Original subtitles

NARRATOR: And now, The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan,

brought to you by Bartley's Rocket Wax.

I wax my rocket every day!

No one can save you now, Leela.

What about Zapp Brannigan?

Well, obviously, Zapp Brannigan could save you...

Zapp Brannigan!

So, Emperor Chop Chop, once again, we meet at last.

Drop that space gun or I'll shoot, like so.

(GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, Zapp, tie me back up and ravish me.

I'd like to, Leela. So, I will.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(BOTH MOANING)

Shake it, baby. Shake it like...

I surrender and volunteer for treason.

Emergency summons from the president, Captain.

Oh, it's you. Just let me freshen up.

Computer, Captain's musk.

(SIGHS)

The long, dramatic corridor. That's never a good sign.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Glove recognized. Proceed, Mrs. Eisenhower.

Mr. President. What the hell?

At ease, Brannigan.

(EXHALES)

What you're about to see is highly classified.

Reptilicus, hit the thingy.

At 0000 hours,

Planet X-3 was attacked by a mysterious death sphere.

Magnify that death sphere.

Why is it still blurry?

KIF: That's all the resolution we have.

Making it bigger doesn't make it clearer.

It does on CSl: Miami.

(SIGHS)

NIXON: They fought back with advanced military hardware,

but it was like shooting BBs at Bebe Rebozo.

That poor, brave hardware.

NIXON: The sphere then fired some kind of hellish blackout ray.

It erased that planet like 18 minutes of incriminating tape.

Oh, I just wish I understood why.

Why I should care?

Because the death sphere is now on course for Earth!

(NIXON EXCLAIMS)

My God, we're defenseless, like fish in a barrel.

Options?

My instinct is to hide in this barrel,

like the wily fish.

Then we're down to our last hope,

a radical new weapon built by a visionary scientist

I once dismissed as crazy!

(LAUGHING)

Let's see how crazy I am now, Nixon.

The correct answer is "very."

All right, Professor,

sock it to me!

Top-secret news, everyone.

I've developed a tiny, one-man stealth fighter that's virtually undetectable.

How undetectable?

It's right in front of you.

I find that... (GROANS) to believe.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

But how exactly is this Happy Meal toy

going to destroy a giant death sphere?

From within.

This ship should be able to sneak, undetected,

through the sphere's one vulnerable opening.

What vulnerable opening?

All death spheres have one vulnerable opening.

Well, sure, but who's brave enough to fly into something

we all keep calling a death sphere?

I say Brannigan. I say no.

I say me. I say Leela!

I say yes. I say no.

I say Leela, too.

I say yes again.

I say I shall join her.

But it's only a one-man craft, I say.

There'll only be one man. Me.

How would you feel if I rode rear as your personal tail gunner?

Creeped out.

Then it's decided!

Are you sure I have to sit in your lap?

Lt'll help us achieve maximum thrust.

Ugh! Ugh!

I made you some trail mix for the flight.

Also, this picture, to remember me.

You hold on to it.

I'll be back soon.

(SCOFFS)

(BOTH GROAN)

Activating stealth shielding.

Liftoff!

I'll roger that.

Does anybody else feel aroused and jealous and worried?

I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died.

Death sphere in range.

Engaging holographic targeting.

Activating the force.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Feel the entrance, Leela.

Destination on your left in 0.3 miles.

Zapp to Leela. Look at all that surveillance equipment.

We better whisper.

Switching to pillow talk mode.

LEELA: Look! What are those huge letters?

ZAPP: V-GINY?

Doesn't ring a bell.

Hmm. I don't like the looks of this V-GINY.

Does anyone recognize those call letters?

Nope. It's not in the Janeway's guide, either.

Deciphering that ID code is critical.

I'll be in the chamber of understanding.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

This is it, the moment we should have trained for.

Holy... (BLEEPING)

Incoming yucky.

Firing pocket-rocket!

Don't panic, Leela. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

I hope this is the control stick.

(METAL CLANGS)

ZAPP: Captain's log. We've lost control.

Addendum. Whoa!

NARRATOR: And now, back to The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan.

Chapter Two. The heat thickens.

(MOANING) Leela, wake up.

I can't face this mysterious planet alone

without you or someone like you.

(BLOWING)

Zapp? Zapp, wake up.

Leela, where are we?

We crashed on an uncharted planet.

When I woke up, I was pinned under this tree.

Can you help me?

If anyone can move it, I can.

(GRUNTING)

No one can move it. Are you hurt?

No, but I'm so thirsty.

This space suit is making me sweat like a sow.

Me, too.

We'd better strip them off and continue surviving au naturel.

Uh, I suppose so.

Here, we can cover ourselves with these sticky, sap-covered leaves.

I'll try to avert my eyes from your nudery.

You will? What's the point?

You'll have to look sooner or later.

Well, I promise not to abuse the privilege.

For now, I'd better scout around for food and water and help.

What a thoughtful and considerate thing to say.

What the hell's wrong with you?

I'm not quite sure.

Perhaps it's the fresh air or severe head injury.

In any case, I'm off.

If you see any steaks, that'd be good!

(SNIFFS)

Why isn't Leela back yet? Do you think she's okay?

How should I know? And how come you never ask if I'm okay?

I'm feeling a little neglected here.

Oh. Sorry. Are you okay, Bender? Shut up.

What difference does it make?

When that death sphere gets to Earth,

we'll all be blown to manwich meat.

Well, I guess it's time to indulge

in some end-of-the-world debauchery.

Who's up for an orgy?

Yeah! Yes!

Nah. Nah.

Maybe a Parcheesi tournament.

Belay that Parcheesi tournament.

I've identified the death sphere.

We may yet have a faint hope of survival!

Still, a Parcheesi tournament.

This is a top-secret military satellite

launched by the air force in 1998.

And this is a top-secret FCC satellite launched that same year

to censor indecent TV programs.

Like The Pimpsons and Ass-o-rama?

Precisely.

However, the satellites collided shortly after launch

and were never heard from again.

I found the board!

Now I've simulated that collision using shrapnel-vision.

Granted, all that makes perfect sense.

But why is this death sphere destroying planets?

That makes the most sense of all.

Look at the planets it's destroyed so far.

First came X-3, the nude beach planet,

then, Poopiter,

and finally that world that can't be mentioned in polite company.

You mean... (WHISPERING)

How dare you? (ALL EXCLAIMING)

So, the death-sphere is "censoring" indecent planets?

Indeed, and we're next if we can't keep it in our collective pants.

Our sole hope is to persuade the people of Earth

to abandon their smutty ways. (WHIP CRACKS)

So, the orgy's off?

(GROANS) So thirsty.

Why couldn't a water fountain have fallen on me?

I couldn't find any water,

but the moisture in these fruit-and-nut berries should sustain you.

Thank you.

I climbed perilously high into the trees to pick them,

yet I saw no sign of intelligent life.

Bummer.

Moreover, the crash totally destroyed our ship.

So, we're stuck here until someone finds us?

Alas, that may never happen.

Stealth technology makes the ship impossible to locate,

yet easy to stub your crotch on.

Well, there's worse places to be marooned.

Plenty of food, mild climate.

It's a veritable Garden of Eden.

It is?

Hello.

Did that snake say, "Hello"?

No. We're both delirious from dehydration.

Just like Adam and Eve.

FARNSWORTH: We can still save Earth. People are sure to clean up their act

when presented with cold, hard facts by rational folks like us.

The end is near! Repent thy sins!

I'll thinks it overs while I engages this $5 hooker.

Don't do it! It's not worth it!

Okay, make it $3.

Yuck! I don't wants no $3 hooker.

I'm going backs to the adults bookstore.

Adult bookstore? I thought this was the public library.

No. Pubic Library.

Zapp? Where are you?

Oh, God, I'm actually starting to miss him.

Maybe you two belong together.

We do not. And you can't talk.

Come on.

It must be an awful temptation.

Guess who just killed a woodchuck with his bare feet?

I thought I'd whip us up some shelter,

make this a little more like home.

I do miss the Earth terribly. I wonder if it's even still there.

Let's find out together.

I'll brave the ship's wreckage to fetch you the telescope.

That's so sweet.

I'm just saying, is all.

I know my new plan is a long shot, but it's the only hope left.

Well, now I've heard everything.

On my iPod.

So, do you have a new plan, Professor? And is there any hope left?

Indeed. We're here on Earth's last unspoiled acre

to show the death sphere there's still purity in the world.

Begin transmitting.

Commence purity chant.

(ALL CHANTING)

Hey, I'm proud of you, Bender.

Avoiding sin for almost a full minute.

Bender?

BENDER: Yeah, baby. You're quite a dish.

(GIGGLING)

Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLING)

Oh, no. Bender, stop! Stop!

Quiet your riot. What's the worst that could happen?

No! No!

(SOBBING)

Earth is gone!

We're the only two humans left in the universe!

Oh, God. I'm sorry, Leela.

Maybe this was meant to be.

Maybe you and I were meant to build a new world here.

We can avoid humanity's mistakes.

Like the tuba.

Yes! We'll be like Adam and Eve.

Only without the tuba.

And we'll beget little Zapp junior. And Leela junior.

And they'll have kids of their... Yuck!

Is that really what happened in the Bible?

It's a sick and twisted book of holiness, all right.

Then we'll write our own Bible.

With less Sodom and more Gomorrah.

Let's do it.

I shall become the mother of a new world,

trapped here, under this tree.

The tree of knowledge!

Look, it even has apples!

Ow!

Wow.

Come here, Adam. Partake of my forbidden fruit.

Thee will be done.

Wait. One more bite before we begin the begetting.

Mmm. Juicy.

Those nut berries you found were so salty, I couldn't think straight.

I mean, not to belabor it,

but they were as salty as that bag of trail mix Fry gave me.

Exactly as salty. Hey! Wait a second!

Uh...

(GROANING)

I have a terrible confession to make.

You see, when I first went foraging,

what I actually found was the smoldering wreckage of the ship.

Ignoring all danger, I charged inside to liberate our provisions.

So, this is the trail mix Fry gave me!

Yes. I exaggerated when I said I picked it from the treetops.

I just wanted you to think a little better of me.

Well, your motives were good.

And we were both loopy from dehydration.

Hey, wait.

You've been doing an awful lot of urinating.

(GROANING)

There's plenty of water. You see,

after I selflessly rescued the trail mix,

I braved the flames once more in search of fluids.

Then why didn't you give me any?

I thought it might help you forget your intense hatred for me

if you were a teensy bit delirious.

So, you let me dehydrate

while you washed down the trail mix with imported mineral water?

(GROANING)

Not exactly.

You see, besides the trail mix,

the minibar also contained Doritos, beef jerky

and a generous assortment of fine chocolates.

I wanted to offer you the chocolates.

I truly did. But I was concerned about your waistline.

Very concerned.

It's because I haven't been exercising.

If only this tree hadn't fallen on me by chance.

Oh, dear God!

(GROANING LOUDLY)

It was just after we crashed.

I awoke first, to find you trapped.

Leela! Leela, wake up.

You could've moved this grub-infested log any time you wanted?

Well, sure.

But then I wouldn't have been able to provide the loving care

you wouldn't have needed.

I'd leave you to rot in this paradise,

if only the ship weren't destroyed.

The ship's fully functional, isn't it?

(GROANING)

You see, after re-trapping you

and before feigning unconsciousness,

I paused to enjoy a cigar.

Though mellow and satisfying, it did parch me a bit,

so I went in search of brandy.

That's when my keen senses detected the still-invisible ship.

(EXCLAIMS)

So, we can go back to Earth?

But there is no Earth anymore. Everyone I know is dead!

(SOBBING)

This seems like a good place to take a dump.

Leela? You're alive!

Fry!

But how did you find this planet?

Well?

(GROANING)

We're actually on Earth.

The ship's homing device brought us back.

But I saw Earth explode!

I'm actually kind of proud of this one.

You see, what you saw

was merely a simulation I rigged up

using the ship's holographic targeting projector.

The alleged telescope was a toilet paper tube.

You said there wasn't any toilet paper!

And that humanity was annihilated!

My motives were pure.

I just wanted you to think we had to save humanity,

so you'd be willing to have sex.

Please say you believe me.

Yes, I believe you.

(ZAPP GRUNTING)

(CHEERING)

There must be something to steal on this island.

Hey, it's Leela.

(ALL CHEERING)

Let's go home, everybody. At least the world wasn't destroyed.

Yet.

AUTOMATED VOICE: People of Earth!

Hear the righteous word of the mighty V-GINY!

The mighty V-GINY!

(GIGGLES)

Seeing you frolic in this unspoiled garden

gives hope that this world may yet be redeemed.

Huzzah! The purity chant worked!

Unacceptable wardrobe malfunction!

I was referring to Adam and Eve.

We're not Adam and Eve. You see, due to a series of...

Consummate your union or I shall destroy Earth.

(ALL GASP)

Well, if it's to save Earth, I guess I could take one for the team.

You what? Right now? But I need a little romance first.

Maybe a vanilla candle or something?

Commence intercourse!

Those giant guns are making me feel sort of inadequate.

I'm not sure if I can... Move it.

I've got to get home and do laundry.

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

For God's sake, censor it! Censor it!

Approved for all audiences!

No!

NARRATOR: And now, the spicy finale

of The Transcredible Exploits of Zapp Brannigan.

That was a close call, but we saved Earth.

Was it as good for you as it was for the human race?

Oh, Zapp. Let's save another planet right now!

(SNORING)

ENGLISH - US - PSDH