Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour

# Blow the dice for me Woo

# Put your pretty ass lips together Blow it real nice for me

# Blow it real nice for me Yeah

# I'm tryna hit a lick and slide to the dealership in the morning

# Wah

# Poppa need a brand-new foreign

# Uh, hot hand, they not gon' believe me

# But check the recording

# Ooh, just touched down, up a few thou'

# Big booty hoes with me in the big house

# Bar full of liquor, cash for the strippers

# It's gonna get weird tonight, so no pictures

# Pretty...with some money to blow

# I'm 'bout to buy Las Vegas

after this roll

BURPS LOUDLY

# I'm about to buy Las Vegas after this roll

# Come on, 7-7-7, let's go... #

You've got bean juice on your whistle.

Peanut!

Oh, my life.

# I'm J to the M to the E

# I make G-R-I-M to the E... #

Peeps say getting inked hurts.

Must have a high pain threshold.

Yeah, for eyeliner.

Dickhead.

"Mug life."

Bruv, I told you to write "thug life."

You saying I'm dyslexic? My spelling is on point, bruv.

You best put some R-E-C-P-T-E-T-E on my name.

THEY LAUGH

You guys, I was on Wowcher last night because I'm so skint

and I found this hip-hop yoga class called NamastDizzle.

And I was thinking...

Jinx, is that a yoga class or a hate crime?

Yeah, so lame, right?

I'm so blessed to have you guys as my galdem.

And I got these.

Cute.

Yo, bup, bup, bup, bup, Blessing, bust me a pack of Nik Naks.

My label owes me gwap.

Label? I didn't know they paid people to sing on Songs Of Praise.

Hey, allow it.

And I told you, I was only in that church choir for the pussy.

Like you've even seen one.

Morning!

It is me. It is I.

All right, sir.

Er...

It's giving matinee energy.

We'll try that again, shall we?

CHEERING

Now that just felt sarcastic.

Out, out, out, out. Everybody out!

Sir, why are you kicking us out?

You broke one of my only rules, Usma -

"No bad vibes."

Sharpish.

What?

# Uh-oh

# Uh-oh, you're in trouble... #

And you can get out, too.

You're the definition of bad vibes.

You can't send me out, treacle.

I'm a teacher, too.

I can do whatever I want.

I can run in the corridor, chew gum.

I can even swing on my chair.

I'm invincible.

Oh!

# Yeah, proper tings

# Original style

# We've come to keep them down

# The wicked man is one, yeah. #

No lipstick, girls.

This is a school, not a brothel.

Why aren't you working?

I want As coming out of this classroom,

and currently there are too many Ds.

Oi, miss man, you don't like the D?

KIDS SNICKER

Of course I don't like Ds.

What happens when you catch a D, Miss?

I'd be clamping down on it...

..very hard.

KIDS LAUGH

Don't sneak back in.

I can smell...

HE SNIFFS

..urgh, cheap deodorant and morning breath.

Funny, I'm wearing Chanel number

do you want to get fired?

Oh, I thought I was smelling Mr Harper.

Doubt it. Jinx has confiscated my Lynx Africa.

She said it was problematic.

It's like Jesy Nelson in a can.

You send them all out for bad vibes?

That's not true, Miss.

He sent me out for blocking his light.

Mr Harper, where's your class?

In the gym playing Capture The Flag.

Well, what if the game ends? The game won't end, Miss.

Why not? Because I've got the flag.

LAUGHTER

You two, my office, now.

Mate, I can't lose this job now.

My Mrs says it's turning me into a responsible adult.

Oi-oi.

HE LAUGHS How was your trip, you tuna melt?

How come your arse ain't flapping?

I'm like Prince Andrew.

That is not something to say in a school.

As in, I'm not sweating. Full stop.

Er, move.

I'm booked and busy.

Joe McElderry's got shingles on the Grease tour and they want...

Nice. West End?

Doncaster Art Centre.

Then the bright lights of LA. Los Angeles?

Lytham St Annes. Oh.

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, it's my agent. One sec.

Darling!

I thought you'd forgotten me.

What's she doing in there with the maths teacher?

I'll let you into a dirty little secret.

I got my IB when I was 17.

Bernadette, I had no idea.

No. Well, I usually keep it on the QT.

You know, employers can get very funny about these things

and make me feel like I'm some sort of freak.

THEY LAUGH

Fuming. What?

That little tart's made a full recovery.

I thought shingles was fatal.

Now you're sweating.

STEPHEN SIGHS DEEPLY

Your career's back on the blink, and I've got this to think about.

Oh, cute. Innit?

And he's hung like a donkey.

That's the umbilical cord.

Oh, is that what they're calling it nowadays?

DOOR CLOSES

Children.

The head mistress will see you now.

"Children"?

Would a child do this?

Jog on, Calculator.

You two are by far the worst performing teachers in this school.

Er, you can't just throw a shade like that without receipts.

Oh, you want receipts? Well, how about this?

Hey, Keira and Tom, have a fab time at Thorpe Park.

Live your best lives. School's out.

Aw, cute.

It's one of the cameo videos I did for my devotees.

"Devotees"?

No, these are students, and they are tricking you.

You have given them permission to play truant.

HE LAUGHS

She means bunk off.

And now we turn to the Poundland Joe Wicks.

Could you please explain to me why we found your cross-country team

heading for John O'Groats?

What, the pub near the roundabout?

I did tell them to stay hydrated, to be fair.

No, it's the furthest point in Scotland.

Then what you got the 'ump for?

That is literally cross-country. Enough.

The government is making cuts to education

and accordingly I have to cut our budget by 30%.

So we are going paperless, heatless and school counsellorless.

But I also need to lose one whole department.

I've narrowed it down to a shortlist of two.

Can you guess which they are?

Erm... Oh, I love guessing games!

Er, yeah. Er...

History and the one with the Bunsen burners.

Drama and physical education.

It's alright for me, then.

I've never even heard of physical education.

It's PE, dipshit.

Oh, bollocks.

Look, prove to me which of your tinpot subject

is of greater value to Abbey Grove.

I mean, which can actually be used to teach our pupils

genuinely useful things?

Ah, when the kids had their chemistry mocks,

I taught them that dry periodic table song.

Stephen, slaytrogen is not on the periodic table.

It's... # Slay-tra-g-ogen. #

And half of them wrote that E equals MC Squared

is a Mariah Carey album.

Well, it is.

You have until the end of the week.

Then you will be back in here and one of you will get fired.

Oh, well, I'll miss you, babes.

I'll miss you too, mate. Good luck with the job hunt.

Huh? Just face it. You're the one that's going to be back signing on.

Joke's on you, mate, cos I still am.

Whaaaay.

Gotcha!

Psst! Stephen, I need a word.

What?

The cuts mean I have to buy produce that's got about 21 seconds to go

before it becomes life threatening.

So now I have to print off health warnings, by law.

Well, Hoburn's not going to like that

because she wants the school to go paperless.

Oh, crap-tin-fantastic.

Then I really need your help.

The thing is, I was bashing away at the buttons

and it started printing something about aardvarks.

Erm, I don't think you can serve those.

No, Stephen, it's a word that begins with a double A.

Don't you get it?

This is the entry form to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Ah, well, we've suspected it for years.

No, Stephen, I think I'm printing...

..the entire Internet.

I don't have time for this drama, just unplug the printer.

PRINTER STOPS

HE SIGHS

PRINTER RESTARTS

Oh, no, it's gone viral.

Today we're doing something a little bit different.

We're integrating the PSHE into our class

to show all the ways that drama can make you a healthier,

more valuable person.

Ignore me. Pretend I'm not here.

Let's talk trauma.

What better way to deal with it than with theatre? Therapy.

Shh! So who wants to share some trauma they've experienced?

Sir, I'm carrying a lot of trauma.

I've got the unbearable weight

of being the only peng ting in Tring.

I'm exhausted.

Sir. Hm.

Go on, Harrison.

I'm in an abusive relationship... Ohh.

..with biscuits.

CLASS GIGGLES

Can we have a serious one, please? It is.

It's not good for the gains.

I tried to quit, but then my nan found me round the back of Londis,

crouched by the wheelie bin with a face full of ginger nuts.

I'm just so ashamed. Uh.

Anyone else? My mum and I are leaving home.

Oh, hello.

We're going to live on a farm.

The Soho farmhouse.

But the spa is broken.

But the only reason we're going there is because my parents

are getting a divorce.

Oh, brilliant!

Oh, well, not for them or for you.

Start there. Yo. I feel for her.

That's why she's been beg friend of the year.

I'm scared I won't get to see my friends this half term,

now that I have to go on two separate skiing holidays.

Oh, I just stopped feeling bad for her.

The Caucassie. Er...

Who wants to play Jinx's mum and dad in a role play?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

Of course not. That was an inappropriate question.

I'll play them both.

Oi, Fraser, have you got any passata?

Mitchell, I'm printing the Internet in colour,

and it's coming out of every printer in the school.

Hoburn cannot find out.

Help me get the rest of eBay in the oven

and then I'm going to tackle the Kanye.

You take his tweets, I'll grapple with the discourse.

Look, I think I know why Bernie's in such a filthy mood.

I overheard her complaining about having IB.

Have you ever heard of it?

IB? AKA irritable bowel.

No laughing matter. Well, can it spread?

Cos I think she might just be full blown irritable.

I wish I could help you out,

but I've just turned the NHS website into a smoothie.

Jinx, this is your chance to say what you need to your parents.

Your deepest, darkest fears.

Let it all out, girl.

OK. Mum, Dad, are you splitting up because of me?

No, Jemima, sweetie, of course not.

Er...

I guess I needed to hear that.

IMITATES MUM: We're getting a divorce because somebody spent

all of our money on fast cars, fine wine,

and probably something to do with crypto.

IMITATES DAD: Our money? That's a stretch.

That's why Jinx is stuck in that inner city school

with the dregs of Greggs.

But Jinx has one fantastic teacher - Mr Carmichael.

What? That drop dead ten you undress with your eyes

at every parents evening?

Plot twist!

I'm sorry, Jemima,

but Mr Carmichael has made me feel things that take me right back

to boarding school.

Sir, I really appreciate everything you're trying to do here,

but I'm starting to feel slightly overwhelmed and quite confused.

As long as you're feeling, babes.

And that's what we'll show the entire school tomorrow.

We're going to do an assembly...about divorce.

And scene.

# Don't sweat the technique... #

Right, today we are going to be integrating some geography with PE.

Two lessons for the price of one. Bargain.

Yes, it sounds good, but I'm not here.

You know nothing about geography, sir.

You told me that Carluccio's was the capital of Italy.

KIDS GIGGLE

Shut it.

We are going to learn about tectonic plates and volcanoes

by playing The Floor Is Lava.

BOTH: Period.

See? We're in sync.

Yeah, nice try.

But even I know periods only come when it's a full moon.

What's that?

Gout.

Well, if you fall in some fruit and veg, it might do you some good.

OK. Let me get my mouth guard.

And my helmet, and my girdle, and ankle support,

and kneepads, and protective goggles.

Mr Harper, Mr Carmichael's class was very triggering.

I need to talk to someone about my feelings.

Have you tried Siri?

Mr Carmichael wants to do a whole school assembly

about my parents' divorce.

He's hijacking my trauma to show off the drama department.

Well, I am going to show you why drama can suck PE's balls.

Oh, sorry.

Physical Education's balls.

ALL: Ohhh...

THEY CHEER

Did I mention that I'm allergic to garlic?

What are you, a vampire? Jump.

CHANTING: Warren! Warren! Warren! Warren! Warren!

Warren! Warren! Warren! Warren! Warren! Warren!

Go on, little man.

You got this!

HE YELLS

# That glides

# Across the sky... #

He don't go this. I'll get the first aid kit.

That was a perfectly good shelf.

Warren, are you OK?

This is full of beer.

Who done that?

HE SNICKERS

I'm going to die.

Ooh!

Content for the Gram, Bernie?

"Gram"?

I'm putting the coffee machine on eBay.

Every penny counts.

Oh... Fab!

Um...

Psst...

I'm not one to tell tales out of school, but since we're in school,

um... Naming no names,

one of your members of staff is planning a very expensive

vanity project and again, naming no names...

It's a new PE kit.

Harper! Mm-hm.

I found these in his locker.

That's the spring-summer collection.

This is the autumn-winter.

That gilet alone costs the same as a laptop.

What in the LGBTQIA+ is that?!

It is a preposterous attempt to make it look like

you would have the taste,

wit and manual dexterity

to make a mood board.

Mr Carmichael, if you spent more time teaching

and less time trying to throw your rival under the bus,

then perhaps your subject would not be on the chopping block.

Two can play that game.

Ha!

Ooh! Close, close, close...

Right, now Dickers.

Harrison!

You all right, mate? Yeah, you all right?

Yeah. I'm buzzing for this assembly. What's it about?

It was going to be about Jinx's parents divorcing,

but then Sir got an angry text from her dad, so now Sir needs another

big issue, otherwise he's going to be selling it.

That's a touch, because I just heard that Hoburn's got irritable bowels.

Oh. And she is dead keen to raise awareness.

But why would she want us to be aware of her bowels?

Kids are cruel, sir.

That's why she needs a powerful assembly to show everyone

this is no laughing matter.

Ohhh... Harrison, it's a chance...

To use drama to break down the stigma surrounding

irritable bowels, a condition that's very close to her heart.

Well, stomach. Let me stop you there.

It's genius. # We just wanna have fun... #

The book fair tomorrow morning has been moved to the history block

because the industrial cleaners...

Fraser? You all right? I haven't slept...

..have still not slept. I thought the end was in sight

and then I hit Wikipedia at 5am this morning.

Finally, we have what we were promised would be

a brief PSHE presentation,

though if it's anything like his assembly on pronouns,

strap in.

Class K, and Mr Carmichael.

Let's go! Positions.

LIGHT LAUGHTER

In a world of darkness,

knowledge is light!

FUNKY POP MUSIC PLAYS

THEY WHOOP

STEPHEN LAUGHS

As a disco ball,

I see it all.

Here I am at a house party.

Giving, twirling, shining!

Who's this unconventionally attractive teenage gworl?

Zancing with the village hunk?

Tommy?

WOLF WHISTLE

Wait!

What's that frown?

GROANING, STOMACH RUMBLES

What's holding her back?

MUSIC ENDS OUT OF TUNE

My name's Jeanette Bowman, and I want my first kiss for Tommy

tonight to be fireworks.

SAD VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

But I'm scared...those fireworks might come out the wrong end

because I suffer...

..from... DRAMATICALLY: ..I-B-S.

Irritable

bowel

syndrome!

Oh, no! Zon't panic.

Have you done any of the following to trigger your symptoms?

Have you eaten chillies, bruv? "Chilli"?

I'm a lemon and herb girl!

Are you on drugs, man?

"Drugs"? Heck, no.

They're for mugs.

Maybe you're stressed.

Oh, yes! Stre-e-ess!

I'm stressed about my exams because I dream of having a management job

in some kind of public institution.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one who suffers from IBS.

Tch! Ow, man!

WHISPERING: IBS. IBS. IBS!

WHISPERED: Lauren!

But you're not alone, Jeanette. Oh!

Whoa!

SNICKERING

One in 20 people suffer with IBS.

It can affect anyone, whether you're old or young,

black, white, a man or a woman of a certain age

doing a high pressure job in education.

LAUGHTER

Thanks for calling out the BS in IBS.

I can do anything now. Whoo!

Be an astronaut, an Olympic swimmer,

or even a head mistress. Whoo-o-o-o!

STEPHEN LAUGHS

That's the spirit, Jeannette Bon-Bon.

Now, the only thing you'll be feeling in your tummy are...

..butterflies.

What the actual...

We wanted you to feel seen.

How is she meant to maintain authority when you've just told

the entire school she's bowel divergent?

Harrison said that you wanted to raise awareness

about your condition. It's not my condition.

I have a perfectly functioning digestive tract.

Well, Mr Harper said that you wanted to raise awareness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you, Harrison. Mm!

Miss Hoburn, I was just trying to take the initiative.

I heard you pouring your heart to the human calculator...

WHISPERED: ..about your IB.

WHISPERED: IB is the International Baccalaureate.

It's an exam.

HE SNIGGERS

Obviously. Duh!

Look, to be fair, I was just as shocked that that assembly

weren't about your international balaclava.

Look, by Friday,

one of your departments will cease to exist.

Forget disco balls.

I'm bringing a wrecking ball to this little party.

# Me again, allow me to pick up where I left off... #

Move, get out the way!

Move!

METAL CLATTERS

Inchez, this is well muggy.

You told me it was Fish And Chip Friday on a Tuesday.

MUFFLED: Move, bitch!

DOOR OPENS

What the...?!

HE YELPS

Ugh...

Warren! You said Nicole Scherzinger was street-casting

for the new Pussycat Dolls. You made me run in my vintage zebra belt.

MITCHELL SNICKERS

And what is she doing here?

Chip and Stormzy. Mm-hm.

Biggie versus Pac. Yeah!

Vardy and Colleen! Yeah!

Eh-heh!

All beefs lead to bloodshed.

This has to stop!

I have nothing to say to this unseasoned dustbin fire

of a human. Oh...

SHE SLAMS TABLE

Stop it!

My whole life is shit.

I can't rely on anyone at home,

I had to move schools,

they sold my horse.

I was so lonely.

And then I came here...

..and found you guys.

My...

My tribe.

But like so many tribes before us,

we are being decimated

by the forces of capitalism.

And I'm sorry for my white tears.

Don't apologise for crying, Gee!

You're both great teachers.

You actually equip us for real life.

Sir, you taught me about the Renaissance...

..and Beyonce's other albums.

Mr Harper,

You taught me how to shotgun a beer.

Guys, I'm sorry for being extra.

I didn't mean to upset you.

Just Mitchell. Yeah.

No hard feelings, eh?

Well, I guess we've just got to knuckle down and hope that

Hoburn has a change of heart. Are you man dumb or dumb?

There's only one way you both get to keep your jobs.

You need to work together to destroy some other teachers.

Ooh!

J'adore! Bitches unite. Mm-HM!

But who should we throw to the wolves?

Wait...

You guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Miss, the art teacher forced us to do this.

When I tell my dad, miss, he'll be pissed.

This is haram!

MUSIC: Sabotage by Beastie Boys

Shall I go tell him he's fired?

Bellissimo!

Is that Italian for "nonce"?

I can't believe anyone could coax this kind of flair

from the mouth-breathers at Abbey Grove!

Our art department are working miracles.

THEY SIGH

Miss... The music teacher is a t'ief.

My man is stealing my bars that I spit in his lesson.

And he's making money selling them to big artists.

Mr Redley, who brings in the most potent egg mayo sandwiches

to save money, is making a fortune off you?

Tell her Mr Redley has a very comfortable lifestyle

for a music teacher.

I saw Mr Redley in a German whip

with big rims and some bad Bs

with the fattest bunda riding dirty in the town centre.

Are you having a stroke? Nah! Look...

You heard of Ed Sheeran?

Looks like a character you'd see on the tap of a real ale? Yeah!

His song Galway Girl?

That's my riddim!

I wrote the song Holway Girl before that ginger prick

bought my lyrics off Sir.

Tell her you'll sue!

I'm Sue.

THEY SIGH

No, I'll sue YOU!

Man's going to make it rain, fam.

Really? Call her bluff!

Miss...

You is buff.

Well, let me speak, then! Shut up, you never let me finish!

STEPHEN SCREAMS, HE WINCES

It's so rude to have headphones in when you're talking to someone.

What are you listening to? Nothing!

HE SIGHS

Let me listen.

STEPHEN SQUEAKS

# Got a little rhythm, a rhythm, a rhythm

# That did a pass through my brain...

# So darn persistent the day isn't distant

# But it'll drive me insane... #

I'm impressed. Shh!

Mr Redley is interesting students to musical theatre.

THEY GIGGLE

Even though this singer is in completely the wrong key.

Bitch!

Bitch! I beg your pardon?!

STEPHEN GASPS

Pitch.

Yeah. It's in the wrong pitch.

Ah...

Mm!

SOFTLY: I wasn't!

This has been a surprisingly difficult decision,

given that you both chose to stage a masterclass

in incompetence this week.

But as only one staff member needs to go... Ah-ah-ah.

Wait, if you fire one of us...

SIMULTANEOUSLY: Both of us... We protest. Huh?

I thought I needed a nuclear option. That's not what we agreed.

The point is, Bernie, if you fire one of us, both of us quit.

STEPHEN SIGHS

She sacks both of us.

THEY SIGH

But you guys will be all right without us. Just...

Just remember the Class K motto, yeah?

Chat shit, get banged. Not that one.

No bad vibes. Yeah.

Come on, y'all.

Group hug. Get in here.

HE SOBS

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

I'm a goner too.

Fraser?

The school intranet has become sentient.

It doesn't matter how many printers I disable,

it's going to get the job done one way or another.

I've just intercepted the tail end of WebMD,

which means we're onto websites, starting with the letter X.

Ooh, that ain't going to be pretty.

Whoever plugs their printer in next

is going to unleash a tsunami of poonani.

THEY GROAN, RETCH

Oi, sir! That's your chance, man.

# One time, circling the block

# Lil buddy got murdered on a flock

# Two times, you know how we rock

# You know who we knocked on You know who we socked... #

Miss, Miss, come quick, something awful's happened in the Maths room.

# Christian Dior, I'm crippin' Bjork

# Made an uh-oh letting Vince in the door... #

DISTANT CHEERING

We're meant to be going paperless!

Jesus, Mary...

Joseph! Is that a donkey?!

Only...I promise... I did not print any of this.

I-I-I was just trying to teach them equations.

He ain't lying, Miss. This page shows how three goes into one!

HE SNICKERS

This is a criminal offence, you degenerate!

Pack up your classroom.

MUSIC: Buga (Lo Lo Lo) By Kizz Daniel & Tekno

SHE GASPS

You guys!

THEY CHEER AND APPLAUD

Better!

Now, because we got the maths teacher fired,

I have to temporarily teach you maths, so...!

The basics.

Counting. After me!

A five, six, seven, eight.

THEME SONG PLAYS

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