal.

Wait, I know you. You're Abner Double deal.

I brain-scanned those little nose-pickers during your story,

and, sister, their enjoyment glands

were squirting like Broadway road kill!

Aw! They were?

Say, you seem like a smart mark.

How'd you like to make it into a TV show?

Sign here on this Super cuts coupon.

I don't know.

Don't I need a degree to write gibberish for toddlers?

Come on, Miss Leela. Don't be a 'fraidy cat like Feffernoose.

Okay. I'll do it to show you kids you can succeed at anything,

if you just luck out hard enough.

Welcome to the glamorous, big-money world of basic cable TV!

I'm going to need that pen back.

Working on a real TV show is so exciting. I'm on a mostly natural high.

These costumes are gonna make it hard to go to the bathroom.

I'm not having any problem.

We're shooting in five minutes,

and this Leela broad hasn't even delivered a script yet!

Sweet zombie Jesus!

Like it's not hard enough to make a freaking' TV show for under 50 bucks.

Damn it. I'll call you back, Grandma.

Nice of you to show up, toots.

I mean that sincerely. It's just that I'm in showbiz.

Sorry, I went to my quiet place to write. Here's the script.

Ugh. You writers make me sick. Nice job on the script, though.

Places, everyone!

Okay. Cheap lights. Off-brand camera.

And non-union action!

I like ice cream.

And I like lollipops.

And I like you, Princess Num Num.

Ew!

I'm all licky-sticky!

(CRYING)

I don't understand. When I like something, I lick it.

Like this raccoon.

(HISSING)

Doingg, don't lick things that don't want to be licked.

But how do I know what to lick and what not to lick?

It's very simple.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

If it's alive, don't lick it

Like a horse, a turtle or a cricket

I like turtles!

So, if you're not sure if it's alive or dead

Poke it with a stick and lick the stick instead

Now I get it!

Ow!

Well, that's all for today.

But before we go, let's do everything we just did two more times.

Leela, that was great!

Even I have to admire the performance of me, Bender.

The show looks so cute. Kids will love it!

And it looks so cruddy, their ironic hipster parents will "love it."

Thanks, guys, but let's be realistic.

We all know any TV show that's even slightly good gets canceled.

Sometimes two or three times.

Leela! Tomorrow's ratings just came in from the future. We're a hit.

What? My show is a hit?

What are you, deaf? It's gonna be bigger than SpongeBot SquareBolts.

I interfere with pacemakers. (LAUGHS)

Baby, I hope you like drowning in caviar,

'cause that is how you're gonna die.

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

ROBOT HOST: Welcome back to the Young People's Choice Awards!

In a moment, the award for Outstanding Sext Message.

But first, the nominees for Best New Kids' Show are...

Yo Gimme Gimme,

The Adventures of Pit-bull and Scaredy Squirrel,

Dora the Destroyer,

and Rumbledy-Hump.

I hope you win, Leela.

Thanks, Fry. It's nice to have the support of viewers like you.

I'm the star of the show.

Shh.

And the Slurmie for Best New Kids' Show goes to

Turanga Leela for Rumbledy-Hump.

ANNOUNCER: This is Turanga Leela's first nomination

and second time in high heels.

Wow. I feel so lucky just to have been nominated

alongside so many inferior shows.

And to all my young friends at the orphanarium,

thank you for inspiring me to be your hero.

Slurm her!

So, wait. You play a high school student

who's also secretly a rock star,

who's also secretly a massage chair?

No. I play a high school student

who's also secretly a rock star.

But in real life, I'm a massage chair.

Mmm.

You ever made out with a tugboat?

Guys, I didn't have time to mention it up there,

but I want each of you to know what an honor it is to work with me.

Sweet ego of Montego!

Someone build a wind farm in front of her mouth!

Leela, I mean this,

you're the greatest creative mind since blah, blah, blah-bity blah.

But it's 2:00 a.m., and you still haven't written tomorrow's episode.

Well, you can't expect me to write it here

with everyone talking so loudly about how great I am.

Sorry.

I'm taking the ship to my quiet place

so I can be alone.

You non-creatives can catch a bus home.

Non-creative? Hal I'll have you know I Bedazzle my own underpants.

That was a hell of a massage.

Maybe the best that ever was.

Say, where are we?

(GASPING)

BENDER: Rumbledy-Hump?

It's real!

I love eating vegetables, don't you?

They're like crunchy, green water.

I don't like them! They're icky-yuckie!

Now, now, Garbly, if we don't eat our vegetables,

we won't grow big and strong,

like Feffernoose.

I have to be big and strong to fight off the monsters.

Did somebody say monsters?

(LAUGHING)

This will make a great episode.

But talk slower, I can't type that fast.

Well, well, well.

(GASPING)

You didn't make up that TV show.

You just wrote down what these space twerps said.

Oh, hell.

(ALL GASPING)

Leela said a Rumbledy-Hump no-no!

(CHILDREN'S MUSIC PLAYING)

Sometimes when we're mad

We say words that are bad

And "poo-poo” and "pee-pee” and "penis” and "gay”

Those are the 98 words we don't say

(CHEERING)

My God! You stole all your ideas

from those poor, innocent creatures and hogged all the credit?

I underestimated you.

Wait. I can explain.

Nah, don't ruin it. I'm loving the hypocrisy.

It's like catching an evangelist in a whorehouse.

That was the best Christmas ever.

You know I hate lying.

But those orphans were so proud of me,

I couldn't bear to let them down.

(SCOFFS)

At least Reverend Pickens had the dignity to jump out the whorehouse window

with his pants around his ankles.

Who's your friend, Leela?

He sure has a shiny metal bumbledy-boop.

They're so cute and harmless.

No wonder you feel safe ripping off their act.

Bender, I feel bad enough already.

(BENDER LAUGHING)

I'm just messing with you. I love that you're getting rich off of them.

'Cause now I can get rich off of you.

Oh, Lord.

From now on, you give me half the gross, or I'll blow your cover.

(SIGHS)

Fine. You'll get your cut. I don't really care about the money anyway.

I just want to show those poor, disadvantaged orphans

that they can succeed in life.

Ugh. You are the worst kind of rich person.

Be it parsnips or peppers or kale or zucchini

I like to relax with a spinach martini

(UNDECIPHERABLE)

'Cause we love our vegetables

ABNER: And cut!

That's a wrap, everybody.

Ten minute break, then we shoot season three.

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

Leela, you may have become a Lady Gaga-esque fame hag,

but you sure cheered up those orphans. Nice job.

Thanks so much for inviting us to the taping.

The kids haven't been this excited since Food Day.

Thanks. They're my inspiration.

But not your only inspiration, am I right, Leels?

(LAUGHING)

Is somebody standing on me?

I do love inconveniencing the underclass.

Well, we'll be on our way after we dig through your trash for aluminum.

Okay, kids, delta pattern. Go! Go! Go!

Miss Leela? Yes, Sally?

I want to show you the story I made up.

That's Gumdrop, Sticky, Candycorn, Sourball, and Jujube.

They're brothers and sisters and they live in Butterscotch Hollow.

Sally, that's wonderful.

You came up with that yourself? Out of thin air?

How?

You were an orphan, and now you're the best writer ever.

So I knew I could write, too.

Thank you for being my hero.

I can't do this anymore.

I don't blame you.

Having to wear a costume made from a hollowed-out walrus.

Everyone, I have a confession.

I, Turanga Leela, winner of a Young People's Choice Award,

a Peabody Jr. and two Training Emmys, am not what I appear to be.

There's something I need to show you.

Uh-oh.

Continuing my confession, this is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Harder than creating the best-est show in the world?

I didn't create anything. I stole it.

Stealing is a form of creativity.

No, it isn't. Guys, come on out.

(ALL GASPING)

Holy moly again.

Hello, Leela.

I was just telling my friends how they shouldn't eat food off the floor.

Should we sing a song about it?

Yes, please.

No need, Ladybuggle.

Say, what's going on here?

(SIGHING)

This planet is the real Rumbledy-Hump,

and these creatures are the real Humplings.

All I did was write down their adorably repetitious hi jinks.

(GASPS) You lied?

Like Doingg did when he stole Garbly's pet pine-cone?

You told them about that?

I should have told the truth right away.

These simple prairie folk have a simple prairie-ish life here,

and I was wrong to exploit it for profit.

I'm as sad as an upside-down smile.

You mean a frown?

We didn't have a word for it, until now.

To think I put on an unflattering cupcake costume for you.

To think I borrowed money from you.

I was going to ask you to marry me.

I guess if you can't make up stories, I can't neither.

I deserve this. And more. Keep it coming.

Wait a second.

As a big Hollywood TV producer,

I think I know how to remedy this ethical lapse.

So if you don't want a tapeworm or intestinal bug

Don't eat pastrami that fell on the rug

And cut!

Ta-da! We got us a reality show.

No writers, no actors, no problem.

Double deal, this is disgraceful.

You can't just rip off their real lives and put it on TV.

Who said anything about ripping them off?

I did.

I'm paying them.

Gather around, gang. Here are your paychecks.

I can finally afford my speech therapy.

And the health plan covers my generic Prozac.

Electricity, plumbing, our lives are a zillion times better.

And it's all thanks to you, Leela.

Don't thank me. I should be punished.

I've corrupted you and taught the orphans a terrible lesson.

What orphans? The kids were all adopted.

They were? By who?

Come on, kids, let's get this place cleaned up for the next episode.

Albert, pick up that pastrami and put it back on the craft services table.

You're the boss, Daddy.

Oh, God, what have I done?

You've given us a new father and a full-time job,

which is more than most kids have.

But... We love it here, Miss Leela.

This is the funnest planet in the whole world.

Don't hug me! I've done a horrible thing!

For God's sake, somebody teach me a lesson!

We love Leela! We love Leela! We love Leela!

LEELA: No!

KIDS: We love Leela! We love Leela!

We love Leela!