Original subtitles

NARRATOR: You're taking a vacation from normalcy.

The setting, a weird motel where the bed is stained with mystery,

and there's also some mystery floating in the pool.

Your key card may not open the exercise room

because someone smeared mystery on the lock.

But it will open the Scary Door.

Submitted for your Emmy consideration,

a popular senator with unpopular ideas.

There is no such thing as space aliens!

Oh! How can you be so sure

them aliens ain't already among us?

I'll tell you how!

Because you are one!

(ALL GASP)

(SNORING)

Hey, I was watching that!

The Saints just needed a field goal to tie!

Lrrr, you lazy ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8!

You said you would conquer a planet today,

but you have not even shed your skin yet.

Yes, Ndnd. I heard you the first hundred times.

I'll conquer something tomorrow

after I fuel up on one of your disgusting egg-white omelets.

You want yolks? Fine! Enjoy your stroke.

(FRY READING)

(MIMICKING GUN FIRING)

(MIMICKING EXPLOSION)

(LAUGHING) I am conquering Erth!

Not so fast, Invader X!

Here comes Delivery-Boy Man!

Special deliver for Invader X! Laser eye power!

(MIMICKING LASER BEAM RESONATING)

(MIMICKING EXPLOSION)

Hand magnet power!

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Yay! I'm unbuckled!

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Stop it, you hero!

Reverse-time power!

(MIMICKING LASER BEAM RESONATING)

(MIMICKING EXPLOSION)

It's earlier now.

(MIMICKING KISSING)

So? What do you think of my comic?

Let me put it like this.

After I leave here, I'm getting a memory enema.

If I might offer some constructive criticism,

there was never any real peril.

I mean, the delivery guy has, like, 30 superpowers.

Well, that's because he was bitten by a radioactive superman!

This is wonderful!

It is, isn't it?

Wait, those are the ads.

These X-ray specs will really take the guesswork out of surgery.

No more chopping blindly in the goop.

Don't waste your allowance, Zoidberg.

This stuff is butt-grade crap.

Amuse your friends with real vomit!

Throw your voice!

Sea monkeys!

Throw your sea monkeys!

My disintegrator ray really works!

But that's you.

That's how I know it's bunkum.

The Farnsworth Novelty Disintegrator Ray is nothing more

than a common teleporter ray.

(SCOFFS) Worthless toy!

I'm sick of being critiqued by nitpicking nerds.

I'm taking this to a comic book convention!

(EXCLAIMS) it's crowded!

Good thing everyone is freshly bathed and groomed.

Oooh!

What are you doing? That's the rare Zapp Brannigan

with recording session blooper!

Don't tell me how to do the line. It sickens me.

But the sign said there was a mint in the box.

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you so... Okay, thanks. Thanks so...

Settle down!

So, anyway, we're really excited to show you guys the pilot for our new series.

It's set in the year 4000, and we call it Futurella!

(BUZZER SOUNDING)

Wow. Fox has really streamlined the process.

Matt will now take questions.

But please, only about Futurella,

not The Simpsons.

Yes? The robot standing on the small child over there?

(EXCLAIMS) Yeah, when are you going to make

a second Simpsons movie?

(BENDER GROANS)

Mr. Aragonés, I'm a big fan of your cartoons

and your mustache.

You want it? Take it. It's brought me nothing but misery.

Wow. Thanks!

(EXCLAIMS)

If you could just quiet down, I wanted

to get your opinion of my comic book.

Señor, anyone who still writes comics is a hero to me.

Mmm. It stinks.

But, um, I do like the tiny doodles in the margins.

Oh, that's just some relish from a hot dog I found.

MAN ON MIC: Attention, ladies and gentleboys,

the costume contest is about to begin.

The costume contest! The costume contest!

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

BOY: Yeah! Devo!

What the hell are you supposed to be?

Every nerd's fantasy, baby.

Next up, contestant number 36!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Contestant 36, everyone!

Next up, contestant...

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(SOFTLY) I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet...

Hold on a second, let me just get this.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8.

You are hereby conquered! Please line up

in order of how much beryllium it takes to kill you!

Damn, that's a good costume.

Next up, contestant 38!

I don't understand.

Why are the humans still eating their soft pretzels instead of surrendering?

They're probably just waiting for Joss Whedon.

Joss Whedon's here?

Wait a minute. You look familiar.

Yeah, you almost ate me once.

I was in your mouth for five minutes.

Leela?

And the winner is

Nerdgasma!

Whoo! I got fruit boobs! (CHEERING)

(SIGHS) What's the use?

(SIGHS) Now what?

I send you out to conquer a planet,

and all you bring back is J.J. Abrams' face?

I thought you'd like it.

You haven't even tried it on.

I might dress up in a face if you ever took me anywhere nice!

Oh, boy, here we go.

I built this castle with my own two slaves!

What are you gonna do, kick me out?

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8!

May I crash on your couch?

So he just showed up unannounced, raided the liquor cabinet,

sprayed urine on the ceiling and passed out?

And the walls.

Leave me alone.

My wife hates me and planetary conquest has become a chore.

There, there. You're just having a midlife crisis.

Midlife crisis, eh?

Lrrr demands the comfort of pop-psychological platitudes!

Look, hoss, your wife threw you out.

That's your license to be a jerk.

Do whatever the hell you want,

then walk away and light a cigar.

Don't listen to him, Lrrr. Bender may seem happy

(BENDER LAUGHING)

But long-term, you need to reinvest

in your relationship with Ndnd.

Yes, it's clear what I must do.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I like it.

I'm thinking we need to downplay

those hideous growths on your head.

Horns are a sign of virility.

Also, they house my testes.

I'm thinking horn extensions.

You need some arm candy.

It's the perfect accessory for out-of-shape middle-aged creeps like you.

Yeah, I said it! What's your type, Borgnine?

Big and angry.

Look, brah, you're just not gonna find

a lot of hot, gigantic Omicronian babes

in this solar system.

There's one!

Hey, cool cape. Where'd you get that?

What, this old thing?

I murdered my father.

My name's Lrrr, ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8.

I am called Grrl.

Of the planet Omicron Persei 8?

That is a pretty name!

What's on the TV tonight?

Oh, wait! I don't care,

because I got a date!

I know it's not what you want to hear,

but I think this is a mistake.

Leela's right.

That's not what you want to hear.

What you want to hear is that I fixed my comic book.

Now the hero is more relatable

because he has no ridiculous powers.

Let's watch, shall we?

FRY: One more step

and little Miss Constructive Criticism here gets it!

Oh, yeah? I may be just a simple delivery boy with no superpowers,

so there's nothing I can do.

Okay.

(MIMICKING LASER BEAM RESONATING)

(MIMICKING EXPLOSION)

(SOBBING)

So? Give me your honest praise.

Fry, I've now seen two comic books, so listen to me.

Why should I care about the hero when all he does is cry?

(SOBBING)

Hmm. That dinner was a worthy foe.

Yes, we shall not see its like again.

So, um...

Um, I'm sorry. I haven't done this for a while.

I just got partway out of a bad relationship.

Maybe I should take this off.

(GASPS) You're a human?

Only physically.

I'm a cross-species dresser.

Wait, you're an actual Omicronian?

Oh, God. Oh, God, what have I done?

This is so hot!

Conquer me, Lrrr!

Sharpen your horns on my scaly thorax!

(SCREAMS)

(CRYING)

I want to go home!

But Ndnd would never take me back now.

Ndnd just wants what every she-beast wants,

to feel like you're listening to her nagging.

Is there anything she's been riding your ass about?

Conquering things, I guess.

I could conquer Earth, kill all humans.

That's a thought. No!

We don't need a war of the worlds.

That's it! We need a war of the worlds!

I'll call Orson Welles.

Dork calling Orson! Dork calling Orson!

You're asking me,

the renowned spokesman for Paul Masson wine,

to recreate my brilliant 1938 radio broadcast

merely to deceive and impress the wife of this skinny reptile?

Sorry. Never mind.

I'll do it for free.

Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt our program

of The Jonas Brothers and their orchestra

to bring you a special bulletin.

(ELECTRONIC WARBLING)

We interrupt our program of The Jonas brothers and their orchestra

to bring you a special bulletin.

I'm speaking to you from the hickory farms in Grover's Mall, New Jersey,

through a mouthful of summer sausage,

mmm, where I hardly know where to begin. Mmm!

A huge spacecraft, piloted by a devastatingly handsome...

(SIGHS) Now, how in God's name

do I know what the fellow looks like

if he's inside a ship miles in the air?

It's just foolish on its face.

If you want the cheese log, you'll read what I wrote.

Very well. I shall comply.

I'm getting reports that cities across the globe

are being destroyed by this noble invader,

whose good looks are apparently discernible across vast distances

and through solid metal.

But wait, the leader of the attack is swaggering out of his ship

and up to a convenient nearby microphone.

Now, why couldn't I have just described his appearance at this point?

This is the type of thing I'm talking about.

People of Earth, I am Lrrr, conqueror of your planet.

(WHISPERS) Cue screams.

(ALL SCREAMING)

You will now remove your skulls

and play dodgeball with them for my amusement!

Ooh! I could swear his horns have gotten longer!

(ELECTRONIC WARBLING)

Sir, I've intercepted an Earth broadcast.

Put it up on the Zenith.

Oh, God!

WELLES: Earth is conquered,

the destruction of civilization complete.

Now stay tuned for Little Orphan Annie.

To hell with Little Orphan Annie! We've got to do something.

What's that, honey? How many dead?

I don't know, 80 million?

Okay. I love you, too.

That was Ndnd. She's taking me back!

(ALL CHEERING)

I'm sorry I've been so difficult.

So, you thought you could conquer us so easily, eh?

Nice job. We surrender.

Earth is yours.

(CHUCKLES)

Damn, I'm good.

Now, may I please have that cheese log?

O glorious conqueror, permit me to offer up a sacrifice.

How about this?

Hey!

Yeah, he'll do.

Come on, Lrrr. Show's over.

Fine, okay.

About this conquering thing,

(CHUCKLES)

Funny story...

Hello, Lrrr.

Lrrr! Put a stop to this right now!

Okay! Okay! Quit nagging!

Lrrr, why are you yelling softly with the purple-furred one?

Uh, it's nothing, my queen.

He messed up my hair.

I'm missing a leg!

We fought like hell, sir,

but in the end, we caved like a house of soufflé cards.

Got it. Peace with honor.

Well, I resign again.

Come, Nixon.

Introduce me to the kitchen staff.

I must lay down the law about Lrrr's low-sodium diet.

You've got to tell her the truth.

And lay off the salted peanuts!

I'm just trying to get the leg taste out of my mouth.

Lrrr! I'm in here now, not out there!

Give me a little time.

With a lady like Ndnd, one must use finesse.

Coming, gigantums!

Mmm. That's crisp.

Yes, but no more so

than your squamous dorsal plates in the moonlight.

(SHUDDERS)

I am experiencing arousal.

My organs are moving into position.

Ndnd, there's something I've got to tell you.

What is it? Is there someone else?

What? No, no, it's about this takeover of Earth.

It's... It's...

The spark that reignited our marriage?

Yes! Exactly.

Good night. (SNORING)

(SOBBING)

Oh, lord. Now what?

I couldn't tell her the truth.

Look, you scaly crybaby,

you do what I say and you do it now!

NDND: I knew it!

Frying pans! Cast-iron frying pans!

It's not what it looks like!

What do I do?

Do what I say.

Tell her! Tell me what?

Give me the heavy one.

(SIGHS) The invasion was all a fake. I just wanted to impress you.

You lied?

What else have you been hiding from me?

What else? Nothing else.

I still want you, Lrrr,

and I'm willing to fight for you.

All I got left is a colander and a pie pan.

Lrrr?

(CHUCKLES) Look, we only had one date. I barely mated with her.

Whatever. I harbor no resentment against her.

What I want to know

is what is up between you and Bossy Boots here.

Her? She's just a bossy friend.

Exactly!

She nagged you, tormented you and pushed you around.

That is my job!

This must be settled.

I demand the ancient ritual of Rrrmrrrmrrrfrrrmrrr or Consequences!

Rrrmrrrmrrrfrrrmrrr or what?

Let the ritual begin!

The rules are the same as in the home version.

Lrrr must simply choose between myself and Leela...

Fine. Hurry up.

...by shooting the one he rejects.

(ALL GASP)

Lrrr, I'm getting angry.

Don't you go through with this.

She is not the boss of you! I am the boss of you!

Um... Oh...

Leela's going to die!

What would Delivery-Boy Man do?

I do not want to shoot anybody.

You never want to do anything!

Oh, nag, nag, nag.

You want me to stop nagging? Then shoot me!

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Beats staring at your fat ass on the couch!

Oh, yeah? I'll show you!

Ray-blocking power!

(GASPS)

(ALL GASPING)

Fry!

(SOBBING)

Lrrr! You were willing to shoot that bossy temptress!

You really do value my nagging above all others!

Good night, dumb prince.

Come back, Lrrr!

I want to have your popplers!

There'll never be anyone but you!

Hello.

Of course I'll marry you.

Wait, what the shmell happened?

I thought Ndnd disintegrated you with this ray gun.

(SCOFFS) It's just a cheap teleporter.

I bought it out of the back of a comic book.

Cha-ching!

The teleporter gun? That means Fry might still be...

Fry! Fry?

Is this him?

(ALL CHEER)

Fry! You're alive!

Not only that,

I now know exactly how to end my comic book.

Let's watch.

FRY: Say good-bye to your forehead,

because I'm going to shoot you in it!

Not if I leap in front of your death ray,

and I am going to do that.

Jumping sound! Ow!

I didn't shoot yet.

As usual, your delivery arrived too soon.

(GROANS)

Oh, Delivery-Boy Man! You saved me by random chance!

Don't thank random chance.

Thank my meteor-wishing power,

with your lips.

Good ending.

Not great.

ENGLISH - US - PSDH