Original subtitles

Who likes good news?

Everyone? Then, good news, everyone.

Our next delivery isn't to some dangerous outer space planet.

It's to Earth.

Earth is dangerous. I fell off my chair there once.

Ow!

Quit it, Earth.

We won't even have to leave New New York.

The package is going to Long Long Island.

Yes, to the lavish Mafia-style villa of the Donbot.

The Donbot? The vicious Robot Gangster?

I'd better use my special robot vision to see what's inside.

It looks like a pair of clamps.

(SQUEAKING)

When are those new clamps going to get here?

These are all rusted out with snitch juice.

Patience, Clamps, it is my eldest daughter's wedding day.

You don't want the Space Pope to see you clamping, now, do you?

Geez, I forgot my Pope manners.

Dearly beloved,

it is with the great speed that I now pronounce you husband and wife.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Hey! What the...

May I help you with some assistance?

Delivery for Francis X. Clampazzo?

We don't got nobody here by that alias.

FRANCIS: Hey, hey, that's me. Are those my new clamps?

Your name's Francis?

(LAUGHING) Oh!

Guys, look, it's Calculon and the Robot Devil and an open bar.

What's not to sneak into?

Bender, you can't crash a mob wedding.

You forget, Leela. I'm Bender, owner of disguise.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, my good friend, Calculon.

(BAND PLAYING)

Hey, this one's for the new couple.

It's your day. It's all about you.

Who's that singing at your wedding?

It's Calculon, Calculon, Calculon

(WOMAN SQUEALING)

Hey. Oh. Piscopo. This guy.

(GASPS)

Bada-boing.

Hey, sexy, I'm Bender.

What brings you to this tacky soiree?

I'm the bride.

Oops.

How about you, baby, want to do it?

Bender, it's me, Fanny.

You who?

The Donbot's wife?

We had an affair.

An affair, huh? Sounds like me.

Geez, I'd better be a little more careful.

I don't want to hit on anybody I already had sex with.

(BELL DINGING)

Hiya, Bella.

Hi, Mom.

What about you? You're my third choice.

(GIGGLES)

(BELL TOLLS)

(BELLS TINKLING)

(BOTH MOANING)

Oh, Bender, this is all happening too slowly.

Let's get married.

Quiet, I'm making out with a floozy.

(BOTH MOANING)

Hold your clapper. Someone's coming.

(GRUNTS)

Donbot, please,

I'll pay you back as soon as you lend me some more money.

Sorry, Calculon. It gives me no joy to do this,

because Clamps will be doing it.

Clamps, here are your new clamps.

Clamps!

No, no.

Line?

No!

(CLANGING)

Yeah, Daddy hates welchers.

The only thing he hates worse is witnesses.

And guys who mess around with his daughters.

And attempt to duplicate his meatball recipe.

How was the wedding, Bender?

Says who? I didn't witness anything!

In entertainment news, two-time Oscar pool winner, Calculon,

was brutally clamped yesterday by an unknown assailant.

Poor Calculon.

All right, Amy, you win!

The mob did it.

I saw the whole thing while also having hot sex with the Donbot's daughter.

(SOBBING)

I'm scared and great at sex.

Bender, you need to go to the police

and tell them a tastefully edited version of what you just said.

What, and have the Mafia come after me, too?

No way. This secret goes to my grave.

The Bureau is offering anyone with information

about this gangland-style clamping a $50 reward.

BENDER: Ooh! Ooh!

And then Calculon said, “No, no. No!"

And then I ate some excellent meatballs.

Can I have my 50 bucks now?

I enjoyed your story, especially the tasteful love scene,

but it's not enough to convict the Donbot.

You'll have to testify in open court.

No, no.

Can I have another $507?

No? No.

No!

No!

All rise for the Honorable Judge 723.

Be seated.

Organized crime is a plague on our society,

and I will not tolerate any form of intimidation during...

All rise for the Honorable Judge 724.

Good day. I'd like to say I'm prepared to tolerate several,

if not all forms of intimidation during this trial.

Prosecutor?

Your Honor, the prosecution pecks for a mistrial on the grounds of jury tampering.

Donbot?

Motion denied.

Prosecutor, call your first witness.

The People call our star witness, Mr. X,

whose appearance will be altered because he's in grave danger.

(ALL GASP)

Bender, I've been looking for you.

Which cake do you like better for our wedding?

Bender?

(EXCLAIMS) Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it!

(SIGHS) That was close.

Isn't it true, Mr. X,

that you are slandering this innocent Mafioso

to distract from your own felonious past,

including a crime you made up yourself called "burgle-arson-arceny"?

That's a wholly owned trademark of Rodriguez Crime Concepts, Inc.

Besides, I'm not on trial here.

That's true. You're on trial in Courtroom Three.

You are charged with two counts of burgle-arson-arceny.

How do you plead?

Not inno-guilty-cent.

BENDER: And then the Donbot said, "Sorry, Calculon,”

and then Calculon said, "NO!"

I think we've heard enough.

Wait, I'm not finished. "O!" Now I'm finished.

Your Honor, the prosecution roosts.

(SQUAWKS)

Have you reached a verdict?

Indeed.

After a steamy 12-way deliberation,

we find the accused guilty as...

Wait.

The Donbot is innocent.

(ALL GASP)

Calculon, who is that escorting you?

Yes, who?

My personal trainer,

and he's trained me to say that my wounds were self-inflicted,

for, you see, I am a big, Hollywood idiot, dumb guy what does that sort of thing.

Perfect.

(MURMURING)

We find the Donbot...

Dramatic pause.

Not guilty.

(ALL GASP) What?

Honey, if you're marrying Bender,

you might want to get a black dress for the wedding.

That's going to look hot.

(SOBBING)

Don't be scared, Bender.

We're putting you in the Witness Relocation Program.

You'll be given a new identity,

a new place to live, and this iPod.

I don't want it anymore.

So I gotta hide forever?

No, just until the Robot Mafia finds and kills you.

They're pretty good at that.

Goodbye, Professor.

Before I leave, I just want you to know

I've never done any work whatsoever.

ZOIDBERG, I know it seems like I can't stand you.

Leela, you'll have to watch out for Fry now.

Oh, Lord.

I wish I could go with you, pal.

Me, too. I'll need a butler.

Bender, we have to go.

There'll never be another like him.

Let's hire someone better.

Clamps. Clamps!

Uh-huh?

Listen to my boss words.

I would like you to apply for Bender's old job

and cozy up to this Fry, his best friend.

Yeah, and then I'll introduce him to my best friend,

clamp number one!

Sorry, toots.

No, Clamps. No clamps.

Sooner or later, Bender will contact Fry

as relocated-squealers always do.

Then with the clamps, Francis.

Francis... Francis?

I'll clamp you with the Francis!

Hey, take it ease.

(DOORBELL DINGS)

Hey there, slick, I'm here about the job.

Take a seat.

We'll begin the interviews shortly.

We'll start with Andrew. (GASPS)

Yeah, they all kind of broke.

So, when do I start?

Everyone, this is Francis.

Hey, Francis. Hello, Francis.

Hello. Cute name.

Look what he can do.

Wow! Whoa!

Yeah, I do it all.

Clamping, crimping, occasional snipping.

Snipping?

(LAUGHS) Looks like you may be out of a job, ZOIDBERG.

(MOCK LAUGHING) That's all good fun,

but of course a clamp is no substitute

for the precision of a genuine...

Francis, would you do the honors?

(CRYING)

Stay off my turf!

Yeesh. That guy can bite my shiny metal clamps.

You remind me of my old friend Bender.

Yeah? Where does he safely live?

I don't know.

Hey, you want to come to my house and play?

Yeah, sounds like freaking' fun.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Four stinking years of clamping school for this?

(GROWLING IN FRUSTRATION)

Greetings, Francis.

Sorry if I was a little hostile before,

but snipping is the only reason

I'm even tolerated around here.

Not like you, with those magnificent squeezers.

Squeezers? Squeezers!

They're clamps, you (BLEEP)!

And if I want to (BLEEP)-ing snip with these clamps,

I will snip with these (BLEEP)-ing clamps!

Why do you think they call me...

(GAGGING)

Francis?

Francis, I have good news!

It's time for your first delivery.

To the Moon!

Fan-(BLEEP)-ing-tastic!

Here's the 200 feet of rope you ordered, Sheriff Furley.

Hot diggity!

You fellers want to stick around for the hanging tomorrow?

It's gonna be a doozy.

(GRUNTING)

I sure do love hanging people.

Well, I best start cutting the nooses.

Oh! You know who could help with that?

Francis!

(LAUGHS)

Nice job, Francis.

I like how you didn't get drunk and steal anyone's organs,

like our old robot.

Bender?

Bender, it's me, Fry!

Heeyah!

I knew Bender would turn up purely by coincidence.

Take care of him, but do it quietly.

Don't worry. We're in space, where no one can hear you clamp.

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

What do you know?

The Feds gave Bender a new identity as a Moon farmer.

He must be afraid to break character,

in case there's any Robot Mafia scuzzballs around.

FRANCIS: Heh?

Come on, let's go check on him.

I checked on a guy once.

I checked him into tiny pieces!

Bender? Nope, don't recollect nobody by that name.

But let me ask my son-in-law, Billy?

Yes, Moon-Pa?

These nice big-city hillbillies are looking for someone named Bender.

You know him?

Nope. He ain't any of the eight people I ever met.

Bender, it's us, your friends.

You can drop the hillbilly moron act.

Sorry, mister, but I'm no Bender.

I'm just a simple farmer.

Name's Billy West.

(LAUGHS) Billy West?

What a stupid, phony, made-up name.

You city folk are probably hungry

from premarital sex and flag-burning.

Y'all wanna stay for supper?

Well, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex on a burning flag,

but I could have a bite.

May I present my beautiful robot wife, the Crushinator.

She's serving up the dinner and the charm.

Mashed chicken, Mr. Fry?

Sure.

So, Billy, where were you born?

Right here in Moon country.

And how long have you been a farmer?

Reckon I was born a farmer.

Folks say my mama was a hoe.

Oh, dear, I seem to have warped my fork.

Could you bend it back for me, Billy?

Bend it? I can't even lift it.

Which is weird, seeing as how my daddy was a forklift.

Wow. Bender is really committed to his new Jethrovian identity.

If y'all are finished,

I'll drive y'all back to town in the old clunker.

So, y'all flew here in a spacey ship?

Stop talking like that! You live on the Moon!

If that is Bender, I guess he's just happier in his new life.

I refuse to believe anyone is happy!

Mr. West, would you mind if I examined your brain?

Examine? Heck, if you can find it, you can keep it.

(SQUAWKING)

Gadzooks! Bender's hard drive no longer contains any of his old memories!

When the Feds bumpkinized him, they completely wiped out his old identity!

(ALL GASP)

Well, I don't know about that,

but who am I to argue with a man from the sky?

So long, space heroes.

You sure you don't want to kill all humans?

(SCOFFS) I love all humans.

(SNIFFS)

He really is gone.

I guess I'm happy for him.

And honestly, Francis is a way better friend than Bender ever was.

Hey, where is Francis?

(PIANO PLAYING)

One sarsapar-oil-la, Sheriff. I'm thirsty.

Make it two. I'm greedy.

You got the rest fooled, but not me.

Now let's take this outside, s0's no one else gets clamped.

You're the boss, stranger.

I'm gonna clamp your body parts off one by one.

But then I'm gonna clamp your wounds shut SO you stay alive

while I clamp you some more!

Say your prayers, stoolie.

Okay. God bless Grandma and Grandpa...

They're next! Right now, I'm gonna cut your damn head off!

(GAGGING)

(GRUNTING)

Drop the robot!

(SNAPPING)

I thought I told you, I do the cutting around here.

(WESTERN MUSIC)

(ALL GASP)

(BIRD SQUAWKS)

(BIRD SQUAWKS)

(WIND BLOWING)

Scuttle on home.

This ain't none of your business, slick.

My name isn't Slick. It's ZOIDBERG.

John (BLEEP)-ing ZOIDBERG!

Stop! ZOIDBERG, you'll hurt Francis!

Oh, yeah? Take this and that!

(TAUNTING)

Why, you lousy...

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

I'm gonna clamp your...

(YELLS) Oh, yeah.

Ow, ow, ow.

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

Looks like an all-you-can-kill lobster fest!

That offer was for a limited time only.

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

My clamps!

Why, ZOIDBERG, why?

Because our friend Francis here, is in reality a bad murderer.

Yup. He was fixing' to kill me.

This here crawdad done saved my life!

(BELL TOLLS)

(ALL GASP)

Bender, you two-timing jerk!

I put off my singing career for you!

If I can't have you, no one can!

Oh, shucks.

(GROANS)

Bender! No!

What? (DISTORTED LAUGHTER)

Bender was a hell of a squealer.

Maybe the best there ever was.

We'll send his widow some meatballs.

Clamps, Bella, get in the way-back.

(BELL TINKLING)

To my friend, Bender.

A wise man once said he was a hell of a squealer.

Maybe the best there ever was.

ALL: To Bender!

You pizza's gonna be another minute.

We still waiting for it to be delivered.

Bender?

I'm no Bender. You got me mixed up with another robot.

(GROANS) You're probably right.

I don't really remember what he looks like.

Guys, guys, it's me, Bender.

(ALL GASP)

He's alive!

So that Moon hillbilly who got murdered

was just an innocent husband and father.

(ALL CHEER)

Bender, old 'bot, the Mafia thinks you're dead.

You can come back to work with us.

I'm back, baby!

Pizza's here.

Whoo!

I'll just cut that...

You do, and I'll (BLEEP)-ing gut you like a fish.

(SNIPPING)